Thursday, September 30, 2010


so i acutally got a lecture on eating chocolate from the boy. u think he would b happy or proud of me for acutally eating soemthing that was bad for me yeah no i was wrong so i got a lecture.

hes like" choc has no nutriontal value at all u wont eat meat and u exercise so much and then u eat choc its bad for u u should b eating it u should b eating nutriontal stuff"

and then he said that i shouldnt b drinking tap water nemore cause thats bad for ur skin and then he got on b for my eating habits i told himi was eating and i was eating enough hes like what does that mean and im like am i eating yes do i eat like a normal person no and then ihad to tell him what i ate yesterday and he told me that i have to eat.

like i eat i do eat hell we all eat we jsut dont eat like a normal person would he wants me to go shopping with the money my mom gave me and getmsyelf some fruit and stuff buti cant cause i have to put that money in the bank for i can pay my bills well i cant pay my bills but ever dollar counts

today was spent in front of the computer its been raining and windy all day damn tropical storm so yeah i had to stay home.

and im tired of staring atm y computer screen and im tired of filing out applications bu ti had to do it.

i filled out 5 today and only got an immediate no from one so that was a good sign. they last one i did gave me a huge headache the assessment was like word problems and shit like that im not good at word problems at all like y do i have to know that to run a cash register at michaels idk i coudlnt tell me

i think ima just spend the rest of the day being lazy and laying aroundi m so tired i dont wanna move i was suppose to run in place for an hour today yeah i only made it 40 minutes hopefully the storm will b gone tomm and i can go tot he gym

food log

*cup of sodium free chicken broth-10


*2 small tomatoes cut up w garlic powder-30
*2 slices dry wheat toast-180
*sf jello-20

*2 and half liters of water
*vitman water 0
*cup of hot oragne caffeine free tea

*40 mins jogging in place- 244 cals burned

thanx guys u are all the best and i was working on cutting it all out completely itj ust gets expensive cause there is milk in wheat bread and granola bars there is milk in alot of things u wouldnt think of but im working on it right now sincei dont have money i have to eat the bread my mom has but ti doesnt hurt to bad it just kicks up my scid refluz buti dont get the stomach pain i woudl get feom say choc or ice cream

ash- hm i will have to look into that thanx

skeleton strong- i will def look into that thanx cuase the boy does make me eat ice cream but ima b a bitch and not eat ne junk cause of what he said

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


me and dairy are having a really bad fight right now it really really doesnt like me nemore and im not gonna put myself thru that pain and sickness and nasousa nemore so me and dairy are just done.

i tried having some choc today just cause ihad a craving and i didnt want it to lead to a binge so i let myself have some and that stops me from binging and it did but the pain after wasnt fun at all.

my stomach hurt so bad so so so bad u ahve no idea and i ended up having like 3 BM and then add inthe chest pains the acid refulx and the need to puke all day. i didnt acutally puke but i felt like i was going to i was nasouses off and on all day and it made me not want to eat which is fine with me but i had do eat eventually cause i was getting so tired and weak an di need to job searched so i forced a lil dinner down my throat and now my stomach hruts again and it wasnt even ne dairy but it hurts so bad and its so bloated and ugh fuck i hate my life
its always soemthing with me between stomach issues and heart issues im just a mess

i was going to go tot he gym this morning but my uncle said that he was gonna come over and pick up my application for a job at hes work and talk to hes boss yeah needless to say he never caem so by 1230pm my mom just said to go and if he came she would give it to him

so instead of going to the gym i went to the park and ran. our park twice around is a mile and i ran it 6 times so i ran 3 miles by the last lap i my eyes were starting to go blurry but i pushed thru :) and alway the last lil park i sprint and thats what i did even though my legs felt like jello but i did it.
then i walked 2 laps around to calm my heart down

and since i was at the park and i cant resist the swings i went and swinged for a lil while about 20 minutes i was starting to get really nasouses again soi just sat there for awhile there was barely neone at the park and i was enjoying the quiteiness and the peacefullness andi j ust let my mind wonder it was nice for awhile until i started feeling really sick soi deicded that i needed to get home

food log
*small slice apple pie-100



*2 small tomatoes cut up with garlic powder-30
*2 slices whole wheat toast-180

*2 liters water
*cup of hot orane caffeine free tea
*cup of hot choc-65

*ran 3 miles-240 cals burned
*1 hour joggin in place-374 cals burned

i wanted to thank u all once again u really are all amazing and ur my best friends that i never had. we are all here for each other and we all understand what each other is going through love u all and stay strong

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

thank you everyone

this will b a thank u post cause all of u have been really great and lovley with me. u put up with my swearing riddled post yesterday and i really do apprecaite all ur comments. i will thank u all personally in a minute. i keep applying to jobs i just hope i get one like soon like now would b best.

this is me- thank u hun u really have been a great friend an di will always b there for u as well

mich wait what how can u b too poor for unemplyment that is as fucked up as the excuse they gave me im sorry and ur right nj does suck ugh and yes pointers would b lovely i dont have much just a few books i never read idk i gotta go thru all my stuff and c what i can sell

skeleton strong -its king hard to breathe and relax when i have to ge tmy bills paid i cant b late on them that is just not an option and the system sucks they give everything to the scum who dont even look for a job and then the ppl who really need the extra help dont get it. i love exercise it always does made me feel a lil better too.

lia - hey stranger were did u disappear too. im sure u will get back on track i know it

ash - aw thanx im glad that i can help you and wow my comment meant the most wow i never thought my comments helped but i guess they do and i know i will find a job its just will i find it soon enough

needlesedge - thanxi hope so too

believe -wow that really sucks about utah and i know that economy sucks ugh

but thank you all you are all the best
i will update later about how my day went

Monday, September 27, 2010

fuck me

fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck
yup im fucked if u havent gotten that from above
and i guess i should apologize for my language now if u dont like the word fuck o well cause its gonna b said alot in this post so either deal or dont read and yes i can b a bitch it happens

so the state of new jersey are fucking ass fuck assholes and i wanna fucking yell at them all its like if ur not a damn scumbag u cant get nething in this fucking state like wtf do i have to do to get what i fucking deserve b a scum live off of food stamps not work ever just sit around and fucking do nuttin all day well fuck me thats not me and that will never ever fucking b me

since u are all prob wondering y im giong off on this fuck tangent right now its cause i got a letter today from the state about my unemplyment benefits and if u havent noticed already it wasnt fucking good.

they fucking disqualified me they said that i left my job voluntarilay since the unifrom requirements were in my control which means sicne i had the option to buy them and didnt i knew that i was gonna quit my job so everything was in my control

well assfuck of the state it wasnt in my fucking control my damn hours were cut i didnt have the money to spend on clothes i think my bills are more fucking important u knmw the bran new car that i saved up 4ever to buy that is taking me broke yeah that had to get paid and my insurance for said car and then i do have payments to make on my credit cards that are high enough as it fucking is cause my job didnt pay me enough like fuck how do they not understand that bills are more importan

im not made of fucking money u assholes i work hard i go to work everday(well when ih ad a job) i did my job plus everyone others i worked my ass off and this is how they fucking repay me yeah thanx for that assholes

so as u can c my life is fucking falling aprt i need at least $510 for my october bills and i only have about $40 so idk what ima do i was considering selling stuff on ebay but they fucking charge u a posting fee and then they get a percantage of ur sale so yeah thats not gonna happen

so i deicded to apply for retail jobs which i have a shit load of experince in ive been wokring in retail since i was 18 im 24 now so needless to say im an expert in retail.
so i applied to 3 differnt jobs at toys r us and a seasonal job at the crayola factory
well i just checked my email
and all 3 toys r us jobs said that they reviewed everything and said that they regret to inform me but they are going to persue other candiates
like wtf who the fuck do i not qualify for that wtf do i have to do i cant even get a job in retail the target job i applied to a few days ago yeah i didnt fucking get that either
i didnt even get a interview they just saw my application and said no
like wtf what is so fucking wrong with me that now1 wants to fucking hire me am i that much of a bad person that im not good enough for them

so fucking hell i am freaking out now and idk what to do and everything is just falling apart i finally got things figured out i wwas eating on a scheudle under 800 cals a day i was working it all off i was content i had a good routine down with everything now everything is just ripped out from underneath me ugh fuck my life fuck new jersey just fuck everything cause of course nuttin can ever go good for me or right cause im that much of a bad person fuck

food log so far

*mini pretzels-100
*green beans-90

*liter of water
*2 cups hot tea(orange and peppermint)
*skinny water sport 0

*65 min elly random hill workout level 10- 443 cals burned

well im off to apply to more jobs and get rejected im thinking that the razor has a good chance of coming out tonite i need a release the numbness ineed my head to cut up i need to c the blood it will calm me

Sunday, September 26, 2010


god does my stomach and chest hurt right now so bad u have no idea fucking life i hate it. c i went to my aunts house today cause ive been going crazy staying at home all the time. well they were making apple pies but by the time i got there they were all done yay me. but i deicded to stay neway for a lil yeah well alil ended up being dinner and dessert and dessert consisited of dairy so yeah im in pain.

i origanlly wasnt going to stay for dinner but my cousin made a comment so of ocurse i gotta prove ppl wrong and prove to them that i acutally do eat ss fuck. well i was asking a question about the cinnamon strip things they made and my mom goes do u eat those im like no when have u ever seen me eat those and my cousin goes i never c u eat nething. so of ocurse i had to eat them just to prove them wrong. yes i eat no dint eat like a normal person now have i ever.

my aunt ended up making pasta i aked her if i could just have mine plain with out sauce she of course said yes so i had a lil of that with garlic powder on top(im addicted to garlic powder i put it on everything). i helped her cut up the bread which was a work out all in its own it was bakery italin bread and the crust was hard but with soft insdie yeah well i cut up half and she cut up the other half and my the time i was down with my half i was like panting for air i swearmy lungs are going or soemthing idk.

but it was alsomy aunts bday so they bought her an ice cream cake and im powerless when it comes to ice cream cake the crunches in the middle r the best things in the wrold and of course what does she do gives me a huge peice which i had to eat.

so needlesss to say imin alot alot of pain and idk like 8 tums later im still in pain. but im finally home now ijust took 3 biotin and 3 b12 pills and ima take to diuretics very shortly. yes i know its alot of pills no i dont want u to tell me that its to many trust me for me thats goodi have a habit of popping ne kind of pilli can take and taking to many of it so dw i will b fine though.

yesterday wasnt good either food wise good exercise wise. i ended up doing 100 mins on elly, vaccummed my car for 8 minutes, cleaned car for 2 hours, and ran in place for 2 hours. which burend a total of 1,707 cals. so yeay go me on the exercise front

not go me on the food front though yesterday i ended up eating 3 slices of silicain pizza, bowl of ice cream, some pringles, half a bowl of noodles with garlic powder and red peppers, and 2 slices of white bread.
now im not suppose to eat white bread of the dairy that was in the pizza and ice cream so i wasin pain and bloated yesterday as well.

the boy came over after the boy and he asked if i ate the pizza iml ike yes hes like how many im like all of it and some ice cream i didnt tell hima bout the noodles. hes like damn im like i dont wanna talk about it hes like y im like bad food day please dont hes like u want me to help u burn it off im like of course. so yeah i got a good workout with him last nite.

now this week im not gonna eat much ima restrict my cals latley ive been eating around 800 cals mayb a lil more bu ti made sure i burend it all off and then some but his week ima eat im thinking around 600 cals or so and burn that off plus some as well since ima total and complete exercise addict.

i went to the gym today b4 my aunts house adn did 2 hours and 10 min on elly while watch titanic. i love that my gym has tv's on all the cardio machines the channels change everyday so its hard to tell what channel u will get but today they had tbs and titanic was on so i plugged my earphones in and watched and listend to that the hole time i was working out i love when they have good movies on. normally i read while working out but i love titanic andi cant pass up watching that.

i started 2 new books cause i cant just read 1 at a time hell no thats not how i work so i started reading "smashed" at the gym its good so far ilove memiors so i will prob get thru that one fast.
and i started "feeling for bones" last nite while waitng for the boy i read the first chapter and that one is good as well

food log for today

*peppermint tea
*few spoons ice cream
*cranberry raspberry apple sauce

dinner(at aunts)
*small scoop of noodles plain with garlic powder
*2 small slices of bakery bread

snack and dessert(at aunts house)
*jelly beans(mostly the yello and pink ones yellow is my fav though)
*ice cream cake

*65 min elly random hill workout level 10-450
*65 min elly random hill workout level 11- 442

so not ima lay here and watch disturbia(love this movie) on tbs and drink a liter of water then when my stomach finally stops hurting i will do some crunches

Saturday, September 25, 2010

how date night went

So this is how date night went

I picked him up around 730 when he called and said he was ready. Hes like ur so backwards y are u wearing boots when its 85 degrees out and im like I thought they were cute. Hes like u really are backgrounds u’ll wear a skirt in the winter when its cold and freeze but when its hot u wear boots and things that cover ur legs. Im like do u want me to go home and change hes like its just weird im like well I thought it was cute an di though that u would really like it hes like no I like it its just weird im like well no one ever said I was normal.
We then went to best buy cause he wanted to look at movies he has a movie addiction it’s almost as bad as my book addiction he ended up buying 3 movies

We decided to go to this cute lil pizza/Italian place and eat there usually we just get it to go and eat in my room but we decided to eat there instead. He got a small plain Sicilian. There siclians are really good the but the cheese underneath the sauce and they put a lil paramassian cheese on top. Hes like look they have pasta he knows I love my pasta and I do but im really picky with my sauce if its not my late grandmothers sauce I wont eat it I would just eat my pasta plain so I didn’t get pasta and then I was looking at the baked pasta and i was really thinking about getting bake ziti but I know places put hamburger meat in then and when my mom use to make it for me she would make me like lil own without meat so I ended up just getting a grilled chicken ceaser salad dressing on the side and he got a side of fries cause he knows I love fries.
Well I ate about half of hes fries he put salt on hes half cause I cant eat salt so he was being nice. The salad was huge though def worth the money cuase you would think it was expensive but it was actually pretty cheap. But what they do instead of croutons the cut up garlic bread and but that on top. And the dressing I got it on the side and it wasn’t the normally really creamy white ceaser dressing it was more of like an Italian dressing. Like really u should of seen the salad I ate about ¾ of its cause the boy said I had to eat it but when I got like half way through hes like just have a lil more than u can b done.

For so reason we got talking about pizza hes like I remember when u use to eat pizza all the time b4 ur problem got bad again u use to it like 2-3 pieces im like yeah now pizza just scares me. He didn’t say nething to that remark he knows pizza scares me and he knows im not eating dairy so.

Hes like the good thing about going out to eat on Fridays is the left overs that u take home now u can eat them tomm and have some food. I tool home 3 slices of silician I’ll prob have a slice or 2 b4 the gym and then burn them off.
We went back to my house after that and hes like ur so pale im not use to seeing u that pale. And in all reality I am pale paler then he is use to from working at a tanning salon for 4 years I kept some pretty good color cause I could tan for free. Hes like u look so weird pale y don’t u start tanning again ur gym has a tanning. im like yeah but I don’t trust gym tanning beds its not their main concern so they prob don’t change the bulbs as much as u are suppose to and they don’t clean the beds they make the ppl clean it after so im like yeah no I don’t wanna tan there. Hes like well what about the salon right by the gym. And he’s right there is a tanning salon right by the gym called Salon Bronze it’s a pretty well-known chain I just don’t know much about it. So ima do research on it later and c the prices and what type of beds they have and all that stuff. Like I know I will prob b annoying to the workers cause hello im smart tan certified I have a certificate so I know what im talking about. I’ll also c if maybe they are hiring its in PA rather then Jersey and I know they have different rules I believe but it cant be that much of a difference u know.

And then we were talking about my shirt again im like do u like it I got it when I went dressy clothes id figured id get myself something its suppose to b a shirt but it’s a lil big. Hes like it is a lil baggy on u what size is it im like it’s a small hes like well y didnt u get an extra small then im like they didn’t have any extra small in this shirt hes like well don’t they usually im like well sometimes but some brands don’t make extra smalls I got most of my dressy shirts in extra smalls
Then he asked about my period when it went away and I told him Friday hes like what u only had it for one day again im like yeah hes like y im like idk and just shrugged my shoulder hes like well what could it be im like I don’t eat much hes like I though u were eating im like yeah im eating I don’t eat much hes like well what do u eat im like fruit for breakfast veggies for lunch then salad and fruit for dinner something snack in between hes like ur getting nutrients from the fruit and veggies so idk y its not right im like idk but im ok hes like I want u to b ok I want u to b healthy I don’t want nething to happen to u I told him that I was ok and we just left it after. I didn’t tell him that I eat 800 cals or under and I burn it all off neway yeah he doesn’t need to know that he worries enough as it is.
We ended up falling asleep early and we didn’t do nething which sucks I really could of used that extra workout burn dinner off. I guess I didn’t look cute enough for him or something idk or mayb he was just really tired who knows.
So last night at date night I ate a few fries and about ¾ of my grilled chicken ceaser salad.

Today im planning on going to the gym I normally do 2 hours on elly but today im only going to do 1 hour on elly cause I want to wash my car today. B4 I leave for the gym I got find some quarters hopefully my mom will have some I need quarters to vacuum out my car its all gross it needs a really good cleaning. My mom will b gone all day an di think my dad went to work. My bro came home for the wkd again but hopefully he wont b home much im use to having the house to myself lately. I like having the house to myself I can workout ne way I want then.

So the plan for today is:
*gym- 1hour on elly prob a hill workout
*go to car wash and vacuum out my car
*home to wash my car inside and out so that will prob take about 2-3 hours
*research Salon Bronze tanning salon by the gym
*look into jobs

The boy is prob going out 2nite so idk what i will do all night prob read watch tv or a movie or mayb a nap. I don’t really sleep much nemore im back to my weird sleeping habits and ive been up since about 5am so I will prob crash later for like an hour or 2 then b up the rest of the night.

Well I love u all u are all the best most amazing ppl ever.

Friday, September 24, 2010


ok so i finally got dressed :)

heres far away shot

close up sorry its alil dark my room doesnt get much light

so i ate a lil more then i wanted to today ugh damn munchies i try and only eat 200 cals during the day on fridays since i got dinner with the boy but yeah i ate more then that

food log
*2 cookies-112
*3 pringles-27.9
*mini pretzels-110

*2 1/2 liters water
*skinny water sport
*cup of hot caffeine free orange tea
*hot choc-65

total cals consumed- 369.9

*65 min interval hill workout elly level 13- 421 cals burned
*65 min elly level6- 449 cals burned
*jogged in place 30 minutes- 185 cals burned
*2,713 steps taken- 74 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,129

i also did crunches for about 10 minutes straight and folded some clothes and cleaned up my room

100 ways to burn 100 calories

so iw as just being weird and browsing around on google just typin gn random stuff cause thats what i do when i get bored an di came across this article 100 ways to burn 100 calories and i though that i would share it with u guys

100 Ways to burn 100 calories

This is fun and yet effective ...

1.Slather on lip balm 765 times (Yep, you read that right)
2.Relive the 80’s. Lip-sync George Michael’s “Faith” 16 times.
3.Watch an episode of The Office commercial-free. (Ten straight minutes of laughter can burn 40 calories – no joke.)
4.Watch the documentary An Inconvenient Truth. (Serious stuff doesn’t scorch as many.)
5.Wiggle while you watch for 40 minutes: Fidgeters burn up to 350 more calories a day than couch potatoes.
6.Get off your ass 33 times to change the channel.
7.Use the remote to channel surf for 68 minutes.
8.Surf for real for 34 minutes.
9.Head to the village park with your pals and toss a Frisbee around for half an hour.
10.Drink 3 cups of green tea in 24 hours: Researchers say it can increase energy expenditure by 106 calories.
11.Chug 12 8-ounce glasses of ice water a day (it has the same effect on your metabolism as green tea).
12.Fly a kite for 20 minutes.
13.Sing the Grease original soundtrack from start to finish.
14.Hit the malls and go on search for the perfect teeny-weeny polka-dot bikini: Try on 16 suits (one every 3 minutes)
15.Polka for real for 23 minutes.
16.Do the horizontal polka missionary-style for an hour and 7 minutes.
17.Spice things up with 35 minutes of foreplay and 45 minutes of sex in different positions.
18.Swing a lasso over your head 375 times.
19.Offer to babysit your nephew and run after him for 21 minutes.
20.Let a great walk you for 13 minutes (at 8 kph)
21.Walk a toy poodle for 41 minutes (at around 3.5 kilometers per hour).
22.Learn to “walk the dog”: Yo-yo for 25 minutes.
23.Alternate between cat pose, cow pose, and downward dog 13 times, holding each for 30 seconds.
24.Hit up the folks and go birdwatching with them for 41 minutes.
25.Carry a cooler stocked with three bottles of water, a six-pack of soda, four PB & J sandwiches, two oranges, a bag of tortilla chips, 12 servings of salsa for 22 minutes.
26.Go fishing for 41 minutes.
27.Make like a fish and swim at a leisurely pace for 17 minutes.
28.Do 250 breakstrokes (about 10 minutes).
29.Indulge your inner dork and do 27 underwater handstands.
30.Play beach volleyball for 13 minutes.
31.Bounce the ball on you knee 600 times.
32.Dog-paddle for 17 minutes.
33.Snorkel for 21 minutes.
34.Pole-vault for 17 minutes.
35.Walk up and down 33 flights of stairs.
36.Another reason to love (and hate) ‘em high heels: Strap on 4-inch stilettos and you only have to climb 25 flights.
37.Hit the stair climber for 11 minutes.
38.Eat chilli for a couple of days: Research shows that chilli peppers boost your metabolic rate, burning 50 more calories a day.
39.Spend 40 minutes preparing a delish dinner.
40.Chew calorie-free gum for 9 hours.
41.Spend 17 minutes wrestling the beach ball away from your boyfriend.
42.Push a grocery cart for 45 minutes.
43.Put a 42-pound 4-year-old in the child seat and it’ll only take half an hour.
44.Carry five grocery bags from the car to the kitchen and put the food away, take out the trash, wash the dishes, and wipe down the kitchen counter.
45.Play “Chopsticks” on the piano incessantly for 41 minutes.
46.Eat four meals with chopsticks instead of a fork: Slowing down can help you consume about 25 fewer calories per meal.
47.Lift and lower a soy sauce bottle 170 times with your left.
48.Go backpacking for 15 minutes.
49.Show off your bowling skills for 34 minutes.
50.Play squash for 8 minutes.
51.Degrease by scrubbing in the shower for 15 minutes, then spend 7 minutes shaving, 3 minutes toweling off, 4 minutes moisturizing, and 20 minutes blow-drying and styling your hair.
52.Take a leisurely walk in the park for 51 minutes.
53.Walk backward in the park for 43 minutes. (For every 8 calories burned walking forward, walking backward burns 10.)
54.Shop during your lunch hour while carrying a 7-pound hobo bag (and, naturally, a few new purchases).
55.Have fun when you get back to work: Twirl 123 times in your office chair. (Try not to puke).
56.E-mail for 68 minutes.
57.Get casual for 4 days: A study shows that people take 491 more steps and burn 25 more calories on days they wear jeans to work.
58.Recline on the sofa while having a gabfest with your BFF. Chat with her on the phone for 1 hour and 42 minutes.
59.Ask your guy to massage you for an hour and 50 minutes.
60.Pay him back with a 25 minute rubdown.
61.Take in the greenery: Sit in lotus position and breathe deeply for an hour and 42 minutes.
62.Read Capote’s Breakfast from start to finish.
63.Walk with hiking poles (4-ft bamboo sticks will do) for 22 minutes—you’ll burn 20 percent more calories.
64.Go 32 kph on you bike for 6 ½ minutes.
65.Ride a bike built for two for 12 minutes.
66.Spend an hour and 8 minutes playing Twister.
67.Play interactive Wii Tennis for 13 minutes.
68.No game necessary: Do 780 jumping jacks. Yes, 780.
69.Jump rope as fast as you can for 8 minutes.
70.Bounce away: Jump on a trampoline for 29 minutes.
71.Jog on the treadmill at 6.5 kph for 25 minutes or at 11 kph for 9 minutes.
72.Run 5 percent of a marathon at a 6-minute-per-kilometer pace.
73.Wait in an airport security line for 15 minutes, walk through the metal detector once, lift and lower 40-pound suitcase twice, then run for 3 minutes to catch your flight (stupid lines!).
74.Fill out 86 luggages tags.
75.Sit down and write an old school, handwritten letter to a friend who’s overseas. Do this for 57 minutes.
76.Accompany a nurse on her rounds for half an hour—she logs about 8,648 steps.
77.Nurse your newborn for 30 minutes.
78.Kick off your Sunday shoes and dance to the first four songs off the Footloose soundtrack.
79.Nurse a hangover: Sleep in for an hour and 53 minutes.
80.Spend 29 minutes mopping over any scuff marks.
81.Rearrange your furniture for 17 minutes.
82.Sweep your floors for 15 minutes, then vacuum for another 15.
83.Clean your car mats for 5 minutes, then wax your ride for 20 minutes.
84.Getting ready for a date? Torch calories with your beauty routine by spending 52 minutes applying make up.
85.In this instance, it’s okay to be indecisive: Change complete outfits 5 times.
86.Brush your teeth for 2 minutes, 25 minutes.
87.Floss and gargle with mouthwash after each brushing and you’ll burn another 100.
88.Smile for the camera: Shoot pictures for 35 minutes.
89.Crank you iPod as you walk at 5.6 kph for 23 minutes. (According to research, listening to music makes you torch more calories.)
90.Hit the Taraflex after work and play a 20-minute badminton game with your officemates.
91.Make like a majorette: Twirl a baton while walking around your block for 26 minutes.
92.Ride your man like a cowgirl (straddling requires more calorie-burning leg work).
93.Break out the board games. Play Monopoly for an hour.
94.Better yet, head to the arcade to shake your booty. Hop on a Dance Dance Revolution mat and get moving for 24 minutes. (Try not to hog the game!)
95.Let out the girl in you: Hula-hoop for 22 minutes.
96.Get in your car and go on a drive. A 51-minute trip should do the trick.
97.Go retro: Roller-skate for 15 minutes.(Don’t forget your protective gear!)
98.Spend 53 minutes learning the French alphabet.
99.Now read 30 pages of a book.
100. Read Numbers 1 to 100 nine more times.

hers the link to it

i will update again later with my outfit ofr date nite and how my day is going
love u lovely ladies

new pics

so i got bored this moring and deicded to take a few pics of myself god i look horrible but id figure id share then with u neway i really have to get all that weight off of me already y cand ijust b like 94 lbs again like i was over a year ago that that would just b lovely

so far today ive had 1 cookie(56) 3 pringles(27.9) ima drink my tea and water then ahave an apple(55) then go tot he gym and do my 2 hours on elly

Thursday, September 23, 2010


o girls i am so tired buti cant stop i have to exercise as much as i am becuase my head is just a jumble fucked up mess right now and wont shut up for 2 fucking seconds for i can get some peace and quite in there. nope i go the constant voices driving me crazy and lil miss ocer exerciser is the worst right now ana is right behind. i know that exercising as much as i am isnt good and in the end ima end up hruting myself but i cant help it and i cant stop it i have to burn off everything i eat and then some i have to do an hour on elly at the gym everyday well lately its been 2 hours i have to jog in placein my room for an hour everynite(i keep my feet on the floor) today it was 2 hours i have to do crunches and take way to many pills just to give me some down time from my voices but really they dont go away they just u know hide for a lil then come back full force well even worse then full force

idk if im making sense or not my head is so cloudy after im done working out im nasouses so i have to eat a lil something just for i dont throw up but then after i eat it i gotta work it off so its a enver ending cycle lovely lucky me

i appled for a couple jobs today and yesterday

yesterday the first on ei applied to was at a casino it took me over 20 minutes to fill out the application they asked me my weight height hair color which ithough was weird but neway when i finally hit submit onthe computer it took me that i was ineligalbe neway well that was a waste of my time

i also applied to target yesterday it asked if i was pallnong on staying less then 90 days or more i choose the less then 90 days one becuase im not planning on being there that long i just need a job to help with my bills until i can find a full time job that application took forever as well

i went to apply to toys r us today but my head was so cloudy that i coudlnt get thru the applicatio soi guess i will work out on that tomm

so i finished book 7 in the Pretty Little Liars series i read that hole book in one day and tomm ima take book 8th with me tot he gym

food log

*1 cookie-56
*1/2 cup cantaloupe-27.5

*15 mini pretzels-82.5
*green beans-90

snack(not eaten all at once spread out thru the afternoon)
*5 mini pretzels-27.5

*salad-lettuce(10), cucumber(5), small tomato(15), pickle(0), bell peppers(10), wine vinager dressing(0)

*3 liters of water
*cup of hot caffeine free tea
*vitamin water0
*cup of hot choc-65

total cals consumed- 763.5

*65 min interval hill workout elly level 13- 437 cals burned
*65 min elly level5- 460 cals burned
*2 hours joggin in place-740 cals burned
*1,814 steps taken-45 cals burned

total cals burned- 1,682

well im off to burn off dinner

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


so we had one fucking hell of a storm here the sky went pitch black and imean bitch black witha tint of orange like the sky was on fire
yeah well the storm resulted in use losing power for over an hour app ligtheing hit a transformer or something on our street so i layed here for an hour with my ipod staring at the ceiling cause thats all i could do. i didnt burn my thumb on my damn lighter trying to light my candles i need to get new candles once that are acutally filled and not more then half burnt

food log
*1/2 cup cantaloupe- 27.5
*small banana- 75
*1 cookie-56

*10 mini pretzels- 55
*green beans- 90

*apple- 55
*15 mini pretzels- 82.5

*baked potato -110 (yes my dad wasnt home yay i could have my potato
*salad- lettuce(20), cucumber(5), small tomato(15), pickle(0), bell peppers(10), wine vinager dressing(0)

*1 cookie-56

*cup of hot caffeine free tazo orange tea-0
*2 liters water-0
*hot choc-65

totaly cals consumed- 722

*65 min elly interval hill workout level 13- 453 cals burned
*65 min elly level 5- 462 cals burned
*3,838 steps taken- 97 cals burned
*1 hour 30 mins jogging in place- 561 cals burned

total cals burned-1,573 cals burned

Shopping outcome

so i had a 30percent off coupon for kohls so i decided to do some shopping i know that i shoudlnt of but i did
i decided to get some dressy clothes for if i get that job and/or for futrue interviews
i also got these cute pair of boots i really wanted the motorcycyle ones but yeah they were way way to much money

the clothes that i got

fuck hot heels they are acutally comfy

boots i got

i will update again later bout how my day went

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


so i had to deal with judgemental bitch on the phone today yeah i dont like being called a bitch but i call other ppl a bitch i know hyprocrite yell at me later

so i had to have a fact finding interview today to c if i qualify for my unemplyment benefits sincei got fired they could say im ineliglbe and then just fuck me but the fact finding interview happened today they call u at a certain tim newerhe from that time to 2 hours after lone behold acutally called on time but the lady was judging and i heard it in her voice i know she was judging me and just thinkin gi was another scumbag looking for a handhand yeah listen lady im not a scumbag an di hate handouts but i have no choice inthe matter

well neway off track sorry but she asked me when i started working there when i got fired teh compnay name the number supreiviors name and all that shit but then we got to the point of y i got fired and yes her judging really came in there she kept saying like u cant afford khakis or y didnt u borrow money y didnt u talk to him he paosted it blah blah blah

wel lady a)i have bills(i must of said that like thousand times) b) i dont take handouts form ppl its not who i am and 3) i did talk to him she kept asking all these questions like y didnt u call him on hes phone and everything like i know she was just doing her job but she was judging me im like he cut my horus i coudlnt affod them well y not caus ei have bills if he gave me til next pay then i could fo got them well y didnt u talk to him about that well i told him 2 weeks prior that i might not have them and did u talk tohim after that no i talked to him the day i got fired what happend what did u say and all this shit

like i really dont know he shes gonna approve me it sounded like she wasnt gonna approve me that she was tired of me that she didnt think i was good enough and all that shit she talk to my boss as well and he said that heposted that beginning of august that i just got paid that week that i was a good employee very relaibe that he was sad that it had to end like that. i swear i wanted to laugh when she said that by the end of the interview i was so frustated and annpyed with her that i just want to set her straight and say look lady but i coudlnt i coudlnt do that.

i will find out if i get the benefits in about 7 days she said that they send letters out saying if u got approved and if u didnt get approved it says y and then u can appeal it

srlsy if i dont get approved idk what ima do i really dont know cuase idk even have money for my october bills and i dont wanna ask ppl for money im not a chariety case and i dont owe ppl nething

food log

*1/2 cup cantaloupe-27.5
*1/2 cup strawberries-25
*2 cookies-112(yes i looked them up no milk i can eat them)
*16 pringles-150
*half cherry tomato-1
*salad-lettuce(20) small tomato(15) cucumber(5) pickle(0) bell peppers(10) wine vinager dressing(0)
*mixed veggies-210
*apple-55(snack b4 bed)

*3 liters water
*cup of hot tazo orange caffeine free tea
*hot choc 2 tbsp mix and hot water-65

total cals consumed- 800.5

*65 min elly interval hill workout level 13-445 cals burned
*65 min elly level5- 460 cals burned
*1 hour jogging in place- 374 cals burned

totaly cals burned- 1,279

i plan on watching one tree hill soon and doing crunches during the commericals i have to work out way mor eim so fat and gross my legs jiggle when i walk my stomach is huge it sticks out i look gross i neeed a flat concave stomach like now

ash -trust me we are all twisted in our own way

sarah -cause they like to drive us nuts i think

thisisme -thei funny thing is it seems like they care but really they dont trust me on that they just have no1 else to pick on sis my bro and sis are away at college so they pick on me and they only time i go downstaris is to get something to eat and dw they aernt getting me off track

want -o dw i tell him that

mich -thats how my parents are one day its like learn willpower stop eating the next is u shoulndt b eat that and then like months later its u have to eat yeah no i dont leave me alone and make up ur minds

lia -u'll get ur control back iknow u will im here if u wanna talk

Monday, September 20, 2010


so i made these 2 bracelts the other day and i wanted to share them with u guys. u can c my scars and im sorry for that i hope that it doesnt offend or trigger neone. i know th escars are pretty and u dont have to tell me that or tell how bad what im doing is or tell me to stop trust me it wont work so dont waste ur breathe on that. but neone one says "breathe" and the other one says "forza" forza means strength in italian. im planning on making more i just dk what other words to do right now so suggestions please.

so heres a lil glimpse as to y my head is so fucked up my parents do play a rule in it they just driv eme crazy andthey make me never wanna eat or go downstairs to make or grabe nething when they are home cause they are always judging. yesterday i went downstairs to make a baked potato to go with my veggie salad and this is the conversation i had iwth my dad:

him: ru sure u should b eating that?
me: yes dad i can have potatos
him:r u srue about that
me: yes dad im sure thre is no cholestrol or sodium in them
him:well they are a complex carb so u shoudlnt b eating them

i know what i can eat and what i cant i know what my head desont like me to it i know that my head doesnt want me to eat at all and him saying those things all the time arent working they are making my head worse they are making me never want to eat in front of him again or make nehitn gin front of him. he judges me on the fruit i eat on my veggies he picks apart my salads like y cant he just fuck off already and leave me alone worry about him self and all the food that he shovesin hes mouth and not about the lil amount that i eat ugh he annoys me so much.

so my head has been driving me fucking crazy lately like insanely crazy like omg just shut the fuck up already all i do is exerise and exercise cause i have to cause it tells me that i have 2 no matter how tired i am nomatter how sore i am it doesnt matter i have to burn nearly everything off or everything or more they everything and its not letting up its getting worse and i cant get ahandle on it so welcome to the world of my ever revolving eating disorders if im not starving im binging if im not binging im purging if im not purging im over exerciseing. its just crazy all the thoughts that run thru my head its constatly about food and cals how many i had how many did i burn off how many more can i burn off b4 my body cant handle it and i pass out so yeah my head is a mess but what else is new im a mess

food log so far:

*cup of cantloupe
*dry frosted flakes

*small tomato

*3 cups broccolli


*cup of hot tazo orange caffeine tea
*liter and half of water
*choc mocha hot choc-hot water and 2 tbsp mix

*65 min elly interval hill workout level 10-448 cals burned
*jogged in place 1 hour while watching gilmore girls-374 cals burned
*18 min running steps-210 cals burned

yes i checked the cals on

im planningon havine a nice salad for dinner that i will burn off after and also ifi eat neting else thru out th enite i will b sure to burn it all off or as much of it as i can

lov2laff -hey thanx hun def let me know if u find nething else and u dont have to b underweight to lose ur period its all how ur body works i think mine just isnt strong enough to handle itnemore

lola anais - imglad im not the only crazy person wo measures her food and shit and i tend to buy the same things all the time i get in a certain routine and i just stick to it

sarah - thanx hun i hope so too

mich -yeah ur right u shoudl prob go to the doc about that but iunderstand that u wont cause i prob wouldnt either and im the ame way ive had ppl threaten to drag me 2 the er if i didnt go on my own

Sunday, September 19, 2010


so app i fucke dmy body up alot more then i thought lately yup ima mess we all know it an dima keep being amess and my body is going t keep hating me for it but hey there is nuttin that i can do about it i am whoi am andi cant change that not on my own at least

well my period is just all fucked up like extremely its ugh idk what to think nemore its not like im insanely underweight an dim on the pill so it still should b coming ive been on the pill since i was 18 and i never had aproblem til about a year agaon when i relpased again now my period goes form being normal so being semi nomral to being completley fucked up

so it always came on a wed lately its being come on thursday which was fine wit me one day later so it was shorter not aproblem cause it was sitll smei normal yeah but these past couple months not at all not even close

so this month well now i was suppose to have it last week and it was suppose to go away on monday well it came like halfway thru thursday and my cramps were so so bad they hurt and they kept me upt bu tmy period wasnt heavy at all it wasnt like extermely light either but it was heavy like it aways is on the first day well i had it fomr thursday afternoon till about 7pm friday. well then it went away i i caheck it again 7am sat so i had a tampon in from 7pm friday til 7am sat and nuttin nuttin at all it completely stopped i put one back in neway and when i chekced it as 6pm that nite it was ligth like extermely light like on a few spots on it so yeah i check it again this smoring around 7am when i got up and absolutly nuttin again it stopped i havent check it since so idk if its here lightley or if is just stopped completely

sorry it that was to much info but yeah so app ifucked myself up so bad that my period doesnt even know what to do with it self nemore.

i am so so sore from my crazy workout yesterday my legs hate me so much and my back spasms arent fund of me either but hey the workout was so worth it i'll deal with the soreness. cahirs are a bitch though tye hurt the most but o well i just wont go downstairs much then. i prob shodlnt of went to the gym again today buti m a glutton for punishment and i did o well i need my exercise.

after the gym today i did my erranda lots of running around i went to the grocery store then to target and then i stopped and put gas in my car needless to say i only have $2 left in my wallet an di had to use a credit card to just put gas in said car.
but i got

at shoprite(grocery store)
*3 pears
*romaine heart lettuce
*1 cucumber
*animal crackers
*teddy grahams
*premade veggie salad
*sweet bell peppers
*ghiradelly hot choc-choc mocha(yes i can have it its vegan they make it with soy instead of milk)

*3 skinny water sports 0
*25th anniversay eddition of elle(lauren conrad is on the cover)

when i got home i cut up my cantaloupe and my strawberries and put them in containers i snacked alil on them while i was cutting them ijust coudlnt help myself i love fruit

then i sat on my bed with my lil food scale and my snack baggies and weighed out my animal crackers and teddy grahams i made lil snack bags 1 serving each i wrote the cals right on the baggies for i know exaclty what i was eating i know im crazy but u all love me neway :)

idk how ima spend the rest o fmy day i willporb look at jobs for a lil and i really wanna read more of "wicked" sara shepard so mayb i will run i place later while i read that and prob some crunches as well my abs need some major work

food log so far

*dry bran flakes

*1 tomato
*few bits of cantaloupe

*few teddy grahamas and animal crackers(snacked a lil while i was making my baggies up)

*liter and half of water

*65 min elly level 6 manual no hill- 464 cals burned
*4,026 steps taken-107 cals burned

so i figured i would answer ur comments and stuff here since u guys are more then likey to c it:

ash - thanx hun and yeah it was scary but i promise that im ok

love2laff - nope no docs for me i dont like tham and yea ive had an eating disorder or disordered eating my hole life i have never been normal but what i woiuld do for cheering i would nomraly eat a lil lunch and then have a snack rigth b4 pracitce the snack was usually sometihng choc cause i neede a sugar kick to make it thru the hard practice but i knew i woiuld b burning it off neway so it all worked out i never wenthigher then 105 in high school

sarah - u dont have to worry about me hun im fine i promise

mich - idk y t always happens in the middle of the nite i think its just cause the body wants to throw one more nasty kick at ya and just wake u up cause god forbid u acutally sleep ugh and yeah no docs for me i hate them as well i hate hate them i only go once a year for my cholestrol or if im like practiaclly on my death bed and im the same way i hate the docs but im always telling other ppl to go we dont have a houllihans by me so i have no idea what that place is but yay for us for being abel to eat at tgifridays now :)

and thank u all for ur lovely commenst u guys relaly are the best

Saturday, September 18, 2010


so guess whos heart freaked her the fuck out this morning and woke her up at 3:30 am o yeah mine of course cause what other 24 year ol has heart issues like that gotta love side effect of eating disorders lovely.

well neway back to my heart well i woke up at 3:30 in the morning which really is normal for me i always wake up mulitple times thru out the nite but this time was differnt i felt off and funny and weird and my heart was just like pounding in my ears it wasnt going like insanley fast though but if i layed on my side and and curle up i could feel it like acutally feel it poudning out of my chest no i wasnt going to pass out it wasnt one of those kinds of weird heart things i acutally though that my heart was going to stop it was so scary u dont know how scary it is until u deal with it urself. the boy was still sleeping and i didnt want to wake him up he worries about me enough he did get up a few minutes later to use the bathroom but i still didnt say nething hes used to me being up all hours of the nite i just layed there and i tried to sleep which happend without avail casue i coudlnt sleep when its like that and i know when it gets like that that i have to eat sometihng but i didnt want to not one hes there if he sees me eating in the middle of the nite he will know something is really wrong so ijust layed there and willed it not to stop.

he got up for good at 5:30am and i took him home he always goes home aruond that time for he can go back to sleep for a few more hours once i got home from taking him home i was still really off so i grabbed the first thing out of my fridge which happened to the box of leftovers from our dinner teh nite b4. so i ended up eatin 4 potato skins from tgi fridays and yes i ate them cold casue i really coudlnt walk back down the stairs to heat then back up i though they would help so i layed backed down and tried to get a few more hours of sleep needless to say that didnt happen cause my heart didnt get better at all it was still really bothering adn i still fel t like it was gonna stop so i layed there and wathced married with children on tbs adn then i watche dsome music videos i finally got out of bed at 7am and managed to walk downstairs and grab the box of bran flakes(mom bought more) and 1 cookie. i sat ther and ate my 1 cookie and had some dry bran flakes out of the box eventually after that and some water i started to feel a shit load better i codulnt feel it beating in my ears or out of my chest thank fucking god.

after that i really freaked the fuck out about all the cals i just ate like freaked out really bad extermely bad i endedup takine 4 biotin pills and then 4 b12 pills adn then of course my 2 gummy vitamins.

so i decided that i wasnt gonna purge my food back up i was gonna b good and i was gonna keep it in me but go to the gym adn just exercise my fat ass off so thats what i did and my leg is killing me so much. c im not suppose to b running on my leg my knee never healed right after surgry i can ride a bike i can walk i can even do teh elliptical but i can not run on it running it just gives me the worse pain in it ever like its horrid but i deal with it and i run from time to time. i have a brace that i wear everytime i woke out doctor issued one and its suppose to keep my knee cap in place for it doesn got back out but it doesnt wokr all the time and it does slip out of place and i do have to keep cracking it till i can get it to pop back in. today i decided that i was in need of a serious run so i ran 2 differnt times the first time it only hurt for the first 15 min of my 3o min run and then i was ok but then the second time it hurt the hole 40 minutes i was running. i swear that all the ligaments muscles and tendons were going to tear and give out on me and my knee was grinding so bad i dont have cartildge sorry if thats graphic but hey its what i go thru the pain was bad but i just sucked it up and ijust kept running and running and running cause i had to. i also did 65 min on elly in between the 2 runs all together i ended up burnind 1056 cals. i hope that was enough to burn off my heart fuck up this morning.

oo and i know some ppl totally think that the cal count u get on those machines are wrong and i know some ppl think they are off by like 200 cals but i dont agree i dont agree at all manly because i paid attenttion today. c i wenton to and looked up how many cals i would burn running a mile in 11 and 1/2 minutes and they said it would burn 92 cals. i usually run a mile around 11 and 1/2 minutes and 12 minutes. well today on the treadmill i ran a mile in a lil under 12 minutes and it burned 85 cals. so if u think about it the machines arent that far off mayb by like a cals or 2 but not by 200 like some ppl think.

so date nite with the boy went good acutally really good we went to tgi friday we ahven tbeen there in a while so we deicded to go there. i was looking at the salads but he steered me away from them and to the chicken and pasta part of the menu he hasnt done that in while hes been letting me pick out my own food but whatever mayb the scale is fucking with me and im alot smaller then it says and hes noticing but i will make him happy and not order a salad. i ended up ordering this new dish that they have its called dragonfire chicken and next to it it said low fat and right portion. there when they say rigth portion they mean about 500 cals. the meal was a piece of grilled chicken with kung pu sauce on top on a bed or rice with a side of broccolli and picd de gayo and 2 manadrin oranges slices on top. i looked up the cals this morning 437 cals an di ate half so my meal was 218.5 cals i have the other half in my frigde for later today. and the food was acutally really good i really liked that meal normally theres something i dont like about something but i really liked that :). he also had me eat 2 potato skins like i had to he said i had to have 2 soi was the good gf and ate 2 of them. sometimes i get dessert and sometimes i dont i wasnt planning on getting dessert but i wanted to make him really happy and get something so i got this brownie obsession its a warm browniw tiopped with ice cream shaved choc caramle sauce and nuts i told the guy i didnt want the caramel or the nuts so he said he sould put choc sauce on it for me instead. i ate it all cause im fat like that and im one of those ppl who woul drather eat dessert then actual food. the brownie was warm too so that just made it better. i was acutally ok with it i didnt freak out well i did a lil but not as bad as i nomrally do i think i was ok withit cuse i worked out that morning and i follwed vegan all day up till then. i looked up the dessert this morning 960 cals thats crazy for dessert just insane but i didn treally freak out about it it made him happy so happy

my acid refulx didnt like me at all but its a price to pay to make the boy happy i told him that i wasn going to eat ne chicken or ne dessert during the week and jsut eat it with him on fridays adn he was ok with that so i can do vegan during th eweek and then eat good with himon fridays then work out like crazy on saturdays and then if we have left overs (he alwasy makes me take them home for i have food to eat) then i will eat that on saturdays as well.

so i think that i got my life figure out well not my life but my eating sorta figured out my head is still a mess and it will alwasy b a mess i just accepted that im still going to do therapythough when my time comes and im off the waiting list.

i still havent heard nething back frommy job interview yet she said she would call me at the end of the week or the beginng of the next so hopefully i willl hear something soon she said she would call either way yes or no she would let me know.

im sitting here making my shopping list for tomm. he wouldnt let me pay for dinner like i expected he did let me leave the tip at least i feel bad that hes paying for evertyhing but iguess i willj sut have to deal with it once i get a job he will let me pay again. so i figured tomm i would go to the gym and then go grocery shopping and but some gas in my car. this is what i got so far

*romaine hearts lettuce
*1 cucumber

i want to try and find some vegan hot choc i love hot choc and i know there is vegan hot choc out there somewhere and im thinkng about getting some sandwhich toppers hot peppers for my salads. i will prob walk around the store alil and just browse c if nehting cathces my eyes

im trying to deicded what im going to do all day my aunt and uncle are having a get together at their house today just like a family get together game nite kind of thing im trying to decide if i want to go for alil just to get out of the house the only problem is the roud that i always take to get to their house is closed today for osme stupid fishing thing and ne other way to get there

food log so far:

my fuckup
*4 potato skins
*dry bran flakes
*1 cookie

* lil more then 2 liters of water

*35min tready 30 min running at .5 incline and a speed between 5-6mph(i kept changing it everyonce in awhile) 5 min walking(cooldown)- 245 cals burned
*65 min elly level 6 manual no hill- 479 cals burned
*45 min tready 40 mins running incline .5-1.0(i started out at .5 then i moved it up to 1.0 for the rest of the run) speed 5-6mph(kept changing it again) 5 min walkine(cooldown)- 332 cals burned

total cals burned-1056

idk what ima eat the rest of the day i have th other half of my meal from last nite soi will prob just have that
and i will drink alot of water and tea cause my pee is bright yellp regardless of all the water i already drank today
loveu all stay strong

Friday, September 17, 2010


so im already dressed for date nite yeah i got bored and decided to get dressed already so i have 2 well its the same outfit but close up then farther away so yeah its like 75 degrees or something today mayb closed to 70 and im so cold so i got on a long sleeve shirt the tank and then the sweater over top and i got knee high socks on as well

this is the farther away one for u guys can c the hole outfit

heres the close up one it was taken in my room

i wanted to try and look extra cute today the boy has had a bad week and i want to look cute for him i feel so fat and gross and idt i look cute but im comfy and warm and i guess its semi cute idk
but neway on the phone last nite he told me that he had a really bad week that it has nuttin to do with me that im fine i didnt do nething wrong but hes not in the best of moods so he doesnt want me to b in one o fmy moods. when he says one of my moods its pretty much my depression or my head totally driving me crazy i told him that i was fine all week which really is a lie but i can try and b fine with him at least i dont want him mad at me too.

i was bad and saved my last pay check from work wow a hole 6 hoursi was suppose to spend it on food buti saved it for i can pay for our dinner tonite i hate that he has to pay all the time cause of my broke job less ass and i didnt get him nething for he bday on monday cause i just couldnt afford it but im about to just say screw it and use my credit card and get him 2 tickets tothe flyers love hockey

but neway yesterday i asked my mom if she could get me seom grapes and green grapes after a stupid conversation of y green and not red she said she would get my them if she remembered and guess what she remembered yes she got a bag of green grapes and abag of red graps and then bag of red apples and a bag of green apples. ihate red grapes and i only eat red apples if there are no geen ones around. well i took 6 of the green apples and but them in my fridge. i also a lil container and put half of the green grapes in there and put them in my fridge as well. she said that i coudl do that neway and said to not hestiate to ask her to get me something which is crazy cause yeah she was never like that. and then she asked if i had enough money imlike mom im fine i got money in the bank for my bills shes like but what about in ur waller im like i got some dont worry and then she tried to give me some money but i woudlnt take it shes doing it out of chariety and im not a chareity case and if i take them money from her or my dad then i owe them and ia am not owing my parents nething cause they will hold it over my head for whiel so fuck that

so ihave a headache but its one of those i didnt eat much and worked out to much kind of headaches i love them but they hurt so much i went to the gymthis moring yes and spent some good guality time with elly :) i also cleaned my room just organized a lil vaccumeed my floor u know the usual.

right now im watching one tree hill on soapnet then im going to finish my hair do my makeup repaint my nails and i might run in place for ali l later ro do some crunches b4 date nite withthe boy

food log so far:

*samll apple cut up with cinnamon
*cup of hot tazo caffeine free orange tea
*half lite of water

*20 grapes
*half a liter of water
*bottle of vitamin water 0 recoup

*salad(lettuce, small tomato, 1 kosher pickle, few hot peppers, wine vinager dressing)
*liter of water-still drinking now

*65 min elly level 6 manual no hill- 483 cals burned
*35 min kilamlro hill workout elly level12-252 cals burned

i might have small apple later if my heachache gets to bad
and i know ima mess upmy vegan today wellnot technially mess up cause i gave fridays as a free day for me since i have to go out and eat iwth the boy and most restraunatsdont have any vegan options so i will prob just get some kind of salad with grilled chicken and dressing on the side

o i also finished p the 4th book in the Pretty Little Liars series in going to start the 5th one very soon im so addicted to these books they are amazing

loveu all

Thursday, September 16, 2010


so ihad my lil cousins today this is the last time we will have them fora bout 8 weeks their mom(my cousin) is having a 3rd child on monday shes having a c section and its a boy we know this already they are either going to name him nathan or chase. im more leaning towards chase.

so we did alot of fun stuff today since i wouldnt have them for awhle its going to b hard on me cause they help my depression so much and with themnot being there i knowmy depression is going to get wrose but i will try my best to not let it myself slip into it to much but no guarenttesss

well we went for a lil walk today just around the block to go to the li convient store munchin wanted a snack so she got a ring pop and one of those baby bottle sugar things, mymom wanted mini m&ms and i got 2 airheads(i can have those while vegan) we skipped part of the way there and i carried her part of they way and then we walked therest so got alil exericse there

after that my sis wnated me to get onto skype for she could talk to munchin and big boy of course me being the idiiot that i am never went on there b4 and i coudlnt figre out how to get my microphone on my computer to work like fuck i have a webcame i should have a mic built in so needless to say we still went on but i called her and we had each other on speaker phone we were on there for about 20 minutes we had a smiley face convo int he lil im box they have and munchin and her made funny faces with her

wel did other store too we played school and hide and seek and she likes to play jump on day so i will prob havemore bruiese lovely we always played checkers while palying with her i also had my 10 month old cousin too and he just likes to go he is awlays runnign around everywhere getting into everything so yeah hes a handful def

we did manage to get outside for a lil until it got to dark and the storm came but while we were outside we palyed tag and we also went on the slide well she did and i held him while i let him go down the slide

we did alot more things as well i just dont remember thema ll i had them from 10am-6pm so yeah long day and im exhausted right now but it was so worth it

im all bloated and gross right now though my period came today ugh and then add in the 2 cups of lax tea i drank yesterday yeah soi feel exertemly fat and gross the good thing is my period isnt heavy at all and its not relaly crampy which is good for me yay maybit will b shorter this month again that woudl just b lovley

i applied for 2 jobs yesterday and one called me back today but app it was just a temp job and it didnt say that on the site it was only a 4 month contract the temp agency called me i told them i was looking for more of a long term thing so they are going to keep an eye out onthings for me

i was also finally able to file for my unemplyment i was suppose to do it yesterday but i coudlnt get thru not online and not on the phone but i did it first thing today and go thru i cant collect it yet not till have my fucking phone examiner person ugh but thas on tuesday and if they finally pull the stick out of their ass and realize that i deserve these theni can collect the 2 weeks i wasnt allowed to collect

the rest of th enite im just goin to realx watch tv wathcing law and order right now and then ima watch bones after i will do crunches while watch and i need to drink the liter and the half of water i got sitting in front of me and then i can let my freezing self have a cup of tea

ive been cold all day and i just wanna warm up but i gotta get the water in first

food log:

*dry special k blueberry cereal-100
*cup of hot tazo caffeine orange tea

while with the kids 10am-6pm
*3 bottles of water
*crust of a pizza(munchin ate the pizza part i just ate the crust)
*2 airheads-100(munchin had a couple bitsso im saying 100 instead of 120)
*1 and half cina sticks(with munchin)
*5 cherry tomatos-12.5
*sf popscicle-shared with big boy

*green beans-90

ima hve n apple and some crackers later

im trying to convince my mom to buy me grapes and some green apples shes like y green apples cause i like htose mom but y not red cause mom i want green they are sweeter but red are sweet to fine mom buy whatever u want

adn i also told her today i wastn eating dairy nemore shes knows i barely eats eggs and i only eat chicken on fridays and she knows the dairy is the amin cause of my aicd refulx so didnt fight me on it or nething

so yay go me
love u all

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


so not much happened 2day sincim unemplyed and i have no life so yeah ugh i hate being home all the time i dont do well with it i have to b constantly doing something or i go crazy and being home and no wokring is just killing me i get really bored adn theni eat and theni go crazy and then my head freaks out so yeah lets hop ei find a job soon b4 i go compleltey crazy

at least i didnt wake up at 3am this time yay for that i manged to stay up til mindnite and then tossed and turned til 7am and then i finally got out of bed during the week i seem to not b able to sleep past 7am cause my body is so use to getting up the early

i went thru like a week phase after i lost my job were i would fall alseep at llike 8pm and then wake up at 7am of course i woiuld wake up thru the nite a few tiems but i hated sleeping that much its just not me i dont fucntin well on that much sleep im better on only 4 hours of sleep

so i messed up today with my vegan going i had a slip and ihate myself for it and i ate way 2 much other wise thru the day but lets hope tomm goes better

i just ran in place ofr an hour while watching gilmore girls again love that show i kept my feet on the floor and just kept my legs moving as usually

so food log
*dry bran flakes
*cup of hot tazo caffein free orange tea
*lil water

*baked potao no skin with garlice powder and red peppers
*salad-lettuce, pickle, small tomato, hot pepers wine vinage dressing
*liter of water

snacking thru out day
*butter popcorn-vegan fuck up number 1
*dry frosted flakes
*dark choc hot choc-vegan fuck up number 2
*animal crackers
* 2 liters of water
*cup of lax tea

dinner idk what ima do yet porb will make one of my veggies that i have in the freezer ima try and not fuck up much more thru out the nite
and then tomm i gotta start doing better again and get back on track with my veganism

*65 min elly cascades hill workout level 10- 439 cals burned

Sophia Bush- cause shes gorg always been another fav of mine

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

9/14/10 continued

so heres how the rest of my day went

i relaxed a lil after that damn meeting reading some fics and jsut u know vegged out ive been doing that to much lately i really gotta stop but im not use to being home all day so its really werid for me

i decided that i was gonna exercise more so form 5-6pm i ran in place while watching gilmore girls i kept my feet on the floor and just made sure my legs were constantly moving idk how many cans that brunt but i hope it was a good amount

omg i watched one tree hill tonite it was the premire of the new season and man was it amzing i love that show its my fav ive been watching it since the very beginning so yes

food log for the rest of the nite
*box frozen green beans-90 cals
*non dairy soy ice cream sandwhich-90 cals
*town house crakcers-?(i reallly dont remmber
*apple-60(im going to have that b4 i go to bed im feeling a lil off that that usually mean si need to eat something b4 i sleep)

o ash hun im 24 yrs old for u knwo and if everyone else was wondering


so i just sat thru the most stupid and pointless meating ever i had to go to a unemployment orientation meeting thing yeah it was stupid. i had to sit ina room with a bunch of ppl which is hard enough for me as it is i dont like ppl i hate croweds so i sat in the back in the corner cureld up in a ball on my chair and leaning against the wall

the first thing she did was show a stupid short video thati didnt even pay ne attention to it was all the sane information that was in the booklet we got in the mail i acutally read the booklet so yeah no need for me to listen at all

the next thing we had to do was fillout this form it was jsut basic information i can do that and i did but she needed it to enter us into the computer for we would b registtered or some shit.

she started talking about how this isnt a time to b depressed ucan start over and learn a trade or go back to school start ur own businnes do what u want now. like the have trade programs were u can collect while ur learning th etrade but yeah thats not really for me

and theres also this thing were u can go back to school for free but u can only take like 2 classes a semester which ifind stupid if in gong to go back to school to get my bacholars degree in accounting or a totally different degree then i want to get it done ine a reasonable amount of time not drag it out for fucking ever ugh asshole ppl

like i said the meeting was stupid and apointless and really didnt help me ne the only good thing was that i got ot walk there and walk back it took me about 20 mins to walk there and then 20 min to walk back i also had my bag with me that had: my notebook, all my unemployment stuff, a second smaller notebooke, my day planner, PLL book number 4, a sweatshirt, my wallet and keys and a bottle of water. so that was al il heavy but hey it prob helped me burn extra cals

so i was researching veganstuff cause im going vegan adn i found this great website it has list of all this tuff that u can eat for breakfast and snacks stuff u can back with condiments and drinks. its amzing cause theres alot of foods on there u think u wouldnt b able to eat. im still going to read the labels on foods when i buy them but still this site is great heres the link if u guys wanna check it out

food log so far:
*dry bran flakes(i ate them rigth out of the box so idk how much i exaclty had def no more then 2 cups if that even but they are 90 cals a cup so yeah)
*natural slices almonds(lil bowl)
*salad(lettuce, small tomato, small apple, wine vinager dressing)
*small banana

*liter and half of water
*sobe life water 0-syrah grape berry
*cup of hot tazo caffeine free orange tea

*5,043 steps taken- 147 cals burnt
*65 min elly level 6 manual not hill- 465 cals burnt

Monday, September 13, 2010

how my job interview went today

so i decided to go with the second choice the dress with the shaw and the leggings an di acutally felt comfortable in it this morning well felt a lil fat but not as much as i usually did that could b from the BM i had this morinng though me and nervous dont mix very well

i wore my hair down and curly my hair is naturally curly i put a black headband in i always wear a headband its just my thing i had always down that i also decided to leave my bangs down as well

my makeup i never wear much i just do my eyes so idid that today i out on gold/bronze eye shadow(alwasy wear that color) some black mascra on top lashes and then some black eyeliner on bottom. i do my makeup the same way all the time so it takes me like 2 seconds to do it

thankfully my swollen eye went down alot it was still swollen but not as noticalbe as it was it was still on read ont he lid and the side and underneath my mom said that it wasnt to bad though so i beleived her

i got to my interview about 10 minutes early it was on the 2nd floor so i took the steps up i had to fill out an application when i got there since i didnt do that befor eijust sent my resume in. i kinda messe dup on the resume a lil i wrote my address int he wrong spot i flipped it i wrote the city and state in the address section and the address int he city state section leave that to me to mess up i also forgot to write the pay i got at my other jobs and i realized when i got home that i wrote i made $8.50 at my last job but i really make $8.25 ooopps my bad

but neway she really didnt ask me nething she just told me what the job entailes its part time tuesdays and fridays 9-5 and then sat mornings 9-12 i would pretty much be doing receptonist work answering phones transfer ppl answering questiions if i could, filing and othe random stuff if everyhing is slow. i would b greeting the members as well so i would pretty much b sitting at the front desk allt he time shes like sometimes u have to og pick up files so some1 will watch the front desk for u and if u have to run to the bathroom just let one of us know and we will watch it for u

i dont get medical benefits but i do get week vacation and after a year i would get 2 weeks, i would get holiday pay so if its a holiday and its was my day to work i still get paid for it and if a holiday falls on a day i dont work i get half the pay i would of made if i worked

the dress code is business casual i dont have to wear a suit or nehting but like no jeans dressy pants nice shirt in the summer we are allowed to wear dressy capris and sometimes during the winter if the weather is bad the president will let us wear jeans

she asked how much pay i was expecting and i didnt know what to say so i just said around 8.25-8.50 anhour but im negotable she said thats prob around waht they would pay me.

she was very nice though and i liked her she said she was doing interviews all this week that she was running alil behind but she would call me if i got the job or if i didnt they always let ppl know. i told her this tuesdays and next i had previous enganements(my unemployment meetings didnt say that though) so i wrote on my application that i could start the 22nd

idk if i stand a chance like yeah i have an assciates degree in accounting but my 2 previous jobs were in sales so idk i guess we will wait and c

well im off to the gym i will update again later
o finished the 3rd book in pretty little liars brining 4th one with me to the gym

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Interview Outfit Advice

ok i need ur seom advice from the best ppl ever i know u guys will b honest with me and thas what i need right. i have ajob interview tomm and i dont have many dressy clothes im more of a jeans tshirt kind of a person but i found this dress and i just wanted to know what u guys think. i have differnt options for it just were it plain like the first one, wear the grey shaw thing in the second on wear the brown jacket and take it off when i get there like in the third. so what do u guys think and b honest i fu dont like it at all i will try and find soemthing else to wear.

i know ima have a hard time hiding all my scars and i wont b able to hid them all but ima wear my beaded elastic bracelets i made and alwasy wear on my right wrist that will hide the bad ones at least hopefully they wont notice the other ones my rigth insdie arm isjust covered in scars so ew.


The same dress with a grey cardiagn shaw thingy

Same Dress with a brown jacket

Saturday, September 11, 2010


so i had to go to planned parenthood this morin gi had to drop off my blood test results and the note from the doc that said im cleared for my pills yeah i ended up being there for almost an hour i had to wait for the doc there to read it and then i had to talk to the talk she was very nice though i like her way better then my doc. she took my blood pressure and surprislngy it went down a lil from yesterday it was 126/86 its sitll high but not as high as yesterday so thats a good thing. when i first walked in she was like o ur so tiny how does a tiny thing like u have high cholestrol im like my dad has it and then when she went to check my blood pressure shes like aw skinny arms im like yeah the blood pressure is gonna b high shes like not its not im like yes it is my dad has it to shes like o. so then she just talked to me a lil bit she told me to follow the diet he gave me she also gave me a tip with the sodium shes like when ur reading the package if the sodium says 500 mg or higher then dont buy it its to high so im def going to take that advice, them she told me to get fish oil pills cause they will really help my cholestrol. she was nice very helpful i ended up leaving withmore panphlets ugh the gave me a quide to nutrition and a sample meal plan yeah this one is 2000 cals yeah that is so not happening this ppl are crazy but i dont have to follow it its not requirded or nething. so i got my birth contorl pills 10 packs so im good for 10 months til i have to get my annual visit things ugh but damn was the pills expesinve between the visit there and the pills i spent $171 ugh damn and of course i had to use the credit card cause i only have like $5 in cash caus my ass is unemployeed and broke

i went to the gym after that and did my typical elly :) i love the ellilptical i read the 2nd book in the pretty little liars book while i was on it im almost down with it im going to try and finsih it today for i can start on the 3rd book

after the gymi went to target to get the pills and a few more things i spent like $45 there ugh no more spending money for me i just cant got u got

*2 pack fish oil pills bottles

*bottle of b-12

*bottle of biotin

*bottle of one a day sour gummies multivitamin


*notebook(i have to keeo track of my food better iknow i write it on here all the tiem but i need a notebook as well)

*box of orange tazo caffeine free tea bags

i ate way way way tomuch yesterday and i didnt weight myself thi smoring and i prob wont weight myself all week cause my period comes next week and i'll b all bloated and ew and ugh so yeah no scale for awhile

im working on going vegan i kno wi wont b able to go completely vegan cause every friday i have to eat out with the boy but ima try my best and do the best i can

food log so far:
*small banana
*small apple
*salad(6 romaine lettuce leaves, 1 kosher pickle, 1 small tomato, lil cucumber, tiny handful of almonds)

*liter of water
*cup of choc mint hot choc

*65 min elly around the world hill workout level 12- 478 cals burned

Friday, September 10, 2010

Blood Test Results

Comp. Metabolic Panel

Glucose, Serum(65-99) 80
BUN(5-26) 8
Creatinine,Serum(.57-1.00) .98
eGFR(>59) >59 BUN/Creatinine Ratio(8-27) 8 Sodium, Serum(135-145) 140 Potassium, Serum(3.5-5.2) 4.2
Chloride, Serum(97-108) 106 Carbon Dioxide, Total(20-32) 21 Calcium, Serum(8.7-10.2) 9.4 Protein, total, Serum(6.0-8.5) 7.0 Albumin, Serum(3.5-5.5) 4.3
Globulin, total(1.5-4.5) 2.7 A/G Ratio(1.1-2.5) 1.6
Bilirubin,total(0.0-1.2) 0.5 AlkalinePhosphatase(25-150) 49
AST(SGOT) (0-40) 22 ALT(SGPT) (0-40) 17

Lipid Panal

Cholestrol, total(100-199) 246
Triglycerides(0-149) 142
HDL Cholestrol(>39) 72
VLDL Cholestrol Cal(5-40) 28 LDL Cholestrol Cals(0-99) 146

so the numbers in the "()" are the range where ur numbers are suppose to fall into the ones in bold are my results

they were only doing lipid panal but u get allt he results as well
idk what all the numbers and words mean or nething like yes i have high cholestrol idk what the others mean so if u guys have ne idea enlighten me please


ok so ready to hear how my doc visit went

well it didnt go good at all damn doctor but neway the nurse called me back she didnt even weight me like they usually do so im guessing i dont look skinny enough or sick enough or thati still look the same when i was there a few months ago for my pheunmonia but whatever they didnt weight me.

the nurse took my bloodpressure though it was 150/80 then the doc came in and took it and it was 140/90 its suppose to b 120/80 which means i have hypertension stage 1 lovely

then the doc got started on my cholestrol no shock to me its high again but it was higher then it was last year so he accused me of not following the diet he put me on last year im like im following it hes like obv ur not and so u have to b stricter. then he accused me of drinking to much soda and coffee im like i dont drink soda or coffee then hes like tea im like yeah tea i have like 2 cups of tea a day hes like welll start drinking decaf then.

then hes like im givng u pamphlets and a new diet and u have to follow it no messing around follow it to the t and not come back to c me until u get insurance.

tehn he writes me a note for i can give it to planned parenthood for i can keep taking my birth control he wrote" may continue her birth contorl as long as she sticks to her low salt diet"

i tried to tell him i really dont eat that much salt but he didnt listen cause the results told him otherwise then im like my dad has the same issues and hes on medication and he goes well im not putting u on medication

well thanx doc arent u just lovely

so i was reading over the pamphlets
*my hypertension could cause tears in my arteries which then scar tissue forms over with then plaque forms over that which makes the passage way for blood smaller it puts pressure on my walls and that could cuase heart attack or stroke

*my high cholestrol could cause heart disease

so no wonder my heart has been bothering me alot lately

so the diet he put me on is a cholestrol and sodium restricted diet. it tells me all the foods im alllowed to eat and not allowed to eat and all that jazz it also gave me a sample food plan its so much food i'll type out the ideas they gave me for u gusy can c its suppose to b 1815 k cals

meal plan well one smaple menu they gave me
*half a grapefruit
*low cholestrol egg substitute
*2 slices whole wheat toast
*1 tsp margarine/jellly
*1 cup 1 percent milk

*3 oz salt free fat free chicken breast
*salt free fat free sweet potato
*salt free fat free green beans
*whole wheat bread w/ margarine
*iced tea

*1/2 cup salt free vegetable juice
*3 oz salt free fat free meatballs in salt free tomato sauce
*salt free fat free broccolli, spinach salad, 1 tbsp dressing
*garlic bread 1 tsp margarine
*fruit sorbet
*1 cup 1percent milk
* coffee or tea

that is an insane amount of food like fucking crazy amoutn and he is nuts if ima eat that much which im not not at all

i dont like redmeat nor doi like milk or coffee or sweet potatos

do ppl actually eat that much food in one day like really cause it just seems like so much to me idk if its just that my mind is so fucke dup from this ed that i cant comprehend eating that much like i know normaly ppl are suppose to eat like 2000 cals a day but do they eat that much in one sitting

im still gonna go vegan on monday well ima try to at least ima wrok on it i really want to and ive been watning to for a long time so ima give it a shot again ima still giv emyslef one free day a week which is fridays since we go out to eat

i have to read over the diet very careful and then apply the vegan rules

my mom bought me candy corn today which i already ate way to much of ugh damn things i only eat them during fall so i guess its ok

but i did eat a lil to much already today which im not happy about at all

i did go to the gym this morning though well after the docs i went on elly for 65 mins did the one hill work out and burnt 451 cals yay go me

and another realy good happy note is i got a job interview yay for me its monday morning at 10am its at one of the banks in town i woiuld b workng in the loan dept and its only part time so it would b tuesdays and fridays from 9-5 and then saturdays from 9-12. im excited and nervous at the same time

and i have no idea what to wear i dont have many dressy clothes and its getting colder buti was thinking this on dress i have is mustrad ywllo top with a black elastic band and then grey bottom so i was thinkng that with leggins underneath and this grey caragion thing on top to keep me warm do u guys thing that will b ok?

oo and i will post a picof what ima wear tonite later today when i actually get fully dressed in that outfit

love u all