Thursday, December 31, 2009


holy fuck its been while since i updated sorry about that but my boss has been makinme ea cookies and choc and i feel like a fucking failure and to top it all off the boyfriend has noticed that ive been restricitng alot again. he was on my case for while and he thought i was doing better so he backed off but now he realized that i was restricting and is now bakc on my case ugh fuck me. he noticed cause i was getting really bad stomach aches again when ever he made me eat cause my boyd wasnt use to that amount of ood of curse he noticed on xmas eve srsly we can never have a nice holiday together cause i always fuck it up ugh wtf so hes beenmaking me eat but lettin gme pick out what i want to thats a good thing :)

tuesday nite i had a veggie sandwhich (280) and grapes(60) with him he made me stop somewhere and buy it ugh

yeaterday i had hot choc(25) and dry cereal(125) and then he said i had to have dinner b4 i picked him up so i had a salad(60) and a non fat yogurt(60)

today i was gonna go to the gym and work out for ahwile since i acutally dot have to go to work for oncein my life i went downstairs to leave and its fucing snowing so that fucked up my plans up. s i drank a slim fast shake in choc (190) an di guess today is going to b a crunches cleaning room not eatingmuch day

i will prob stay in for new years the boy might go out but if he wants to go out he can im not muchinto parting nemore id rather stay home and read and watch movies i wish he would stay home with me but i cant force him

well stay strong everyone and have a happy new years

Monday, December 21, 2009


ok so today wasnt the best eating day and i have no idea how many cals i ate today ugh i suck. my sis's bday was over the wkd they had a party at my aunts house and i couldnt go cause of work and then it snowed a fuck of a lot well tey end up staying over and bought the rest of the cake home with them. so today i had 2 pieces of cake, 3 small xmas cookies, triscuits, 2 grapes, cup of popcorn, 2 snack size candy bars, green beans, and a non fat yogurt. i knw i suck horrible and my acid relfexs is killing me at the moment ugh i hate it if i knew it was gonna comei would o fnever stopped purging goi really suck

i did get some good exercise in though at least thats something
65 mins bike- 416
35 mins elly- 281
over 10,000 steps taken- 278

so thats something but god i really gotta start doing better i keep playing musical eating disorders its like my head and body just cant stay with one nope its gotta have ana mia bingy its like really ugh and it jumps around i never know what one im gonna have on ne given day

Saturday, December 19, 2009

recent pics of me

heres 4 pics that i took of myself this morning. i know im fat and gross but i will get the weight off. i have 2 of my back and 2 of my side/ stomach

oo and i gave in to the urge to purge i feel so much better trying not to purge for 3 weeks was hell

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


wow look who hasnt updated in awhile my bad sorry but ive been on my period an dive been eating more then i want cause im a fat fuckng failure but ive had enough of being fat. so ive decided im not gong over 600 cals nemore nope 600 cals a day thats it nuttin more but less is great :). the only excpetiong is that every friday the boyfriend takes me out for a high cal meal its hes way of making sure im eating and not dieing agaon so that day will b a lil high. i try to get healthy grilled chicken with veggies and salad but he usually makes me eat like cheese fries or something greasy an high cal and gross and it makes me wanna puke

*6 tablespoons egg whites- 50 cals
*apple w/cinnamon- 25 cals
* 1 choc chip cookie- 50 cals

*triscuits- 200 cals

*salad(lettuce, tomato, kosher pickles, wine vingar)- 60 cals

after work snack(having now)
* hot choc- 25 cals
* jello- 40 cals( idk if im acutally gonna have the full 40 cals but im adding it in as ifi am just in case)

* 3 bottles of water- 0 cals
* 2 cups yogi green tea blueberry slim life- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 450

* 65 min bike- 400 cals burned
* 45 min elly- 350 cals burned
* 8,704 steps taken- 227 cals burned

total cals burned- 977

well ima finsh my snack then read and do crunches stay strong everyone

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


hey guys so this is just gonna b a rant cause im pissed the fuck off and i just need to vent to get it off my fucking chest ugh

ok here it goes so i have this ana friend, im not gonna mention names, but neway i met this friend on pt and we really hit it off we even exchanged numbers and we use to txt all the time. and i mean all the time everyday all day so that was fine for a while. and then a few months ago she decided that she wanted to recover and i supported her i told her it would b hard but i would support her no matter what but i always told her that if would prob b better if she didnt talk to me cause i wasnt gonna recover and i didnt wanna hinder hers. but she decided that she still wanted to talk to me and still b friends so i was like ok and that was going well for while but then she was getting all pissy and bossy saying that i should recover that icant do it that i just wasnt trying hard enough. i told her that i had no intention what so ever to recover netime soon ana is m life and will always b my life. well then she goes well im dont with this fucking selfish lifestyle dont talk to me ever again. so im like fine good luck and i let it go at that. well we didnt alk for mayb a month or so idk im just gueesin here but she txted me said that she was relasping well i wasnt having ne of that so i told her off cause theres no way she was gonna fucking talk to me like that and get away wit me so she didnt relapse but then she txted me a few weeks that and said that she was sorry and she didnt wanna get better nemore so i took her back and we went back to the way we use to b talking all the time but things were still weird so then i wasnt here from here for awhile and she wasnt answeing my txts i txted her on thanksgiving and nuttin so i txted her 2 days later and her sis answered saying what she died 2 days ago that her haeart exploded. i was fucking devasted and then i was thinking wait things dont add up cause she was on pt the day b4 and the mutal friend of ours said she was on facebook well long story short i found out last nite that she really isnt dead that she faked the hole fucking thing. needless to say im fucking pissed off how selfish can u fucking me to fake ur own death like really are u that much of a fucking attention whore that u need to fake ur own death to feel better about urself im fuckng down with her im down i cant fucking deal it fucking ridc so i ended up having mini binge last nite cause i was pissed but the plan was to go to the gym thismorning and work it off but the fucking weather had different opinion and it snowed an di couldnt go but i had so much built up frustration that need out. so i ended cutting yes i self harm and no i dont plan on stopping so dont tell me its bad i know that but i like the release so im not gonna stop but neway i cut my arms sat so i coudlnt do it there again cause there werent healed yet so i decided to do my ribs i felt so better after. the hurt now cause everytime i move it pulls at the cuts but it was worth it

well thanks for listening to my rant and sorry it was long and i swear alot dont mean to offend neone but i needed to get that out ugh srslywouldnt u guys b pissed as all fuck as well

well tomm im planning on a gym visit i need a work out and im on my period which sucks so i feel even more fat then normal ugh

ima go do crunches and watch tv love u all and thanx for listening

Monday, December 7, 2009


special k choc delight cereal- 160 cals
apple wit cinnamon- 30 cals

green beans- 60 cals
dry cereal- 60 cals

chicken noodle soup- 200 cals

after work snack(gonna eat it soon)
speical k choc delight cereal- 160 cals

3 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 670

40 min elly- 303 cals burned
65 min bike- 410 cals burned
8,428 steps taken- 212 cals burned

total cals burned- 925

so im trying my hardest to b 100 lbs by xmas im 106 now yeah i know i gained alot and i suck u can tell me i suck i went form 94 lbs over the summer to 106 lbs now ew gross ugh so i need to get back to 100 lbs by xmas at least only downfall is that i get my period this week so i gotta try my heardest not to give in to my cravings i cant get fatter i gotta get smaller

well im off to finish watching one tree hill love that show, then i gotta look up blue ray players cause thats what the boy wants for xmas and i know nutting about them so research and then finally crunches lots of crunches

Thursday, December 3, 2009


special k vanilla almond- 15o cals
cake- 100 cals

green beans- 60 cals
cantalope- 50 cals

cup of popcorn- 25 cals

salad- 80 cals( i didnt eat it all but id rather over estimate then under estiamte)
banana- 75 cals
6 grapes- 24 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 534

8,421 steps taken- 212 cals burned
35 min elly- 270 cals burned
65 min tready- 491 cals burned

total cals burned- 973

i also had to carry around my bosses 52 lb dughter for like 20 minutes cause she was being clingy and wouldnt let me put her down im sure i will have bruises on my stomach and hip bones form her damn squirmy lil 7 year old ugh

well i gotta paint my nails to hide that they are really discolored then its crunches time

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


as i set here ruining my nice 220 cal day by eating cake and ben and jerrys froyo half baked i realize that im a fucking fat ass mother fucking failure and thats just not aceptable i cant keep on this cycle of binge/purge/starve/eat normal repeat i cant keep doing that i just gotta starve from now on i gotta get this weight off this is fucking ridc i hate it im up to fucking 108 lbs ew thats just gross thats 2 lbs away from my starting weight. god i went from 94 lbs over the summer to 108 lbs now that just unnacceptable damn force feeding which led to me binging. so this is the end of it after this binge i am done binging i need the weight off. im tired of ppl telling me that i look better now healthier not sick nemore truth i wanna look sick i wana b skin and bones i want my hip bones to stick out so much i need my ribs out more i wanna c every bone in my back thats what i want and thats what ima get.

so new plan starting tomm its a bowl of special k cereal fro breakfast another bowl for lunch then dinner is salad with either a bowl of fruit, veggies or soup i might change the plan a lil cause i get bored easily lol but thats the jist of it i need to get out of the triple digits by xmas then hopefully between 90-95 lbs by my bday in january

today was going good til now i had

1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals
vanilla yogurt- 60 cals

9 tablespoons egg beaters egg whites- 75 cals
1 peice whole wheat toast- 45 cals
12 grapes- 48 cals

at the gym i did the treadmill and burned 511 cals ive also taken 9,500 steps and burned 246 cals

today would of been a very good day if i didnt ruin it right now ugh god i hate myself i just wana cut so bad i wanna c the blood i want to let the badness out but sadly i cant cause i gotta lifeguard on sat and the cuts wouldn't b healed my then ugh

oooo a good note i get to c my 3 yr old and 3 month old cousin tomm they brighten up my day im so happy andi cant wait to c them

well girlies ima finsih this food then do crunches all nite till i get to tired and sleep

Monday, November 30, 2009


small apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
1/2 cup blueberries-40 cals
brownie-80 cals
i got a bad nose bleed after the brownie so im guessing ana wasnt to happy with me that was my 5th nose bleed in 4 days its insane and driving me nuts i hate it

small apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
chicken noodle soup- 150 cals

salad(lettuce, cucumber, hot peppers, tomates, 2 pickles, wine vingar)- 80 cals
cup of popcorn- 25 cals

after work snack
bowl of frosted flakes- 150 cals

3 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 575

65 minutes hill work out walking on treadmill- 494 cals burned
7,596 steps taken- 191 cals burned

total cals burned- 685

im dong laundry so im running up and down the steps so that will b some extra cals and i also have to do my crunches yet today so thats even more. im rereading wintergirls for like the 7th time i love that book and ive decided if lia can b that strong and get doen 2 89 lbs( thats were i am in the book now) then i can too so thats it time to get serious and get this fucking weight off already

so i work at a tanning salon/ dive shop/ aquatic center. i practically run the tan side and i do the dive side when the boss is away im also a lifegaurd on the pool side. i life guard pool parties and i have done swim lessons in the past. so me and my coworker are cleaning up after the party the second one that weekend and we are talking ( she knows about my ed) and she tells me that the parents at bday parties and swim lessons ask her if im ok shes like they go "does she eat shes so small are u sure shes ok ur sure she eats" my coworker goes "yes of course she eats she eats all the time trust me she has a healthy appetite" i love my coworker she so saved me there i just hate how ppl automatucally assume that us anas dont eat we eat we just dont eat normal we eat enough to survive and thats it ugh and then we are carrying chairs we are still in are bathing suits with sweat pants over top and she goes aww look ur lil spine is stikcing out thats so cute

so i love her to death she is a great coworker and i can talk to her about nething she use to b bulimic so she understands shes not mia nemore but at least she understands can talk to her i told her i do make myself throw up i never told her that b4 but she understood and id judge me i havent told her about the cutting though she has asked about all the scars i just make up excuses cause i doubt that she will excpet that as easy as the other things

well girlies i have to finish laundry and so crunches and read more of wintergirls stay strong love u all :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


hey guys sorry that i havent posted much lately ive been extremely busy. i work an insane amout and by the time i get hom at the endof the day im just too exhausted to even go online so i usually just lay on my bed till ipass out and then sleep for a lil its not like i ever acutally sleep thru the nite though so im just still exhausted the next day but hey what u gonna do about that

im getting myself back on track cause im disguuisted with myself and how much i have been eating lately so im determined to porve to myself and ana that im worthy of here and that i can do this. every time i eat my heart goes insane it starts beating fast well fast for me at least and then i get extremly tired and all i wanna do is lay there but i gotta stay strong and work out more

yesterday i didnt eat all day til dinner i got a salad with lettuce, pickles, cucmbers, hor peppers, and a lil grilled chicken ima say it was around 200 cals then i had a bagel 260 cals i cleaned my room for and hour and of course the junk food eater in me watned ice cream 140 to total yesterday i had 600 cals

today i had a bow of cheerios 140 cals this moring for breakfast and 3 homemade choc chip cookies i was home by myself so i worked out a lil i did 200 jumping jack, ran up and down the steps 20 times and did 50 crunches. i have to go run around now and get all the shit i have to get down today b4 work

stay strong girlies love u all

Monday, November 16, 2009


1/2 grapefruit- 30 cals
small apple w/ caramel- 60 cals
candy corn- 80 cals

salad(lettuce, tomato,pickles, balsamic vingar)- 60 cals
vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
1 melba toast cracker- 10 cals

salad(same as dinner)-60 cals
small apple- 25 cals
5 melba toasts crackers- 50 cals

5 bottles of water- o cals
hot choc- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 480

65 minuts on elly- 508 cals burned
7,926 steps taken- 200 cals burned

total cals burned- 708

Friday, November 13, 2009


well look who it is yup its me i know wow its been what over a week since i updated i apoligze ive just well been eating way to much and i felt ashamed and didnt even wanna write it down. i feel like im losing ana and i dont want that she cant leave me know shes been with me to long to just up and walk out like really y would she do that. but i had a majr mental breakdown today which resulted in me taking way to many pills how many i coudln't tell ya didnt count lol but i took biotin, b12 and green tea w/hoodia i jsut wanted to get high and pass out and escape my world for a while but as u can c since im typing now that that didnt happen my head isnt even cloudy ijust wish i could b happy i wish i could trust myself and other ppl but i cant i cant trust ne1 myself included. everything is just like spiraling out of contorl and i hate iti want control i need control. well i guess im stil having a break down ha o well after this lets hope i get soem fuckng control back and get skinny and perfect. ive gained weight im now up t0 103 which is just unacceptable in my world i need to get back down.

well i purged last nite ive been trying not to purge but i gave in and it felt so good to get it out i love the release u get from it its almost as good as cutting. speaking of cutting did that last week and the cuts are still all red they need to heal by next weekend i gotta lifeguard which means a bathing suit which means my arms will b out and they need to b healed for i dont scare the kids or parents or my boss if they are healed no1 will say nething

and to top it all off i gotmy mom yelling at me telling me to get some fucking control and to stop eating so much cause im fat thanx mom

well i think im done ranting now

Thursday, November 5, 2009


1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals

salad(lettuce, tomato, 0 cal pickles, balasmic vingar)- 55 cals
jelly beans- 75 cals

vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
1 1/2 cup broccolli- 60 cals

after work snack (gonna make it when im done typing thing)
hot choc- 25 cals
jello- 20 cals

total cals consumed- 355

65 minutes walking on treadmill hill workout- 349 cals burned
6,274 steps taken- 159 cals burned

total cals burned- 508

so i had an ana moment today at work it was bad i havent had one of those in awhile. well i was ringing some 1 up and i got extremly hot, my heart started pounding out of my chest, i couldnt concentrate at all, the room started spinning, and i got so weak. i managed to not pass out i grabbed my yogurt b4 that happened and ate it slowly. but i have no idea how i manged to walk across the hole store store to the fridge to get it. i was so out of it but i cant pass out at work that wouldnt b good.

well ima have my snack then do crunches

Wednesday, November 4, 2009



apple w/cinnamon- 25 cals
orange- 70 cals
jello- 20 cals

2 cups green beans- 90 cals
vanilla yogurt- 80 cals

2 bottles of water- 0 cals
1 diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals
hot choc (making now)- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 310 cals

60 min walking on treadmill- 285 cals burned
7,001 steps taken- 180 cals burned

total cals burned- 465 cals

so i had a doc appt today to get my blood test results for my cholestrol and it ended up that my cholestrol and blood pressure were even higher then last time. so my doc put on a low sodium low cholestrol low fat diet. hes clueless he doesnt know about my ana i hide t every well and im very good at tricking the scale. so now that im on this diet theres alot of foods that i cant eat yay lol the force feeding wont me as bad then cause i cant eat nemore fast food thank god i hate fast food it just is so greasy and way to high cal ew ugh

off to finish my hot choc then do crunches :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
apple-25 cals

rice cake- 35 cals
lemon jello- 40 cals

dinner (had a semi normal dinner)
piece of chicken- 100 cals
potateo-110 cals
cup of green beans- 50 cals

5 bottles of water-0 cals
diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 440

6,550 steps- 162 cals burned

total cals bunred- 162

i still cant work out yet which sucks ima try and do tons and tons of crunches tonite though

Monday, November 2, 2009


i know i suck at updating lately sorry lol i just suck no exuses i just suck and i get busy and i forget but neway

jello- 20 cals
orange- 70 cals

pickle spear- 5 cals
2 bubillion cubes- 10 cals
2 small apples cut up w/ cinnamon- 50 cals

salad- 50 cals
yogurt- 80 cals
1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
diet snapple plum-a-granate tea- 10 cals
1 cup coffee- 0 cals
diet coke- 0 cals
hot choc- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 360

5,930 steps taken- 149 cals

total cals burned- 149

so im not allowed to go to the gym this week my mom wont let me. i woke up friday have the worst pain in my side ever like bad it hurt to walk it lasted all day friday and sat. i finally called my uncle hes a parademic he said i prob just pulled a muslce that if it was my appendix id b doubled over in pain. well the constan pain has gone away thank god but i still get shaps pains in my side and in my stomach thru out the day ugh this just blows

i did do crunches early at least

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


yeah so ive beens ucking lately and fauling miserable ugh i know im horrible im back up to 100 lbs ew its gross i know and i hate it i gotta get my control back no matter what i cant just eat to eat only eat when i have to ugh

so i had blood work done 2day it was for my cholestrol im just praying they cant detect nething that involes ana in it cause i got enough ppl watching me i dont need ne more but i go to the docs on wed to find out the results so i gotta a week :)

hopefully i can lose weight b4 then i can trick the scale pretty easily i just wanna get to my first gw already like who though getting to 95 lbs would b so damn hard god damnit ugh

but neway im done ranting now i think lol

Friday, October 23, 2009


so after i posted the blog last nite i kinda fucked up and ate like 800 more cals i know i suck nand im worthless and fat and huge and just everything ugh i suck i hate it

and today is force feed dani friday the force feeding starts at dinner time im so not loking forward to it ugh wtf

so far today i had half an apple(25) and jello(80)

i also wrote new rules but i dont have time to post them rightnow i will post them later ths wkd though

Thursday, October 22, 2009



2 bubbillion cubes- 10 cals
3 oz veggies- 25 cals

snacks( spread out thru out the day)
ice cream cone- 140 cals
1/2 cup popcorn- 12 cals
1 saltine- 12 cals

lime jello- 40 cals
4 pieces of candy corn- 32 cals
7 jelly beans- 28 cals

5 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 299 cals

9,371 steps taken- 240 cals burned
i also had my li cousing today so we played for a while so the total cals i burned isnt accurate cause i havent figured out how many cals i burned playing with her

Tuesday, October 20, 2009


so i had a mia moment last nite fyi purging pizza is gross and im never doing that again ew but neway today was liquid fasting day i did really good im proud of myself

3 bottles of water-0 cals
4 cups coffe (one with normal sugar thank my boss for that)- 25 cals
mango mini protein shake- 300 cals

total cals consumed0 325

7,562 steps taken- 190 cals burned
65 minutes walking on tready hill workout- 242 cals burned

total cals burned- 432 cals burned

Monday, October 19, 2009


fruit mix(grapes, pinapple, cantalope, honeydew)- 75 cals
8 pieces of candy corn- 80 cals

fruit mix( grapes, cantalope, honeydew,apple)-100
1 piece candy corn and 2 jelly beans- 8 cals

1 cup popcorn- 35 cals

noodles- 200 cals
3 oz veggies( broccolli, carrots, calliflowe)- 25

3 pints water- 0 cals
2 cups black coffee- 0 cals
enviga- 5 cals

total cals consumed- 528 cals

over 12,000 steps taken- 322 cals burned
65 mins on elly- 522 cals burned
65 mins on bike-395 cals burned
30 mins walking on treadmill- 97 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,336

ok i watched oth tonite god it was so good i love that show now im off to do crunches and watch gossip girl even though im so confused casue i didnt watch the hole second season but its :)

Thursday, October 15, 2009


apple w/ cinnamon and caramel- 65 cals

jello- 80 cals

chicken broth- 20 cals
3 oz of veggies- 25 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
enviga( cal burning drink)-5 cals

total cals consumed- 195

8,802 steps taken- 221 cals burned
65 minutes elly- 501 cals burned
45 minutes ike- 301 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,023

today was a very good day im proud of myself. iv ebeen freezing all day the damn temp here was like a high of 38 degress insane i know. it snowed a lil too well it was more likea rain snow mix but still its only october wow. well im off to do my crunches and try to get warm

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


o i decided that i needed to fast today :) so i have had no food none what so ever im feeling sick though so i think a cold is coming damn ugh i hate being sick it always makes me eat more when im sick hate it

so i had 3 cups of coffee today adn 2 bottles of water so far going good :)

Monday, October 12, 2009


so i had a major breakdown this wkd like really bad i have so many cuts its insane i didnt even realize that i cut that much but both my arms are totally fucked up with cuts and my upper right thigh is even worse and still bleeding a lil. but i had a fight with my boyfriend he practically told me i wasnt pretty and not good enough then ihad a fight with my friend just a horrible wkd godi was doing so good not cutting well that all ended now

slimfast meal bar cookie dough- 220 cals

apple- 80 cals

soup- 120 cals
18 jelly beans- 72 cals

bottle and half of water- 0 cals
2 cups black coffee- 0 cals
enviga drink(cal burning)- 5 cals

total cals consumed- 497

8.860 steps taken- 226 cals burned
65 mins on elly- 497 cals burned
45 min on bike- 286 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,009 cals burned

i won b able to go to the gym tomm which sucks ugh so ima only eat 300 cals tomma nd walk and clean at work as much as i can

well im off to finish watching one tree hill( love that show) then gonna listen to the new paramore cd again( if u havent heard it buy itnow amaizng) and then do crunches

i should clean my cut again get them to stop bleeding

Saturday, October 10, 2009


so today was going really good and then i ended up [ruging i cant tell u what the cal intake i am at cause i dont remember what i ate b4 i purge i know breakfast was apple w/caramel(100) cals
but i dint purge that up i purged my lunch i know i had broccolli, crackers and cheese i just dont know how much of each i had but i purged it up trust me all of that is out cause i ended up spitting blood at the end so its all gone yay now ijust wish that my puffy eyes would go down already i purged over 2 and half hours ago

well this is the exercise i have down so far
8,595 steps taken-216 cals burned
vaccummed car 8 minutes- 15 cals burned
cleaned car 2 hours- 275 cals burned

total cals burned so far- 506 cals

i still got tons of crunches to do and i gotta clean my room yet

Tuesday, October 6, 2009



2 small apples with cinnamon- 50 cals

2 small apples with caramel- 100 cals

dinner(eating it now)
oatmeal- 120 cals
1 small apple- 25 cals

1 cup black coffee- 0 cals
1 20 fl oz bottle of water-0 cals
1 700 ml bottle of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 295 cals


8,595 steps taken- 213 cals burned
65 minutes on elly- 480 cals burned

total cals burned- 693 cals burned

time to do crunches when im done eating :)

Monday, October 5, 2009

goal weights

ok i know i havent been around for a few days but ive been busy, and weak, and passing out, and purging but u know it happens :) but here are my goal weights

GW1-95 lbs
GW2- 90 lbs
ima have to maintain 90lbs for a lil while just for i dont get like sent away or nething
GW3-85 lbs
GW4- 80 lbs
then maintain that for a while

my ultimate goal weight is 70 lbs and im determined to get there :)

Wednesday, September 30, 2009


god i ate so much food last nite i suck i felt horrible but i didnt even have enough energy to get up and purge so to make up for it i decided to fast today just liquids. im weak as fuck but im good im not gonna eat til tomm morning at least i proved to my self that i can still fast :)


1 bottle of water-0 cals
3 cups of black coffee-0 cals
1 cup orange juice- 50 cals
1 diet coke- o cals

total cals consumed- 50 cals

over 11,000 steps taken-311 cals burned
taught swim lessons 30 minutes- 92 cals burned
played at park wit cousin for hour- 183 cals burned

total cals burned- 586 cals burned

Monday, September 28, 2009


so my damn mia tendencies have been out of control lately and it fucking sucks my throat is so raw and it hurts all the time, my nose is always stuffy, my knuckle is so cut up and it hurts constatnly ugh. but my ed's app like to paly musical chairs mia won out last nite i was good all day yesterday didnt eat til dinner had my dinner and ana was happy then mia wanted to play which ended in my eating strawberry sugar waffers and 2 bowls of cereal then chugging 2 bottles of water and running to the bathroom to purge dont worry i got it all out thankfully but im hoping thats the last of mia for a while i just want ana for awhile now an dtoday was good :)

1/2 cup pinapple(burned the fuck out of my throat while i was eating it)- 40 cals

3/4 cup dry special k blueberry cereal- 100 cals
2 cups popcone- 70 cals

2 small apples cut up with cinnamon- 50 cals
1 piece of cheese- 70 cals

2 bottles of water-0 cals
1 cup black coffee- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 330 cals

65 minutes on elly- 463 cals burned( didnt go as fast today i went slower for i could read wasted while iwas working out)
over 12,000 steps taken- 342 cals burned
taught swim lessons for an hour- 180 cals burned

total cals burned- 985 cals

Thursday, September 24, 2009


i had my lil cousin again 2day we went to the park and played again of course so who knows how mnay cals i burned doing that but i also ate a lil more then i wnated to do cause i was with her and she always shares her food with me

1 apple with cinnamon- 25 cals

salad( lettuce and pickles)-15 cals
15 chips ( i know eww but she was sharing then with me)- 150 cals
1/2 cup ice cream( yup we had ice cream to)- 140 cals

sandwhich ( i whole wheat thin roll, 2 slices vegan turkey lunchmeat and 6 slices of vegan pepproni)- 175 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
1 cup of coffee- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 505 cals

over 10,000 steps taken- 267 cals burned
played with cousin for 4 hours- 889 cals burned( yup i found out how many cals i burned playing with her all day)
cleaned at work for 4 hours-622 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,778 cals burned

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


so today was going rly well i was rly weak in the morning from yesterday burning off so many cals but i stayed strong and had a small breakfast and then i was babysitting my cousin shes 3 yr old and the cutest thing in the world but i swear to god she never gets tired. we went to the park and play for an hour and half so i was basicllly running around for that long idk how many cals i burned from that i wish i did. we came home form lunch an di ate more then i should of so i ended up purging yup i got most of it out so thats good i guess. but good news today was weigh in and i am now 98.4 lbs yay im so excitited and happy about that

2 small apples with cinnamon- 50 cals

half a whole wheat roll-50 cals
box of green giant veggies( potaotes, snap peas, and peppers)- 100 cals
4 slices of cheese-280 cals

i know i suck at lunch but i purged i know i got all the cheese up and i got part of the veggies yet i would of kept going til i got all of it up but i had to go to work so i had to stop


2 cups black coffee- 0 cals
2 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 480 cals

over 13,000 steps taken- 364 cals burned
taught swim lessons hour and half- 264 cals burned

total cals burned- 628 cals burned

Tuesday, September 22, 2009


quick update

1/2 cup pinapple- 40 cals
2 sugar vanilla waffers- 80 cals (i realized after i ate them that i did the caluclation of the cals wrong i though it was 40 for 2 nope i was wrong 2 of them r 80 cals ugh)

1/2 cup celery- 10 cals
2 pickles- 0 cals

salad(lettuce and 2 pickles)- 15 cals
3 oz of broccoli- 25 cals
1 peep- 35 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
2 cups of black coffee- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 205 cals

50 minutes stairstepper- 300 cals burned
100 minutes on elly- 730 cals burned
6,311 steps taken- 160 cals burned
cleaned for 2 hours-314 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,484

Monday, September 21, 2009


i know i suck for now updating all wkd but really u dont want a sleep deprieved me writing nehitng trust me. i was so out of it this wkd my mind started playing tricks on me i was seeing things that werent there and then driving wow i would like zone out the hole time how i didnt crash my pretty new car idk. but neway im better now i passed out for 6 hours last nite so im good on sleep and ready for a new week

so i have a god i wanna b 95 lbs by friday i am 99lbs now so thats 4 lbs i gotta work my ass off and get that weight off right now

heres out 2day went

1 cup pinapple- 80 cals
4 sugar vanilla waffers- 140 cals

small apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
half cup of diced celery- 10 cals

1 cup pretzels- 120 cals
i know i suck with the snack ugh

salad-15 cals (1 and 1/2 cup lettuce and 2 0 cal pickles)
yogurt- 100 cals

1 cup black coffee at breakfast- 0 cals
3 bottles of water- 0 cals
another cup of black coffee(drinking now)- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 490 cals


65 minutes on elly- 493 cals burned
2 hours teaching seim lessons- 359 cals burned
7,065 steps taken- 180 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,032 cals burned

tomm will b better ima eat less and burn way more i need to lose this weight already its getting ridc im so damn fat eww my bones do not stick out nearly enough

off to finish my coffee watch one tree hill love that show then do crunches

Friday, September 18, 2009


ok guys im do a quick update now cause i gotta wokr 10 hours again today and then right after ima b with the boy for the nite so i wont b able to update later

so the boy is on my case again like ugh wtf i rly get my control back and im excited and im losing and then hes like nope not gonna happen wtf ugh

but he came over last nite an di told him that i havent slept since wednedays hes like have u been eating ann im like yes i have been eating (cause rly i have been just not much) i tol him i had chicken noodle soup for dinner but no lunch i wasnt hungry. hes like u have to eat 3 times a day u know that hes like that was part of the deal no hopsital or treatment ifu eat 3 times a day ugh. then hes like ur gonna eat tomm right im like yes ima eat dinner with u hes u have to eat breakfast and lunch i counter by saying but if i eat those 2 meals i won b hungry for dinner hes like have a lil something for breakfast and lunch im like fine ugh

so then hes like u need to sleep come here and i can usually only sleep when hes here neway so i have gotten aout 2 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours im aight though

ook im dne ranting i think ugh

so today this is what ima do
breakfast- few bites of pinaple
lunch- carrots and celery
dinner what eever he makes me eat

ima walk around and clean as much as i can at work today for i can burn cals

Thursday, September 17, 2009

ive been up for 37 hours straight

yup u read that right i havent slept in 37 hours and idk if i'll b able to sleep tonite i get rly bad insomnia and it decided to come back again ugh i barely sleep as it is and now im not sleeping at all. well today i worked a 10 hour shift, tomm im working a 10 hour shift, saturday im doing an 8 hour shift so i wont b able to exercise much cause well i'll always b at work but at least i can walk around and clean burn some cals that way


breakfast- skipped
dinner- 2 jallapino (sp) poppers- 100 cals
homemade chicken noodle soup-115 cals

4 bottles of water- o cals
1 low carb low cal energy drink- 20 cals

total cals confumed- 235 cals

its not much since i was at work all day
9,844 steps taken- 245 cals burned

total cals burned- 245 cals

stil have to do my crucnhes and pushups yet tonite so that will b more cals burned

tomm the boy is taking me out to dinner after i get out of work so im not eating all day just drinking water and having one energy drink to keep me going

love u all stay strong

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

im so fucking confused

ok here it is guys as u know its weigh in day so i get up this morning carry my scale to the bathroom pee and then strip i step on the scale nervous and excited at the same time and its says 102 like ugh thts up a pound from saturday then im like duh i started my period so the period is just fucking with me so i go about my routine

morning weight-102

half and apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
4 vanilla waffers- 160 cals (ugh i know i suck)

total cals for breakfast- 185 gross i know

then i go to gym spend 65 minutes on elly- 496 cals burned i was happy about that :)

theni come in and my mom has cupcakes like fuck me rly so i have one i freak out go take a shower purge that up and some blood i know gross right but i had to get it out

so im thinking u know what ima weigh myself again just to c so i get my scale out and it say * drum roll*

weight- 100 lbs

so yes i am very happy now its getting lower and that number has to b more accurate so yes im 100 lbs yes :) today im letting myself eat a lil more cause of my period

so for lunch ima make banana pancakes then i gotta teach swim lessons so i'll work that off dinner im thinking potato skins just cause theyve been in my fridge after work crunches

ok so im still gonna stick with the rules i have today i promise i wont go over 1,000 cals but i cam up with something to follow for while till i lose more weight heres the plan until furter notice

breakfast- fruit
  • once a week im allowed to either have oatmeal or cereal all the other days it has to b fruit

lunch- skip no lunch ever lunch is not an option no matter how weak i am

dinner- soup, salad or veggies

  • once a week im either allowed to have a sandwhich or some noodles all the other day s i have to have one of those options above

ima try and work out as much as i can but i know once i get to weak ima have to tone them down a lil but thats ok i will still go to the gym just mayb not do as long or as hard as a workout

well im off gotta have my pancakes :) and do crunches b4 work love u all

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

god im fucking fat today

ugh i hate myself today i was having a good day then i went and had some pretzels and a slimfast bar ugh i ended at like 387 cals ew that is gross today was suppose to g o good cause weigh in is tomm. god ima freak out if i gained tomm aaahhh damnit ugh. im currently doing crunches i passed 2000 already and ima keep going til its time for sleep i did my pushups too

1/4 of an apple w/ cinnamon and a lil caramel-15 cals

1/4 of an applew/ cinnamon-12.5 cals
1 cup of chicken broth- 10 cals

24 pretzels- 120 cals
1 cup of chicken broth- 10 cals

stupid snack
simfast bar- 220 cals

total cals consumed- 384.5

65 minutes on ellicptcal- 452 cals burned
over 12,000 steps taken- 325 cals burned
cleaned room for an hour and half- 241 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,018 cals burned

im still doing crunches and pushups so those arent factored in i also went to the park today and played on the swings andmonkey bones idk what the cals burned are for that but it was lots of fun. ilove just playing i swear i have a heart of a 5 years old its so much fun

well weigh in and measuremnts are tomm so i have to get back to my crunches

oooo an dmy mom broke my mini fridge today yes i have a mini fridge in my room well she bought me a new one and its smaller then the one i use to have so it will hold less food yes :)

Monday, September 14, 2009


ok so ive been sick like head cloudy room spinning sick im doing a lil better today room isnt spinning as much so thats good

next weigh in is on wednesday and thats also a measuremnt day too im scared and excited i want to b smaller so bad

heres how 2day went

breakfast- half a cup of orange juice- 25 cals ( yes i have found orange juice that is 50 cals :) its called trop50 id neone wanted to know)
lunch- skipped
dinner- cup of chicken broth- 10 cals
after work snack- banana- 100 cals

total cals consumed- 135 cals

i coiudn't go to the gym today cause of my sickness and my mom wouldnt let me go to the gym so ugh

taught swim lessons for an hour- 183 cals burned
i forgot my pedometer today but i walked the same amount as always-200 cals burned

total cals burned- 383

i have off of work tomm so im try and go for a long long walk and go play on the swings :)

Saturday, September 12, 2009

weigh in and randomness

ok yup thats right its weigh in day today i ws so scared this morning to step on the scale but here is the number

body fat- 16%

yup u ready right im down 2 lbs from wednesday i was hoping to b even lower but im down so thats good i rly need to get my body fat down also 16% is way way way to high. my scale calculates that for me.

so heres how yesterday went i didnt eat nething all day casue we usually go out to eat firday nites. so i was strong all day and didnt eat. we ended up going to a high school football game and it rained the hole time so i was freezing and wet for 4 hours straight but good thing out of that is that is i get sick no1 can make me eat then yay for that. after the game he decided that he wanted to eat so we go to burger king i just get a side salad (50cals) and he said i cant just have that so he order me a medium oreo shake i look up the cals this morning 960 cals like holy fuck thats alot i gotta work my ass off b4 next weigh in which is wednesday i wanna b at least 98 by then but my period comes on wednesday to so aahhhhh

heres the plan for today

now- gonna have a banana we have smaller ones so its around 7 cals
at work- ima eat an apple 50 cals
then for dinner either veggies or a salad and a few pretzels havent decided yet

Friday, September 11, 2009

weather sucks 2day

so its rainy and fucing crappy out 2day i cant get to the gym and i cant go for a walk like wtf
i havent eaten nething yet today cause we might go out to eat later so im fasting just in case. im getting weak though i love this feeling its the best feeling in the world. ive had 2 bottles of water so far 2day and ima bout to go make my 25 cal hot choc cause im freezing and i cant get warm 2day ifmy life depended on it. i decided to jump in a tanning bed after work 2day try and get a lil color for i dont look so a pale i acutally felt semi warm for 12 minutes

well im off to have my hot choc then figure out wtf ima wear 2nite ei hate decideing on outfits

Thursday, September 10, 2009

i purged 2day

yup u read right i purged today. i try not to purge cause everytim i do i throw up blood and theres always blood on my fingers when im done but i purged today neway and i didnt even binge. well u say had breakfast like normal then went to the gym pushed thru my hour workout i was so weak by the end. as soon as i walk in the door i smell the cookies my mom just made and b4 i knew it i ate to of them then i freaked out like wtf im not suppose to b eating them. so i run up stairs to take a shower and i purge in there. i got all of the cookies up and about half my breakfast too which is shocking cause i ate that hours b4 hand but neway im still counting the cals i purged cause i fiugred i chewed i shallowed the cals count.

low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal-120 cals
granola car-90 cals

2 choc chip cookies(ew)- 100 cals

yup right there is were i purged but im counting though cals though just to b on the safe side

veggies( broccolli, carrots, and calliflower)- 80 cals

3 bottles on water-0 cals
fat free french vanilla cappy(i just love these)-100 cals

total cals consumed- 490 cals

65 minutes of ellicptlca- 445 cals burned
cleaned room for hour and half- 245 cals burned
9,288 steps taken- 230 cals burned

total cals burned- 920 cals burned

wel tomm is friday the boy usually takes me out to eat so im not eating all day no food well past my lips until he makes me tomm so just water all day

well im off to take a glucose tablet im all shaky my blood sugar is low and then its crunches and pushup time woohhoooo :)

Wednesday, September 9, 2009


ok heres how today went

low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal-120 cals
2 choc chip cookies( i know i suck)-100 cals

9 tbsp egg whites-75 cals
granola bar- 90 cals

salad-50 cals
1 cup popcorn- 35 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
1 cup hot choc (drinking it now)- 25 cals ( yes i did find 25 cal hot choc and it taste amazing)

total cals consumed- 495


65 minutes on ellictpcal0- 450 cals burned
50 minuntes on stairstepper- 300 cals burned
taught swim lessons for hour and half- 280 cals burned( yes i looked it up)
7,993 steps taken- 201.1 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,231.1

i think i figured out y the scale was so fucking high well i was severly dehryadted for 2 weeks staight cause i didnt drink or barely drank neway and now im drinking again so i think my body is hold on to the water just cause it thinks its gonna get dehraydted again. so next weigh in is this saturday hoping to b lower. ima weigh in twice a week wednesdays and saturdays.

well im beat its been a long fucking day ima go drink my hot choc and do my crunches :)

love u all :)

weigh in and measurements

i dont believe that scale on that one cause its just not right it cant b right ugh i need to get under 100 as soon as possible


waist-23 inches
hips-29 inches
wrist-5.5 inches
ankle-7 inches
thigh-16 inches
neck- 12 inches

i hate the measurements i hate the weight its time for some serious serious restrictions i need to get under 100 asap like right now

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

ok my fav ppl here is how 2day went

breakfast- low sugar maple and bown sugar oatmeal-120cals
lunch- 2 cups butter popcorn-70 cals and 1 cup diced pinapple-80 cals
dinner-tomato soup-120 cals

total cals consumed- 390 cals

8,805 steps taken(according to my pedometer watch- 224 cals burned
35 minutes on bike hill workout- 212 cals burned
35 minuts on ellicitpcal- 240 cals burned

total cals burned- 676 cals burned

it was a good day today have a cal defeict of 296 not bad but could be more. still have to do my crunches and pushups yet tonite going to go do them shortly though.

tomm is weigh in and measurement day im a lil nervous that i wont b smaller but i rly hope i am

off to do my crunches now :)

Monday, September 7, 2009

New Rules


Calorie Intake and Food

  • 300-500 cals a day nothing more 300 or lower preferred
  • don't eat nething that has more then half the cals in fat
  • if going out to dinner the starts then no food before no expections

avoid carbs as much as possible

  • only allow 2 slices of bread a week-whole wheat only- no white bread- no bread is even better
  • only have noodles onces a week have to be organic whole wheat and no sauce ( im italian so cutting out noodles is hard) no pasta is better
  • only have potatoes once a week none if possilbe

avoid junk

  • no chips, cookies, brownies donuts or ice cream etc
  • once every 2 weeks allow a small sweet snack ( i have a sweet tooth)

avoid meat

  • no red meat ever
  • only eat chicken when have to it had to be lean though and grilled or baked. Can't have any sause or be fried


  • fruits, veggies, salad, tomato soup, crackers(special k or wheat thins only)
  • have at least 3 bottles of water a day ( i cant keep amost passing out from severe dehyradtion not good)
  • avoid drinks that have cals in them


  • do at least 2,000 crunches and 50 pushups every night less is unacceptable but more is perfect
  • on non gym days go for a 2hour or longer walk as long as weather premits (jersey weather is unpredciatble so)
  • on gym days work out at least an hour no matter how weak i am if possible do a longer workout

    Well there are the rules that i have to follow no matter what. I am being watched closely and i am forced it eat but i am working around that. They boyfriend takes me out to dinner once a week and pretty much chooses what i eat but i wil only ever eat a 1/4 of the meal he chooses.