Friday, November 13, 2009

11/13/09

well look who it is yup its me i know wow its been what over a week since i updated i apoligze ive just well been eating way to much and i felt ashamed and didnt even wanna write it down. i feel like im losing ana and i dont want that she cant leave me know shes been with me to long to just up and walk out like really y would she do that. but i had a majr mental breakdown today which resulted in me taking way to many pills how many i coudln't tell ya didnt count lol but i took biotin, b12 and green tea w/hoodia i jsut wanted to get high and pass out and escape my world for a while but as u can c since im typing now that that didnt happen my head isnt even cloudy ijust wish i could b happy i wish i could trust myself and other ppl but i cant i cant trust ne1 myself included. everything is just like spiraling out of contorl and i hate iti want control i need control. well i guess im stil having a break down ha o well after this lets hope i get soem fuckng control back and get skinny and perfect. ive gained weight im now up t0 103 which is just unacceptable in my world i need to get back down.

well i purged last nite ive been trying not to purge but i gave in and it felt so good to get it out i love the release u get from it its almost as good as cutting. speaking of cutting did that last week and the cuts are still all red they need to heal by next weekend i gotta lifeguard which means a bathing suit which means my arms will b out and they need to b healed for i dont scare the kids or parents or my boss if they are healed no1 will say nething

and to top it all off i gotmy mom yelling at me telling me to get some fucking control and to stop eating so much cause im fat thanx mom

well i think im done ranting now

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