Saturday, December 31, 2011

Night outfit

We aren't doing anything special since I can't drink he usually just goes out with he's friends but this year we are going out to dinner with a friend of ours I tried to look cute but comfy what do u guys think

New years eve work outfit

Friday, December 30, 2011


I slipped stupid ugh

So I didn't cut last night Thanx everyone for being with me

I've been trying to recover but I just had major slip I just purged my head is pounding heart is racing I fell down after I was down there was blood on my fingers I'm really spiraling once I start going back to that it's bad

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I need to cut

I need to cut I need to cut I need to cut I need the blood pouring out numbing of my body and mind I need it all right now it takes everything the mind numbing please it's been 6 months 6 months cut free I'm trying I'm curled up under my heated blanket crying I hate my life

12/29/11 outfit

Up close and farther away view

Fat ass

2 cheese sticks
Pint coco mint chip ice cream
9 cookies
2 bags frozen mixed veggies

Monday, December 26, 2011

12/26/11 outfit

Wearing this to work so comfy

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I act like a 5 year old

I was playing with my 5 year old cousins art set i did this u like

Christmas outfit


Merry Christmas everyone I hope you a enjoy urselfs try to have fun and leave the disease behind is possible I know it's not possible but I want all my friends to feel ok even if it's just for a minute

Sorry bout my breakdown the other day I'm ok Im going to keep trying to fight this disease life just likes to hit me all at once me and the boy almost broke up last night but we talks well I tried to cause I don't have much of a voice and I was having panic attack took me hours to breathe normal bit we are going to be ok we have a plan well he made a plan for me to help me not with my Ed but with life and getting out of my parents house getting y debt slowly paid off its all going to work out and I have to try and keep taking care of myself he did admit that he knows I'm always going to be sick that he doesn't care bout that as long as I try and some day when I have amazing insurance I can get amazing help

Well happy holiday to everyone i love you all you are all my rocks keep me grounded and I hope that I do the same for u

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Xmas eve work outfit


Hello downward spiral nice to meet u again I really didn't want to meet u again but here we are back in the downward spiral of my eating disorder I know everyone was say I was doing so well with recovery well guess what life changes and mine is fucking falling the fuck apart to many bills no money can't make the boy happy everything is just out of control and I just need to control something and I'm going to spiral nicely considering that I almost bent over the toilet at the restaurant and threw up my meal kept it in only cause I was with the boy but fuck it all anymore never good enough he's gonna leave me probably anyone so what's the point of anything neway meet u at rock bottom everyone

Thursday, December 22, 2011


First I need to give a big shout out to my friend E she sent me this beautiful Xmas gift this amazing really pretty flower scarf and wild scarlet juicy apple and lily body spray from victorias secret i love it so much I really do she's the best an I really wished I had the extra money to send a gift to her too thank u so much E for the thoughtful gift I love u

I give up with work and rude customers don't tell me to talk louder I can't I just can't I have a really bad inflamed throat they were just ride today the managers didn't even let me have a walkie to call for back up instead they said when I need someone to turn the music up then down and that's the signal

Well music time got pandora on my phone love ya all

Today's outfit

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Hey sorry that this has been turning more into a fashion blog but I just really like sharing my outfits letting people see that u can dress how u want ad it doesn't matter what anyone else says bout u as long as ur comfortable and u like what it wearing then go for it

I am trying to recover idk how much more my body can take of this I've already been diagnosed with anxiety drepression ibs fibromyalgia and esophagitis with polyps c my body is failing me I'm in constant pain I can't wear jeans anymore I go to work in leggings and either dresses or longer shirts my managers know how much pain I'm in and they actually think my outfits are cute

Right now I really don't have a voice my throat has been so inflamed that I can't do anything bout it and I'm getting tired of the customers telling me that I sound bad that I most feel horrible that my managers shouldn't let me ring because of my voice my one manager is getting so fed up with how rude the customers are and she just wants to yell at them and hit them not sick it's my throat the acid kills it and when it gets this way the more talking i do the more I am damaging my throat so everyone can just shove it for all that I care

Now recovery idk it's going ok I guess I posted my measurements and pics a few days ago if u want to check them out I don't think I'm small at all but when have I ever seen myself clearly u know but I've got myself comfortable with eating more in the morning causes know I will burn that off during the day lunch and dinner is still a struggle I usually just have fruit veggies or soup

How is everyone else doing? I haven't been able to read ur blogs since i still don't have a computer but let me know how u guys are doing in a comment here

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12/20/11 outfit

I'm bringing the leg warmers back

Friday, December 16, 2011

Measurement and progress pic update

Waist-22.5 inches
Hips -28 inches
Thigh-16 inches
Ankle-7 inches
Neck-11.5 inches
Wrist-4.5 inches


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


So for once in my life the doctor was happy with me that really is a first me and docs just never ever get along so I was shocked when it actually went good

I'm sitting in the Walmart shoe department I've been walking around the store for 45 mins already and I just can't do it anymore so I'm blogging to u from walmart I know weird but hey has to waste time so here I am

Well back to the doctors he was happy he said he was really worried about me last month that he's happy I'm soon better my weight there after all day of eating drinking and in clothes was 103 that's where I was 2 months ago when I went last month I was 98 lbs there this visit my blood pressure was 148/94 weight 103 in staying on my antidepressants and he gave me 2 other scripts as well something to help my stomach the acid and the pain for it doesn't hurt so much and Valium I will only be on the Valium for a month for my muscles relax and my headaches stop

So this is y im in Walmart waiting for my scripts to get done for I can start taking then tonight and hopefully get some sleep

Since im here I got a tape measure and cheap box of cookies I know weird combo I know I just can't wait for my medicines to be done I'm tired chest hurts I just want to lay down and I babysat today from 9-330 I'm exhausted we took a walk ran around had a dance party it was nuts

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Mental breakdown week my head is poundings eyes hurt and are puffy no contacts today I don't want to deal anymore there's no point any way I'm never going to amount to anything I'm never going to have anything I'm just going to be the girl who is in debt who can't feed or hydrate herself right I'm never going to get married or have kids in going to me stuck working part time I'm never going to get ahead in life in always going to struggle I don't blame people for getting tired of me I just give up I can't ever finish Christmas shopping I'm a bad person cause any good person with good intentions would of had it done already so yeah that's it my medical bills are almost in collections there goes my credit I'm really never going to have anything on life

So no more buying myself anything I tried to cancel my amazon order but it was to late so last time buying myself anything I'm even going to cancel my gym membership I don't deserve it not going to grocery shop much just work home job search clean exercise not going to do anything for myself wonder how long my body can go before it gives up

Monday, December 12, 2011


So I didn't get to go to the gym today I ended up babysitting which is a workout all in its own we had a nice dancing and singing party it was fun they are still here have all 3 of them 5 years old 2 years old and 1 years old it my hands full my it's so worth it yes yes yes it is

My day just went to hell got a letter saying that some of my medical bills went in to collections which mean I owe even more a month sucks and since it went to collections there goes my credit I worked hard to get good credit now it is going to hell y can't anything ever go right for me

Sunday, December 11, 2011


So I've so decided that no matter what I'm going to the gym tomorrow I've been eating to much been freaking out I need a good sweaty workout in I know I'm an exercise addict it I admit it never denied it but I need it it keeps me sane

So can my fibromyalgia be good tomorrow can it not b so bad that u can barely move like today work was so hard but like I said that's not going to stop me or the constant pounding headache either that I've had ever since u hit my head on black Friday I take 3-6 ibuprofen a day today I took 9 I know im probably ruining my liver but unless u guys have the chronic pain u have no idea how bad it is how much it hurts how much it affects ur life the everyday things it just affects everything

So change of subject I was actually excited to go to the grocery store today u know y because the had cherries jackpot fuck yes and they were on sale $2.99 a lb instead of the normal $5.99 a lb I got 2 bags duh u guys have no idea how much I like them I could live off of them o and I got 2 of these cute lil snack things I know they r meant for lil kids but o well

Saturday, December 10, 2011


So this is what I'm wearing to work today I'm having a really bad chronic pain day and the thought of wearing jeans and heavy stuff is making me cringe days like this the lighter and the flowier the clothes are the better

Do u guys like or is it too I don't know but this is me how I dress my style

Friday, December 9, 2011

Todays outfit

So here's my outfit I have a picture of the whole outfit and then a closer one of the shirt

I know someone asked for the height before so I will tell u guys in 5'5 and I guess around 98 lbs not sure but that's the last number that I know of let me know what u guys think

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Work outfit

This outfit is just do comfy and warm had to share it. Any guesses on my weight I'm scared of the scale?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Steps are dangerous

Ooooooooo do I hate steps ugh I start my day out lovely by falling down 2 steps catching my self with my elbow in the bannister it hurts like mother fucker cut it and it hurts to move it so I'm trying not too

I was walking down the steps with my laundry bag in my arm and grapes and tea bag in my hand and I slipped mad like I should of not caught urself just let urself fall u prob wouldn't of shirt urself so bad ugh


I really hate having my period I don't deal well with having it at all my mind goes nuts its been pretty much calm for 3 weeks few freaks out here and there but now it's just a mess I'm bloated it hurts I'm eating choc which I'm beating myself up over ugh this is ridiculous

My medication are working little better I think I did ok the other day went to Barnes and nobles and apple store had my music on at Barnes and nobles but that store keeps me calm neway I was lil anxious at apple store but not as bad as I would of been I'm better at work I can focus and drive my mangers nuts cause my head is clearer which is good but they think I'm on something I'm not I'm just doing ok for once in my life

My doc appt is next week nervous cause I don't want to know my weight and it's 430 in the afternoon so I will have eaten probably come straight from work so I'll have heavier clothes on which scares me and I don't want him to take me off my medication cause he said he would if it wasn't helping the pain yeah it's not helping the pain I get bad headaches everyday and my body just aches but hello I have fibromyalgia it's gonna hurt and there's no generics out there for that yet so yeah I can't afford brand names

I'm just happy my head is a lil calmer and clearer I don't want to lose that I don't want to go back to the way I was before the medication I was a complete mess panic attacks everyday freakouts all the time crying hating myself hurting myself it's not worth it

I've been cut free since the summer I haven't gone that long with out cutting in years I'm proud of myself yes I still get urges but they are getting less and less and I have to look at the scars everyday since my one inner arm is covered from wrist to elbow

I'm trying to recover its hard as fuck trust me I try eating a different food once a week I end up freaking out last week it was a breakfast sandwich it took all my effort to not throw it up I had to keep myself on my bed or I would of run to the bathroom and got rid of it so needless to say noire breakfast sandwiches for a long time I'm just not ready to deal with that it was to much for me

I hope u are all doing well let me know how u are doing in my comments since I can't get to a computer to read ur blogs I've been updating from my phone love ya

Monday, December 5, 2011


So im sitting at Barnes and nobles right now wasting sometime came up to th apple store to get my phone looked up it was an hour wait so wasting time here u love this place books god love them it's killing me being here I want so many books but I only have enough money for one I decided to get "destined" by pc and Kristin cast its the house of night series I have all the other ones so need to have this one of course but ugh I went into the addiction section wanted to get a book on recovery but fuck me they are so expensive ugh can't afford that I we gonna get wasted but read it so many times and I know my friend has it I just need to get it back I wish I could buy all the books that I want but I just can't I'm a broke ass hate it I need a good job

My doc appt got rescheduled it was the 13th in the morning so I didn't have to miss work but yeah they had to love it to the 14th at 430pm so I will have to tell work that I can only work til 4 that day sucks hate missing hours I need all of the money I can get right now

Went over my aunts house on Saturday that's started their Christmas cooking did apple pies I just went to play with the lil ones they make me so happy ate to much junk though she works at just born so yeah lots of goodies yea the littlest one sat on my lap ate a donut had chocolate icing on it and he was using a spoon it was so funny and cute he made a mess he's 1 so yeah a cute mess but I'm happy that I got to c them they really doable everything better

Ha I wore my candy land shirt to work everyone loved it coworkers and customers included I also bought a sweater too it was on sale $8 so had to get it my coworkers even got me to make a twitter account yes I made one it's gets them off my back about not having Facebook twitter isn't bad I can deal with that

Omg I went to target yesterday just to get tostios yeah left with those queso dip gum crackers lemonade mix and 2 bags hershey kisses mint truffle and candy cane omg the candy cane ones are so good and addicting damn

Ok I should stop rambling and getting moving maybe drink some of lemonade I have only had tea so far today I know I should drink a lot more everyone keeps telling me love u all

Friday, December 2, 2011

Date night outfit

The skirt is a girls extra large I love it so cute

Work outfit

Wednesday, November 30, 2011


So I weighed myself the other day it was like the first time in bout 2 weeks I've been trying to do better eat a little more try to beat this disease u know how it is. According to my calorie counting app I have suppose to eat 1600 calories a day to maintain my weight I've been under everyday since u got the thing had it about a week the being on my feet all day at working walking around burns like 700-900 calories depending on how long I work

So yeah back to the weight I'm still 98 lbs haven't gained or lose I know I should be eating more but I can't imagine eating anymore then I already am I still wish the number was way lower but at least I haven't gained

So my head was doing pretty good for 2weeks it wasn't bugging me as much I was ok but then yesterday came and I'm a total mess but I'm trying to deal wit it

So I did some retail therapy pictures to follow I got a Vera Wang purse from kohls and thus sweater skirt from work the skirt was in the girls section it's an close and it fits almost perfect it's so cute on me


So this is what I decided to wear to work today it's lighter then jeans and stuff so the should hopefully be less today on my 8 hour shift

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


My fibromyalgia is killing me right now I'm in so much pain I can't even lay on my bed I have a pillow underneath my body trying to cushion it yeah it's not working at all the pain goes Fromm back the whole back and it shots to my chest my legs ankles I can't lay still at all cause it hurts to bad to lay still I have to try and keep moving do much for sleeping cause the pain is just way to much I don't wish this pain on anyone it's chronic pain it's bad really bad and when it gets this bad my clothes hurt me so that means for the next couple days no jeans or nething it's leggings or tights with a long baggy shirt it's the loosest things I have the looser the better when the pain is this bad and them add in the nasousness and headache from my concussion not good day at all

At least I have off today first day off in two weeks I'm just going to do laundry and relax lay in bed watch tv steal my brothers computer go online get my music off my iPod onto my iPhone just a relaxing day I even left work two hours early last night it was really slow we are over hours I normally wouldn't go home early but I was really dizzy that day so I did

Sunday, November 27, 2011


Working with a concussion sucks complete ass it's so hard and barely functioning my head is pounding I'm shaky dizzy weak idk where I am half out of it im just walking around in a daze

K back to work love u all

Saturday, November 26, 2011


I'm pretty sure I gave myself a concussion. I hit my head yesterday hard on the corner of the dresser I was bending down to unplug my brothers iPod speaker/charger cause I had iPod on and yeah when I stood up hit the corner my head has a cut and bruise have a pounding headache get dizzy I zone out a lot and I can't concentrate everyone is telling me to go to the emergency room but there's no point cause they can't do anything for it besides rest and becareful

I worked 10-6 today I was just in my own lil world all day everyone just key me be do my own thing cause I told them I could possibly have concussion

I was bad bought stuff at work should of but got fleece zip up hoodies 3 graphic tees one say love it it's purple and long sleeve the other two are thirst so cute candy land and light bright I couldn't pass those up

Already took six ibuprofen today to help with the pain but I always still have a headache so I'm going to just lay here and watch tv the boy bought be seasons 1-6 of supernatural and first season of pretty little liars going to start with pretty little liars

I love u all thank u so much for always being there for me ur comments mean the world to me

Friday, November 25, 2011



Ugh had this hole post typed then I posted it in wrong section so had to delete it yeah that's how tired I am sleep deprivation sucks ass really bad

Worked overnight shift 1145pm-845 this morning I didn't sleep the night before and only slept 5 hours the night before that just took a 2 hour nap I need more sleep but my body is so tired it won't sleep at all we were all losing it at work it was busy the first 3 hours the registers kept freezing it was just one person after another after another but that point we were done none of us slept and we kept cracking up over the stupidest things I almost passed out too I had to grab onto the wall I was leaning on cause started to go black

I ate to much already a bananas fun size pack skittles 8 holiday cookies cinnamon raisin bagel and slice pudding pie u needed the sugar to keep going but my poor stomach didn't like it at all

Going to go lay down for lil more have to get up shower eventually hanging wit the boy tonite

Love u all hope ur well

Thursday, November 24, 2011


Hi guys sorry I have been gone solving again but I have iPhone 4s now early Xmas present from the boy. So I downloaded the blogger app for I can update more often now yay me.

For those of u who are on my site(darkestbeforedawn) skinnydolk and disordered family I'm sorry that I haven't been on much my Internet access is really limited right now so sorry I haven't gotten on much I will try harder u just wish I had my own computer all ready

I'm exhausted I've been working a lot and I mean a lot schedule 16th-10-6 17th-10-6 18th-1-6 19th-11-7 20th-12-630 21st-8am-noon 22nd-10-6 23rd-430-930 I go in tonight at1145pm then work till 845am the next day the Saturday 10-6again I work all day Sunday 11-630 then 2-930 on Monday I have off Tuesday thank god I will have been working 2 weeks straight and it's been busy and the managers are always having me do million different things at once I'm beat.

Um I'm eating more I hate it cause it has been junk I need to stop that I need to eat healthy but more of the healthy stuff u now not doing well in the recovery front I don't know my weight I'm hoping in still between the 96-98 lbs range but who knows.

So happy thanksgiving everyone I'm planning on laying down ad much as u can try to nap since I'm working over night.

K I have some pics for u guys two outfits and one of my collar bones.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011


96 lbs naked 98 lbs in clohtes at doc appt(yoga pants, cami, thin but baggy zip up hoodie, moccasins)

doc said i dont have much more to lose to not lose nemore to try and sleep on a schedule u know he upped my dosage of anitdepressants 40 mg now instead of 20mg he said if they arent working yet in a month hes gonna take them of them completely and started treating my fibromylagia instead

idk what to think i just wish some1 would help me to notice that im not ok idk what else i have to do i told him im barely sleeing im tired i hurt so bad im not hungry i dont eat much and everytime i eat it still hurts so bad all he did was jsut up my antidepressants. he doesnt wanan give me any sleeping pills yet cuase there arent many generic versions of that out yet and i need generic cause of my fucked up insurance

i just ugh im so confused idk what to think i cant stand being in my head nemore i wnat all the thoughts to b gone ijust wanna b alone in my head i want to b content i want to b able to eat and not freak out about every lil bite i take i just want to b normal thats all i want is that to much to ask for

well app it is cuase i cant handle like my head is a jumbled mess i freak that fuck out bout water i have to do curnches i have to keep moving i have to go to the gym i have to take antacaids i have to lay there and feel my bones i have to eat less and less and less ijust have to ugh i cant deal with this i told the boy i wouldnt go to the gym nemore this week i went sat sun and mon so no more these week and thats freaking me otu i need the gym i need to burn off what im eating and then more im just not handling nething right now

can some1 help me pelase i cant go on like this nemore i want some1 to help me i want the doc to notice i reached the point u know the point where u know that u just cant do it nemore that u dont know how much more ur body can take ur mind ur everything idk how to beat this disease.

Sunday, November 13, 2011


so i owe u guys a long explanation as to y i havent been on hi everyone im ok i hope that u havent been worrying much im ok for the mose part everything has just been so hard lately hard for me to concentrate hard for me to work fuck just hard but i do what i have to do an di alwasy will i go to the work when i am schedule i even pick up extra shifts even though its hard to get out of bed everyday

but im sorry that ihavent been on its been a really bad time in my head and everything just got so jumbled and messed up i needed to distance myself a lil and its not cause u guys dont care or nething i know thatu guys care about me i just needed a break from the hole eating disorder world i didnt go on ne of the support sites i just went to work read my books worked our and came home curled up in a ball at time and ahted myself just laid there so down and out i havent been sleeping much at all and u can tell by the bags under my eyes i was sick as well and it took a week to get my voice fully back it prob would of came back sooner if i didnt talk but i had to talk at work and i sounded like minnie mouse by the end of the day and everyone would tell me to shut up to not talk but then they would but me on register it hurt so back but after work friday i didnt talk till 2am when i went tot he diner with the boy but he told me not to ttalk and then i didnt talk all day yesterday untill i had my breakdonw but good news my voice is almost nearly back thank good and i still ahve the next 2 d ays off as well

yeah work sucks i need money bad but i only got scheduled 3 days next week the store isnt dong well and teh company isnt giving us many hours so i have off saturday-tuesday then i work wednesday adn thursday 10-6 then have off friday work sat 11-7 it sucks major ass my credit cards r like $5 away from being maxed out my medical bills are just ugh piss me off then ih ave gas and my car and my car insurance and food its ugh its all to much to handle on a part time pay check im tired of living paycheck to paycheck but it is what it is and i will deal with it im still looking for a new job and im jsut hoping one will come my way but i know the economy sucks so i shoudl just b happy that i have a job in the first place u know what i mean

so yeah so my breakdown it was just bad but its being hidden for awhile and it just came out and it was ugh i was crying and all the boy did was hold me and we talk and i talked and its hard cause we have a good relationship he does so much for me i love him so much our relationship is strong even if ppl dont think so but i just wanna b perfect for him the perfect girlfriend i feel like i never do enough for him which he called me stupid over but u know it was just a bad breakdown i just want everything to b aight u know but we talked how he knew i wasnt doing well even though i tried to hide it cause i dont wanna put my problems on him i kept telling him i was ok and hes like no no ur not ok ur just not and hes rightim not ok and i will never b fully ok even though he wants me to b i tired to explain that to him and i think he gets its he udnerstandits a disease that its mental that is not my fault that i have it and hes starting to understand that it will alwasy b there in my head it never completely goes away he says i have to go at it head first and fight it b stronger but right now im not strong at all not even in the slightest but im trying im eating i see that as trying but i know im not eating enough hes trying to understand how im eating and not gaining weight he accused me of doing other things i didnt say i wasnt puking i just said im eating not enough but im eating and eating is hard enough for me as it is hes like all the girls i know like to eat its hard for them to stop eating and then u i cant get u to eat and hes right i cant eat i just eat i freak out so much i cant handle dinner ijust cant its so hard explaining that all to him hes like just eat it and lay down take a nap let it stick to u and im like no no no i cant do that ijust cant i dont like feeling full i dont like the food in me i just cant handle that and plus if i nap i wont sleep at nite and he knows that i barely sleep i look like shit hes not a fan of meds at all but he admitted last nite that i need them and in a higher dose cause really im worse now im getting worse i need more i need sleep aides i need add ones i cant concentrate on enthing at all even writign this is hard i have to have music on just to write it but he said he doesnt want anorexi girlfriend im liek u already ahve one im just not that small hes liek dont lose nemore weight u cant lsoe nemore i need something to hold onto ur boobs are like half the size and that bought us into the hole boob talk that was werid hes like u dont want them do u im like no i dont i dont want them big i just dont and hes looking at me like im nuts but we already established that i am nuts so thats nuttin new hes like i jsut want them back were they were i dont want them big just back and imjust starting at him as hes grabbing my waist and it hurts when he does that it hurts hes like i didnt mean to hurt me and he didnt he was just grabbing me like ne boyfriend would but me being me it hurts theres more i just cant remeber or concentrate nemore but he said i shoudl gain 10 lbs and with that i freaked the fuck out hes like its just 10 lbs u wont get fat u wont i dont want u so small i dont understand how u think i want u that small i will tell u if u get to big but he knows i will never ever allow myself to get big 10 lbs idk if i can do that i really dont u know how skinny 10 lbs is to me that means back to double digits which i dont want to go back we talked i said i woudl try more to eat more i would try hes like 3 meals a day im like what do u mean by meals hes like idk hes like what do u eat and i dont eat much i pretty much live off of veggies fruit cereal and soup some yogurt its not much at all hes like u cant live off of that u need real food and im just looking at him like real food hes liek chicken u like chicken and that bought on the hoel i cant touch raw meat talk im really crazy with that i cant touch it its all slimy and gooey and u have to cut off the fat i cant do it i cant even pick it up in the package hes like what bout me would u cook for me and i said yeah i would cook for u and hesl iek i like meat and im like i know i woudl do it for u hes like it doesnt make snese how u would do it for me but not for urself but it makes sense head whcih i know makes no snese to neone else but o well but i guess we said i woiuld eat chicken at least once during the week and its not including the day i eat with him but im not gonna do that right away cause a) i dont have money and 2) i cant fucking touch the stuff and he doesnt want me to buy the frozen stuff not good for u well thats at least the break down i scared him though cause i was crying and im like it hurts everything hurts i dont wanna b in my head nemore and he just laid down but hes head on my chest and just let me cry y does this disease have to suck so much y cant i just b ok y cant i b normal and happy and confident and be one of those girls who can eat with out freaking out who doesnt have to exercise so much how can acutally eat and not freak out about every fucking morsel of food that goes in there mouth its ridc im losing it completely and utterly lsoing it

o and if u were wondering 97 lbs thats me no i dont have a scale yet but im going oby the gym scale i went to the gym today did my workout burnt 686 cals then weighed myself had on knee high scoks, soffee shorts, sports bar, cami and long sleeve shit drank about 1/4 of my liter of water while working out and b4 workout had some candy corn and sweettarts and the scale read 98 lbs so i subtracted a lb so i subtract more do u think?

and i ordered my new phone today boy offered to get me a new phone as early xmas present since im due for an upgrade and my phone is ready to die i have verizon and i got the iphone 4s in white 16gb we tried to order it online but couldnt cause its undermy moms name so they canceled the order and we and mom went to the store today he gave me money but it wasnt in so they ordered it for me and have to pay when i pick it up i wasnt gonna get insurance on it cause i dont have the extra money but for some reason mom is being nice and she said she would pay the $10 insurance every month for me and i would just give her the data plan money so now i just have to wait for it to come in hopefully soon :)

and shes still being nice when i walked in from work on friday she was making her shopping list and she called me over and acutally said she would get me food first she just said my unsweetend lamond milk and then she said what else do u need so she got me milk my gluten free bread. canned peas, bags of frozen veggies, apples, honey bunches of oats vanilla and even soy yogurt i didnt ask for that but she got it and its like $1 for one yeah expesnivce but she was nice and bought it for me so now i dont have to go food shopping thank god i hate it i might make my soup again so i will have to go and get those ingreadients

wow this is prob getting long isnt it im sorry im jsut typing getting it out i have to workout i feel gross acutally ate some today yesterday all i ad was an apple some chips and candy corn i know not much at all but it happens i dont do it on purpose like alot of ppl think im not activily not eating i jsut forget to eat i acutally hate eating cause it hurts so bad u have no idea how much antacids i take on a daily basis to deal with the pain

ok i shoudl prob wrap this up but first my lil cousin turned 2 the other day i love those kids i got ot play with them 2 days last week it really helps i miss my lil munchkin though shes in preschool

ok pick time real quick sorry i dont have a pic for this week cause of my breakdown i looked like shit and we didnt do nething

but i have a pic of my outfit from last week and apic of my spine which needs to b out alot more god i need to lose weight

Monday, October 31, 2011


i cant waitt il i get my own computer for i can update whenever i want and i can finally get caught up on all ur blogs that im so far behind in ugh hopefully i will get a new one soon who knows

well happy halloween everyone

and i have snow yup snow in october im in new jersey and we had a bad snow storm on saturday that is still wrekcing havic it sucks trust me i still have power luckily (sorry mich hope urs comes on soon) but the town and everything is just a mess

we have over 6 inches its starting to melt but it was a heavy snow that bought down trees and power lines needless to say its been a mess since saturday

i had to work saturdayi went in at 11am and it was jsut starting to snow not sticking or nething yet but by the time i got at at 6pm it was a mess we acutally had to close the store at 6pm cause none of the closers could come in one girl tried but to many downed trees so most of the staff left at 5 when their shift was over so it left me my one coworkers and 2 managers thats it the one manager cleaned the fitting room other one was doing the drawers i was doing reg and my coworker was gettign the running done and fixing up the store it was that messy cause of the weather so yeah but god getting home i live right in town like 5-10 mins yeah it took me 25 mins to get home but first i had to clean off my car and i forgot gloves yeah i know im an idiot it happens my hands were so cold and shaking and i coudlnt feel that at all like completely numb and it took 4ever to get all the snow off cause like i said it was heavy i finally got int he car and put my hands right in front of the heater and omg did that hurt so bad the pain when ur getting feeling back is ouch

the town didnt reall do the roads yet i guess they werent expecting it to get that bad or soemthing idk the amll was just starting to do the parking lot when we were leaving and the mall lost power 3 times it would come on we would get the computers working and it would go out again 3 times yeah fun and it take 20 mins to get all the computers working again

but getting home omg u had to go slow casue the roads were snow and slush and just a mess i onlyh slide a few times not bad i have a ford focus and it has front wheel drive so that helped but it took 4ever to get home cause i hit 2 seperate road blocks the first one was a tree and stuff fell ona car driving and it caught on fire i dont know the rest of it and then the one hill was closed off so i had to go down a different hill that wasnt treated at all and that was fun not really and at the bottom of that hill there was this huge tree down but they didnt close off that road cause there really was no way to get home so all the cars were just driving around it very carefully there was a lil road left so yeah i made it home 25 mins later ugh craziness my mom and bro shovlled out my parking spot for me though so that was nice of them

the boy was suppose to go out saturday nite but he didnt cause of the weather so i went and got him and he leaves on my street but have to take the alley cause my road is one way and yeah i was going down the alley and this car was on my ass bright headlights and i hit something idk what but it was a huge bump huge idk what it was when me adn the boy were going back kdown the alley and we alooked and there wasnt enthing there so idk what i hit i coudlnt tell u butim ok and my car is ok i got stuck in the snow a lil but yeah that happnes

i had to work sudnayt hen all the roads were clear thank god but the raods that were closed saturday were still closed sunday so i had to take the long ass round about way to get to teh mall i was suppose to work 11-630pm um yeah the power went out at 1145 am customers were wating to c if it would come back on yeah it didnt so i was stuck with my coworkesr heloing me but the customers clothes in bags and hold stickers on them it was a mess we had to call the closers and tell them dont worry bout coming in no power it was am ess again we fianlly left at 1pm after got the drawers down and got out of the store had to use a road on the chain for the door and pull it then the manager had to roll out and we had to push the gate down yes its all run with electricy so that was fun we spent time sitting on the counters waiting to c if the lights came one they didint and it turns out the power didnt come back on til 5pm fun fun fun ugh i hate winter

the roads are still clsoed today ma's battery died so i had to take her running around
we went to kolhs first cause she wanted to look at some things and i looked in clearance section and i found 2 zip up hoodies and 3 sweaters all in smalls so they are a lil big but i got them for a total of $35 i saved like $173 dollars

here they are

we then went to target i got a new straigthner since mine died i have no luck but its pink and one sale and part of the proceeds go to breast cancer awareness so yey also go t abox of speical k cereal and some candy corn(im addcited i know i shoudlnt eat it)

we then went to shoprite were i got gluten free bread and my ingredients to make my tomato salsa soup which i did make after we got home and its all yummy i love that soup it kills my sotmach but i love it neway

i didnt get to go to the gym today cause i just didnt wanan risk it with all the roads closed and power outage i didnt wanna drive there and find out its closed my gym is in pa not to far away at all since i live right on the border but the high school over there is not to far away from the gym and they dont have power so i didnt risk i really need to work out cause im snacking on to much halloween candy i am gonna sit outside and help mom hand out candy trick or treat is from 5-8 i know 3 hours crazy i def wont make it that long out in the cold

o and here is my outfit from friday i dont know my weight ne guesses please i need to know

Sunday, October 23, 2011


im sorry im sorry im sorry for not updating but i really cant get on the computer much my bro is alwasy on hes so im stuck on the downstairs one with out ne privacy what so ever

this will just b a quick cause i have to go to work soon but ihave pics for u guys
um lets c my meds still havent kicked in yet im still dealing with some side effects not as bad though but i realized that u shoudlnt mix aleve with anitdepressants bad bad bad idea trust me i was naouses my body ached and my chest hurt for like 3 days after so i will have to find something else to take with it when i get my headaches

i went tot he gym few times since ive last updated
* oct 14- 65 mins elly(442) 40 mins bike (226)
* oct 15- 65 mins elly(439)
* oct 17- 65 mins elly(465)
* oct 20- 45 mins elly(324 35 mins bike (200)
* oct 23- 65 mins elly(465 35 mins bike(202)

my eating idk it depends on the day friday and sat i ate to much ate witht he boy my stomach still hurts and ih avent had a bowel movement in days its un comfrotable so im have to drink some fiber drink i tried eating extra dairy cause my body usually cant handle it so i go but thats not even helping ugh

my weight im not sure i weigh at the gym the other day it said 102 in knee high socks, soffee shorts, tank top, and tshirt that was on sat after eating way way to much friday so idk my real weight mayb 100 or mayb im even in double digits i coudlnt tell u i wish that i did know though

k pics


thursday(10/20/11) for the flyers game


i dont have time to read all the blogs that i am behind on so everyone how r u? what have u been up to? update me please