ok can some1 please just lock me up in an ed wing in a hosptial or in a residentail place cause im fucking losing my mind and and im gong fucking crazy idk what i want i dk what to do but im fucking going crazy.
what bought this on is the purging ive been waht thrwoing up 3 times a week or more for over 2 weeks now yeah sometimes its not intentional sometimes it is sometimes the food just gets stick and im choking and gotta get it out but i feel lie im drowning like im sinking and idk what to do.
i purged 2day 2 seperate times but mutliple times for each time at least 3 toilet flushes each and i mean the toilet was full when i flused it so yeah tahs alot of vomit if u ask me. and yes i did it on purpose these times. the first itme was this morning i made myself my breakfast hot choc(65) and soup(22.5) and iw as fine and then soemthimg snapped and i ate my 5 airheads(300) that i had left i was freaking out but then iheard my mom leave so i went downstairs had like 4 or so spoons of ice cream grabbed a water bottle and went to the bathroom and purged til i was dizzy and i mean i was dizzy i thought i was gonna pass out so i grabbed some powerade and an apple and had that and yes i ketp that down. i then proceeded to cut open my cut that idid yesterday yes ihave ahabit of cutting open cuts til they get as deep asi want them i think this one i need stitches but i wont go and get that.
my mom comes in at one point and ask waht iwas doing today im like going tot he gym shes like its not to bad out and u can saveurself some gas y dont u just go for a walk and she gave me $4. shes like i know u get drinks on ur walk so take the money. she keeps giving me money since i dont have ne. i thanked her so much and theni went and got a fuck hot shower god i love hot showers. so yeah did that thew on some jeans high socks my running shoes a sprots bra long sleve baggy shirt and a sweat shirt. its jersy the high is only in the 50's now so yeah gotta layer. i bangaged up my cut made some sterile strips and then put a bandaide over that. i put my pedometer watch on grab my phone ipod and money and off i go.
now when i walk i have this certain way that i always go i know its crazy well not its not crazy its just a behaivor a habit and ocd thing that keeps me sane gotta go this certain way when i walk. i live in downtoan in my town so everything in volves hills and this one hill is just so steep and im always out of breathe when i walk it but i make it up neway. now im a lil out of it from the purging this morning soi keep zongin out more then normal on my walks and trip more then normal but hey that is me. so i walk up the hill and take the exact roods that i know i have to take to get to dunkin donuts. i order my large unsweetened iced tea(10) love it so good and it take me forever to drink it so it last all day :) and then i save the cup and just drink water out of it forwhile id rather dirnk my water of a a straw its werid idk where iget ir from but hey im werid. now walking in 50 degree weather with a cold drink wasnt my smartest idea and add in the wind yea i was cold. i ended up just like holding it i my arms agaistn my chest casue my hands were to cold to hold it. so i get my drink and walk back a a diffrent way to the park do noe lap around like always then walk down a different hill and make my way back home. all together that was 4.260 miles or 9,637 steps which burned 291 cals :)
i get home get changed out of my clothes in comfier ones. i got on garnet sweat pants from my cheering days in high school, a pink long sleeve shirt, my twilight tee over top it and my twilight zip up hoodie over top of that. so comfy i love it. i gather up allmy laundry to carry ti downstairst to wash it. my mom bought my bro a new hamper for school so i got hes old one so i got that suttle hint that i gotta do my own lunadry form now on. c i always did my own jeans but mom did everything else well yeah not nemore. so ig et downstaris and put everything in the washer use the laundry detergent that doesnt make me break out and grab a snack.
i had my ever popular pretzels with my chicago fire mustart love those an di dont freak out when i eat that.
but my moms choc candy is tuanting me so i end up having a few pieces and i freak out but it turns out my bor is getting ready to leave and when no one is home i purge thats how i alsy have beeni will eat osmethinmg just knowing that ima pruge so he leaves i grab abowl of ice creama nd abottle of water. i shovel the ice cream in and feel sick as im doing it since im not suppose to b eating ice cream and drink 3/4 of hte water then iff the the bathroom again god i hate pruging ice cold water mixed with ice cold ice cream it comes up cold its not pleasant. it take me a lil longer to get it up then nomral but thats cause i already purged this morning and ive been pruging recently so yeah my throat is raw but i get it up alot up idt i even ate to much but i swear my stomach just like magically makes food appear in it so yeah i pruge 3 toilet flusehs again i clea up wash my face rinse out mouth then freak out and i start running steps
now u can c im clearing losing my mind who pruges then goes run steps when her heart is already not great from years of this ed on yeah me tahts who so i run steps for awhile idk how long but i do it til my legs jstu cant nemore an dmy heart is just beating out of my chest so hard that it hurts so i just lay on the floor for a lil.
i calm myself down and come into my room to lay down and just read for alil and thats what ive been doing reading this fuck awesome fic.
im lsing my mind though iknow that i cant pruge nemor ei dont want topurge nemore i want this to b the last day my fingers ever go down my throat ever and i know that i need help but i cant get help im one of those ppl who wants help but wont seek it out herself. and i will never ever walk into a hospital or my own accord and say admit me i have an ed i want help. u waould have to b wheeled in on a stretcher cause i was so sick that i just collapsed and my body cant so it nemore id have to b fuck skinny like so skinny it scares ppl.
so thats the plan im try and not pruge nemore cause i really cant do it and my head is just driving me nuts to many voices not enough room. but ima lose weight and ima get skinny really skinny im get really sick were ppl cant turn me away nemore an di can get help cause i cant live like this forever but icant give it up yet.
i was looking for atherapist like 3 months ago im sure that u guys remmber that well one emialed me yesterday finally she said that my turn is up i was on waiting list that she had u know a sliding scale spot open to call her.
so i email her back saying "thank you for keep me in mind but i lose my job in september and i now longer have the resources to afford therapy at this time and in all truth i talked myself out of it. but when i do have the resources and when im ready for therapy again i will contact you"
she hasnt written me back yet
if some1 was wiling to help me 3 months ago when iwas ready for help thatim sure this psot would b competley diferent but some therapist just ignored one said that i had to many issues that id ahve to admit msyelf into hospilta first untils he wouldhelp me and this one didnt have ne openings for 3 months
so yeah thanks for ur help not helping therapist but ima go sprial downward and hit rock bottom i'll c u later when im on deaths door ugh.
the plan for the rest of the day is to relax, read, watch food network, exercse and try to keep my dinner down.
imthinking about make some rice and veggies an djstu mix them up in a bolw and just have that ima try my hardest to keep it downa nd i jsut prob drink something jsut i purged up everything that has been in my system today
last nite on date nite it was good. he came over early to wathc the flyers yes go flyers im a hockey fan and yes u guys can yell at me for not rooting for the jersey teams but yeah no flyers all the way.
i acutaly got a kiss right away when he came over and he said he missed me so thats agood thing. we just watched the game and just hung out with each other i was being good not making him mad in ne way i was keep my depression in check.
after the game he wanted to eat but didnt wanna go far sicne it was already late so we decided on friendly. now i love that friendlys has gotten more salads on their menu but in all honeslty they took taste food or look good at all so i got a grilled chicken deluxe sandwhcih meal it came with fries. the sandhwich was grilled chicken lettuce tomatos and red pepper sauce on a roll with a side of fries. he got hse pick 3 thing and i stop hes honey mustard im wwerid i have to dip my friesn in something nething but i have to dip themw ell not everything i hate ketchup. the meal was 1000 cals and i ate almot all of it for he wouldnt get made atme it hurt so bad.
so another weird thing i cant eat a sandwhcih together i never have been able to ihave to take it apart and eat it in parts and he hates that he does that so he was tyring to make me eat it hole like as an acutall sandwhcih i took 3 bites befor i coudlnt do it nemore.s i took off the top roll set it aside pull off my chiken and thats how i eat it. i will cut up a piece of chicken have that and then i will pull off a piece of my top roll dip it in the honey mustard thena nother bit of chicken then apiece of the bottom roll that ahs the lettuce tomato and sauce on it and keep repeating yes im werid u can say it so i ate most of my fries, my hole top roll and allbut a few bites ofmy chicken and bottom roll.
my stomahc hurts so bad form that but i keep the food when we get home im laying with him curled up in hes side under a blanket shaking fromt he food he told me thati did good thoguh that i ate good that he was happy imlike it was tomuch food hes like not it wasnt it was normal ijust snort at that but hey hes happy so thats a good thing.
we endup falling alseep early though but me being me cant sleep thru the nite wakes up a few times etiheri m freezing or im covered in sweat or a need a drink im a mess bu they that was date nite
anorexic medic-thanx hun im trying to b careful
campaignforslim- thanx hunny andi know ne kind of cnady is evil isnt it
dolcecaramel-thand hunny and i hate the 102 number its way to high
mich-yeah me and her have werid relationsip and shen she tries to act likea mom im wtf thats not fuckng right but it looks like u and ur mom have the kind of relationsip me an dmy mom have thanx hun stay strong
lucy- thanx hun and im damn im sorry about that but im am following now an di will look forward to reading ur new blog and everything