Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Grocery shopping

Went grocery shopping for the first time in god idk when yes I'm working on recovery and I got completely over whelmed my cart looked like this when I was done to much way to much

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Comment reply

This is for sam she wrote me a nice long response Thanx hunny it means a lot I am hanging in there I have really bad body issues I'm trying to b ok with recovery and the weight gain but it is a big struggle cause I just want to b this tiny lil thing again I'm tired of people saying how much better and healthier I look how this is the best I looked in awhile that I'm filling out not sunken in or sick looking anymore the sad this is I still want to look sick I want to b different I dont want to look like everyone else this disease is such a confusing thing my life is always going a million miles a minute and I can't control any of it at all I'm always being told what to do and what I'm dong wrong and how I should do things it's like they don't think I'm good enough to make my own decisions that ppl think I'm not stable enough to run my own life I'm 26 for fucks sake I know I'm sick I know I have mental issues but I think I can decide how to leave my own fucking life already like fuck

I don't get to c the boy much since I am working I get to c him mayb once every 2 weeks right now and it's hard as fuck I work like 9 days straight at my one job stupid second shift 3-1130 it doesn't give me time to do anything I am applying for a full time position a my other job not the hospital I one i actually like so I'm hoping I can get that and not work at the hospital anymore I can't stand that job whatsoever ever

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Ew ew ew

Ok ew I just can't stand myself anymore i can't stand how much I'm eating how I'm just eating whatever and not working out I'm just gross I need to stop making excuses yeah I work a lot everyday and hard work too but it's not an excuse to look like this

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Sick again

I feel like im always sick they should just permanently put me on antibotics I just got off a 2 week course for double ear infection sinus infection and damaged vocal chords now I'm on a 10 day course taking them every 8 hours for strep throat they aren't certain it's that cause I don't have insurance to test but have a fever headache body aches ear ache and my tonsils are red and oozy so back on antibotics for now if I'm not feeling better in few days gave to go back to the doctor again ugh

It hurts so bad I had to call off work yesterday cause doc wanted me to take a day off I have a doc note do hopefully they don't get mad I slept like 12 hours yesterday and only have a vanilla milkshake with banana in it and half can soup yesterday but I'm working 9-1 at one job then 3-1130 at the hospital so I have to try eat mire but I can barely drink water that's how bad it hurts ugh

But I quit one job on Sunday I can't do 3 jobs the one I quit paid me the least and gave me the least hours they were pissed and gave me a hard time cause I was there year and a half and the managers are talking behind my back fuckers

Monday, March 5, 2012

Sunday, March 4, 2012


Yes these are mine
Wanted to share cause high socks and leggings are comfy and then I realized my legs looked a lil skinny could b smaller thing


Thursday, March 1, 2012


Hey everyone sorry that I haven't updated in awhile I get lost in my life and my head u know how it has when things get rough and ur head just takes over yeah that's where I was

I got a 3rd job one that actually has moving up potential excited it's on one of the hospitals in town the good hospital it has a few campuses in the area I'll b at the newest one it's just part time right now but I'll b doing environmental services I'll b cleaning the OR, ER, and patient rooms it's 3-1130pm. I just had my physical on Monday it was a long day. I had to explain stuff like my anxiety and depression tell them what I was taking and I was seeing a doc for it. Had to explain my bad headaches, my back spasms, IBS, my knee issues, my food allergies, my chest pain, how I'm suck right now. It was a lot if explaining but she passed me cause I explained it all. She even passed me with the spine test age could feel my ribs thru my back but she passed me anyway. I lied in the history of eating disorder question cause I really need this job and once I'm there 3 months I can get insurance and start getting help for it. She did my blood pressure it was normal for once 122/62 or something like that. Took my pulse too it was 80 idk if that's normal or not. But after all that and my vision test had to go get blood work and I urine drug test. They took 7 tubes of blood from me apparently they test for a lot damn I had a headache for awhile after that and I was sleepy for days. I'm just scared that something is going to show up on there u know how I get paranoid. But damn I had to do so much paperwork and had to get finger printed as well it was a fucking long day and then I have orientation on Monday from 745am-430 yes long ass day it's a lot if work to get a hospital job but that's what I need

I've been extra tired and weak lately. My period is being funny it came on Monday the cramps were so bad and it was like bright red but extemely light it even stopped for awhile during the day it was lil heavier Tuesday not much avd cramps were bad again but it's been light and stop and go since got it Wednesday idk what to even think idk y its being like this I'm on the pill

Anyway I'm 98 lbs right kept it. At a steady weight for like 2 weeks it's hard as fuck and u decided that I'm cutting out junk mostly choc I've been eating to much if it and u hate how I feel so I'm cutting it out and I haven't been to the gym in over a month I don't have time or I'm sick or I can't pay the payment I'm canceling it after march I just can't afford it right now

Today I have off from both jobs and I'm not babysitting my crazy but adorable cousins had all 3 of them yesterday man did they tire me out but it was fun so it's all good. But today I'm going to relax for a lil cleanup my messy room and try to get a work it in in my room

Love u all hope ur doing well