1/9/11

ima snap at ppl at work soon and they truth is gonna come out and then they are gonna feel bad for all their comments and jokes i just cant take ti nemore all the comments the jokes i just want them to stop i dont wanna hear it nemorei dont wanna hear how skinny i am o thas all ur eating no wonder ur so small and omg dani ur so small.

i got like idk 3 comments today one from a customer, one from cowroker and one frome on of my mangars

so first one was i was at the register like i was most of then day and the cusomter goes omg ur so skinny like shocken and my coworker goes yeah its cause she doesnt eat an dijust like shot my head up and idk if the cuspoter cuahgt on but she goes she prob just had a high metabolism.

then the last oneme an danother co worker was just joking around beingweird we were in the clearance section with 2 managers and she found a pait if xxxl running shorts and thes like omg it can fit 2 of us shes like get in so yeah we were bored she got in one short leg and i got int eh other and there was still room on my side my one manager goes omg dani ur so mcall look theres still room look how much room there is u need to eat.

i just cant take it nemore i just wanan snap and go u know what i have an eating disorder and it almost kille dme just shut up already.

nuttin much ealse happend today i worked 11-6 we got 3 more inches of snow yesterday so cleaning of my ice and snow covred car was fun cause it was windy an dit kept blowing backin my face.

i,a work out later im thinkng an hour of jogging in place is ikn need while i read my book or mayb air bike not sure which ones but def some crunches as well.

but found out the ginger ale helps settle my stomach my mom got some yesterday cause my sister was sick so i had some just like al il bit a few sips and ithelped so much so ima get me some diet ginger ale cause mom got the normal kind

got off of work tomm so its srunning around day def gym in the morning then target then 2 different grocery stores.
ima try out 2 new recipes tomm so need to go shopping to do that o and hey i updated my recipe page so yay for that

food log

brekafast
*can reducded sodium chicken noodle soup-160
*green tea-0
* 4 italin cookies-?

lunch
*sf jellp cup-10
*4 ounches carrots-40
*handufl mike and ikes-?
Iliter of water

dinner
*small bite of bronwie?
*can of bumble bee white albacore tuna-120
*9 glutten free sesemae breadsticks-60

im thinkmgn abou thaving alil bowl of cie cream then some ginger ale and then iwill def work out

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scarlet-yeah we get all 4 seasons here and january we ususally get alo tof snow ugh hate it and thanx hun

nee-thanx hun i feel hgue though and i dont c what u guys c

used for glue-thanx for that hun i really do apprecitate it ima have to talk to the boy c what he wants me to do i already knwo the answer he will want me to stop taking it so back to depression it will b hard to hit rock bottom again with it but i will survive. aww thanx hun and uw ill get there 2 u just have to stay strong if u ever wanna talk heres my email and msn danirkt@hotmail.com

bestlilskinnybitchintheworld-thanx hun i wish i could c what everyone elses sees but i cant

marsh.sarah-yeah ilove me my layers

sketletom strong-yeah ima prob have to stop taking them wich sucsk but iw illl deal i pertty much only getm y period cause of the fact im on mthe pill i doubt it woud come if ididnt take it

undesribale number one-wish i could rest but im incapable of that betweent work and the fact that my head never shuts up ugh. where do u live hun what state if u dont mind me asking

skinny_el-yeah snow fucks everything u pdoesnt it

beleive-just keep lookinga nd applyign u will find a job eventually u just cant give up

thin_envy- i love fruit and ur doing grea ton ur fast hun

sara-im tyring rust me

mich-i know weatherman r so stupid they enver know nehting they just guess an dit doesnt matter what so ever if they are wrong or right um the movie" an ex convict is just released from jail after 6 years for manslaughter he corssed paths with a lonely troubled teen and her new rid gordy pretty much just asks for a ride ha they all ehad out int eh same car she wants to cut loose and get away the driver likes her and the ex convict wants to decided whether to return to hes past or leave it behind" its really good def check it out

1/8/11

outfit that i wore last nite



i look huge as well 105.6 ugh gross fat ugh hate it but i will get it down

this is a quick psot im not feeling well at all ate tom uch with boy last nite moslty food that makes me sick and this i binged today and just feel dizzy and nasouses and tired so ugh

idid get to the gym today did 6 5mins on elly burnt 442 cals and just now i jogged in place slowly for an hour dk how mnay cals taht was im too out of it to look it up

my head is pouding once again i had a headahce all day yesterday as well ow ell

its still its been snowing all day lovley we got almsot 3 inches yesterday and now its snowing again today and we are suppose to get another storm on tuesday as well o ij ust hate winter i dont do well with the cold

i did manage to do some research it turns out the st johsn wort does decrease the effecitivness of birth ocntorl but it doesnt cnacel it out completely so ima keep taking it just cause it does help a lil

ok ima go lay down done feel well

1/6/11

so i just got down watching "the yellow handkerchief" sucha great movie i waited almost 3years for it to come outon dvd :) its an indie movie staring kristen stewart, eddie redmayne, maria bello, and willam hurt. it finally was released on dvd jan 4th and i pre ordered it on amazona nd it came today god yay it was such a good movie im so glad that i fianlly got to c it it was so worth the wait but damn 3 years i waited but yay nomore waiting and in feb "welcome to the rileys" is coming out on dvd as well i preordered that one if neway hasnt noticed im a big kristen stewart fan ive liked her for years i have all her movies well almost all theres still some i need the harder ones to get but iw ill get them im deteremiend.

we had my 3 lil munchines today :) i coudlnt spend the hole day with them cause i had to work at 12 but i had them for a good 2 and half horus they make me so happy u have no idea the littlest one is msiling now and it just birghtens up my day i spent most of my time with him but also played with the other ones too. P did my makeup so i went to work with glitter on my face ha she got a lil barbie makeup case for xmas she bought it with er today and then i had a tickle fight with B. it was a good moring i love them somuch. i bought them stuff at work today i just coudlnt resist all the cute lil clothes. got P a blue plaid long sleeve dress with black tights, B got 2 shirts one is oragne has headphones on it other is like an animal shirt then i got the lil guy 2 onsies with cute pics of animals on them.

work was tiring as alwasy and boring its really slow now so time jsut drags but imnot runnign around like crazy i walk slower and everything but i still get really tired. no passing out today though but i did get really depressed at one [point realized i forgot to take my st johsn wort b4 i went in somymood like dropped. but work was boring and tireing but good i work tomm as well 11-7. today i got out 30 minutes early cause it was so slow buti bought my self 2 shirts off the clearance rack they will b big since they are smalls but hey bigger clothes smaller i look so win win.

the st johns wort does acutally work its like not a big difference but i can tell when imiss a dose how my mood is ur suppose to take 3 a day and i always take my moring and nite one but i have a habit of forgetting my middle of the day one an dmymood just drops so much i gotta stop forgetting the 2nd dose.

i fianlly folded my laundry i washed it like waht 2 days ago and its been sitting in the basket but yeah i folded it this moring b4 work and after work i cleaned my room up a lil for it wasnt so trashed.

my kindle stuff came from amazon as well got my lil carrying case and my gel skin i still gotta put the gel skin on but i got it yay me :)

so my exercsie for the day is 5 horus at work then i hour jogging in place while watching the movie i was gonna jog in place for the hoel movie but i just got to tired and weak and mu legs and back really started to hurt and so did my chest so i stopped. when i jog in place i usally keep my feet on teh ground and just move my legs really fast it doesnt make noise and u still get a good workotu.

its susppose to snow tonite or tomm no1 knows adn no1 knows how much we are suppose to get gotta love weather ppl they get paid to be wrong lol but i have off of wrok sat so if the weather isnt bad im thinkgin about ging to the gym and the grocery store wanna make a vegan dessert just gotta decide what one.

food log

breakfast
*mug peppermint tea-0
*water-0
*cup of veggie soup-45
*cup of chicken broth-10
*1 grands biscuit-180 ?

lunch
*2 ounces carrots- 20
*cup of veggie chicken broth-15
*handful skittles-?
*water

dinner
*handful tositos-?
*sandwhich- 2 slices gluten free bread(180), 6 slices reduced sodium turkey(60), 2 stacker garlic pickles(0), spicy brown mustard(0), 2 slices tomato(5), slice of lettuce(2)
*mug of green tea
*water

snack
*banana-90

exercise
*hour jogging in palce-384 cals burned
*5 hours walking at work(retail work u know)-720 cals burned

i got those numbers from caloriesperhour.com

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*bestskinnybitchinworld-thanx huni was glad i didnt either

*lov2laff-nopeno doc i hate doctors and ihave no insurance so i cant got even if i wanted 2

*skeletonstrong-well i love reaidng ur blogs so of cours ei comment :) c its hard fro me i have been underweight my howl life highest was 115 and that was cause i started birth control i usually keep myself under 105 and the docs think its all nomral cause ive alwasy been like that. im working on my depression but i wihave a werid relationship with food always have and even atmy low weights it was never enough. u know what i mean but htanx hunny

*undesirablenumber1-yeah i dont mind the passing out part either its the feeling b4 hand that i fucking hate

1/5/11

ok i guess its time to b honest and tell everyone how sick ir ly am i guess how this disease fucks u up how my body is slowly failing me and im dieng but i cant do enthing about it so i hope the truth doesnt scare u but i hope its mkaes some ppl(wannas) turn away from thinking its cool to have ane d that is doesnt cause consequences cause really it does so list time

*i cant eat nething with out being in pain like literally evetyeim i eat nething i get massive pain in my stomach
*stomach acid is constanly coming up even when i dont eatjust drink something hi there acid
*im constanly tired no matter what i could sleep or not sleep it doesnt matter
*constan pain everday second of every day there is osme part of my body that hurts
*cant focus or concntrate i zone out constantly all thet iem even when im driving
*have chest pains daily usually wake up with them they are so bad that they wake me up
*have trouble breathing most days even worse when i work out my lungs dont like me
*my heart can go from 60 bpm to over 200 in the matter of seconds
*always cold
*headaches on a daily basis
*massive side pains and stomach pains they dont happenmuch nemore but when they doi feel lik eim being stabbed and i double over in pain
*i black out alot i will like lose seconds sometimes minutes of my day and idk what happens
*depressin enough said there
*random bouts of my sotmach nothandling food and it throws it up on its own accord with no help from me


um thers more i just cant think
o and i almost passed out today i was between the standing blacking out and nearly falling phase love it. i was at work of course cause hats were most bad things happen butits a good thing i wasnt odign nething iwas just standing there leaning against a rack talking to a manager and 2 other girls that work there and i got really hot like sweating an dmy heart starting beating of my chest was having a lil toruble breathing my eyes starte to roll back(i kept my self conscious though im gooa at keeping myself standing) this happend with anhour left of work so i had to try and not freak out that hole time causei freak out alot, i hate that feeeling though the in between were u dotn know if ur acutally gonna pass out or not ugh hate it but hats a part of this disease

i worked 7 hours today and 6and half of those were spent stanidng on my feet the halfhorui wasnt was my break an di went and sat in the break room tomm i work 6 hours and friday i work 8 hours love it

iima start planning out my food the day b4 and then sticking to it asmuch as i can i tend to make lil changes to it whent he day comes dpeenidn on how im feeling but molsy i stick to it

food log for today

breakfast
*few spoons ice crean
*cup chicken broth-10
*cup of veggie soup-45
*,ug of green tea
*bottle of water

snack
*20 cherris-80

lunch at work
*2 ounces carrots
*handful skittles
*handful mike and ikes

dinner
*reducded sodium chicken noodle soup-160
*liter of water
*bowl of tositos

ima work out soon prob do air bike and curnches i just wanted to relax alil getmy heart back to normal b4 i work out

soplan for tomm
b-cup of veggie soup(45), cup chicken broth(10) tea and water
s-banana
l-2 ounches of carrots cup of veggie broth
d-um some kind fo soup nt usre what kind of a turky shandwhcin cant decide

ahve my cousins tomm but i only get to c them a lil in th emoring b4 i go to work buti cant wait to c my 3 lil munchins love them so much

my head has been yelling at me alot lately and for the first time i carve da word into i usually just cut lines i never did a word but i did yesterday and surprislnlgy it wasnt a bad wor i did "forza" on my left inner wrist forza means "strength" in italian its not deep and will prob heal witho ut ne visible scar but im temtped to reopen it an dmake it a visival scar

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gem-thanx hunny

scarlet-the thing is and dont take this the wrong way but this sint a diet im not on a diet i have a disease and ive had this disease for along time i wish it was just as easy as a diet but life fuckign sucks and its not

undesribale number 1- ima have to get that book and trust me if i could get an ekg i would buti have no health insurance an di work in retail not realy swimming in cash

sarah and needlesedge- thanx both of u

1/4/11

ugh god im such a fat ass failure of a fat gross slob ugh im never gonna get skinny if i keep eating like a fucking whale the food just makes me sick im constnaly nasouses and dizzy then add in the chest pains and the headaches idk wtf is wrong iwht me but ugh

im slrsy getting my fat ass back on track tomm nomatter waht i have to im not gonna b fat for my bday on the 18th so its lose weight time

ive been up since 5am cause of my chest pains fucked up 2 times already today once was at breakfast had 4 italain cookies half a bowl of oatmeal and some ice cream

then second fuck up was 2 italian cookies 1 choc chip cookie and a sandwhich(3 slices gluten free bread 7 slices turkey lunchmeat and 2 pickles)

none fuck ups banana, cup of my veggie soup, and green tea, and a few pickles

i dont even wanna think about how many cals i ate today ugh fat ass gross ass mother fucker ugh fucking hate my fat ass self ugh

i did get to the gym at least i did 35 mins on the bike and 35 mins on elly according to heart rate monitor 676 cals burnt but still ugh all the fucking food i ate today ugh fat

i went to the grocery store today 2 get me some food that hopeiflly i wont binge on got
*carrots
*celery
*bananas
*gluten free bread
*reduced sodium turely lunchmeat
*pickles
*brown spicy mustard
*3 cans reduced sodium chciken noodle soup
*2 boxs cup of soup veggie

i also went to the mall with my sis well not the mall by me the one that is 20 mins away and has a barnes and noble were i got




its a vegan cookbook and the next book in the house of night series

ok im off to feel even more fat and sorry for myself my head is fucking pounding ugh

thinspo

do u ever wish while ur searching for thinspo that uw ill c ur self among it i always do but of course im too fat to b considered thinspo

not feeling goof at the moment so here is a thinspo post hope u like i will try and do a real update later


















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*undesirable number 1-thanx hun

*S- they are good surprisnly

*skinnypeach-im following ur blog now

*broken-hate intesintal issues they are so painful

*desepree-i cant eat tofu i get really sick and my heart starts beating so fast that i think im having a heart attack and then i throw up so yeah no tofu for me

1/2/11

first off HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone i didnt post yesterday so i had to say that first

second its only gonna b a short post im not feeling really well ive been in pain since yesterday my stomach my sides just ugh i hate this but its my own fault last nite hate grease today ate grease im not suppose to b eatng grease, or dairy, or glutton, or extra fiber nething basically there arent many things i can eat which is a good thing cause i will lose weight but ppl make me eat it and then im in massive pain gotta love stomach intestine issues but neway im in pain an dall i wanna do is lay down and watch tv so thats what ima do.

did get tot eh gym this moring though did 65 min on elly :) the machine said i burnt 475 cals but my heart monitor said 654 so im going with the heart monitor on that one.

id idnt do nehting for new years i worked til 630 came hole ate alil then slept cause ididn tgeel good the boy came over around 1am and stayed til 8am he went out for a lil i cant deal with crowds so he went out with hes friends for alil then came over.

had to go to my nanos house yesterday but i did good eating there sicne they knowmys tomach i had 2 small bowls of salad and a lil of my vegan mac and cheese the boy wanted to go out to eat later and ive been in pain since ugh i cant chicken tenders and fries cause everything esle has rice with it that was grilled and sincei got sick on rice and pringles the other day i cant eat it nemore.

but ne way here are the recipes i made the other day sorry no pictures but here they are and one of this days i will update my recipe page.

ALmost vegan chicken and veggie soup:
*its not quite vegan cause i coudlnt find sodium free veggie builion so i had to use sodium free chicken buillion

Ingredients
*6 cups water
*1.5 cups hunts diced no salt added diced tomatos basil garlic and oregano( the can acutally had those in it)
*1.5 cups del monte no salt added cut green beans canned and drained
*1.5 cups del monte mixed veggies no salt added canned and drained
*4 cubes or packets of herbox sodium free chicken buillion
*packages of Quorn meatless soy free naked chick n cutlets(comes frozen 4 pack


cals on each ingredient
* water-0
* hunts diced tomatos-87.5
*del monte green beans-50
*del monte mixed veggies- 100
*4 packettes buillion-40
*Quorn meatless chicken- 320


total cals in recipe 597.5


directions

*boil chickeni n 6 cups of boiling water til done
*take chicken out and cut into bite size pieces
*put back into water
*open and drain green beasn and mixed veggies measure and all to chicken and water
*open canned tomatoes dont drain measure add to pot
*then add 4 packettes of buillion
*cook til done(soprry dont know exact time ijust let it cook and stir it occasionally til it felt hot enough
*the recipe says 12 servings i dint acutally measure it but it took up 2 big containers that i use fo rmy other 12 serving recipe

so i figured a serving is one cup cause thats how soup normally is so 12 servings at 1 cup each = 50 cals per serving well exaclty 49.791667

i havent tried it yet cause i was sick wehn i was making it but ima try it soon i beat its good though i like everything that is in it


Vegan Mac and Cheese
this is acutrally really good i have had it and it doesnt hur tmy stomach the cals are alil higher then i expected but i have to use glutton free rice pasta so

Ingredients
*1 cup soy unsweetned almond milk
*4 oz galaxy vegan shreds mozzarella flavor
*1/2 lb pasta- tinkyada brown rice pasta penne
*5/8 tsp salt

Cals in each ingredient
*soy almond milk-35
*veggie shreds- 140
*pasta-840
salt-0

totals cals= 1015

Directions
Cook and drain pasta according to to the instructions on box. Preheat oven @ 450 F. Combine milk and salt in a small sauce pan and heat at medium. Bring to a boil, make sure you watch it because it reacts just like regular milk!! Once it is boiling, put heat on low and stir in cheese until melted.
Place pasta in a casserole dish and pour the cheese over and stir till all the noodles are covered. Place in oven for 10-12 minutes.

makes 4 servings. 1 serving= 253 cals

so there u have it my 2 recipes now its time to aly down and watch tv and relax the plan for tomm is to go to gym early and then spend all day in bed watching pretty little liars marathon then watching the new episode at 8 u gave off til wednesday so yaya

o and heres a pic of my outfit that i wore yesterday dont mind the fatness ugh still 104 lbs



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bree-hey hun i will def have to check out ur blog

pixie-yeah i got tired of lieing to hima ll the time so we talk about my ed now ilove cherries as well i hope that u can find some soon

thin_envy-o im sorry that ur sicka s welll thats not fun

nee-we are the same hieght really :) im not that tiny trust me