12/29/10

sorry i didnt update yesterday i had to work and then came home ahd a qucik but lil dinner then boy came over but will update now since idk if i will b able to update later again

yesterday ihad to work 11-7 loveley i know ih ate the one manager they left me alone up at the register which is fine so i was just stadnign there well half leaning ont he ocunter and he walks up and is like u know u can clean or something im like well what do u want me to do.

its not like i can leave the register area im the only one up there i cant just walk away if soem1 else was there too then yeah thats different but yeah i was alone up there. how come everyone esle can stand around adn talk and do nothing but as soon as i do i get in trouble for it its so not fair the managers do nuttin all day unless we get so busy that all of us are frazzled then the step in but momslty they are sitting around onf standing around doing nutting ugh

but while i was walking around trying to look busy i decided to shop i put stuff on hold and paid for it hafter work this is what i got

2 open front sweater one in coral one in black both extra smalls




3 sub half button long sleeve henleys and 3 thank tops all extra smalls again




im still having alot of issues with my stomach im either nasouses my chest pains are worst or im in intense pain in my lower stomach somestims all at once so yeah its not very fun i gotta get this under contorl its hard to work and get thru my day

food log for 12/28/10
*20 bing cherries
*pack of wheat and cheese crackers
*2 cups chicken broth
*small handful tostios
*2 slices light fiber bread, half can tuna white albacore, 2 slices tomato

pic of my tuna and tostios



i woke up with chest pains had to take boy home and then i decided to eat osemthing os i had some xmas cookies the italin ones that ma only makes once a year and soem sugar ones as well with half a cup of almond milk

yeah it helpe dmy chest but now im extremely nasouses lovely
well ima go relax and do crunches and stuff b4 work love ua ll

_____________________________________________________
*sarah-thanx hun

*desepree-yeah we didnt get all the 12 inches that we were expected to get but ugh every road in town is clear except mine of course so i slide alil wheni drive but hey thats snow for ya

*pixie-im fine hun i'll b fine its just not very fun or pleasant at all

*helen-thanx hunny

*mich-yeah my cousin is on meds for his ijsut want soething to help it u know the pain gets really bad at times
im glad that ur moms is doing better though yay for that

12/27/10

so idid some research today yeah lol i know me and my research it makes me feel better though but i finally figured out how to spell the disease my uncle thinks i have well my mom spelled it for me ha im horrible at spelling but neway its called ulcerative colitis.

this is what i found out about it:(im juts gonna copy and paste some stuff)
all this info comes from here http://digestive.niddk.nih.gov/ddiseases/pubs/colitis/

defintion:

Ulcerative colitis is a disease that causes inflammation and sores, called ulcers, in the lining of the rectum and colon. Ulcers form where inflammation has killed the cells that usually line the colon, then bleed and produce pus. Inflammation in the colon also causes the colon to empty frequently, causing diarrhea.

When the inflammation occurs in the rectum and lower part of the colon it is called ulcerative proctitis. If the entire colon is affected it is called pancolitis. If only the left side of the colon is affected it is called limited or distal colitis.

Ulcerative colitis is an inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), the general name for diseases that cause inflammation in the small intestine and colon. It can be difficult to diagnose because its symptoms are similar to other intestinal disorders and to another type of IBD called Crohn’s disease. Crohn’s disease differs because it causes inflammation deeper within the intestinal wall and can occur in other parts of the digestive system including the small intestine, mouth, esophagus, and stomach.

Ulcerative colitis can occur in people of any age, but it usually starts between the ages of 15 and 30, and less frequently between 50 and 70 years of age. It affects men and women equally and appears to run in families, with reports of up to 20 percent of people with ulcerative colitis having a family member or relative with ulcerative colitis or Crohn’s disease. A higher incidence of ulcerative colitis is seen in Whites and people of Jewish descent.

and the symptoms:

The most common symptoms of ulcerative colitis are abdominal pain and bloody diarrhea. Patients also may experience

•anemia
•fatigue
•weight loss
•loss of appetite
•rectal bleeding
•loss of body fluids and nutrients
•skin lesions
•joint pain
•growth failure (specifically in children)
About half of the people diagnosed with ulcerative colitis have mild symptoms. Others suffer frequent fevers, bloody diarrhea, nausea, and severe abdominal cramps. Ulcerative colitis may also cause problems such as arthritis, inflammation of the eye, liver disease, and osteoporosis. It is not known why these problems occur outside the colon. Scientists think these complications may be the result of inflammation triggered by the immune system. Some of these problems go away when the colitis is treated.

it sounds lovley doesnt it i dont have all of the symtoms like the bleeding i only get that somtiems and its never much so i usually just ingnore it but i do have most of those symtoms the stomach pain and cramps are the worse and its hard to tell with the weight loss cause i am trying to loss weight um hi yeah eating disorder here but yeah thats what it is

theo nly way to find out is to get test done since i dont have insurance and genreally hate doctors i cant get it down but the oby said once i get insurance i have to get all the test doen and figure out exaclty what is wrong with me

but tiwth this disease i should avoid(this is froma different site)
•Avoid high-fiber foods (bran, beans, nuts, seeds, and popcorn).
•Avoid fatty greasy or fried foods and sauces (butter, margarine, and heavy cream).
•Limit milk products if you are lactose intolerant,. Dairy products are a good source of protein and calcium.
•Avoid or limit alcohol and caffeine.

and i should:
•Eat small amounts of food throughout the day.
•Drink lots of water (frequent consumption of small amounts throughout the day).


i dont mind avoiding those food neway since my heart cant handle caffeint and my stomach as never liked greasy food and dairy makes my acid reflux go crazy.
it makes me want to eat even less cause of all the pain that im in after so i really dont eat much nemore which is helping my weight loss tons :)

i also so syptoms of lactose intolerance
*Bloating.
*Pain or cramps in the lower belly.
*Gurgling or rumbling sounds in the lower belly.
*Gas.
*Loose stools or diarrhea. Sometimes the stools are foamy.
*Throwing up.

and syptoms of celiac disease(gluten allergy)
•abdominal bloating and pain
•chronic diarrhea
•vomiting
•constipation
•pale, foul-smelling, or fatty stool
•weight loss
and a few other sypmtoms of it that adults could have
•unexplained iron-deficiency anemia
•fatigue
•bone or joint pain
•arthritis
•bone loss or osteoporosis
•depression or anxiety
•tingling numbness in the hands and feet
•seizures
•missed menstrual periods
•infertility or recurrent miscarriage
•canker sores inside the mouth
•an itchy skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis


so lets just say that im a mess at the moment ha literallly a mess it took me an hour and half just to eatmy fruit bowl this morning i had to keep stopping cause the pain was to bad even ahd to hav ea BM in the middle of eating it yup thats how bad my stomach is atm lovely isnt it arent u gald u arent me.

but neway no work today for me i was schedule off good thing cause the my road is a mess we didnt get all that they were expecting though well at least my town didnt byt the ground is covered in snow and i couldnt go tot he gym today cause i didnt know how all the roads were.

but idid laundry today and i helped my sis make pizza dip and did crunches and read alot.
o im reading this great book on my kindle hehehe "hunger" by jackie kessler u guys edef have to read it its about the 4 horseman but the main character as an ed and she is famine so def read it.

food log for the day
*fruit bowl(apple, banana, tangerine)
*5 cookes(2 cut outs 3 italian)
* few tostitos dipped in the pizza dip( felt so sick after that)

drinks
*liter of water
*mug of peppermint tea

idk if ima eat dinner tonite or not ij ust had my 2nd BM of the day made the stomach pain stop for the moemnt an di have no desire to get it back so mayb i will just skip dinner and hope the pain doesnt come back it leaves me curled up in a ball on my bed not fun at all

o and im def gonna try and find the st johns wart cause i have all the symtoms of depression which i know i have but here are the symptoms
*Headaches.
*Back pain.
*Muscle aches and joint pain.
*Chest pain
*Digestive problems
*Exhaustion and fatigue.
*Sleeping problems.
*Change in appetite or weight
*Dizziness or lightheadedness.

ok im sure that u are all tired of reading all that health shit lol so yeah im stop writing now love u all

________________________________________________________________
*claude-i dont mind having ed books around everyone know si will read everything so they dont think twice about it. im lovingmy kindle :)

*mich-lol aww thanx hun ur sweet not everyone likes my outfits though. o crohns suck my grandma had it and it runs in the family well stomach issues run in the family yes please let me know what they are mayb i can get some for my stomach

*stfusarah- i liv ein northeast jersey right ont he border or jersey and pa its msall town that u prob havent heard of but i'll give u the county its warren county. and thanx hun

12/26/10

so this is the outfit i wore on christmas




height 5'5 weight 103.8 bmi-17.3
yup those ar emy stats as of yesterdaymorning so im fianlly lsoing weight again yay idk if its from the diet pills or that i just get so sick everytime i eat that i just dont feel like eating much or nething at all i'll explain that later.

so my outfit was a purple sweater dress over leggings with knee high socks and my grey boots :). i had to borrow my sis's leggins that size small ones my mom got me were 2 big and my sis had a pair that were to tight on her and she let me wear them yes im older then her and im smaller then her :)

xmas went good i got stuff that i really liked :)
*boy got my a kindle(which i love) and the 10 disc collection ediotion of my toy story triliogy
*sis got me a grey sweater that has a heart on it and say love in the middle
*bro got me a $20 gift card to barnes and nobles
*parents- 3 sweater dresses, pair of jeans, belt, long sleeeve shirt, pair of pj pants, leggings, high socks
*nano and aunt- some money in a card.

the first stop on our xmas day was to my nano's house we were there for aobut hour and ahlf and i didnt eat nething at all i just had 2 glasses of water we had to deal with him trying to get us to eat cause none of us ate cause we were all going over my uants house later.

after that we went home for like an hour and mi made some mashed potates with soy almond milk

we got to my aunts house a lil after 2 and stayed til 730 this is waht i ate
*maybe 5 cookies(4 cut out one oatmeal)
*2 of my vegan cookies
*few handful of jelly beans
* some ritz crackers
*2 rolls
* and a few bits of my sis's lasgna

yes that is what i ate all day ididnt eat b4 or after so i tihnk that i did pretty good.
i got to play with my 3 lil adorabe cousins that i babysit. the littles one wasnt feeling well and i got thrown up on alot so when i got home i had to change out of my outfit for the nite with the boy. but it was a good day got to c my crazy family and everything.

the onlyt bad part was i was in alot of pain like alot im having alot of stomach issues lately netime i eat nething and i meant nething my sotmach hurts so bad someitmes i throw up sometimes i get bad diaharra and osmetimes im just sitting there in pain like pain and its not fun pain the really bad cramps and just the not wanting to move and i also get alot of the acid coming up my uncle has an idea of what it was. my souisn wasi nt he hopital over the summer and he says im showing almost all the same symptons of him and hes on meds and is on a special diet. the name is werid and long and i cant figure out how to spell it but its like stomach and intestines and stuff once i research it mor ei will let u guys know.

i wanna try and find the diet online for i can start following it and hoping it helps my aunts were telling me about it its like alot of fruit expcet cant have strawberries, black berries, raspberries,pinapple. but i can still have my bing cherries so thats all good at least.

today i had to work it was alil busy int he moring but it slowed down alot and we got to leave alil early
c im in the northeast new jersey and we are currently getting that big snow storm there were talking about different channels say different things some say 6-10 inches others say over 12 inches it all depends on how the tihng moves or sometihng
so my mom took me into work for i didnt have to drive home inthe mess an dmy dad picked me up i was supppose to work 10-630 but they let us out at like 550pm cause the mall wall was just so dead. yeah we slid a couple of times comiing home the havent treated the roads at all yet and knowing my town they will wait til the moring cause the owrse of it is suppose to come thru the nite.

food log for today
*bowl of frosted flakes with soy almond milk
*5 cookies
*can of progresso light soup chicken and italain herbs
*2 lil carmal candy things like bite size just caramel

i haven eaten dinner yet im sill deciding what i want i might just make a box of my v8 soup and just eat that cuase im so cold and im sure iw ill b in pain after but i wanna take another diet pill and i cant take that on an empty stomach

ima look on amazon and search for a skin for my kindle, a case for it, and a screeen potector i need to order all that. and i wanna order the yellow handechief and welcome to the rileys im so excited for them the first one i have been waitng ofr 2 years for it to come out on dvd casue its a indie movie

well love u all hopw ur having a good day

oo and update on me and boy we are ok we had a fight on xmas eve and talked/cried it out but we are ok right now i just gotta prove to him that i care that i love him i gotta make up for all the mistakes that i made. but he says im not the same happy girl nemore an diknow y its cause of my ed its my depression moslty i wasnt the depressed the first 3 years were were together we have been together 7 and half years and i relapsed about 4 years into our relationship and imve been struggling ever since. and my doc is clueless bout everything so i heard that st. johns wart or something like that is good for depression so ima look into getting that. i can deal with my ed its just the horrible depression and no selft esteem and no self confidance aand not dealing withmy emotions that is killing me

_____________________________________________
*skelton strong- aw thanx hun i though i looked really cute and my outfit for xmas is in this post so u get to c it. thanx hun ij ust really didnt feel like eating like i never fast on purpose i alwasy jsut like fall into it sorta

*s-meery xmas hun and thanx

12/24/10

so this is what i wore to work today



we were supppose to wear an ugly xmas sweater but id idnt have one so i went witht hat everoyone said i looked like an elf my boots ddidnt stay up so they wer like scrunched up and i also had on a santa hat
i think the otufit is very cute.

ive been really depressed lately i ate tomuch yesterday but i barely at today
c me and the boy got in a fight well not af ight i just fucked up again and im never good enough or pretty enough or just nething i will always b a failer and i will never b perfect enough for him i miss up everything every holidayjust everything i can never do nething right so whats the point in even trying nemore if no matter what its never gonna b good enough

so me equals failure not good enough not pretty enough not smart enoughim clueless and i forget things i cant do nething right so fuck me.

i went to best buy b4 work today i got him season 1 and 2 on how i meet ur mothers and the documentary life. idk if he really wants it but i asked him on wednsesday what he wanted which caused the fight he told me last week he saw a watch that he wanted but i didnt talk to hoim rest of the weeka nd iwassick i coudlnt think so i forgot to ask him waht one so when i brought it up on wednesday he got bad and he hasnt talked to me since he didnt kiss me or touch me on wednseday he didnt talk to me all day yesterday even wheni txted him and i havent heard nething form him today

c fuck up me just ruiined xmas again fuck i do it every year ugh.

i got new diet pills have u guys ever taken stacker 3 xplc. thats the ones that i got ur suppose to take 1 tablet after each meal and not go over 3 a deay i took one yesterday and one today i think it kept me up last nite i only slept like 2 hours last nite but idk if its from the pills or the fact that i was worried sick about what happened with the boy.

so i worked from 12-630 today and all i ate was 1 lolli(60) some chewy sour candy things(60) and i drank a thing of juice(130) so thats all i had today an didk if ima eat nething more tonite or not really i dont feel like it i dont deserve to eat cause im fat and gross and worthless

merry christmas everyone i hope that u are all good and i will post a pic of my xmas outfit tomm :)

__________________________________________________________
mich-thanx hun its ok they dont have to pretend to like them the one girl at work really liked them cause i bought some in and i gave her the recipe

broken-thanx hunny

needlesedge-thanx

deseperee-well i took half of them to work and the ppl ate them thnere and thanx hun

12/22/10

so gonna update now since idk if i will b able to update later tonite

first off how the fuck did i letm yself get so fat look at me im gross my stomach sticks out u cant c my hip bones were are my ribs and my abs and just ugh its time to get this weight off of me




the laxs worked really well yesterday i dont feel all gross nemore but im still far as all hell ugh
no1 liked my cookies well in my house at least i made them try them and they said they are disguisting i like them though and ima bring them to my aunts houro n xmas mayb some of my other family will like them who knows

i have to work today 12-8pm just shoot me now and im still not feeling good at all but iw ill deal with it and make it thorugh my day i hope that they dont put me on register all day again i dont like being on it all day id rather b on the floor folding and putting stuff away and then jsut a lil regsiter time not 8 hours straight u know what i mean

i just had a bowl of low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal(120 cals) and now im working on drinking a liter of water and a cup of green tea before work.
im going to bring a can of select harvest light savory chicken with veggies(180 cals) to work with me. and also some fruit as well.

im going to mayb have a lil fruit b4 i go to work as well just for i dont get dizzy again and nearly fall over.

idk what ima eat after work i think the boy is coming over so that depends on what i eat

love u all have a good day

________________________________________-
*lilah lee- i hate fractions witha passion u have no idea

claude-yay i hope that u like them

new vegan cookie recipe and lil update

so i found this cookie recipe online and i tweeked it a lil and this is what icame up with
i wanted to have cookeis for the holidays that i could eat sicne my family is big on holiday cookies so i was ona mission to make cookeis that i could have and that were low cal so here it is.
i will put the cals for every ingreident next to it for u know and u guys can tweek it to if u want u dont have to use the same nuts or fruits i used.

Ingredients
*3/4 cup dry oatmeal(used quaker oats)-225 cals
*1/4 cup dried cranberries(can use different dried fruit if u want)-98 cals
*1 cup mashed banana(turned out to b 2 bananas mashed up)- 200 cals
*1 tbsp soy milk(used unsweetened soy almond milk 35 cals a cup)- 2 cals
*1 tbsp Sugar free preserve(used polaner sugar free seedless raspberry)- 10 cals
*1/4 tsp salt- 0 cals
* 1/4 cup chopped nuts(used shelled walnuts)- 200 cals

directions
*pre heat oven to 375 degrees
*mix all the ingredients together in a bowl
*spoon onto cookie sheet
*bake 10-12 minutes

calories
*total cals for batch- 735 cals
*one batch of mix makes 24 cookies- 30.625 cals per cookie

picutres

on sheet after cooking



in container after cooled





update

sorry that i havent been updating much lately ij ust am so busy with work and then by the time i get home ijust so exhausted i cant think enough to type but i will try and update at least every other day for u guys.

im still sick i cant seem to kick this cold out of my system it settles into my chest and lungs and im not liking it much at all i still cough up a lung andmy head is all cloudy and my chest and lungs ugh dont even get started on that. i keep getting dizzy at work wven though i eat b4 hand so its prob just my sickness kicking my ass.

i had off today so i did alot of running around i relaly wanted to go to the gym but i didnt feelg ood this morning and then with all the runnign around it just didnt happen my sis cam for some of the running around. our first stop was to the car dealership cause i had to ge tmy oil changed so we had to seat there for an hour and wati for it to get done. or next stop was the one mall by the dealership my sis wanted to stop there she had to exchange something she got for her bday and the the one store had jackets on sale and mom wanted us to pcik out what we wanted to xmas the jackets were only 10 bukcs each so i got pink and she got white. we walked around once and she got hungry so i bought her a pretzel and i just go tmyself a mango smoothie.

we ten went to target were i got:
*theraflu cold and cough serve
*mucinex
*aleve
*3 different kinds caffeien free tea( green tea, tangerine orange, and peppermint)
*shampoo and conditioner

we then went to a grocery story cause i had to get osme things and the ingredients to make my cookies but i got
* 4 cans light soup( 2 cans roasted chicken w italian herbs, minestrone w hole grain pasta, and savory chicken with veggies)
*peppredige farm light bread extra fiber
*bubmle bee white albacore in water(had a sale two 4 packs for 9 bucks so got that)
*hellmans light mayonaise
*6 apples
*bag od bing cheeries
*dried cranberries
*bananas
*raspberry preserves
*quaker oats
*sugar free jello cups

then we came home and i put everything away then mom wanted to take us to kohs for she could buy us some clothes for xmas. shed rather we pick them out for she knows we like them then have her get them and not know. so i picked out a pair of candies size 0 jeans, small long sleeve shirt, 3 sweater dresses(small and xsmall some of them diddnt come in xsmall), belt, pair of black leggins and 2 pack of high socks.

when i finally got home i was home for good so i started my luandry im doing 2 load today and i made my cookies i made amess making them andmy mom and bro and sis just laughed at me im not much of a baker or cook i like to do it im just not good at it so i made a mess and i had shit everywhere kept aksing them questions and i had to keep asking my 2 ana friends to figure out the cals for me cause im horrible with fractions i can do ne other math except fucking fractions and geometry give me physics and im all good but fractions confuse the fuck out of me

so right now im just sitting here i took laxs earlier cause my sotmach is just so huge and bloated and i hate it im just waitng for them to work and i gotta clean up my room alil its a disaster area hello red cross my room needs ur help so after i fianllly get that all done ima do cruanchs cause lord knows my stoamch needs it.

well love ua ll
an di will try to get updated on all ur blogs i will try if i dont im so sorry

12/16/10

wow i try to update everyday and usally i can but it looks like recently im doing every other day orevery couple days sorry fo rthat guys life jsut sucks an dim sick and exhausted and somtiems i just cant think of what to say.

im still sick work yesterday was hard my voice was so horse and ihad to talkt he hole time cause they put me on register for my 7 hour shift well minus the 2 hours i spent in the fitting room but still had to talk there. so yeah as soon as i spoke they knew i was sick they are like u dont sound good and thenim bent over coughing up a lung and they are like no dieing on us lol

yes im one of those ppl who work no matter what i could b barely able to stand and i would still b at work cause i dont do well with sitting around dong nuttin i know i shouldnt go to work when ims ick bu tim just so use to doing it i dont even think twice about it.

so i worked 7 hours yesterday and i had off today.
i babysat today my 3 lil cousins and we areall like sick so we are all miserable i got thrown up on alot by the lillest one the middle one was just miserable the oldest wasnt relaly sick just stuffy nose but still. at one point i was laying on the couch with my cuddle bug(3 month old) sleeping on my chest and munchin(4 yr old) curle dup next to b with wibble wobble(1 yr old trying to climb up as well. had them from 10-330pm my mom and sis where there as well. we decorted the tree well tried my sis and munchin did most of it me and wibble tried to help but we didnt really help much. bu ti love them and i would do nething for them

im exhausted my neighbors are scum bags and iw anna funcking kill them my parents called the cops on them last nite they had the much blasting and they were hammering and drilling and stomping up and down the stpes at like 1am and i just coudlnt take it nemore if u wann aowrk on ur hosue fine but do it during the day not in the middle of the nite an dmy room is right my the stairs so iheard everything its a row home just in case u were wondering its us then the scum bags and then another hosue we own our house the other 2 are rented out. my mom even called the landlord on them cuase its just ridc ugh im exhausted an di acutally wanted to sleep last nite cause i felt so hoprrible now watch tonite then will b quite and my inosomnia will b a bticha nd iwont b able to sleep

food log yesterday(12/15/10) kinda messed upa lil
*oatmeal-120
*2 sugar cookes-?
*apple-60
*can chicken noodle soup-180
*20 grapes-40
*8 peanut m&m's-?
*small baked potato-100
*small chicken-100
*pringles-300(ugh)
*cup veggies-30

yeah did bad that day

food log today nto to good either
*oatmeal-120
*grapes and cherries-80
*brownies-?
*prinles-100
*lays chips-150
*2 slices light bread-90
*white albacaore tuna-60
*3 slices tomatos-?

drinks
*mug of tea
*2 liters of water

idk what i drank yesterday ir eally dont remember

i keep jumping between 105.4 lbs and 106 ugh i hate that i never should of tried to get better and gained weight those weightsw right there are nomral for me if i eat nomral well nomral as i know it my weight is between 105-110(yes im one of those annoying natural skinny ppl) so once i gain to those weights i palteua and its hard for me to lsoe again so it takes some time but once i break that platuea i wont plateau again till 100 and then hopeuflly ican get to 95 lbs thats all i want right now but i gotta stop eating so much i havent been doing good at all and i ahvent been adding up my cals either ive juts been eating which irelaly have to stop doign ugh.

and i gotta get to the gym more but its so hard witht he fact that i work between 30-40 hours a weak and im just so tired after that.
hopefully i wont eat nemore tonite god i hope not i just have to stay strong and let ana take over again get back into my strict self that i know i can b cause ive been there b4 and have stayed there for awhile

____________________________________________________________
scarlet- aw thatnx hun im glad u like it even thoughi dont think im that intereasting

hanrietta-oatmeal isnt for eveyrone

broken-yeah i knwo i shoudlnt of but i watned to thanx hun

mich-mayb i shoudl try some sudafed mayb it will work better then what im taking

claude-yeah tis hard working when u feel so bad but u do what u have to do