Monday, November 30, 2009


small apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
1/2 cup blueberries-40 cals
brownie-80 cals
i got a bad nose bleed after the brownie so im guessing ana wasnt to happy with me that was my 5th nose bleed in 4 days its insane and driving me nuts i hate it

small apple with cinnamon- 25 cals
chicken noodle soup- 150 cals

salad(lettuce, cucumber, hot peppers, tomates, 2 pickles, wine vingar)- 80 cals
cup of popcorn- 25 cals

after work snack
bowl of frosted flakes- 150 cals

3 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 575

65 minutes hill work out walking on treadmill- 494 cals burned
7,596 steps taken- 191 cals burned

total cals burned- 685

im dong laundry so im running up and down the steps so that will b some extra cals and i also have to do my crunches yet today so thats even more. im rereading wintergirls for like the 7th time i love that book and ive decided if lia can b that strong and get doen 2 89 lbs( thats were i am in the book now) then i can too so thats it time to get serious and get this fucking weight off already

so i work at a tanning salon/ dive shop/ aquatic center. i practically run the tan side and i do the dive side when the boss is away im also a lifegaurd on the pool side. i life guard pool parties and i have done swim lessons in the past. so me and my coworker are cleaning up after the party the second one that weekend and we are talking ( she knows about my ed) and she tells me that the parents at bday parties and swim lessons ask her if im ok shes like they go "does she eat shes so small are u sure shes ok ur sure she eats" my coworker goes "yes of course she eats she eats all the time trust me she has a healthy appetite" i love my coworker she so saved me there i just hate how ppl automatucally assume that us anas dont eat we eat we just dont eat normal we eat enough to survive and thats it ugh and then we are carrying chairs we are still in are bathing suits with sweat pants over top and she goes aww look ur lil spine is stikcing out thats so cute

so i love her to death she is a great coworker and i can talk to her about nething she use to b bulimic so she understands shes not mia nemore but at least she understands can talk to her i told her i do make myself throw up i never told her that b4 but she understood and id judge me i havent told her about the cutting though she has asked about all the scars i just make up excuses cause i doubt that she will excpet that as easy as the other things

well girlies i have to finish laundry and so crunches and read more of wintergirls stay strong love u all :)

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


hey guys sorry that i havent posted much lately ive been extremely busy. i work an insane amout and by the time i get hom at the endof the day im just too exhausted to even go online so i usually just lay on my bed till ipass out and then sleep for a lil its not like i ever acutally sleep thru the nite though so im just still exhausted the next day but hey what u gonna do about that

im getting myself back on track cause im disguuisted with myself and how much i have been eating lately so im determined to porve to myself and ana that im worthy of here and that i can do this. every time i eat my heart goes insane it starts beating fast well fast for me at least and then i get extremly tired and all i wanna do is lay there but i gotta stay strong and work out more

yesterday i didnt eat all day til dinner i got a salad with lettuce, pickles, cucmbers, hor peppers, and a lil grilled chicken ima say it was around 200 cals then i had a bagel 260 cals i cleaned my room for and hour and of course the junk food eater in me watned ice cream 140 to total yesterday i had 600 cals

today i had a bow of cheerios 140 cals this moring for breakfast and 3 homemade choc chip cookies i was home by myself so i worked out a lil i did 200 jumping jack, ran up and down the steps 20 times and did 50 crunches. i have to go run around now and get all the shit i have to get down today b4 work

stay strong girlies love u all

Monday, November 16, 2009


1/2 grapefruit- 30 cals
small apple w/ caramel- 60 cals
candy corn- 80 cals

salad(lettuce, tomato,pickles, balsamic vingar)- 60 cals
vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
1 melba toast cracker- 10 cals

salad(same as dinner)-60 cals
small apple- 25 cals
5 melba toasts crackers- 50 cals

5 bottles of water- o cals
hot choc- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 480

65 minuts on elly- 508 cals burned
7,926 steps taken- 200 cals burned

total cals burned- 708

Friday, November 13, 2009


well look who it is yup its me i know wow its been what over a week since i updated i apoligze ive just well been eating way to much and i felt ashamed and didnt even wanna write it down. i feel like im losing ana and i dont want that she cant leave me know shes been with me to long to just up and walk out like really y would she do that. but i had a majr mental breakdown today which resulted in me taking way to many pills how many i coudln't tell ya didnt count lol but i took biotin, b12 and green tea w/hoodia i jsut wanted to get high and pass out and escape my world for a while but as u can c since im typing now that that didnt happen my head isnt even cloudy ijust wish i could b happy i wish i could trust myself and other ppl but i cant i cant trust ne1 myself included. everything is just like spiraling out of contorl and i hate iti want control i need control. well i guess im stil having a break down ha o well after this lets hope i get soem fuckng control back and get skinny and perfect. ive gained weight im now up t0 103 which is just unacceptable in my world i need to get back down.

well i purged last nite ive been trying not to purge but i gave in and it felt so good to get it out i love the release u get from it its almost as good as cutting. speaking of cutting did that last week and the cuts are still all red they need to heal by next weekend i gotta lifeguard which means a bathing suit which means my arms will b out and they need to b healed for i dont scare the kids or parents or my boss if they are healed no1 will say nething

and to top it all off i gotmy mom yelling at me telling me to get some fucking control and to stop eating so much cause im fat thanx mom

well i think im done ranting now

Thursday, November 5, 2009


1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals

salad(lettuce, tomato, 0 cal pickles, balasmic vingar)- 55 cals
jelly beans- 75 cals

vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
1 1/2 cup broccolli- 60 cals

after work snack (gonna make it when im done typing thing)
hot choc- 25 cals
jello- 20 cals

total cals consumed- 355

65 minutes walking on treadmill hill workout- 349 cals burned
6,274 steps taken- 159 cals burned

total cals burned- 508

so i had an ana moment today at work it was bad i havent had one of those in awhile. well i was ringing some 1 up and i got extremly hot, my heart started pounding out of my chest, i couldnt concentrate at all, the room started spinning, and i got so weak. i managed to not pass out i grabbed my yogurt b4 that happened and ate it slowly. but i have no idea how i manged to walk across the hole store store to the fridge to get it. i was so out of it but i cant pass out at work that wouldnt b good.

well ima have my snack then do crunches

Wednesday, November 4, 2009



apple w/cinnamon- 25 cals
orange- 70 cals
jello- 20 cals

2 cups green beans- 90 cals
vanilla yogurt- 80 cals

2 bottles of water- 0 cals
1 diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals
hot choc (making now)- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 310 cals

60 min walking on treadmill- 285 cals burned
7,001 steps taken- 180 cals burned

total cals burned- 465 cals

so i had a doc appt today to get my blood test results for my cholestrol and it ended up that my cholestrol and blood pressure were even higher then last time. so my doc put on a low sodium low cholestrol low fat diet. hes clueless he doesnt know about my ana i hide t every well and im very good at tricking the scale. so now that im on this diet theres alot of foods that i cant eat yay lol the force feeding wont me as bad then cause i cant eat nemore fast food thank god i hate fast food it just is so greasy and way to high cal ew ugh

off to finish my hot choc then do crunches :)

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


vanilla yogurt- 80 cals
apple-25 cals

rice cake- 35 cals
lemon jello- 40 cals

dinner (had a semi normal dinner)
piece of chicken- 100 cals
potateo-110 cals
cup of green beans- 50 cals

5 bottles of water-0 cals
diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 440

6,550 steps- 162 cals burned

total cals bunred- 162

i still cant work out yet which sucks ima try and do tons and tons of crunches tonite though

Monday, November 2, 2009


i know i suck at updating lately sorry lol i just suck no exuses i just suck and i get busy and i forget but neway

jello- 20 cals
orange- 70 cals

pickle spear- 5 cals
2 bubillion cubes- 10 cals
2 small apples cut up w/ cinnamon- 50 cals

salad- 50 cals
yogurt- 80 cals
1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals

4 bottles of water- 0 cals
diet snapple plum-a-granate tea- 10 cals
1 cup coffee- 0 cals
diet coke- 0 cals
hot choc- 25 cals

total cals consumed- 360

5,930 steps taken- 149 cals

total cals burned- 149

so im not allowed to go to the gym this week my mom wont let me. i woke up friday have the worst pain in my side ever like bad it hurt to walk it lasted all day friday and sat. i finally called my uncle hes a parademic he said i prob just pulled a muslce that if it was my appendix id b doubled over in pain. well the constan pain has gone away thank god but i still get shaps pains in my side and in my stomach thru out the day ugh this just blows

i did do crunches early at least