Saturday, December 31, 2011

Night outfit

We aren't doing anything special since I can't drink he usually just goes out with he's friends but this year we are going out to dinner with a friend of ours I tried to look cute but comfy what do u guys think

New years eve work outfit

Friday, December 30, 2011


I slipped stupid ugh

So I didn't cut last night Thanx everyone for being with me

I've been trying to recover but I just had major slip I just purged my head is pounding heart is racing I fell down after I was down there was blood on my fingers I'm really spiraling once I start going back to that it's bad

Thursday, December 29, 2011

I need to cut

I need to cut I need to cut I need to cut I need the blood pouring out numbing of my body and mind I need it all right now it takes everything the mind numbing please it's been 6 months 6 months cut free I'm trying I'm curled up under my heated blanket crying I hate my life

12/29/11 outfit

Up close and farther away view

Fat ass

2 cheese sticks
Pint coco mint chip ice cream
9 cookies
2 bags frozen mixed veggies

Monday, December 26, 2011

12/26/11 outfit

Wearing this to work so comfy

Sunday, December 25, 2011

I act like a 5 year old

I was playing with my 5 year old cousins art set i did this u like

Christmas outfit


Merry Christmas everyone I hope you a enjoy urselfs try to have fun and leave the disease behind is possible I know it's not possible but I want all my friends to feel ok even if it's just for a minute

Sorry bout my breakdown the other day I'm ok Im going to keep trying to fight this disease life just likes to hit me all at once me and the boy almost broke up last night but we talks well I tried to cause I don't have much of a voice and I was having panic attack took me hours to breathe normal bit we are going to be ok we have a plan well he made a plan for me to help me not with my Ed but with life and getting out of my parents house getting y debt slowly paid off its all going to work out and I have to try and keep taking care of myself he did admit that he knows I'm always going to be sick that he doesn't care bout that as long as I try and some day when I have amazing insurance I can get amazing help

Well happy holiday to everyone i love you all you are all my rocks keep me grounded and I hope that I do the same for u

Saturday, December 24, 2011

Xmas eve work outfit


Hello downward spiral nice to meet u again I really didn't want to meet u again but here we are back in the downward spiral of my eating disorder I know everyone was say I was doing so well with recovery well guess what life changes and mine is fucking falling the fuck apart to many bills no money can't make the boy happy everything is just out of control and I just need to control something and I'm going to spiral nicely considering that I almost bent over the toilet at the restaurant and threw up my meal kept it in only cause I was with the boy but fuck it all anymore never good enough he's gonna leave me probably anyone so what's the point of anything neway meet u at rock bottom everyone

Thursday, December 22, 2011


First I need to give a big shout out to my friend E she sent me this beautiful Xmas gift this amazing really pretty flower scarf and wild scarlet juicy apple and lily body spray from victorias secret i love it so much I really do she's the best an I really wished I had the extra money to send a gift to her too thank u so much E for the thoughtful gift I love u

I give up with work and rude customers don't tell me to talk louder I can't I just can't I have a really bad inflamed throat they were just ride today the managers didn't even let me have a walkie to call for back up instead they said when I need someone to turn the music up then down and that's the signal

Well music time got pandora on my phone love ya all

Today's outfit

Wednesday, December 21, 2011


Hey sorry that this has been turning more into a fashion blog but I just really like sharing my outfits letting people see that u can dress how u want ad it doesn't matter what anyone else says bout u as long as ur comfortable and u like what it wearing then go for it

I am trying to recover idk how much more my body can take of this I've already been diagnosed with anxiety drepression ibs fibromyalgia and esophagitis with polyps c my body is failing me I'm in constant pain I can't wear jeans anymore I go to work in leggings and either dresses or longer shirts my managers know how much pain I'm in and they actually think my outfits are cute

Right now I really don't have a voice my throat has been so inflamed that I can't do anything bout it and I'm getting tired of the customers telling me that I sound bad that I most feel horrible that my managers shouldn't let me ring because of my voice my one manager is getting so fed up with how rude the customers are and she just wants to yell at them and hit them not sick it's my throat the acid kills it and when it gets this way the more talking i do the more I am damaging my throat so everyone can just shove it for all that I care

Now recovery idk it's going ok I guess I posted my measurements and pics a few days ago if u want to check them out I don't think I'm small at all but when have I ever seen myself clearly u know but I've got myself comfortable with eating more in the morning causes know I will burn that off during the day lunch and dinner is still a struggle I usually just have fruit veggies or soup

How is everyone else doing? I haven't been able to read ur blogs since i still don't have a computer but let me know how u guys are doing in a comment here

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

12/20/11 outfit

I'm bringing the leg warmers back

Friday, December 16, 2011

Measurement and progress pic update

Waist-22.5 inches
Hips -28 inches
Thigh-16 inches
Ankle-7 inches
Neck-11.5 inches
Wrist-4.5 inches


Thursday, December 15, 2011

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


So for once in my life the doctor was happy with me that really is a first me and docs just never ever get along so I was shocked when it actually went good

I'm sitting in the Walmart shoe department I've been walking around the store for 45 mins already and I just can't do it anymore so I'm blogging to u from walmart I know weird but hey has to waste time so here I am

Well back to the doctors he was happy he said he was really worried about me last month that he's happy I'm soon better my weight there after all day of eating drinking and in clothes was 103 that's where I was 2 months ago when I went last month I was 98 lbs there this visit my blood pressure was 148/94 weight 103 in staying on my antidepressants and he gave me 2 other scripts as well something to help my stomach the acid and the pain for it doesn't hurt so much and Valium I will only be on the Valium for a month for my muscles relax and my headaches stop

So this is y im in Walmart waiting for my scripts to get done for I can start taking then tonight and hopefully get some sleep

Since im here I got a tape measure and cheap box of cookies I know weird combo I know I just can't wait for my medicines to be done I'm tired chest hurts I just want to lay down and I babysat today from 9-330 I'm exhausted we took a walk ran around had a dance party it was nuts

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Mental breakdown week my head is poundings eyes hurt and are puffy no contacts today I don't want to deal anymore there's no point any way I'm never going to amount to anything I'm never going to have anything I'm just going to be the girl who is in debt who can't feed or hydrate herself right I'm never going to get married or have kids in going to me stuck working part time I'm never going to get ahead in life in always going to struggle I don't blame people for getting tired of me I just give up I can't ever finish Christmas shopping I'm a bad person cause any good person with good intentions would of had it done already so yeah that's it my medical bills are almost in collections there goes my credit I'm really never going to have anything on life

So no more buying myself anything I tried to cancel my amazon order but it was to late so last time buying myself anything I'm even going to cancel my gym membership I don't deserve it not going to grocery shop much just work home job search clean exercise not going to do anything for myself wonder how long my body can go before it gives up

Monday, December 12, 2011


So I didn't get to go to the gym today I ended up babysitting which is a workout all in its own we had a nice dancing and singing party it was fun they are still here have all 3 of them 5 years old 2 years old and 1 years old it my hands full my it's so worth it yes yes yes it is

My day just went to hell got a letter saying that some of my medical bills went in to collections which mean I owe even more a month sucks and since it went to collections there goes my credit I worked hard to get good credit now it is going to hell y can't anything ever go right for me

Sunday, December 11, 2011


So I've so decided that no matter what I'm going to the gym tomorrow I've been eating to much been freaking out I need a good sweaty workout in I know I'm an exercise addict it I admit it never denied it but I need it it keeps me sane

So can my fibromyalgia be good tomorrow can it not b so bad that u can barely move like today work was so hard but like I said that's not going to stop me or the constant pounding headache either that I've had ever since u hit my head on black Friday I take 3-6 ibuprofen a day today I took 9 I know im probably ruining my liver but unless u guys have the chronic pain u have no idea how bad it is how much it hurts how much it affects ur life the everyday things it just affects everything

So change of subject I was actually excited to go to the grocery store today u know y because the had cherries jackpot fuck yes and they were on sale $2.99 a lb instead of the normal $5.99 a lb I got 2 bags duh u guys have no idea how much I like them I could live off of them o and I got 2 of these cute lil snack things I know they r meant for lil kids but o well

Saturday, December 10, 2011


So this is what I'm wearing to work today I'm having a really bad chronic pain day and the thought of wearing jeans and heavy stuff is making me cringe days like this the lighter and the flowier the clothes are the better

Do u guys like or is it too I don't know but this is me how I dress my style

Friday, December 9, 2011

Todays outfit

So here's my outfit I have a picture of the whole outfit and then a closer one of the shirt

I know someone asked for the height before so I will tell u guys in 5'5 and I guess around 98 lbs not sure but that's the last number that I know of let me know what u guys think

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Work outfit

This outfit is just do comfy and warm had to share it. Any guesses on my weight I'm scared of the scale?

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Steps are dangerous

Ooooooooo do I hate steps ugh I start my day out lovely by falling down 2 steps catching my self with my elbow in the bannister it hurts like mother fucker cut it and it hurts to move it so I'm trying not too

I was walking down the steps with my laundry bag in my arm and grapes and tea bag in my hand and I slipped mad like I should of not caught urself just let urself fall u prob wouldn't of shirt urself so bad ugh


I really hate having my period I don't deal well with having it at all my mind goes nuts its been pretty much calm for 3 weeks few freaks out here and there but now it's just a mess I'm bloated it hurts I'm eating choc which I'm beating myself up over ugh this is ridiculous

My medication are working little better I think I did ok the other day went to Barnes and nobles and apple store had my music on at Barnes and nobles but that store keeps me calm neway I was lil anxious at apple store but not as bad as I would of been I'm better at work I can focus and drive my mangers nuts cause my head is clearer which is good but they think I'm on something I'm not I'm just doing ok for once in my life

My doc appt is next week nervous cause I don't want to know my weight and it's 430 in the afternoon so I will have eaten probably come straight from work so I'll have heavier clothes on which scares me and I don't want him to take me off my medication cause he said he would if it wasn't helping the pain yeah it's not helping the pain I get bad headaches everyday and my body just aches but hello I have fibromyalgia it's gonna hurt and there's no generics out there for that yet so yeah I can't afford brand names

I'm just happy my head is a lil calmer and clearer I don't want to lose that I don't want to go back to the way I was before the medication I was a complete mess panic attacks everyday freakouts all the time crying hating myself hurting myself it's not worth it

I've been cut free since the summer I haven't gone that long with out cutting in years I'm proud of myself yes I still get urges but they are getting less and less and I have to look at the scars everyday since my one inner arm is covered from wrist to elbow

I'm trying to recover its hard as fuck trust me I try eating a different food once a week I end up freaking out last week it was a breakfast sandwich it took all my effort to not throw it up I had to keep myself on my bed or I would of run to the bathroom and got rid of it so needless to say noire breakfast sandwiches for a long time I'm just not ready to deal with that it was to much for me

I hope u are all doing well let me know how u are doing in my comments since I can't get to a computer to read ur blogs I've been updating from my phone love ya

Monday, December 5, 2011


So im sitting at Barnes and nobles right now wasting sometime came up to th apple store to get my phone looked up it was an hour wait so wasting time here u love this place books god love them it's killing me being here I want so many books but I only have enough money for one I decided to get "destined" by pc and Kristin cast its the house of night series I have all the other ones so need to have this one of course but ugh I went into the addiction section wanted to get a book on recovery but fuck me they are so expensive ugh can't afford that I we gonna get wasted but read it so many times and I know my friend has it I just need to get it back I wish I could buy all the books that I want but I just can't I'm a broke ass hate it I need a good job

My doc appt got rescheduled it was the 13th in the morning so I didn't have to miss work but yeah they had to love it to the 14th at 430pm so I will have to tell work that I can only work til 4 that day sucks hate missing hours I need all of the money I can get right now

Went over my aunts house on Saturday that's started their Christmas cooking did apple pies I just went to play with the lil ones they make me so happy ate to much junk though she works at just born so yeah lots of goodies yea the littlest one sat on my lap ate a donut had chocolate icing on it and he was using a spoon it was so funny and cute he made a mess he's 1 so yeah a cute mess but I'm happy that I got to c them they really doable everything better

Ha I wore my candy land shirt to work everyone loved it coworkers and customers included I also bought a sweater too it was on sale $8 so had to get it my coworkers even got me to make a twitter account yes I made one it's gets them off my back about not having Facebook twitter isn't bad I can deal with that

Omg I went to target yesterday just to get tostios yeah left with those queso dip gum crackers lemonade mix and 2 bags hershey kisses mint truffle and candy cane omg the candy cane ones are so good and addicting damn

Ok I should stop rambling and getting moving maybe drink some of lemonade I have only had tea so far today I know I should drink a lot more everyone keeps telling me love u all

Friday, December 2, 2011

Date night outfit

The skirt is a girls extra large I love it so cute

Work outfit