Monday, February 28, 2011


so i decided to weigh myself t his moring just to c were i was sinc ei had an ok day food wise yesterday im trying to not weigh tmyself everyday nemore im currently failing at that though im trying to get it done to like once a week trying to not let the scale run my life now its just not going well yeah so neway the scale said 105 lbs ugh im really starting to hate that number

so right now i got in front o fmy 2 liters of water, cup of hot caffeiene free green tea, and some of the vb fusion tea promgrante juice(its cautally not bad) now ima try and drink all of that b4 the nite is over try i kno wi prob wont finish all the water but im dirnk as much as i can

so food log lets get this outo f the way now

*3 choc chip cookies
*50 cal cup of chicken noodle soup
*grilled chicken salald with dried cranbnerries and small oragne slices with lil italina dressing
*2 cups hot caffeine free green tea
*liter of water

i had to work today 12-6 so i was on my feet for 5 and half hours straight i only can sit when im on my break and i got a 30 min break as per usual for my lunch
i nearly feel at work today too as u all know im not feeling well so yeah but i almost fell a couple times really so a few times was ont he ladder they had me pulling sutff out of up stock and i got alil dizzy but didnt fall its its not like a normal ladder is has sides to it so i can just grab on to it and another time i was just walking around the fitting room and my legs juts completley gave out and i stumbled and grabbed onto something real qucik now no iw asnt gonna pass out i wasnt gonna balck out i was just weak and my legs coudlnt hold me nemore

evyerhing at work is surprised im still stanidng and im not in the hosptal yet cause im so weak and so sick buti m suttbonr an di just keep going ud b surprised what u can push ur body to do when ur really determined

i should have my insurance this week so i will prob go to the doc next week i want the scale to b alil lower mayb the doc will realize i have a problem finally
and i wanna get soemthing for my depression and my anxiety but i dont know how do i just ask him or what like what would u guys do?

i cant work out yet i tried to do some cruncehs yesterday and they just hurt my chest so much ugh i cant wait til i can get a sweaty workout in i really need it

yesterday i was home alone all day i was suppsoe to go with my mom to my aunts house but i woke up feeling even worse adn the day b4 my heart palpations were so bad they kept me up and i was starting to get a fever so i stayed home in bed i watched all the preshows for teh oscars on E and then u wanna know what happened my ass feel asleep and missed the hole show i watched all the pre shows adn the red carpets and then miss the show ugh mother fucker hate myself for that but i guess i needed tthe sleep ugh but fuckers still

i have off of work tomm so i might try and cleanmy room and im debating if i wanna go to the grocery store to get more grapes and cup of soups

well love u all gonna read alil then watch pretty little liars


ash-my doc is an assfuck and i hate him but hes teh nicest one i had so far yeah i know thats saying soemthing and he gives me alil price break on stuff how did u get ur dperssion meds form ur normal doc did u just ask

happiness- it would b kinda cool to c hwo crazy i really am with mythoughts u know what imean and im so not tiny

mich- i dont hve much luck with docs i always get teh assholes

Saturday, February 26, 2011


so i mieant to update the other day but not much as happanaed and im sure u guys didnt wanna keep reaind my dperessed ramblings about how im a fat failure and i cant do nething right so ijust didntupdate fo ra few days i kept up with all ur blogs though and commented so im not behind or nething

but have soem things to say now
well yesterday at work it was really slow and teh nice manager was there the one who really doesnt give a fuck as long as the works get done she doesnt care if u stand around and talk or try on clothes shes not like bosey or mean like that other ones
so she was trying on clothes with this other girl and they sucked me in as well so yeah i pciked out 2 dressed to try on cause i know that i cant fit into the jeans at old navy they just make them to big and the shirts i know are an xs so i picked out dressses one was one that i really wanted and one was my second choice

the one i really wanted was cute i liked it but it was just so damn clingy like it clung to my ass like no tomm so i didnt get thatone but i loved the 2nd dress its like a plaid but with browns and corals and its a v neck int he front in back so i really gotta lose some weight its a great dress for some great spine showage

yeah but neway they didnt have an xs in that so i got a small it was only a lil big in the boob area but might just wear a cami or tank top under u know for im not like hanging out but i came out to show the girls cause they wanted to c and the one was like omg dani ur so small ur like nuttin look at u ur legs are so tiny ur skin and bone and she was like so shocked and im thinking in my head wtf is she seeing cause im not skinny at all the other gilr loved the dress so ended up getting that dress and 3 shirts that were on sale i only buy things that are onsale there and then plus my discount so its not that bad

work has been boring thrusday the other cashier was talking and shit shes the one girl that no1 likes she lies about everyhing and i mean everything well shes an exotic dancer not a full out stripper casue they keep like bathing suits on but neway shes still a dancer and app she fell off her pole on monday lol i almost died when she said that i know its not funny o fuck no its fuckin ghilerious but shelike goes in depth to her tricks and im trying so hard not tolaugh i dont wanna b mean but shes not the prettiest girl in the work and when u think of like strippers u think of shape in fit skinny girls u know they dont have to b too skinny but at least ins hape and shes not at all she has a nice size somatch on her and then she treid to get me to do it with her hes like its not bad or hard or scary and u make good moeny im like yeah no i cant do that sheslike u still wear a bathing suit im like i hate bathing suits im not doing it

i told the boy what she said and he was like u dont do that u have me im like no shit i was gonna do it and u know mei cant do that an dim like she has a husbsnd and 2 kids and hes like wow i guess he doesnt care if she strips lik ei understand some ppl have no choice what so ever but to do that caus ethey need the money an di dont c nething wrong with it but for me its like a last resort thing like a total last resrot thing id have to hit rock bottom first in order to do that

if i get approved i should have myinsurance by march 1st but it scares me so much to go to the doc i dont want them to weight me im trying tomanitain my weight and not weigh all the time but i know once i c that number i will downward sprial neway so imthink of just stkipping the spiral and starting to restrict again try to lose a lil b4 my doc appt soemtim ein the next next 2 weeks and my doc never believes a word i tell him all he does is yell atl me he has no diea about my ed and i dont tell him he doesnt comment onmy weight or my scars or nething all he cares about is my choelstrol and he yells at me saying i dont follow the diet he put me on and all i wanna do is yell at him and say i hate food food scares me y the fuck do u think im not following the diet i dont eat half the food ont here neway so just stop yelling at me

i hope he doesnt yell at me again cause i really need himt o listen to me about my lungs and myu chest and heart pains theya rent good signs and i wanna get my stomach checked and c what excalty is wrong with me u kno wmy gluten and dairy in tolerance like i wanna c ifim acutally allergic to those things but if he doesntlisent he wont care that my chest hruts or about my heart he will just blow it off and go back to my cholestrol ugh i fucking hate him somuch but ive been going to him for years and he gives me alil break on the prices

so i was telling the boy about what the coworker said about how im so small and hes like ppl just need to stop there are girls out there way skinnier then u dopnt listen to them ur not to skinny which got me thinking and it makes me want to lose even more weight for i can b considered to skinny in hes eyes

we went to tgifridays last nite and it turned out my parents were there as well with there friends so of course they came over and ahd to b annpying but i ate
*2 and half potato skins
*my meal was peacn crusted chicken salad no cheese dressing on side ate aobut 1/4 of that
*had some of te boys fries
*half brownie obsession dessert no caramel

my stoamch hurt so so so bad after that i was in so much pain an di wanted to purge so bad i acutally got up to go to teh bathroom but there were to many ppl in there so i just peed and when we got home i layed down and slept alil im taking the acia cleanse pills and they kicke din for the first time last nite so i guess that helped a lil as well

i have off today and tomm and my sis is home for the wkd idk if we are doing nething today the oby wants me to relax sinceim still not feeling good he said i can go tot he gym after i get to the docs and gets ome meds and i start feeling better
so tomm im thinking ima just spend time in bed watching the oscars the preshoer the shower after show all of it i love the fashion of it

hes already talking about waht to do on vacatin this year i cant wait to spen dtime with him idk what we are gonna do it all depends on waht we decide and when hes vacations are

i fianlly go tmy bday card from my nano and my aunt and i got $40 score boy is like just act like u dont have it go get urself soemthing i relaly want titanic on dvd or bluray love that move so he told me to go out and get it for msyelf so i prob will

oo here is the outfit that i wore last nite with the boyi tired to look cute and i was freezing cause for some reason NJ was all windy and really cold yesterday ugh stupid northeast weather

ash-omg i could too trust me an di have a kindle as well and i still buy nomral books and then i download other books i have like a system i buy series in print and then download other books unless i really want them in print idk my thinkn is werid

a- how far in PA i live right on the border of PA and NJ like hour and half outside of phillly and 2 horus outside of nyc

ayden-thanx hun idk what my natural color is nemore ma thinks is some shade of light brown

mich-thanx hun

needlesedge- ha so u love everything

manadagin-yeah aths teh big thing to figure out my stoamch issues adn thenmy chest paini know chest pain isnt good and iknwo my heart is damaaged rom teh ed ijust dk how damaged

notso cholorine-aw thanx hun

Tuesday, February 22, 2011


ok i got lots and lots of pics for u guyg first set is of my new hair the girl coudlnt do it exaclty like the picture but i like how she did it an dihope u guys like it at all so here are 3 different angles o fmy new hair color and cut

it took like 2 hours to do and i love it i might acutally keep it this way for awhile and u know me i never acutally keep my hair the same for long but im rly like this alot i hop ehte oby likes it as well cause id idnt tell him exaclty how i was gonna do it he just knewi was going to get it done

i made my tomato salasa soup today so gonna have some of that later i even took some up to my aunt and nano i dont go visit them much cause they fucking drive me nuts but i went out for an hour today after my hair appt to visist and to get my bday card that i never got back in january

i went shoppping wiht my mom today as well she wanted to go to kohls and walmart and then she took me to shoperite for i could get a few things

at kohls i found this cute wallet on sale for only 7 bucks c look at it isnt it cute

and then at walmart they had all these lil valentince things on sale so i got a box of mini air heads that came with mini valentines for only 75 cents and then i found teh cutest lil stuffed dog for 75 cents as well its the cutest lil adorable thing ever

by the time we got to shoprite mom noticed i was really dizzy and nasouses i didnt eat this moring so she made me get a bagel there i got the one that i thought would hurt the least which was a veggie bagel it acutally tasted pretty good and yes it hurt but not as mcuh as a wheat bagel would of. while we wre there i got all the ingredients that i needed for my tomato salso soup and afew other things like

*3 mangos
*bag of green apples
*rice cakes salt free
*chex mix choc cereal

all u guys are gonna b happy though my mom talked to my dad about getting me back on the insurance since america has this new rule now were u can b on ur parents until ur 26 so mom gave dad all my info and told him to talk to the gym in charge at work today to get me back on and shocker there my dad acutally listened and they are faxinga ll the stuff over to my insurance place today and theni can go to the docs and get checked my uncle said i need antibotics for my lungs and i need to find out whats going on with all my sotmach issues and then my heart as well cause its been going nuts recently

i also ordered some things from amazon today the new kim harrison book "pale demons" came out today and it was cheaper for me to get it off there instead of driving to the book store to get it so i ordered that and i was gonna get some ed movies as well but amzong didnt have alot and theones the did were lik $100 for some god fucking reason but i did manage to get one ed movie "dying to be thin" also got 2 other books as well another book by kim harrison love her shes my fav auther ever and then the ed book called "biting anorexia" i should have it in 2 days cause it u got the free trial of amazon prime then u get free 2 day shipping no matter waht if u spend $25 or more u get free 5 day shipping buti wanted my stuff sooner so i did the free trial c how it goes

im not to happy with how i ate today i was 106 lbs this moring ew ugh hate that number
but today i had
*veggie bagel
*2 mini chocs
*1 mini donut hole
*1 mini airhead
*few spoons of cookies and cream ice cream

ima try adn do crucnhes now and finally fold my laundry i cant wait til im healthy enough to get to the gym today
well love all u guys somuch


ash-thanx hunny i know its all a mess and its all hard for us ugh

a-thanx hun im trying to get better

Monday, February 21, 2011


i knowu guys all wanna hear about mt wkd but in all honesty my head is moving amile a minute and i cant form a good coherent thought its all my fault i shoulnt of ate osmuch today i shoudlnt of stopped after work and got a medium chicken pot pie soup and a large tea and followed itu p with cookies and crackers yeah my stoamch is huge and it hurts so so so bad
ugh im fat and gross adn huge and disgusitng and pathetic and a failure and not good enough and not skinny enough and just everything my head is just replaying gross gross gross over and over and over agan yes i get it head img orss and a failure and im not good enough and im never gonna b perfect or fragile or broken i gotta make my head happy i gotta get it to stop yelling at me im tired of my boyd fighitng me im tired of being way to fat and ugh i hate the weight it was 105.6 this morning whihc is normal for me which is way gross ugh gross

so yeah im still sick and i guess everyone is starting to notice now cause i guess i look sick my uncle cameup to my mom at the baby shower yesterday and said they better get me back on there insurance(new law can b on til ur 26 now) and they better get me to the doctors cuase i dont look good and teh boy even said that i look really sick and not healthy
mylungs still hurt my chest does my heart as these werid palaptions im weak adn tired and shaky and dizzy i feel like ima fall overaall the time working is so hard when im this sick but i cant take time off cause i need the money everyone is still convinced i have walking pheumonia

hair appt is tomm so as soon as i get home i will take pics and show u guys

ash-as much as i would love to take a break thats impossilble im glad that i could help and ih ave no idea y ppl would acutally want this they obv dont knowhow hard it is

mich- i got it at kohls thats were i get most ofmy clhtes i hate panic attacks they just ruin everything

scared blogger-of course u can eamil me hun

managdin-no insurance it would cost tomuch

acka11- will try and take a day off no guarantees though

needlesedge-thanx hun

a- thanx hunny u stay strong as well

bree- im glad that u can b happy

Sunday, February 20, 2011

quick post

just a rly quick post i have to finish getting ready for my cousins baby shower cause we are leaving really soon
but i wanted to show u guys the shirt that i am wearing i think its really cute it would look even cuter if i wasnt so fat but im wearing the shirt over jeans with my grey boots and they a black open front sweater casue im so cold and my arms are huge
so here is the shirt try to ignore my fat ass body

i will do a real update when i get home or tomm and then i will def get caught up on all ur blogs as well ijust dont have the time right now

love all u guys stay strong
im still sick and mthe girls at work yesterday said i diddnt look good at all and that i looked like i was gonna drop and they want me to take a hole week off but i cant afford that at all

Friday, February 18, 2011


so here it is the outfit for tonite ignore the fatness that is me ugh

i didnt lose the lbs that i wanted to this week so im sitting in between the range of 106-107 i know its so fuckng gross an dfat an di had a panic attack today i havent had one of those in awhile but yeah it hit me today i was doing my hair and all of a sudden i hated what i say in the mirror like literally hated it i was clawing at my stomach i threw my comb and my tv tunner across the room hit the wall i wanted to throw my phone too but i kneow enough to not do that i wanted to punch the mirror so ba di watned the image to just go away im so gross and ugly idk y neone would like me or y the boy is wit me cause im so hideious i wanted to cry so bad adn i coudlnjt breathe well mylungs are bad as it is but i coudlnt breathe even less and my chest hurt even more nuttin i did would stop it i tired crunches i tried taking 2 more diuretcis on top of the 3 i already took today i tried drinking water nuttin made it stop the voices were just yelling and screaming at me i gave in a cut and it slowed my thoughts a lil but not compltely and im still panicking alil cause i know that i look gross in my outfit and all i wanted was to look great for the boy and yeah that obv didnt happen i gotta lose all this weight i gotta get to double digits again i gotta stop tryingt o fight it and stop trying to get better cause it obv doesnt work for me theres no in between for me its either restircitng/ starving or binging and hating myself nad im tired of hating myself i wanna feel empty and weeka nd fragile and broken and thats the onlything that calmed my head a li was to knowthat i made up mymind im done fighting agaist my eating disorder im done ima give in and jsut let it take over cause thats the onlything that works for me yes i knwo im being stupid and i know tletting it take over isnt the best tihng but its the only thing tha i have right now its the only thing that calms that thoughts and ovices in my head i knwo i need help but i cant get it not yet at least cause no 1 belives i have a problem so i will show them i know that i dont want to b like this forever but right now its all i got


so i went shoppping iwht my mom today she finally cuaght on to my lung issue and was like u sure u wanna go and all like u should acall ur uncle go to the doc i kept telling her i was fine even though i kept coughing and weezing and all that shit

but the good thing wiht going shopping wiht my mom she buys me some stuff sometimes i think she feels bad cause i had to pay for my own school and ive been buying my own clohtes and food for so long now and they didnt make my bro or sis do that so hmm

well first stop was we went to kohls and she had a 30 percent off coupon so she said she would get me a shirt which i did i got thing cute lil peachy colored shirt with a lil ruffle ima wear it to my cousins baby shower on sunday and then we were looking at the purses cause she wanted a new one and i found this huge cute vera wang bag on sale origanlly $90 on clearnace for $26 so she got it for me and here it is isnt it adorable its huge an di love it

we then went to target she needed a few lil things i gues idk but she got me plastic spoons to go with my lil spastic bowls that i use to eat my cereal out of yes werid i know but we all have our oen lile weird things that we do so whatever and then he bought me 2 boxes of nature valley bars and this bag of already cooked grilled diced of chicken low cal too only like 110 cals per serving so thats good

we had one more stop to make and it was atthe acutal gorcery store i pushed teh cart so i could lean on it at that point i was really tired an dmy lungs were killing me but she got what she wanted and then she got me cantalope, 2 boxes of the cup of soup chicken noodle 50 cals packettes, bag of popcorn,some choc and ice cream(ugh thanx mom for the food that will make me sick) and also 4 bags of frozen green beans,1 bag frozen carrots, and 2 bags of frozen mixed veggies.

i havent been eating many veggiesl ately ive been eating alot of fruit but ima get back tot he veggies cause they are alil cheaper then the fruit and really filling as well.

i dont feel good right now to much dairy andi wanna thrpw up but i dont wanna go downt hat road again cauae once i start down it then i willl keep going down it so i def dont need that

and i cant worko ut cause of how bad my lungs hurt
so ima do seom laundry and clean p my roomt ry to do some crucnhes
drink lots of water adn tea

i will def post th epic of my outfit later when i finally get showered and dressed love u guys

oo and my work is doing the li biggest loser weight lossc ompetion thing and they didnt even tell me about it and its to late to join now cause it already started they didnt tell meugh i so would of done it but i guess theythink im skinny enoguh who the fuck knows


hanrietta- it really is

ash- i love kids so its easy for me i blow up oatmeal and soup

acka11- yeah ur lucky about ur healthcare

mich-yes htye felt much better i even took them outside fora lil yesterday since it was ncie we went for walk

anoyomous-i have a few to many chill out days though but thanx hun

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


i dont really have to much to say today. im done to 105.8 as of this morning ugh i cant beleive i let myself get back above 105 god im such a failure and a fat ass

i didnt have to work today but i did have to babysit i was palnning on spending all day in bednot moving and barelye ating but then i had to babysit so that plan got shot to hell but i love my lil munchins so i didnt mind the change of plans

im sitlll not feleing great but i realized that as long as im not on my feet tomuchim ok yes still in pain but not as much as when im standing and talking alot

i didn thave to run around much after teh kids today cause 2 out of the 3 of them were sick P has strep throat and B had an ear infection lil N was ok hes getting so big and babbling up a storm well not babbling but u know how babies are always making noises

P didnt feel well at all so we curled up on the couch alot today we watched toy story 3 and seh took a 2 hour nap most of the day was spent on the couch with her ive been watcing her sicne seh was born and shes almost 5 now so u can c the bond that we have she just wanted to curl up with me and just chill so thats what we did we watched the movie and aobut 2 hours of spongebob(hate that show but she loves it and once u start watching it no matter how much u hate it u get like addicted to it) she did play a lil we played restratn dont ask we make up our own games but then she started not feeling well at all again so we curled up on the couch again

N is just chill hes just so content with sitting on ur lap and looking around love babies
and B well even though eh wasnt feeling well he still ran around and play but u could tell hes ear was buggin him cuse he kept pulling at it

we have them againt omm i cant wait to c them again i was suppose to work 12-6 so i would only c them for like 2 hours but my one manager called and moved me tot he 3-930 shft so i will spend the afternoon with the 3 lil cutest kidsin the world then go to work and feel like shit cause i will on on my feet the hole time gotta love retail

my eating has been shit lately ugh really hatemyself i wanted toose 2 lbs this week and get back to 104 or lower buts its not working at all ugh

so today iate
*blueberry oatmeal(i used a bigger bowl and it didnt explode in the microwave go me)
*few spoons of cake icing
*100 cals of veggie and noodle soup
*4ish choc chip cookies
*8 chicken nuggets
*cup of ice cream
*promgrante fruit bar

ugh way way wya to much food hate myself

*2 cups of tea(1 green and 1 passion both caffeine free of course)
*alomst 3 liters of water

just playing wiht the kids and a few crunches

god i gotta stop being so fat and gross hate it hate it hate idk were allmyc ontrol went its like poof gone i get stuck in theses werid different cycles and it drives me nuts i would give nething to b normal an dnot having this fuckign disease i qwish food didnt scare me i wish that calorie content wasnt constnatly swimming arond in my head its like all i think about ugh sutpid disease


mich-ha i lovelaw and ordee i so gotta buy yhe box sets for i can do that i have off on friday iw as gonna go for a runsince its suppose to b os nice but prob just og for a slow walk instead and then rest

ash-idk how to sit and do nuttin im restless

anoyonous-thanx hun

scared blogger-u know i mean everything that i say right

acka11- i cant go to the docs im in america hun and i dont have insurance and without insurance it means doc visits are a shit fuck ton ofmoneythat i dont have

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


so my coworkers think i have walking pheumonia just lovely all i heard all day was r u ok r u sure ur ok u should rest more mayb u shoudl go to the hopstial aw u poor thing yes 6 hours straight tahts all i heard do i really look that bad nope i dont think so
i know that i feel bad that im constalny couhging up a lung when i talk to much, that i get dizzy when im on my feet to long, that my chest just constnaly aches and tmye ribs are always hurting and if i wear to many layers or tight clothes it hurts even more i know tha tmy back ribks r fuckign killing me so yes i do know its my lungs and ugh my heart and its weird fluttering

and to top it all off my fat ass is back up to 106 lbs ew gross ugh i cant believe im back ther ei hate mysel fmy stomach sticks out so much ima look so fat and gross int hat dress i just bought

ayden- thank u hunny so much i relaly have to stop having bad days

a-the week is sucking so far but thanx hun

scared blogger- of course ur worth it

desepreee-i dont c were u get eh teeny tiny fromt he stoamch as been ok manly because ihave been avoiding gluten

mandagin-ih ate feeling weak and not bein gable to work out

sarah- she was a bitch trust me on that

Sunday, February 13, 2011


guess i should update u guys on how the wkd went or well how its going since its still sunday here


as u guys know friday is date nite for me and the boy it went good well it went ok i guess idk we went to red robins and normally we dont have a porblem there the waiters are always good and things dont get messed up but i guess we had bad karma or somethiung that day. they forgot to bring out our appetizer and then they brought out my salad and it had cheese on it i always order it with out th echeese cause as u guys know cheese and me dont get along so the oby had to talk tot he manager and tell him tha ti cant have cheesei m allergic so he made me a new salald and gave us the appetizer and hes beer for free. the mananger also had to talk to our waitress and then she was abitch the rest of the nite itsnot our fault u got in trouble if she did her job right then she woudlnt get in trouble allergies are a big thing and ppl can get really sick or even die from it and then they would get sued so ugh yeah needless to say that nite wasnt to good and she didnt get much of a tip

when we got home we did my taxes well we got my federal done at least we still have to do my state but it was all confusing cause my unemplyment is fucking it all up but we are gonna do that next week and get it all done.

he was all worreid about me though cause i told him that my chest has been hurting isnc last sat and my heart an dmy body hurts adn allthat i was having a lil trouble breathing he kept asking ifi was ok and if i was gonna die im like im not gonna diei m ok i dont want u to worry.

sothat was our firday nite we didnt really do much just hung out


my sis came home for th ewkd yay i missed her we decided to spend some time together sinc ei didnt have to wrk and we went shopping we went to the mall in town i just gotlike 3 lil basic t shirts there were like 6 bucks each so yay for bargain deals and then after we were done with our mall we drove like 25minuts to the lehigh valley mall its a bigger mall then ours alot bigger then ours. we finally got there and it took us fucking forver to find a spot u guys haven o idea i dorve around and around froever liek 10 ormore minutes finally we found one all he way in the back back corner of it and it was cold and windy and it was a hike but i got tired of finding a spot so we just walked in the cold to the mall.

the mall was so busy and so crowded adn my anxiety didnt like that but i just kept tyring to breathe which was hard cause my chest was hurting and i was getting dizzy almost passed out but i didnt i kep tmyself up right and was determiend to find a cute outfit to wear for the boy next week and i did i found it in forver 21 i foudn a cute black dress and this chunky sweater to go oover top of it but here is what the dress looks like yes i was to lazy to get completely undressed and left my jeans on

the sweater is grey a lil chunky and its an open front its so comfy but he dress and teh sweater are both smalls :)

i had to eat something b4 we left the mall sincei had to drive home so we ended up gong to coldstone creamery and i got a small 2 to mango smoothie the board said starting at 110 cals so im guessing it was around there my sis got this cake batter milkshake that tasted really really sweet the smoothie hurtmy stomach alikl but it was the best ting i coudl get there netihng else at the mall would of wrecke dmy stomach

we did hit barnes and nobles b4 we left and she would only let me get one book and she stuck to that cause if it was up to me i would of got like 5 so ijust stood there for awhile tryig to decided on what book to get and i got "halo" by alexandra adornetto i liked the ocver the best so thats how i choose

my eating on sat wasnt great b4 the amll i had 2 bowls of cinnamon chex mix cereal with unsweetend almond milk and seom ofm y gluten free brownies then at the mall i had a smoothie after shopping i wasnt feeling good at all really weakand hurt and tired and run down so i ended up messing up and eating a small slice of pizza and 3 lil chicken bites the boy wnet out last ntie so i didnt c him and he didnt come over after i ended up crasshing out early i kept waking up a few times but i did get some sleep

now i know that my eating hasnt been good at all and that dress willlook way better if i lose some weight this week so ima try to lose some weight
i was gonna go to the gym this mroing and work off my mess up of breakfast( 50c als soup, few cherries, and some brownies) but my body just hurts so ba dmy head is couldy chest is tight ribs hurt like a bitch back hurts nose is stuffy im just such a mess so i didnt get tot he gym today ugh but ima try my hardest no matterhow im feeling to get to the gym tomm.

my sis goes back to school today so i think my mom vonulteered me to go with her and my dad its fine driving up there buton the way back its just me and my dad ugh

well love u all


mich-u know that i will def post pics when i get it done and the top i go it from target th epizza would still b good with out the cheese i think

marsh sarah-thank u hunny

ayden-yeahi dont postmy face much on here but thank u hunny i cant get my chest checked no insureance and no extra money

ash- omfg ur back i missed u so much adn i was wondering how uwere doing howr u? ugh my weight is gross

riahbear- yay for fastinghow is that going for u?

pixie and avy-thanx hunny

anomomyous-thanx hun i will try

superhero- i cant walk everyhere its winter here cold as fuck

scared blogger- love ut oo hun im here if u ever need to talk

undesriable-im sorry about ur blog let mek now if u get it fixed for i can read it again

lorna- u will get there hun

Saturday, February 12, 2011


ok so i finally got to do my taxes yesterday asshat of an old boss finally sent me my w2 so me and the boy did my taxtesjust gotta wait for it to b direct depoisted then i can get my hair done

but i figured out i want it yay me

ok so we want this cut

with these colors

let me know what u guys think

o and here the ourfit i wore lastnite i ended up throwing a open front coral sweater on as well i got cold and my weight last nite around 7pm was 104.2

i'll update later on how date nte went and how my day went as well
but opinons please on the hair
love ua ll

Thursday, February 10, 2011

recipes recipes recipes plus mini update

i got recipes for u lovely ppl hope that u like

mini pizzas(wheat free and dairy free)

*2 pepito corn tortillas- 90 cals( yes 2 of them are 90 cals)
*1/4 cup pizza sauce- 40 cals
*1/4 cup vegan mozzarella flavor cheese- 70
*8 sandwhich stackers sweet bell peppers- 20 cals

directions( imadem ine in micorwave oven)

*lay 2 corn tortillas on a tray covered in foil
*split up the pizza sauce between the 2 spread around
*split up the cheese between the 2 as well
* put 4 sweet bell peppers on each pizza
* i set the oven on 350 degrees and just cookied it til the edges were a lil brown

total cals-220 cals


soy yougrt based wrap spread

now this recipe i got from a panini sandwhich but sincei cant eat bread ijust reworked the spread and ima use it on corn tortillas wraps


* 6 ounces non dairy or soy yogurt ne flavor u would like- 160 cals
* 2 tablesppones agave nectar- 120 cals
*1/4 tsp vanilla estract

*just mix it all together in a bowl and there u go
u can use it as a spread for a panini or a wrap or just about nething

1 tbsp= 100ish cals


chocolate truffle brownies gluten and wheat free

*box of choc truffle gluten free mix(its in the gluten free section on grocery store)- 1800 cals
*1 cup vanilla soy non dairy yogurt- 200 cals
*2 egg whites(used egg beaters)- 60 cals
*1/3 cup slivered almonds- 164 cals
*1 tbsp vanilla extract- 12 cals

*preheat over to 350 degrees
*pour the brownie mix in a bowl
*add cup of non dairy yogurt
*add 1 tbsp vanilla extract
* mix together until moistened
*beat 2 egg whties utnil stiff
*fold egg whites into mixture
*also fold in the nuts
*cook in oven for 35 minutes it might take a lil longer mine tok around 40 mins give or take
*let them cool compltetly
*then freeze then for one hour
*cut and enjpy they can also b frozen and unthawed

the box says 16 servings but i cut mine into 25 smaller pieces it bought the cals down for each brownie that way

total cals for 1 brownie if cut into 25's= 89.44

picture pre cut

im ok well im pretty much the same a i have been i did manage to get some more sleep last nite at least note to self take diet pill earlier in day so ur heart is calmer when u try to sleep

yes i know i shoudlnt take diet pills with my heart already being a mess and the chest pains that i have had since saturday but i just cant help it and osme of u guys understand that i need them even if they dont work i feel better after i take one like calmer yeah i know im addcited sue me if u want and im also addicted to diuretcis as well hey at least i can admit it

im up a few ounces from yesterday but i did have the kids yesterday adn when ihave them i eat more then i should and i know that but i just get so tired when im with them and they life to share their food and iwuld donething for them so yes i eat more then i should i freak out and all that but its all worth it for those 3 adorable like kids that i love so much most of the food i shoudlnt of eaten cause it was bad for my sotmach but when ur watching 3 kids 4 yrs and under u just grab the quickest thing u can find and u just go from there.

my chest is still bothering me alot i think im just starting to get use to it cause its like second nature o chest pains ok nuttin new there and my ribs front and back are killing me so idk if itsmy ribs or if its my lungs that acutally hurt and my heart well my heart is the same as its alwasy been bother ing me going high then dropping low and i get head cloudiness and nasouses and all that stuff but itsjust part of it an di just have to deal with that

my legs arent as acky but they are weak so ive been trying to drink alot more fluids so that is helping me alot

today ih ad to take my car into the dealership cause my transmission light came on but wen tback off so they wanted to c it i dorv emy car up an dmom followed me after i explained the directions to her amillion times she had to bring me back home since i wasleaving my car there til it was done. they called like 3 hours later so my bro drov eme back up and i go tmy car they said it was just a cmputer update they had to do they checked everything and said my transmission should b fine according to them and ford so lets hope so

my mom took me ot the grocery store so i could get soemthings

butn eway at the stor ei got
*corn tortillas
*chex mix cinnamon cereal(its gluten free)
*almond milk
*bunch of bananas
*bag of green apples
*vegan shredded cheese
*sandwhich toppers sweet bell peppers
*4 constainer soy vegan g;uten free yogurts(they arelike 160 cals each but i cant eat nomral yogurt)
* 2 mangos
*3 peaches
*3 nectarines
*box of the gluten free browni mix choc truffle
*agave necotr raspberry
*egg whties

um i htink thats all
no gym for me cause o fmy chest and then ihad no car
bu ti love all u guys u are all the best

Tuesday, February 8, 2011


104.8 yesterday morning and 104.8 this morning so i really am 104.8 it wasnt a fluke the scale wasnt lying to me i feel so much better being under 105 u have no idea how much it killed me to b above 105 i hate being above that number so much ijust hope that the scale keeps going down and down and down i really want those double digits again

downside of being under 105 is my chest pains are back and they arent just like sporiadic or nething they are alwasy there soemthings they are more painful then others and soemtimes its just this constant dull ache that is just there all day long which is not a fun thing at all . my heart has been funny as well pounding really fast in my ears and then slowing down to like 56 bpm an di can feel when it slows down yes u might think that is weird but i can feel it. my ribs just ache so much in the fornt and the back its prob just my lungs though that are acutally aching cause i do have toruble breathing at times. and theni just got the weak and tired and shkay feeling an dmy legs are alwasy contantly aching but the good thing about all those tings is it means that im doing tihngs right and the weight is coming off and my body is fighting me about the weight loss nemore lets hope it keeps not fighting me cause i really dont want to get stuck at a weight again.

i went today to the transbridge office and got our bus tickets and paid for our show tickets to the wicked show in april an di got lucky ineeded 4 tickets cause its me and the boy and then hes friend and hes gf taht are going and the lady was like u got lucky there are 4 seats left on the bus so i got the last 4 seats spent way to much money but it will so b worth it i cant wait to c the show i know that i will prob have a panic attack being in nyc with all the ppl and everything but i will just like cling to the boy and hope that that helps subside the panic that will b rising in me. so now that we ahve teh tickets i gotta get to double digits by then we are going april 2 so it gives me a lil less then 2months to lose it i wanna look fragile and broken when we go there cause of course hey its new york gotta look great there.

yesterday i worked 11-6pm had chest pains the hole damn time and it was so lsow bu they didnt send me home early they sent other ppl home early so i had to stay the hole time but whatever i didnt do much but i just found out that chewing gum is agains company policy i haven been there since decemeber we cant have water on the floor with us like at th eregister we cant have botlle with us so we can only drink on our breaks whihc makes me extremely dehyrated buthe gum helps and now i find out i cant chew it the manager told me that im like im sorry id idnt know no1 told me hes like well we usually look past it as long as ur not blowing bubbles so ima keep chewing it i cant go 4 hours witho ut water or gum cause we usually dotn get a break til the 4 hour mark.

im supppose to work tomm but i got some1 to ocver my shift for me my mom txted me and said that we had my lil cousins on wed instead of thurs so ifi wanted to switch my schedule around i could so i found some1 hwo was willing to work my wednesday shift yayf ort hat its just i'll b losing out on those hours i told herif she wanted me to take as hift next week for her to just let me know so tomm instead of working im spenidng the day with my lil munchins i need to c them we didnt have them last week cause of the weather so its been 2 weeks and ijust need to c them and paly with them and just b with them so that is what im doing tomm.

my mom took me to the transbridge off today and then we went to target i wanted to get the new kim harrison book but then i realized i got my weeks mixed up its not out yet not til feb 22nd but i think i might jsut order ir off of amazon i can get it off of there cheaper and then get free shipping as well if i spend $25 and u kow me and books that wont b hard at all. so at target i got 2 boxs of caffeien free tea(1 green tea and the other tazo passion), 3 pack of mint choc chip dessert gum, pair of leggings and bad me a bag of the hersehy drops cookies and cream. and mom was acutally nice since i only had like 4 bucks in my account she bought it for me and said that next time i go to the stor ei can just pick something up for her and it would b even then

unf orutannly i did eat the hole bag of the drops already yeah i know i suck but those dont hurt my stomach to bad just a lil but not like pain pain and plus it stopped the chest pains for a lil while as well even though they are back

but i did manage to make it to the gym today i got a good workout in did

*65 mins elly around the world hill workout level 6- 451 cals burned
*35mins elly cascades hill workout level 5- 258 cals burned
*35mins bike level 6- 211 cals burned

so thats a toally off 920 cals burned today :) hopeuflly that took care of teh bag of candy i ate

so food log so far
*bag of hersehy drops cookies and cream
*few bites of brownie
* cup of 50 cal chicken noodle soup

i'll prob have some fruit and soup later im so cold so so so so so cold im tired of always being so cold

so driving to the gym my wrench light came on an dit was only on for like 2 mins but then it went off and it didnt come on on the way home either so i got my manusal out and iw ill figure out what it means but if neone knows let me know please

pretty little liars was amzing last nite an di cant wait for tonite igot me some new one tree hill, teenmom 2, and my life as liz :)
o and i finshed thirst number 1 while i was at the gym def gonna start the 2nd one soon as well
and im reading a bunch of fanfics as well im constanly reading osmething
i gotta do my curnches yet i didnt do them yesterday cause i just hurt to much to even think about it


dying to be pretty- dont apologize hun and im forced to eat all the time so ur not alone theres stay storng and im here if u ever wanna talk

mich-yes they are making a movie they are currently casting i believe i cant wait for it god i just cant wait cause the books are just pso good and i got to use my locker today so yay for that yeah ih ave neough problem eatin as it is and then i got some1 starting at me ew

sarah-yeah my fingers fall alseep as well annpying

skinny_el- welcome back hun missed u while u were gone

undesirablenumber 1-yes i alwasy walk funny when my feet are asleep is ur blog still being funny? ha thanx hun :) i love my layers

frozen beautiful- the funny thing is i just eat with my boy i eat a good mean with him cause it makes him happy and i guess ppl would think im just naturally like thing then when they c me out ha

Sunday, February 6, 2011


so i lost a pound between yesterday and today idk how i lost a pound in one day but im not complaining an di weight myself twice and got the same number so yay me and u wanna know what is even better is i weighted myself after eating and after drinking and after my workout so idk if im acutally and lower then 105.4 but fuck god do i hope so

my eating is ugh today idk how i feel about it so far i had

*few mini marshmellows
*4 apples slices
*pack of nature valley bars

then i went to the gym ysy for gym first time in a week felt great to go again but it was crowded as fuck and ididnt ge the elly i liked adn i couldt use the locker i alwasy use and i was between 2 guys on elly whihc just made my paranoid but im glad i went i really needed a workout so i did

*65 mins elly around the world hill workout level 6- 461 cals burned
*35 mins bike around the world hill workout level 6- 205 cals burned

which makes a totally of 666 cals burned

after my workout when ifinally got home ans showered i had a peach and some of my dry gluten free cereal im out of almond milk

i hate that i already ate so much today and i can feel the fat just growing on me and ugh its so gross but i took 3 diuretics so that should help and lil and ima do crunches and i stil have teh leftovers from dinner on friday so might heat that up later just for the boy doesnt get mad at me if he findso ut i threw ito ut he wouldnt b happy

idk how i got thru my workout tihs monring cause my chest was bothering me adn my legs were weak and shaky an dijust felt like i was gonna collaspe i thnk thats y i ate more b4 hand idk but i did get thru it and im feeling a lil better not as shaky :)

on another note my circulation is getting worse and worse my feet are constanly falling asleep i cant sit cross legged or nething i either gotta b laying down or if im sitting i gotta hav emy feet flat on the floor or bed or my feet will just instnatly fall asleep idk y it got so bad all of a sudden but it did and its annoying they even feel asleep at the movies last nite i had to keep adjusting my ppostion stupid poor ass circulation ugh

ooo yeah yesterday i ended up work 2-7 and it was boring as all hell and i didknt relaly do much excpet stand around and talk to ppl alot cause there really wasnt nething to do but i was talking to the one manager bout allm y issues well not my ed but my sotomach and what i can eat and what i cant eat and shes like damn girl no wonder ur so small u cant eat nething. she was like shocked when i said that i cant have glutena nd dairy bothers me and that i cant have rice and she laughed when i said prinlges odnt taste good coming back up but shes like gave me idea on how to season my grilled chicken differnlty so i will try those sometimes even though i dont paln on eating that much chiicken i wanna find a protein shake that doesnt have dairy or whey in it and once i do ima cut out the meat except for on friday with the boy cause he said im not me unless im eating chicken cause thats what heknows i alwasy ate so yeah

but neway i got ot c the boy again last nite hes friend and hes girfriend were suppose to go to the moives with us but they back out on us y we dont know but he came over a lil after 8ish and we watched the end of the flyers game and then we went tot he movies we saw the mechanic it was good def worth seeing typical action movie but ididnt suck

my eating yesterday was ok a lil to much junk if u ask me but i skipped lunch yesterday
so b4 work yesterday i ate- af ew peices of cookie and cream choc, grapes, um nectaine i tihnk idk um i atemore b4 work but i dotn rememver its slipping my mind thats not normal
but i skipped lunch cause i worked and then idid have have dinner i just got some popcorn at the movies so ihad half asmall popcorn and then the boy gave me 3 of hes pretzel bites thingys yeah it hurt my stomach but i dealt with it

Saturday, February 5, 2011


so theres my outift that i wore last nite on date nite. i have been absolutly freezing alot lately and wheni got dressed i was even colder so yeah hence all the layers i got on a long sleeve shirt under my grey long sleeve sweater dress then i got the coral open front sweater on over top then i got black leggins on with knee high socks and my grey high boots.
the leggins were alil big well yeah they were big sorta baggy and i had to roll the wast down alot to get them to fit but i made it work i think.

i weighed myself after work yesterday i got a hot shower wheni got home b4 i got dressed in the outfit and the scale said 106.4 and it also said 106.4 this morning both times i have eater and drank b4 hand so i should b alil lower then that i hope

well something weird happened at dinner last nite idk if u guys will think its weird of ifim just like extermely paranoid well i know i am paranoid but idk ifim being more paranoid then normal u know whati mean

well we deicded to try this new restrarant that opened up well its not in towni ts lik 25mins away but yeah thats nomral for us small town not many places to eat and since i live rightont he border of pa and nj we go into pa alot but neway we went to longhorn steak house last nite. and we were sitting there waiting for out talbe like swingining my egs around cause u know me i cant sit still and this other couple walks in the girl islike skinnish def noticed her she had a lil stomach but neway they ended up sitting across from us and she kept like looking over at me and staring idk y. and she was like on her phone the hole time she was with this guy an di noticed that she didnt eat nething well like one fry and lik half her drink but thats all so idk if she has an ed or what cause the boy didnt say nething at all when she wasnt eating so idk what was up with that i just found it werid that she kept like staring at me like she was trying to figure something out idk what she was trying to figure out i wish i knew but like i alwasy look aorund when im eating cause im paranoid and i think ppl are judging me and i noticed her looking at me alot. i have ahabit of sitting curled up in my seat alot so yeah i was sititng cross legged and stuff but idk y she was staring at me so much and its really bugging me

and of coruse i was eatin gi was witht he boy i eat with him i make him happy and i eat with him at one point i was having dessert yes i get dessert with him what can i say im powerless when it comes to apple pie and idk how but we were talking bout jersey shore and we both hate it andn he was saying how snookie looks like an ompa lompa and we started singing the song yes we are werid and i looked up and she was getting up and staring like right at me and at the dessert so idk ugh im so confused and paranoid and idk what to think

but date nite was good last nite we had a good time and we were happy my stomach hurt like a bitch was they had this bread honey wheat and he tried and amd eme try it hes like trust me its worth the pain so i had 2 lil peices with butter and it was worth the pain but by the time we got home it hurt to stand straight but the bread was good. then he got cheese fries for appetizer had bacon and jalapones on iti ddint want the bacon i dont eat bacon so he said to just brush it off and i was trying to get the fries with not alot of cheese on them and i would eat a lil jalapones with each bite i liked the spicness of it i was gonna get a salad but he said we were at a new place so i should try the chicken i got the citrus grilled chicken and it comes with one side and a salad so i got a mixed green salad with balasmic vingar and seasonal veggies plain. the salad was a sside salad i only ate like a lil less then half of it cause i asked fo rdressing on the side but they put it on top neway ugh and then i had 6 bites of chicken and some of my veggies i took the chicken home and my veggies and the rest of boys veggies as well gonna eat those later for dinner. my dessert was caramle apple goldrush its pretty much like a mini apple pie broken up with ice cream in the middle its suppose to b drizzled with caramel but i got it with out caramel not a big caramel person so she put strawberry drizzle on it it was huge and im ashmashed to say that i did it most of it ugh hate myself for that ugh.

b4 dinner i did good restricting thru out the day though i had an apple a peach and lil choc and thats it so proud of myself for that at least

today im nnot doing to well i already had a peach a lil choc and some of my vegan cookies im adcited to those cookies (and mich im pretty sure the recipe in on my recipe page if is not let me know and i will post it on here for u)

i have to work today from 2-7 but its an icy mess out here and im kindin ghoping they will call and say they dont need me but yeah it prob wont happen but i have off tomm and i hope that the weathe is good casue i really need to get to the gym like really really if i get there tomm ima try and do a 2 hour cardip workout lord knows i need it.

we had decided to go to a broadway show in april we are gonna take a bus up and go c wicked so i def need to lose weight b4 that im hoping double digits 95 lbs would b amazing but first i gotta get out of this stupid binging phase that im in

ok im off ot get caught up on all ur blogs that i have missed sicne my last update


rosesrred12-i know she really is and she nautrally that tiny u can so tell from the movie the mirror scene lucky and shes an amzing actress love her

riahbear-thanx hun it seems like ive been getting headaches like once a day or once every other day lately

skeleton strong- yes yes thats what i need my head needs it to clear it all out

undesirabel number 1- welll ihave deice wind shield washer fluid but there was so much ice on my car that there was no way thati could get the wipers to work it was at least an inch of ice prob more o i now what u mean i know my books

mich-yea i got out of the house yesterday but not wed or thur ugh i had to hhack the ice off too it was the only way to get it off

desepree- well im my nomral somtach issue self or so u could say

Thursday, February 3, 2011


so my head is just driivng me crazy this week like literaly driving me nuts and it wont shut up and i know y its because i havent been able to get to the gym this week iw as oging to go monday but then i got called into woekd i worked friday and sat and sunday and monday and tuesday and now i have off today and i had off yesterday but did i get to the gym nope i did not u wanna know y cause i live in the northeast and winter sucks. the roads wereent down at all yesterday casue my town is havinga salt shortage so they only do the main roads and mine isnt main road so i wasnt gonna risk my life slding inot seomtihng or have some careless driver slide into me so no gym yesterday adn today yeah i couldnt get out of my spot my car was surrecnede by an ice puddle ugh there is so much snow everywehere that there is no where for it to go or the ice or the rian so my car was stuck so i didnt get out today either ugh

yesterday i did spend an hour outside chipping away at the ice on my car and my moms car yes it took me an hour to clean off off cars ugh i hate ice and then i spent idk mayb 2 hours cleaning my room i tackled my closest first its all organized adn color coded so yay for that and then i did my room al il i tend to clean in spurts so yeah.

i also got an hour of jogging in place yestreday as well so thats some exercise but i really need to get tot hey gym

the good thing about yesterday was my dvd of "welcome to the rileys" came so of course i was all happy about that and i watched it it was so good i def suggest u guys chekcing it out it stars kristen stewart, james gandolfini and melissa leo and hers the summary fromt he back of it just in case u guys havent heard of it im sure most of u havent im into indie moves

" gloden globe winner gandolfini is doug riley a man at the crossrods ever sine the tragic death of hes teenage daughter he has led alife of quiet desperation and not something has to give on a business tip to new orleans he encounters mallory(stewart) a raw angry runaway living a dangerous life as a stripper moved by emotions he barely understands doug abandons his old life to save hers the tenuous balance is threantened when hes life lois(leo) shakes off the fears that have kept her homebound for years now three lost soulds seek hope and forgivness in each other and together the discover a rare gift of connection that feels like family"

so def def check it out its a great moveie the enidng is differen then the script yes i have read the script but i liked the ending that they chose for th movie better then the orignal one its more realistic the way they did it in the movie.

i finshed cleaning up my room today i dusted and cleaned stuff and moved stuff around and thew stuff away i sitll ahve to vaccum yet but im getting a headache so its break time. im moved my books around i have alot of bookd and now books case fo i jsut have stacks everywere. i ahve 4 stacks on the one shelf under my tv then onther 1 on the next shelt. i have 4 more stacks on my other one shelf wehere i keep my vitamins and all that jazz then ih ave 2 stacks on my dresser the stacks on my dresser are teh books that i have yet to read. yes i have an addiction and i know it i also have 2 boks on my kindle that ihave yet to read ha.

i did finish "hunger" on my kindle and that was a good book i recomment tath one as well.
the new kim harrison books come out tomm i belive and i cant afford to get it ugh ih ate my life im working less cause its not xmas and im tyring to pay more thenmy minium payment on my credit cards i have 4 and then u add inmy car payment and my car insurance i am just making ends meet and then i gotta have some monety to by my fruit and bars so yeah i paid my bills yestrerday and i barely have ne money left and the lil i do have left i have to save for the wkd for whenme and the boy go out ijust love my life

my eating has been all over the place i do good during the day adn then ijust totally binge at nite im not gaining weight i keep going between 106-107 but i just hate being above 105 and i need to get back under there and quickly i just have to stop the nite binging if i stoppped at then i would b ok well not ok but i would b at least alil better

i made cookies yesterday as well i mad emy vegan fruit and nut ones again i added a 1/2 tsp vanilla and my nuts i still used 1/4 cup but i did a combo of walnuts and almonds this time and they are very good.

i still have to do my curnches for the day adn ima try and run in palce for an hour again later and ia lso gotta paint my nails i just took off my chipped nailpolish so i jsut gotta repaint them and then prob take soem aspiring causemy head is pounding so bad


that one girl- i know the feeling excpet im not in school nemore but yeah i getcah

mich- i like it alot yeah the did change some things fromt he book but really every movie or tv show that is based on a book does that they ahve to they cant keep it exactly the same i dont think they strayed to much from the book ithink they are doing a really good job yeah the ending was different then waht happened in the book but if u look past that one lil detail its a good show really u guys lost power we didnt and thats a sruprise there cause we alwasy lose power im stuck int he house though sicne my car is stuck int he ice puddle that is my street we really do have to stop binging its getting out of control

Tuesday, February 1, 2011


so becky posted this self ahrm survery on her blog and she wanted answers so im ansering th e survey here on mine

Self-Harm Survey

Age: 25

Birthday: 1/18 (capricorn)

Label yourself (prep,goth,druggie,weirdo, etc.): crazy

How long have you been cutting?: 2 years

Favorite tool?: Box cutter blades

Where (place) do you cut? (school,home, etc.): mostly at hoome in my room but i have cut in the shower and at work

Do you have to hide your whole arm(s) (wrists,forearms, and upper arms etc): yeah i do ih ave to hide from my wrist up to my elbow

Do you have to wear long-sleeves and long-pants all the time?: yeah i should but i do nt i hide my bad scars but i let the not so bad ones out

Do you cut on your stomach, or chest?: yes stomach and ribs not chest

Do you cut on your hands, neck, or face?: no

Are your legs, arms, and other body parts covered in scars?: lower stomach, ribs, wrist, arms molsty right arm but some of left as well,ankles, and thighs

What’s your favorite excuse to use when someone asks about a cut/scar?: i just say that they are scars and i dont elaborate or nething they cant think what they want

Off the top of your head, about how many scars do you have?: way to many

Have you ever been hospitalized because of your cutting?: no

Do you have (diagnosed or not) Depression, and/or Bipolar/BPD?: iv enever been diagnoes but i do suffer from depression its just undiagnosed

Who knows you cut?: my one good friend

Have you ever been caught cutting?: No yay for that

Did you have a good childhood?: yeah i guess i did

Why do you cut?: it makes me feel numb it makes everything ok for a few seconds

Have you ever talked to a therapist or counselor?: no

Do you want to stop cutting, but can’t because of addiction?: i wish i could but i cant i have treid ijust cant

Do you like cutting?: Yeah it keeps me calm

How many times have you tried to commit suicide?: ive thought about it alot

What are your views on cutting, and other self-injury?: i wish that ppl would think so negative about it not everyone who does it is trying to kill themselves some are just doing it for a realease for a high.

Do you like watching movies with Self-injury?: Yes

Do you like looking at pictures of Self-injury?: it depends

Do you sometimes envy other people? (non-self-injurers): yesh i envy thtat thye dont have to worry about hiding the scars or the cuts they can b so carefree and wear what ever they want

Have you ever taken any pictures of your cuts/scars?: yes i have nearly all of them

Do you want to die? if yes, Why?: i wanna die but i dont wanna die u know what i mean i just want everything to stop but i dont wanna hurt the ppl i love

Have you ever done a school assignment on cutting, or self-injury?: no

What do you like to listen too while cutting?: whatever is on the tv at the moment

Have you ever needed stitches from cutting?: Yes but never went to get them hence the really bad scars

Do you dream about cutting?: Not really

Would you rather have a boyfriend/girlfriend that is also a cutter? no i dont want them to feel th epain that i feel

What do you use to bandage your cuts after a session?: usually just a bandaide

so yeah there are my answsers to the question i hope that it helsp ppl understand me alil more

so today ugh today wasj ust crazy i worke up feeling extrmeley weak heart poudning out of my chest and my legs so weak and shaky i though i was gonna fall over which idont understand caues i slept so much last nite ive been crashing out/passing out every nite form exhasution like 9pm i am out like a light an di iwill wake up a few times thru the nite but i will fall right back asleep and that is not me not me at all i usually sleep like 4 hours anite but now imjust sleeping somuch and im still so exhasuted my fatique is at an all time high and idk y idk y im so tired all the time and i keep binging so the food should give mme energy but its not its not at all i reallly gotta stop this binging

i was really thinking about calling out of work today but i knew that i couldnt cause the school swere closed and the one girli know would call out cause she would need to stay home with her daughter so i had to go in and it was icy soi didnt drive my yuncle came and picke dme up and drove me into work andmy dad picked me up after

i got there and it wasj ust me and the mean manager until the other girl got there and the other 2 managers so it was just us 5 for the day and with the weather it was so damn slow i mean like dead slow we didnt get our first sale til 1 pm. and it was shipment day and i never do shipment they have certain ppl who do that and i usually just stay ont he register but since alot of ppl calle dout cause of the weather i had to help with the shipment so i spent 4 hours straight monving clothes aroung and opening boxes and taking clothes out and all that jazz. and when i say move clothes around imean alot of close basically redid the hole mens seciton and the manager had me doing everyting climbing the ladder and putting extras in upstock moving stuff to clearance moving hole sections of clothes to a different section so yeah i was exhausted and i have no idea how many cals i burned i hope a good share of an amount cause i totally just binged. i was suppsoe to work 10-6 but we ended up closing at 5 so i got out an hour early and dad slide once cominghome.

we are in a winter ice storm wraning thingy like we are suppose to get alot of ice and we could possibly lose power tomm so mom was nice and did my laundry for me today just in case i cant do it tomm she even folded it too i wasnt expecting that but she did and i got my sheats on my bed and tomm ima do a full room cleaning since i wont b able to get to the gym cause of the damn ice

im wathicng one tree hill right now and then i gotta to curnches and keepmy ass up for i can watch teen mom 2 at 10pm

i totally crashed out last ntie and missed pretty little liars last nite so now i gotta watch it online

so yeah food wise today ugh i did good during the day until after work so yeah ugh

at breakfast i had a mango and a few choc pieces just alil not enough to make me sick

then on my hour lunch break at work i had a fruit bowl banana 4 apple slices and grapes and cherries(the one manager bought us pizza but i cant eat that id get so sick if i did)

snack after work had a fre grapes and a bite of brownie

and then there is dinner and this is were i totally fucked up
*few fries
*3 honey bbq chicken bites
*4 rice krisy treats
*and a can of progressive rosted veggies and chicken soup

ugh hate myself for that binge im never gonna lose weight if i keep eating that damn much ugh fuck me

*2 mugs green tea
*liter of water
*2 cups of juice-20 cals

undesirble number1- yeah i checked and it wouldnt work for me ugh mayb its just my computer beinga bitch idk bu ti love reading ur blog so i hope that i can read it again soon i love fruit u shoudl def eat more of it its so yummy and tasty and i dont feel quilty eating it

riahbear- wow sorry that u had that happen to u hun ugh hate covering for ppl

skeleton strong- i dont always get everything that i need to do done but i try i hate when my plans get all fucke dup it just messed everything up
and if u do things while wathced tv itmakes it go quicker if u ask me def try adn find the oats and dark choc they are relaly good

sarah-thanx hun i think i am always stressed

mandagin-ugh y cant ppl jsut mind there own business already