Monday, October 31, 2011


i cant waitt il i get my own computer for i can update whenever i want and i can finally get caught up on all ur blogs that im so far behind in ugh hopefully i will get a new one soon who knows

well happy halloween everyone

and i have snow yup snow in october im in new jersey and we had a bad snow storm on saturday that is still wrekcing havic it sucks trust me i still have power luckily (sorry mich hope urs comes on soon) but the town and everything is just a mess

we have over 6 inches its starting to melt but it was a heavy snow that bought down trees and power lines needless to say its been a mess since saturday

i had to work saturdayi went in at 11am and it was jsut starting to snow not sticking or nething yet but by the time i got at at 6pm it was a mess we acutally had to close the store at 6pm cause none of the closers could come in one girl tried but to many downed trees so most of the staff left at 5 when their shift was over so it left me my one coworkers and 2 managers thats it the one manager cleaned the fitting room other one was doing the drawers i was doing reg and my coworker was gettign the running done and fixing up the store it was that messy cause of the weather so yeah but god getting home i live right in town like 5-10 mins yeah it took me 25 mins to get home but first i had to clean off my car and i forgot gloves yeah i know im an idiot it happens my hands were so cold and shaking and i coudlnt feel that at all like completely numb and it took 4ever to get all the snow off cause like i said it was heavy i finally got int he car and put my hands right in front of the heater and omg did that hurt so bad the pain when ur getting feeling back is ouch

the town didnt reall do the roads yet i guess they werent expecting it to get that bad or soemthing idk the amll was just starting to do the parking lot when we were leaving and the mall lost power 3 times it would come on we would get the computers working and it would go out again 3 times yeah fun and it take 20 mins to get all the computers working again

but getting home omg u had to go slow casue the roads were snow and slush and just a mess i onlyh slide a few times not bad i have a ford focus and it has front wheel drive so that helped but it took 4ever to get home cause i hit 2 seperate road blocks the first one was a tree and stuff fell ona car driving and it caught on fire i dont know the rest of it and then the one hill was closed off so i had to go down a different hill that wasnt treated at all and that was fun not really and at the bottom of that hill there was this huge tree down but they didnt close off that road cause there really was no way to get home so all the cars were just driving around it very carefully there was a lil road left so yeah i made it home 25 mins later ugh craziness my mom and bro shovlled out my parking spot for me though so that was nice of them

the boy was suppose to go out saturday nite but he didnt cause of the weather so i went and got him and he leaves on my street but have to take the alley cause my road is one way and yeah i was going down the alley and this car was on my ass bright headlights and i hit something idk what but it was a huge bump huge idk what it was when me adn the boy were going back kdown the alley and we alooked and there wasnt enthing there so idk what i hit i coudlnt tell u butim ok and my car is ok i got stuck in the snow a lil but yeah that happnes

i had to work sudnayt hen all the roads were clear thank god but the raods that were closed saturday were still closed sunday so i had to take the long ass round about way to get to teh mall i was suppose to work 11-630pm um yeah the power went out at 1145 am customers were wating to c if it would come back on yeah it didnt so i was stuck with my coworkesr heloing me but the customers clothes in bags and hold stickers on them it was a mess we had to call the closers and tell them dont worry bout coming in no power it was am ess again we fianlly left at 1pm after got the drawers down and got out of the store had to use a road on the chain for the door and pull it then the manager had to roll out and we had to push the gate down yes its all run with electricy so that was fun we spent time sitting on the counters waiting to c if the lights came one they didint and it turns out the power didnt come back on til 5pm fun fun fun ugh i hate winter

the roads are still clsoed today ma's battery died so i had to take her running around
we went to kolhs first cause she wanted to look at some things and i looked in clearance section and i found 2 zip up hoodies and 3 sweaters all in smalls so they are a lil big but i got them for a total of $35 i saved like $173 dollars

here they are

we then went to target i got a new straigthner since mine died i have no luck but its pink and one sale and part of the proceeds go to breast cancer awareness so yey also go t abox of speical k cereal and some candy corn(im addcited i know i shoudlnt eat it)

we then went to shoprite were i got gluten free bread and my ingredients to make my tomato salsa soup which i did make after we got home and its all yummy i love that soup it kills my sotmach but i love it neway

i didnt get to go to the gym today cause i just didnt wanan risk it with all the roads closed and power outage i didnt wanna drive there and find out its closed my gym is in pa not to far away at all since i live right on the border but the high school over there is not to far away from the gym and they dont have power so i didnt risk i really need to work out cause im snacking on to much halloween candy i am gonna sit outside and help mom hand out candy trick or treat is from 5-8 i know 3 hours crazy i def wont make it that long out in the cold

o and here is my outfit from friday i dont know my weight ne guesses please i need to know

Sunday, October 23, 2011


im sorry im sorry im sorry for not updating but i really cant get on the computer much my bro is alwasy on hes so im stuck on the downstairs one with out ne privacy what so ever

this will just b a quick cause i have to go to work soon but ihave pics for u guys
um lets c my meds still havent kicked in yet im still dealing with some side effects not as bad though but i realized that u shoudlnt mix aleve with anitdepressants bad bad bad idea trust me i was naouses my body ached and my chest hurt for like 3 days after so i will have to find something else to take with it when i get my headaches

i went tot he gym few times since ive last updated
* oct 14- 65 mins elly(442) 40 mins bike (226)
* oct 15- 65 mins elly(439)
* oct 17- 65 mins elly(465)
* oct 20- 45 mins elly(324 35 mins bike (200)
* oct 23- 65 mins elly(465 35 mins bike(202)

my eating idk it depends on the day friday and sat i ate to much ate witht he boy my stomach still hurts and ih avent had a bowel movement in days its un comfrotable so im have to drink some fiber drink i tried eating extra dairy cause my body usually cant handle it so i go but thats not even helping ugh

my weight im not sure i weigh at the gym the other day it said 102 in knee high socks, soffee shorts, tank top, and tshirt that was on sat after eating way way to much friday so idk my real weight mayb 100 or mayb im even in double digits i coudlnt tell u i wish that i did know though

k pics


thursday(10/20/11) for the flyers game


i dont have time to read all the blogs that i am behind on so everyone how r u? what have u been up to? update me please

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


ive meant to update bu tmy compute access is really limited now ugh i suually go on my bros every morning from teh time he goes to work til i go or if i dont have work im on all day but the assfuck quit is job cause hes a loser and a pain in my ass so yeah no cpmputer time much at all i can get ont eh downstairs one to check email but not to blog of get on my sites cause my family doesnt beleive in privacy when ur downstaris it sucks so fucking much but im on now fo ra lil while a least and i tried to get updated onsome of ur blogs im sure i missed osme im sorry but ihave to get my bros computer back to him soon and i wanted to get a post up and research a lil and mayb try and get updated on some of the fanfics i read that i havent been able to sicne i dont have a fucking ass damn computer ugh

but neway had my doc appt today adn surprisngly it acutally went well u guys know me docs and me just never ever for the life of me never get alone or arguee or enthing ugh but i had a good one today yay go me

i tried a new doc at my family doc the one iwas seeing acutally left so i wanted to try th enew guy i dont like the other ones there neway and this guy is form st lukes hospital and guess waht i like him hes nice really nice hes younger he listens he explains things he tells u hes opinion on things he ask me questions and it seems like he really does care he didnt even mak eme sit on the table witht he stupid paper he did and i got to sit on the chair score the only bad this was he was running late which makes me more anxious and shit but it was ok hes nice and i know what to expect now

but the weighed me in flats, dress pants, bra(ugh yes had to wear one interview that day) tank top, dreey top and a thin fleece jacket adn the scale said 103( 2 lbs lower then week and half ago at gastro doc appt) so idk am i hundred or am i acuatlly in double digits again. but they took my blood pressure too like they alwasy do expect they didnt tell me the numbers like the alwasy do and for the first time they took my pulse too so idk what was up with that and they made me take off my jacket i was freezing and of course my sacrs were turning purple but they didnt say nething about that

but hey came in and looked at y chart talke dbout how many tests i have had done lately hes like wow uve ben poked alot im like yeah i did to many tests hes like from what it loooks like ur healthy like healthy and my cholestrol went down no more cholestrol meds for now yay

he said he doesnt wanna treat the fibromylagia yet cuase he wants to start out with the anxiety and dpression and then go from there and i dont blame him eh really thinks that that is causing alot o fmy issues he said it will take time to find meds and the right combo of meds that will work for me right but he was so considearte asked bout insurnace my insurance doesnt cover prescritions so i need generic so he had to consider that right now and he did cause there are meds that he was thinking about(lexapro, lyrica) that are just brand names right now but will b generic in a few months he started me out on an ssri at first he explained the reason its the one he likes the most the one with the least side effects adn the easiest one to get off of if i need to get off of it so i go back ina month and we will c how im doing from there he said to stay on it stick it out if the side effects are too bad to call him lik eif i cant fucntion but he said most side affects are over in a week so tomorrow i start on 20mg of citalopram he said to take it in morning that if it makes me to tired thent o take it at nite but if it keeps me up to go back tot he morning dose

info on citalpram(copy and pasted)

Citalopram is used to treat depression. Citalopram is in a class of antidepressants called selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs). It works by increasing the amount of serotonin, a natural substance in the brain that helps maintain mental balance.

Citalopram is also sometimes used to treat eating disorders, alcoholism, panic disorder (condition that causes sudden attacks of extreme fear with no apparent cause), premenstrual dysphoric disorder (a group of physical and emotional symptoms that occur before the menstrual period each month), and social phobia (excessive anxiety about interacting with others). Talk to your doctor about the possible risks of using this medication for your condition

Citalopram may cause side effects. Tell your doctor if any of these symptoms are severe or do not go away:
*stomach pain
*excessive tiredness
*uncontrollable shaking of a part of the body
*muscle or joint pain
*dry mouth
*excessive sweating
*changes in sex drive or ability
*loss of appetite

Some side effects can be serious. If you experience either of the following symptoms or those listed in the IMPORTANT WARNING section, call your doctor immediately:

*seeing things or hearing voices that do not exist (hallucinating)
*fever, sweating, confusion, fast or irregular heartbeat, and severe muscle stiffness

sorry that i just copy an dpasted that im running out of computer time

heres my blood work resultes

*glucose serum-83
*creatine serum-.86
*bun creatine ratio-6(low)
*sodium serum-138
*potassium serum-4.4
*chloride serium-104
*carbon dioxide total-21
*calcium serum-9.6
*protein total serum-7.1
*albumin serum-4.4
*globulin total-2.7
*a/g ratio-1.6
*bilirubin total-0.4
*alkaline phosphatse-45
*cholestrol total-178
*hdl cholestorl-69
*vldl cholestrol cal-22
*ldl cholesterol calc-87

a good portion of my numbers are close to being under the range so we will c

i also had a job interview today in behtlehem it was easy to get to i just got lost witht eh stupid street ugh east and west and its werid there its like one side of street light is east other is west ihad to aska complete stranger im like im sorry im not form around here put what way is it they were very nice though tank god but i foudn the place just in time adn there were running late neway so it all worked out ok but the interview ppl were very nice 2 guys layed back nice it was at a mortage loan place the position iw as interview for is admin assistant/ receptontist that would eventually learn how to b a mortage processor i told them i was a hard worker quick learner asked if i coudl stay late sometimes im like yeah they are like its a 9-5 job somtiems we stay til 530-6pm which isnt bad at all well not to me when they said late i was thikning like late u know asked if i minded running errands i said i dont mind it sucks but hey i need a new job but there wre very nice um its like $12 an hour which is much better then what im making now comes with benefits insruance is 60/40 they pay 60 percent of the price i pay 40 percent idk how it went i knd got confused at one point and lost in my head and didnt know what to say but i was honest at the end and said i do have doc appts going on right now and they said it was fine as long as they had notice and stuff and i know myselfi work hard i go to work no matter what its just how i am asked if nething would interfer with work i said now i know im a mess rigth now but i never ever let that get in the way of my work i told them i can fake being happy like the best of them i very good at pushing my emotions aside but that depending on the situation i do get stressed easily i just wanted to b as open and hoenst with thtme as i could i dont like to lie when it coems to that u know but i will find out by the end of the week idk what to think about it so we will ahve to wait and c i guess

but i tookt he hole day off of work today it was nice and god was the weather so nice today and i had my 2 cousins the boys i got to play with them go for walks and outside and just paly witht eh lil ones they really do make everything so much better all the time i miss my munchkin but shes doing great in kindergarden so yay for her

k pic time

outfit form friday nite. lets c friday we went to our friends cousin house none of us thought we wold b out late um yeah i got home at 530am slept na hour and went to work yup o and had a mental breakdown at 5am it happens oncee a week

interview outfit(do i look 100 lbs or under)


*mich- love u ims orry that i havent beena ble to update its been nuts if u ever wanna trade nubmers let me knwo i knwo u dont like technology but as of right now i wont get on computer much so if u ever wanna txt or nething let me know i love wht u said on my 10/5 post it really did mean alot ot me i dont see myself as strong i only c myself as surviving but when u say it that way it makes me think

*scared blogger- loveu girly

*artiste affame-ha my problmes will never lessen but im tryingt o not stress so mcuh

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

i can't deal

everything is just all to much i cant do this i cant deal its ugh my mom just told me that insurance didnt cover the anthelogist(sp) the doc who knocks u out thats $4,000 yup u read that right idk what happened they didnt cover it spomething bout a deductible idk but dads gonna call try and get it figiured out

i didnt want to but asked mom fro money i need $30 for my co pay next week shes gonna pay that for me
and now i have a reason to eat les si have to make the food i have last for the next 2 weeks cause i have no more to restock my fruit and my yogurt adn my glutne free stuff

y does like alwasy throw me for a loop one after another after another i give up


u know what im just gonna type the way i want to and if u guys dont like it then dont read it i dont want to change who i am when im writing my resumes and cover letters of course i type better i just have to but this blog is about me and u have to realizxe that when im writing or typing im usually a maniac mess stressed adn freakking out so u get what u get u dont like it dont read it i know iw ill prob lose alot of followers i have what nearly 400 now or soemtihng so that has to mean something doesnt it.

im spiralling out of control i feel like i just cant contorl nething nemore i sat down with my book and figured out myu bills yeah im fucked ima go tot he bank today to make sure what i have written down is right and ifi t is then yeah after my car and credit cards i have $29 left and i need gas and i have a $30 copay next week ugh fuck me i guess ima have to borrow money from some1 i dont wanna borrow from my parnets cause they will hold it over my head forever cause they suck and the boy said he would help but i dont wanna take money from him either and i dont wanna use my credit cards cause well they are nearly maxed out and the interest is killing me i will figure it out i guess

y cant life just give me a break for once in my life i dont wanna struggle i dont wanna feel like im drowning i just wanna b content thats all i want is that to much to aks for well app it is fuck my life


mich- yup thats what i have and it sucks so much im trying to find a job u know with my own insurance but if i dont by the time im kicked off my parents ima try and get state insurance idk if that will b ne better thoguth app they ahve this hole 80/20 rule i fucking hate everything and ur right ima type how i want to.

desesperee- i live in that area hun not far from the hosital either but to work in a hopsital they want u to have medical expereince or a somekine of medical degree trust me i tried and im interview at this palce in behtlehem called gateway funding i just need a better job
o and im sorry bout ur bill how did u pay it or did they fix it for u well u guys are gonna hate me cause im going back to typing how i want to i dont understand how its hard to read its just a few tyupos and shorthand how is that hard to figure out and i fi lose followers then so b it

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


why does life always gave to throw me a fucking curveball why cant i just be happy or wait not even happy just content for once in my fucking life. nope nope i cant you know why its cause life fucking hates me. i struggle everyday just to make it through the day between the pain the anxiety then add in i mak ejust enough to pay my credit card bills(only alil above minium payment) my car and car insurance put gas in my car and thenmayb i can get some food. but with all my stomach issues i have to buy soy based food no milk and gluten free stuff no wheat and fruit i love fruit and that is just expensive

i've been doing aight lately i had the money from my car when i traded it in so i used it to get flyers tickets for me and the boy ont he 20th, go to they eye docs to get contacts and glasses, get the nexium i needed(but am not on nemore) extra fruit and a bunch of built in bra camis(cause i cant wear bras nemore they hurt to much).

and yesterday i got a voicemail while i waas working it was to set up an interview for a job so i called them back i go tuesday the 11th at 11am i have a doc appt at 9am that day so ima go straight there i was doing ok then i gethome to find a fucking bill for my EGD test i had done iinsurance didnt cover all of it so i am no responiable for the rest of it which is nearly $600 i dont have that laying around i just dont so i will have to call them during my lunch hour today to see if i can defer payment see when its all do and see if they will just accept like $30 a month with my luck they wont and it doesnt help that my computer died and i was going to figure out how to get a new one but know thats going to have to be on the back burner to the fucking medical bill god please can i not get one for the disida scan with cck i had too cuase that will just push me over the edge

o and im sorry everyone espeically to beth i didnt mean to blow up on you my head is never ever in the right place and i didnt realize that my writing offended so many people i just write what im feeling at the moment and yes it is more then like jumbled and the spelling is off i didnt realize so many people didnt like that. i have never been good with grammer it just was never my thing but as you can tell i tried harder to write better for you guys it took me alot longer and now im running a little late but if it makes it easier for you guys then i will try

Monday, October 3, 2011


i just realized this is post like 506 and i missed my 500th post my bad it happens o well we wil just have to make a big deal about it when i get to 1000 hopefully i will get there eventually.

so i called my family doc today to make an appt for my fibromylagia anxiety and depression and i have a feeling ima b given a hard time there for one i have to wait til the 11th to go i dont liike the other docs there and my ass of a doc left so im trying out th enew doc and of course hes not there friday which is my day off so im going the 11th at 9am i will just tell work i can do after 11 i cant b there at 10 that would b pushing it.

but neway the nurse or scheudling lady on the phone was like um ok did u have blood work for the fibromylagia and im thinking there really isnt any blood work on it i told her he did alot of tests and ruled everything else out and that i think he sent copies of it to u guys neway and shes like well he prob did a rheumtoid test and im thinking he didnt but i called the office for my stomach doc and had them fax the bloodwork over which was done in august so im guessing im not gonna get the pills i want and need to start to get better and to control the pain for a long time my life sucks i just dont wanna b in pain all the time and thats what it is its chronic pain that effects everything and u dont know how it is til u suffer from it urself so fun times for me ima b in pain for longer i finally get a diagnosis an dim relieved about that ive been thru alot of tests: ekg, echo, stress test, bloodwork(liver kidneys,pancrass, thyroid, red and white blood cells), endoscopy with tissue sampes/ biopsies, and disida scan w cck. how many more tests can they do till some1 fnally helps me and gives me the meds that i need for i can start to control it i know there is now cure of rit so i guess we will wait and c

comment replies

*lilah lee- walmart is funny like that arent they but i will keep that in mind def im gald taht u found something that works for u hun

*scared blogger- well ij ust emaile du the other day so u know that cause u answered i knwo it will take time to find a med that is right for me love u too

*beth- well no offense but y the fuck do u read it then if u dont like and y the fuck do u have the need to tell me that as well what is so wrong with it am i too whiny? to sick? not sick enough? what is it or do u just not like my writing style everyone is entitled to their own opinoion but wtf really yeah there are blogs that i dont like so i dont read them and i dont write a comment telling them that that is just rude and annoying if u ask me u dont have to liek my blog u dont have to life me or what i write about but i write teh truth this is my life this is what i go thru on a daily basis i am not a fake i dont not look for attention i getm y story out there for ppl can see how it is to have this disease to see how it affects my everyday life and to hopefully help some1 let them see how far it can go and then mayb they will decide they dont wanna get that sick they dont want their health to plumment like mine and they go and get help so fuck off if u dont like it and dont read it nemore

*aly- thanx for the suggestion hun email me if u ever need nething o ur crazy love u neway nope not 95 lbs yet im stuck around 100-101

*dying to be pretty- yeah i dont sleep and i have the bags under my eyes to prove ie so but thanx hun its hard to stay storng though hun u know that

*mich- yeah it does make sense not that i research it and think bout it u know bu tinever thought bout it cause i didnt think that was me but it does make sense now yeah thats what im hoping for generic cheaper for me my insurance doesnt cover meds just get a lil discount on them i will have to look into the shampoo. yes let me know how she did it i was thinkng about going ot he hosital in town after i tuen 26 and talking tot he financal advisor there see if i can get some state insurance but idk if that will cove rmy meds and my family doc and my gastro doc. u nut case ur weight is smaller then me. yes i found a good one but now i gotta deal with my family doc

*bones-yeah i got my dianosis 4 of them acutally now i just have to get my family doc to give me meds for them which is porb gonna b a fight. its hard im so frustated and aggitated its like ugh already ima try blogging more its just hard without a computer right now yeah the results came back nomral for all those tests

*sarah- thanx fun im tired of feeling crappy i wish i was under 100 lbs

*shirinking violet- o inever though to fthat the dragon does look lik eits from pete's dragon now i see it lol wow

*brittany- yeah it depends on the meds adn the person and how they work i posted some pics b4 hun just not of my hair i hate rain

*per esssere sianciate- i cant have leafy greens they kill my sotmach more then nething else and its sucks cause i use to like live off of salads so yeah. i';ll reaad nething once so yeah thanx hun i think im around like 100 101 mayb i love boots as well they are the best

*fat piggy-thanx hunny u dotn want to b as sick as me though

*thinqueen1 and kim- o really c its hard for me to see teh difference but thanx for pointing that out

*unbeautiful- recovery wont help my problems yeah id gained weight but the diagnosis i got isnt linked to that it just sucks

*rum-yeah it took me 4ever to find one that cares i wish my family doc cared

*kim- thanx for that hun it helped and yeah they tested me for celiacs i dont have it but i still cant eat it

*skinnygirl- u have to becareful u will get caught eventually

*skeleton strong- thanx hun yeah i get that now

*nee-lol hope ur doing well

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Anti Anxiety/ Depression Meds

as u gusy know if u read my posts from yesterday i was recently diagnosed with anxiety and depression by my gastro doc and he wants me to talk to my family doc to get meds for both of them. I was just wondering ur guys take on it if ur on them nekind that has like the least side effects. I dont want to b in a haze, dont want decreases sexual appetiate and i dont want weight gain either. i was reading a lil and i think wellbutrin will me the best for depression it has the least amount of side effects and it come in generic too but ive read the generic doesnt wokr as well. i need generic my insurance doesnt cover prescriptions i just get a lil bit o fa discount but the generic ones i get a bigger discount on since i use walmart pharmacy. So i was jsut wondering what the ones u guys were on if u are on ne and urthoughts on them if they work the side effects u have experinced. ima call the family doc on monday i just went and for my bloodwork done for my cholestrol so ima try and get in friday its my day off but i wanna research them as much as possible and fine the best ones for me.

so please opinions conerns suggestions