Saturday, July 31, 2010


so last nites date nite went pretty good i ate a lil bit more then i wanted but not on my own accord the boy made me ugh to him. we went to red robin and sat outside and of ourse i got cold so i had to put my sweat shirt on over my cute outfit but hey it kept me warm.

food at date nite
*3 mozzy sticks
*fries sahred the boys 2 baskets
*half my apple harvest chicken salad no cheese dressing on the side

i dint get dessert cause he made me eat the 2 extra mozzy sticks i was only going to have one to make him happy but he made me have 3 so ugh. afterwards we were standing outside my house him me and he fired just talking and hangin gout u know and i started to feelsick like weak tired and very run down. i kept swaying bakc ond forth and almost falling and stumbling idk if he noticed or not i doubt he did but i jsut sat down on the curb and my head keep bobing app i was tired very tired as well with the weak feeling.. when we finally went inside i almost fell but he caught me im clumbsy so i guess he didnt think nething about it. but we layed down and i told him i wasnt feeling well that i felt very run down hes like u just finsihed ur meds mayb it will take a few days idk. i was on antibotibics for 10 days so idk what the fuck is going on with me. but i ended up falling asleep curled up to hes side we didnt even do nething i didnt get to burn off dinner stupid body for being too tired

today i had to work from 9-130pm yes im at work again i know shocker isnt it ha. well there i was on my feet the hole time i try to stand as much as possible to burn those few extra cals but today i was on my feet the hole time. i did payroll, watered the plants, cleaned the mirrors, wiped down the tops of the tanning beds, did my bosses job cause he doesnt do it himself ugh, adn then i read a read chapters in shutter island

after work i went to the car wash no i didnt wash my car i just wanted to vaccum the inside of it im still to tired and weak to clean the hole inside. so i spent 8minutes and $2 vacuming out mycar at elast the inside isnt a diseaster nemore

then iwent to the gorccery store again cause i nneded more fruit. ieat so much of it that i have to go and get more all the time i went twice this week and i gotta go nesxt week to prob get more and to get the ingredients to make more tomato salsa soup. at the store got:

*3 peaches
*3 nectarines
*bag of grapes
*grilled chicken premade salad(lettuce, tomato, carrots, peppers,cucumbers andchicken)
*2 boxes of 100 cal popcorn
*countainer of sea salt cashews

i already cut up all the strawberries and put them in a countainer with splenda on them love them that way

idk how ima spend the rest of my day. idk if those girls are going to txt me today idk i kinda hope they dont i really just wanna b alone tonite im use to spending sat nites alone its like my thing

so if they dont txt me im goign to relax and read a bunch, also gotta look for a job because those jobs i foudn the other day idk where they went i saved the page in my fav list and they didnt work so ima look some more. also going to do some crunches and mayb air bike u know just spend time alone. prob watch tv or a movie as well

food log:
*few spoons of ice cream-?
*cup of hot promgrantegreen tea-0 cals
*bottle of water-0 cals

at work 9-130pm
*cup of honey dew-60 cals
*liter of water-0 cals
*vitamin water 0-0 cals

*im snacking on some cashews and i got 2 sport bottles of water sitting in front of me

for dinner im gong to have that chicken salad im guessing its 150 cals i might of over estmiated a lil but id rather over estmimate then under uknow wht i mean. and i will prob make some asparagus as well

Friday, July 30, 2010


so im jsut going to do a short update cause really not much happened today but i wanted to blog neway and also my outfit is really cute and i wanted to share it withu all

well im down to 101.6 yay for that finallly im getting closer to double digits and i cant wait. i miss being in double digits so much and i will get there again no matter what no1 is stopping me this time i wont allow them too.

tonite is date nite with the boy so that means dinner but im use to it by now since hes being taking me out every friday nite for awhile now. depending on where i go depnds on what i get so i will prob either get a salad, a wrap, or some grilled chicken with veggies. and mayb a lil dessert it makes him happy to c me eat dessert so i get some every once in a while. after i will just have to make him help me burn some calories off. he was the one that pointed out sex burns 400 cals or more so yeah gotta burn those cals and atleast sex is fun :) sorry tmi but o well

so i have friends yay lol sorry im not use to having real life friends but i got to know these 2 girls who come in tanning. and one even has minor food issues not as bad as me and say all of u guys but she knows about me so i dont have tohide it well i do from her firend but neway her friend came in tanning today and after she asked if i wanted to hang out sometime we her and the other girl. im like yeah that will b fun. shes like do u go to bars or drink. im like i dont drink nemore i have alil issue with that. shes like o well we can do something else we willt xt u sat or sun. so im excited about that and i hope they dont blow me off or nething

food log(so far)
*cup of cantalope-55 cals
*bottle of water-0 cals

at work 10-3pm
*liter of water-0 cals
*sobe life water0- 0 cals
*cup of honeydew-60 cals

and then dinner with the boy so i should end at a good amount of cals
i might have a few grapes soon though my heart is bothering me
last nite it got down to 52 bpm

k heres my outfit

Thursday, July 29, 2010


im starting to feel weak and tired again like i did the saturday b4 i got really sick so i hope tha im not getting really sick again. im almost outo fmy antibotics got 2 left so i take one at mindnte then one at 8am and then im all out soi guess we will c what happens after that then huh o well if i get sick again i get sick mayb i will lose more weight then. thats one good thing about being sick u lose weight yes

work sucked as always 2day mainly cause my boss is still being an ass and wont talk to me no hi or good morning or smile like i use to get he only talks to me when he has to its like fuck whatever. so my coworker that didnt show up yesterday finally txted me back yesterday saying that she wrote she could work that day months ago ane no1 ever said nething and she didnt look at the schedule so she didnt now. like fuck im not her mom shes 24 yrs old she needs to take responaiblity whodoesnt look at the scheudles we keep it int he same spot all the time and every time u clock in or out ur schedule is on the screen so she cant pull that shit with me fuck its like she expects every1 to do everything for her but she cant do enthing for us she always has an excuse its always something and of coruse she wont get in toruble witht he boss cause she cant do nething wrong in hes eyes and im the one that gets in trouble cause god forbid i coudlnt stay 4hours later after my shift was over i stayed an extra hour and half asit was i have a life i ahve things to do does he not understan that my life does not reolve around work even though im there all the time.

i vaccumed the hole place today and also did the mirrors in the room. and then i got bored and the boss left of course cause hes never there so i turned on soapnet(yes we have a tv ont he wall) and i watched the oc and one tree hill while workingo ut a lil. i just stood behind the counter rest my arms on it and kept moving my legs i was pretty much running in place but i kept my feet flat on the floor.

im dong laundry right now gotta clean the jeans since i live in jeans hahah and ijust braided my sis's hair. im going to look at the job webistes again today and try and get some working out in i cant wait til i can go tot he gym again

im down to 102.2 so the weight is coming off yay for that i cant wait for double digits i need them so much

food log:
*fruit bowl-135 cals
*1/2 cup blueberries-40 cals
*20 grapes-40 cals
*cup of cantalope-55 cals
*cup of hot green tea with promgrante-0 cals
*bottle of water-0cal

at work 10-330pm
*liter of water- 0cals
*vitamin water0-0 cals
*cup of tomato salsa soup-57 cals

4 om snack/meds
*liter of water(still working on it)-0cals
*apple-60 cals
*fruit snacks-50 cals

dinner(having it soon this is what is planned)
*ceaser salad-200-250 cals
*6 asparagus spears-20 cals
*cup of hot tea-0 cals
*water- 0 cals

ima drink alot more tea and water tonite ih avent been drinking enough and ineed to start drinking alot more

found a pic of how i want my chest bones to look yes im obsessed iknow and ilove this pic i would want mine out a lil more u know but neway

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


so i weighed myself this morning hoping that i didnt gian ne weight after my binge yesterday and i did i gained 6 ounces ew gross i went form 102 to 102.6 over night so gross i need to get back down and then get to double digis like asap. i weight myself after my second shower at 430pm and the scale said 103.2 so i barely even gained a lb thru out the day with my eatinga drinkng so thats good hopeing to b back to 102 tomm god i hope so

and u have no idea how bad i want my chest bones our right now thats my next goal to get them out lines and lines of them and my boobs need to get smaller. i got my colloar bones out pretty good adn u can c my sternum sometimes but its not very promient or nething so i need to work on that. i have a halter top on now and i was thinking go how amazing would it look if all my chest bones were out it would look just fucking perfect so i need to figure out how to get them otu and get them out fast i need as many bones out as i can get

i ended up being stuck at work hour and half longer then i was suppose to thanx fucking cowokrer for not showing up ro calling or answering ne of my million and one calls ass fuck of a mother fucker i was only suppose to work til 1 today i didnt leave til 230 my boss had to cover cause i had to go wed shifts are breaking up inot 3 shifts 10-1. 1-5, 5-8 i do 10-1 and di does 5-8 the one cowker usually does 1-5 but coudlnt this week so the other one said she would but of course she didnt show up i called her every 10 minutes and she didnt pick up or answer ugh im so down with her she does this all the time and its fuking fucked up

i did get some walking in at work well not walking walking but i was lifeguarding for about hour and half so i was on my feet and walking the hole time the first time was from 10-11 and it was 13 kids form the day care down the road and then the second 11-1130 just some regualrs come in to swim their laps like the nomrally do they come 3 times a week i usually sit and just zone out while they are swimming but i had to clean up the pool deck fomr the kids

me and the boy were going to go to philly today to go watch a phillies game but he coudlnt find ne good tickets int he price range he wanted so he told me to go to the atm take out some money and get myserlf the fruit and drinks that i want so i did

first i went to target got a 24 pack of poland springs water, 3 vitamin water 0's, 3 sobe lifewater 0's, 120 count box of crayons, cough drops, robitussin(yes still coughing) and 3 books. yes 3 books i have an addiction and i know that but i just cant help it they call to me. i have a nice pile of books that ih ave to read yet cause i buy like 3 at a time and then just pile them up cause im still work on all the books i got from amazon a lil while though. k got "smashed: story fo a drunken childhood" koren zailckas, "the short second life of bree tanner" stephenie meyer, and "love you hate you miss you" elizabeth scott.

then after target went to shoprite for i could get some fruit got:
*bag of green apples
*bag of green grapes
*bundle of asparagus
*cantalope(got the already cut up kind
*honeydew(same already cut up)

i also got 2 prepackaged salads. my gorcery store has a section were they have salads that they made up and put out to buy u can also get sandwhichs made at the deli adn they have soup. i bought 2 salads one for dinner tonite and one for dinner tomm. got garden salad(going to take off the cheese and egg) so im guess its around 100 cals and then ceaser salad(going to take out olives) prob around 200-250 cals. the salads dont have th edressing out them at all so u can use whatever dressing u want yay for that

so now im sitting here just watching gilmore girls ima prob do some crunches or air bike later to getsome exercise in

i hop emy heart listens today it either beats way to fast of way to slow last nite it was 52 bpm which si low i ended up falling asleep cause i put music on cuase heart really was bugging me but yeah i wokr up in hour later to it pouding out of my chest like literally i put my hands on my ribs and i could feel it

food log
*cup of hot promgrante grean tea-0 cals
*half bottle of water-0 cals
*apple-60 cals
*whole wheat english muffin-100 cals

at work 10-230pm
*liter of water
*cup tomato salsa soup-57 cals
*13 sweet tarts -60 cals

4pm snack(need to take my meds)
*10 grapes-20 cals
*13 sweet tarts-60 cals

dinner-this is the plan i havent eaten it yet though
*garden salad-100 cals
*5 sprays of dressing -5 cals
*6 asparagus spears-20 cals

im going to drink more water and tea thru out the nite
also took 9,271 steps today which burnt 231 cals

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


"stupid fat gross disguisting pathetic fat ass mother fucker never going to get skinny or get to perfection if u keep eating like that u fat ass get back on track stop that candy fat ass"

gotta love my voices yes that was my voices this morning i just wanted to say omg just shut the fuck up already i know i fucked up fucking hell just shut up fuck. but i know that the voices are there to help me and they are right im nver gonna get skinny if i keep eating the way i did today ugh fat ass

i had a freak out this morning idk what possessed me to eat a half a box of movie theater sweet tarts but i did i felt a lil better after i did all the bath and figured out the cals but still ugh but heres the mathe 13 pieces=60 cals which is one serving there was 11 servings in the box so 11 times 60 =660cals for home box so divide that by 2 u get 330 cals. the only good thing is that sweet tarts dont have fat cals in them so yay for that and i calmed myself donw saying that i can stay under 800 ive been trying to stay between 400-500 cals lately but i do have a max limit of 800 cals after i go past 800 i freak out even more which isnt fucking good at all casue my freak outs are bad

last nite me and the boy went to the movies we saw inception. the movie was really good very interesting but also a lil confusing u have to really pay attention and i wanna c it again for i can notice things i didnt notice the first time around u know what i mean. well i have the rewards card for the movie theater so we ended up getting a free small popcorn and then since we went on a monday we get a box of candy for $1. the boy ended up getting nachos i just got my free small popcorn and my $1 candy and a large bottle of water. i [ut the candy inmy purse didnt touch them at all last nite i didnt touch them til this morning. i did eat half of my popcorn though im addicted to popcorn though and i skipped dinner that nite for i coudl have the popcorn

today i worked 10-4 i tried to stay on my feet most of the day even if i didnt hav enething to do i stood neway. i still get weak and tired quicker then usual cause of my sickenss soi do have to sit form time to times but i was proud of myself for standing as much as i did. sicnei cant exercise i gotta get all i can so standing instead of sitting walking around u know every cal counts so yay for that. i did clean alil just not as much as i did yesterday but i stood more today then i did yesterday

after work had my lil cousins again today they make me so happy and we dont have them the rest of the week but i was happy that i got to c them 2 days in a row so i had them from like 415-615ish so about 2 hours and we played prettymuch the hole time me and the 8month old walked around alot hes starting to walk while hold my hands so he always wants to go and we also went out side withhes 4 yr old sister we walked around and played toss across also played on the slide so got alil workout there as well

ima start doing air bike everynite well try to do it everynite thanx buddy for the suggestion it was a great idea and i love it ur the best and also crunches as well. ima try and go back to the gym next week hopefully god i hope i can cause im going fucking crazy not being able to workout

so i finished my bottle of robutisin today and i finished my bag of cough drops yesterday i still have few days left on my antibotics and i think my nasal spray will b done tomm. im starting to get a sore thorat god i hope that im not gonna get sick all over again cause my meds are running out

food log
*1 and half bottles of water-0 cals
*cup of hot grean promgrante tea-0 cals
*cup of cantalope-55 cals
*dry blueberry special k-100 cals
*half box sweet tarts-330 cals

at work 10-4pm
*liter of water-0 cals
*sobe lifewater 0- 0 cals
*cup of tomato salsa soup-57 cals

with kids 415-615pm
*bottle of water-0 cals
*6 bites of choc-?

*cup of tomato salsa soup-57 cals
*6 asparagus spears-20 cals
*bottle of water-0 cals
*cup of hot grean promgrante tea- 0 cals

i have to eat again at midnite to take my antibotics so i will just have an apple(60) then hopefully the boy wont make me eat more

Monday, July 26, 2010


well idk not much really happened today im exhausted but thats nuttin new at all u know what i mean ugh

i had to work today from 10-3 and i coudlnt sit down becauase the boss was doint interviews and he would show the possilbe new ppl around and it would look bad if i was sitting there reading so i had to keep myself busy so i swept the floors, cleaned the front and back counter, cleaned the lotion displays and santized all the door knobs

then after work i came home to my lil cousins i love thems o much but fuck at they tiring i had them frim 3-7pm. 4 yrs old adn 8 month old the 8 month old never sits still ever nemore hes always crawling everywhere and pulling him self up and then he wants to walk to u gotta hold hes hands and walk with him he can take like 2 steps by by himself but then he falls so gotta b constantly watching him and then the 4 yro ld just wants to play all the time so we went out side played toss across and hide the bean bags we alos colored for awhile(that was great cause got to lay down but it killed my ribs laying there but ot well), i made her a bracelet cause she wanted one so i had to make her one cause really cant say no to her. we all went on a walk together too around the block so 4 yr old was wlaking next to me of course and i was carring the baby.

i got myself a good work out in today just doing that and thats all i can do caue im so exhausted right now. my chest and heart were bothering me all day and my hole body is just sore but im dealing with it

i had a few comments todya one tanning client said "god u lost more weight" shes knows that ive been really sick and she always ask how im doing but today the first thing out of her mouth was about my weigh ti just smiled and nodded and u know avoided it.

then my sis. i have her walk on my back cause it cracks it and stretches the muscles out adn she cause" i can feel every bone in ur spine and back and i feel like im hurting u"

then my mom i measure out my food and she was in the kitch today while i was making my breakfast and packing my lunch and she goes " u and ur measuring jsut put some on ur plate"

do they not understand that i just cant do that its not possilb ei gotta meausre for i know that i have the exact amount and nutting over ugh ppl these days ha

so my period ugh its not really back per say im just spotting but not alot at all eight its like barely nething but yeah im jsut going to ignore it and not worry about we will c what happens nextmonth

food log
*cup of hot grean tea with promgrante
*half bottle of water
*whole wheat enlgish muffing-100 cals
*cup of cantalope-55 cals

at work 10-3pm
*bottle sobe life water0
*liter and half water
*cup of tomato salsa soup-57 cals
*apple-60 cals

with the kids 3-7pm
*bottle of water
*apple-60 cals
*4 pieces of chopped up boiled potaotes-?
*2 lil spoons of ice cream(had to share with munchin)-?

i havent had dinner yet and im thinking im just gonna skip it and just have something a tt he movies with the boy we are going to go c inception tonite

Sunday, July 25, 2010


102.2 102.2 102.2 yay yay ayay yaya hehehehehe

ima get in so much trouble for that number since im not suppose to go under 103 but godim so happy and i cant wait for it to go lower and lower and lower yes so excuted and happy loved thescale this morning usually i hate it cause it goes up or it doesnt budge but fuck yeah it went down this time about fucking time yay so so so so so happy :)

so i realized today when i was laying in bed not able to sleep that my period wasnt normal at all this month. it came on thrusday like nomral but it wasn theavy and i wasnt crampy or nething it was light way lighter then it should of been and then it went away and it was either not there at all or i was just spotting a lil. idk if my body was just to sick to b able to handle it or if its fomr the anitboitcs or if its something else completey. it cant b from my eating habits cause im on the pill so no mattter how lil i eat it still cmoes trust me when i got down to my low weight it was still come on time andd normal. but this month it just isnt at all so idk what to htink about it.

i went to michales today and deicded to buy a shit load of jewerly stuff heheh. i got 2 nice size cases of beads, 2rolls fo 25 meter.5mm elastic, 2 things of 3mm suede cord, and 2 differnt tihngs of letters. the letters one r silver and more nice looking and the others are diferent colors and more fun,

and then i went tot he dollar store and got 5 coloring bookins and a 48 pack of crayons

have u guys ever noticed tha the things we do to distract ourselves or to keep our heads sane and calm r the kinda things that childs do. i realized that last nite i have nutting wrong with it its just something i realized. i love coloring and i love making bracelets it keeps me so calm and everytthing

today ive been making braclets for god idk how long i just keep going i made osme last nite too ima post pics for u guys can c. they are mostly beaded ones. but i did make some with sayings. in case u cant read they say "love" "relax" "believe"

food log so far:
8am-meds and apple(60) and some water

while i was making jewlery
* 2 liters of water
*2 cups of hot tea promgrante berry
* choc chips-70 cals

4pm- meds an apple(60) and some water

idk what ima do for dinner or nething yet but i wil l figure that out later
my tongue feels kinda swollen either that or my throat idk but it feels weird

my bracelets

Saturday, July 24, 2010

7/24/10 continued

sincei haveno life since im sick and noone will let me do nething id figured i would update again cause im bored.

work sucked like it always does it wasnt busy which is a good thing but it still sucked cause my boss is an asswipe of a dick fucker drives me insane ugh. i fund out that ocme sept he doesnt want us wearing jeans nemore he wants us in khakis which is stupid i work at a tanning salon its suppose to b layed back and relaxed u know what i mean god. he owns a tanning salon/diveshop/aquatic center and he wants us to lookmore professinal like really he already makes us wear shirts ugh at least they are comfy and say salon staff or a lotion brand the other just says tanning on it and they are comfy. 2 are baby tees and the other one is like a cheering shirt or workout shirt u know what i mean but khakis really hes losing hes mind i work 7 days a week i dont have the money to buy a whole new wardrobe just to wokr there like fuck he doesnt pay me enough barely above miniium wage ugh ass and ima tell him hes crazy when he tells us that as well ugh

so ive been home form work for about 2 and half hours nowspent some time on dp and then im slowly cathcing up on all the updates from the fanfics i read. im bored and going crazy being in the house. the boy said theat i might b able to c him tomm if im doing ne better god can i please feel better tomm. my sis says i still look pale sick so ugh he will prob take one look at me and turn around adn go back home fucking sickness i tell ya

me and my sis just went on a dunkin donuts run i really wanted a drink and then we also stopped at wawa and got some food yes i said food dont worry its healhty. ended up geting a prepackeaged salad there and u can pick out ur own dressing so yay and a fruit cup

so far today had- 240 cals that incuded the breakfast and the fruit bar i had ealry from my other post

this is the paln for the rest of the day
*large dd unsweetened iced tea-10 cals
* chicen ceaser salad(lettce, white chicken meat, garlic croutons and parmesan cheese)- 240 cals
*dressing raspberry vinaigrette-1 packette is 45 cals i will porb only use quarter of it but i will say half just in case- 22.5 cals
*my fruit cup is apples with caramel dipping sauce- whole thing is 210 cals- i will def eat all the apples with is what prob 100 cals at most but def wont eat all caramal i usually just dio the apple in a lil so we will say half so 210/2= 105 or so i know the caramle is most of the cals since an apple isnt that many cals

so if i stick with the paln i will end at 627.5 cals :)
the apples im saving for alter just going to eat my salad now
my mom also bought my fave ice cream choc chip cookie dough i might let myself have some later mayb we will c how i feel i dont want to freak out since i cant exercise or nething my exericse these days consist of crunches on my bed cant do them on the floor hurts spine too much and then air bike which i also do on my bed

i took more pics this morning 2 acutally both of my stomach one of my laying flat and one of my turned to side a lil i lov emy ribs i always have i just wish they would stick out that much when im standing neway thers the pics


so i decided with the whole job search thing that im just going to apply neway. i fi find a job that i like that interest me that im going to apply regardless of if i meet al the requirments mayb they will acutally give me a chance then u know i just have to keep going keep plugging along

yesterday was just blah i was doing good food wise thru out the day and i even went out and bought this cute outfit for date nite with the boy cause i thought he was going to actually let me out of the house. the only time i left the house this week was to go to work. well nwas i worng i got holw from work got showered adn all dressed did my hair and makeup even painted my nails well i had to paint them they look gross with outnail polish. i even had an hour to spare so i deicded to lay down and relax while listening to music. he calls me at 7 saying that hes just going to eat at home with hes mom that im still to sick to do nething and eh doesnt want to get sick. so he wants me to stay home in bed and relax and take my meds and get better. hes on vacation next week and he said he wants to spend sunday-sat with me. he even madeplans monday he wants to go tothe movies to c inception and wednesday he wants to go into philly to go watch a baseballe game. i know i shouldnt of been mad last nite cause i do get to c him but i was mad and sad adn depressed. i cried for like an hour whihc is not me i nomrally dont handle my emotions well hence my i self harm so much its my way of dealing with them but neway i cried for anhour which made my heart and breathing even worse. i didnt even wanna eat even though i know i had to but i didnt want to at all i just wanted to disappear. but at another hour of my hear freaking out i decided to eat and let myserlf have a lil snakc

i even worked out a lil as well eventhough im not suppose to/ my best friend/coworker yelled at me yesterday after work cause she foudn out i was doing crunches shes like "dani no crunches no runningin ur room none of ur crazy exercises ur gonna dir ur rly sick already and ur heart cant handle nemore its gonns stop and ur gonna die and i cant handle that u cant leave me." yeah i know i should listen to her but u guys know how it is u juts hace to no matter what the number on the scale going done the bones comeing out thats what matter. well my workout last nite consistend of 40 minutes i alternated between doing curnches and air bike it felt god to do a lil wokrout my chest hurt so bad though and my heart was beating so fast that it was making it hard to breathe but i did it neway

after that i decided to watch "the runaways" i fell in love with this movie i love every moive kristen stewart makes though she def is my fav actress shes amazing with what she cant do. im prob going to watch the movie again today

food log yesterday 7/22/10
*liter of water
*danon light an dfit diabetic yogurt-45 cals
*specioal k blueberry-100 cals

at work 10-3pm
*2 liter of water
*cup of popcorn

*bottle of water

*green beans-100 cals
*whole wheat english muffin-100 cals
*choc chips-70 cals

*choc chiip cookie dough ice cream-?

do u guys have ne idea how tiring it is to take meds having to wake up every few hourse to tak something this is my bed schedules for today
8am-amoxicillion and nasal spray
10am-cough medicine and cough drop
2pm-cough medicine and cough drop
4pm antibotics
6pm cough medince and cough drops
10pm cough medicne and cought drops
12am-antibotics and nasal spray
2am-cough medicine and cought drop

then i wake up at 8am and do it all overagain its very tiring

today i have to walk 12pm-4om and i was going to try a walk after wokr just to c how my lungs chest and heart do but yeah i cant now cause its suppsoe to b so hot with the temo and humity plus heat index it cold fee lke its 105 degress which is just crazy as fuck

so i guess after work ima just come hom to my bed ugh im tired of my bed mayb i will job search or watch runaways again i will prob read to im addcited to reading

food log so far
*danon light and fit diabetic yogurt-45 cals
*blueberry special k-100 cals
*few chci chips-40 ish cals
*and also working on drinking a liter of water

i didnt eat with my midnite medslike i was suppose to so i my heart was really bothering me this morning so i had to eat a lil more then i wanted to

i think for dinner today i might do a salald and fruit bowl
at work ima bring a fruit bar or granola bar with me just in case i need nething

well yesterday i took a pic of y outfit that i was going to wear and also a pic of my back after my shower. im going to post both i loved my outfit i hope u guys love it too and my back ugh i wish my bones were out way more

Thursday, July 22, 2010


so today started off with me falling to the ground twice yes twice in one hour ugh. the first time was a lil after 7 am i got up out of bed to go shower i took a few steps and then bam im on the ground i got so dizzy and my legs were like jello and the next thing i know im on the ground i didnt pass out of faint or nething i just fell down i guess my body just coudlnt keep me upright nemore. is at there for a minute then i got up. i walked very to the bathroom well tried to cause i was just all over the place i coudlnt walk straight at all i kept almost falling over it was bad. i did manage to get a shower and get dressed with out falling over i acutally stared to feel a lil better not as jello leggy and weak and then yup there was the second time

i walked downstairt i kept walking into the walls im surprised i dont have bruises but neway i made it to the kitchen i got my yogurt and granola out fo rmy breakfast and also my apple out to cup up for lunch well i didnt actuallly get the appl all the way out i was standing there trying to close up the bag and yup i was down on the ground again i just fell

i dont know y i kept doing it but i did i didnt black out or faint but i guess my body was just to tired to stay standing and i guess my equalibrium was off as well casue that causes that as well. i was having ear aches so yeah ugh

i managed tomake it thru the rest of the day with out falling though so yay for that im proud of myself

im am starting to feel a lil bette. im not as tired and my coworker and mom said im starting to get color back into my cheeks so hopefully the medicine is wokring now. im getting massive headaches now though so bad i took 4 aleve already today as well as my meds so yeah. my hole body hurts like everything hurts. im coughing so much like way more then b4 my ribs and chest and sternum hurt so bad i swear ima crack them or pop them out of place or sometihng if the coughing keeps going. im notcoughing as much at the moment but i have been sitting and not doing much so yeah i cough more when im at work and constantly moving.

i spent a good part of today trying to find a new job but im not having much luck like how am i not qualified for nething but the scumbags who just waste away their lifes and dont wanna do nething can get a job so easily like fuck i have my associates degree in applied science accounting management and i cant find nething. im looking at accouting jobs, secretarial, admin, human resource pretty much nething that i can get full time with benefits. everything i c they want u to hav experince or like i found alot of tihngs for hopsitals but they also want to to have medical knowledge like rly. i c ppl working thre an di know they never went to school for it so y can ti find nehting

im getting frustrated i cant stay at my job forever im barley making it i work so much im currently doing 2 weeks straight i have off on sudnay and then i do 2 weeks again and i only get paidd $8.25 and hour wihc is fucking pathetic i live pay check to paycheck i work close to 40 hours a week sometime and this job is suppsoe to b part time

i guess ijust have to keep looking and try and not give up but its just so hard u know

on a good note i finished "before i fall" lauren oliver it was amzing u guys have to read it turst me it sucks u in and makes u not want to put it down

food log:
*cup of hot green tea mango-0 cals
*bottle of water-0 cals
* 2 yogurts-80 cals
*2 handful granola-40 cals

at work 10-3pm
*2 liters of water-0 cals
*vitamin water 0-0 cals
*cup tomato salsa soup-57 cals
*apple-60 cals

at home looking for job/ reading 4-7pm
*2 cups hot promgrante berry green tea-o cals
*1 1/2 liters water-0cals
*3/4 cup dry blueberry special k cereal-100 cals
*3 handful chips-?

*1/2 liter water
*choc chips-70ish cals
*cup of tomato salsa soup-57 cals
*6 asparagus spears-20 cals
*green beans-15 cals

i atemore then i wanted to today ima try and do crunches later hopefully since im feeling a lil better i can get seom curnches in b4 my heart starts beating way to fast and then i cant breath

Wednesday, July 21, 2010


heres the tomato salsa soup recipe if ne1 is interested


* Tomatoes, red, ripe, canned, whole, no salt added, 4 can- I used 5 small fresh tomatoes

* Herb Ox Sodium Free Chicken Granulated Bouillon, 6.5 tsp- got the sodium free packetts

* Lea & Perrins, Worcestershire Sauce, 3 tsp

* California Vegetables, frozen, 2 packages (16 oz)

* Garlic, 1 clove- i used garlic powder i just dumped some in i like garlic so i used alil more

* Onions, raw, 1 large

* Oregano, ground, 1 tbsp - i used oregano leaves couldnt find ground

*Sandwhich Toppers Hot Chopped Peppers 1 tablespoon

* Salsa, 1 cup-ne kind u want

Add the chicken broth, worcestershire sauce, hot peppers, and spices into a large pot.

inorder to make the chicken broth u need to boil 6 cups of water and then add it to the pan with the 6 buillion cubes, 6 packetts or 6 tsb

cut up the tomatoes and onion as small or as big as u want

Add the tomatoes and other vegetables into the pot and get to boil.

u dont have to cook the veggies frist they cook in the pot with everything else

Once boiling put on simmer for 10-15 minutes. After that take off heat and let stand for 10-15 minutes.

make sure u stir it while its cooking

After that serve and enjoy. Makes 12 servings

Nutritional Info
Servings Per Recipe: 12

Amount Per Serving

Calories: 57.0

Total Fat: 0.2 g

Cholesterol: 0.0 mg

Sodium: 191.4 mg

Total Carbs: 10.3 g

Dietary Fiber: 2.8 g

Protein: 1.8 g

it acutally taste very good i froze 6 cups of it to eat at antoher time and i kept the other 6 cups in the fridge to eat this week i just measure out a cup and stick in in the microwave for min and half and its perfect heat for me

i hope u all enjoy if u have ne questiosn u know where to find me

so i just woke up from my nap and i figured i should post about how today went. i hope i am able to still sleep tonite with my nap but ive been sleeping more since ive been sick ive been so run down its just crazy

at work i have to sit every few often of i feel like ima fall all. now add headaches and eat aches to my list of things wron gwith me and an occasional sore throat it seems like im fucking getting worse but i know u sually have to get wrose until u get better. but there was one time at wrok that i really though i was just gonna drop i sat down tot eat my lunch i got up to help someone a swear blacked ou for like a second and my legs whre like jello i hate it. and then i try to do soemthing and my heart just go crazy which then causes me to have evenmore trouble breathing. my ribs are in constant pain from my coughing they hurt so bad the from and the side and the back all kill me my shoulders my chest everythng just hurts i guess all the coughing is taking its toll on me.

im so cold its july and im in sweatpants a longsleever shirt and a sweat shirt yes i do have my moments where i do get how but im more cold then how right now so ugh

i had to go to target again today i needed cough drops so whil ei was there got a box of speical k blueberry cereal and bottle of nail polish i really have to redo my nails im just to weak at times to even think abou tit uknow what i mean

i ended up eating a lil more then i planned stupid me ugh
food log:

*bottle of water-0cals

at work 10-3pm
*2 liter bottles of water-0cals
*2 sport bottle of water-0cals
*handful of popcorn-?
*tomato salsa soup 1 cup-57 cals
*apple-60 cals

snack-4pm- i gotta eat lil something with my meds
*2-kosher pickles-0cals
*dots-150ish cals

*handufl of chips-?
*tomato salsa soup-57cals
*6 asparagus spears-20 cals

*lil vanilla ice cream with golden crisps cereal on top-?

midnite-have to take my meds again then in like an hour
*few grapes

Tuesday, July 20, 2010


just got back fro m my doctor visit i left work 3 hours early today to go my one coworker my best friend actaully came in on her day off for like 45 min unitll my other coworker coudlnt get there to cover the lil time left on my shfit and thent he rest of her shift

i wore heavier shoes and drank and ate right b4 the docs and the scale said 107 lbs and they didnt question that dont u love my docs im 5'5 24 yrs old and weight 107 lbs well techncallly 103 lbs but yeah they just think its normal

my blood pressure was 130/80 guess tahts a lil high but i have high blood pressure

well neway the doc came in checke dmy lungs heart ears and nose also took my temp it was 97 which is lil low not bad but i was could it turns out that i dont have pneumonia like everyoen thought i did i just have a post nasal drip and an extremmly fast heart rate. the drip is causing my cough and chest pains/congustions so ihave meds for that i gotta do a nasal spray twice in each nostirl 2 times a day he also gave me antibotics which i have to take every 8 hours til they are gone and he told me to drink plenty of fluids more water he said specifically. when he checked my heart i told him its been bothering me and yeah he checked it and it was beating so fast hes like yeah that is beating fast he didnt say enthing else though

so guess what everyone im fine i know i should of got stuff for my depression and anxiety while i was there but yeah im not ready to let that secret out yet and they took my blood pressure over my long sleeve shirt so yeah they didnt even c my scars so yay for that

i txted the boy most of th emoirng told him about my appt what time it was what the doc said and he said good and make sure u take ur meds and i told him i was going to go to target and then stop get an icee then go home and relax he said ok tttyl im sure we will get more in depth in the convo later when he calls me b4 he goes to bed

so after docs i went to target need shampoo and conditioner and i usually buy the biolage one cause its theo nly one that doesnt make my hair fall out more but i didnt have an extra $40 to spend on this tose alone so i got treseme on $5 per bottle much better. also got some face wash and a nother bottle of my one a day sour gummy vitamins. then got 4 sobe life water 0's and a bag of lifesaver gummies sour( wante da lil treat. i also bought the runaways i i love kstew and i didnt get to c the when it was out in theaters cause yeah samll town it didnt come out here so ima watch it sometimes day. o and yeah since im 5 yrs old i got myself a pakc of silly bands the disney kind goofy is my fav so i had to get them i also stopped on the way home and got a small cheery icee been craving one

i hate being sick cause i cant work out at all so no gym for me for awhile til im better so ima try and eat a lil less to make up for that and do crunches in my room

so food log so far today

*oatmeal-120 cals
*small cup promgrante blueberry juice-50 cals

at work 10-2pm
*bottle of water
*1 cup of tomato salsa soup(made it myself)-57 cals

*cherry icee-100 cals
*life saver gummies sweet and sour-prob aroun 200ish

Sunday, July 18, 2010


hey guys im sorry ihavent been around for a couple days been up and down and sideways and backwards lol my ehad has been everywhere its like im fighting amillion different parts of me and one never wins they just keep fighting back and forth pulling me all in 40 million fucking different ways

but neway i deicded that im not going to fight it nemore theres no need to fight it the more i fight it the sicker or worse i get so im just going to let it run its course if my ed gets worse then it gets worse if i recover then i recover if i start eating more but throw up then so be it, i cant fight allt he sides of me nemore and not fighting them is easier to just let everything go witht he flow day by day. fighting it takes to much out of me so yeah not fighting it nemore i think fighting it acutally makes me sicker if ijust let it go let it do what it wants if i listen tot he voices and the different sides mayb i will find some happiness somewhre i know this is crazy and i know u guys will think that im crazy that im not gonna fight my ed nemore that im just gonna let it run its course but i though alot about this and its the best thing for me and if u wanna judge me for it and call me stupid or say that im killing myself faster this way then go ahead causei dont care this is what i decided is best for me so ima just stick to it

i dont think i will ever b able to fully recover though because no matter what i will never like the way i look and i will always think that a few more lobs wont hurt that i could lose mroe weight and more weight and not to mention that im addicted to exercise so even if im eating more i will still b exercising alot so yeah

and idk mayb i will go c a therapist at some time when im ready when i can pay for it idk im csared of what the therapist might dig up from the back of my mind wha i have locked away and dont even remember u know that scares the shit out of me

im sick again i know no shocker there but it started yesterdayi just felt so weak andi could barely lift up my feet so i drug them around trhe hole 8 hours i worked and yes i was on my feet for a good 6 hour those hours i just dragged them and if ppl didnt like the noise then o well i didnt fucking care. i though thatmayb i just needed to eat a lil more at dinner have more cals and then i would b ok so dinner i made some brown rice glutton free noodles and 3 pieces of garlic bread i made me on white bread cause i didnt have wheat i ate the garlic bread and like half the noodles also had some ice cream and cookeis i worked out too after cause i felt so full i ran in my room for like 20 mins or so not all at one time just in like intervals then i also ran sprints inthe halfway up and down for 15 min straight. and i was feeling ok just hot but not great i layed down in my room and i felt so bad i felt so weak and tired and my heart was bugging the fuck out of me i ended up sleeping alot since the boy went out last time but evefrything i would wake up i would wake up gasping for air and sweatin i mean like dripping in sweat which is weird cause i had the ac on high and im always cold when i do that but yeahi was literally dirpping in sweat and my throat started hurting

then today i wake up once again dripping in sweat i get up take a shower and get ready for work i notice that i cant even take 2 steps with out gasping for air and t hats how it was all day i coudlnt talk ro walk far with out being out of breathe its like i coudlnt breathe like i coudlnt get enough air in me no matter what and its still like t hat. my ribs hurt so bad and if i bend over my left side hurts. my chest is also killing me its ok cuase im laying down right now but when i was at wrok and when itook a lil walk to the conrner store it was on fire. my ehart is bothering me it keeps beating funny and then it hurts like acutally hurts like pain i know that might soudns weird but to me it auctally hurts. idk y im like this idk how i got so sick or y im so sick idk y my breathing is so hard my clients at work noticed i was having trouble breathing they said i shoiuld so tot he hospotal but im not not yet at least im laying down im resting yeah its all still bothering me but im ok i can handle this.

after work i stopped at the lil conveint store to get a drink and some lunch and then i went home wheni got home i walked a block tot he lil corner store to get a snack for later yeah that walk took alot out of me. now im just layign here realxiong reading and wathcing tv gonna job search some more later

food log:

*bottle of water
*handful of grapes-?

at work 9-140pm
*half a large dunkin donuts iced tea unsweetned-5
*2 bottles of water-0

*blueberry iced coffe-100
*small french veggie soup-guessing around 100-150 cals
*water-0 cals

at work i spetn the time cleaning very slowly sundays we clean the hole store but i had to take my time doing it since i could barely walk but i managed to vaccum and mop the lockerrooms and classroom, cleaned all 4 bathrooms, vaccumed the dive side and then vaccum and mop the tan side.

during th elil walk to the store i got a box of dots(chewy fruity candy things) and a bag of york peppermint pieces imight just snack on those later or imight make myserlf a small helahty dinner it depends on how im feeling.

so im auctally thinking about going back to school online of course i dont think i can handle going to a big college or univerity. i already have my associates degree in applied scince accounting managemtn. iknow the smart thing to do would b to get my bacholars degree in that but really i dont lik eit i didnt like it fromt eh beignning but my community college didnt offer much at that time so i went with it. so im thinking about doing something differnt im was looking on the univeristy of phoenix webiste last nite they have alot of programs and degrees that u can do online and i have a few that interest me they are:

*Bachelor of Science in Psychology

*Bachelor of Science in Health Administration with a concentration in Health Information Systems

*Bachelor of Science in Health Administration with a concentration in Health Management

*Bachelor of Science in Business with a Concentration in Human Resource Management

idk i think thats all theones i was looking at idk their could bm ore i want something interesting and someting challenging at the same time im leaning more towards psychology it just seems fun and interesting

i know i can find a job a fulll time entry level job eventaully and i can work my way up while getting a degree in sometihng else even i fi dont use the degree u know

ive also been kinda throwing around opening my own businesss like a bookstore i love books and i love reading

as u can tell im all over the place i dont relaly know what i wanna do yet im just u know letting my mind wonder and seeing where it takes me

Thursday, July 15, 2010


so im trying to do better but inall reality im not im not at all im falling apart literally everything is slipping away againim losing control its taking over completely and iknow thats not a good thing cause i will die from it my ed will kill me and i have excepted that fact if i had to estimate it if i keep going the way i am im lukcy if i would make it to 30 fuck even 26 would b a miracle i already ahve heart and breathing issues so idk its just ugh

today was a hard day for me not hard presay idk how to explain i had a long talk with my coworker today i will try adn explain it the best i can but its hard for me to remeber it all in all honesty i was a mess i was anxius my chest hur ti was coughing like crazy coldunt get enough air in my longs andi was just so depressed and outof it her talk helped me alot and im glad that i have her as a friend and im glad that i dont scare her or nething she knows im bad she understands me to a point and if she has a question she is not afraid to ask it trust me she says i dont have to answer if i dont want to but i try to answer ne of her questions i have a hard time explaining things but i try neway just for her u know

well i cut what on sunday and i had bracelets on the hid my cuts and my bracelet slipped down and she saw the nw ones she knows i cut so it didnt shock her but shes like those are new dani dani no when why? i told her how i have been depressed for days and i did it on sunday swhes like u have to becareful ur gonna kill urself im like i dont do it to kill myself shes like but one wrong cut one wrong artery and u could shes like if u dont do it for that y

and i tried to explain to her the best i can that normally its after i eat to much i either turn to the razor or the toliet i turn more to the razor then i other but i dont it cause it makes everything stop all the voices all the pain im numb for those 2 minutes or so it calms me down i know i shouldnt turn to it and i know i should stop and ive treid but i cant its just my go to and she understand that she doesnt cut herself but she picks at her skin so she understands the need to do that i acutally showed her my arm close up told her to take a close look my arm is like a chekcer board u just cant c all the scars casue they faded or weren;t that deep shes like wow u do have alot i should her my hip and stomach and even my other arm(not as bad as the other) she found it werid that im reight handed but i use my left hand to cut my right arm i told her i tired the left i coudlnt do it my go to is alwasy my right arm i just like it better she gets it to a point im sure she will ask more questions

she asks if i cry alot im like i cry so,etimes but not all the time i want to but i cant and she guess what u do the cutting is easier then crying its the way u get ur emotions out

we went on to my ed then i dont remember that hole convo casue honestly it was so hard and i coudlnt sit stilli coudlnt think straight she really saw hoe much i sturggle with everything how im dieing insdie how i might act like im ok and happy on the outside but really im dieing on the inside. shes like i know u have freakouts and deprresion i c it in ur eyes soemtimes but u hid it so well i dont understand how u hid it how u hid it all from everyone they have no idea u act to happy im like im good at faking things i cant have ppl know that will mess everything ugh no1 can know they cant if ppl knew the real me how much i suffer how much fuck just everything it would scar them they would look at me differently

i showed her how i sat there today making a list of all the food im ok with eating or semi ok with eating and how i made them into caterogories im likeim carazy i know it and im losing it i cant do this nemore and i slid down tot he ground and just sat there. sehs like ur really losing it arent u its taking over again isnt it how do u deal with it. im like yeah its taking over again and i cant let it now yet it will kill me this time and i know it i wanna b marreid to the boy frist i cant let it kill me yet hes like u really think ur gonna die form it and im lik yes my ed is going to kill me and im going to die yuoung and ive accepted it shes like u really ahve havent u do u think u will starve urself to death or that ur body will fail? im liek my body is going to fail me i cant starve nemore my heart cant handle that i cant even fast nemore i told her about the werid heart rates the heart palpations they acutally haeart pain the coughing the hard breathing shes going to school to b a nurse. seh said im coughing all the time casue theres not enough room in my chest cavity for my lungs i cant get enough air into me thats y i have trouble breathing and the heart pains like i acutally get pain on the top of my heart sshes like when that happnes when ur heart hearts and ur breathing is hard u have to eat soemthing dont ignore that nemore u could have a heart attack i dont want u to have aheart attack she told me other stuff about my health but i dont even remember all of it i like knowing stuff like that but really i cant remember lot of it my memory is shot form just everything

we talked about alot of other things and she pointed out then when i get anxious i wont look ne1 in the face she saw me pinching my feet and arms and when i pulled away i had marks shes like ouch doesnt that hurt im like no i needed it im not at home i dont have my razor. and shes right about the anxious thing when im anxious or uncofmrtable i wont look neone in the face i dont wanna c their facial experrisons like with the boy when i talk bout my ed or soemthing and i know its gonna b hard i dont look at him i dont wanna c the hurt in hes eyes he always pulls my face to look at him butits so hard i know im killing him i know that im hurting him so bad i know that he hates to c me like this to c me in so much pain to c me killing myself slowly and i really would give nething to b happy to b healthy to get better and i would do it for him but recovery istn aobut him its about me and i dont love myself enough to recover i dont love myself enough to even attempt it

in all honestly i wanna get sick i wanna get so sick to the point were ppl have to care where they ahve to c i have a problem i wanna b laying in a hospital bed near death i want ppl to care about me i want the docs to notice i wan my parents to notice i want everyone to notice but at the same time i dont want ne1 to know not yet not tillli get to the deaths door sick my aprents dont care they ahve never cared if i ate or didnt eat or drank or cut or take pills they just ignore everything fuck my mom tellls me to learn willpower to stop eating yeah thats a great hting to say to me

my coworker even asked what they say about my cutting im like they dont say nething they c my scars my new cuts they dont say nething no1 does they just are like whatever danis a mess dani will always b a mess wahts the point in even caring neway they joke about it they amke fun of me the only person who i knows will care or does care is my uncle and my aunt i now they would my uncle is always there for me and he even said at the wedding last firday that" the food ur boy makes u eat will b way better then this" like u dont say make u eat unelss u think that the person has a problem but im not ready yet im not skinny enough im still so fucking fat and huge its fucking disgusting

idk im just going off all over the place here aint i but im just tyoing trying to get everything out

my coworker is trying to understand what made me like this and if i knew i would tell her but idk myself shes lie are u sure nutting happen to u as a child as a teenager im like as far as i know no yeah i was in an abusive relationship buti was srewed up b4 that she like it has to b something im like i know it does but idk what it is and im like the boy is brutally honest and that triggers it too i know that shes like how do u deal with it im like i just shut myself down i cant deal with emotions or feelins its part of the reason y i cut so much its my way of letting our my emotions casue i cant deal with them in the way that nomral ppl do

i dont think like normal ppl do my first thought to nething is can i starve can i buff ur first instict to nething shoudnt b that it just shoudlnt b ur mind shouldnt always b on food like that it just shoudlnt ppl normal ppl dont think liek that but i do my hole life revolves around my ed everythign revolves around it its my life form now until it kills me

she like if they ever admit u im like i can just check myserlf out im over 18 they cant keep me shes like they can hold u on a 72 hour psych hold ur arm is enough for them to do that cause we were tlaking about hostial about how i was nearly carreid there last year and how i will prob end up there eventually this year if i keep going the way im gong shes like the will force u to eat the will pump u with soemthing i dont remember what she said and that scares the shit out o fme but what am i suppose to do its not like i can get better form this

shes like arent u scared doesnt this scare u im likeim scared shitless when my heart gets all funny it scares me but it doesnt scare me enough to get better and it prob never will yesi m scared but what doen that matter im like yes i wan to b happy i wan to marry the boy i want to have kids with him i wanna hold on long enough to do that but ifi acutally can thats the questions cause i honeslty dk i dont even know if im healthy enough toeven carry a baby my body would prob kill me if i got pregnant as much as i would love to feel a baby growing in me and yesi would eat and b as healthy as i can b if i ever did get pregant but i dont think i will make it that long to even expereince that

i really am losing it u guys have no idea if u saw me today all broken and crumbled on the floor u prob woudlnt know what to do fuck idont know what to do nemore i cut again today yesi did am i proud of it now did it make me feel better yes

i openmed 2 of the cuts i did on sun on ei opened pretty good its even deeper then b4 as soona as i opened it i got blood on my bed yes lovley i know its pread pretty far aprt its not bleeding much nemore though i did like 9 new cuts on my side of my wrist not deep just neough to make everything stop i love going deep but i tried not to this time caseu idk how ima hide these cuts form the boy as it is he has to know sometihng is up hes seen my scars i dont cover them nemore i just think he isnt ready to have that convo right now fuck im not ready to have that to tell the perosn u love more then urself that u hurt urself that u cut ur skin open witha razor that u know u should sotp but ur planning on buying new razors neway

i dont even knwo what to say nemore i think i covered it all but who really fucking knkows i have a habit of forgetting things

i am thinkng about going back to school for what fuck if i know like i said quarter life crisis i need a change sometihng to challange myself i know im making all these plans like im actually gonna live to b 80 but wahtever its good to dream big sometimes

my coworker was trying to pick out new jobs fo rme and one acutally sounded like a great idea opening my own bookstore god i would love to run my own bookstore i love to read to get lost in the storeid to leave my fucked up world for away and escape to some1 elses

liek i said im jsut throwing ideas around
ok my stomach and side pain is really killin gme now i think its time to shut up and aly down and relax for a lil

i love ua ll and it u read all that and understand it i commend u ha cause i dont even know if i understand ti all

Wednesday, July 14, 2010


so last nite after i psoted i royally fucked up and i mean a bad fuck up not a lil one that is like ok u'll do better tomm imean a huge one one where u just wish u could cut right into ur stomach and pull all the food out just for u could feel empty again yeah one of those so after i posted af 2 bowls of cookes and cream ice cream, bag of microwavable popcorn, sf pudding cup and cookies how many cookies i coudlnt tell u i lost count but it was a mixture between vienna fingers and choc chip ugh. no i didnt eat it all in one sitting i had the ice cream an dfew cookies first then i did crucnhes watched secret like then had teh popcorn preoceeded to freak the fuck out like bad did more crucnhes and then had more ice cream cookies and pudding yeah i know idk what complelled me to eat so fucking damn much but yeah it happened my stomach still hurt so most of the day today. i wanted to buff so bad u have no idea how bad i wanted to my chest was screaming at me i felt the food coming back up and if i let myself get up and walk tot he bathroom it would of came up so easily but i didnt i was good i stayed curled in a ball o my bed and i didnt let myeslf go down that road again im so proud of myself for that cause i struggle alot with mia so its a huge step for me to ingore it when the urge was that fucking big and loud and just annoying

so the plan today was to fast and i did good all morning and at work and then like 2pm cam and my heart started bothering me so i had a lil snack and diecded to have some dinner later all and all it ended up being a good day i didnt eat to much and i fasted part of the day yay yay yay go me

after work i came home and strted my laundry and i was planning on looking for a job yeah needless to say over 5 hours later i didnt get to that yet i got myself distracted. i deicded to slowly start going on all the restrruant websites the ones that we go to alot and write down the meals that i could c myself eating with out freaking out to much adn writing donw the cals. i got one donw today Red Robin that one took me al il longer cause they have this customize section were u can customize ur meals take otut he cheese or whatever and htey rework the cals for u so yeah i had a lil to much fun on there just trying different things out

theni wanted to find some low cal low sodium soup recipes. ilove soup but the canned ones are just so high in sodim and im not suppsoe to b eating much of that so i have to becareufl yeah i spent a few hours on this one webiste just looking around it was so cool i found alot of stuff i liked but i settles on 4 different reciples 2 soups and 2 desserts. my ana friend the one i talk to everyday is also going to school to b a cheif so she reworked the recipes cause they gave u so many servings the one soup is asparagus i psoted the recipe on pt and dp is u guys are interested well its suppose to make 6 servings she worked it out fori can make 1 serving at a time love her for that also found a tomato salas spicy soup thing oringally like 20 servigns worked it out for 3 the asparagus is 72 cals per serving i think the tomato on eis like 50 or something i dont remember

the 2 desserts i found are blueberry muffins 98.4 cals for 1 and then cranberry almond oatmeal cookies 64.5 per serving

there was alot of other things on there that i wanna try but gonna try these first eventually and then try other ones

im aslo trying to get cuaght up on all the fanfic sotry updates i have to read with me being depressed and not checking email for 3 days i have like 25 or so updates to read yeah gots lots of reading to do im working on it slolwy

food log:
*half bottle of water
*cup of hot promgrante green tea

at work 10-1pm
*liter of water

at home1-6pm(doing all the stuff i mentioned above)
*cup of diet hot choc-25 cals
*bottle of water
*choc chips 70 cals
*2 rice cakes- 70 cals

*liter of water
*2 small apples with cinnamon-120 cals
*salad((lettuce(20), 6 pickle chips(25), 2 slice veggie protein turkey(50), 3 cherry tomatos cucumber(5), 5 sprays rapsberry walnut dresssing(5))

so i entended to clean my room today too yeah i didnt get tot hat either so i should work on that as well i did mangage to listen to the eminmen cd 3 times in a row though i know im addcited

Tuesday, July 13, 2010


im doing a lil better i guess still depressed but today was better then yesterday at least. yesterday was just horrible insanely horrible i was depressed all day and just freaking out and i was hufe like higely fat yesterday my sotmach as been sticking out since friday and it wont go down its not even concaved when i lay down it sucks

i think the only way i got thru my day yesterday was from my one friend shes an ana buddy but we talk everyday all day everyday for god a lil over a year now she really is like my tiwn but few years younger we are so much alike its crazy we dont just talk about our ed's we talk about everything and she really does help alot. i kept freaking out and she would just talk to me and try to calm b down it was nice i felt so bad for being so dperresed and freaking out so much but of coruse she said it was fine that this is what he is here for that she would do nething for me. wish i had a friend like that were we dont even live close enough to visit each other but we do talk thru txt everyday so thats good for me cause she rly does help and we do help each other so much

yesterday idki waqs just all over the place emotionlay one minutes id b happy then next id b on the verge of crying the next id wanna cut and then id be angry and moody u can c i hit every emotion possivle yesterday and i ate way to much ugh way to many cookies i gotta stop eating cookies ima cut those out well try to at least i use to b so good at cutting things out like with just the snap of my fingers and i wouldnt watn themnemore i gotta get that back

and to make matters worse my dad has been eating my lettuce ugh asshole c i have alil mini fridge in my room think dorm room frigse no freezer and i keep all my food up there but i have so much fruit and yougrt that i didnt have enough room for my salad stuff so my mom said i could keep it downstairs and there fridge i go to the store once every 2 weeks to restock so i had 2 bags of lettuce which would last me that long yeah i went to reach for the one bag i had opended the other day and it was gone o mom was like dad ate ur lettuce thats on right like wtf no its not ok but really what am i gonna say to that now so i barely have enough lettuce to make it thru till next week so im been reworking my plan and eating schedules u know i will get thru it i just hate that my fater did that i had to eat a sandwhich last nice cause i coudlnt have my salad yeah it wasnt real lunch meat it was vegan lunchmeat but still which lead me to eat way to many trisctuis which lead to antoher horrible freakout were i reopened one of my cuts not bad it barely bleed but it made me feel a lil better theni did a shitload of crunches to try and make me feel better i was so drained by like 9pm i layed down to listen to the eminiem cd and most of feel asleep i woke up an hour later of coruse cause really i cant lseep long even if i wanted to

the good think about yesterday was that i did make it tot he gym yay i did:
*25 min tready-139 cals burned
*35 min elly-263 cals burned

so i sat down the other day and took 2 personaltiy test yeah im weird like that i like knowing how screwed up they think i am or that i know tha ti am cause i am a paranoid freak but neway here are the resluts:

Disorder | Rating

Paranoid: Very High

Schizoid: High

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: High

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Low

Narcissistic: Low

Avoidant: Very High

Dependent: Very High

Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Personality Disorder Test Results

Paranoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%

Schizoid |||||||||||||||||||| 86%

Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 70%

Antisocial |||||||||||| 42%

Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 78%

Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62%

Narcissistic |||||| 22%

Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 70%

Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62%

Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||||||||| 82%

today was a long day at wokr 7 hours wer i had to stand the hole time cause the ass known as my boss decided to take my cahit yeah he has hes own comfy chairs but app he takes the one that we keep behind the desk on the tanning side away for we cant sit nemore like who fucking does that u have no idea how tired i was after my shift it was crazy. i nomrally dont sit much at work neway but thats not the point the only time i sit is to have my lunch and to read a lil towards the end of the day and every so often i sit for a minute or 2 just to relax but i coudlnt do that today i coudlnt even sit to eat my lunch and i refuse to stand and eat that just seems to ackeard to me u know ugh so i went in the lil back room where we keep the fridge microwave and washer dryer we have a counter pakc there too with an extra computer so i sat on the counter for i could eat it was ackward my feet keep falling asleep yes they do that alot so it sucks ugh but neway i managed to make it thru my day and i even tanned after. i wanna look pale and sick but i was jjust so cold that i went in a tanning bed for 15 minutes thaat didnt even really warm me up i was still cold but the the lights felt good vitamin does help depression so i felt a lil better after

i still gotta keep trying to find a new job i should look a lil more tonite im having a hard time trying to find one its gonna take mea hlw but i will find one i have to i cant stay at my job i just cant its tomuch to much stress to much everything ugh

tonite im planning on doing crunches watching pretty lil liars and make it or break it and always counting my changei have no money so i need to count my change jar and cash it in for i can have osme money im walking around with a dollar which will b used tomm when itake the toll to go tot he gym

also wanna read more too i read so much its crazy rather its a book or fanfiction i usually read books at work or at the gym if im doing the bike and when im hom ei read fanfiction im addicted to that site

i just finsined"unwell" leslie lipton
and now im currently reading "before i fall" lauren oliver

food log:
*2 small apples with cinnamon-120 cals

*half a cucumber-20 cals
*handful lettuce-10 cals
*yougrt-45 cals

*2 small apples with cinnaomin-120 cals
*green beans-90cals

*ice cream-100ish cals
*or pudding cup-60 cals

cant decided what one yet im leaning more towards ice cream thouhg even though its gonna hurt my chest so bad

*cup of hot tea-0 cals
*litter bottle of water-0cals
*sobe life water-0 cals
*2 nomral bottles of water-0 cals

*7,401 steps taken- 181 cals burned

i should prob start counting change or something

Monday, July 12, 2010


"Is anybody out there? It feels like I’m talkin to myself No one seems to know my struggle And everything I come from

Can anybody hear me? I guess I keep talkin to myself It feels like I’m going insane Am I the one whose crazy?.....

So why in the world do I feel so alone Nobody but me, I’m on my own Is there anyone out there

Who feels the way I feel If there is then let me in so I know that I’m not the only one...

You’re lying to yourself, you’re slowly dying, you’re denying

Your health is declining with your self esteem, you’re crying out for help

look guys i dont want u to worry or nething like that not that ne one really cares about me neway but im not doing well at all right now everything is just a fucked up crazy ass mess i cant do nething right at all. i try to eat very lil and then my heart starts freaking out and then i get the chest pains which force me to eat and then i keep eating cause i dont know how to eat normally i either eat to lil or way to much i dont know what in between in.

its just not fair hat there are ppl that are way way smaller then me and they can get thru their days just fine but here i am a 103-104 lb fat ass who cant get thru a day with out nearly falling over im so drained and out of it by the end of the day its usually hard to move and itjust sucks that i have to have all these bad symptoms the acid reflux the nasous the heart pain the chest pain the numbness in my face my hands going numb i cant sit cross legged witho ut my feet going numb im so weak most days im always dehryadted even thoughi have been drinking. y does my anorexia have to b so much worse then everyone elses right now o yeah duh i know y cause ive put my body thru hell the past 24 years ive never had a healthy relationship with food or with exercise ihave accepted the fact that my ed will kill me at somepoint im not gonna live to b 80 i know that but i would love to have my own kids some day i would love to marry my boy but i know i prob wont a) theres no way right now that my body could handle carrying a baby for 9 months its just too weak and b) the boy is in no hurry to get married

i just dont know what to do nemore im just all over the place i went tot he gym today and yesterday today i did an hour on the bike burn 380 cals yesterday i did 35 min on elly and 35 on tready i dont remember how many cals i burnt doing that

and then we have friday i did good during the day had 120 cals during day which made me extra tired and weak and my heart was really bothering me but i pushed thru it theni had my cousins wedding i just nibbles ate enough to keep ppl off my back i left early though to go c my boy causei missed him so fucking much. he took me out to dinner like he always does and idk what the fuck i was thinking but i ordered a nomral meal we went to friendlys i freaked out i didnt eat all of it i acutally ate the fries and jsut picked at the sandwhich then we got dessert he knows i cant say know to dessert got the cookie jar sundaue u shoudl of seen my stomach after got i had the worst food baby bump ever i really did look like i was pregnant it was prefectly round and i had a tighter shirt on so u could tell we get tot he car and i freak out i tell himi cant do this im to fulli can and he said he would b ok the hole time im pushing my sotmach im like it wont b ok its to big im to full i wanna puke i wanna b empty i want mytomach to go back in u know what hes response was jsut dont eat much tomm at all and go to the gym and workout

he wants me to eat and then he says that he doesnt realize that he acutally does make my ed worse at times one day he will realize that after im so bad to the point where he cant help me nemore

well all wkd i felt so damn sick and so full the hole time no matter what i didnt i coudlnt shake the full feeling my acid reflux has been driving me nuts all wkd as well ive been taking diruectics like crazy to try and get the scale to go back down which it is

but im so done with this i need to get skinny way skinny skinnyt o the point where he finally notices where everyone finally notices where im not just the werido who eats healthy i want to get tot he point where i finally get a diagnosis i want my family to realize im not ok i want the docs to pull there heads our of their asses adn realize that this isnt natural i do this to myself i know its bad to think like that but i want a diagnosis i want to b taken serioiusly for once

and i cut today i hid my razors from my self b4 vacation and i finally remembered were i put them so yes i have 4 cuts on my wrist 2 are pretty deep one of them is still bleeding i could prob use stitches but i refuse to go tot he hospital i dont have the money for that at all soi will just take care of them myself

i didnt wanna cut i was trying to stop i was strying to fade my other scars but yeah it just all got to much everything just got to much i just wanted a realize to feel pain to feel numb

so i just wanted to letu guys know idk if i will b around all the time i will try to get on once a day and update at least for u guys know thati m still alive but idk it dpends on how fucked up my head gets

im sorry guys im juts so sorry i just dont know nemore
o and those lyrics at the top are Eminem form hes new cd if u guys have heard it def take a listen its really good

Thursday, July 8, 2010


ok ugh so i fucked upagain today and i hate myself for itim so fat and gross i look in the mirros an dim disguisted with myself u have no idea my stmoach is just huge and it sticks out so much my ribs and hip bones are barely out dont even get me started on my spine this is fucking ridc im fat as all hell and what do i do i wat more then i planned to and i make myself even fatter then i already am ugh.

so today i sat down and thought and i made plan for myself tis actually pretty simple and i wont b able to do it for long because it involes alot of sodium which im not suppose to b eating because of my cholestrol an dmy blood pressure yes i starve myself and i still have high blood pressre and high cholestrol ok back tot he plan starting tomm i need to get bacl on track plan:

* no food during the day exxcept for dinner

* i can have water, flavored water well pretty much nehting i want to drink

*as many bubillion cubes during the day i want

*dinner can b a normal dinner i will prob do salad and then have something with it

*the days i go tot he gym i will eat either fruit yougrt or a granola bar b4 my workout fori can get thru it

see simple plan ima prob only do it for a week or so since the bubillion cubes are high in sodium i hiope i can stick to it for awhile im tired of being such a fuck up fat ass

food log:
*small apple-60cals
*dry fruitloops-110cals
*cup of popcorn-25cals
*1/2 cup blueberries-40cals
*salad(lettuce(20), 6 pickle chips(25), 1 slice veggie protein turkey(25), 5 croutons(40) cucumber(5))
*7 bites fried potatoes-?
*5 sprays raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing-5cals
*2 scoops cookes and cream ice cream-175cals
*mini choc chips-140cals

*liter bottle of water
*5 nomral bottle of water
*cup of hot detox tea
*vitamin water0

*ran in place for an hour kept feet on floor and just kept my legs moving

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


so so yesterday i was at work yes i know no shocker there dani is always at work. and i wouldnt talk to my bosssi would just walk right past him and not say a word eventually he walked up to me and asked ifi was ok cause i seemed tense i told him i was fine i was just tired.. hes like u sure u know if there wa sap roblem u could talk to me about it im like yeah im sure theres no problem. then he proceeded to try and by nice he asked me about me trip and i mentioned that we didnt have time to do much cause we had to drive home friday hes like u could of stayed longer all u had to do was call i would of covered for u u know u should of took thehole week off it wouldnt of beena problem i acutally liked working it was nice. the hole time he was saying that i was laughing in my head becasue he was so lieing i have had clients come up and tell me that he hated it he was in a bad mood he was rude so whatever fuck him im so done i havent been able to find a new job yet but that will prob take awhle the econly fucking sucks so ugh

the few jobs i did find want u to have experince and a bacholors degree. well lets c i dont have an experience and i only have my assocaites degree in applied science accounting management.

and how the fuck am i suppose to have experience if no one will hire me to give me that experience ugh i tell ya but o well i will keep looking the boy said it can b ne job as long as its full time wkds off and with benefits hes really pushing th ebenefits casue im scaring him with the chest pains and side pains he wants me to go get checked out buti wont wil i have insurance

ive had chest pains everday since baltimore the one panic attak there hurt so bad my chest pains are pretty much from anxiety i woiuld give enthing for some antianxiety meds but i dont wanna go to the docs. im overwhelemed all the tiem and im paraniod and just skiddish ugh i hate it.. my heart has also been bothering me a lil it acutally hurts does that make sense like i feel it hurting but theres nuttin i can do about that righ tnow just gotta wait it out

so i went grocery shopping yesterday i hate grocery shopping only had one really bad chest pain there though but it was bad that i had to stop and grab my cest only a few ppl looked at me weirrd but o well its not like they acutally stopped and asked if i was ok. this is waht i got yesterday at the store:

*2 four pakcs of diabetic yogurt
*5 boxes frozen green beans
*box of triscuits thin crisps
*bag of apples
*6 nectarines
*raspberry walnut vinaigrette srapy dressing
*5 vitamin water 0's
*2 bags ready pac spirng mix salad
*sugar free banana fudge supreme pudding cups
*roast turkey veggie protein slices
*3 cucumbers
*premade ceaser salad(had for dinner last nite)

today was another hot day it was 103 yesterday and its in the 100's again today the heat is really starting to get to me i felt nausous most of the day and jsut tired and beat and exhausted but i pulled thru i had this big workoutp lanned out but i cut it in half cause i knew i woiudlnt b able to do it all. tomm is suppose to b hot as well dk if its gonna make it to triple digits though but who knows plus with the humidity it feels evenhotter out which sucks cause i would love to sit outsdie or go for a walk but i cant casue the heat just bothers me

food log:
*2 small apples cup up with cinnamon-120cals
*1/2 cup blueberries-40cals
*banana fudge supreme sf pudding cup-60cals
*salad(lettuce(20), 6 pickle chips(25), 1 slice veggie protein turkey(25), 5 croutons(40) cucumber(5))
*bagel thin whole wheat -110cals
*7 bites fried potatoes-?
*5 sprays raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing-5cals

drink log:
*cup of hot detox peach tea-0 cals
*2 bottles of water-0cals
*liter bottle of water-0cals
*large unsweetend iced tea from dunkin donuts-10 cals

exercise log:
*45 min bike leave 4 12.66 miles-258 cals burned
*18 min tready 1.44 miles-121 cals burned
*5 mins running .5 incline speed 5.0
*5 mins running 1.0 incline speed 5.0
*5 mins running 1.5 incline speed 5.0
*3 min cool down
*5,242 steps taken-131 cals burned

i still have to do some job looking yet tonite and crunches casue my stomach is fucking horrid god everytime i look in the mirror all i c is fat fat fat and its jut fucking disguisting i want it all gone

the scale might say 103 lbs but trust me i dont look 103 lbs i looke like im fucking 150 lbs ew gross i need it all goen and i need it all gone soon

i would gice nething to b ablet o just fast and fast but i cant my body cant handle that nemore an diknow that but it still donest stop me from wanting to mayb i will try a fast at some point when my heart doesnt hurt as bad nemore

i jsut wanna b fragile and breakfable i want ppl to look at me and know that i have a problem that im not ok i wass b so skinny that it scares ppl

Monday, July 5, 2010


ok so today pretty much fucking sucks i went over my 500 cal limit yes i know i suck at all i only went over by close to 200 so it wasnt that bad but still hate myself for it and to make matters workse my boss is a fucking asshole of a dick fuck and he can go fuck himself cause im so done as soon as i find a new job im out

c i worked there for 4 years now and i have done everything i pretty much run hes damn business for him i do everything i do my job hes job other ppls jobs cuase no1 does shit well excpet for my one coworker she helps out alot but i am pretyt much tere every day i coudl go 3 weeks straight with out a day off i kill myself for him and hes acting like a dick he had to work for me for the 2 days that i went away i wronte it doen almost 2 months in advance so he knoew but he was so pissy last week he didnt talk to me at all thats how pissy he was and then i find out today he was talking shit on me whilei was gone. one of the tanning clients came in this morning i was only there for 30 minutes it was the start of my day and everything just got ruined right then with what she told me. she said that he was complaining caus he offered to hire more ppl but me and d(coworker) said no it was ok that we wanted the hours it wasnt a big deal and hes like yeah they didnt want me to hire some1 but then she takes off an di have to work i dont wanna work she shouldnt of taken off and then i had 3 complaints aobut him cause he wasnt oding the job one client was standing there for 10 minutes waitng for him to come but he wanst doing nething he just didnt feel like wokring, he put another client in the room and realized that some1 had an appt for it and knocked on her door and made her get out instead of giving the client who had the appt a free tan and then another client wanted to buy lotion and we woudlnt give her the discount that it was suppose to b or the free tans that she is suppose to get with the purchase. god he fucked up everything ive been doing damage control and then today he has me carrying tile around and cleaning it cause he decided he wanted to tile soemting idk and then ialso had to vacuum the hole pool deckt its fucking 85 degrees int hat room and 100 degrees outside iwas fucking sweating i was all gross and it was only noon still had 3 hours left. he treats me more like hes servant hes cleaning lady hes housekeeper and not like the employee that i am. hes not gonna find neone else willing to do what i do and really i dont give a fuck right now i dont care im out of there as soon as i find another job hopefylly a better one with 40 hours a week scheudled and wkds off and vacation time and benefits cause i cant kill myself for him nemore i just cant fuck him im done.

and im all depressed cause the boys vacation is over and he goes back to work tomm which means i cant sleep next to him everyntie nemore an di cant c him everyday nemore it suck, and friday nites r our nites but i hgot a fucking wedding to go to this friday i dont even like my cousin hes an ass thinks hes gods gift news flash ur not ur and ass who cant even get a real job and u let ur girlfriend pay for everything. and who the fuck has friday nite weddings neway. but me and the boy decided thati have to go but im leaving right after dinner im not eating much and we are going to go out together when i get home so friday work til 3 wedding at 4 drive an hour to recepting dinner at 8 leave by 830-9pm then home by 10ish spend the nite with the boy.

its just so hard being away from him i hate being away from him i just gotta make it these next 3 weeks he has nother week off the end of july we are planning a day trip to an amusemtn park and amyb one nite we are going to drive to philly to watch a phillies game

i sat done today and made my gorcery list going to go sometimes tomm the plan is to get
*vitamin water 0
*salad mix
*3 cucumbers
*tuna fish
*frozen veggies
*pudding(if i can find low cal ones)
*3 pears
*3 nectarines
*box of triscuits

i have abs no money i gotta but my hole check int he bank for i have enough fo rmy car payment and car insurance so that means i gotta use one of my credit cards ugh i try to pay them off but it never works i give up already

food log:
*low sugar maple brown sugar oatmeal-120 cals
*2 scoops cookeis an dcream ice cream- 175ish cals
*2 small apples cut up w/ cinnamon-120 cals
*yougrt-45 cals
*can of tuna-100 cals
*table spoon of miracle whip light-20 cals

*cup of hot detox peach tea-0 cals
*2 bottles of water-0 cals
*liter bottle of water-0cals
*skinny water sport pink berry-0 cals

*35m in elly 2.58 miles- 256 cals burned
*18 min tready 1.44 miles- 121 cals burns
*5 min running incline 1.0
*5 min running incline 0
*5 min running incline 0.5
* 3 min cool down
*8.807 steps taken -200 cals burned

Sunday, July 4, 2010


well first off to all the americans happy 4th of july. thank god we didnt have a picnic this year so i didnt have to worry about my family and food and shit i did eat more then i wanted to today which i do hate myself for. but tomm i decided to start doing 400-500 cals a day nuttin more i need to lose more weight i hate the way i look im fat and gross and not fragile or nething at all and i need to get to fragile asap

i didnt do much today im still tired as fuck from vacation so i just relaxed alot. i did clean up my room for awhile and did some crunches and jogged in place i didnt jog long after life 2 minutes i realized i really didnt wanna jog soi went to crunches instead. i spent alot of time reading fanfics today.

i wanted to go outside but it was 93 degrees today and i cant b out in that i would risk getting heat exhaustion again and i dont need that cause its horrible and ugh i just hate it

food log:
*orange cremsicle-80 cals
*pretzel m&ms's-150 cals
*yogurt-45 cals
*1/2 cup blueberries-40 cals
*handful of granola-?
*3 romaine lettuce leaves-10
*6 pickle chips-25 cals
* 6 cherry tomatos-30 ish cals
* 5 slices cheese-?
*7 croutons--42 cals
* 2 serving frizzl'd skittles- 340 cals(ugh)

*large unsweetened iced tea from dunking donuts-10 cals
*4 bottles of water-0 cals

Saturday, July 3, 2010


Well everyone I am back so this will prob b a long update have to fill u all in on everything that has happened the past few days with my trip and everything

Wednesday nite

So the boy came over wed nite after the bar. Him and hes friend deicded to go out for a lil so he came over at like midnite and the first thing he said when he saw me was ur not ok. Which is true iw asnt ok at all I was having the worst side pains and somtach pains ive been getting them a lot lately and idk what they are from im sure they are prob ed related or soemthing since I have put my body thru hell with this shit ugh. But neway the pain in on my right side under my ribs and yes it does hur the hole side I like double over in pain when it happens. So we were laying there he was holding me and trying to make me better the pain was so bad I coudlnt lay still I had to keep moving I always lay on my right side and I just coudlnt cause it hurt so bad. But neway we were laying there he goes u know there is something wrong with u ur not ok im like yeahi know that. And that was the end of it because he knows better then to push the docs with me casue he knows I wont go


This was the day that we left yay hahah. Well I got up at 6am for I could finish packing and shoer and straighten my ahir and everything. I wanted to give myself time casue I hate being rushed it makes me panic and we don’t nee me panicing at all casue then im just a mess all day. As soon as I woke up I was nasous that’s been happening a lot again recently too. Ia lready palnned on not eating nething till I had to and I wasn’t going to take my vitamins or my pills cause I cant take them on an empty stomach soi skipped them in the morning. We ended up leaving at 930am we stopped at a lil convient store b4 we got on the road to get food and drinks I got a vitamin water 0 and a special k bar to make him happy I didn’t eat the bar though. I t was al il over a 3 hour drive to get to baltimore form were I live I coudlnt sit still the hole time so I was fidgeting a lot its just want I do cause I can never sit still ihave to always keep moving in some way or anther. We got there around 1 and we went to go check in our orignally check in time for the hotel was 3 but sometiems they let u check in early u know yeah well they didn’t they said check again at 2 might have something open. So we went out and walked to the aquarium for we could get our tickets early and not have to worry about it. The hotel is about ½ mil away from the aquarium according to mapquest it didn’t seem like that long of a walk but it was still a nice walk. We got ther got our tickets and walked back to the hotel yeah so they woudlnt let us check in yet so we ended up sitting in the lobby for almost an hour waiting for our room ugh stupid hotel ppl but we finally did get to check in at 3pm yay for that  the rooms were amazing u walked in and on the left was alil kitched with a fridge toaster microwave even left us microwavalbe popcorn and tea and coffee. Then u walk in and there is a chair table and a couch and a flat screen tv the swivals around to either fact the living room or the bed omg the bed king size nice and comfy iloved it then are lile bathorom sher and toilet the sink and mirror were outsie on the bathroom in its own lil room it was still nice though. So we pretty much just dropped our stuff off and meet our friends and headed out for the aquarium again . the aquarium was amazing it took us aobut an hour and half to walk thru it all I took lots of pics which I still have to upload from my camera an dmake cd’s out of them for our friends and myself. I don’t wanna get into to much detail about it cause I could go on for ever about it but if u ever get a chance to go the the baltimore aquarium def go. We went to the gift shop I got my lil cousins each a stuffed animal the 4 yr old I got her a stuffed pink and glittery turtle and the 8 month old god him a hammered head shark stuffed. I got my sis a baltimore keychain with her name an dit blinks I got myself one as well its cool I got one form the philly zoo as well when we went last year. The all decied that they were hungry then so went to the hard rock café. We wanted to eat at the espn zone but fuck it was closed it was discontiuned in a few areas it sucks casue they have good food and evena gam room upstairs so we were upset about that. The hard rock café is every expensive it scrazy and the food wasn’t that good for it to b that expensive. At that point we decided to split up for a lil me and the boy going one way and our 2 friends going the other. We walked the harbor for awhile by the water it was nice even stopped at the lil malls that they have there the malls don’t have much but we walked thru them neway then evenutally walked back to the hotel to relax for alil b4 we went out that nite. Theya ll deided they wanted to go out I didn’t wanna go but I went out with them neway. Well by the time we rested for awhile and got showered and dressed it was 930. We walked aorund again trying to find a good place. My side was really bother me again and every step I took hurt so I had to walk slower the boy stayed back with me he kept asking if I was ok I would tell him yes no matter no much it hurt. They found this gated off place with a bunch of bars in it so they decided to go there the go didn’t believe that it was me on my id cause I have black hair now and on my drivers license its blonde but eventaully he belived me. I didn’t wanna drink but I had one vodka and pinapple nemore just to make the boy happy. We ere there til 2 am. I was so ovewhelmed and so panicky it was crazy I cant deal with a lot of ppl or a lot oa ppl id ont know I ended up standing there a lot bouncing up and down ont the balls on my feet with my arms wrapped around me and chewing on my nails I was so uncomformtalbe. At one point the boy wene tup to the bare to get another drink and I was standing with the girl that came with us she was talking to all this guys cause that’s how she is reallyt alkative and this one guy walked up to me said hi asked bout my glasses for some reason and I go y are u asking me this and he goes just starting convertaion im like no hes no and im like yeah no he was really creepy and he freaked me out after that I wasn even more uncomfrotalbe then b4 the boy finally came back and I told him what happened and pointed the guy out hes like ignore him hes nothing but the boy stayed close to me 4 the rest of the nite kept asking if I was ok and giving me hugs he knows I don’t do well with crowds. Well finally our friend were ready to go they were drinking and wanted food so we stopped at the 7-11 right there I got apint of ben and jerrys cookie dough ice cream I was craving it all day the boy got 2 bags of chips and our friends got other stuff. We were stanidng outside waitng for the friends to come out the boy asked if I was ok I walk up give him a hug and im like I was just so overwhelmed I don’t do well with crosed and ppl they freak me out he goes I know u did good though. We got back to the hotel he had chips and I had al il of my ice cream and I go I cant eat much of this or I will hate myself and he goes I though u liked ice cream and im like yeah I do but if I eat to much ima hate myself he just said eat alil and put the rst away. So that was the end of our crazy eventful thrusday. Heres the food log for that day

*vitamin water 0
*half honey citrus grilled chicken salad no onions dressing on the side(from hard rock)
*few fries
Late nite snack
*ice cream

We got up around 9am to shower and everything b4 we watned to check out at 10. Of oucrse I woke up a few times during the nite cause god forbid I sleep thru the nite. Well the boy deicded toshower first so I sat on the bed and watched charmed and drank my cup of tea that I made for myself hes friends ended up showing up early and the boy still wasn’t ready so ihad to thru on clothes real qucik to get the door after I yelled at them ha well not yelled just said ur early and tht I have to shower yet they deiced to go down the the lobby and wait for us. Well I finally showered and we left the room at 10am I had my bag and my purse stole the popcorn form the room and a spoon casue I had to finish my ice cream yes the boy had me have ice cream for breakfast well we finallycheck out and we got on the road I ate the rest of the ice cream and around 11 we stopped at a rest stop for lunch. They ahd a starbucks I was happy I could get some tea yay for that. We always stopped at the lil sotre there for I could get a pack of gum,. We decided to try and play the claw machine casue we are dorks like that and we love the game the fucking claw sucked though ugh. The boy acutally had the stuffed mandm in the cle and it was going up but it hit the top so hard that the fucking claw dropeed the damn thing ugh. So the girl spet pretty much the hole way home cause he was hungouver I sat in the middle aise she was in the back seats so I was there talking with the boys the hole way home I kept moving though cuase damn sits are uncofortable and ugh hate long car rides. Finally got back home at 2pm very tiring we all deiced to go home shower and rest for awhile b4 meeting up for dinner and the movies. I showered and read for awhile also watched tv for awhile I should of napped cause I was dead on my feet but I didn’t. we all meet up at applebees and I wasn’t aloowed to get a salad because the boy said that’s all I ate for 2 days that I gotta get something else nething else, ijsut looked upt he cals on my meal 1200 cals fuck that’s alor I only ate about half soi guess it wasn’t to bad at all idk ugh I hate restraurants eveything is so high in cals that its fucking crazy as shit. We went to the movies after to c Knight and Day. I told the boy I was craving skittles and he said that I should sotp eating so much sugar asue my face is breaking out soi hsoudl watch my sugar intake and I wasn’t allowed to get skittles. U think he would u know whatn me to eat since he knows bout my ed and everything but nope im not allpwed to eat certain things. Hes making my ed worse and he doesn’t heven realize it ugh so neway he ended up getting us some popcorn instead. The movie was ok I guess idk I was relaly tired and I did end up falling asleep for a lil during the movie it was ok though it wasn tht e worse thing I have seen not even by far. Food log for Friday

*rest of the ice cream
*lil water
*half chicken ceaser salad no cheese dressing on the side
*grande unsweetened black tea from starbuks
On the drive home
*15 pretzel m&m’s
*bottle of water
*half a fiesta lime chicken meal(applebees)
*3 onion rings(applebees
*some popcorn
*lil hi c fruit punch

Im still so tired today its ridc my eyes acutally hurt but theres nuttin I can relaly do about that cause I have slept a lil last nite but the past 2 days have have been really crazy and I was walking and on my feet a lot. Ihad to go to work today which wasn’t fun at all ihad to do payroom which took me forever because I was tired and I could barely count but I eventaully got it done. The boss is still barely talking to me cause I took off 2 days and he acutally had to run hes own business for once in hes life ugh. After work stopped at walmart and got some more acai berry cleanse pills, black nailpolish, the dvd thingsy to put the pics on, and 2 tihngs of face wash. Im just relaxong now but im go c eclipse again tonite at 8pm my sis might come with me or not idc I asked her if she wanted to go and if she deosnt that is fine cause I don’t mind going to c it by myself. The boy is ogn gout tonite so its just me I don’t mind staying home cause o all the ppl at bats yeah no thanx ha it gives to time to relax and read and workout sometimes I watch a movie u know. I was planning on washing my car tomm but its suppose to b in the 90’s agan tomm so yeah that wouldn’t b a good idea I don’t need heat exhasution again so I guess iw ill just sleep in as long as I can sicne work is clsoed for the 4th and mayb I will do some crunches run in place a il idk we will c how the day goes. The will prob spend Sunday nite with the boy cause lukcy him has off on Monday. He goes back to work on Tuesday so now I will have to get use to not seeing him everyday and not sleeping next to him every nite. We will still spend Friday nites together but its still not the same. I just gotta make it 3 weeks cause then he is on vacation again and I can sleep next to him every nite again yay for that. We arent going away though we might do a day trip to an amusemtn park though.

Food log for today

*45 cals yogurt, granola, apple and ½ cup blueberries mixed together ina bowl
*cup of hot detox tea
Lunch(at work)
*vitamin water 0
*bottle of water
*other half of food from applebees
*3 onion rings
*bottle of water