u know when something happens and it just hits u like a ton of bricks its like bam holy fuck i really am sicker then i thought i was or i cant keep doing this cause i really am going to die. its like realization time and it always hits at the weirdest time well it does for me at least.
it hit me when i was leaned over the toilet puking up blood no food barely ne water just blood and i dont mean like just spit and hi there is a lil blood there i mean fingers covered toilet covered in blood it was not fun and it was acutally really scary. im scaring myself now im scaring the boy even more.
we went to tgi fridays last nite i love their dragnonfire chicken its so yummy and good and the hole plate is like 400 and some calories an di never eatmore then half my food but yeah thats not the point.
my mom got me those lactaid pills yesterday to help with my hole dairy issue. i took them for the first time with the mcflurry that my sis made me eat. i got the worst and i mean wrost stmach pains ever and my chest was killing me even more.
then i took them for a secodn time with dinner cause the boy got potato skins for appy and i alwasy have to eat at least 1 of hes appy i felt really sick after that as well. then my food came an di was eating it and ijust kept feeling sicker an dsicker and sicker.
he noticed i wasnt looking good and he asked if i was ok im like yeah im just gonna puke hes like u sure im like yeah but i wanna wait til we get home. hes like will u make it home the bathroom is right there if u wont. im like yeah i dont wanna throw up here its to public i wanna wait til we get home. so we go home and he wants to stop at hes house real quick but he says that i cfan just drop him off go home do what i have to and thens ome get him again so that is what happens.
i walk up stairs drink some water and go to the bathroom and yes blood just blood he says i was gone for like 20 minutes so i guess i was throwing up blood for a lil while then. im so sore everything just hurts i cant breathe to deep cause it hurts my ribs, i cant cough or laugh casue it feels like my sternum is just gonna crack open, i cant lay in one postion for 2 long cause all my bones just hurt so bad.
he just held me last nite while im shaking like a leaf and trying to not throw up more he kept saying that everything was gonna b ok that i was gonna b ok that i wasnt gonna take those pills nemore and i was gonna eat ne diary nemore when we go out u can get a dessert with out ne dairy u can just eat ur salads and fruits and it will b ok.
i think im really starting to scare him with this cause throwing up blood isnt normal at all an didk y it happened or what caused it to happen. he had to practically like carry me out of the restraruant he just put hes arm around me and helpd me up for i barely had to walk.
no gym today even though i want to but i hurt so bad just sitting here is hard so i cant imagine working out at all.
i am gonna shower evenutally an di need to go get gas my gas light is about to turn on. then even though i have no money ima take my credit card and go to target. i need more tea, flavored water. i also need to find some drinks with electrolytes in them since i threw up 2 days in a row an di still feel like im gonan now my electrolytes are prob all fucked up so i need to get like gatorade or powerade soemthing like that. and since i cant eat my granola bars nemore since they have dairy in them gonna try and find some soy bars. and then i will look at the books and the moives see if i find soemthing that catches my eye and isnt expensive at all.
tomm im going over my aunts house to help her take care of 3 o fmy lil cousins the littlest ones. my cousin wants to take P to dorney for the halloween thing at the kids section so my aunt offered to watch the other 2 my cousin was like u sureu want both at one day and my aunts like yeah i will b fine danis coming over too to help so i will get to c the 2 kids tomm and they will help me fele way better i love them so much.
so ima relax for alil evenutally shower and start my day i might update later u knowme i always have more to say
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
10/15/10
outfit
weight-102 lbs bmi-17 ew gross that was got to change and change quickly if u ask me
i feel so fat and gross adn bloated right now my sis came home for the wkd from college and everytime she comes home she makes me eat something and today it was mcdonlads m&m mcflurry i nearly puked just eating it me and dairy dont mix me and grease dont mix so yeah im not feeling to great right now and it took me 4ever to pick out an outfit cause everything i put on just made me look fat but im running out of time so i decided on that.
so yeah lik ei said my sis is home an divemissed her so much im glad she is home but damn can that girl its shes been home for aboit 3hours now and she has already eaten a plate of baked ziti, 2 hamburgers(mcdonalds), small fry(mcdonalds) and oreo mcflurry(mcdonalds).
i didnt want to eatmuch today ididnt wanna eat nething at all io never wanna eat the day after i purge an di was doing good and yup then sis comes home and that all goes out the window.
today had
*2 cups sodium free chicken broth-20
*peppermint tea
*half liter of water
*apple-65
*strawberry banana non dairy smoothie
*m&m mcflurry(ugh damn sister)
im not hungry at all an di really dotn wanna eat out tonite but i have no choice i will just have to make the best of it
my throat is sore my hole body hurts my one knuckle is still nice and red and my chest is killing me everytime i breathe to hard to laugh or cough i get the worse pain in it ever
and the broken blood vessesl on my face are still broken i was hoping they would b faded by now
i gotta go though finish getting ready i will read all ur blogs tomm and i will tell u about date nite as well
love ua ll
weight-102 lbs bmi-17 ew gross that was got to change and change quickly if u ask me
i feel so fat and gross adn bloated right now my sis came home for the wkd from college and everytime she comes home she makes me eat something and today it was mcdonlads m&m mcflurry i nearly puked just eating it me and dairy dont mix me and grease dont mix so yeah im not feeling to great right now and it took me 4ever to pick out an outfit cause everything i put on just made me look fat but im running out of time so i decided on that.
so yeah lik ei said my sis is home an divemissed her so much im glad she is home but damn can that girl its shes been home for aboit 3hours now and she has already eaten a plate of baked ziti, 2 hamburgers(mcdonalds), small fry(mcdonalds) and oreo mcflurry(mcdonalds).
i didnt want to eatmuch today ididnt wanna eat nething at all io never wanna eat the day after i purge an di was doing good and yup then sis comes home and that all goes out the window.
today had
*2 cups sodium free chicken broth-20
*peppermint tea
*half liter of water
*apple-65
*strawberry banana non dairy smoothie
*m&m mcflurry(ugh damn sister)
im not hungry at all an di really dotn wanna eat out tonite but i have no choice i will just have to make the best of it
my throat is sore my hole body hurts my one knuckle is still nice and red and my chest is killing me everytime i breathe to hard to laugh or cough i get the worse pain in it ever
and the broken blood vessesl on my face are still broken i was hoping they would b faded by now
i gotta go though finish getting ready i will read all ur blogs tomm and i will tell u about date nite as well
love ua ll
Thursday, October 14, 2010
10/14/10
so i just disappointed alot of u i just disapointed myself but if had to b done there was no ifs ands or buts about it they food had to come out and i had to make it come out so i did and its gone now and i feel like idk tired and weak my head is pounding and cloudy but i feel better that the food is out
id on tremember how long its been since i last purged which is a good thing since then that means its been awhile yeah well li just broke that. i know i said i wasnt gonna go down that road again but u girls know how it is sometimes that urge is this there and its to much i knew it was gonna happen i was just putting it off but i didnt put it off nemore i purged and i feel better about it.
i wanna do it again and again which is how i nomrally feel but i dont wanna hit rock bottom with bulimia it was never my go to my anorexia has alwasy been my thing and im not gonna get locked up for purging ima get myself locked up for my starving.
u girls can tell me im stupid u can yell at me all u want but really it wont makea difference i will prob purge again not tonite prob not even tomm but it will happen again it always does.
im just sitting here not able to concentrate. my ribs hurt more then they did yesterday. my throat burns and its on fire like bad. my heart is beating fast. im a lil dizzy but not to bad. eyes are blood shot. popped some blood vessesl thank god its not my hole face this time just around my eyes. knuckles are nice and red again just when they were starting to heal o well nuttin i can do about that. but after i did it the scale went down 2 lbs so yay for that but im sure ive gained after a week of binging im a fat ass.
i guess i should tell u how today went. o it started out with a panic attack so i knew from the beginning the day wasnt gonna b good i didn tknow it was gonna end in me purging i thought the razor would come out first but nope that didnt ocme out yet but it will and very shortly too i need a lil bit more of a release.
but i decided that imnot eating bread nemore im done with bread a) it makes u fat 2) it sucks to purge and c) way to many carbs and shit
so im done with bread completely done i dont wanna c it or taste it for a long long time.
went to the grocery store today in the mist of my panic attack i decided tha ti was gonna get ingredients and make my tomato salsa soup. now granted i dont have money but hey thats what credit cards are for.
i went tot he gym first even though my leg has been majorily killing me but i went neway. did 65 min on elly the cascades hill workout burnt 487 cals :) and the movie of the day was new moon score :)
went tot he store after that now that was torture i swear it was national shopping day and everyone was there which made me freak out even more i cant do crowds but i did have my ipod which kept me relativly calm.
so i got the ingredients i needed for my soup.
also got bananas, strawberries adn 3 mangos for i can make smoothies every morning.
of course since i fucke dup in the monring i decided that since i already messed up i will get a muffin got a banana nut one god it tasted good it really did and i didnt feel bad about it either which is werid idk i feel bad about it now cause it really didnt taste good coming up.
i lingered in the organic glutton free section for awhile trying to deicde on what crackers i wanted it srsly took me forever but i eventually did decide. at one point i just endedup pushing my basket with my foot cause it was heavy no granted it wasnt much in there but hey weakling here it was heavy for me.
i also get a premade salad while im there and today didnt change that its still inmy fridge though for tomm or mayb not tomm mayb saturday instead(once i purge i nomrally dont eat the next day or 2 days but i do have to eat dinner tomm damn date nite ugh)
and sincei keep seeing the damn commerical for those mouse jello things and i like to torture myself i gotn myself some the choc mint ones and yes i tired one yes they are good and yes it kills my stomach.
i spent a good 2 hours making my soup by the time i got it all prepared and chopped and measured and cooked and then cooled and put away it was about 2 hours.
and srsly i can live off of that stuff so now im set for a lil while the soup hurts like hell cause its very acidic but id rather take the pain for that then from dairy
i rly dont know what im ding right now im just sitting here got manvfood on so i guess in watching that mayb i will read or soemtihng idk i cant concentrate at all
so who watched that new show on e last nite "what eats you" i turend it off after 15 min i coudlnt take it nemore it was pissing me off. but if u guys watched it i woudl love ur opinons on it. is it just me that pissed off it just seemed so fact and scripted itj ust didnt seem real. but let meknow what u guys think
id on tremember how long its been since i last purged which is a good thing since then that means its been awhile yeah well li just broke that. i know i said i wasnt gonna go down that road again but u girls know how it is sometimes that urge is this there and its to much i knew it was gonna happen i was just putting it off but i didnt put it off nemore i purged and i feel better about it.
i wanna do it again and again which is how i nomrally feel but i dont wanna hit rock bottom with bulimia it was never my go to my anorexia has alwasy been my thing and im not gonna get locked up for purging ima get myself locked up for my starving.
u girls can tell me im stupid u can yell at me all u want but really it wont makea difference i will prob purge again not tonite prob not even tomm but it will happen again it always does.
im just sitting here not able to concentrate. my ribs hurt more then they did yesterday. my throat burns and its on fire like bad. my heart is beating fast. im a lil dizzy but not to bad. eyes are blood shot. popped some blood vessesl thank god its not my hole face this time just around my eyes. knuckles are nice and red again just when they were starting to heal o well nuttin i can do about that. but after i did it the scale went down 2 lbs so yay for that but im sure ive gained after a week of binging im a fat ass.
i guess i should tell u how today went. o it started out with a panic attack so i knew from the beginning the day wasnt gonna b good i didn tknow it was gonna end in me purging i thought the razor would come out first but nope that didnt ocme out yet but it will and very shortly too i need a lil bit more of a release.
but i decided that imnot eating bread nemore im done with bread a) it makes u fat 2) it sucks to purge and c) way to many carbs and shit
so im done with bread completely done i dont wanna c it or taste it for a long long time.
went to the grocery store today in the mist of my panic attack i decided tha ti was gonna get ingredients and make my tomato salsa soup. now granted i dont have money but hey thats what credit cards are for.
i went tot he gym first even though my leg has been majorily killing me but i went neway. did 65 min on elly the cascades hill workout burnt 487 cals :) and the movie of the day was new moon score :)
went tot he store after that now that was torture i swear it was national shopping day and everyone was there which made me freak out even more i cant do crowds but i did have my ipod which kept me relativly calm.
so i got the ingredients i needed for my soup.
also got bananas, strawberries adn 3 mangos for i can make smoothies every morning.
of course since i fucke dup in the monring i decided that since i already messed up i will get a muffin got a banana nut one god it tasted good it really did and i didnt feel bad about it either which is werid idk i feel bad about it now cause it really didnt taste good coming up.
i lingered in the organic glutton free section for awhile trying to deicde on what crackers i wanted it srsly took me forever but i eventually did decide. at one point i just endedup pushing my basket with my foot cause it was heavy no granted it wasnt much in there but hey weakling here it was heavy for me.
i also get a premade salad while im there and today didnt change that its still inmy fridge though for tomm or mayb not tomm mayb saturday instead(once i purge i nomrally dont eat the next day or 2 days but i do have to eat dinner tomm damn date nite ugh)
and sincei keep seeing the damn commerical for those mouse jello things and i like to torture myself i gotn myself some the choc mint ones and yes i tired one yes they are good and yes it kills my stomach.
i spent a good 2 hours making my soup by the time i got it all prepared and chopped and measured and cooked and then cooled and put away it was about 2 hours.
and srsly i can live off of that stuff so now im set for a lil while the soup hurts like hell cause its very acidic but id rather take the pain for that then from dairy
i rly dont know what im ding right now im just sitting here got manvfood on so i guess in watching that mayb i will read or soemtihng idk i cant concentrate at all
so who watched that new show on e last nite "what eats you" i turend it off after 15 min i coudlnt take it nemore it was pissing me off. but if u guys watched it i woudl love ur opinons on it. is it just me that pissed off it just seemed so fact and scripted itj ust didnt seem real. but let meknow what u guys think
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
10/13/10
so i ate even more after i posted my binge 3 more granola bars after iposted ugh i suck i know
i did manage to drink liter and half of water b4 bed but as i was laying there in be di was having a hard time breathing and i thought i was gonna puke and my heart kept skipping beats and shit and it got me really scared so i had some pretzels and a fruit bar i felt better after that
so after my binge yesterday im up a good 4 lbs yup u read that rigth 4 lbs i was 104 lbs this morning that is just gross and unaccetalbe if u ask me ugh how coul di let that happen im so gross and fat and huge now ugh
so inorder to fix that i was gonna liquid fast today with the option of soup if i needed it.yeah it didnt work out to well it started out good i made a dairy free smoothie this morning and then around noon it just all went to hell th eacid in my stomach was getting into my throat it was somuch acid an di have stomach issues so yeah u coudl imagine it wasnt fun and the only way to get it ot settle down is to eat bread i didnt have crackers or rice cakes. i gotta find something else to eat to settle down the acid cause i cant keep eating the amount of bread that i am eating cause its way way way to fucking much ugh wtf me an dmy sotmach body issues stomach heart just everything im so fucked up and i hate it
all u girls that can fast and b fine are so lucky im so enviousof u guys i use to b able to do that but i cant nemore i cant i fucked myself up to much to do that nemore and i hate it u have no idea.
so now i just gotta find soemthiing to deal with my stomach issues and bread just isnt it yeah it helps absorbs the acid but it hurts my stomach i cant eat heavy things nemore either so yeah lose lose situation here. i think ima try rice cakes next time though mayb those will help and they will b better less cals and less carbs hopefully.
idk if i feel asleep on my ipod or what last nite but my ribs on my left side r killing me so bad and then add in the whole body pain cause of the storm that is coming tomm yeah im sore and achey and in a bad mood.
my cousin bought her 3 kids down with her today for we can c them. well really munchin asked to ocme down cause she missed us so much. but i got to play with her (4yrsold) benny(10months) and i gott o c the newest additon nate(2 months).
they are al adorabvle and the loves of my life
i got to hold nate for a while i love justholding babies it makes me want one so bad eventually
me and munchin and benny did go outside for a lil. we played tag now running after a 4 yr old while holding a 10 month old isnt the easiest thiing in the world but we did it we also played on the slide and the beam and just planned played.
eventually i took benny inside and just palyed with munchin we spent at least 15 minutes straight climbing up our club house ladder and the going down the slide and repeat 15 mins straight u have no idea how bad my leg hurt after that.
the kids were here for about hour and 40 minutes and i spent that hole time playing with them idk how many cals i burned but i hope i bunred off at least so of the way to many cals i ate today.
no gym today causei wasnt sure when there were coming over so theonlywork out i got was playing with them i will do crunches later though.
the plan for tomm is to get to the gym b4 the storm starts idc how much pain i am in i am going to do at least an hour on elly.
got my plan for tomm food wise sorta figured out
b-banana pear non dairy smoothie
l-veggies
d-soup
no i will prob have to have nsakc inbetween depending on hoe my stomach is dealing witht he acid and all the shit but ima try and stay away from the bread tomm though i will try some animal crackers or something.
my mom is gonna try and find that lacataid stuff for my milk issues i need to find soemthing to deal with at least one of my issues b4 i go insane
so food wise bad bad day i ate
*banana grape smoothie-95
*6 slices bread/toast peppreidge farm light- 240
*pretzels-100
*soup campbells low sodium chiken noodle-160
*grapes-not sure how many i jsut munched
ima try my hardest not to eat nething else tonite i really am but hopefully if i do fuck up its not as big as yesterday fuck up
i did manage to drink a lil more today
*2 liters water
*hot choc-65
*oraange tea-0
*sodium free chicken broth-0
skinny-el and bellana-im a oth junkie its horrible ive been addcited to the show since the very beginning
ash-wasted is amzing isnt it i read alil bit each day and yes gotta use fuckmore hah love u and yeah i know it could of been alot worse an di know god as soon as i stopped purging b4 myacid refulx got even worse like if i knew that was gonna happen i would of never stopped but i did and now i cant go back to that
bellana(again)- yeah i didnt purge i wouldnt too but i have aproblem witht hat too so i resisited i didnt take laxies cause im taking these cleansing pills but of course then didnt work this morning ugh figures
beleive- i will have to look for those pills thanx
ana-yeah purging is extrmeemly hard on me i throw up blood everytime an di also pop numderous amounts of blood vessles on my face like my face will b one big purple blob its just ugh and my eyes are blood shot for like a day so yeah no more purging for me i didnt get to exercise today but i am going to go tomm
i did manage to drink liter and half of water b4 bed but as i was laying there in be di was having a hard time breathing and i thought i was gonna puke and my heart kept skipping beats and shit and it got me really scared so i had some pretzels and a fruit bar i felt better after that
so after my binge yesterday im up a good 4 lbs yup u read that rigth 4 lbs i was 104 lbs this morning that is just gross and unaccetalbe if u ask me ugh how coul di let that happen im so gross and fat and huge now ugh
so inorder to fix that i was gonna liquid fast today with the option of soup if i needed it.yeah it didnt work out to well it started out good i made a dairy free smoothie this morning and then around noon it just all went to hell th eacid in my stomach was getting into my throat it was somuch acid an di have stomach issues so yeah u coudl imagine it wasnt fun and the only way to get it ot settle down is to eat bread i didnt have crackers or rice cakes. i gotta find something else to eat to settle down the acid cause i cant keep eating the amount of bread that i am eating cause its way way way to fucking much ugh wtf me an dmy sotmach body issues stomach heart just everything im so fucked up and i hate it
all u girls that can fast and b fine are so lucky im so enviousof u guys i use to b able to do that but i cant nemore i cant i fucked myself up to much to do that nemore and i hate it u have no idea.
so now i just gotta find soemthiing to deal with my stomach issues and bread just isnt it yeah it helps absorbs the acid but it hurts my stomach i cant eat heavy things nemore either so yeah lose lose situation here. i think ima try rice cakes next time though mayb those will help and they will b better less cals and less carbs hopefully.
idk if i feel asleep on my ipod or what last nite but my ribs on my left side r killing me so bad and then add in the whole body pain cause of the storm that is coming tomm yeah im sore and achey and in a bad mood.
my cousin bought her 3 kids down with her today for we can c them. well really munchin asked to ocme down cause she missed us so much. but i got to play with her (4yrsold) benny(10months) and i gott o c the newest additon nate(2 months).
they are al adorabvle and the loves of my life
i got to hold nate for a while i love justholding babies it makes me want one so bad eventually
me and munchin and benny did go outside for a lil. we played tag now running after a 4 yr old while holding a 10 month old isnt the easiest thiing in the world but we did it we also played on the slide and the beam and just planned played.
eventually i took benny inside and just palyed with munchin we spent at least 15 minutes straight climbing up our club house ladder and the going down the slide and repeat 15 mins straight u have no idea how bad my leg hurt after that.
the kids were here for about hour and 40 minutes and i spent that hole time playing with them idk how many cals i burned but i hope i bunred off at least so of the way to many cals i ate today.
no gym today causei wasnt sure when there were coming over so theonlywork out i got was playing with them i will do crunches later though.
the plan for tomm is to get to the gym b4 the storm starts idc how much pain i am in i am going to do at least an hour on elly.
got my plan for tomm food wise sorta figured out
b-banana pear non dairy smoothie
l-veggies
d-soup
no i will prob have to have nsakc inbetween depending on hoe my stomach is dealing witht he acid and all the shit but ima try and stay away from the bread tomm though i will try some animal crackers or something.
my mom is gonna try and find that lacataid stuff for my milk issues i need to find soemthing to deal with at least one of my issues b4 i go insane
so food wise bad bad day i ate
*banana grape smoothie-95
*6 slices bread/toast peppreidge farm light- 240
*pretzels-100
*soup campbells low sodium chiken noodle-160
*grapes-not sure how many i jsut munched
ima try my hardest not to eat nething else tonite i really am but hopefully if i do fuck up its not as big as yesterday fuck up
i did manage to drink a lil more today
*2 liters water
*hot choc-65
*oraange tea-0
*sodium free chicken broth-0
skinny-el and bellana-im a oth junkie its horrible ive been addcited to the show since the very beginning
ash-wasted is amzing isnt it i read alil bit each day and yes gotta use fuckmore hah love u and yeah i know it could of been alot worse an di know god as soon as i stopped purging b4 myacid refulx got even worse like if i knew that was gonna happen i would of never stopped but i did and now i cant go back to that
bellana(again)- yeah i didnt purge i wouldnt too but i have aproblem witht hat too so i resisited i didnt take laxies cause im taking these cleansing pills but of course then didnt work this morning ugh figures
beleive- i will have to look for those pills thanx
ana-yeah purging is extrmeemly hard on me i throw up blood everytime an di also pop numderous amounts of blood vessles on my face like my face will b one big purple blob its just ugh and my eyes are blood shot for like a day so yeah no more purging for me i didnt get to exercise today but i am going to go tomm
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
fail
so yeah i just fucking binged failure on my part what the fuck i wanna hit rock bottom so hard that it hurts but then i go and fucking binge yeah that makes a fuck load of sense like fuck ugh
i wanna purge so bad u have no idea but like i saidi m sticking to the no puring rule ugh
yeah so after i posted i ate 6 slices of peppredige farm light fiber bread, 1 granola bar, and 2 non dairy 90 cal ice cream bars
followed by a handful of biotin yeah i have a habit of taking to many pills so yeah fuck me
i really hate myself my stomach hurts so bad its so bloated and stuck out and just ew like fuck
so yeah today is the last day i binge im done with binging im done with it alla nd if i binge again please feel the need to fucking yell at me and scream and call me useless cause thats what i am
so tomm banana and liter of water in the morning water thru out the day try and not snack much while im playing witht he kids and then soup for dinner
lots and lots of water tomm fuck me i need this food out curnches time and i got 2 liters of water in front of me that i have to drink b4 bed hopefully i can pee alot of the fat out
i wanna purge so bad u have no idea but like i saidi m sticking to the no puring rule ugh
yeah so after i posted i ate 6 slices of peppredige farm light fiber bread, 1 granola bar, and 2 non dairy 90 cal ice cream bars
followed by a handful of biotin yeah i have a habit of taking to many pills so yeah fuck me
i really hate myself my stomach hurts so bad its so bloated and stuck out and just ew like fuck
so yeah today is the last day i binge im done with binging im done with it alla nd if i binge again please feel the need to fucking yell at me and scream and call me useless cause thats what i am
so tomm banana and liter of water in the morning water thru out the day try and not snack much while im playing witht he kids and then soup for dinner
lots and lots of water tomm fuck me i need this food out curnches time and i got 2 liters of water in front of me that i have to drink b4 bed hopefully i can pee alot of the fat out
10/12/10
thank you ash, mich, ana, acka11, sarah, and skinny_el. u guys really are teh best and i appreciated all the comments. u guys dont have to worry about me though i will b ok. im not gonna take it to teh extreme or nething i know my limits now. im not gonna completely stop eating again, imnot gonna stop drinking again. im not gonna almost die again. ijust need to hit rock bottom and i knwo u guys understand that. but ima b smart about it well as smart as an overexercising anorexic can b. i will tell u one thing i will not go back to mia idc if im force feed again i will not purge i cant go back to that. and ima try my hardest to keep my cutting to a minimum ive been dong really well with that lately so we will try and keep that up.
my head is cloudy today and im tired and my heart was just bugging me a lil but it could b cause i was stupid and barely drank much but ima fix that like i said i gotta keep drinking i forget to drink so i gotta force it down most of the time.
i went to the library today i hate the library i know weird i love to read i love books but i hate the library its just way to quite in there for me idk but i had to go. i really wanted "wasted" and since my friend has my copy i had to borrow the libraries one. i was reading it online but i like to feel the book in my hand i know its werid but i like the way books feel call me crazy its ok.
i went tot he gym today cause it was raining this moring the rain explained y my body was in so much pain last nite. i have alot of old injuries that never healed right so when its gonna rain or snow or b cold or hot or just plain changes seasons i can feel it and last nite i just hurt so bad tot he point were i coudlnt lay still i had to keep moving and finding a werid positon to lay in. the werid postions look uncomfrtable but they help.
my mom told me today that my cousin is gonna bring the kids down tomm yay. i havent seen them since she had her 3rd lil one. and munchin said she missed us so they are all coming down tomm im so excited i cant wait to c them imiss them somuch its crazy.
i did air bike today fora bout hour and half i tired to find the cals burned online the closest think i came up with was stationary bike very light burns 204 cals for the hour and half so ima go with that id rather under estimate cals burned then over estimate them.
so my aunt made us dinner today i hate when other ppl cook me food cause idk the cals of nehting like that. but she made us broccoli, garlic noodles, and chicken in like sauce that im guess was red wine vinager. this is what she made im guessing 200 cals what do u guys think
one tree hill tonite i cant wait i love the new season ijust love that show in general so yay i get to watch oth and then i get to watch season finale on teen mom i love that show maci is my fav she just seems liek the best mom she does everything for her son and takes him everywhere. iknow im mean but it seems like every epi catleynn gets bigger i know throw the daggers but yeah
o and tomm at 10pm on E that food show is on the what eats u or whatever its called but im guessing its aobut disorded eating and stuff idk i dont know much about it but im sure gonna watch it
food log
breakfast
*pear-75
snack
*pretzels-100
lunch
*asparagus-20
*salad-lettuce(20), pickle(0), tomato(15), peppers(20)
snack
*dried papaya-140
dinner
*the pic of what aunt made
drinks
*cup of peppermint tea
*liter of water
*fuze-20
exercise
*hour and half air bike-204 cals burned
*65 min elly lever 5- 478 cals burned
my head is cloudy today and im tired and my heart was just bugging me a lil but it could b cause i was stupid and barely drank much but ima fix that like i said i gotta keep drinking i forget to drink so i gotta force it down most of the time.
i went to the library today i hate the library i know weird i love to read i love books but i hate the library its just way to quite in there for me idk but i had to go. i really wanted "wasted" and since my friend has my copy i had to borrow the libraries one. i was reading it online but i like to feel the book in my hand i know its werid but i like the way books feel call me crazy its ok.
i went tot he gym today cause it was raining this moring the rain explained y my body was in so much pain last nite. i have alot of old injuries that never healed right so when its gonna rain or snow or b cold or hot or just plain changes seasons i can feel it and last nite i just hurt so bad tot he point were i coudlnt lay still i had to keep moving and finding a werid positon to lay in. the werid postions look uncomfrtable but they help.
my mom told me today that my cousin is gonna bring the kids down tomm yay. i havent seen them since she had her 3rd lil one. and munchin said she missed us so they are all coming down tomm im so excited i cant wait to c them imiss them somuch its crazy.
i did air bike today fora bout hour and half i tired to find the cals burned online the closest think i came up with was stationary bike very light burns 204 cals for the hour and half so ima go with that id rather under estimate cals burned then over estimate them.
so my aunt made us dinner today i hate when other ppl cook me food cause idk the cals of nehting like that. but she made us broccoli, garlic noodles, and chicken in like sauce that im guess was red wine vinager. this is what she made im guessing 200 cals what do u guys think
one tree hill tonite i cant wait i love the new season ijust love that show in general so yay i get to watch oth and then i get to watch season finale on teen mom i love that show maci is my fav she just seems liek the best mom she does everything for her son and takes him everywhere. iknow im mean but it seems like every epi catleynn gets bigger i know throw the daggers but yeah
o and tomm at 10pm on E that food show is on the what eats u or whatever its called but im guessing its aobut disorded eating and stuff idk i dont know much about it but im sure gonna watch it
food log
breakfast
*pear-75
snack
*pretzels-100
lunch
*asparagus-20
*salad-lettuce(20), pickle(0), tomato(15), peppers(20)
snack
*dried papaya-140
dinner
*the pic of what aunt made
drinks
*cup of peppermint tea
*liter of water
*fuze-20
exercise
*hour and half air bike-204 cals burned
*65 min elly lever 5- 478 cals burned
Monday, October 11, 2010
rambling
so major major major freak out today i completely lost it
i cant do this nemore i cant keep trying to get better when i know that the only way i can get better is if i hit rock bottom first cause that is just how i work
is rock bottom gonna suck yes am i gonna get extrememly sick yes am i gonna hurt the love of my life yes is it worth it no but i have to do it an di hope that everyone understands that this spiral downward is what i have to do.
how can i make other ppl happy if im not happy myself i know that i will never b truley happy and iknow that this disease will always always b with me and i know that there is nuttin i can do about it
but i cant keep going the way thatim going i cant keep trying to get better on my own i cant keep eating close to 1500 calories a day just to freak out and then workout alot and only eat 600 calories the enxt day so its all or nuttin so im diving head first into my ed again i have to try and not let it get completely out of contorl again though cause i will not let the boy c me practically on deaths door again so i have to eat something everyday even if its juts a piece of fruit and ihave to keep drinking my water this time as well.
i know im prob confusing u all but i will try to make sense of it all
c i keep jumping back and forth between trying to get better for the boy and then realizing that i really cant do it the jumping back and forth is in fact making me worse.
my body is rebelling against me in so many ways its crazy my acid reflux my stomach issues just everything its like its yelling at me to just let it take over for a lil for i can hit rock bottom and get the help that i need but cant get cause im not sick enough or that i have to many issues yes a hterapist i emailed said i had to many issues but neway
idk i just totaally lost it today i was sitting in my room after my walk and i just snapped i realized that im a fat ass mother fucker who cant keep going the way that i am. i cant make the boy happy ifim not happy myself
all this food that i have been eating the scale being stuck at 100 is just all wrong its killing me
i know that im sick i know that my heart should b the way it is i know that my stomach got fucked up way to quickly that the constant urge to throw up isnt normal but what am i to do about it.
i just mindlessly eat now cause i think thats what normal ppl do but in all reality i have no idea what normal ppl do so im doing what i think they do i think that they much thru out the day that the make this big meals and eat them all but when i do that i get sick like physcally sick
like today after my dinner that i coudlnt even finish cause my heart started beating so fast that i got so hot that i had to take off some layers that i just put on cause i was cold that i had to lay down and not move for 10 minutes inthe fear that i was acutally gonna throw up my tongue felt swollen i kept constantly swolling thats normal at all
so th eplan is to downward spiral an du might all think thatim crazy for palnning that but hey its just something that is happening the time has come ive been fighting the downward spiral for to long now and ijust cant fight it nemore so ima let it go ima downward spiral ima hit rock bottom an dima get the help that i need then ima try like hell to not relapse i cant keep relasping nemore. if i want the wedding and the kids and everything then i gotta try u know eventually my body is going to just give out and its gonna fail me but lets hope that i get the helpi need first b4 that happens.
i wanna spend the rest of my life with the boy i want to live together and get marrie have a kid or 2 i want to grow old with him i dont want to die young i dont want to hurt nemore
but right now i got to hurt an di have to hurt bad
today was just t he last straw and everything.so hello down ward spiral nice to meet u i will b with u for awhile.
at least my freakout didnt involve cutting today ive acutally been doing pretty well with that recently my freak o ut involved spending an hour andhalf trying to find "wasted" online then going tot he library and realizing that its fucking closed for whatever the damn holiday it is today. i own the book its just loaned out to my friend at the moment. after freaking out for that long the lovely J came online and she emailed me her downloaded copy thank god i lov eu so much J ur the best most amzing person ever. so now im reading that and tomm ima go to the library and get the book i like holding a book an dreading from it the internet will do today though
so i guess im done rambling idk idk what i even said or if it makes sense but alli know is im letting it take over and ima hit rock bottom
i cant do this nemore i cant keep trying to get better when i know that the only way i can get better is if i hit rock bottom first cause that is just how i work
is rock bottom gonna suck yes am i gonna get extrememly sick yes am i gonna hurt the love of my life yes is it worth it no but i have to do it an di hope that everyone understands that this spiral downward is what i have to do.
how can i make other ppl happy if im not happy myself i know that i will never b truley happy and iknow that this disease will always always b with me and i know that there is nuttin i can do about it
but i cant keep going the way thatim going i cant keep trying to get better on my own i cant keep eating close to 1500 calories a day just to freak out and then workout alot and only eat 600 calories the enxt day so its all or nuttin so im diving head first into my ed again i have to try and not let it get completely out of contorl again though cause i will not let the boy c me practically on deaths door again so i have to eat something everyday even if its juts a piece of fruit and ihave to keep drinking my water this time as well.
i know im prob confusing u all but i will try to make sense of it all
c i keep jumping back and forth between trying to get better for the boy and then realizing that i really cant do it the jumping back and forth is in fact making me worse.
my body is rebelling against me in so many ways its crazy my acid reflux my stomach issues just everything its like its yelling at me to just let it take over for a lil for i can hit rock bottom and get the help that i need but cant get cause im not sick enough or that i have to many issues yes a hterapist i emailed said i had to many issues but neway
idk i just totaally lost it today i was sitting in my room after my walk and i just snapped i realized that im a fat ass mother fucker who cant keep going the way that i am. i cant make the boy happy ifim not happy myself
all this food that i have been eating the scale being stuck at 100 is just all wrong its killing me
i know that im sick i know that my heart should b the way it is i know that my stomach got fucked up way to quickly that the constant urge to throw up isnt normal but what am i to do about it.
i just mindlessly eat now cause i think thats what normal ppl do but in all reality i have no idea what normal ppl do so im doing what i think they do i think that they much thru out the day that the make this big meals and eat them all but when i do that i get sick like physcally sick
like today after my dinner that i coudlnt even finish cause my heart started beating so fast that i got so hot that i had to take off some layers that i just put on cause i was cold that i had to lay down and not move for 10 minutes inthe fear that i was acutally gonna throw up my tongue felt swollen i kept constantly swolling thats normal at all
so th eplan is to downward spiral an du might all think thatim crazy for palnning that but hey its just something that is happening the time has come ive been fighting the downward spiral for to long now and ijust cant fight it nemore so ima let it go ima downward spiral ima hit rock bottom an dima get the help that i need then ima try like hell to not relapse i cant keep relasping nemore. if i want the wedding and the kids and everything then i gotta try u know eventually my body is going to just give out and its gonna fail me but lets hope that i get the helpi need first b4 that happens.
i wanna spend the rest of my life with the boy i want to live together and get marrie have a kid or 2 i want to grow old with him i dont want to die young i dont want to hurt nemore
but right now i got to hurt an di have to hurt bad
today was just t he last straw and everything.so hello down ward spiral nice to meet u i will b with u for awhile.
at least my freakout didnt involve cutting today ive acutally been doing pretty well with that recently my freak o ut involved spending an hour andhalf trying to find "wasted" online then going tot he library and realizing that its fucking closed for whatever the damn holiday it is today. i own the book its just loaned out to my friend at the moment. after freaking out for that long the lovely J came online and she emailed me her downloaded copy thank god i lov eu so much J ur the best most amzing person ever. so now im reading that and tomm ima go to the library and get the book i like holding a book an dreading from it the internet will do today though
so i guess im done rambling idk idk what i even said or if it makes sense but alli know is im letting it take over and ima hit rock bottom
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