4/27/10

sop i didnt sleep at all last ntie i was having the worst stomach pains ever it was the front of my stomach and the right side it was bad and it has to b bad for me to say its bad cause i have the highest pain tolerance ever trust me. im the girl who walked on a borken ankle for months til it healed so yeah last nite was bad as fuck. at about 4 am i was srsly thinking about going to the er but that thought came and went cause i coudlnt drive myself the pain was so bad and ididnt wanna wake ne 1 up so yeah i didnt go

breakfast
*hot promgrante green tea


lunch
* 2 serving chicken noodle soup
* home made choc chip cookies(just a few my mom was bugging me all day to eat them)
* lil ice cream


dinner
* small chicken pot pie soup
* saltines


drank a liter of water today well a lil more acutally casue i have a liter water bottle and i drank thats plus one and half of the normal size bottles


i also haveing a coke zero sitting next to me thats ima drink after im done eating my dinner


gonna try and do crunches tonite if my stomach will let me i didnt get to the gym this monring cause i was so sick ugh i need a work out

4/24/10

ok so gorup is now down to once a month thats what me and the boy have agreed on he doesnt really want me going at all but we agreed on once a week

so i wake up this moringj ust planning on having a banana and granola bar then go tot he gym yeah well my heart was just a mess this morning like it was freaking out so bad so i had the banana and granola bar and also a lil brownie and 3 small cookies ugh i hate myself right now even though it was the right thing to do for my heart


i still went to the gym did elly for 45 mins on a hill workout level 5 and burnt 330 cals i know it prob didnt burn all of my breakfast i dk howmany cals the cooloes or the brownie was but i hope i at least burnt a good part of what i ate

my cousins wedding is today and im still fat as hell ugh 109 lbs taht is just gross and fat and disgusting and ive never been much of a dancer so its not like i will burn cals doing that but my meal is the vegetarian option so it shouldnt b to many cals i hope not at least

i'll let u guys know how it goes tomm though

my legs are killing me an dmim so tired im drinking a skinny water the orange kind its acutally really good and not cals so even better

4/21/10

ok so ima keep going to group not every week but prob every other

i just feel like i have to prove myself though that since all these girls have been in treatment i feel like i have to get smaller and msaller and sicker and sicker

but the girls were nice an di got to meet my friend love u friend u really have been the best

and hopefully eventually i want get lost going there or back nemore lol im horrible with directions even with a gps

food:
* strawberry and cream oatmeal
* yogurt
* grean beans
* veggie burger no roll
* animal crakcers
* ice cream(ugh shouldnt of had that)

exercise
* 65 min on elly- 483
* over 10,000 steps taken- 262

4/20/10

so i went to the support group and idk if i reallly belong there i feel like so out of place its crazy like they are all talking about their recovery and the treatment they went through and how everything is holding up for them and i have none of that ive never been in treatment ive never had ne of that and i have no deisre to recover what so ever


like i meet some really nice girls there and i would love to go again just to c them but idk ifi should i dont know if i belong im so confused right now

like it was nice meeting ppl who have been thru the simialr stuff that i have been thru but i still dont feel like i belong there at all i feel like im not sick enough to go there to sit there with those ppl

idk what to do

4/19/10

so tomm is the support group i was all telling u about im nervous but excited at the same time im scared shitless that no1 is gonna like me and that im gonna b the fatest one there but im also happy aobut meeting ppl lik eme that understand everything that i dont have to explain nething too

i ended up cutting last nite i tried to figth off the urge but ti didnt work to well so i have 3 lines on my inner arm one is deep and idk how ima hide them at the wedding i have to go to on sat mayb i can get away with a long sleeve shrit under my dress or a long sleeve shirt and a skirt

today was going well food wise until my sugar started dropping at work and i was sahking for hours so when i got home i ended up eating some ice cream and a granola bar i know i need like a candy bar bu ti cant eat a candy bar theres no fucking way im eating a candy bar

ive been going tot he gym alot lately i went sat sun and also today i cant go tomm working all day then got the group but ima go again wed and prob thrusday

i want all this weight off and i want it off now i hate being this fat self of a person i wanna b fragile and delicate and breakable

4/17/10

so im just a jumble fucke dup mess at the moment the talk last nite with the boy didnt go well i tol dhim about the support group thinking that he will b happy thati m going and yeah n o he wasnt he didnt understand y i had to go when im fine casue im eating im like im not fine and i dont eat enough hes like but ur eating so u cant b sick im like anorexics eat hesl ike i know u have an eating disorder but still y do u need to go to a group ur fine hesl ike ur not fat like u think u are ur skinny and i know ur worried about ur stomach just go tot he gym more u dont go enough neway so go more and eat healthy dont eat ne junk unless ur with me casue thats fine then but just wrok out more it will make ur head feel better im like i ma fat do u not see it im 110 i tried to get btter for u i did it foru and i dont like it i hate the way i look hes like u can go 2 105 103 at the lowest but u arent allowed to go lower then that and then he said if u wanna go to the group then go but thaose girls are gonna drag u down they have problems im like i have a problem and heslike well they will b worse but if its gonna make u better then go but i didnt know u were slipping again u are eating so ur fine im like i the group is all i can do right now i cant afford treatment hes like treatment u dont need treatment ur fine ur not that sick


o god that comment pissed me off ima show him sick o am i ever gonna show him i try to explain it to him but he doesnt listen he never fucking listens like i just want him to try and understand but he wont casue he thiks he knows it all and he thinks that i can contorl it when really i can its fucking impossible to contorl it so ima get sick so sick ima show him

4/13/10

so i havvent had a chance to write my rules yet work was so damn busy but ima try and do them later tonite or at least tomm

food:
*3/4 cup dry bran flakes
*blackberry yogurt
*small apple w/cinnamon
*handful of jeally beans
*homemade pizza(toritilla, sauce, vegan cheese, peppers, vegan pepproni)
*honey wheat pretzels(havent had yet but prob will so writng it down just in case)

i took over 12,000 steps today so that burnt 326 cals so yay yay