Tuesday, May 31, 2011

5/31/11

i owe u guys an update i got lost in my head for awhile there and got to turned around to make sense of ne of it but im clear enough right now to post for u guys catch u up on my not so exciting but drive me crazy life

so i will start off with today i went to go get my blood work dont yes i get bloodwork and no its not for my eating disordermy docs dont care enough bout me to acutally realize i have a problem its for my cholestrol and u have to fast for 12 hours for that so i did i stopped eating at 630pm last nite and just drank water and then got up at 7 to get everything ready even made a protein shake for after so yeahi leave teh hose at 8 to go get it done an dim sitting there waitng for a lil they finally call me up and they say they cant do it cause my ass of a doc wrote june on the top he does that for i wil remember to come c him cause he knows i will froget so yeahi have to go back thursday to get it done so i fasted for about 14 hours and god was my chest tight when i woke up this morinng u guys know that i cant fast much nemore and its hard on my body even if i barely eat all day i still have a lil something b4 bed just for i dont wake up with the chest pains but i have to go back thursday morning so thats another fast im not complaining i like not eating its just my health isnt good and it hurts my chest so much but o well

i did go to the gym after i drank my protein shake on the way i didnt wannapass out at the gym and i even did a lil extra workout there as well sincei wont b able to get there much this week i burnt total of 721 cals there yay go me
so workout log for today
*65 mins elly level 5- 465 cals burned
*35 mins elly cascades hill workout level 5- 256 cals burned

i went to the grocery store after that cause my fridge is like empty i only had like 1 banana and some applesauce in there i alwasy wonder what cashier think when they see me and what im buying cause i get werid combos of things sometimes and weird numbers idk im just weird and its all healthy excpet for my lil treat i only go shopping once a week so i alwasy get myself something lately its been mozzysticks and jalapona poppers yeah i know i shoudlnt have them the dariy and the wheat ha but app i like pain and i just snack on those all day and then go right backt o restrcting i know my head doesnt really make sense not one bit but its who i am and i cant change the way i think

so at the store i got
*4 bananas
*3 apples
*2 mangos
*2 lb bag of cherries
*unsweetned almond milk
*mozzy and jalapona poppers

im planning on just realzxing now the rest of the day i have a tummy ahce from the diary i should throw it up but the boy is scared enough so i wont i already threwup twice this month and plus its so hot out in the 90's today and my room doesnt get ne air thru the window so yeah i just aly in front of the fan and dont move its been like this for a few days we went from cold stormy chilly tofucking hot as well but its suppose to storm tomm and break the heat so we will b back to the 70's instead of the 90's

so u know how u guys all dont like my doctor cause he is an ass adn doesnt listen to a word i say to him well i get home from all my running around today and my mom looks at me and says ur aunt called adn im immediatley thinking soemthing is wrong cause thats how my family is one bad blow after another and iknew she was going tot he doctors today we go tot he same one and im like whathappend and yeah nuttin happened but app the doctor is leaving at the end up june he didnt even tell her the lady at the front desk did so guess who will b finding a new docotr now yes me i go back to c him like next week or osemthing so mayb he will tell me but whatever teh boy wants me to go to hes doctor cause hes nice and listens and doesnt yell at u i gotta look into all of it

well yesterday we had apicnic for memorial day we alwasy have iton that day at the same park in the same spot but of course sinc emy otwn fucking sucks and like to celebrate shit ugh but neway app it was the 150 year anniversary of the town (whoopity fucking doo) i couldnt care less but they had all this shit at the park venders and performances and stuff the one cool thing was they did land a black hawk helicpoter and we got to go up and c it yeah only cool thing about the day yeah but neway back to my point we were gonna cancel the picnic cause it would b crowded there but we do it for my grandmother shepassed away wheni was in high school but she loved going tot he park for picnics so we keep the tradition alive we coudldnt b int he same spot as we alwasy are but we still had our picnic i was gonna walk up like i usually go do but it was way oht yesterday and ive been having trouble with my leg again not a good thing so i drove up and we coudltn park int he park cause of the stupid celebration so i just parked on a side street and walked over the lil bridge into the park. i wasnt planning on eating nething there since the food would of made me sick neway and i ate osme skittles and an apple b4 i went but a couple hours into the picnic i started to feel really bad and i mean like chest pains and the pain between the shoulder blades(idk what that is but ihave been getting it alot lately) and my left bood hurt(y just the left i coudlnt tell u) and then my stomach felt like something was tryingt o claw its way out so i had 2 carrots, 2 cucumber slices, 2 cherry tomats and some chips it helped alil but not much but then we wnet up to the park and playe dmy lil cousins were there we didnt get to play much it was just so hot and sticky and sweaty it was gross and the slided were way to hot to even go done i did climb up and down with them for alil while though and of course they had to run up to the park and back so chased after them. we played duck duck goose and tag for a lil i even took my like 18 month old cousin on the swings he love it kept laying walked him around to c all the army trucks let him sit in them he even sat in the helicpoter it was cute and he loved it. i even got to meet my lil couins the new one shes like 5 weeks or so now but i was the last person to meet her everytime my cousin would bring her down i was at work and coudlnt meet her but i did finally the first time i held her she cried she was hppay in my autns arms and iw ent to hold her and seh balled her eyes out she didnt like me but by the end of the day she let me hold her shes so tiny and percious and innocent i just love babies i reallly do i cant wait ot have one of my own someday. other things happened that say as well but my mind isnt working right so yeah thats the jist of it though o yeah i had some macroni salad and pasta salad as well there fucking killed my sotmach and then the ice cream truck came so of course had to get sometihng i got a small italian ice the guy was nice he mixed the bubble gum and cherry flavors together for me it was a good combo.

me and the boy had like 2 talks this wkd i didnt c him friday nite he went out with the boys hes been thru alot so i dont blame him yeah i miss him like fuck but he needs to clear hes head and everything and he went out sat nite as well but he came over after and asked me to comeoutside and i did and we juts talked he sat in hes car and u got me leaning into the windo this takl had nuttin to do about my ed for once but like our of the blue he asked bout my birth control hes like how affective is it im like 99-99.7% i coulnt remember the exact number hes like so its that if u do something too like condom we use the pull out method and im like no its that effective all on its own hes like really im like yes im not lieing to u so hes like i dont have to pull out then im like no u dont hes like y didnt u tell me this before and im all like i thought u knew hes like no i thought i had to do something else and im like no so yeah we kinda deicded that we arent gonna use the pull out method nemore and ima just take the birth control idk were that came from it came out of the blue and i know u guys are gonna say we are stupid for just relaying on that but we have been togehter for nearly 8 years and i txted my twin the next day and she said that he prob just wants to b closer its liek the next step and i know its a risk but really its a risk im willing to take u can call b stupid if u want but iwanna b as clsoe to him as i can it will b 8 years in july i love him so much but after we decided the new way we were going to do stuff he pracically like pulle dme half way thru the window to kiss me so i guess he is happy so when i c him this weekend it will b scary and exciting all at the same time cause ive never done that b4 not with him and not with the guy i was with b4 it was alwasy pull out of condoms but like i said its a risk im willing to take

we got to hang out sunday though since he had off on monday cause of the holiday i had to work 11-630 so when i gothome i showered and changed and he came over and we just hung otu outside since my room is so hot and we just atlked and just spent time together he made me sit down though hes like uve been on ur feet all day uhave to sit we got talking about my stomach im like if i cut out everything that makes me sick im really dizzy like really dizzy hes like u have to have sugar ur blood pressure drops enough and we have to figre out whats wrong with u a cure or a pill u use to live off of salds and now u cant eat them nemore it was jsut a quick convo we had a longer one later but neway we went to the moives with friends well hes 2 friens and their girlfriends i like the one girlfriend shes the one that came to new yrok with us and blatimore laste summer the other one i dotn c much but we saw the hangover 2 it was ok the first one was way better he kept trying to get me to eat since i didnt eat dinner we went for a drive b4 the moives and he offerent to buy me ice cream he knows i love my ice cream but i didnt wanna get sick b4 the moives so i didnt have ne but at the movies he bought me a box of the crazy cores skittles he got nachos gave me some with out the cheese and hes friend gave me 2 pretzel bites idk what is up with those 2 feeding me im not that small i weighe din at 103.6 that day so im not tiny im 104 right now gained a few ounces

but neway after the movies we came back to my house and just sat in front of the fan yes its that hot but he pulled me into hes lap and just held me and we talked more bout myhealth that i have to find otu whats wrong cause he knew soemtihng was off at the moives my chest was hurting but ididnt want to scare him but he said that he understand that but i still have to tell him he has to know that hes lost so much already he cant lose me idk what all was said but i knoew he is scared an di dont wanna sacre him nemore i dont but i dont think i will ever get my health back but he says that sometihng has to b realy wrong that its nt right that i cant eat nething with out being in pain nemore that it came on all too sudden so he wants me to make the doc help to make him figure out what is wrong he also told me i have to start sleeping more cause im looking really tired he know si have inosminia he knows how hard it is for me to sleep and i pnly ever really sleep when he is there he doesnt understand it i try to explain it to him i feel safer when he is there i feel like nuttin can happen to me that he will protect me from everything so i only really sleep sleep like once a week but heknows when my head is extra bad cause im extra tired hes like my head is constnatlygoing too right now not like urs iknow urs is bad an di cant help that wish i could trust me i wish my head would stop as well ugh

ok wow ij ust rambled on there for awhile i really didnt mean to ijust got carried away but iahve 2 pics for u the otufit that i wore to work on sunda just cause it was relaly cute and then the ourfit i wore with him on sunday nite

saturdays outfit




sundays outfit( i wore a yello zip up hoodie as well i started to get cold as the nite went otu boy thought i was nuts)




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liesel and lyz-thanx guys i want them out more though i havnet got there new album uyet kinda broke i spend mto much money on books i need to get it thoguh

violet- thanx hun im far from gorgeous there is alot more work to do but i do likemy hipbones i just wish there were out like that when i was standing

ayden-im sure u look great as well an di alwasy think im fat no matter what weight im at its jsut how my fucke dup head works

displayed and marie- thanx both of u for commenting

scared blogger-im glad ur back i missed u and got worried but i udnerstand that soemtimes u just cant put into words what ur feeling

jordan-thanx hun i like my stars too when the guy drew it he didnt even see my stomach jsut he had the cruve perfect o a rib tattoo nice make sure its osemthing u really want and can live with forever

americaneagle-thanx hun idk how i coudl b ur thipso when ru tinier then me but thanx the comment meant alot ur welcome for the music it keeps me calm i listent o it alot and ur right i think alot of use can relate to that song yes i love rise against as well. thanx for the hair comment and no not side bangs i have normal bangs my forhead tend to break out he most and the bangs hide it

gianni-idk how uguys c me as thinpso im sitll huge but thanx the comment makes me feel better

bones-yes music is def that thanx hun i look kinda funny blonde it washes me out but it doesnt stop me from still coloring it yeah summer as finally came here to the northeast ha took it long enought and thanx hun

coffee, aly and violet- thanx for teh hair comment means alot

displayed- im not shooting of rrecovery well not nemore at least i just coudlnth andle it it just drives me crazy makes my head even more nuts then it already is. im in new jersey hun so i know what u mean about the heat i like it htough since im nomrally cold neway it makes me feel better and i eat way less when its hot and not even cause of my ed i just alwasy been like that i work in retail hun so i cant snack on nethng while im there andi cant have drinks on the floor thats y i get dizzy cuase im sitll not over my dehyradtion so i only get to drink on my break it sucks

miniandmerry- im just alwasy hetic nuttin ever slows down ever it sucks im sue to it but it still sucks

adrianne- yay for liquid fast just becaerufl hun

i want to be perfect-thanx for the hairy reply hun

lyz-thanx hun i hae to fix it again though ugh i can never get it right

displayed- o yeah i put my heair thru hell all the time it keeps me calm someimtes though idk im werid

mich-thanx hun yeah its not natrual it just colored that way its not taking right nemore for soome reason idk y though i wish my hair was longer though it pretty much doesnt grow past tahtlenght we dont have central air i have to pu tmy aci n but parents wont do it yet i like the heat it keeps me warm im alwasy comeneway i need the heat but osmeties the humidity is just way to hot

Saturday, May 28, 2011

new pics

its way to hot in my room to sleep so i took pics itslike nearly 2am dont mind my fat self myhip bones look kinda good they could b out way more though andmy stomach needs to be more concave and my ribs wow they need to b out even more then my hips





Friday, May 27, 2011

more songs

i calmed myelf down but my head is still amess purged today and took 6 diuretcis resulted in a 2 lb lose from this morning

so more songs

"crawling" linkin park



"outside" staind



"pressure" staind




"fade" staind



"we made it" linkin park



"i made it" kevin rudolf

5/27/11

so i cant really make sense of what is going thru my head right now so songs is what you guys are going to get


"survive" rise against



"pressure" paramore




"someday" flipsyde




"headstrong" trapt

hair

so dyed my hair again so here are teh pics it didnt come out like i wanted but i still looks aight i hope i need to give my hair a break ive dyed it and undyed it alot in the past week and half my roots came out darker wish my hole head did o and my bangs as well so here u go let me know what u think if u hate it or semi like it



Thursday, May 26, 2011

5/26/11

so i decided to write out some rules formyself since i have been doing really bad lately like really bad
i weighed myself this morning and i was 107.6 last week i was 105 so i gained alil over 2 lbs in a week a fucking week wtf i was trying i really was trying the recovery as u can tell i was eating more and i last week i didnt even go to the gym once now that was hard but last week was a torture on my anxiety and my health and my head and just everything

my period is a lil late mayb thats the weight gain all the water weight idk it was suppose to come on tuesday it didnt and it didnt cmoe on wed either and it was only al il this moirnng but im not in pain and trust me when i get mine its is torture i susally pass out from the pain im sure it will come though prob later today it does that sometimes and me and the boy r careful im on the pill and he pulls out yes i know we shoudl use condoms but yeah they wwere never my thing

but yeah neway my rules they are just general ones:

*avoid the food that makes me sick(dairy gluten raw veggies)- i havent really been doing that much and u guys know how bad my stomach is so yeah im pretty much in pain all the time
*drink plenty of water- i tend to get dehyrated alot
*least 1 cup of caffeien free tea a day-usually not aproblem i dirnk like 3 a day but its getting hotter so it will b harder
*only eat meat when i have too-ive been eating it during the week and i shouldnt so from now on only chicken when me and boy go out to eat
*eat tons of fruti and veggies-not a problem cherries are back in season love those
*avoid junk-gotta stip snacking on the chips
*some sort of exercise everyday- like crunches or the gym if i can get there
*try to not eat after 8pm-ive been working nites this week and wheni get home atlike 930 ive been eating gotta stop thtat like now


so i went and saw my lil couisn graduate preschool today it was the cutest lil cermony ever and she just looked so adorable in her lil cap aww so cute an di got to c her too lil crazy brothers and i mess my new cousin as well everyoen else has meet her and im alwasy working but she is this cute lil chubby thing she was dressed all in pink so cute

we are having apicninc on monday for memorail day so i will get to c her again as well i might have to work so hopfully they are still there when i finally get there and theya re doing like hot dogs and hamburgers so yeah no food for me i dont like those

its getting exetermly hot here in new jersey we went a hole week with those crazy storms the rain and thunfer tornada watches and flood warnings last week was crzy here and it wasnt like insanely hot either and now bad from one extreme to another its gonna hit close to 90's today yesterday it was in the 80's so yes hot i love hot but my room is tiny and it gets barely ne air so im like sweating in my room makes it even harder to drink my tea

im having the hardest time loooking at myself lately i just see all the fat adn teh flaws and it all and i jsut cant handle it nemore i have to change hence the rules up top

ok heres my exercse log for th eweek so far
*5/23/11- 65 mins elly level 5- 460cals burned
*524/11- 65 mins elly level 5- 461 cals burned
*5/25/11 65 mins elly level 5- 461 cals burned


no gym today since i went to my cousins preschool graduationg ima try to go tomm though
and i washed my car for a lil under 1 hours yesterday as well
food log for the week u dont even wanna know i wanst even keeping track thats how bad it was

today im doing better though so fari had 1 apples, cup of green tea, cup of lipton cup of soup and some water
i have to work 5-930 as well so idk what else ima eat today but it wiill prob b something

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unbeautiful-thanx hun ima dye the top black soon though the blonde washes me out a lil

graceyj-my hair is a mess as well u just cant tell but really its really dmamaged and thats as long as ir will grow

bones-yeah im planning on dying the top black tomm

kitkat- i wish i could have extensions i want long hair mine doesnt grow as longer then it is now

aly- thats the plan hun to go with the black i look better with black hair

Monday, May 23, 2011

hair/comment replies

ok so i promise du a pic of my hair an di have its different the color didnt take right at all even after to attempts so i had to strip part of it i did it today it was suppose to b black on top and red underneath well the black didnt teke right at all idk y i never had this issues but i guess since my hhair had so many different colors in it to begin with idk it took on some parts some parts it didnt so i still had the highlights so i stripped the top part o fmy hair and left teh undereath the way it was this is how it is im trying to deicde if i should dye the top again try to get it to go black or leave it with the way it looks now yes thats how it turned out when i stripped it let me know ur opions guys




comment replies

*danae-thanx hun an dits ok dont apologize for that im glad ur dong well though ive been keeping up with ur blog have u thought about letting ur hair grow out for u can style it diffrently

*because i love who i can become-thanx hunny

*little jo-thanx hun m loving the layout as well there are like how to braid things online im sure u can teach urself i taught myself

*americaneagle- u can use the background if u want just save it to ur computer and then u can change it to ur background french braiding isnt hard i taught myself it takes al il getting use to but once u get the hang of it its not bad at all. im really self destructive its just my nature i guess and be glad that u cant really purge its hell and ive beent rying to stop cutting for awhile now i just cant do it i relay on it to much its my way of dealing with my emotions since i dont knowhow to deal with them nomrally i cant just cry i cant i ihave to cut thepain out

*unbeautiful-thanx hunny sometiems its just harder to give up though u know im glad im not the only one falling up the stairs ive been to my fair share of funerals and it never gets easier i had to b there for him i just had to

*graceyj-im glad that i dont drive u nuts and thanx hun givign up it so much easier though

*bones-its not really that elaborte but thanx hunny aw pixie cut i would never b able to cut my hair that short mayb u can grow it out sometimes if u want an dthen u can do the braids its so rough and so hard and my head doesn shut up engough for me to even think o fa way to get thru it i finally posted a pic of my hair hope u like it and i do drastic changeds all the time it keeps me sane c i wont cut my hair im scared of that but i will dye it ne color

*displayed- thanx for that hun i acutrally liked that outfit and that is rare sincei never like how i look in clohtes it was a cute outfit though thanx hun but its ahrd for me to just think about myself ive never done that cuause i just cant face myself so i worry and face other things other ppl just to run away from my problems idk how to deal with my problmes or emotions i just cant i cant make sense of everything that is going on in my head. yeha my fmaily has been thru alot and so has hes so its just a hard time it seems like its alwasy hard though and idk if i can beat my ed its been ingrained in my brain since god for a s long as i can remember itdidnt just hit me at one point ive been werid with food my hole likfe it just like gets bigger and bigger

*thinqueen1-yeah thats not the issue with me yeah recovery will hurt but i have stomach issues as well on top of my ed there are alot of things i cant eat cause of allergies or my IBS so it makes it even harder for me. im alwasy clumsy its just the way i am u think i would grow out of it already but nope not a day goes by that i dont fall or walk into to something

*ally-wow everyday damn dont hurt urself when u fall down. idk how everything will b fine or ever fine everything is alwasy a mess

*black angel- im trying to b strong but its so hard to b strong to fight against everything that i know

*dietcokeplease-i alwasy run up the stairs and down them too its a lil bit extra exercise

Sunday, May 22, 2011

computerbackgrounds/ pics

ima give u guys a break from my crazy fucked jumple of my head rambling since i knwo im driving u all nuts

computer backgrounds made them friday






outfit( i wore it friday but no1 saw it sense i didnt c the boy idk what he did that nite)






how i had my hair styeld friday nite( its a french braid that when across the top then down the side and pulled into a side pony)




still owe u all a pic o fmy har but i gotta redo it the color ididnt cover it all and its amess so hopefully later i will have a pic for u

Saturday, May 21, 2011

5/21/11

im so confused idk what to do nemore my head is just all fucking jumbled up im trying so hard to eat more for the boy to eat and b better for he doesnt hav eto go thru the pain of losing me too cause we all know my health isnt good

but whats thepointof trying so hard when he shuts me out im not blaming him i understand y he is doing it he has lost alot and i dont blame himi just wish he would let mehelp him let me b there for him let me comfort him but its ok i will wait and when hes ready he will come

i was looking up meal plans that are used when u are recovering from anorexia and damn i cant do it 1) there is a shit ton of food that i cant eat due to my stomach and 2) its just to much all at once

all the starches meats and dairy and carbs i have so many stomach issues i cant have ne dairy cant have nething raw no wheat or glutten so i guess i should just give up on this hole recovery thing cause its not gonna work for me neway there is no way it will my mind is to wrapped up in it ive been this way for to long my body is to fucked up from it ugh

Friday, May 20, 2011

5/20/11

ugh my comptuer is being a bitch or it might b blogger idk but ive beent rying to upload pics all day and it wont let me so when it finally will u will have thinspo post(on my other blog) and then myoutfit on here and a pci of my hair

i dyed it today ig ot bored and my head was going crazy i didnt to do somthing extreme and different so i dyed it i wanted to starve or cut or purge but im tyring to not b so self destructive i cant ahve the boy lose me too

so i bought black and red ahir dye i did red underneath and black on top but since my hair was so many different colors to begin with its kinda all over the place i still like it but i will dyeit again in a week to try an dmake it more normal

o and im liking express clohtes i know i nomrally dont like how clothes fit but the clthes from there acutally fit me better im so use to clothes being so big and baggy on me even though i cant c that im skinny i know other ppl do so yeah clothes dont fit and i hear everyday how my clohtes never fit how they ar elose and baggy on me

but itried on a black halter from express and it fit good it was a flowy fit which i love but its not even bigger on me then normal my sis was like schoked that it fit me she like it fits and it looks good on ur boobs look good

o and i tripped up the stairs today yes up them not down them i think im the only person in the world who can trip up them but yeah i was lost in my head and thoughts and i wasnt paying attention and i tripped it didnthelp that i had cup of hot soup and liter bottle of water witih me i dropped the water to save the soup scared the shit out of mom when the water came bouncing down she though it was me but i only spilled a lil of the soup i did tweak my bad leg alil though and i am limping but its ok iw ill b ok

Thursday, May 19, 2011

thankyou/sorry/update

i just wanted to say thank u to everyone
comment answers

*mich-yeahi know i was being really irrational wheni wrote that they didnt even knew i threw up they didnt know til i said i did and my mom goes well no more pancakes or cookie dough for u not are u ok or nething like thatj ust dont eat it again. yeah i would love to just run away and i bet me and u would have tons of fun adn get ina shit ton of troulbe as well my town sucks though. and no ihavent read that book i wil have to check it out though

*desesperee- thnax hun lol ur so sweet and u dont have to bake me nething and waste ur money on stamps and psotage its ok pain is pain right let u know ur alive

*graceyj-do ur parents not care either? im liking the new look as well

*coffee-thanx hun the tab add was a last minute decision

*adrienne- thanx hun

*because-yes airy and thanx i was going to simple but still like artistic

*unbeautiful-yeah ive been thru alot i shoudl update that i think i wrote taht over years ago

*just jessica-thanx hun and i know he loves me it just kills me that ihurt him like this

*starvingforperfection-u have to wanna do it for u or u will never b abel to do it i know it first hand

*violet- i think my body will alwasy reble since ive put it thru hell so much in its lifetime

ok now for the sorry part im sorry that i have been all over theplace lately my head just havcnet been in the best palce and that resulted in a shit ton of freak outs as u guys can c since i freaked out on here for days but ima try and not take it out on u guys nemore but it flet good to type it out and have ppl acutally understand teh fucked up jumble of my head even though i coudlnt understand it

update time

so today was teh funeral for the boys brother i went of coruse i went i txted hes one friend yesterday to c if he was going and he was so i got a ride with him if he wasnt going i would of drove myself but i would of freake dout the hole way i dont do good with driving espeically when idk where im going even though it wasnt far away its just idk im a freak what else is new

but neway the veiwing was from 1130-1 and we got there early around 11 we just stood outsdie wtih my boy for alil and then he got tired of everyone coming p to him telling him sotries of hes brother so he went insdie to b with hes family and i dont blame him for that but we went in at 1130 and sat there til the funeral started at 1 i dont know many of hes family so its just weird but i sat with the boys 3 good friends i wore a black babydoll dress with black long sleeve shirt underneat grey tights that had flower desigin on them and black adn grey checkered flats. ihad my bnaags down and wore my hari curly(since its been raining so much here if i straightned it it would of cruled neway just from the weather)

i dont like funerals not at all wleli dont think neway likes funerals but yeah u know what i mean they did prays and all that and im not a religious person at all either is the boy or hes friends so we jsut sat there while every one else prayed but i gave hes mom a hug at the end b4 we went tot he cemetary the boy didnt really say much up to that point and i dont blame him its ok

the cemetary visit was short it was hard though i cant set foot in cemetaries i just cant but i forced myself to do it for him i was bouncing on my balls of my feet the hole time cause i jstcant do it all the dead all the sadness i just cant do it but i would do enthing fo rhim and i mean everything

the family had everyone to flynns afer flynns is a banquet hall they do catering as well alot of events are held there so thats were they had it and of course i went and the boy sat with us right next to me i was getting worried cause i didnt hear form him all week and he wasnt saying much but he sat next to me so it was all ok

it was buffet style like it alwasy is there and i didnt wanna eat trust me i didnt casue im slipping hard back inot my ed and i didnt eat all but he aske dme if i was gonna eat and i said yes that i would have osmething i dont need him worrying about me i really dont so ijust had veggies (carrots, celery, pcikles and tomatoes) hes grandmother came up to me in the line and introduced herself i dont know many of hes faimly but she came right up and said ive heard so much about u im hes grandmother i fake dmy big smile and said high nice to meet u she looked down atm y plate and said no wonder ur so skinny u dont eatmuch she was anice lady though she seemed really sweet

we were there for awhle just haning out he was smiling so that was good and i got a hig and teh kiss at teh end and he told me he would call me later
he did just txt me not long ago saying thanx for coming and i replied ur welcome i wanted to b there for u and that things will get better remember to take deep breathes and take it one day at a time thats what i do at least" he didnt reply after that but he said he was tired at the gathering so he prob feel asleep its ok he needs hes sleep

im really thinking abut trying to beat this eating disporder i dont want him to have to worry about me nemore ive put him trhu so much and my health just keeps plummting i dont want him to have to rush to the hopsital for me i dont want to hurt him i dont want him to look at me and just worry

i dont know what im going to do im just all confused right now my head is a jumbled mess i ate a couple cookies wheni got home and all i wanted was a dietpill after that but i have been taking so many recnelty that i need to give my body and chest a break so idint i just drank my tea and tried to keep my head calm

some of the stuff i orderedfrom express came in today a day early so yay for that an di weighe din at 105 this morning a lb lighter then i was yesterday

and ma made me happy she showed me the grocery ad and fuck yes cherries are back in season i have been dying for those so ima go tomm and get me some cherries ihave off o fwork but i have to go in neway just to pick up the shirt that we have to wear on sat and a pair of flip flips its $1 flip flop frenzy on saturday o yay funt imes its gonna b carzy and filled with annoying rudeppl ugh hate retail

im still trying to deicde if i want to go tot he gym tomm i will c how i sleep tonite
o an dimade more backgrounds on tuesday here they are o and i purged once this week




Tuesday, May 17, 2011

fuck it

i just had this long post wrote out and fuckign interent didnt post it so fuck it

short version b thankfully that ur parents acutally care enough to want to help you to watch you to make u eat cause how would u feel if u were throwing up int he bathroom with 3 other ppl in the house and no one cares or how when u go to eat soemthing and u have ppl telling u not to eat that or how ppl say y do u eat when it just hurts ur sotmach enway so be thankful that u have ppl that acutallly care about u that want to help u that are there for u that notice when u are sick not like me they dont notice when im sick nor do they care

Monday, May 16, 2011

new design

i just wanted to let u guys knwo i changed my blog up a lil
i made a new header and a footer yes i made those if neone ever wants one made for their blog just let me knowand i will gladly make it for u
i also choose a differnt background which took me forever to decide on im horrible at making decisions
and i added a new tab its called pics of me i willl try to update it once a month right now i have pics form 5/14/11 on there its just to show my progress hopeufllly it will show good progress of losses but im sure iw ill have some gains int here as well since i sturggle with binging and purging as well

well let me know what u think

how

how does my boy still love me how does he stay by me watch me starve myself slowing killing myself how does he manage to hold me when my chest is hurting so bad the pain is too much to take idk how he does it after losing 2 of hes family members to heart issues how does he still love me when im doing this to myself when im slowlyg killing myself and hes family members didnt have a choice int he matter they didnt wanna die they wanted to live and then u got me who just cant deal with nething at all that knows she is slowly killing herself cause she cant seem to fucking just eat right and be normal who cant get her head on straight no matter what who listens to the voices instead of the one voice the one voice that she knows would help her

nope i listen to all the voices in my head instead of the boys voice i dont listen to him telling me that thew chest pains arent normal that he knows i dont eat enough cause of those pains ugh im such a fuck up i really am

i want help fo rhim i want to do it for him but i dont want to do it for myself so since i dont want to do it for myself i will never b able to do it until i realize that my problem is a big problem til i realize that i cant keep doing this i wont b able to stop ugh fuck my head

i cant sleep my anxiety is to high my stress is to much my hole body is in pain my somtahc is a mess i give up

Sunday, May 15, 2011

answers

i guess i should explain my last post it had nuttin to do with my ed its just my family doenst have the best of luck its just one blow after th enext after the next thats y i hide my ed cause idk how much more my family can take things go ok for alil while and then bam bad news after bad news its like fuck it already

well my faimly i guess we are diong aight at the moment no major stuff but that will prob change since my aunt is still waiting test on her tyroid cancer she was in remission it came back though but they think it spread

but neway yesterday it was soemtihng that happened to the boy i checked my phone on my break and i have a txt from him saying that hes brother had a massive stroke on both sides of hes brain that he was prob going to die i txted him back he didnt want me to leave work he didnt want me to come over after he just didnt want me there but i wont hold it against him its alot to handle

he lost hes father suddenly a few years back as well to a stroke so its just like a slap to the face iw as shaking so bad and my chest hurt sharp painsi told hte one girl shes like waht are u still doing here an di said id rather be here then risk being at home and do something stupid she agreed with me there

i didnt here from the boy all nite id idnt here form him til this afternoon when i checke dmy phone on break hes brother died i just cant i just cant deal with it nemore

im so sorry for him so sad that he has to go thru that again i want to b there for him he doesnt want me he said he was ok i told him i was here but idk i guess he just wants to b with hes mom and hes father which i dont blame him for he should b with them

but it got me thinking he had to watch hes brothe die he had to make the deicison to pull the plug on hes father and then he has to watch me slowly kill myself cause i cant get a hold of my eating disorder

i dont wanna lose him i dont want hes heart to give out either i cant lose himim barely hanging on as it is what do i do? how do i make it better how doi help him just how i dont have ne answers u need answers

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unbeautiful-im alwasy questining everything. i dint know they had cinnamona pples either but when i saw them had to have them they were all warm and gooey so good

starvingfroperfection-yeah i dont believe in god either. im sitll huge though i thinkj that everyone thinks differently well of course everyone has their own thoughts and opions i just wish my thoughts were my own

lou-sometmes i think there is no point in it at all

americaneaglelove-im sorry that u were lied to so much i just some1 was around to give me all the answers. thanx hun i like to layer my clothes

aly-im suriving thats all i can do right. thanx hun ij ust wish i saw what everyone else say

bones-i know good exist i just dont understand y i cant have ne of it or my fmaily or the ppl i love. thanx i like my tattoo as well i have on eon my back too. thanx for the comment on my outfit. ur so right i gotta start dong things for me

graceyj-glad u like my blog

mich-dude u are much smaller then me i bet urs are out everything just makes me sick i try to pcikt hat thing that will make me the lease sick no dont have that ive never even heard of that place. i go tmy shirt at old navy

jenn- ha thanx for that hun

dileur-thanx hun i was alwasy a runner and a gymnast so yeah good legs for that

black angel- thank u hun and i lov eur blog btw

dark6_fairy-thanx hunny

Saturday, May 14, 2011

why why why

why do so many bad things happen to good people why cant the bad things happen to the people who acutally deserve it not to the good people who do everything right they live their life the best the can they dont do enthing wrong well not insanley wrong but u know what i mean

how many more bad things can happen before u crumble before everything is all consuming before u are stuck int his black hole of a shell that no matter what u do u cant get out of

just why

new pics

so iw anted to updated but i coudlnt think of nething to say so i deicded to just take a couple pics and show u guys that im really not as skinny as everything thinks i am im huge and i need to lose alot more weight until i can even be considered skinny

but neway sorry if this grosses u guys out osrry that u have to look at the fat that is me i did eat alil and had nearly a liter ofwater b4 taking these pics go di gotta stop eating all together again i need to b empty and pure it makes everything better when im empty







so me and the boy went to chili's last nite we meet our 2 friends there he told me 2 hours early so i had time to freak out and look up the menu and i did and i was trying so hard to find osmething that i coud eat that wouldnt completely kill my stomach cause i know that he hates to c me like that he even told me on the ride over to try and pick something that wouldnt b too bad it took me froever to find it i just wanted soup but he said i coudlnt just get soup so i ended up getting this grilled chicken meal it came with rice and beans but i cant eat beans so the waiter said i coudl pick a different side and guess waht they had cinnamon apples as a side and fuck were they good i acutally ate all of them and i just picked at the other part of my meal its called margarita grilled chicken it was grilled chicken with picodegala and tortiall strips i didnt eat the strips of the pico but i did have a few bites of my chicken a few spoons of my rice and all ofmy cinnamon apples

they got this appetizer that had 3 different things on it i just had 1 piece of chicken from it and 1 thing of celery i think i did good and the boy was happy andi wasnt too sick either

im getting dehyrated though an di tried to explain it to him hes liek u have to drink im like i am drinking but my stomach hes like r u thrwoing up alot again im like no i only thorw up like once a month i think it finally got it though yes i know we have been together nearly 8 hours but im embarrased to talk bout stuff like that but i go back to the doc in less then amonth so hopefully i can get osemthing for it i know one medicine they use to IBS is anitdepressants mayb i can get that it can help my stomach and help clear my head as well

i gotta do crunches im nasoues though stupid me had a lil dairy earlier and im sore cause its suppose to rain my body hurts alot when its suppose to rain or snow yeah it sucks

i work 5-930 today unless i get called in earlier whichi m kinda expecting but hope it doesnt happen

heres my work scheudle for next week
sunday-11-630
monday-3-930
tuesday-off
wednesday-11-6
thursday-off
friday-off
saturday-1-930

im hoping on my days off to get to teh gym i have been slacking on my workouts lately and i really need to get back into them i need to have sweat pouring off of me i need to b out of breathe and ineed to lose weight so yeah

wel im done bambling i think love u all

Friday, May 13, 2011

outfit

5/13/11

i was soupset that blogger was down yesterday th eone day i was really freaking out and needed to type everything out it was down buthey it happens sometimes and things need to b updated so i cant fault them for that

im still kinda freaking out and im wondering what other ppl think of me lik ei know how i think of myself not pretty enough not smart enought not perfect enough not skinny enough just not enough of nething

i just wonder what other ppl c what complete stangers think when they c me walking around do they thinkm im too skinny or do theythink like me and c the fat cow that i really am

idk what to think nemore im so confused ijust wanna give up on everything i dont wanna eat nemore i wanna b so skinny so fragile so breakable

i gotta go crunch away the food i ate right now sicne i nearly passed out while i was out running errands

i will post a pic of my outfit either later today or tomm

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

yes more backgrounds

myhead was going crazy while i was making these and im not happy with them they arent my best work but i figured u guys would want to c neway. the lyrics are by linkin park all taken from the same song





5/11/11

this yoyoing of my weight has just got to sotp already up and down up and down fucking hate the up and down cycle i hate the up part like fuck that ijust want it to go down

i week i will lose 3 lbs next week gain those 3 lbs back week after lose them and the cycle goes on and on
i was 103 last week weighed today 106 fuck me and granted i did have af ew bad days int here but fuck ugh idk y my body likes the 106 number so much itw a fucking bad number ihate it but my body likes that number and it stays there it plateuas there idk if thats my natural weight or what but fuck do i hate it

i start restrciting and it goes really well for a few days and then bam que in the chest pains the racing hert the dizziness the nealry passing out yes iknow my body is beat to hell from years and years of starving it seems like as soon as i go under 105 lbs the chest pains start and they are bad so achey and tight sometimes stabbing i will just stand there and rub my chest and ppl look at me funny im just like what my chest hurts the rubbing doesnt make it feel ne better so idk y i do it idk mayb its just my fucked up head thinking that its working

i really have to get my head back in teh gym ignore all the bad signals and symptoms and jsut fuckign lose the weigth already i havent seen double digits in 2 years
i go back to the docs shorlty in june and i need the scale to say lower then it did lastti me i was there is said 108 with clohtes and shoes on it needs to b lower he needs to knwo mnot ok

my sotmach is still a mess im nasoues a good part of the time i had stabbing pains in it today

while on my break i was flipping thru the womens health that was in the break room and i found this recipe in there i wanna try its 356 cals but i will have to change it cause some things i cant have so it will makeit lower in cals

ok iima go back to my pity party and getlost in my head i need my control back i need to b scared of food again i need to not eat over 500 cals ijust need to do all the crazy stuff i use to do god if ne of u read my blog from the beginning u knowhow bad i use to be i need that back

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starving forperfection -u can save them tahts fine if u want one made let meknow

kitkat-thanx hunny

dilur-u can use it if u want

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

more computer backgrounds







nowi gotta go do crunches and work off the jelly beans i ate that my mom said i shouldnt b eaten and u shoudl keep my hand out of the bag thanx mom

comment replies

*starving for perfection- i do feel quilty but o well its just the way my brain works my kindeys are ok at the moment ijust get werid shapr pains all over my body they will last a few days then go away nuttin to b worreid about my body is just a mess yes i love donating clothes the words in the background that u like are " when things are bad we take comfort in the thought they could always be worse and when they are we find hope inthe thought that things are so bad they have to get better"

*lil jo-yes i pushed thru the workoutim not a quitter so i had to keep going and i so bought my sis sour patch kids at the movies andi did love it such a good movie

*becasue i love who i can become-yeah life is alwasy buys for me

*alick-k-i dont hate u crazy uve been dealing with ur own life and im so proud of u for sticking to recovery

*liesel-u better go c it and dont listen to all the reviews bashing it is really was a good movie

*bones-yay im glad that i made u wanna c itmore

*sarah-ur welcome hun glad u like them

*dark6_fairy-thanx hun u can use them if u want

Monday, May 9, 2011

computer backgrounds

like i promised here are the backgrounds im posting them here instead of my creative blog cause more ppl follow this one and i figured u guys would want to c them if u guys have ne request let me know





water for elephants

ok so i just got home from seeing the movie and i promised u guys that i would blog about it as soon as i got home

so me and sis went to the 4:05pm showing we wanted to go to a ealier show for it would b cheaper but the early one was closed captions an dyeah we didnt wantt hat so we went tot he later one and i spent $21.50 on 2 tickets and since it was mondy they have $2 candy and it was sour patch kids so i got that for her and i only ate 4 of the yellow ones my head was pounding and i was gettign dizzy so yeah and we were the only ones int he theater it was in theater 9 out of 12 so that means its not gonna b out in my stupid ass town long such a fucked up thing but mayb i can get it on bootleg till its out on dvd the boy knows a guy so hmmm mayb he can get it for me

ok so now on to the movie i absolutly loved it it was great amazing ugh just so so so good and if u havent seen it u have to c it i order u too so ha dani says to go c it so go c it

idk y ppl were bashing it i read a few reviews and they wwere like bashing the acting and i dont agree with them at all on it all the actors did a great job they really got into character adn they palyed them good rob was great in teh movie i think ppl just bash him cause of the twiligh movies(which i think he is great in) but he really did act good in the movie and reese was amzing as well

they def stuck to the book and i was happy about that of course they cut out a few things but hey they alwasy do that and they did change a few things but not alot i so a sthi ton of scenes pulled straight from the book and i love when they do that i love when they keep scenes exactly the same and it comes to life ont he screen i hate ho some books they cahnge things and its just not the same like dear john they totally fucked that up how do u fucking change the ending like really u cant do that

but rest assured guys they didnt change the ending in water for elephants and im happy about that my sis also loved it as well she was like bouncing in her seat on certain parts and im like u have to read the book it goes into more detail

so yes i know i suck at reviews but i really did love the book they did a great job brining it to life from paper to screen im reallly critcal when if comes to books being made into movies casue i feel like they have everything right therein there hand they can reference nething cause they have the book and the author to turn too and when they fuck them up it just doesnt make sense like how can u change things how can u change teh authors vision of it but they didnt do that here

so go out and c it i mean it go c it and let me know what u guys think but i adored it
and i know some ppl wont like it cause everyones taste is different but at least give it a try and read the book too cause the book is one of those where u just cant put down u have to keep reading and reading to find out what happens next to find out the end and the end ties it all together i usually hate enedings of books but i liked this ending

so i made 2 computer backgrounds ima work on more tonite so i will post them later as well

5/9/11

so am i a bad person for thinking this my mom toldme this morning that my sis wants to t the special k diet and i immediatily though i cant let her b smaller then me im like 103 now shes prob around 115-120ish and hes an inch shorter then me

i need to lose more weight i cant let her lose more then me i kow i shoudlnt b thinking like that but its the first thing that stuck in my head and she got the good special k too the chocolate delight one thats my fav but due to my dairy allergy i cant have it nemore

ive been ahving problem with my kidneys as well for the past 3 days they have just hurt so bad i cant lay down casue of the pain i cant lean against nething even the lsighest pressure jsut kills me idk y though idk y they are hurting

i have off of work today i did manage to make it to the gym this mornng i did 65 mins on elly and burnt 438 cals it was hard to push myself thru it cause it was hard to breathe an dmy chest hurt an dmy legs weree just fighting me the hole way but i went slower so i didnt burn as much as i wanted but hey at least i still burnt something

ive had a headache for days i take 3 aleve it goes away for awhile and then it just comes back and my chest pains are back o just lovely

but me and my sis might go c water for elephants today so if we do u know i will blog about it later casue i cant wait to c that movie

i went to the grocery store yesterday got 6 apples, bunch of small bananas, 6 cans diet ginger ale, tostitos and salsa(i was in the mood for something crunchy) and theni was bad and walk by the prepackaged food section well it was hot food but the store prepackages more and sets it aside for u to buy so stupid me got some fries and jalapona poppers shoudlnt of got the poppers since they have dairy in them and now im once again nasouses again

i should know better then to eat dairy sicne i cant have it it makes me nasouses if i eat to much i puke or sometimes i get diaharra but i ate it nemore it did make me go tot he bathroom which i havent been in a few dasy gotta love IBS u can go days runnign to the bathroom 3-4 times a day living off of peptop jsut to make it thru the day and then bam ur on the other end of the spectrum and u just cant go for days and ur so uncomfortalbe and gross and fat and just ew

im planning on sometime this week cleaning out my closet and donating the clothes i dont wear nemore i do that at least once a year it makes me feel good and better about myself and knowing that im helping some1 else i love it iput it in the bins that they have at the grocery store

and ive also realzed that i crash on sundays now it seems i can go all week with barely ne sleep cause thats just how my insomnia works but by the time sunday comes and im exhausted from my week of working so much and runnign around and exercising and reistrciting or binging im just fucking dead i amke it thru my 7and hlaf hour work shit on sundays come home eat something and then just crash i dont sleep thru the nite i still wake up many times but i get more sleep then i do all week and then the cycle starts again ugh gotta love it

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aly-yeah i wanna yell so many times i want ppl to just understand but i know theywill never fully understand cause u cant understand until u have it urself and i woudlnt wish this on my worst enemy

mich-yes i would do nething too to have that innocnece back

starving for perfection-only 2 ppl in my life know bout my ed i cant have more ppl knwing the one person just leaves me b the other in the boy and it kills me to c me like this

unbeautiful-yes it was very scary and the boy was with me too an di had to tell me and it scared him too he told me to not take it again im glad ur allergies are a lil better

americaneaglelove- u can rant all u want hun trust me on that and they are already suspicious as it is so yelling would of made it even worse

bones-yes we cant help what we have its a mental disorder that we just have ti live with with no cure or nuttin its just who we are

Sunday, May 8, 2011

ignorant people

ok i just need to post something that happened at work yesterday im just so tired of ignorant paople and their way of thinking and joking and commenting on eating disorders like they know what they are talking about when really they have no clue cause they dont know how it is to live with one the torture and hell it is to have the voices in ur head fuckers

but neway it was after closing and me and 2 other girls were just standing around talking while we were waiting for the managers to finish for we could go home

well yeah the one girl goes "im not anorexic or nething i love food but i have like these anorexic phases were im just not hungry so i dont eat but then i get hungry and eat"

and im standing there trying to not like blow up on them cause being anorexic isnt about eating or not eating and its not like we arent hungry in all intent and purposses wer are hungry we fight that hungry daily we fight everything daily

i wish i could just yell and just set thema ll straight cuase its driving me nuts mayb they would stop with allt he omg ur skinny omg ur clothes never fight i would kill to b ur size if they only knew that i really am dying for being this skinny that my health is dropping quickly they might joke that im alwasy sick but if they only knew the truth ugh

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acka11-thanx hun it is rough and i cant help it but i eat event hough im nasouses i should take it to my advantage though adn just not eat and lose weight and then when i go to docs next month they will c im not ok

starvingforperfection-yeah i will follow ur blog hun

unbeaitulf-did u get over ur allergies orno are u still dealing with them? ive treid lactaid b4 it made me throw up blood scared the boy so i dont take it nemore

scaredblogger-ive alwasy called hium the boy i dont even think about it nemore. im alwasy here if u need me hun

kodiak- heknows aobut my ed hun trust me he knows hes seen me at my 2 lowest and has almost hospitalized me a few times so yes he knows i just dont think he understand the docs diagnosis of IBS

thin_thighs-thanx hun

mich-yeah they are meant to b messy but i cant find nething so its now do for a good cleaning when it gets like that its time i just dont know what to do nemore my stomach is gettign wrose its hard

littlejo-thanx hun ur doing well too

diet coke please- the funny thing is i do wanna go to my lowest even if it did wreck my body

sarah- i will never b 100 percent ijust gotta deal with that

Saturday, May 7, 2011

outfit

outfit




the boy liked it said i looked reall ynice i try to look nice when i c him cause i dont get to c him much

but we got in a kinda arguement not really b ut my stomach issues is driving me crazy hes like itsnot right that everything makes u sick that ur in so much main and that u cant eat it means soemthing is srsly wrong im like theres nuttin they can do for it thers no cure for itjust meds to help but tis alwasy gonna b there but he thinks its more serious thenw hat the doc says it is

hes like u dont c urself try to eatur make werid faces its painful its like theres sometihng wrong with the food well if thats how i atei guess that explains y some1 came up to b 3 times last nite asking if i was aight if the food was aight the first was the manager after she took my side salad away i only at a few bites of it manly cause me adn lettuce dont get alone but she came up and asked if everything was aight if there was sometihng wrong with it i said no and then waitress came up 2 times wheni was trying toeat my plain grilled chicken and fries

like iu nderstand they are doing their job but y do they have to bug me yeshi have aneating disorder yes i have stomach issues but is it really their place to comment on it not everyone eats everything that is on their plate

but if wha the boy said is true i guess they were thinking that osemthing was wrong withmy food

i cant eat nemore not cause of my eating disorder well tahts alwasy there but i cant eat cause i just phycailly cant i feel so sick and in such much painits horrid
i ate a few ofmy leftover fries this morning cold of course cuse i hate walking downstairs with food and every bite ijust wanted to throw it back up an dnot on purpose its like my body wanted it out too

what is wrong with me do ihave osmethingmore serious then IBS did i fuck up my body so much that i just cant eat nemore like wtf if im still sick hes not gonna wanna spend time with me we arent gonna b able to go onvacation he said that we shoudlnt go out ot eat nemore since theres nuttini can eat which cuts our tiem together in half cause he would prob go out with hes friends and then come over whenever i miss him enough as it is

Friday, May 6, 2011

5/6/11

103 lbs 103 lbs i know im not suppose to b weighing but i did and im donw to 103 lbs now i just have to keep it there and go lower and not fuck it up like i normally do

lets c what idid at my lowest weights

when i was around 80lbs i tihnk it was high 80's dont remember but i was eating one meal a deay witha bowl of ice cream running at least 8 miles a day. jump roping, tumbling, adn crucnhes and i was also dependent on alcohol

when i waas 94 lbs or 93 idk some where around there i was eating no more then 500 cals a day i was exericsing as much as my tired body coudl handle and i also completely stopped eating and nearly landed my self in the hospital

i have had many close hospital calls lately the boy says hes gonna take me all the time but then he realizes that they cant do nething fo rme neway and that he doesnt wanna c me in a hospital bed

when i was in the 80's it was great iloved it then i recoverd semi after that and kept my weight around 110ish for a good 4 years then i relpased bad cue the 93 lbs and almost dying and alomst hopsitalization ive been bouncing between 93 lbs and 110 lbs for nearly 3 years now i wont let myself get back to my high weight off 115 lbs it just wont happen

i wanna b 95 lbs again so bad

i cant resort back to my lowest weight plan cause i cant run nemore fucked up right knee and right ankle and i cant have ice cream cuase i am now lactose intolerant

i cant do the 93 lbs plan cause they boy would literally kill me if i stopped eating again he wouldnt hestitate at dragging me to the hosital

so ig uess i need a new plan but i can use my health to my advantage since i am now lactose intolerant i cant have ne caffeien cause ofmy heart and high blood pressure and i also have IBS which serverly reistrtics what i can eat

i wind up in pain everytime i eat but somtimes its worse i know what makes my IBS act up i know what makes me sick but somtimes i still eat it cuase i promised the oby i would try and i feel guilty cause alli wanna do is just not eat so i eat more to counteract it i know stupid decision but im done with that

i havent eaten yet today im still extremly naouses from my pill issue last nite but im feeling ok slept liek 3 hours no more headache or shakiness just nasouses and my legs hurt like hell from dehyradtion im drinking some ginger ale right now to settle my stomach also had cup of peppermint tea, a capri sun, lil water, and lipton cup of soup packet(nope i dont consider that food)

i never acutally finished cleaning my cloest i just trew everything back in there and let it be me and my sis might go out soon to get ma something for mothers day
i will post a pic of my outfit that i will wear tonite either tonite or tomm
love u all

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americaneaglelove-thanx hun im ok i knew i would react badly but i took them neway i swear i love paini dont get it im kinda failing the hole not weighiing thing but at least im not doing it everyday right now

thin_thighs-im ok hun nuttin is gonnahappen to me trust me

bones-thanx hun im ok hope ur feeling well too yeah not weighing is so hard

darkfairy6-im feeling better still nasoues though

aly-sorry that they took ur scale away hun thats not fun howlong have u been in recovery?

danea-imfailing the not weighing thing ha i try but its hard ive beent old to get anew doc for awhle nowi just havent done it

mich-scales just drive me completely crazy iplan out my days adn thing alwasy come out and set me off course it drives me crazy i avoid the doc at all possivle cost i hate it so much

dietcokeplease-wow 6 days thats graet proud of u

unbeaitufl- 2 weeks in impressive

scaredblogger-love u too how u doing hun?

sarah-im glad u understand what i mean bout babysitting since there were lill it really is a great accomplishment

Thursday, May 5, 2011

5/5/11

"Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure" - Linkin Park

i am such an idiot y do i do this to myself y take pills that i know will react badly with my cholestrol meds and make me feel like shit i took 1 stacker 3 and 2 diuretics over an hour ago i knew they dont reaact well with the other meds im on but i do it neway now im shaking like a leaf im so cold i cant get warm im dizzy i cant concentrate i think ima puke i get up all the time to go to the bathroom thinking its gonna come up it doesnt ive been trying to get caught up on ur blogs for over an hour i had to keep layiing down cause i got to dizzy i really am an idiot like y do i do this to myself

ive also started to clean my clest i currently have half my clothes on my bed waiting to get hung but i cant do it cause everytime i stand up i feel like ima just fall over my hands are shaking so bad i can barely type this srsly no more pills i gotta stop that no more pills no more if i keep telling myself that then mayb i will acutally stop

i ate way to much today and nuttin healthy at all i had the kids today all 3 of them and all i ate all day with them was junk they kept sharing their food food that i nrormally dont eat or havent eaten in a long time but i would do nehting for them but i feel like such a fat ass

i didnt weight today since im not supoose to b weighing for a month i might just hide my scale in my closet for im not tempted to step on it every moring

i weight yesterday though 106.8
ok i gotta lay down again

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

5/3/11

so ive decided to to sometihng kinda crazy and insane and idk ifi can do it but ima try
so ive decided that im not gonna weigh myself at all this month i weighed myself this month and im not gonna weight myself again til im at the doc office in june then i will know my weight i have to go to 2 docs in june my normal one to c how my cholestrol meds are working and to hopefully get meds for my ibs and then the gyno fo rmyyearly check up and hopefully get new pills casue ive been onthe same one for years and now imjust in so much pain when ihave it and its so much heavier i need a new pill

so im 5'5 my weight this moring was 107.6 which brings my BMI to 17.9
ew im above anorexic bmi that has to change so i guess in amonth i will c where my weight is

Monday, May 2, 2011

5/2/11

so i had this hole lists of things that i have to do and i was hoping that i woiuld get most but hopeuflly all done today since it was my day off yeah that didnt go as pallned i try to plan out my days off for my head doesnt go crazy palnning keeps my calm but it never seems to work out that way

but todays plans changed and i really didnt mind my mom called me while i was at shoprtie asking if i was gonna b home soon cause my cousin called and asked us to watch P after she got out of preschool and i never turn that offer down it was just here not her 2 brothers as well it was like the good old days i remember when it was just here ive been watching her since a few months after she was born it so funt o watch them grow up and to know that u had a hand in molding them into the person they are now.

she totally tired me out today like im exhasted and beat and i have no idea how many times i ran around the yard it was nuts. we went on a walk, drew with sidwalk chalked, played tag adn hide and seek did gymnastics climbed up the lady and down the slide more times then i can count like i was constanly running around for pretty much the hole 6 and half hours that i had her too we did take a 30 min break to watch spongebob i hate that show but fuck if it gets her to sit down for a lil then im all for it cuase i was beat and i ate way more then i wanted too just to have enough energy to run after her

just one game she wanted to play was this. ok c we have my old car my subby in the yard it doesnt work nemore me my bro and sid beat that thing to hell it doesnt turn on at all so we ahve that and then my bro parked hes car right in front of it so there was this lil space between the fron of subby and back of bros car were u could jumg between them like over teh bumbers so this is what munchin would do we would start out by the slide run to the cars jump over the bumpers or climb in her place then run around the sheds go up the old play house ladder then down the slide adn repeat and then repeat repeat repeat i was getting so dizzy doing that i dont know how many times we did that but yeah it was ok ih ad tons of fun with her i have all 3 of them on tursday that will b extra tiring but so worth it

so this is the list of things i wanted to try and accomplish today:
*clean out food bin
*gym
*tan
*shoprite
*shower
*laundry-jeans, hamper and sheets
*watch black swan
*pain nails
*crunches and stretching
*relax and read
*fix my microsoft word
*look for jobs
*apply for jobs

this is what i got done today:
*gym-65 mins elly level 5- 442 cals burnt
*tan- 8 minutes stand up
*shoprite- 4 mangos, unsweetend alond milk, 3 boxes lipton cup of soup chicken noodle flavor, peppermint tea, 2 boxes speical k(orignal and honey and oats), mini canned no salt added veggies(2 peas and corns)
*shower
*laundry- jeans and hamper butof course its not folded yet

tomm i plan to work well i dont plan tooi h ave too i dont have a choice form 10-5 then def fold my laundry and watch new OTH idk when i will get to the rest of my list but i will get i done eveutnally

im scarede to admit all i ate today cause u guys will think im a fat pig but here it goes
*protein shake- banana, cup almond milk, 3 scoops soy protein powder
*5 handful jelly beans
*2 bites turkey sandwhich with cheese on white bread- munchin shared killed my stomach
*2 sips cookies and cream milkshare- she shared again also hurt tummy
*5 bites choc chip cookie- once again shared and my tummy didnt like it
*half and airhead and 2 shared mini gummie hamburgers- munchin shared again
*ice cream-shared with her really killed my stomach wanted to puke
*handful mini m&ms-shared with munch my tumy really hated me today
*chips shared once again
*2 pieces garlic texas toast-my own stupid decision
*fries with bbq sauce- i know i suck


i think thats all i ate today im trying to remmber ugh i really do suck im never gonna get skinny enough and nmy docwill never give me meds for my ibs and iwill never get help fuck me

o and im sick again my voice is finally all the way back but now i have a head cold and a earache and my chest hurts from time to time i coudlnt get mty heart to calm down today got my body is a wreck

o and one more thing my corworkers are dirivng me nuts always on my case about my eating asking what i can eat since i have alot of issues with that or commetning on my eating ro saying how lil i am im not lil im not ksinny or tiny they are just fucked up one girl acutally said to another girl u know she doesnt acutally eat just just picks are her food and moves it around she doesnt eat

like ugh enough is wnough already and they they were talking about how i dont look 25 and they arel ike just look at her like really look she looks like hes 15 im guess that was about my weight ugh im tired of it all
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dark6_fairy, danea andbones- thank u guys o much for the comment on my outfit it means alot

bones-thanx i love the wall as well its the first thing i c when i walk into my room ppl are always gettin gon my case it drives me nuts i guestion everythng though so its hard

aly- ilove the twilight saga and ive always loved kstew as an actress as well since teh beginning

sarah- i try to get better but i end up just getting sick again neway

anonymous-i kinow the weather really does help my mood as well i have to buy summmer clohtes that i acutally feel comfortabel in

just jessica-the world is always on my case and alwasy getting me down nuttin new there

unbeautiful-i cant ask for help trust me i have tired int he past and failed miserablly cause i cant ge teh help i need insurance doesnt cover it or they wont help unless ive been hospitalized so whatsthe point

little jo- my doc is alwasy an ass

despree-nope no wehre to go for help so i will just deal live in my own torutred hell of a world that my head controls and drives me fucking crazy o well

violet- i think ive just given up on caring nemore i will just have to hit rock bottom again even though it nearly killed me last time but i guess ihave to do t again

kitkat-thanx hun for always being there fo rme

danea-i know i gotta start thinking about me and focusing on me not everyone else

mich- i do the same thng i will want help i will want it s bad but when its time for a check up i will water load and lie my way thru it when im sick i dont go god me adn u arej ust fucked up majorily when it comes to docs u kjnow that right ha i just laugh at it sometimes

Sunday, May 1, 2011

outfit

just a quick post to show u my outfit that i wore too work yesterday and with the boy after then i have to work today again so no big post but i have off tomm so i will update u guys on the the days that u missed