12/14/10

so had the day off of work today its weird im not use to having a day off again i worked all of last week and then sunday and monday of this week and now i have off today and i have off again on thursday,

igot stuff down today though i did 4 loads of laundryyup count them 4 my sheets, comformter, clothes, and then jeans so yes all my laundry is done

i still ahve t paint my nails yet though im planning on redoing them ijsut havent yet
but i took my si to the gym with me cause i could bring a guest so she came with me i did 65 mins on elly burned 451 cals and she did 40 mins on elly and then walked for 20 on tready idk hjow many cals she burned though

i prob shouldnt of wokred out causei m still sick and u can tell im sick my voice is all werid and my mom said i look like shit so yeah thanx mom but im taking 3 aleve every 12 hours to help witha ll the pain im in and then mucinex ever 12 hours for the cest congestion and then robutision ever 4 hours for everything else

im still really tired and weak my head is all cloudy and i lose my train of thought and i get dizzy and my legs almost give out all the time. im coughing albot and my ribs hurt form that thjers still alot of pressure in my chest and ribs but i think the combo of meds is helping that a lil i just get shaprt pains i my chest but ithink that is more ed related thens ick related

ims till working on getting all caught up on ur blogs i read some today but i got s omany so if i dont get to all of them m so sorry

food for today

9am-bowl of oatmeal
then til 5am-snacks on some sugar cookes and had a lil cake icicng
5pm- bag of frozen green beans and 100 cal pringle pack

drinks
*2 mugs of tea
*2 liters of water
* cup of 10 cal lemonade

idk if ima eat nemore today we will c my sotmach hurts so bad an di dont have much of an appetite from being sick so hopefully i will still lose weight

work went good yesterday i spent most of my time on the register they are training me for that and i did much better then the first day i thinki was jsut nervouse but i did reallly good yesterday proudo f myself yay :)im getting along with allm y coworkers one is crazy and lies alot and ppl dont like her and yeah so i avoid her as much as i can but i worked 7 hours yesterday

after work i went to target i needed to get my cold medicine soi got my muscinex, robutusin, and cough drops. also got hat glove scarf set for my one cousins xmas present. got 3 nail polishs and new clippers and emery board i can never find mine. and also more makeup so mascare eyeliner and 2 eyeshadow palletes one is a bronzy thing and other is like shadowy one. and also 2 laurne conrad books i read her first one never read the other too but surpsingly shes a good writer.

well im off to relax
sorry for the quick post im really out of it
love ua ll

12/13/10

sorry i didnt update all wkd i worked and i was just so exhausted that i coudlnt even think enough to form words so i will give u a quick overview of the wkd and then hopefully after work today i can catch up on all urlovely blogs.

well lets c on friday i worked 10-1 and then i did some xmas shopping i think i told u guys this already but friday nite we went out ot eat as per usualy. we went to red robin iw as gonna get my normal apple harvest salad but the boy pointed out this new rice terrikyiy bowl u can either get it with chicken or vegetables. so i decided to get it with vegetables i looked up the cals online and it was 592 cals for the hole thing and it w as huge i ate like 1/4 of it. and took the rest home.

when we got home i talked to hima bout how i tried to b normal i relaly tried to get better for him but i hate the way i look. my stomach is huge as im poking at it. i told him i gained weight an di told him my weight heslike thats ag ood weight. im like i just dont like it i dont hes like but wasnt ur heart feel ing better cause u were eating more nutrients iml ike yeah but ugh.

so he said that i could cut my cals down eat healthy like i can have my fruits and veggies. i can cut the cals as long as i promise to keep eating cause he doesnt want me to strain my heart nemore then i already have( heknows how bad my heart is). and i can workout more well if i can get tot he gymw ith work. and i can lose the weight i gained so yay me ij ust have to watch my heart that was the compromise and shit.

saturday i worked 12-930pm it was so tiring i went home showered real quick and picked up the boy by 10:05pm and we went out to eat again he diecded that he didnt want to go out with hes friends that he wanted to hang out with me so we went to applebees and ijust got a wrap

yesterday i wroked 11-630pm and then went to th grocery store after i got 6 apples, 5 taqngerines, lb bing cherreis, and 2 lbs of grapes. also got 2 boxes of cereal and some unsweetened 35 cal almond milk.

ok i gotta run my cousins are here im watching them for a lil b4 i go to work form 12-7pm

im getting sick or im exhausted or my pheumonia is coming back idk but my chest and ribs front and back hurt so bad its somuch pressure and i just wanna pike them and cut it open to let the pressure out

love u all stay strong i'll psot more later

12/10/10

outfit




weight at 730 this morning 106.8
weight at 530pm after my second shower 105.8

so app i lose a lb today so yay for that it was prob just water weight but stilla loss is a loss an di need all the weight loss i can get right now
my lower stomach needs the most walk i got a nice bump an dit needs to go away and my thighs need to get a lil smaller but i doubt that will happen sinceim an exercise addict so yeah but 95 lbs here i come

heres a pic of my new coat i bought today




it was time for a new coat and i fell in love with it at work so after my shift today i bought it and some xmas presents but we will talk about that later

today was suppose to b my day off but i endedupt working a few hours the nice manger guy asked and since it was him i said yes an di also said 3 hours later yesterday as well so after tomm i will have work 39 andhalf hours this week yup thats alot
tomm i work 12-9pm today i worked 10-1 pm iw as suppsoe to stay til 3 but id b over 40 hours then and cant work over 40 hours there so i had to leave at 1. yesterday iw as suppsoe to work 12-6 ended up doing 12-9 instead i was tired after that.

and i didnt bring food wit mie cause i was jsut gonna eat when i got home a lil after 6 so i had to buy something i ended pup gettng a chicken wrap from pizza place there my mall does have a food court just 2 pizza places, chinese and a pretzel place os yeah not many options. but the wrap was huge and it caome with sid eof chips and a pickles. so i ate one half of the wrap few bites of the pickle and the chips and took the rest home which i ended up eatign later that nite neway

as of right now i have off on tuesdays and i cant wait i wanna go to the gym and get a work out in i need a good workout at this point i havent been there all week cause of work

today hafter work i did some shopping yup i hopped at work i had to get my sis's bday and xmas presents and ineeded a cote. so i got a coat(pictre above) and a sweater(also pictured above) got myself a pair of pj pants and a scarf. for my sis i got her a 2 scarves a zip up hoodie and a sweater its a combined bday xmas present her bday is 18th then xmas is 25th. also picke dup a few things for my mom as well.

then i walked donw to gerturde hawk and got the boys mom present every year i get her a lb box of choc and she loves it so i did that.

man is it cold today it was even fulrring a lil bit ugh i hate cold weather caus im already cold as it is and then u add in the cold weather an dits just a disaster ugh.

so today i worked 10-1 constntly moving an dwalking and folding and putting things away, then i cleaned up my room, orgainzed my closest, and vaccumed the lil carpet in my room.

food for today apple, few handful chips, banana
drinks, mug of green tea, bottle sobe lifewater 0 mango melon, bottle of water

ima watch a year withotu a santa clause and finish getting read
lov eua ll

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belle-yeah its risky but i trust her an di can only hope that she doesnt tell neway and its a huge weight of ur sholders to have at least one person u dont have to hide form

acka11-yes we can stop binging i need to ugh im sure we can stop though adn lsoe weight

alice-its cool hun uve been going thru ur own things. lik eyeah i can talk to her but im still not gonna b compltely honest id might scare her off if she knew everything u know
and yes we can get to 95 lbs def

desesperee de maigrir- i cant get rid of my bangs my forhead breaks out alot and bad so i like to hide it so the bangs are neccesary

petite girl- im glad that u have some1 that u can talk to as well its nice to have some1 that understand u or at least understand part of it

believe-yeah thats all u can do wait and c what happens just take it one day at a time and it works

12/8/10

so i kinda got found out today
one of my coworkers is very observant and she notices i never eat at work ro only eat like salad or chicken and she made acomment and i guess my face gave it away
so now she knows about my lil ed well not little but uknow what i mean

i trust her though like from the first moment i started working there and she was there we just clicked its like idk we were instant friends so i can trust her an diknow that she would tell neone she better not

she doesnt have an ed but she loves to workout and she eats healthy well fof r the most psrt she likes her chinese but shes more of a eat alot and workout kinda of aperson

we had a nice long talk shes very curious i liteally hid in teh fitting room for like 30 minutes with her and jsut talked yeahi do work at my job lol but yeah we talked its like she was my thearpist she doeswnt understand it but shes curious but i trust

shes like thats it we are going to worl or ur self image we are gonna go shopping sometime and get new clothes and get our hair done do a makeover tahts it we are doing it no argueing with me so yeah

shes a few inches shorter then me and 110 lbs yes she told me i didnt tell her my weight but i said its the highest ive been in a while

but yeah so im found out already ive only been wokring there 2 weeks now and i guess my ed is that obivous

i need t lose weight though im tired of being fat scale sasi 107 lbs this moring ew hate that number
i gotta work on my binges if i stop binging i will b ok
i just relaly wanna b 95 lbs thas all i really want right now
so yeah the plan i made yesterday i stuck to it well for the most part alil varaitoins
b-oatmeal and some iced animal crackers
l(break at work)-2 cookies fruit bowl(didnt eat it all there was still some apple and mano left
d-grilled chicken 2 slices light 7 grain bread(toasted) and a few tomany tostios

drinks- mugh of blueberry tea, mug of acaimango tea, grande caffeien free green tea(bought it from place at mall), almost 2 liters of water

i didnt ear my heart monito starp today so idk my heart raite or howmany cals i burnt i just work my watch for i new teh time.
but i work 9 hours well 8 had an hour break but yeah i was on my feet the hole time if i wasnt mocing i was standing. spent 3 hours in the fitting room(broken up thru out he day) hour and half training on the register and then rest just u know folding and putting clothes back.

my thumbos hurt trying to get those damn security tags off clothes is a bitch sometiems the magneitc thing doesnt work right idk but my thumbs were bleeding fro gripping them so hard ugh

ttomm i work 12-6 and then ihave friday off
but this wkd we can wear pj's so i have to buy pj's from work tomm to wear themo n saturday at least i will b ocmfy for my 9 hour shift there

it was flurring a lil today off and on nuttin stuck though but damn it was cold really cold and windy and its suppose to b even colder tomm gotta love winter in the north east ugh ih ate the cold im alwasy cold as it is and then add in the weather its like im cold to my bones

i really gotta clean my room b4 friday when i c the boy its a disaster a copletel disaster ugh like i have my ocd moments and the i have moments wer eijust dont care and yeah my roomis more like organized chaos

ok tomm ima do oatmela for breakfast again i'll bring some fruit strpes to work tomm(didnt eat the ones i was suppose to eat today) adn dinne idk mayb soup and toast

love u all time to relax and watch tv mayb do some crunhes
i cant wait for firday i need to workout like mad and i wan my elly so gym friday

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lov2laff-ive gained 6 lbs im 107 sometiems i think the binges are huritng it worse cause its making it hurt more an dyeah i buy my own food so i gotta stop buying the snack items

mich-wait u cant find the pepperidge farm bread by u really did u check target and walamrt and all the grocery stores yeah i need to get neosporin it itches lik ea bitch

sarah-thanc hunny ur comments mean alot

helen vet- i have no idea what u said to me

12/7/10

so yeah i really dont have much to say cause i binged again today i saw im not gonna do it nemore that the next day i will do better and everything will b ok i will lsoe the weight i gained and i will look bettter and not hate myself as much as i do now but yeah that all went down hill today ugh i suck

well this moring i ate: cup of southerwestern soup, mango, few chips, and some ice cream
before work had a banana
at work at a promgrante fruit bar
dinner had can of low sodium healthy choice chicken noodle soup
after dinner half a bag of baked tostios and almost a hole box of generic iced animal crackers

yup im fat and gross an di hate myself and y can tijust fucking stop eating al ready god mdanit fucking sucks i need to get my contorl back but tis so hard with working somuch and then having to worry about my damn heart the heart monitor strap digs intp my ribs at work it starts to hrut after awhile ugh i relaly hate msyle fna dmy life

work wnet good though 5 hour shift today i kept moving most of the time a dim getting to know the other workers more but its so fucking cold in the store i had on a long sleeve shirt and a sweater an di was so cold tomm i work 9 hours ima just wear a nice warm bagggy sweatshirt i cant b an icicle for 9 hours it just wont work.
but yeah work i spend my days putting clothes away and folding clothes im not trained on register so i dont do that but they ahve strted to put me in the fitting room we all get an hour shift in there and it gets boring casue u just stand around but tis good u can zone out in my case let my mind wonder give it a break but its even colder in there

after work today id eicdd to go ot target and get some snacks for i have them here for my 5 or shorter hour shifts at work i can just bring some snacks my longer shift i will bring acutal food but it back fired a lil as u can tell by my binge but i got
*baked tostios
*iced animal crackers
*peppreidg e farm light bread 45 cal a slice
*2 v8 soup boxes
* 100 cal packs of prinles
*2 boxes fruit strips 45 cals for one
*nautre valley bars oats and honey
* ritz pretzel crackers

i also made plan for tomm sinc eim working 9 hours ima need nergy and everything so i go tmy food plan down

b- oatmeal and 1 slice 45 cal toast
l(i get an hour break)- fruit bowl apple banana and mango
snacks at work(15 min breaks)- 2 fruit strips
d-grilled chicken and soemthing else dk what yet

and i will prob have a snavk b4 bed if i really need it dont know what it will b though

and i really shoudl of went on friday and got stitches my cut is gross i cut friday i reopened in on satruday and i hit it today and it started bleeding it still bubbles when i clean it with peroxide and its like a nice gapping hole its gonna b a nasty ass scar
i rly gotta try adn break that habit again

thank u guys for ur comments on my last post it relaly means alot

12/6/10

so ij ust spent an hour getting caught up on all the blogs sincei kinda fell over the face of the planet in blog world this wkd so ihad some catching up to do and yes i read and commetned on the blogs i missed well most of them i think i might of missed a few and if i missed urs in so sorry

so this is my 300th post wow thats alot damn ive been blogging for what a year and half now but wow i cant beleive ithat i have that many post and 210 followers ilove u all u area ll thebest and i hope that i dont bore u guys to much

i want to apologize to u guys for disappearing this wkd my depression has gotten really bad and iddint know y at first and then i realized its decemeber its december ugh me and december dont get along at all.

c my grandmother passed way 7 years ago in decemeber well december 2nd to b exact i knew there had to b a reason y i was so depressed and binging so much and it hit me this wkd about my grandmother me and her were very close and i miss her so much. the boyfriend never got to meet her we were only together a few months b4 she passed and she owuld of loved him go she would of and she would of insisted on being called gram i miss her so much

my mom keeps talking about her(it was her mom) she keeps telling all the flower that are on the grave and the grave balnkets and pillows they got her and this poem my uncle wrote her. now shes telling me this cause i cant go to her grave i just cant me and my one cousin are the only ones who just cant go its to hard for me i cant go and everyone undertands that so they tell me what they got her. and on the off chance that my mom wanst to go while im in the car i stay in the car with my head turned the other way music on trying to distract myself. i know its not healthy that i cant go but ijust cant accepted it i dont wanna she her grave ij ust dont wanna.

and i dont wanna hear about what they got her either its just to hard but they telll me neway and its no tlike i can just tell thema ll to shut the ufckup that would b rude so i listena nd i get depressed and i cry. now i kno wy my emotions were all over theplace.

but now that i know i can work onmy depression i know its gonna b bad all month but mayb i can fianlly get my binging under contorl and i can lose the weight i gained.

yes i gained weight i amnow 105 lbs ugh i weighed this morning.
i binged alot this wkd way to mucha nd we wont go into all the details but it was lot f bread and a can od cake icing and way more stuff as well.
my heart didnt like me at all for that it had to work so much harder cause of all the food and god it was scarying me after i ate i had to lay down for i woudlnt get up and purge all the food i ate i refused to purge i didnt wannag et in that cycel so i wouldjust have to lay there for like 10 minutes not moving until i didnt feela s sick and i coudl get up and move.

this wkd was blah tom uch food but i did get to workout since i had off of work last week
friday nite was date nite we went to tgifridays i got my nomral dragonfire chicken and the boy made me eat most of it i told him i have bene eating way to much lately hes like y im like cause i tried to b normal again i cant hes like i just eat on a scheudle and im like i hate food that was the nd of the convo we really didnt go into nething he knows that i hate my stomach like relaly hate it idk mayb he thinks that im jsut like going thru something or idk that since im eating he wont bug me until i lose the weight again idk does that make ne sense it doesnt really make sense to me but yeah

we went and say due date after dinner it was funny our 2 friends were with us at dinner and the movie

saturday i started xmas shopping and went to the gym
sunday went to the gyma s well
so last week i went tot he gym sunday, monday, tuesday, friday, saturday and sunday
so yes good workout week
this week wont b a good workout week at all.

i gotta work alot so iw ll prob only b able to go to the gym friday but iw ill burn enough being at work.

so started my xmas shopping i got a few ppl done. got all 3 ofm y cousins done the 3 lil ones that i watch and i got my other 2 cousins done as well so thas a good start for me

i sitll have to figure out what ima get the boy he got me 2 things and hes nervous for some reason he keeps saying ihope that u like it and look i will like nething he got me he doesnt have to get me nething id b happy just hanging with himi dont need gifts to knmow that he loves me.

buti gotta figure out what to get him im thinking flyers tickets and mayb broadway tickets he keeps mentioning that he would love to see a show so i gotta look not that.

during my shopping trips i did buy a heart monitor watch my pedometer watch broke so i got a new one this one comes with a strap that u wear rigth under ur chest like right under ur bra and then u wear ur watch and it tracks ur heart rate and also give u cal burns and a hole lot of other stuff its good liets me keep track of my heart the lowest it dropped today was 64 the highest it wnt was 240 bpm

yeah the high is really high but i had soda today and im not suppose to b drinkng ne sort of caffeine so yeah that would do it.

i wate to much again today not as much as i have been eating but still to much so im workingo ut it

im hoping i can get it under control soon for i can get this weight i gained off
i worked 10-2pm today and i was gonna go tot eh gym after but i just deicded that i didnt want to i had enough of ppl and ijust wanted to go home so i stopped filled my car up with gas and bought myself something to eat
a nice size grilled chicken chicken salad(lettuce, hot chicken, hot peppers, pickle chips, cucumbers, oregaon) and a small chicken noodle soup

ti was yummy filled me up
so alli ate today is
*bowl of oatmeal
*rest of my cake icicng
*grilled chicken salald
*small chicken noodle soup
*vending machine pack of twizzlers
*1 choc cihp cookie

ima try and not eat nemore today cause i think thats more then enough cals well its way more then enough cals

and its so cold so so so cold
we finally got the snow they wre calling for today so we have a nice dusting ont he ground crazy weather
i gotta work tomm 12-5pm nice 5 hour shift :) it was freezing in there today like iw as shivering the hole time
my watch said i burend 631 cals today to yay me

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lov2laff-its hard to tell a cutter not to cut cause they dont listen ha but dont worry im ok i need stitches but im ok

mich-yeah i cant find ne of those bandiase i looked for them at the store the other day and couldnt find them damn ugh cause i reopened it yesterday so it looks even grosser but im taking care of it

desesperee- we jsut got our snow now we didnt have it in the monring got it later but we hav ea nice dusting on the ground

12/3/10

outfit



so there u have it the outfit for date nite dinner and moive with hes friend and girfiend.
dont mind the fatness ugh i feel like ih ave gained som uch weight lately an didk how yeah ive beene aitingmore but i dont htink it was enough to gain that much weight ugh im fat and gorss and just ew ugh i hate looking at mysel fidk how u guys can look at me but i know u like seein gmy outfits so i just had to post.

had a mini binge today i went to the gym after burend 477 cals and also did about 45 mins of curnches so hopefully that helped but i did eat a lil stuff after ugh im fat i gotta stop eating.

got my hair all dyed and done it didnt turn out exaclty how i was picituring but hey it still worked and yes i did it myself at first glance it just looks like all black but when u get it in ther ight light u can c the red. so in the pic i tried to stand under the light for u guys can c. here it is




so i think that i need stitches again i always need stitches but i never go and get them no wonder my scars are really bad yup i cut today ijust look at myself in the mirror and its just ew so i cut to try and make the voices stop its just one cut byt my razors suck so i have to go over it a few times til i get it deep enough. knowing me i will reopen again tomm and make it deeper yeah im crazy like that i like pain it makes me feel better and numb at the same time yeah werid but o well that is who i am.

i went to toys r us with my mom today to look at stuff for xmaas for my cousins but we coudlnt find nething so ima go to target tomm.
Eclipse comes out on dvd yay cant wait so ima go and get tthat fo rmsyelf of course and then start my xmas shopping i can get a few ppl done there so yay and then ima go tot he gym and workout.
ima try and do mostly fruit tomm try is the word i seem to b failing alot lately but yeah i need to get the fat off

i got my work schedule yesterday for next week finally they are trying to kill me
mon-5-930pm tue-12-5pm wed-10-7pm thur-12-6pm fri-off sat-12-9pm
i hope that my heart is ok enough to handle tha ti dont wanna almost pass out again

ok i gotta go finshed gettign ready real wuick b4 we go out
hope everyone is having a good dday love u all stay strong