Friday, December 31, 2010


sorry that i didnt post yesterday i was really going to i was gonna post pics and 2 new recipes and letu guys c that i can acutally cook just not that well but yeah thats didnt go as planned

i coudltn keep nething down yesterday beisdees half a tureky sandwhich on wheat no cheese. yes i know that i purge and that throwing up isnt really nuttin new with me but there is a diffrence between doing it on purpose and being sick and ur body rejecting the food all on its own.

thats how it was eysrterday coming up on its own i was feeling nasouses for days so iknew it was coming is just dont know if im sick or if its juts my stomach and my mayb ulcers and allergies so who the fuck knw sim just hoping i can keep some stuff down today cause i gotta work and i get tired enough working wheni do eat so i cant imagine working retail witho u tnething in me.

but neway yesterday well boy wanted wendys at midnite so he got it and i ate some to make him happy had 5 spicy chicken nuggets and some fires i felt gorss after but me and fast food and grease have never got along but worked it off gotta love sex for that.

we had a talk again he believes depression is weak minded and that i have nnuttin to b dperessed about acasue i have him. im lik eyeah i have u and u help so much but its not u its me and this eating disorder hes like i dont care if u gain 5 lbs or lose 5 lbs i just want u healthy

so i got st johsn wort so gonnat ry that see if it helps.

yesterday mroing had a couple italian cookies(my fav onhly get them once a year) and lil ice cream yeah taht came back up and i layed down for a li to c if i felt better to go to the gym and i did.

so i wore my heart monitor and instead of listenign to the cals the machine told me i listent to my heart rate monitor according to that i burend 930 cals. i did a 5 min wlking fit test at 3.2 mph. ran 2 miles at 5.3 mph walked .50 miles at 3.2 then did 35 mins on elly the cascade hill workout.

im so sore today fromt he running im not suppose to b runnign on my bad leg but i like to run an dits been 2 weeks sicni worked out so ims ore but it was so worth it

after taht i did my running around grocery store and target. i got th eingredients for vegan mac and cheese and almost vegan chicken and veggie soup also got my selg glutton free cereal and breadsticks, 1/2 lb cherries, 1lb of grapes lots of soup 4 cans and one boxed( tire dthe cup of soups that mich said about) some1 said they make lite oens but didnt c so i got the chciken noodle 50 cals one sodium is high for me but i wanted them. i got a few more things just cant remember.

went to target got pack of gum, mag, st johns wort, fish oil pills, and pringles.

i went home to make my recipes i had a bag of uncle bens rice spanish style and some pringls and about ahfl way thru my vegan mac and cheese and just starting my soup i didnt feel good at all i got dizzy chest hrut nasouses so i ran upstaris had a BM and threw everythign up an dimean everyting i didnt think that much stuff was in me but everyting came upand it wasnt pleasean i flet shaky rest of the day.

i managed to finsih cooking my recipes even though the smells was makng me even mpore nasouses then i alredy weas i didnt ry ne of them casuei didnt wanna puke again i just pakced them up and will try them another time.

i layed down and watched toy story 3 i lvoe that movie its so cute a good ending :)
the boy said i didnt loook good im like how do u want me to look i haad my head in the toilet all day but he wanted me to eat smething so i got a turkey sandwhich from covneint store got it on wheat bread no cheese, lettuce pickles brown mustard and pepper it was good ia cutally liked teh sandwhich and so did my stomach well part of it only some of it came up some stayed down so im happy about that.

inolw that the throwin gup is good for my weight loss cause hey no food = no weight gain just loss ysy for that my ed is very ahppy about that so today is just soup that will keep semthing in my stomach for i dont get to weak at work and its low cal so i can still lose weight

love ua ll have a good dafe nite tonite for everyone that is going out

Wednesday, December 29, 2010


sorry i didnt update yesterday i had to work and then came home ahd a qucik but lil dinner then boy came over but will update now since idk if i will b able to update later again

yesterday ihad to work 11-7 loveley i know ih ate the one manager they left me alone up at the register which is fine so i was just stadnign there well half leaning ont he ocunter and he walks up and is like u know u can clean or something im like well what do u want me to do.

its not like i can leave the register area im the only one up there i cant just walk away if soem1 else was there too then yeah thats different but yeah i was alone up there. how come everyone esle can stand around adn talk and do nothing but as soon as i do i get in trouble for it its so not fair the managers do nuttin all day unless we get so busy that all of us are frazzled then the step in but momslty they are sitting around onf standing around doing nutting ugh

but while i was walking around trying to look busy i decided to shop i put stuff on hold and paid for it hafter work this is what i got

2 open front sweater one in coral one in black both extra smalls

3 sub half button long sleeve henleys and 3 thank tops all extra smalls again

im still having alot of issues with my stomach im either nasouses my chest pains are worst or im in intense pain in my lower stomach somestims all at once so yeah its not very fun i gotta get this under contorl its hard to work and get thru my day

food log for 12/28/10
*20 bing cherries
*pack of wheat and cheese crackers
*2 cups chicken broth
*small handful tostios
*2 slices light fiber bread, half can tuna white albacore, 2 slices tomato

pic of my tuna and tostios

i woke up with chest pains had to take boy home and then i decided to eat osemthing os i had some xmas cookies the italin ones that ma only makes once a year and soem sugar ones as well with half a cup of almond milk

yeah it helpe dmy chest but now im extremely nasouses lovely
well ima go relax and do crunches and stuff b4 work love ua ll

*sarah-thanx hun

*desepree-yeah we didnt get all the 12 inches that we were expected to get but ugh every road in town is clear except mine of course so i slide alil wheni drive but hey thats snow for ya

*pixie-im fine hun i'll b fine its just not very fun or pleasant at all

*helen-thanx hunny

*mich-yeah my cousin is on meds for his ijsut want soething to help it u know the pain gets really bad at times
im glad that ur moms is doing better though yay for that

Monday, December 27, 2010


so idid some research today yeah lol i know me and my research it makes me feel better though but i finally figured out how to spell the disease my uncle thinks i have well my mom spelled it for me ha im horrible at spelling but neway its called ulcerative colitis.

this is what i found out about it:(im juts gonna copy and paste some stuff)
all this info comes from here


Ulcerative colitis is a disease that causes inflammation and sores, called ulcers, in the lining of the rectum and colon. Ulcers form where inflammation has killed the cells that usually line the colon, then bleed and produce pus. Inflammation in the colon also causes the colon to empty frequently, causing diarrhea.

When the inflammation occurs in the rectum and lower part of the colon it is called ulcerative proctitis. If the entire colon is affected it is called pancolitis. If only the left side of the colon is affected it is called limited or distal colitis.

Ulcerative colitis is an inflammatory bowel disease (IBD), the general name for diseases that cause inflammation in the small intestine and colon. It can be difficult to diagnose because its symptoms are similar to other intestinal disorders and to another type of IBD called Crohn’s disease. Crohn’s disease differs because it causes inflammation deeper within the intestinal wall and can occur in other parts of the digestive system including the small intestine, mouth, esophagus, and stomach.

Ulcerative colitis can occur in people of any age, but it usually starts between the ages of 15 and 30, and less frequently between 50 and 70 years of age. It affects men and women equally and appears to run in families, with reports of up to 20 percent of people with ulcerative colitis having a family member or relative with ulcerative colitis or Crohn’s disease. A higher incidence of ulcerative colitis is seen in Whites and people of Jewish descent.

and the symptoms:

The most common symptoms of ulcerative colitis are abdominal pain and bloody diarrhea. Patients also may experience

•weight loss
•loss of appetite
•rectal bleeding
•loss of body fluids and nutrients
•skin lesions
•joint pain
•growth failure (specifically in children)
About half of the people diagnosed with ulcerative colitis have mild symptoms. Others suffer frequent fevers, bloody diarrhea, nausea, and severe abdominal cramps. Ulcerative colitis may also cause problems such as arthritis, inflammation of the eye, liver disease, and osteoporosis. It is not known why these problems occur outside the colon. Scientists think these complications may be the result of inflammation triggered by the immune system. Some of these problems go away when the colitis is treated.

it sounds lovley doesnt it i dont have all of the symtoms like the bleeding i only get that somtiems and its never much so i usually just ingnore it but i do have most of those symtoms the stomach pain and cramps are the worse and its hard to tell with the weight loss cause i am trying to loss weight um hi yeah eating disorder here but yeah thats what it is

theo nly way to find out is to get test done since i dont have insurance and genreally hate doctors i cant get it down but the oby said once i get insurance i have to get all the test doen and figure out exaclty what is wrong with me

but tiwth this disease i should avoid(this is froma different site)
•Avoid high-fiber foods (bran, beans, nuts, seeds, and popcorn).
•Avoid fatty greasy or fried foods and sauces (butter, margarine, and heavy cream).
•Limit milk products if you are lactose intolerant,. Dairy products are a good source of protein and calcium.
•Avoid or limit alcohol and caffeine.

and i should:
•Eat small amounts of food throughout the day.
•Drink lots of water (frequent consumption of small amounts throughout the day).

i dont mind avoiding those food neway since my heart cant handle caffeint and my stomach as never liked greasy food and dairy makes my acid reflux go crazy.
it makes me want to eat even less cause of all the pain that im in after so i really dont eat much nemore which is helping my weight loss tons :)

i also so syptoms of lactose intolerance
*Pain or cramps in the lower belly.
*Gurgling or rumbling sounds in the lower belly.
*Loose stools or diarrhea. Sometimes the stools are foamy.
*Throwing up.

and syptoms of celiac disease(gluten allergy)
•abdominal bloating and pain
•chronic diarrhea
•pale, foul-smelling, or fatty stool
•weight loss
and a few other sypmtoms of it that adults could have
•unexplained iron-deficiency anemia
•bone or joint pain
•bone loss or osteoporosis
•depression or anxiety
•tingling numbness in the hands and feet
•missed menstrual periods
•infertility or recurrent miscarriage
•canker sores inside the mouth
•an itchy skin rash called dermatitis herpetiformis

so lets just say that im a mess at the moment ha literallly a mess it took me an hour and half just to eatmy fruit bowl this morning i had to keep stopping cause the pain was to bad even ahd to hav ea BM in the middle of eating it yup thats how bad my stomach is atm lovely isnt it arent u gald u arent me.

but neway no work today for me i was schedule off good thing cause the my road is a mess we didnt get all that they were expecting though well at least my town didnt byt the ground is covered in snow and i couldnt go tot he gym today cause i didnt know how all the roads were.

but idid laundry today and i helped my sis make pizza dip and did crunches and read alot.
o im reading this great book on my kindle hehehe "hunger" by jackie kessler u guys edef have to read it its about the 4 horseman but the main character as an ed and she is famine so def read it.

food log for the day
*fruit bowl(apple, banana, tangerine)
*5 cookes(2 cut outs 3 italian)
* few tostitos dipped in the pizza dip( felt so sick after that)

*liter of water
*mug of peppermint tea

idk if ima eat dinner tonite or not ij ust had my 2nd BM of the day made the stomach pain stop for the moemnt an di have no desire to get it back so mayb i will just skip dinner and hope the pain doesnt come back it leaves me curled up in a ball on my bed not fun at all

o and im def gonna try and find the st johns wart cause i have all the symtoms of depression which i know i have but here are the symptoms
*Back pain.
*Muscle aches and joint pain.
*Chest pain
*Digestive problems
*Exhaustion and fatigue.
*Sleeping problems.
*Change in appetite or weight
*Dizziness or lightheadedness.

ok im sure that u are all tired of reading all that health shit lol so yeah im stop writing now love u all

*claude-i dont mind having ed books around everyone know si will read everything so they dont think twice about it. im lovingmy kindle :)

*mich-lol aww thanx hun ur sweet not everyone likes my outfits though. o crohns suck my grandma had it and it runs in the family well stomach issues run in the family yes please let me know what they are mayb i can get some for my stomach

*stfusarah- i liv ein northeast jersey right ont he border or jersey and pa its msall town that u prob havent heard of but i'll give u the county its warren county. and thanx hun

Sunday, December 26, 2010


so this is the outfit i wore on christmas

height 5'5 weight 103.8 bmi-17.3
yup those ar emy stats as of yesterdaymorning so im fianlly lsoing weight again yay idk if its from the diet pills or that i just get so sick everytime i eat that i just dont feel like eating much or nething at all i'll explain that later.

so my outfit was a purple sweater dress over leggings with knee high socks and my grey boots :). i had to borrow my sis's leggins that size small ones my mom got me were 2 big and my sis had a pair that were to tight on her and she let me wear them yes im older then her and im smaller then her :)

xmas went good i got stuff that i really liked :)
*boy got my a kindle(which i love) and the 10 disc collection ediotion of my toy story triliogy
*sis got me a grey sweater that has a heart on it and say love in the middle
*bro got me a $20 gift card to barnes and nobles
*parents- 3 sweater dresses, pair of jeans, belt, long sleeeve shirt, pair of pj pants, leggings, high socks
*nano and aunt- some money in a card.

the first stop on our xmas day was to my nano's house we were there for aobut hour and ahlf and i didnt eat nething at all i just had 2 glasses of water we had to deal with him trying to get us to eat cause none of us ate cause we were all going over my uants house later.

after that we went home for like an hour and mi made some mashed potates with soy almond milk

we got to my aunts house a lil after 2 and stayed til 730 this is waht i ate
*maybe 5 cookies(4 cut out one oatmeal)
*2 of my vegan cookies
*few handful of jelly beans
* some ritz crackers
*2 rolls
* and a few bits of my sis's lasgna

yes that is what i ate all day ididnt eat b4 or after so i tihnk that i did pretty good.
i got to play with my 3 lil adorabe cousins that i babysit. the littles one wasnt feeling well and i got thrown up on alot so when i got home i had to change out of my outfit for the nite with the boy. but it was a good day got to c my crazy family and everything.

the onlyt bad part was i was in alot of pain like alot im having alot of stomach issues lately netime i eat nething and i meant nething my sotmach hurts so bad someitmes i throw up sometimes i get bad diaharra and osmetimes im just sitting there in pain like pain and its not fun pain the really bad cramps and just the not wanting to move and i also get alot of the acid coming up my uncle has an idea of what it was. my souisn wasi nt he hopital over the summer and he says im showing almost all the same symptons of him and hes on meds and is on a special diet. the name is werid and long and i cant figure out how to spell it but its like stomach and intestines and stuff once i research it mor ei will let u guys know.

i wanna try and find the diet online for i can start following it and hoping it helps my aunts were telling me about it its like alot of fruit expcet cant have strawberries, black berries, raspberries,pinapple. but i can still have my bing cherries so thats all good at least.

today i had to work it was alil busy int he moring but it slowed down alot and we got to leave alil early
c im in the northeast new jersey and we are currently getting that big snow storm there were talking about different channels say different things some say 6-10 inches others say over 12 inches it all depends on how the tihng moves or sometihng
so my mom took me into work for i didnt have to drive home inthe mess an dmy dad picked me up i was supppose to work 10-630 but they let us out at like 550pm cause the mall wall was just so dead. yeah we slid a couple of times comiing home the havent treated the roads at all yet and knowing my town they will wait til the moring cause the owrse of it is suppose to come thru the nite.

food log for today
*bowl of frosted flakes with soy almond milk
*5 cookies
*can of progresso light soup chicken and italain herbs
*2 lil carmal candy things like bite size just caramel

i haven eaten dinner yet im sill deciding what i want i might just make a box of my v8 soup and just eat that cuase im so cold and im sure iw ill b in pain after but i wanna take another diet pill and i cant take that on an empty stomach

ima look on amazon and search for a skin for my kindle, a case for it, and a screeen potector i need to order all that. and i wanna order the yellow handechief and welcome to the rileys im so excited for them the first one i have been waitng ofr 2 years for it to come out on dvd casue its a indie movie

well love u all hopw ur having a good day

oo and update on me and boy we are ok we had a fight on xmas eve and talked/cried it out but we are ok right now i just gotta prove to him that i care that i love him i gotta make up for all the mistakes that i made. but he says im not the same happy girl nemore an diknow y its cause of my ed its my depression moslty i wasnt the depressed the first 3 years were were together we have been together 7 and half years and i relapsed about 4 years into our relationship and imve been struggling ever since. and my doc is clueless bout everything so i heard that st. johns wart or something like that is good for depression so ima look into getting that. i can deal with my ed its just the horrible depression and no selft esteem and no self confidance aand not dealing withmy emotions that is killing me

*skelton strong- aw thanx hun i though i looked really cute and my outfit for xmas is in this post so u get to c it. thanx hun ij ust really didnt feel like eating like i never fast on purpose i alwasy jsut like fall into it sorta

*s-meery xmas hun and thanx

Friday, December 24, 2010


so this is what i wore to work today

we were supppose to wear an ugly xmas sweater but id idnt have one so i went witht hat everoyone said i looked like an elf my boots ddidnt stay up so they wer like scrunched up and i also had on a santa hat
i think the otufit is very cute.

ive been really depressed lately i ate tomuch yesterday but i barely at today
c me and the boy got in a fight well not af ight i just fucked up again and im never good enough or pretty enough or just nething i will always b a failer and i will never b perfect enough for him i miss up everything every holidayjust everything i can never do nething right so whats the point in even trying nemore if no matter what its never gonna b good enough

so me equals failure not good enough not pretty enough not smart enoughim clueless and i forget things i cant do nething right so fuck me.

i went to best buy b4 work today i got him season 1 and 2 on how i meet ur mothers and the documentary life. idk if he really wants it but i asked him on wednsesday what he wanted which caused the fight he told me last week he saw a watch that he wanted but i didnt talk to hoim rest of the weeka nd iwassick i coudlnt think so i forgot to ask him waht one so when i brought it up on wednesday he got bad and he hasnt talked to me since he didnt kiss me or touch me on wednseday he didnt talk to me all day yesterday even wheni txted him and i havent heard nething form him today

c fuck up me just ruiined xmas again fuck i do it every year ugh.

i got new diet pills have u guys ever taken stacker 3 xplc. thats the ones that i got ur suppose to take 1 tablet after each meal and not go over 3 a deay i took one yesterday and one today i think it kept me up last nite i only slept like 2 hours last nite but idk if its from the pills or the fact that i was worried sick about what happened with the boy.

so i worked from 12-630 today and all i ate was 1 lolli(60) some chewy sour candy things(60) and i drank a thing of juice(130) so thats all i had today an didk if ima eat nething more tonite or not really i dont feel like it i dont deserve to eat cause im fat and gross and worthless

merry christmas everyone i hope that u are all good and i will post a pic of my xmas outfit tomm :)

mich-thanx hun its ok they dont have to pretend to like them the one girl at work really liked them cause i bought some in and i gave her the recipe

broken-thanx hunny


deseperee-well i took half of them to work and the ppl ate them thnere and thanx hun

Wednesday, December 22, 2010


so gonna update now since idk if i will b able to update later tonite

first off how the fuck did i letm yself get so fat look at me im gross my stomach sticks out u cant c my hip bones were are my ribs and my abs and just ugh its time to get this weight off of me

the laxs worked really well yesterday i dont feel all gross nemore but im still far as all hell ugh
no1 liked my cookies well in my house at least i made them try them and they said they are disguisting i like them though and ima bring them to my aunts houro n xmas mayb some of my other family will like them who knows

i have to work today 12-8pm just shoot me now and im still not feeling good at all but iw ill deal with it and make it thorugh my day i hope that they dont put me on register all day again i dont like being on it all day id rather b on the floor folding and putting stuff away and then jsut a lil regsiter time not 8 hours straight u know what i mean

i just had a bowl of low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal(120 cals) and now im working on drinking a liter of water and a cup of green tea before work.
im going to bring a can of select harvest light savory chicken with veggies(180 cals) to work with me. and also some fruit as well.

im going to mayb have a lil fruit b4 i go to work as well just for i dont get dizzy again and nearly fall over.

idk what ima eat after work i think the boy is coming over so that depends on what i eat

love u all have a good day

*lilah lee- i hate fractions witha passion u have no idea

claude-yay i hope that u like them

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

new vegan cookie recipe and lil update

so i found this cookie recipe online and i tweeked it a lil and this is what icame up with
i wanted to have cookeis for the holidays that i could eat sicne my family is big on holiday cookies so i was ona mission to make cookeis that i could have and that were low cal so here it is.
i will put the cals for every ingreident next to it for u know and u guys can tweek it to if u want u dont have to use the same nuts or fruits i used.

*3/4 cup dry oatmeal(used quaker oats)-225 cals
*1/4 cup dried cranberries(can use different dried fruit if u want)-98 cals
*1 cup mashed banana(turned out to b 2 bananas mashed up)- 200 cals
*1 tbsp soy milk(used unsweetened soy almond milk 35 cals a cup)- 2 cals
*1 tbsp Sugar free preserve(used polaner sugar free seedless raspberry)- 10 cals
*1/4 tsp salt- 0 cals
* 1/4 cup chopped nuts(used shelled walnuts)- 200 cals

*pre heat oven to 375 degrees
*mix all the ingredients together in a bowl
*spoon onto cookie sheet
*bake 10-12 minutes

*total cals for batch- 735 cals
*one batch of mix makes 24 cookies- 30.625 cals per cookie


on sheet after cooking

in container after cooled


sorry that i havent been updating much lately ij ust am so busy with work and then by the time i get home ijust so exhausted i cant think enough to type but i will try and update at least every other day for u guys.

im still sick i cant seem to kick this cold out of my system it settles into my chest and lungs and im not liking it much at all i still cough up a lung andmy head is all cloudy and my chest and lungs ugh dont even get started on that. i keep getting dizzy at work wven though i eat b4 hand so its prob just my sickness kicking my ass.

i had off today so i did alot of running around i relaly wanted to go to the gym but i didnt feelg ood this morning and then with all the runnign around it just didnt happen my sis cam for some of the running around. our first stop was to the car dealership cause i had to ge tmy oil changed so we had to seat there for an hour and wati for it to get done. or next stop was the one mall by the dealership my sis wanted to stop there she had to exchange something she got for her bday and the the one store had jackets on sale and mom wanted us to pcik out what we wanted to xmas the jackets were only 10 bukcs each so i got pink and she got white. we walked around once and she got hungry so i bought her a pretzel and i just go tmyself a mango smoothie.

we ten went to target were i got:
*theraflu cold and cough serve
*3 different kinds caffeien free tea( green tea, tangerine orange, and peppermint)
*shampoo and conditioner

we then went to a grocery story cause i had to get osme things and the ingredients to make my cookies but i got
* 4 cans light soup( 2 cans roasted chicken w italian herbs, minestrone w hole grain pasta, and savory chicken with veggies)
*peppredige farm light bread extra fiber
*bubmle bee white albacore in water(had a sale two 4 packs for 9 bucks so got that)
*hellmans light mayonaise
*6 apples
*bag od bing cheeries
*dried cranberries
*raspberry preserves
*quaker oats
*sugar free jello cups

then we came home and i put everything away then mom wanted to take us to kohs for she could buy us some clothes for xmas. shed rather we pick them out for she knows we like them then have her get them and not know. so i picked out a pair of candies size 0 jeans, small long sleeve shirt, 3 sweater dresses(small and xsmall some of them diddnt come in xsmall), belt, pair of black leggins and 2 pack of high socks.

when i finally got home i was home for good so i started my luandry im doing 2 load today and i made my cookies i made amess making them andmy mom and bro and sis just laughed at me im not much of a baker or cook i like to do it im just not good at it so i made a mess and i had shit everywhere kept aksing them questions and i had to keep asking my 2 ana friends to figure out the cals for me cause im horrible with fractions i can do ne other math except fucking fractions and geometry give me physics and im all good but fractions confuse the fuck out of me

so right now im just sitting here i took laxs earlier cause my sotmach is just so huge and bloated and i hate it im just waitng for them to work and i gotta clean up my room alil its a disaster area hello red cross my room needs ur help so after i fianllly get that all done ima do cruanchs cause lord knows my stoamch needs it.

well love ua ll
an di will try to get updated on all ur blogs i will try if i dont im so sorry

Thursday, December 16, 2010


wow i try to update everyday and usally i can but it looks like recently im doing every other day orevery couple days sorry fo rthat guys life jsut sucks an dim sick and exhausted and somtiems i just cant think of what to say.

im still sick work yesterday was hard my voice was so horse and ihad to talkt he hole time cause they put me on register for my 7 hour shift well minus the 2 hours i spent in the fitting room but still had to talk there. so yeah as soon as i spoke they knew i was sick they are like u dont sound good and thenim bent over coughing up a lung and they are like no dieing on us lol

yes im one of those ppl who work no matter what i could b barely able to stand and i would still b at work cause i dont do well with sitting around dong nuttin i know i shouldnt go to work when ims ick bu tim just so use to doing it i dont even think twice about it.

so i worked 7 hours yesterday and i had off today.
i babysat today my 3 lil cousins and we areall like sick so we are all miserable i got thrown up on alot by the lillest one the middle one was just miserable the oldest wasnt relaly sick just stuffy nose but still. at one point i was laying on the couch with my cuddle bug(3 month old) sleeping on my chest and munchin(4 yr old) curle dup next to b with wibble wobble(1 yr old trying to climb up as well. had them from 10-330pm my mom and sis where there as well. we decorted the tree well tried my sis and munchin did most of it me and wibble tried to help but we didnt really help much. bu ti love them and i would do nething for them

im exhausted my neighbors are scum bags and iw anna funcking kill them my parents called the cops on them last nite they had the much blasting and they were hammering and drilling and stomping up and down the stpes at like 1am and i just coudlnt take it nemore if u wann aowrk on ur hosue fine but do it during the day not in the middle of the nite an dmy room is right my the stairs so iheard everything its a row home just in case u were wondering its us then the scum bags and then another hosue we own our house the other 2 are rented out. my mom even called the landlord on them cuase its just ridc ugh im exhausted an di acutally wanted to sleep last nite cause i felt so hoprrible now watch tonite then will b quite and my inosomnia will b a bticha nd iwont b able to sleep

food log yesterday(12/15/10) kinda messed upa lil
*2 sugar cookes-?
*can chicken noodle soup-180
*20 grapes-40
*8 peanut m&m's-?
*small baked potato-100
*small chicken-100
*cup veggies-30

yeah did bad that day

food log today nto to good either
*grapes and cherries-80
*lays chips-150
*2 slices light bread-90
*white albacaore tuna-60
*3 slices tomatos-?

*mug of tea
*2 liters of water

idk what i drank yesterday ir eally dont remember

i keep jumping between 105.4 lbs and 106 ugh i hate that i never should of tried to get better and gained weight those weightsw right there are nomral for me if i eat nomral well nomral as i know it my weight is between 105-110(yes im one of those annoying natural skinny ppl) so once i gain to those weights i palteua and its hard for me to lsoe again so it takes some time but once i break that platuea i wont plateau again till 100 and then hopeuflly ican get to 95 lbs thats all i want right now but i gotta stop eating so much i havent been doing good at all and i ahvent been adding up my cals either ive juts been eating which irelaly have to stop doign ugh.

and i gotta get to the gym more but its so hard witht he fact that i work between 30-40 hours a weak and im just so tired after that.
hopefully i wont eat nemore tonite god i hope not i just have to stay strong and let ana take over again get back into my strict self that i know i can b cause ive been there b4 and have stayed there for awhile

scarlet- aw thatnx hun im glad u like it even thoughi dont think im that intereasting

hanrietta-oatmeal isnt for eveyrone

broken-yeah i knwo i shoudlnt of but i watned to thanx hun

mich-mayb i shoudl try some sudafed mayb it will work better then what im taking

claude-yeah tis hard working when u feel so bad but u do what u have to do

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


so had the day off of work today its weird im not use to having a day off again i worked all of last week and then sunday and monday of this week and now i have off today and i have off again on thursday,

igot stuff down today though i did 4 loads of laundryyup count them 4 my sheets, comformter, clothes, and then jeans so yes all my laundry is done

i still ahve t paint my nails yet though im planning on redoing them ijsut havent yet
but i took my si to the gym with me cause i could bring a guest so she came with me i did 65 mins on elly burned 451 cals and she did 40 mins on elly and then walked for 20 on tready idk hjow many cals she burned though

i prob shouldnt of wokred out causei m still sick and u can tell im sick my voice is all werid and my mom said i look like shit so yeah thanx mom but im taking 3 aleve every 12 hours to help witha ll the pain im in and then mucinex ever 12 hours for the cest congestion and then robutision ever 4 hours for everything else

im still really tired and weak my head is all cloudy and i lose my train of thought and i get dizzy and my legs almost give out all the time. im coughing albot and my ribs hurt form that thjers still alot of pressure in my chest and ribs but i think the combo of meds is helping that a lil i just get shaprt pains i my chest but ithink that is more ed related thens ick related

ims till working on getting all caught up on ur blogs i read some today but i got s omany so if i dont get to all of them m so sorry

food for today

9am-bowl of oatmeal
then til 5am-snacks on some sugar cookes and had a lil cake icicng
5pm- bag of frozen green beans and 100 cal pringle pack

*2 mugs of tea
*2 liters of water
* cup of 10 cal lemonade

idk if ima eat nemore today we will c my sotmach hurts so bad an di dont have much of an appetite from being sick so hopefully i will still lose weight

work went good yesterday i spent most of my time on the register they are training me for that and i did much better then the first day i thinki was jsut nervouse but i did reallly good yesterday proudo f myself yay :)im getting along with allm y coworkers one is crazy and lies alot and ppl dont like her and yeah so i avoid her as much as i can but i worked 7 hours yesterday

after work i went to target i needed to get my cold medicine soi got my muscinex, robutusin, and cough drops. also got hat glove scarf set for my one cousins xmas present. got 3 nail polishs and new clippers and emery board i can never find mine. and also more makeup so mascare eyeliner and 2 eyeshadow palletes one is a bronzy thing and other is like shadowy one. and also 2 laurne conrad books i read her first one never read the other too but surpsingly shes a good writer.

well im off to relax
sorry for the quick post im really out of it
love ua ll

Monday, December 13, 2010


sorry i didnt update all wkd i worked and i was just so exhausted that i coudlnt even think enough to form words so i will give u a quick overview of the wkd and then hopefully after work today i can catch up on all urlovely blogs.

well lets c on friday i worked 10-1 and then i did some xmas shopping i think i told u guys this already but friday nite we went out ot eat as per usualy. we went to red robin iw as gonna get my normal apple harvest salad but the boy pointed out this new rice terrikyiy bowl u can either get it with chicken or vegetables. so i decided to get it with vegetables i looked up the cals online and it was 592 cals for the hole thing and it w as huge i ate like 1/4 of it. and took the rest home.

when we got home i talked to hima bout how i tried to b normal i relaly tried to get better for him but i hate the way i look. my stomach is huge as im poking at it. i told him i gained weight an di told him my weight heslike thats ag ood weight. im like i just dont like it i dont hes like but wasnt ur heart feel ing better cause u were eating more nutrients iml ike yeah but ugh.

so he said that i could cut my cals down eat healthy like i can have my fruits and veggies. i can cut the cals as long as i promise to keep eating cause he doesnt want me to strain my heart nemore then i already have( heknows how bad my heart is). and i can workout more well if i can get tot he gymw ith work. and i can lose the weight i gained so yay me ij ust have to watch my heart that was the compromise and shit.

saturday i worked 12-930pm it was so tiring i went home showered real quick and picked up the boy by 10:05pm and we went out to eat again he diecded that he didnt want to go out with hes friends that he wanted to hang out with me so we went to applebees and ijust got a wrap

yesterday i wroked 11-630pm and then went to th grocery store after i got 6 apples, 5 taqngerines, lb bing cherreis, and 2 lbs of grapes. also got 2 boxes of cereal and some unsweetened 35 cal almond milk.

ok i gotta run my cousins are here im watching them for a lil b4 i go to work form 12-7pm

im getting sick or im exhausted or my pheumonia is coming back idk but my chest and ribs front and back hurt so bad its somuch pressure and i just wanna pike them and cut it open to let the pressure out

love u all stay strong i'll psot more later

Friday, December 10, 2010



weight at 730 this morning 106.8
weight at 530pm after my second shower 105.8

so app i lose a lb today so yay for that it was prob just water weight but stilla loss is a loss an di need all the weight loss i can get right now
my lower stomach needs the most walk i got a nice bump an dit needs to go away and my thighs need to get a lil smaller but i doubt that will happen sinceim an exercise addict so yeah but 95 lbs here i come

heres a pic of my new coat i bought today

it was time for a new coat and i fell in love with it at work so after my shift today i bought it and some xmas presents but we will talk about that later

today was suppose to b my day off but i endedupt working a few hours the nice manger guy asked and since it was him i said yes an di also said 3 hours later yesterday as well so after tomm i will have work 39 andhalf hours this week yup thats alot
tomm i work 12-9pm today i worked 10-1 pm iw as suppsoe to stay til 3 but id b over 40 hours then and cant work over 40 hours there so i had to leave at 1. yesterday iw as suppsoe to work 12-6 ended up doing 12-9 instead i was tired after that.

and i didnt bring food wit mie cause i was jsut gonna eat when i got home a lil after 6 so i had to buy something i ended pup gettng a chicken wrap from pizza place there my mall does have a food court just 2 pizza places, chinese and a pretzel place os yeah not many options. but the wrap was huge and it caome with sid eof chips and a pickles. so i ate one half of the wrap few bites of the pickle and the chips and took the rest home which i ended up eatign later that nite neway

as of right now i have off on tuesdays and i cant wait i wanna go to the gym and get a work out in i need a good workout at this point i havent been there all week cause of work

today hafter work i did some shopping yup i hopped at work i had to get my sis's bday and xmas presents and ineeded a cote. so i got a coat(pictre above) and a sweater(also pictured above) got myself a pair of pj pants and a scarf. for my sis i got her a 2 scarves a zip up hoodie and a sweater its a combined bday xmas present her bday is 18th then xmas is 25th. also picke dup a few things for my mom as well.

then i walked donw to gerturde hawk and got the boys mom present every year i get her a lb box of choc and she loves it so i did that.

man is it cold today it was even fulrring a lil bit ugh i hate cold weather caus im already cold as it is and then u add in the cold weather an dits just a disaster ugh.

so today i worked 10-1 constntly moving an dwalking and folding and putting things away, then i cleaned up my room, orgainzed my closest, and vaccumed the lil carpet in my room.

food for today apple, few handful chips, banana
drinks, mug of green tea, bottle sobe lifewater 0 mango melon, bottle of water

ima watch a year withotu a santa clause and finish getting read
lov eua ll


belle-yeah its risky but i trust her an di can only hope that she doesnt tell neway and its a huge weight of ur sholders to have at least one person u dont have to hide form

acka11-yes we can stop binging i need to ugh im sure we can stop though adn lsoe weight

alice-its cool hun uve been going thru ur own things. lik eyeah i can talk to her but im still not gonna b compltely honest id might scare her off if she knew everything u know
and yes we can get to 95 lbs def

desesperee de maigrir- i cant get rid of my bangs my forhead breaks out alot and bad so i like to hide it so the bangs are neccesary

petite girl- im glad that u have some1 that u can talk to as well its nice to have some1 that understand u or at least understand part of it

believe-yeah thats all u can do wait and c what happens just take it one day at a time and it works

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


so i kinda got found out today
one of my coworkers is very observant and she notices i never eat at work ro only eat like salad or chicken and she made acomment and i guess my face gave it away
so now she knows about my lil ed well not little but uknow what i mean

i trust her though like from the first moment i started working there and she was there we just clicked its like idk we were instant friends so i can trust her an diknow that she would tell neone she better not

she doesnt have an ed but she loves to workout and she eats healthy well fof r the most psrt she likes her chinese but shes more of a eat alot and workout kinda of aperson

we had a nice long talk shes very curious i liteally hid in teh fitting room for like 30 minutes with her and jsut talked yeahi do work at my job lol but yeah we talked its like she was my thearpist she doeswnt understand it but shes curious but i trust

shes like thats it we are going to worl or ur self image we are gonna go shopping sometime and get new clothes and get our hair done do a makeover tahts it we are doing it no argueing with me so yeah

shes a few inches shorter then me and 110 lbs yes she told me i didnt tell her my weight but i said its the highest ive been in a while

but yeah so im found out already ive only been wokring there 2 weeks now and i guess my ed is that obivous

i need t lose weight though im tired of being fat scale sasi 107 lbs this moring ew hate that number
i gotta work on my binges if i stop binging i will b ok
i just relaly wanna b 95 lbs thas all i really want right now
so yeah the plan i made yesterday i stuck to it well for the most part alil varaitoins
b-oatmeal and some iced animal crackers
l(break at work)-2 cookies fruit bowl(didnt eat it all there was still some apple and mano left
d-grilled chicken 2 slices light 7 grain bread(toasted) and a few tomany tostios

drinks- mugh of blueberry tea, mug of acaimango tea, grande caffeien free green tea(bought it from place at mall), almost 2 liters of water

i didnt ear my heart monito starp today so idk my heart raite or howmany cals i burnt i just work my watch for i new teh time.
but i work 9 hours well 8 had an hour break but yeah i was on my feet the hole time if i wasnt mocing i was standing. spent 3 hours in the fitting room(broken up thru out he day) hour and half training on the register and then rest just u know folding and putting clothes back.

my thumbos hurt trying to get those damn security tags off clothes is a bitch sometiems the magneitc thing doesnt work right idk but my thumbs were bleeding fro gripping them so hard ugh

ttomm i work 12-6 and then ihave friday off
but this wkd we can wear pj's so i have to buy pj's from work tomm to wear themo n saturday at least i will b ocmfy for my 9 hour shift there

it was flurring a lil today off and on nuttin stuck though but damn it was cold really cold and windy and its suppose to b even colder tomm gotta love winter in the north east ugh ih ate the cold im alwasy cold as it is and then add in the weather its like im cold to my bones

i really gotta clean my room b4 friday when i c the boy its a disaster a copletel disaster ugh like i have my ocd moments and the i have moments wer eijust dont care and yeah my roomis more like organized chaos

ok tomm ima do oatmela for breakfast again i'll bring some fruit strpes to work tomm(didnt eat the ones i was suppose to eat today) adn dinne idk mayb soup and toast

love u all time to relax and watch tv mayb do some crunhes
i cant wait for firday i need to workout like mad and i wan my elly so gym friday

lov2laff-ive gained 6 lbs im 107 sometiems i think the binges are huritng it worse cause its making it hurt more an dyeah i buy my own food so i gotta stop buying the snack items

mich-wait u cant find the pepperidge farm bread by u really did u check target and walamrt and all the grocery stores yeah i need to get neosporin it itches lik ea bitch

sarah-thanc hunny ur comments mean alot

helen vet- i have no idea what u said to me

Tuesday, December 7, 2010


so yeah i really dont have much to say cause i binged again today i saw im not gonna do it nemore that the next day i will do better and everything will b ok i will lsoe the weight i gained and i will look bettter and not hate myself as much as i do now but yeah that all went down hill today ugh i suck

well this moring i ate: cup of southerwestern soup, mango, few chips, and some ice cream
before work had a banana
at work at a promgrante fruit bar
dinner had can of low sodium healthy choice chicken noodle soup
after dinner half a bag of baked tostios and almost a hole box of generic iced animal crackers

yup im fat and gross an di hate myself and y can tijust fucking stop eating al ready god mdanit fucking sucks i need to get my contorl back but tis so hard with working somuch and then having to worry about my damn heart the heart monitor strap digs intp my ribs at work it starts to hrut after awhile ugh i relaly hate msyle fna dmy life

work wnet good though 5 hour shift today i kept moving most of the time a dim getting to know the other workers more but its so fucking cold in the store i had on a long sleeve shirt and a sweater an di was so cold tomm i work 9 hours ima just wear a nice warm bagggy sweatshirt i cant b an icicle for 9 hours it just wont work.
but yeah work i spend my days putting clothes away and folding clothes im not trained on register so i dont do that but they ahve strted to put me in the fitting room we all get an hour shift in there and it gets boring casue u just stand around but tis good u can zone out in my case let my mind wonder give it a break but its even colder in there

after work today id eicdd to go ot target and get some snacks for i have them here for my 5 or shorter hour shifts at work i can just bring some snacks my longer shift i will bring acutal food but it back fired a lil as u can tell by my binge but i got
*baked tostios
*iced animal crackers
*peppreidg e farm light bread 45 cal a slice
*2 v8 soup boxes
* 100 cal packs of prinles
*2 boxes fruit strips 45 cals for one
*nautre valley bars oats and honey
* ritz pretzel crackers

i also made plan for tomm sinc eim working 9 hours ima need nergy and everything so i go tmy food plan down

b- oatmeal and 1 slice 45 cal toast
l(i get an hour break)- fruit bowl apple banana and mango
snacks at work(15 min breaks)- 2 fruit strips
d-grilled chicken and soemthing else dk what yet

and i will prob have a snavk b4 bed if i really need it dont know what it will b though

and i really shoudl of went on friday and got stitches my cut is gross i cut friday i reopened in on satruday and i hit it today and it started bleeding it still bubbles when i clean it with peroxide and its like a nice gapping hole its gonna b a nasty ass scar
i rly gotta try adn break that habit again

thank u guys for ur comments on my last post it relaly means alot

Monday, December 6, 2010


so ij ust spent an hour getting caught up on all the blogs sincei kinda fell over the face of the planet in blog world this wkd so ihad some catching up to do and yes i read and commetned on the blogs i missed well most of them i think i might of missed a few and if i missed urs in so sorry

so this is my 300th post wow thats alot damn ive been blogging for what a year and half now but wow i cant beleive ithat i have that many post and 210 followers ilove u all u area ll thebest and i hope that i dont bore u guys to much

i want to apologize to u guys for disappearing this wkd my depression has gotten really bad and iddint know y at first and then i realized its decemeber its december ugh me and december dont get along at all.

c my grandmother passed way 7 years ago in decemeber well december 2nd to b exact i knew there had to b a reason y i was so depressed and binging so much and it hit me this wkd about my grandmother me and her were very close and i miss her so much. the boyfriend never got to meet her we were only together a few months b4 she passed and she owuld of loved him go she would of and she would of insisted on being called gram i miss her so much

my mom keeps talking about her(it was her mom) she keeps telling all the flower that are on the grave and the grave balnkets and pillows they got her and this poem my uncle wrote her. now shes telling me this cause i cant go to her grave i just cant me and my one cousin are the only ones who just cant go its to hard for me i cant go and everyone undertands that so they tell me what they got her. and on the off chance that my mom wanst to go while im in the car i stay in the car with my head turned the other way music on trying to distract myself. i know its not healthy that i cant go but ijust cant accepted it i dont wanna she her grave ij ust dont wanna.

and i dont wanna hear about what they got her either its just to hard but they telll me neway and its no tlike i can just tell thema ll to shut the ufckup that would b rude so i listena nd i get depressed and i cry. now i kno wy my emotions were all over theplace.

but now that i know i can work onmy depression i know its gonna b bad all month but mayb i can fianlly get my binging under contorl and i can lose the weight i gained.

yes i gained weight i amnow 105 lbs ugh i weighed this morning.
i binged alot this wkd way to mucha nd we wont go into all the details but it was lot f bread and a can od cake icing and way more stuff as well.
my heart didnt like me at all for that it had to work so much harder cause of all the food and god it was scarying me after i ate i had to lay down for i woudlnt get up and purge all the food i ate i refused to purge i didnt wannag et in that cycel so i wouldjust have to lay there for like 10 minutes not moving until i didnt feela s sick and i coudl get up and move.

this wkd was blah tom uch food but i did get to workout since i had off of work last week
friday nite was date nite we went to tgifridays i got my nomral dragonfire chicken and the boy made me eat most of it i told him i have bene eating way to much lately hes like y im like cause i tried to b normal again i cant hes like i just eat on a scheudle and im like i hate food that was the nd of the convo we really didnt go into nething he knows that i hate my stomach like relaly hate it idk mayb he thinks that im jsut like going thru something or idk that since im eating he wont bug me until i lose the weight again idk does that make ne sense it doesnt really make sense to me but yeah

we went and say due date after dinner it was funny our 2 friends were with us at dinner and the movie

saturday i started xmas shopping and went to the gym
sunday went to the gyma s well
so last week i went tot he gym sunday, monday, tuesday, friday, saturday and sunday
so yes good workout week
this week wont b a good workout week at all.

i gotta work alot so iw ll prob only b able to go to the gym friday but iw ill burn enough being at work.

so started my xmas shopping i got a few ppl done. got all 3 ofm y cousins done the 3 lil ones that i watch and i got my other 2 cousins done as well so thas a good start for me

i sitll have to figure out what ima get the boy he got me 2 things and hes nervous for some reason he keeps saying ihope that u like it and look i will like nething he got me he doesnt have to get me nething id b happy just hanging with himi dont need gifts to knmow that he loves me.

buti gotta figure out what to get him im thinking flyers tickets and mayb broadway tickets he keeps mentioning that he would love to see a show so i gotta look not that.

during my shopping trips i did buy a heart monitor watch my pedometer watch broke so i got a new one this one comes with a strap that u wear rigth under ur chest like right under ur bra and then u wear ur watch and it tracks ur heart rate and also give u cal burns and a hole lot of other stuff its good liets me keep track of my heart the lowest it dropped today was 64 the highest it wnt was 240 bpm

yeah the high is really high but i had soda today and im not suppose to b drinkng ne sort of caffeine so yeah that would do it.

i wate to much again today not as much as i have been eating but still to much so im workingo ut it

im hoping i can get it under control soon for i can get this weight i gained off
i worked 10-2pm today and i was gonna go tot eh gym after but i just deicded that i didnt want to i had enough of ppl and ijust wanted to go home so i stopped filled my car up with gas and bought myself something to eat
a nice size grilled chicken chicken salad(lettuce, hot chicken, hot peppers, pickle chips, cucumbers, oregaon) and a small chicken noodle soup

ti was yummy filled me up
so alli ate today is
*bowl of oatmeal
*rest of my cake icicng
*grilled chicken salald
*small chicken noodle soup
*vending machine pack of twizzlers
*1 choc cihp cookie

ima try and not eat nemore today cause i think thats more then enough cals well its way more then enough cals

and its so cold so so so cold
we finally got the snow they wre calling for today so we have a nice dusting ont he ground crazy weather
i gotta work tomm 12-5pm nice 5 hour shift :) it was freezing in there today like iw as shivering the hole time
my watch said i burend 631 cals today to yay me


lov2laff-its hard to tell a cutter not to cut cause they dont listen ha but dont worry im ok i need stitches but im ok

mich-yeah i cant find ne of those bandiase i looked for them at the store the other day and couldnt find them damn ugh cause i reopened it yesterday so it looks even grosser but im taking care of it

desesperee- we jsut got our snow now we didnt have it in the monring got it later but we hav ea nice dusting on the ground

Friday, December 3, 2010



so there u have it the outfit for date nite dinner and moive with hes friend and girfiend.
dont mind the fatness ugh i feel like ih ave gained som uch weight lately an didk how yeah ive beene aitingmore but i dont htink it was enough to gain that much weight ugh im fat and gorss and just ew ugh i hate looking at mysel fidk how u guys can look at me but i know u like seein gmy outfits so i just had to post.

had a mini binge today i went to the gym after burend 477 cals and also did about 45 mins of curnches so hopefully that helped but i did eat a lil stuff after ugh im fat i gotta stop eating.

got my hair all dyed and done it didnt turn out exaclty how i was picituring but hey it still worked and yes i did it myself at first glance it just looks like all black but when u get it in ther ight light u can c the red. so in the pic i tried to stand under the light for u guys can c. here it is

so i think that i need stitches again i always need stitches but i never go and get them no wonder my scars are really bad yup i cut today ijust look at myself in the mirror and its just ew so i cut to try and make the voices stop its just one cut byt my razors suck so i have to go over it a few times til i get it deep enough. knowing me i will reopen again tomm and make it deeper yeah im crazy like that i like pain it makes me feel better and numb at the same time yeah werid but o well that is who i am.

i went to toys r us with my mom today to look at stuff for xmaas for my cousins but we coudlnt find nething so ima go to target tomm.
Eclipse comes out on dvd yay cant wait so ima go and get tthat fo rmsyelf of course and then start my xmas shopping i can get a few ppl done there so yay and then ima go tot he gym and workout.
ima try and do mostly fruit tomm try is the word i seem to b failing alot lately but yeah i need to get the fat off

i got my work schedule yesterday for next week finally they are trying to kill me
mon-5-930pm tue-12-5pm wed-10-7pm thur-12-6pm fri-off sat-12-9pm
i hope that my heart is ok enough to handle tha ti dont wanna almost pass out again

ok i gotta go finshed gettign ready real wuick b4 we go out
hope everyone is having a good dday love u all stay strong

Thursday, December 2, 2010


so id ont really know what im doing nemore my head is just all over the place idk if i wanna b healthy or if i wanna b sick or ssemi sick or really sick ij ust dont know whats going on my head wont shut up
so righ tnow im just going with the flow i guess. if i dont feel like eatin for a day or a few days i wont if i wanna restrict then i will if i wanna eat nomral for some reason then i will i guess thats just the only way i can do things right now til i can get my head sorted out which i prob will never get it completely sorted out cause im just a crazy crazy mess but u guys love me neway so i guess thats ok

i took laxs twice this week yup twice i havent doen the twice a week thing in over a year well i guess tahts going down hill i wanna do it again today but im not going to cause i can feel myself getting dehryadted between the laxing and the diuretics ad i dont wanna dehryadte myself even more so im not gonna laxs tonite ima ddrink lots of water and take more diurtetics and hopfully i dont feel like a fat ass tomm ugh.

ima go tot he gym tomm morning prob gonna do 65 mins on elly lik ei always do i need to get a wokrout in. i did crucnhes last nite and ran in place alil so i got alil workout in yesterday and babysat today so that burns cals as well.

i currently got hair dye in my hair im dying it all black right now and then tomm after the gym ima put red streaks in it i will post a lil of it tomm if it comes out good for u guys can c it.

like i said i babysat today from 10am-430pm it was fun and tiring and just yeah. i spent most of the day taking care of my lil cuddle bug we layed on the couch alot and just cuddles i did also play with the other ones as well. but mostly took care of the 3 month old. its hard to rememver everything we did but im tired so that means osmething.

ugh food wise it could of been better but it also coudl of been worse breafkast i had cup of southwestern corn soup(140) and cup of tea. while i wa babysitiing i just pretty much munched on stuff so i had few bites of bread, some nerds, couple chips and cookies. after they left had like 4 lil spoons of ice cream and 2 more cookies. later im thinking of making myself a nice big chicken walnut salad.

hopeuflly i wont binge later like i did yesterday yesterday was just one big binge fest.

k i really gotta go and rinse out th edye i was suppose to rinse it out like 10 minutes ago lol


docle-hey hun thanx i knwo u will always b here for me an di will b for u o yeah hey speaking of that i keep going to ur blog to read ur post and it wont let me i click on the button like im suppsoe to and it tells me i cant right click but im not right clicking im left clicking so idk if its the layout or just my screw up computer i feel bad cause i really wanna read ur posts

beautifulbones-thanx hun

mich-aw thanx hun an di love u all as well
um th esweater i got it a few years ago at kohls

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


outfit that i wore for my job interview today

i had an interview for a part time teachers aide postion today it was 830am and it was pouring but surprisngly it was 60 degress but the temp kept droppign and dropping thru out the day and now the high for tomm is only 40 hey no wonder im always sick every winter.

so yeah interview sorry but it went good it lasted 5 mins mayb 10 tops but they had 2 positions open teachers aide for classromm and teachers aide for special ed asked what one i would prefer i went for the the classroom one. they just asked like maybe 5 questions i answered them the best i could. it helped that ihave worked with kids int he past. i told them that i babysit and at my old job i lifeguarded and taught swim lessons that im also certified in cpr, first aide, and aed but i prob would have to renew them they said they offer that thru the school most likely. they asked if i was interested in subsitute teaching i said i was going to look into i just havent yet she said it would b a good thing to ahve that and then u candc if u really like teaching and wanna make a career change.

like oneo f the questions was just like developmental like how to handle it i didnt really know what thye meant so ijust said that i would b pateint and pay close attentino to the kid and c exactly what they need or struggling with they seemed pleased with that answer.
the one interview was like assistant principal when was in high school me and her didnt get along but idk if she really remembered me or not but she did say it was nice to c me doing so well with my life that if i getmy bacholars degree that she knew a good school that was good for economics and business and she gave me the name of the school. i had to ask abou tmy earrings they didnt seem to have a problem with it they said if it was like facial piercings then mayb but there wasnt really a rule for it but they seemed fine it to like intpretate professinal as i c fit.

my old boss use to b the ones interviews old neighbor so idk how that is gonna go sicne things ended weird there but its a part time postion 3 and half hours m-f and its mornings they asked what i was doing now and i told them about me current job and that if i do get this job then all i would have to do was change my availability there they asked if i was planning on working both jobs i was honest and said yes

they seemsed pleased and said i did good and they were very nice that they would let me know in the middle of decemeber..
i acutally saw soem1 i went to high school with and worked at my old job with for awhile as i wias leaving she was interviewing as well and i talked to her for a lil b4 she got called back shes nice me and her always got along so now its just a wait and c game.

i still havent heard nething from old navy they havent called or emailed me my scheudle for next week yet so idk whats going on there they seem pleased with the work i do ima very hard worker so guess i gotta wait for that as well if i dont hear from them by saturday i will give them a call
when i gotm y scheudle for this week it said i was off all week i asked 2 ppl about it and they said they would take a look and call me so its just a waitng game.

i had my one lil cousin today my munchin shes 4 years old as she put it it was jsut us girls today her me and my mom it hasnt been just us since her borthers were born we ahve been watching her since she was 2 months old so i love her so much. she started preschool this year and its only 3 times a week til lunch time so her mom dropped her off with us int he afternoon and went back tow rk her borthers were at their nanas house.

but she bought over lunchable and chips and of course she has to share its usaully th eonly way she will eat if i share with her or if i make it so we had to sahre that and cookies and ice cream yeah my tummy hurts. but neway we ahd fun playing ahd her for about 3 and half hours

we played tag, hide and seek, school, watched tv, had a tickle fight and also had a jump and kick on dani fight were i just kept tickling her. i will bprob have bruises but we had lots and lots of fun.

we ahve all 3 of them tomm from 10am-330pm mayb longer we will c but yay all 3 i can paly with my munchin, chase after wibble wobbble and cuddle with my cuddle bug it will b a tirng day but a good tiring day.

now i said that iw as gonna dot his healthy yestterday but i had a very bad freakout today really bad and realized that i just cant do it not yet at least. i have tired to recover mutiple times thru out the years and it never works i think im just different becausei didnt develop this ive been this way since i have been born, i was born so early and so little and ihave somany food issues. ihave hated the way i looked since i was litlle. i have really werid food habits i have never been like the rest of my family i have always been different i ahve never eaten nomral the boy pointed that out even when id o manage to semi recover im still not nomral and i prob never will b so whats the point of point of trying to recover if i know that its not gonna happen at least not right now.

the way i work is i have to hit rock bottom i need help i know i need help but i cant gethelp til im sick enough and iwill never ask for help i will never walk into doctors or hopstial and say i have an eating disorder can u help me. the only way i will gethelp is to hit rock bottom and that means ihave to get sick ih ave to lsoe weight i have to get so sick that they wheel me into the hsopital thats just how i am

please dont hate me for that guys i know u guys were proud and happy that i was gonna try and b healthier but i just cant do it tno yet the freako ut was bad today for me.
i will try again eventually i promise its jsut right now the urge to lsoe weight is somuch stornger then the urge to lsoe weight.

today was bad food wise cookie binge enough said and u knwo me and dairy so i dont feel very well. i took 6 laxs after munchin got picked up so they should b working later.
i did abunch of crunches and i will do more as well.
tomm ima get back to restricting ihave aplan set in my head but its just tentative sincei m babysitting again tomm.

igot tired of having allm y books away in my drawers so i took them all out and now they are scattered in piles around my room of course they are orgainxzed its just organized chaos ha im good that them. i for 4 stacks under my tv on a shelf. for like 5 stacks oln my one shelf and 4 on my dresser and they are high stacks i have alot of books i lov emy books. so in order to have them out i put my movies int the drawers and put some other random stuff in there as well so my room is its noraml organized chaos

now can ijust comment ont herain today fuck that was crazy and if ur in jersey or u know the northeast in general u know what im talkinga bout im glad its done now though but still its gonna b cold as fuck tomm i cant imagine ifit would of been snow that would of beencrazy.

well off to do more crunches and wathc the flyers game love u all thanx for putting up with my crazy self and my crazy rambling and my crazy mind.