This is me

CW- 95-97
BMI- ?
HW-115 lbs
LW-94 lbs july 09 and then in the 80's(about 4 years ago)
GW-90-95 lbs

measurments( will update these when i can)

so i wrote this awhile ago. i changed a lil to make more sense like my weight and stuff but most of it has stayed the same. its pretty much my story:(udpated 2/9/11)

Hey everyone I’m dani I’m 26. Sometimes I feel like I was just born like this that no matter what I did I would end up with an eating disorder neway. Well c I was born 3 months early and only weighed 1 lb 13 oz I was in the hospital for I think 4 months until I weighed enough to come home and then I was still small and tiny. My parents say that I was smaller than a loaf of bread.

I have always had food and body issues I did gymnastics for 8 years and cheering for 5 years so I guess that contributed to it a lil but I knew that it wasn’t the whole reason. I didn’t hit 100 lbs until I got to high school and I hated it so much I didn’t want to weight 100 lbs so I started cutting foods out and I wouldn’t eat certain foods I was always a weird eater so my friends never really thought nothing about it. The highest my weight as ever been was 115 and that’s when I started my birth control for the first time. My docs are completely clueless then think that I’m just naturally small and they don’t say anything as long as the scale stays above 100 lbs so I’m really good at tricking the scale u could say
My lowest weight was 80 lbs and that was about 5 years ago me and the boyfriend were fighting a lot and I dealt with it by turning to ana again so I would run 8 miles a day, jump robe, and do crunches, pushups and leg exercises. I would have to do the same exercises everyday or I would go nuts. I was only eating one meal a day and I was dependant on alcohol. Finally the boy decided to step in he didn’t know about my ana then he just knew I had food issues. Well he stepped in and made me eat and slow down on my exercise and I got up to 110 lbs I even semi recovered for like 3 years but not fully because I never ate normal and I never finished what I had on my plate.

I relapsed again last year(well its been year and half now) I really don’t know what caused my relapse but I remember it started Jan of 09 I just started out by restricting. By the time the summer came I was barely eating and I was so weak but I didn’t care I was lowering weight and I was semi happy. I would go for long walks like 2-3 hours no matter how tired I was I would force myself to do it. In July I think it was July well I got really bad I decided to fast usually I would only fast for a day or 2 nuttin major well I fasted for 7 days and the last 3 days I stopped drinking as well. Well needless to say the boyfriend then found out how serious my eating issues were he almost took me to the hospital but I begged him not to and he decided to just help me himself. I was down to 94 lbs and I loved it. But then the force feeding began and I got up to 97 lbs which still was pretty good and I maintained that for awhile. But then mia decided to join the picture and I was binging and purging a lot I didn’t start gaining weight right away I didn’t gain weight till like October.

But now I’m at im between 102-103 lbs. The boyfriend wanted to go gain to 110. We just recently made a deal cause I told him I wasn’t happy with my weight, he said that I could get down to 103 but no lower. Yeah right I’m so going to go lower I need to go lower and c double digits again. The boyfiend thinks that just cause I’m eating that I’m fine but in all honesty I’m not I will never ever be fine never and he needs to realize that. I kind of just want to get so sick and so small that he finally realizes that I am sick that I do have a problem and that I will always have a problem. He’s strating to realize that im not fine at all he now knows about my depression and anxiety as well as my ed. I’m trying to gethelp buti ts just not working out. I wont go into IP like some thearpist want so they wont help. One is willing to help but im on a waiting list til prob November.

I'm also an over exercise I have to do some kind of exercise everyday or I go abs nuts like my head just can’t take it exercise is my escape it helps me clear my head for a lil bit I got some many voices in there that sometimes it’s just nice for them to shut up for a lil. Lately I’ve been doing the elly at the gym usually for about 65 min and I only do it on level 5 because I can’t go to fast or to hard on it because I don’t want to injury my leg again. I also do the bike some days while I’m there I always do a 6 5min workout on whatever cardio machine I decide to use on that day. I try and do crunches everynite but sometimes that doesn’t work out but I try at least.

I'm also a self harmer have been for over a year now well I've also hurt myself in some way or another for my whole life but the cutting started over a year ago and I have tried to stop it but I just can’t the longest I ever stopped the cutting was for a month and then I broke down and cut so much it was insane. I don’t think that I will b able to stop netime soon but I know I need to stop because the cuts are getting deep and I don’t need to end up with stitches again
well that’s my story well most of my story at least I’m sure I forgot something. I hope that u all enjoyed it

Stay strong everyone loves u all

update 2/9/11

I haven't cut since july of 2011 and no before u ask i didnt do it on my own free will. i got busted by my boyfriend big time u have no idea how hard it is to sit there and explain to the love of ur life y u do it and how it makes u feel. it was one of the hardest conversations i have ever had but instead of walking away like he was going to he stuck by me cause in hes word " he said that if something happened to me then he would feel responasible cause he wasnt there for me" so he stayed with me and trust me it hasnt been easy on us at all. that night he made me throw out my razors, diet pills, scale and tape measure. now i was addicted to diet pills i wasin so much pain after that for awhile but i had any since then and trust me i still want them it takes so much self control to not buy them again. i do still have 2 razors that i found while i was cleaning my room one day i have them hidden again its a test to prove that im really am stronger. the urges are still there and yes they are really really bad at times andi do tell him that. he told me thati cant think or talk like that that ive been doing better lately and ihave to b stronger.

since i last updated this i have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression. IBS. fibroymalia, gerd and esophagustis. my stomach is still a mess and my throat is getting worse. i lose my voice about once a month i haven purged in a month and im trying to not do that alot at all cause of the state of my throat its geting worse and i dont want it to get any worse.

i am trying to get better but it hasnt been going thru well my weight is between 95-97 lbs the boy wants me at 110 but idk ifi will ever get there

1 comment:

  1. you have been through soo much...i like this post, its just letting us know who you are. it gives us an insight.
    stay strong sweetie.