Thursday, February 25, 2010


im tired of fucking nsow like cant it just b spring already even better can i have summer ugh stupid jersey weather its fuckin crazy. so we are suppose to have close to 2 feet of snow by tomm so idk if ima have to work tomm yet or not guess i will find out when i wake up. o and app we are gonna get another storm next week or something fucking sucks its almost march for fucks sakes stop snowing already

well i had a ood day today i didnt eat ne food unless u count the rolaids i take i take way to many of those but they help my acid relfux. and i chew gum alot i swear im addcited im always chewing a piece and i chew it till i cant nemore then i get a fresh piece

food log:
* cup of tea-0 cals
* diet coke-0 cals
* 2 water bottles with wild berry prmogrante mix-0 cals
* fuze- 20 cals

ima drink alot more tonite but thats what ive had so far :)

Monday, February 22, 2010


o ive passed out twice in the past on sunday wird i know sicne i normally dont pass out first time was early sunday morning i was waitng for the boyfriend to call after he got home from the bar and idk what happened but next thing i know its was 630 in the monring and yup i missed hes call i felt horrible. second time was sunday nite i wasnt feeling wekk my head was cloudy an di thought i was gonna puke soi layed down and i come too and its 3 hours later. i know u say u just feel asleep no i didnt caus ei came too in the same spot i layed down in and i didnt move an di always move when i sleep im a very restless sleeper and i dont sleep thru the nite. i coulndt figure out what would mak eme pass out since i ate that day but if igured it out today i have barely been drinking ne type of liquids but my bad i forgot to dirnk again and got dehradted so its time to start drinking 6-10 bottles of water a day again i cant keep passing out

food log:
*dry bran flakes-90
*southerwestern chicken strips-90
*roll w/ lil margrine- 150
*speical k crisps bar- 100
*salad(lettuce-10, 10 croutons-60 1 pickle-5)= 75
*icing- 100
*grapes- 20

*4 bottles of water-0
*strawberry melon fuze-20
*cup of tea-0

total cals consumed- 965

* 65 min bike- 418
* 9,799 steps taken- 253

total cals burned- 671

next cals= 294

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


so i went to the gym today i was so happy i was gonna do a good workout i get there look in my purse and realize i forgo tmy ipod so i was freaking out an dhaving a panic attack i cant b around that many ppl with out my ipod i need it it calms me and realxes me and i just need it. so i go tmyelf calm and decide that i was just gonna do a shorter workout so i decided to just do the bike for 65 minutes thank god i had my book im reading "marked" by pc and kristen cast its amzing u should all read it so i read that for an hour while on the bike

ooo an di fucking hate church ppl sorry if ne of u are religous i apolgize if i offend u but fucking hell i live my a church and everytime they get out they think that thye can just fucking cross the street when ever the fuck they want and pull out in fornt of u fuck that no u have to follow the fuckng rules just like the rest of us u dont get to do wahtever the fuck u want just cause u go to church no i dont fucking think so u dont pull out in front of ne1 u wait ur turn and u dont just cross the street in front of cars u wait til there are no cars coming then cross fucking hell is it that fucking hard ugh

food log:
*3/4 cup dry bran flakes- 90 cals
*speical k crisp fruit bar blueberry- 100 cals
*chicken noodle soup- 180 cals
*veggie chicken patty- 80 cals
*slice of bread- 45 cals
*smart food white cheddar popcorn-120 cals
*3/4 cup dry bran flakes(again)- 90 cals
*strawberry yogurt- 60 cals
*orange- 50 cals

*diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals
*2 mini cans diet coke-0 cals
*6 bottles of water(gonna drink 2 more)-0 cals

total cals consumed- 815

*65 mins bike- 396 cals burned
*6,331 steps taken- 161 cals burned

total cals burned- 557

net cals= 258

Tuesday, February 16, 2010


well the wkd kinda sucked it didnt suck suck but i ate to much sat sunday i did really od barely ate nethin an dim surprised that the boy didnt make me eat monday i totally fucked it all up again ugh

my boy got me a gift for vday thouh that i wasnt expectin i ot a dozen roses a teddy bear and some choc. i ate the choc yesterday hence the bad day yesterday

ive decided that from now on ima eat under 1000 cals then once the summer comes eat under 500 cals for some reason i can eat les over the summer and stay on track more idk mayb cause its warm and i can just leae the house and o for a walk instead of eatin

food log:

*3/4 cup dry bran flakes-90
*peach-45 cals
*fruit bowl(pinapple,1/2 cup blueberries, banana, necatine,apple and a orange)- 325
*egg whites-100
*90 pieces toast-90
*diet snapple peach tea-0
*5 bottles of water(gonna drink more)-0

total cals consumed- 880


*cleaned for 3 hours straiht- dk how many cals i burned but i was tired after
*8,637 steps taken- 215 cals burned

Thursday, February 11, 2010


omg i ate so much yesterday i just binged and binged i def ate over 2000 cals thats alot for me i know ppl will say thats not an actual bine but to me it is i ate so much bread yesterday srsly i jsut have to stop buying bread then i wont binge on it o and cheese no more cheese. iwanted to purge so bad yesterday but i resisted the urge cause im trying to break that habit and i know once i start again i wont b able to stop

idk exctly ho wmany cals i burned today cause i only had my pedometer watch on for the 5 hours at work so i dont know how much i burned all day. i did spend a lil over an hour outside today cleaning off my car (we got 16 inches of snow) then me an dmy bro had a snow ball fight and lets just say i spent more time on the ground then standing. im a klutz nomrally and i cant even walk on a flat surface so add in snow and ice its impossilbe. im so sore and im bruised stupid ass snow and ice ugh. i slid really nicley in my car today to going to work and after ugh u think they would tak care of the roads better

food log:


* 2 slice whole wheat light bread- 90 cals
* slice of vegan cheese-40 cals
* 13 slices vegan pepproni- 50 cals
* 2 pickles- 10 cals
* cup of pinapple- 75 cals

* special k blueberry fruit crips bar- 100 cals

* fruit bowl
* apple- 45 cals
* orange- 50 cals
* peach- 45 cals
*1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals
* strawberry banana yogurt- 60 cals

snack( eating now)
* bran flakes- 90 cals
* raspberry yogurt- 60 cals

* diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals
* 3 bottles of water- 0 cal
* 2 bottles w/ sugar free fruit punch mix- 0 cal

total cals consumed- 755

* 7,127 steps taken at work 182 cals burned

total cals burned- 182

i still have to finish cleaning my room and do crunches yet
love u all :)

Tuesday, February 9, 2010


god can some1 please make the itching stop its driving me nuts app im allergic to some food too ugh and i dontknow what one cause ive never been allergic to nething im so itchy and its annying and frustrating and it just hurts it itches so bad that it hurt. at lwast i haven an excuse to not eat alot now buut still i need to find out what im allergic too fo i can stop eating it all together bu ti cant go to the docs cause a) i dont have insurance b) it will cost way to much and c) my arm is so cut up he would notice and say soemthing fml

so app we could get up to 20 inches fo snow now which means ima b snowed in tomm whihc means i willg et bord and eat more ima try not to though and try to keep it really ehalthy

i neded up eating after i posted yesterday cause i just got so upset and i binged had a cheese sandwhcih, ice cream, sour gummies and choc i know i suck i gotta stop this binge starve pruge cycle that im on ijust wanna starve

food log:

* choc poptart- 100 cals
* banana- 75 cals

* orange- 50 cals
* yogurt- 60 cals

* egg whit omellet with vegan cheese- 90 cals
* 2 slice whole wheat toast- 90 cals
* potato- 110 cals

snack(shouldnt of eaten it)
* ice cream- 140 cals
* nabisco 100 cal pack- 100 cals

* 3 bottles of water-0 cals
* mini diet coke- 0 cals
* hot tea- 0 cals
* diet snapple peach tea- 0 cals

i need to drink more water tonite b4 bed

total cals consumed- 815

* over 11, steps taken- 288 cals burned

total cals burned- 288

Monday, February 8, 2010


so app im allergice to latex or cholorine tablets cause my hand is extremely swollen an di cantmake a fist and i got the biggest spot of my hip its huge and red and itches. my mm made me call my uncle and have him come over and look at it he said its def an allergic reaaction and since i havent changed nething expect those 2 things he said its prob one of those. and that since i was born 3 months early that my body reacts to things differently then it would for a normal person ugh damn hand made me mis the gy this morning cause as soon as my mom say it she like freaked. i did alot of laundry today and made sure i walked around alot to make up for it

oo and guess what app we are gonna have a blizzard tomm ugh i like snow but i hate driving in it and if we get the 18 inches that we are suppose to get i wont b able to get to the gym wed god fml guess its gonna b alot f crunches this week and cleaning andnehting to burn cals

food log:

*3/4 cup dry bran flakes-90 cals
*small banana- 75 cals

*nectarine- 50 cals

*veggie chicken patty- 80 cals
*baked potato no skin- 110 cals
*1 slice pepperdige farm light whole wheat bread- 45 cals

*blackberry yogurt-60 cals
*orange- 50 cals
1/2 cup blueberies- 40 cals

* 2 bottles of water-0 cals
* 2 bottles of water with sugar free lemonade mix-0 cals
* diet peach snapple- 0 cals
* 1 monster low carb energy drink- 20 cals
* 1 cup soy light choc milk- 90 cals
* 2 bottles water with sugar free fruit punch mix(drinking now)-0 cals

total cals consumed- 710

* over 15,000 steps taken- 380 cals burned

total cals burned- 380

net cals= 330

thanx everyone for the pic comments u r the best buti still have along way to go til perfection

Saturday, February 6, 2010


so ive been up seince 5am cause i was suppose to b at work by 8am but my aqua aerobics ladies cancelled adn then my boss said not to come in till 11 wich i think is still pusching it cause the weather is fucking bad like snow and shit yes im getting that snow storm that is hitting the north east like i like snow just not when i have todrive it in. im exhausted from being up but its almost 9am and nopoint in sleep now since i gotta b at work in 2 hours watch he'll like end up closing or soemthing ugh o well wait and c. so i ogt bored and took pics :) gona post them after im down bambling

so yesterday went good. had those drinks from the previous post and 2 more bottles of water
at 7pm had a small apple
at 9pm the boy decdied it was time for dinner so we went to friendlys(if u dont know what it is google it) i had:
* half a turkey club- has sour dough bread turkey, tomato, bacon and lil cheese on it. i never eat a hole sandwhich soi just had half of it
* my fries that came withmy sandwhich dipped them in bbq sauce
* then i had vanilla ice cream with strawberries and bananas blended in it

i dont know the cals because i need adobe to get their menu up and my computer doesnt have that but im ok since i didnt eat prior so im sure im fine

i haven eaten nething yet today just had one cup of hot choc(25) and im onmy first botttle of water (0)

ok pics time :) let me know what u think

Friday, February 5, 2010


so i endedup binging last nite like bad had:
* 5 choc chip cookies
*7 hersey kisses
* bag of 100 cal pretzels
* 3 rice cakes
*corn chips with cheese
* and a bagel

i didnt purge cause im tyring to stop that and if i give in i will keep purging i feel so fat today and i havent eaten to make up for it so far i have had:
* 3 bottles of plain water
* 2 bottles with wild berry promgranate mix sugar free
* iced mint mocha coffee

Thursday, February 4, 2010


if u read my post from yesterday u can tell i wastn in a good place not a good place at all. im was depressed and just didnt know what to do nemore. i still dont know what to do but i do know that im not going to recover im trhow myself full force into my ed's and jsut let them take control i need control and was b thin so thin i cant wait

food log:

*3/4 cup bran flakes- 90 cals
*2 hersehy kisses- 44 cals

lunch( my own creation)
*corn chips-150 cals
*baked potato-110 cals
* shredded cheddar cheese- 100 cals

i put the chips on the bottom then a lil cheese then the baked potat cut up no skin on top of that then a lil more cheese put it in the microwave til its melted and there ya go

*2 oranges- 100 cals

*mini diet coke- 0 cals
*4 bottls of plain water- 0 cals
* 2 bottles with sugar free fruit punch mix(drinking now)-0 cals

total cals consumed- 594

*65 min on elly- 496 cals burned
*7,777 steps taken- 195 cals burned

total cals burned- 691

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


do u ever have those days were u wonder if all of this is worth it if all the pain and suffering is worth it. well that day was today for me i was so depressed but i had my 2 lil cousins and they make me so happy so that helped me get thru the day. but i wasjust sitting there playing with them and wondering y am i doing this, y am i in so much pain, y do i let food run my life, y do i listen to the voices in my head, is all of this worth it. u know what i came up with yes of course it is wroth it u know y cause when th enumber on the scale goes down its the best feeling in the world. 2 c the weight come off and the bones come out more. i have to stop listening to my body and listen to my head cause the voices are always right fuck my body it doesnt need all that food it doesnt and ima stop giving in and iving it to it. i have to stop binging. i cant b nomral its either starve or binge there is no in between for me never has been never will b. so from now on its starve and exercise. i cant ocmpletley stop eating again cause fml my boyfreind is watching me an d knows all my tricks and shit so i gotta still eat. i ahve to start following that plan as well that i made up i cant just keep eating watever the fuck i want cause that is just not right and its making ana mad trust me i know my kindeys hurt my hand is swollen y idk but she is punishing me and i need to make her happy from now on.

i know today just sucked i ate like 1000 cals and i dont even wanna list what i ate so im not gonna im to ashamed but trust me tomm ima do way better and make myself and ana proud and im kicking mia out mr. razor can stay but mia ur out im tired of u

love u all stay strong and sorry for the rant

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

new plan

ok ive been such a fat ass lately and ive been binging for the past week and either purging or exercsising alot. i gotta stop purging htough its taking to hard of a toll on my body and everyone keeps telling me to stop purging so ima try my hardest to stop i hope i can. i cut yesterday and deep and its still ozing but not bleeding so thats good yeah i know i should sotp the cutting too but i cant i need it i need the relief and release that it gives me so yeah no im not stopping that and dont tell me i have to cause i wont listen

ok heres the plan:

* 1 serving of dry cereal(app no milk)
* i serving of fruit

* is normal its gonna b my big meal of the day instead of doing the big meal at dinner. its gonna b healthy and of course im no comfortable eating alot of things so it wont b huge. i'll prob just go ot the store and get vegan lunch meat and cheese and low cal bread if i can find some and have a sandwhich some days

* 1 serving of non fat yogurt
* 1-2 servings of either fruit or veggies or a combo of both

*6-10 bottles of water a day
* diet snapple if wanted
* diet coke if wanted

i usually just drink lots of water with 0 cal sugar free drink mix in it

fridays weill b different cause its date nite with the boy so fridays i will eat very lil during the day then have a coffee after work then a normal dinner with him

sat and sun gonna try and stick to the paln but that all depends on my work schedule

exercise(gonna stay the same)
* try and get to the gym 3-4 times a week for 65 min of cardio
* crunches every nite

cal wise i wanna stay under 800 under 600 would b even better

love u all