Monday, January 31, 2011

1/31/11

so yeah i was suppose to have off today but i ended up getting called into work so i never go tot he gym like i wanted to the one girl calle dout all week ugh annpying so i had to work 11-5 2day and push everything that i wanted to do today back til my next day off which is wednesday i really hate when my plans get messed up im not good with change it bugs me and scares me and annoys me.

i was on register all day today cause iw as covering for the girl that is alays on regester and it was slow as fuck all day so it was really boring me and the other co worker were just standing around alot while everyone else started counting stuff for inventory that they were doing tonite

the one girl waslike shocked though i cam back from mu meal break and shes liek what did u eat andi told her i had a nectarine and some applesauce shes like thats it thats all u ate and ur full im like yeah so idk were that came from like what encouraged her to ask that

my eating has been bad like i just fuckdup now and then the wkd wasnt good at all and mystomach has been hruting constatnly since friday i really have to sotp eating things that make me so sick ugh.

and i wont b able to get tot he gym all week cause i worked today then i work tomm i have off wed and thurs but we are suppsoe to get an ice storm so i prob wont b able to get out and then i work fri and sat. god i really need to get tot he gym im so fat and gross and my stomach sticks out and i feel it jiggle when i walk and its just god so so so fucking gross i hate it god i fuckign hate myself for eating so damn much recently god im never gonna lose weight and get back down to double digits if i keepdoing this ugh.

i did manage to get to the gorcery store and target today spent more money then i wanted to but i needed like essentials at target and fuck deodrant and stuff is just so expensive but food wise buying at least i did good i got

*3 apples
*3 nectaines
*3 peachs
*bananas
*grapes
*2 bags of cherries
*bag of appleslices
*apple sauce
*10 cal juice
*box of generic rice krispu treats
*2 boxes nature vally bars(oats and honey and oats and dark choc)

ok now i need to do crucnhes and get the stomach pain to stop and then ima watch pretty little liars at 8 andi will try and do a thinpso post on my other blog as well later

________________________________________________________________

undesirablenumber1-yes i sat in a bucket i was a werid kid and btw were did ur blog go i wen tto go comment on all ur updates and it says its not there nemore did u delete it or soemthing

unbeautiful- awi m sorry thatu got hurt as well hun

believe-yeah im always exhausted no matter what so yeah im use to it

bestlilskinnybitchintheworld-i love watchitng the olympisc and i watch college gymanstics as well

riahbear-yay for 12

scared blogger- if u give me ur msn address iwill add u on mine then uw ill get apop up and u just add me that way

bree-wow sorry about ur back r u ok now

style- no i dont sorry

Saturday, January 29, 2011

1/29/11



so undesirable number 1 gave me the honesty scrap award thank u very much for that i know my life isnt really interesint but im glad some1 enjoys reading it. ok so i guess that i should do the 10 facts then hmm lets c

1) i use to hate reading like hated it with a passion i only readon book in high that was assigned and that was "of mice and men" every other booth i didnt read and just bullshitted my way thru. i didnt get started into reading until my first semester of college when i had this amzing readin teacher she got me hooked and im so grateful fo rthat now i dont go newhere with out a book

2) my dream job was to go to school for phycis and be an engineer and design rollercoasters. i toook one physic class in high school last semest o fmy senior year and i loved it but by that point i fucked up to much to even think about getting into a school for that and my ed had a hold of me that i woiudlnt b able to go away to school neway so instead i stayed at home when to community college and spent 4 years trying to get my assocaites degree in accounitng management which i did manage to get evneutally

3) i have a very addcitive personality so im easily addicted to things but pain is the most think im adicted to the piercins the tattoos i have 2 tattoos(saving up for a 3rd) an di have 19 peircings.

4) wheni was lil instead of seimming in a pool i use to sit in a bucket filled with water y idk but i guessi thought it was funny that i was that small that i could fit into it yes my parents to have picture proof of it

5) i make my own bracletes and computer backgrounds i wish i was more artistic then that and i wish that i could draw but i cant so i center everything on those 2 things and they keep me calm and my mind distracted

6) i did gymnastics for 8 years and it was my dream at one point to b in the olympics and i think that i would of made it if i didnt fuck up my body so much with injuires

7) im addcited to dinsey moives the old school ones like toy story and beauty and the beast the new animation ones just arent the same at all if u ask me. i also watch the disney channel and nick alot as well

8) i love to sit here and watch the efood network and think of all the food i want but cant have or wont let myself have yes im a mashtics o well

9) ihave never been comfortable in my own skin i feel like i was born at the wrong time n the wrong body in the wrong era even im constantly second guessin gmyself and everyhting that i do i wish i was born int he flapper era for i could wear the cool outfits

10) o and ima huge huge klutz i can trip over nething and i mean nething thin air even i can trip and fall over just walking in flats but surprisinlgy i can walk pretty well in wedges yeah i know weird sense of ballacne there

ok now the 5 ppl that i wanna nominated hmm idk this is gonna b hard so ima do it randomonly then

1) Skeleton Srong
2) Scared Blogger
3) Bree
4) Desepree de maigre(sorry i spelled it wrong)
5) The Best Little Skinny Bitch in the World

well there u have it sorry if my facts arent that intersting im extrememly tired at the moment u know my im alsways exhausted

well date nite went ok last nite i kind pissed him off i ended up getting out of work at 5pm insteadn of 7 since there were slow they let me go ealry and i got hom e relaxed alil read and fixed my hair then i layed down and i was supposeto pick him up at 815 and i dosed off and was late picking him up he was so mad at me and he had every right to b cause it was my fault i shodlnt of let myserlf dose off i shouldo f been there on time i shoudl stop making him mad and pushing him away and stop fucking up i should b perfect for him and make himahppy and keep oour relastionship going

things got better as the nite went on and he calmed down and everything was ok we ende dup going to tgi fridays and our friend tagged along again ugh everytime i wish me and him could just have some alone tme but hes friend came with us. and now to keep the boy happy i eat good with himon firdays i try to push all my ed issues aside and the panic and just let myself eat yeah its hard cause i do freak out alot and the food does hurt like a bitch cause its not use to it and most restruannt food has either some from of glutenor dairy in it and it just killed me but yeah neway i let myself eat with him

he orded mozzy sticks for an apetizer and i had 2 of them i cut them into 3 peices and ate them athat way the flared up my acid reflux bad

and i try to order different things iwth him he gets frstrated if i only order salads all the time so i oreder this new dish called chicken picceta pasta it was really tasty but it hrut like a bitch so so bad my stomach was in knots and it felt like there was rock in it and i was nasoues

then they had this new dessert calle doreo madness its bascailly oreo ice cream sandhwich betwwen 2 soft oreo tops u can get half or doulbe i got half and it was the prefec tprotion

needless to say i was in alot of pain and th food did go right thru me
when we got home we watched a movie "frozen" it was good i hated the ending though but im hard when it comes to endings cause i hate to c things end but moives have to end but it doesnt mean that i have to like it

well neay im done rambling its 8am and i have been up sicne 5am i had 3 fries anda few bites of left over dinner form last nite which went right thru me again and now i just had some rice cakes and aliter of water ima get changed adn go to the gym get alil workout in and then ocme home and crash for alil until i have to go to work at 4

_______________________________________________________
scared blogger-i ansered ur questions in the response to ur blog but htank u so much for following

undesriable number one- i got the shirt form kohls and the sweater from old navy

bestlilskinnybitchintheworld- i will prob never ever b fully happy wiht myself but thanx hun yeah ih ate binging cycles they fuck up everyitng

Friday, January 28, 2011

1/28/11

guess who gained againg yup thats me i am now 107 lbs ugh i hate taht im stuck in this binge cycle i hate it but only i can get msyelf out ofit and i will now more buying ne tempting food, i gotta stop eating the gluten an ddairy that makes me sick and makes it feel like there is a damn rock in my stomach

i thru out the rest of my gluten free bread(only had 2 slices left so not to bad), the turkey lunchmeant, oneslice of vegan cheese, and some fruit that went bad. so now all i go tin my fridge is 3 mangos, some cherries, container of carrots, apple sauce, and jello. i do setill have soup tuna and rice cakes and stuff like that as well but ima try and do fruit as much as i can which shoudlnt b hard sicne i love fruit

thanx undesriable number 1 for the hunest scrap away i will def do the 10 facts on my next post since i have ot get to work and have no time at the moment

but heres teh outfit for today


Thursday, January 27, 2011

1/27/11

so i was snowed in today we got between 11-14 inches of snow they arent sure exaclty how much but its in the range its a good thing that i didnt have to go to work today cause i would of never been able to mak eit in my car was snowed in.

i got up at 8am this omring and automatically went outside to clean off my car it took me about 40 minutes to do it yup i cleaned off my car and shovled just a lil but i was just so numb and frozen my fingers were swollen i dont do well inthe cold at all. my dad had to come and snow blowa roud my car for im able to get out tomm for work. then my bro sepnt 4 hours snowblowing and cleaning off the side walk and int he back were my parents park. i hate snow im really gettingisck of it and we are suppose to get another inch tomm and thena possible another 2 on sat and then we have another big snow storm coming tuesday and wed ugh fucking winter it needs to stop already

but these are pics of my back yard





had the kids today as well from 10am to 530pm yes a longer day then normal and im exhasuted from it but i love them. N was really fussy and squirmy today so he didnt wanna sit still so had to carry him around alot but i didnt get to lay on the couch for an hour with him sleeping on my chest. i took P outside to paly int he snwo we were out there for an hour we built a snowman and we had a snowball fight well a lil one and made a snow angel and then she had fun pushing me over into the snow my back is a lil sore form that. but my fingers are finally not swollen nemore and my toes arent numb but it made her happy so it was so worth it. me and b just played alot we colored and ran away and had tickly fights its hard to say exaclty everythign that me and the munchins do all day cause we just play alot
heres the snowman we made





i suck eating wise today like majorily it was way to muchjunk and i hatemyself for it i just kept snacking a lil and i never acutally ate a full or realy meal just snacked and of course it was all junk i was planning on making a good dinner of grilled chicken and a small baked potato for i had some nutritin today but i cant my dads home an di dont cook when hes home cuase hes always on my case bout what i eat always wahtu makking o dont eat that or that to much carbs or sodiuma nd shit so ididnt make that dinner i just had a few grapes and cherries that ih ad in my fridge in my room.

i did clean my room a lil today i finally folde dmy laundry and i cleaned up the mess also go some crunches in as well

ugh nomatter if i sleep or not im still so exhasuted like no mattter what ij ust feel so run down and beat and tired even eating more isnt helping it so fuck it im not gonna eat more if its not gonna help me funcstion more so yeah no more of that extra food thing.

im still fat and gross and huge and i hate myself for it c u guysare gonna hateme for this but my natural weight is between 105-110 lbs and i try to keep myself under that i would love double digits i really need to get there again. yes im one of those annoying skinny girls but i was born so early that my weight is gonna b lower hence y doc never cares about my weight but yeah i hate being between those numbers they just scare me so much ugh

_______________________________________________
amy- u will get t hat skinny and u will get the flat stomach u just have to b storng

thamothaload-um yeah ur right u dont knwo me whic is fine but nuttin neone can say or do weill make me c myself differently ive been this way for so long its just whot i am but thanx for caring

mich-yes yes yes we can do it again

desperee-ij ust wish that my stomach was smaller and flatter and ugh but yeah im in fromthe snow well i was out in it just didnt drive hate thiss now

undesirablenumber1-well ive been self harming for awahile now and thanx for caring hun but turst me no1 cares that i do it yeah i gotta do better with eating i was in binge mood there for awhile

riahbear-i dont c myself as strong hun but thanx

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

1/26/11

y o y am i such a fat ass disguisting motherfucking cow like y y cant i just b this tiny lil fragile breakable thing instead of a cow

my sotamch bulges out now i have an acutal bump i hate that bump i dont want that bump nemore
my thighs are huge like huge when did they get so huge like fuck did i miss something
my back fat is just getting worse and worse liek i can feel get getting worse and pilling on as i lay here
the space between my legs isnt big at all nemore it use to b a big space now its bacailly like nuttin
wehre are my ribs and myhib bones and my spine

i want all my bones out all of that i need them out visible out i need to c them to c that they are there
i gotta stop eating like a fucking ass pig im not a pig i dont wanna b a ppig i wanna b gtiny and breakable idc nemore if my chest hurts and my hearts go crazy i gotta get my eating done need to look amazing and great and tiny and perfect im trappe din this huge ass fat body and i hate it

the scale still said 106 this morning 106 fuckign 106 wtf is that i hate that fucking number its giving me nightmares

i hatemy life i hate me fat gross ugle self ugh

________________________________________________

mich- i get isck of snow cause its so cold and im already cold so the cold just makes it way wrose for me

undesirablenumber1- wait y ar eu worreid about me?

sarah-thanx hun

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

1/25/11

god im so exhasuted the fuckign beat ugh hate my body i tried to acutally get more sleep last nite but since i crashed sunday nite i coudlnt really sleep much alst nite and i keot getting lil stabbing chest pains makes it a lil harder to sleep

and im pale as fuck like even paler then nomral i need a tan ij ust wanna lay ina tanning bed and soak up the vitamin d i need to find a new salon. the bagsunder my eyes are huge and a lil yellow u know that like sick eye look yeah thats me
i did laundry yesteray and i have yet o fold ti thats how tiredi am i washed and dried it and put it back in the basket but just havent folded it o well i will get to that eventaully

work was so tiring today it was shipment day so yeah alot of putting things out and opneing things and then having to urn back and forth to the register i worked 6 hours so i hwas on my feet for 5 and half i get a 30 min meal break

god my one manager is so annoying always bugging me about getting ppls emails and having them sign up for cards he makesme feel so useless cause i dont get ppl butim always not gonna bug them and b annpying its just not who i am and if ppl dont wanna sign up they arent fuck its a month after xmas ppl dont have money

tomm i work 10-4 the stomr is suppose to start who knows when they are sayign al il in the morning then the worst after 5pm but they dont know but now they are saying we are gonna get mostly snow and thensome ice whatever iw iwll just c how it is tomm.

i cut yesterday as well yup im make to doing that more often again but i didn my lower somtach next to hip bone and some on my wrist ugh hate myself fo it but everyhting was so out of contorl yesterday that it just amde everything calm and ok

i stopped after work and picked up dinner cause i didnt feel like dealing with my dad sayign i shoudlnt make that or eat this or thats too many carbs or justhooving over me so i took thatout and went and got osemthing i got a medium chicken pot pie soup( i know the cals are prob thru the roof but i was so cold and so tired and thats what i really wanted so i got it) and a small side salad with tomtats hot peppers cucumbers and pickles(i ate abouthalf)

so im just alying here right now dirnking some green tea iim watch the new OTH at 8 i cant wait i should do curnches at some point tonite

o im taking the jillians micheals detox and cleanse pills i started them on sat idk if they are hleping me lose weight but they are heloing the bowl movements i got every morning and its not painful like itusually is for me(yeah i got alot of stomach issues)

food log

b
*half bowl of oatmeal-75
*grapes
*green tea
*water

l
*applesauce-80
*2 cups light juuice-20

d
*medium chicken pot pie soup
*garden side salad(ate half)
*green tea
*water

______________________________________________________

skeleton strong-thanx hun i was proud of myself as wellthe thing is yes i was full but the sotmach pain swasnt from that i have a fucked up stoamch and i get sharp stabbing shooting pains thru it it was nutting to do with fullness idk y i get it
but when i do get to full water does help me as well cause u piss alot and flush it all out

bree-i love walking its to cold here to walk thought atm

Monday, January 24, 2011

1/24/11

so i relaly dont have much to say today
ive been bad really bad i bigned today but iwas good and didnt purge i wanted to but i made myself stay sitted in front of my computer for an hour not moving at all
my stoamch hurts so bad like the pain is ridc and im sure its cause of all the food and then the food that makes me sick on top of that but it started out as just a stabbing pain on the right side under my ribs like the pain that makes u doulbe over grabbign ur stomach and struggling to breathe adn then it felt like my stomach was on fire like it was being torn out from the insdie and it traveleed up to my ribs and my chest i finally got the pain to go down it still hurts but its managable now thank god

but i drank alot of fluids after my binge 2 liters of water, cup of juice(its 10 cals so it was 20 cals for my big cup) and a mug of green tea i havent eaten enthing since though and the binge was at 1pm

but i have deicded that i really need to stop this bingning crap it just fucks with my head more thent eh straving does so yeah no more binging on the dasy i work it will b better instead o brining like a meal with me on my meal breaks i will just bring some applesauce and juice enough to keep me from passing out but always not enough to make me gain and it will keep ppl at work off my back cause i will b eating so they cant say enthing about that then

i went to the gym again today cause i wont b ablet o get there til idk when i work tomm and wed and we got the snow storm coming and idk if i babysit on thurs or not and idk how the wkd will go so yeah i went today

new moon was the movie of the day so i wathced that as i was working out i did 65 mins on elly the around the world hill workout level 6 i burned 478 cals

ok im off to watch pretty little liars and let my mind relax i acutally got some sleep last nite my body finally gave in cause it was so exhacusted

i made 12 new computer backgrounds they are on my thinpso blog so go check them out

________________________________________________
believexx-yeah a treat is good but binigng = bad ugh but thanx hun

riahbear-thanx hunnny

skeleton strong-yeah hes always engouraging me to eat or getting made about it or soemthing he hates my ed and god the pain was bad but todays pain was worse and im good with pain i like pain it makes me feel alive i kno wim weird

marshsara-thanx hun i try to dress differently then others cause i dont like to b the same

mich-yes chilis is the evil restraunte

Sunday, January 23, 2011

1/23/10

i guess that i should update u guys on how my wkd went

heres the outfit that i wore friday nite




friday nite we ended up going to chilis it was just suppose to b the 2 of us but hes friend decided to invite himself he does that alot the times that we do invite him he doesnt come but then when we wanna just b us he ocmes but hes a good friend and helps with nething we do so we cant really mad at him or nehting like that

the boy said this was my bday dinner since my bday was on tuesday so i should eat good and not worry about nething cause everythig is gonna b ok so i did i ate for him.
he got an appetizer of the chili cheese fries and all 3 of us shared that yes i did have some
then my meal was the cajun penne pasta i ate almost half of it

no matter what i got there it would hurt cuse everyhtign on the menu would upset eithe rmy stomach id either get nasouse or it would flare up my acid reflux so yeahi was fucked neway

i wasnt gonna get dinner but hes like u have to considering it ur bday cake since ur parents didnt make u nething so i ordered the white choc molten cake and hes fried shared it with me thank god i didnt have to eat all of it on my own.

guys u have no idea how much pain i was in after that my chest was killing my my heart was beating crazy cause it was wrokign way to hard and my stomach was in knots with constant stabbing pain it hurt so damn bad u have no idea.

once we got him well hes friend came back with us for a lil i sat there dirnking some gingerale then layign htere curlingup in the ball. hes friend left eventually and teh boy just help me for awhile cause it just hurt so bad but we havent seen each other in a week and i coudlnt go another week witho ut sex so i sucked up the pain and burned so cals :)

Saturday i had to work 10-4pm and i still wasnt feeling well at all my stomach still hurt it was horribly bloated and my chest just hurt an di was nasoues and not to mentions fucking exhausted cause ive barely been sleeping but i amanged to amke it thru my 6 hour shift idk how cause i was so out of it between the pain and the exhaustion. they wanted me to go home a lil thencome back and work a 2nd shift to close the store caue they fucked up and didnt schedule enough ppl to close yeah not my problem i told them tha ti was busy and that i ccoulnt

i went to the gym after i needed some workout time i did 65 mins on elly burnt 437 cals
after that i went to target the boy convinced me that i shoudl spurlge onmyself and get my hair done a good cut and color so i went and bought some hair mags. i sitll havent decided on a cut yet but i did decide ona color well its multi tonal heres the pic what do u guys think sorry if the quality is bad i took it with my phone




i have to yet deicde on a cut yet im working on it
the boy came over sat nite after the bar and he was hugnry so we went to sonic it just opened here like a month ago an di was gonna get a oreo sonic balst for he would b happy but they woudlnt make it for me cause it was so late so i just shared some of hes fries and mozzy sticks with him

he noticed how tired i was cause ir eally ahvent been sleeping much at all so he just held me and let me sleep i only ever sleep good when he is here so it was nice to get some sleep

now that brings us to today nowork yay its fuckign freezing thoughi m tired of the cold allthe time i cant wait for summer htough

but i went grocery shopping with my mom since i went with her i cuodlnt wear my ipod so my chest was huritng alot from being overwhjelmed and being around all those ppl but i tried to keep talking to her for i coudl keep myself distracted

we went to the couple places and i got
*pack of vegan cheese
*low sodium turkey lunchmeat(had a craving_
*sour jelly beans(so good)
*fat free rainbow sherbert
*bag of grapes
*bag of cherries
*3 mangos
*slices almonds
*rice cakes
*3 bags of frozen veggies
*applesauce

i did evneutally get tot he gym of course i did my 65 mins of elly andthis time i burned 463 cals
my eating has been ok not great but not horrible either but i do gotta work on it
ok ima got make cup of green tea and grab another bottle of wate and then ima make some computer backgrounds once they are done i will post them on my other blog

________________________________________________________

riahbear- iwant it a decent size but not overly big if that makes ne sense but iwant it to start between my shoulder blades and then go from there

undesirbale number 1- the words are "someday we will break free from these chains and keep on flying" wow ur new one soudns great

nan-thanx hun i was thinking between the 300-400 buck range so i was close

Friday, January 21, 2011

tat design

so i spent all mornint doing this and its still not done got some more cleaning up and tweaking to do but i figured u guys would want to c it
i want it on my upper back between shouler blades or on them going acorss it depends on how they can fit it.
does ne1 have ne idea how much this is gonna cost me? i need to know fori can start saving up




i will post latermy outfit for date nite
i gotta paint my nails now though ijust cleaned up my room al il and ive been readin alot too but barely sleeping thanx to my depression kicking some mahor ass
o and thers another 5 inches of snow outside fucking winter

____________________________________________________________

bree-yeah i wanna get another one im so pprud of u for gettign help and tyring to b healhtier thats a great and big deal and iwill def follow ur blog

needlesedge-thanx

frozen beautiful- its far from perfect put thanx hun

undesirablenumber1- oo what is ur next one going to b? and how many do u have already? well they said they would help witho ut insurance but it was like 200 bucks or so and i coulnt afford that and if i wanted to do sliding scale i would have to wait 6 months so yeah i wanted the hehlp then i dont want it now. and got all of them off a eating disorder treatment website like they specialize in that

brittany ann-yes c u descirbie in away that i coudlnt but thats what im doing

mich-yeah they are always so happy to c me

my tattoos

so im sitting here mind going a mile a minute waiting for my software to download for i can design the tatoo i have had in my head for while now so i wanna get it downo n paper for i can eventually get it done

but neway i took pics of the 2 i already have thought u guys mght want to c

here is the one thats on my lower stomach next to my hip




lower back sorry i was laying at a werid angel for that one




and sorry for posting so much today my mind has been all over the place and i try to make sense of it

Thursday, January 20, 2011

1/20/11

im fucking exhausted those lil muncins know as my cousins take alot out of me u have no idea it just seemed like today they took even more out of me and it doesnt help that i was already emotionally drained from the nite b4

but yeah i had them from about 10-3pm played adn took ccare of them the hole time
love them so much
lets c me and P colored together and wrestled and did some races, i took care of N most of them time i have no idea how many times i walked up and downt the hall holding him or just standing and swaying back and forth he doesn tlike to sit still for to long and then me and B we just generally played everytime i walked outof the room he would come right after me he wanted to b held and walked alot as well event hough he can walk
at one paoint i had p on one side b on the other me in the middle ucdlded up together coloring in coloirng books and n nappingon the floor cutest thing ever

food log for today

b
*24 oz hot green tea

snacks with kids
*bread crusts-50
*1 chips ahoy chewy cookie-60
*1 ritz cracker-16
*3 jelly beans-12

s(after they left)
*chips-150
*fruit snack-80

d
*piece of grilled chicken-120
*cup of tuscan style veggies-50
*1/2 cup fried potaotes-100(over estimating a lil)

drinks
*liter of water
*mug of orange tea

my exercise was just taking care and playing with the kids all day and then some crunches

i just wanna say soemthing and if ppl tihnk im a btich for it then wahtever i dont give a fuck nemore first i know my emotions are all over the place ih ave my ups and doesn adn inbetweens just like everyone else but ina a wasy im not like everyone else. i cant just get help if i want it cause 1) imnot that kinda person to reach out and b) what makes ppl tink that i havent tried in the past.

i have tried numerious occasions and look were that has gotten me yes im a mess and yes my weigh tis not the most stalbe but it never has been i should of been hospitalized on at least one occasion there are prob more but i wasnt. im not diangosed with nething my docs dont think twice about my weight cause it has always been low they dont know aobu tmy anxiet my panic attacks my depression my insomnia all they care about ism y fucking high cholestorl and blood pressure which no matter what i fucking do i cant get it down

i reach out last summer for help to a bunch of ppl and u know what i got runted down or ignored by all of them iemailed so many therapist telling them what i suffer form and everything and asking for help u know what some didnt even answer me at all just ignored it. some wouldnt help me unless i had insurance so they blew me off and said no insurance no help, one said i had to many issues that i was too messed up for help and one wouldnt help me unless i was hospitalzed first.

so my only way to get help is to get tot hat breaking point werem y body just gives out were it hasnuttin left to get to wind up in the hopstial cause i wont walk in on my won once i get there then ppl will c that im sick that i have a problem then they will want to help but until then im just stuck int his in between palce with all the thoughts ans voices swiraling around in my head making me fucking crazy so fuckign crazy no1 knows how it is in my head just like idk how it is in ur head everyone is differnt everyoens ed is different at different stages at serve or moderate or not sick or idk what the fuck nemore.

oo and my other blog its not just gonna b thinpso its pretty much an outlet for me ihave troulbe expresing my self in worlds so theis will b my creative outlet artisitc way of letting it all out

wonder and thoughts

do u ever wonder how much more our bodies can take like what is the breaking point going to b how much farther can we push them till enough is enough and they give up on us



i think that i wanna know how much more mine can take how much farther i can push it and keep pushing it til thers nuttin left to give or to push nuthing left to fight for til it gives up on me



mayb if it gives up on me maybe if i push it so hard i can get to that point and some1 will finally help me i can let this go i want it to b over the pain the suffereing the loneliness the depression that constan heading spinning thoughts the blackout the spins the loss of concentration all of it



so hmm something to think about like really what is turley andhoenslty the breaking point of our bodies how much can we destroy them till they have nuttitn left to give

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

1/19/11

hey guys i made another blog well a second one really. its just a blog for thinpso and my art when i get around to making it again just like a creative outlet u know what i mean i am still keeping this one ofr my ramblings on my life and ed and just everything but the other one is just for thinspo and creative sutff so check it out i did my first post today i just ahve to work out the template and everything the design will do that later though

o yeah heres the link http://danisthinspoandsuch.blogspot.comi will also put the link on the side of this blog as well

so i worked from 10-4pm today and 4 of hose hours were spent cleaning an di mean really cleaning from 10-2pm. once a year the store does this big cleaning like a spring cleaning kind of thing that happesn after the year found that out today
so yeah since im was on register i was in charge of cleaning everything there.
i had to pull out everying out of the cabinets and cubby holes and vacumm all the dust out then put everything back, clean the counters and register, climb the ladder a millin and one times and vaccum the lights aboe register and signs. it was alot of wokr and it took me forever i most of climbed the ladder like over 20 times up and down up and down and then pulling the big ass vaccum awound and yeah ima have bruises on my knees cause i had to b on them to clean the lower shelves. idk how many cals i exaclty burned doing that cause really im just to tired to figure it out and to do the research on it.

my one manager asked me if i was ocd cause i guess i was doing seomthing werid idk im like yeah sorry shes like dont apoloigze but this is a good task for u then. adn then later int he day she had to get some1 up to cover register for i coudl go on my meal break and shes like u have to watch the register we need to let her eat sometimes.. ugh yes i get it u all think im too ksinny but in all reality im to skinny not at all gotta lose at least 10 lbs fuckign ppl

after work i went to target i was planning on jjust getting a flash drive yeah that didnt work out to well. i did get my flash drive but also go the dvd "remember me"(me and my manager started watching it on our bread at work) and 2 eye maeup thingys. i want the new vogue to come out already i keep chekcing but its not out yet.

ugh i had to go out to eat with my parents and bro today which was werid cause we never do faimly stuff together never really had but me and teh boy got them agift card to red robin and they went tonite and diecided to take me and bro with them i shared some fries with my mom then had a lil of my apple harvest chicken salald no cheese dressing on the side. i could of said no to going but then i would of been home alone and when im alone thats when im nore then likely to binge and purge and i didnt wanna do that so i went out with them

i have my lil cousins tomm yay and i have off so i cant wait to spend some good quailty time with them i miss them so much
and o not surpisnlgy another snot storm ugh its suppsoe to b thursday nite into friday and we coudnt get 2-4 inches to 3-6 inches they arent sure yet ugh i wanted to go to the gym on friday but if its all snowy i wont b able to go y is the universe against me wtf ya i wanna go and workout and sweat and burn caloires and fat away.

i ended up eating more then i wanted to yesterday ugh but i worked out yesterday did an hour of crucnhes borken up thru the day, hour of air bike and hour of joggin in place.

my emotions are all over the palce lately alst nite while watching teen mom 2 i cried like tears ocming out of the eys crying ijust felt so bad fo r leah and her baby and i cried ugh fucking emotions also cut last nite too they arent deep just a bunch of lil shallow ones on my wrist its like one big red blob ugh.

so im wathicng bones right now i think i might acutally lay down and watch it im exhasted all that cleaning did it for me

food log

b
*mug of orange tea
*water
*few spoons cake icicng
*cup of cantalope

l
*1 tbsp 40 spices hummes
*sandwhich bag of carrots and celery mixutre
*water

d
red robin
*1/2 of my apple harvest chciken salad no cheese dressing on the side
*shared fries with mom

__________________________________________________________

than k u all for the bday wishes u are all the best undesirable number 1, barbies and bones, desepree,lou, mich, broken, anonymous, riahbear, helen, lorna, scareltt, alice-k, and misspigg3rs. u all made me feel so happy and great put a smile on my face

riahbear-yeah i have msn its danirkt@hotmail.com

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

happy birthday to me

yup its my bday today but to me its really just another day butm y family likes to txt and call and say/sing happy birthday so im 25 today idk how i survived 25 years when i wansnt even suppose to survive birth but hey im here and still kicking still think i will die young though but we will wait and c

so i keep getting those i love u stay safe today our lil miralce baby txts from my aunts whihc is fine but its every year ur our miralce yes i guess i am
so yeah sotry behind that i was born early 3 months ealry to b exact i weight 1 lb 13 ounces and i wasnt supposet o survive my twin didnt survive(yes i have a twin she died at birth) but i did survie but i was so lil i was in hopsital for 3 months on all this machines heart monitor breaking monitor/breathing machine/ feeding tube i was even on the breathing and heart one when i came home so yes i guess i am a miralce cause ihave survived this long

my one autn still tells the story about when she came over to watch me one time fo rmy parents could go out and how i scared the crap out of her cause seh would consntaly check to c if i was still breathing so she didnt have to check but shes paranoid cause wheni would stop breathing the machine would make noise for they would know and then like tickle my feet or soemthing they had to do soemthing weird idr what it was but yeah she still tells that story alot ha gotta love her

my dad still hites my back when i start coughing to much its how they taught him when i was lil to help me breathe so when i have a couhging fit now he does it and it does help and no caffeien for me cause of my heart, ih ave really weak bones um yeah other issues as well from being born so early

then u addin the afffect form the ed yeah im a mess but u guys c y the doc doesnt think nehting is wrong cause im at a low weight when ur born that lil they kinda expect u to b small so they never think nething is wrong well hes on my cause about choclestorl and blood pressure and stuff but never about my weight or my heart or my lungs

yeah sorry rant but neway my birthday is today im 25 wow quarter of a life down damn and i havent really accomplished nething but i will change that eventually i guess

the plan for today was to go to the gym and do a 2 hour workout then go and buy myself alil mini ice cream cake and have some but the weather intervined snow and then ice and rain thenmore ice so yeah its a mess outside soi havent left the house at all tis for the best cause that ice cream cake would of kille dmy somtach to no end i avoid dairy and gluten as much as i can well gluten more then dairy that hurts more

my mom so on dr oz or osme shit this remmbdy for heartburn so she made me drink it it was half cup of water with a tsp of baking powder it didnt taste to good shes like u can drink it up to 3 times a day but not more cause they said nemore then 3 times a day is bad yes ok ma i get it.

so i finsished my ahir :) i have pics paost them alil farther down i promise so that took awhiel to do cause had to put the hightlites in and then wait ended up leaving themin longer then the obx said but i got distracted so yeah then a shower and drying it and staigten it and the then pics so yeah thats down heres the pics of it i got 2 front view , 1 bakc view, and 2 seperate side views i didn my tips a lil as well and dont mind my ugly ass fat face there ugh gross
so pics






ok so so far today i had al il cake icing(yes i eat cake icing right out of the can i have always done that cause i dont want the cake i just want the icing my family doesnt even tink its weird nemore so if u do o well), bottle of water, and 2 mugs caffeine free tea(1 green tea, 1 orange tea)

plan for the rest of the day is to make myself a good lunch something i really want since hey its my bday i can do that and sicne my mom wont cook me nething neway so im thinking a veggie burger with one slice of gluten free bread toasted and then seomf fries baked in the oven.

then going to just relax read watch tv def workout a lil and if i really need soething later i can have some veggies dipped in my new hummes i got o and def more tea and water as well

so yeah one more point and then i got some thinspo for u guys.
i was talking to the boy last nite an di mentioned taht i wanted slatines but i coudlnt eat them since there is wheat in them hes well thats just up ur alley then u cant eat u like not eating im like ah ur funny thanx hes like we will go to chillis on friday

yeah so he makes comments sometimes bout my ed yes he knows yes he has a hard time with it yes he tinkis i can get over it no i cant get over it but neway i like chillis we dont go there much cuase its farther away but yeah so ima go ont he webiste later and look at the menu try and find soemthing that will make him ahppy and that wont fucking wreck my stoamch

ok thinspo time then im done ha sorry long post forgive me guys









Monday, January 17, 2011

1/17/10

sorry for not updating yesterday i really am going to try and update everyday but its just hard cause somedays im jsut so tired adn warn out that ijust cant even thinking about typing but i make sure i at least read ur blogs i love the ones a follow and i make sure iread them everyday

so yesterday i worked from 11-630pm i was scheudled on register the hole day the only time i wasnt on register was when i had my 30 min meal break i didnt even get an hour shift in the fitting room we all usually are scheudled 1 hour in there everytime we work but i wasnt and either was the other girl we were on register the hole day and everyone else did idk whatever they did. the managers are all on this kick were we have to get more store credit cards which is find yes buti m not gonng bug them i always ask if they have one if they say no i ask if they would like to open one if they say no then i leave it at that im not gonna b one of those annoying ppl who just wont shut up cause i hate that andim sure alot of other ppl hate that as well i didnt manage to get one ppl to open one though

but neway i had like the hugest headache ever yesterday and icoudlnt get rid of it i even ate more in hopes that it would stop and it wouldnt so iended up passsing out early thats y ididnt update but i slept like 2 hours and then justl ike tossed and turned the rest of the nite but no headahce today yay me.

its so damn cold here i hate it and ihad runnign around to do today so it just sucked going in and out of places and then bam blast of cold ass fucking cold ugh i hate it thats new jersey for u though and app we are suppose to get an ice storm tomm or an ice snow combo that new jersey is so fond of so idk if i will b able to get my h our workout in at the gym tomm if i cant iw ill def work out at home to at least help it all.

so yesteerday i was 104.4 i didnt weight today well i did i stepped on the scale at the gym i had on my workout clohtes and my shoes and ijust atem y breakfast and had some water and a mug of tea. now the scale at the gymi snt digits well it use to b but they got a new one as a xmas present for all of us its liek the old school doc scales were u stand on it and u move the weights til u get the lever thing to balacne out int he middle and its said 107.soemthing it was one line away from 108 so im guessing im still around the 104 range. i did step ont he scale today after my shower which was after breakfast my workout and my snacking thru out the day and that said 106 so im pretty pretty sure im still at 104 ish i cant wait to get back to double digits again.

so i was changing after the gym getting out of my sweaty clohtes into sweats and a long sleeve shirt and sweatshirt for i coudl do my runnign around i took my ipod off which si rare but um there were 2 other ppl in the locker room 2 girls guessing they ere friends but the one girl stepped on teh scale with her shoes and clothes cause there were gettign ready to leave. and i hear them talking as they walk out and her firend is like dotn b down its a healthy weight its perfect for ur height and she said that a few times i guess the other gilr was complaining well i took a look at the scale when i was leaving and ti said the girl was 125 lbs so yeah shes not happy with that at all

so yeah i got my runnign around down went to target home depot and teh grocery store.
at target i just went to c if the new vogue was out yet its not so i bought 2 new nailpolishs some headbands and hair dye yeah im restless wit my hair already.

at home depto i was bad yeah i suffer with self harm we all know that an di went int here to buy more razors that i use and yes i got them and yes i used the self check but no i havent used them yet

i just went to the gorcery sotre to get a few things ended up elaving with a lil more then i wanted but all healthy
*2 bags of frozen fries(mom asked me to pick them up for her)
*loaf of gluten free brean(so fuckng expensive for al il loaf ugh)
*2 bags fo baby carrots(on sale 2 for $3)
*2 bags of celelry hearts(on sale 2 for $4)
*bag of pre sliced green apples
*bag of grapes
*bag of roman hearts lettuce
*hummos 40 spices flavor
*mini rice cakes apple cinnaom flavor
*oatmeal blue berry muffin (wanted to try a new flavor and its 150 cals i can live with that)

when i got home from my running around at the kitch table and organizeda ll my stuff i but all my fruits in sepertea c thru containers so i got a container of grapes, contaner of apple slices, 2 conatainers of baby carrots and a container of cerely slices.

i also cut up my canatlope that i bought last weel yeah that fucker was mean ended up cutting my finger a nice slice its right by my nail as well yeah i did that around like pm amyb alil later and teh fucker si still bleeding its not a long cut but im on like my 4th bandaide of 5th idk but everytime i change it its sitll bleenign and it bleeds out form the cut under my side of my nails an dunder the top of my nail just fucking lovely ijust keep changing it and putting pressure on it.

so i decided that the meal paln i made up just wasnt working of rme i cant write up a hole week of meals cause i cahng emy mind and realize that i really dont want that yes im one of those weird ones who craves differn things and auctally eats what she craves im also werider cause ive alwasy craved like fruits or veggies or salads iv ebeen like that for ever i would go fomr fruits over like a candy bar neday now yes i do have my choc cravings and im addicted to cake icing(i do let myself have that) buti try and avoid the choc as mcuh as possible manly cause it does make me sick ha good point there i know but im pretty at giving myself a set cals that i can have up too and tyring to figure out whatiw anna eat the nite b4 and then tweaking it when i wake up so ima stick to that i figured up to 1000 cals is best but id prefer 800 or less but i still ahve to exercise in some way everyday which isnt hard for me since im like addcited to exercise

ok pic time here is my firdge with my containers all oragniaxed and shit ha i knwo m crazy u can say it




and then the hair now i got teh dye that is a comb the color and then the highlights ijust did the color today ima do the highlites tomm its loreal couleur experete cherry chocolate mousse with darkest mahogany brown hightlites heres just the plain color one with my ahir down and other with it up it doesn tlool much different hent he color i had b4 but im sure the highlights will help alot when i do them tomm





my mom always gave me my bday present early well only a day early sicne my bday is tomm she asked waht i wanted i said that i didnt care so she was gonna get my a shirt or jeans but then i thought and i told her i really wanted another blanket since im always cold in my room and the comforter i have doesnt keep me that warm so she got me this king size pluish fuzzy blanket omg its so warm and comfy and fuzzy i love it os much its like a light brown tan color she said they had red but it was only for a tiwn bed so she got me a brown cause it was bigger yes go mom :) i cant wait to use it tonite

ok food log

b
*bowl of oatmeal low sugar maple and brown sugar-120
*one slice of gluten free bread toasted with lil vegan butter-90
*handful of twizzler bites
*mug of tea
*water

snacks thru out day( idint aucatlly eat lunch sicne i was running around
*fruit bar-45
*13 minin rice cakes apple cinnaomin-110
*1 chips ahowy chey cookie
*few spoons cake icing
*1 bite cantalope
*1 apple slice
*liter of water

exercise
*65mins elly level6- 464 cals burned
*65 mins elly around the worl hill owrkout level6- 435 cals burned

i havent had dinner yet but im planning on making my self ncie salad- 6 romaine heart leaves(20), a few gerkein picles cut up and a few cherry tomatos cut up-pickles(0) tomatoes(?) lil vegan cheese(50), can of white albacore tuna(120) i will prob use a lil vegan mayo in my tuna then a few spritz of my vinageratte dressing.
b4 bed i might have 2 vegan cookies i gotta eat them b4 they go bad i forze some of them but kept some of them out

ok love u all gonna clean my room alil then wather the rerun of pretty little liars at 7 then the new one at 8 love that show

o and congrats to everyone who one that award thingy that is going around all ur blogs are great and u def deserved it
k love u all

________________________________________
broken-thanx hun

undesirablenumber1-yes i know they jack up the prices caues they know the ppl that need it that cant have the nomral price will ahve to pay it ugh assholes

scarlet-thanx hunny

lorna-thanx hunny i love plans as well keep me oragnized and everything and thanx for th eoutfit comment an dim not sure if there is nething else i can take that was the only thing i heard of that u can get with out a prescrition im glad the that website is doing well for u i love it as well def a lifesaver

stfusarah-aww thanx hun i dont think im tiny but thanx neway love u as well

needlesedge-aw thanx i like my outifts as well gotta b different.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

1/15/10

so my head has been such a jumlbe fucked up mess lately and idk what to do nemore i hate this ed but its a part of me and something that i will never b able to totally get rid of there isnt some magical cure for it like some ppl think and im not weak minded or self pitting myself either its somemthing thati have to deal with

but in order to try and find a balace between it and nomral and still lose weight and try to save my relationship with the boy i came up with a paln well i just wrote down my meal plan an dexercise plan for th eweek

here it is

sun(1/16)
*work 11-630

b-apples and caramel
l(meal break)-cup of veggie soup and carrots
d-1/2 cup mac salad and celery
s(b4 bed) jell0 cup and 1 vegan cookie

exercise
*walking at work
*crunches

mon(1/17)

b-oatmeal
l-1/2 cup vegan mac salad and 10 cherries
s-apple and carrots
d-can white alabacore tuna and 1 rice cake
s-jell0 cup

exercise
*2 hours at gym
*crunches

tues(1/18)-my bday

b-oatmeal
l-cup of soup and cup of canatlope
s-jello cup and cherry tomatoes
d-can white alabacroe tuna and gluten free crackers
s-vegan cookie or cake if mom makes me one

exercise
*2 hours at gym
*crunches

wed(1/19)
*work 10-4pm

b-apple and cup of canatlope
l(meal break)-1/2 cup vegan mac salad and handful skittles
s-apple
d-can while alabacore tuna and rice cake
s-carrot and jello cup

exercise
*walking at work
*1 hour at gym(hopefully)
*crunches

thur(1/20)
*possibly babysitting

b-oatmeal
l-soup
s-apple
d-can of white alabacore tuna and gluten free crackers
s-cherries

exercise
*crucnhes
*gym(if not babysitting
*if babysitting jog in place 1 hour after they leave

fri(1/21)

b-oatmeal
l-carrots celery and cherry tomaotes
d-with the boy

exercise
*2hours at gym
*crunches

sat(1/22)
*work 10-4pm

b-cereal(gluten free with almond milk)
l(meal break)- 1/2 cup vegan mac salad and handful skittles
s-apple
d-soup and naute valley bar

exercise
*walking at wokr
*hour at gym(hopefully)
*crunches

now thats the plan it might change a lil depending on if i run out of a certain think or if it goes bad u know what i mean

______________________________________________________
undesirablenumber1-aw im glad that u like my outfits i like to b differnt so i layer alot of things eyah i know the gluten allergy is helping but to buy gluten free things is fucking expensive

mich-lol join a gym already jk i love working out so its easy for me

beleive-i wish i could have the equipemtn at my house cause i hate being around ppl at the gym

Friday, January 14, 2011

1/14/11

outfit



my weigh tis the same as last week ugh ih avent lost nething this week but ihave been binging like crazy so its good that i havent gained ugh i gotta stop binging thats what i gotta do

after i posted yesterday i ate even more way more ugh hate myself i really hatemsyelf i wish i ddint stop taking the st johsn wort but i had too so i will deal with it i guess

i messed up againt his morning but i went ot the gym and burnt nealty 900 cals
*35 min bike level 5- 205 cals burned
*35 min elly level 5- 244 cals burned
*65 mins elly around the world hill workout level 6- 442 cals burned

i went to target today after my workout hoping to get crackers then irealized that lal the crackers i usually eat have wheat in them so that mean si cant eat them nemore ugh stupid ass stomach but i got 3 vitamin water 0, 2 sobe life water 0, box of tea, box of fruit snacks, and the outfit i am wearing in the pic well the dress and the sweater tights the shoes and socks i already had.

g2g boy will b here soon love ua ll

_________________________________________________

undesirablenumber1-wish i kept it that low endedup binging later that nite

skinny_el- ilove workingo ut so thats easy for me and it does make me feel alot better

believe-thanx hun and there is always room for imporvemnt

lorna-yteah my stomach is a major bitch altely o im glad thatu love the website it really is great isnt it

bestlilskinnybitchintheworld-tahnx hunt hats what i was thinking keep the metabolism going

Thursday, January 13, 2011

1/13/11

i was gonna update yesterday after we got home fomr philly but i was in so much paint hat ijust curled up in ad ball and passed out for a good 7 hours i never sleep that much

it was my stomach iw as good yesterday i didnt eatr nething that would cause it to hurt that bad but it started hurting at 3pm and by the time we got home at 11 the pain was just unbearable. i havent gone tot he bahtroom in a few days so i figured that what it was so i took alx last nite b4 bed and then after breafakst i had a nice big movement and i felt instantly better even though my stomach is huritng again now but not as bad just like lil cramping and stuff noraml stuff that i have everyday

the game was good typical college basketball game it went into over time but my sis's school ended up winning so yay for that

food log yesterday

b
*10 cherries-40
*1 vegan cookie-46

s
*sour gummi worms

l
*can progressive light southwestern veggie soup-120
*gluten free crackers-90
*sundried tomato and basil hummus-50

d
*1 starburst
*4 gerkin no salt added pickles-0

drinks
*mug of green tea
*plain hot tea from DD
*2 liters of water

exerice
*25 mins of crunches
*hour joggin in place

so now back to to day we had my lil cousins today my munhcins it made me so happy and such a pick me up since i stopped taking the st johsn wort today. id figured the boy would rather have me depressed then pregnant so i stopped taking them but i will talk to him when i chim tomm about it idk mayb i can get back on them

but neway we had the kids from 930-130 i mostly had the littles one but i did play with all of them and they are the lights of my life they make me so happy im contetn just sitting there and wathcing them play

i havent goetten to the gym since tuesday we ended up getting 6 inches of snow so i didnt get outon wednesday morning to go and today i had the kids but imp lanning on spending 2 hours at the gym tomm prob both hours on elly need a good workout im so fat and gross ugh havent lost neweight i was 106.6 this moring but that was b4 my laxs took affect and it was a big movemtn so im prob still 105. something

they acutally plowed my street now thats something to b said cause they rarely ever do but i guess since it was that much snow well not alot but u know that they figured that they would do that my mom and bro cleaned off and dug out my car they knwo i dont do well int he car and the shovel is just to heavy for me so they did it for me

imow rkingo n cleaning my room and doing laundry at the moment. i got my closet down well for the most part i got clohtes hung its not completely organized but its better. and laundry i got my sheets washed and dried. my jeans are wasehd and in the dyer, my clothes are in the washer and after the jeans are done they will go into dryer and my comforter will go int he wash

i will def do crunches later cause my stomach is just huge and sticks out and its gross its need to b toned and falt and concaved so gotta work out that

i didnt do to well with eating today i kinda snacked alot i was palnning on staying udner 500 cals a day for awhile but i diecided that i can have up to 1000 but i gotta very my cals everyday i cantjust eat 1000 everyday cause ew thats just gross but i will have a low cal day then a higher one thena medium one u know what i mean

food log

b
*apple-60
*slice of gluten frr bread toasted with thin layer of vegan butter-90
*mug of green tea
*water

with kids 930-130
*2 bites of pancakes
*half a cupcake(shared witht eh oldest kid)
*4 handful chips
*3 spoons icing
*grands biscuit
*bottle of water

i havent had dinner yet but imthinkng i will make a helathy one and then take my diet pill and do way better tomm

____________________________________________________________
bestlilskinnybitchintheworld- i hate the cold its just ugh i always hate the cold snow is pretty i like to paly in it i hate driving in it though

cravignthin-u think we have an accent really i dont here it mayb cause i likved here my hole life

mandgain-i like snow i hate drivingin it so we have a lov ehate relationship we got 6 inches well close

helen-thanx hun u can burnt hat many cals just u know stay moving and stuff

mich- i use this site www(dot)caloriesperhour(dot)com they pratailly have every activinty adn u calcute it there they just ask for weight and time u did it and it calcultes it for u

undesirablenumber1-we got lamost 6 inches but i didnt shovel the shovel is to heavy for me and i have vack issues and im clumsy so imnot allowed to shovel

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

1/11/11

no swnow here for us new jersey ppl yet well at least nto in my area im north east new jersey so im up there but jsut looked out the window no snow yet and they keep chanigng there mind on when its gonna come and how much then have said 2-4, 3-6. 4-8, 8-12 inches they have no fucking clue they are just guessins so its just a waiting game now wait to c how much snow is there is in the morning.

im going to philly tomm sis has to cheer at a basletball game so me and dad r takign her up watchin the game and then brining her back home it was orginally suppose to b me and my bor going up in my car but with the snow i told them we werent taking my car my bro was gonna drive cause i cant drive in that traffic i can barelydrive in my small town but neway so da is driving and i get to c my sis cheer yay. she goes backs unday for the new semester its gonna b werid with her not being here all the time cause my bro will go back to hes school soon as well but good tihng about tomm is i wont b able to eat mcuh a) we will b driving and 2) college game food is prob all greasy and i cant eat grease at all me and grease have never gotten along

i went to the gym eysterday and today i nomrally dont go on days i have to work but i went today cause thers a good chance i wont get there tomm i did 65 minon elly today like i normally do and i read "awakened" almsot done with it cant wait its such a good book.

they fiannly told us who there were keeping at work c i was just hired as seasonal but soemitems they keep some seasonal ppl after and they told me today that they kept me and one other girl they are like u worked really hard over xmas so we are keeping u. so pressure off i have a job it wont b much money cause there arent many hours avaialbe since its really slow now but if i can work like 3 days a week and still getmy unemplyment i will b ok im still waitng to here bout my uncles job im counting on that one its fully time and i will have benefits after 3months i really need benenfit

so nto much to say 2day it was a boring day gym adn work thats eat i ate more theni wanted i gotta get my cals down

food log

b
*can of progessive light southwestern veggie soup-120
*2 bits of brownie?
*few spoons of ice cream

l
*sour gummi worms-?

snakc at work
*5 slices apple-30
*2 vegan cookies-92.26

d
*1/2 cup vegan macroni salad- 179
*cup of veggie soup-45
*4 tator tots?
/8grand biscuit-180 cals

drinks
*2 mugs green tea
*1 liters of water

exercise
*65 mins elly around the world hill workout- 459 cals burned
* 5 hours working- 714 cals burned

__________________________________________________
becky- im confused what are u apologizing for? and the cookies are yummy u should make them

bestlilskinnybitchinthe world- its very good u should make it soemtimes

Monday, January 10, 2011

recipe time yay

i got new recipes for my fav ppl in the world
question for u guys did u want me to keep posting myh recipes on here or make a new blog juts for my recieps taht will only b updated when i have a new one just let me know guys

Rainbow Macaroni Salad
*bag of tinkyada gluten free brown rice pasta spitals- 1680 cals
*1/2 vup diced yellow bell pepper- 20 cals
*1/2 cup diced celery- 7.5 cals
*1/2 cup chopped broccolli- 15 cals
*1/2 cup chopped cherrry tomatoes- 17.5 cals
*1/2 cup carrots- 25 cals
*1 tbsp fresh chopped basil- o cals
*1 cup vegenaise(vegan mayonnaise)-1440 cals
*2 tsp grey poupon dijon mustard- 10 cals
*2 tbsp poppy seeds-0
*pepper for taste

total cals- 3215

directions
*cook pasta according to pacakaging, drain and set aside.
*while pasta is cooking cut up and combine peppers, celery, broccolli, tomatoes, carrots, and basil.
*add to the pasta and stir to combine
*stir in mustard and vegenaise make sure all noodles are covered(can add salt and pepper for taste i just added a lil pepper)
*laslty stir in poppy seeds
*refriderate and serve cold.

makes 9 1 cup servings or 18 1/2 cup servings
1 cup= 357 calories
1/2 cup= 179 cals

pic finished prodcut




Banana Oat Date Cookies

ingredients
*3 large bananas-300 cals
*1 tsp pure vanilla extract- 12 cals
*1/4 cup vegan butter warmed until smooth- 320 cals
*2 cups rolled or quick cooking oats(used quaker oats)- 600 cals
*1/3 cup unsweetend shredded coconut- 124 cals
*1/2 tsp ground cinnamon-0 cals
*1/2 tsp salt- 0 cals
*1 tsp baking powdwe-0 cals
*1/4 cup choppped dates- 120 cals

total cals= 1476

directions

*preheat over to 350 degrees line baking sheets with un bleached parchment paper.
*in a larger bowl mash the bananas until smooth.
*add the vanilla, vegan butter, oats, shredded coconut, cinnamon, salt and baking powder. mix it all together with ur hands until its all combined then fold in the dates
*spoon out dough on to trays and flatten a lil they dont spread of expand while cooking.
*cook for 15 minutes until golden brown on bottom mine cooked for about 18 minutes.

the reciep said 24 cookies but i made mine a li lsmaller and got 32 cookies out of it

1 cookie= 46.13 cals

pic of finsihed product




___________________________________________________
acka11- yeah i knmow i have to do soemting and im only working there til i can get a a full time job

skeleton strong- i got me some today a treat lol old school man

undesirable number 1- i know like its ok for ppl to comment on how skinny we are but we cant say enthing about fat ppl ugh. im from new jersey as well north east new jersey yay another new jersian

barbies and bones- yeahi get teh anorxic jokes and commetns all the time mostly from family i just never now how to react its like yeah ok what every usay

mandajin- i know right i shoudl jsut punch them int he face

mich- i suck at grammer lol and my anxiety would never let me b an actress
yeah i get comments every time iwork its like damn u guys wanna see skinny i'll show u skinny ive been alot smaller theni am now

becauseilovehwoicanbecome-ugh ijust wanna like punch everyone

Sunday, January 9, 2011

1/9/11

ima snap at ppl at work soon and they truth is gonna come out and then they are gonna feel bad for all their comments and jokes i just cant take ti nemore all the comments the jokes i just want them to stop i dont wanna hear it nemorei dont wanna hear how skinny i am o thas all ur eating no wonder ur so small and omg dani ur so small.

i got like idk 3 comments today one from a customer, one from cowroker and one frome on of my mangars

so first one was i was at the register like i was most of then day and the cusomter goes omg ur so skinny like shocken and my coworker goes yeah its cause she doesnt eat an dijust like shot my head up and idk if the cuspoter cuahgt on but she goes she prob just had a high metabolism.

then the last oneme an danother co worker was just joking around beingweird we were in the clearance section with 2 managers and she found a pait if xxxl running shorts and thes like omg it can fit 2 of us shes like get in so yeah we were bored she got in one short leg and i got int eh other and there was still room on my side my one manager goes omg dani ur so mcall look theres still room look how much room there is u need to eat.

i just cant take it nemore i just wanan snap and go u know what i have an eating disorder and it almost kille dme just shut up already.

nuttin much ealse happend today i worked 11-6 we got 3 more inches of snow yesterday so cleaning of my ice and snow covred car was fun cause it was windy an dit kept blowing backin my face.

i,a work out later im thinkng an hour of jogging in place is ikn need while i read my book or mayb air bike not sure which ones but def some crunches as well.

but found out the ginger ale helps settle my stomach my mom got some yesterday cause my sister was sick so i had some just like al il bit a few sips and ithelped so much so ima get me some diet ginger ale cause mom got the normal kind

got off of work tomm so its srunning around day def gym in the morning then target then 2 different grocery stores.
ima try out 2 new recipes tomm so need to go shopping to do that o and hey i updated my recipe page so yay for that

food log

brekafast
*can reducded sodium chicken noodle soup-160
*green tea-0
* 4 italin cookies-?

lunch
*sf jellp cup-10
*4 ounches carrots-40
*handufl mike and ikes-?
Iliter of water

dinner
*small bite of bronwie?
*can of bumble bee white albacore tuna-120
*9 glutten free sesemae breadsticks-60

im thinkmgn abou thaving alil bowl of cie cream then some ginger ale and then iwill def work out

___________________________________________________________________

scarlet-yeah we get all 4 seasons here and january we ususally get alo tof snow ugh hate it and thanx hun

nee-thanx hun i feel hgue though and i dont c what u guys c

used for glue-thanx for that hun i really do apprecitate it ima have to talk to the boy c what he wants me to do i already knwo the answer he will want me to stop taking it so back to depression it will b hard to hit rock bottom again with it but i will survive. aww thanx hun and uw ill get there 2 u just have to stay strong if u ever wanna talk heres my email and msn danirkt@hotmail.com

bestlilskinnybitchintheworld-thanx hun i wish i could c what everyone elses sees but i cant

marsh.sarah-yeah ilove me my layers

sketletom strong-yeah ima prob have to stop taking them wich sucsk but iw illl deal i pertty much only getm y period cause of the fact im on mthe pill i doubt it woud come if ididnt take it

undesribale number one-wish i could rest but im incapable of that betweent work and the fact that my head never shuts up ugh. where do u live hun what state if u dont mind me asking

skinny_el-yeah snow fucks everything u pdoesnt it

beleive-just keep lookinga nd applyign u will find a job eventually u just cant give up

thin_envy- i love fruit and ur doing grea ton ur fast hun

sara-im tyring rust me

mich-i know weatherman r so stupid they enver know nehting they just guess an dit doesnt matter what so ever if they are wrong or right um the movie" an ex convict is just released from jail after 6 years for manslaughter he corssed paths with a lonely troubled teen and her new rid gordy pretty much just asks for a ride ha they all ehad out int eh same car she wants to cut loose and get away the driver likes her and the ex convict wants to decided whether to return to hes past or leave it behind" its really good def check it out

Saturday, January 8, 2011

1/8/11

outfit that i wore last nite



i look huge as well 105.6 ugh gross fat ugh hate it but i will get it down

this is a quick psot im not feeling well at all ate tom uch with boy last nite moslty food that makes me sick and this i binged today and just feel dizzy and nasouses and tired so ugh

idid get to the gym today did 6 5mins on elly burnt 442 cals and just now i jogged in place slowly for an hour dk how mnay cals taht was im too out of it to look it up

my head is pouding once again i had a headahce all day yesterday as well ow ell

its still its been snowing all day lovley we got almsot 3 inches yesterday and now its snowing again today and we are suppose to get another storm on tuesday as well o ij ust hate winter i dont do well with the cold

i did manage to do some research it turns out the st johsn wort does decrease the effecitivness of birth ocntorl but it doesnt cnacel it out completely so ima keep taking it just cause it does help a lil

ok ima go lay down done feel well

Thursday, January 6, 2011

1/6/11

so i just got down watching "the yellow handkerchief" sucha great movie i waited almost 3years for it to come outon dvd :) its an indie movie staring kristen stewart, eddie redmayne, maria bello, and willam hurt. it finally was released on dvd jan 4th and i pre ordered it on amazona nd it came today god yay it was such a good movie im so glad that i fianlly got to c it it was so worth the wait but damn 3 years i waited but yay nomore waiting and in feb "welcome to the rileys" is coming out on dvd as well i preordered that one if neway hasnt noticed im a big kristen stewart fan ive liked her for years i have all her movies well almost all theres still some i need the harder ones to get but iw ill get them im deteremiend.

we had my 3 lil munchines today :) i coudlnt spend the hole day with them cause i had to work at 12 but i had them for a good 2 and half horus they make me so happy u have no idea the littlest one is msiling now and it just birghtens up my day i spent most of my time with him but also played with the other ones too. P did my makeup so i went to work with glitter on my face ha she got a lil barbie makeup case for xmas she bought it with er today and then i had a tickle fight with B. it was a good moring i love them somuch. i bought them stuff at work today i just coudlnt resist all the cute lil clothes. got P a blue plaid long sleeve dress with black tights, B got 2 shirts one is oragne has headphones on it other is like an animal shirt then i got the lil guy 2 onsies with cute pics of animals on them.

work was tiring as alwasy and boring its really slow now so time jsut drags but imnot runnign around like crazy i walk slower and everything but i still get really tired. no passing out today though but i did get really depressed at one [point realized i forgot to take my st johsn wort b4 i went in somymood like dropped. but work was boring and tireing but good i work tomm as well 11-7. today i got out 30 minutes early cause it was so slow buti bought my self 2 shirts off the clearance rack they will b big since they are smalls but hey bigger clothes smaller i look so win win.

the st johns wort does acutally work its like not a big difference but i can tell when imiss a dose how my mood is ur suppose to take 3 a day and i always take my moring and nite one but i have a habit of forgetting my middle of the day one an dmymood just drops so much i gotta stop forgetting the 2nd dose.

i fianlly folded my laundry i washed it like waht 2 days ago and its been sitting in the basket but yeah i folded it this moring b4 work and after work i cleaned my room up a lil for it wasnt so trashed.

my kindle stuff came from amazon as well got my lil carrying case and my gel skin i still gotta put the gel skin on but i got it yay me :)

so my exercsie for the day is 5 horus at work then i hour jogging in place while watching the movie i was gonna jog in place for the hoel movie but i just got to tired and weak and mu legs and back really started to hurt and so did my chest so i stopped. when i jog in place i usally keep my feet on teh ground and just move my legs really fast it doesnt make noise and u still get a good workotu.

its susppose to snow tonite or tomm no1 knows adn no1 knows how much we are suppose to get gotta love weather ppl they get paid to be wrong lol but i have off of wrok sat so if the weather isnt bad im thinkgin about ging to the gym and the grocery store wanna make a vegan dessert just gotta decide what one.

food log

breakfast
*mug peppermint tea-0
*water-0
*cup of veggie soup-45
*cup of chicken broth-10
*1 grands biscuit-180 ?

lunch
*2 ounces carrots- 20
*cup of veggie chicken broth-15
*handful skittles-?
*water

dinner
*handful tositos-?
*sandwhich- 2 slices gluten free bread(180), 6 slices reduced sodium turkey(60), 2 stacker garlic pickles(0), spicy brown mustard(0), 2 slices tomato(5), slice of lettuce(2)
*mug of green tea
*water

snack
*banana-90

exercise
*hour jogging in palce-384 cals burned
*5 hours walking at work(retail work u know)-720 cals burned

i got those numbers from caloriesperhour.com

_________________________________________________________________
*bestskinnybitchinworld-thanx huni was glad i didnt either

*lov2laff-nopeno doc i hate doctors and ihave no insurance so i cant got even if i wanted 2

*skeletonstrong-well i love reaidng ur blogs so of cours ei comment :) c its hard fro me i have been underweight my howl life highest was 115 and that was cause i started birth control i usually keep myself under 105 and the docs think its all nomral cause ive alwasy been like that. im working on my depression but i wihave a werid relationship with food always have and even atmy low weights it was never enough. u know what i mean but htanx hunny

*undesirablenumber1-yeah i dont mind the passing out part either its the feeling b4 hand that i fucking hate

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

1/5/11

ok i guess its time to b honest and tell everyone how sick ir ly am i guess how this disease fucks u up how my body is slowly failing me and im dieng but i cant do enthing about it so i hope the truth doesnt scare u but i hope its mkaes some ppl(wannas) turn away from thinking its cool to have ane d that is doesnt cause consequences cause really it does so list time

*i cant eat nething with out being in pain like literally evetyeim i eat nething i get massive pain in my stomach
*stomach acid is constanly coming up even when i dont eatjust drink something hi there acid
*im constanly tired no matter what i could sleep or not sleep it doesnt matter
*constan pain everday second of every day there is osme part of my body that hurts
*cant focus or concntrate i zone out constantly all thet iem even when im driving
*have chest pains daily usually wake up with them they are so bad that they wake me up
*have trouble breathing most days even worse when i work out my lungs dont like me
*my heart can go from 60 bpm to over 200 in the matter of seconds
*always cold
*headaches on a daily basis
*massive side pains and stomach pains they dont happenmuch nemore but when they doi feel lik eim being stabbed and i double over in pain
*i black out alot i will like lose seconds sometimes minutes of my day and idk what happens
*depressin enough said there
*random bouts of my sotmach nothandling food and it throws it up on its own accord with no help from me


um thers more i just cant think
o and i almost passed out today i was between the standing blacking out and nearly falling phase love it. i was at work of course cause hats were most bad things happen butits a good thing i wasnt odign nething iwas just standing there leaning against a rack talking to a manager and 2 other girls that work there and i got really hot like sweating an dmy heart starting beating of my chest was having a lil toruble breathing my eyes starte to roll back(i kept my self conscious though im gooa at keeping myself standing) this happend with anhour left of work so i had to try and not freak out that hole time causei freak out alot, i hate that feeeling though the in between were u dotn know if ur acutally gonna pass out or not ugh hate it but hats a part of this disease

i worked 7 hours today and 6and half of those were spent stanidng on my feet the halfhorui wasnt was my break an di went and sat in the break room tomm i work 6 hours and friday i work 8 hours love it

iima start planning out my food the day b4 and then sticking to it asmuch as i can i tend to make lil changes to it whent he day comes dpeenidn on how im feeling but molsy i stick to it

food log for today

breakfast
*few spoons ice crean
*cup chicken broth-10
*cup of veggie soup-45
*,ug of green tea
*bottle of water

snack
*20 cherris-80

lunch at work
*2 ounces carrots
*handful skittles
*handful mike and ikes

dinner
*reducded sodium chicken noodle soup-160
*liter of water
*bowl of tositos

ima work out soon prob do air bike and curnches i just wanted to relax alil getmy heart back to normal b4 i work out

soplan for tomm
b-cup of veggie soup(45), cup chicken broth(10) tea and water
s-banana
l-2 ounches of carrots cup of veggie broth
d-um some kind fo soup nt usre what kind of a turky shandwhcin cant decide

ahve my cousins tomm but i only get to c them a lil in th emoring b4 i go to work buti cant wait to c my 3 lil munchins love them so much

my head has been yelling at me alot lately and for the first time i carve da word into i usually just cut lines i never did a word but i did yesterday and surprislnlgy it wasnt a bad wor i did "forza" on my left inner wrist forza means "strength" in italian its not deep and will prob heal witho ut ne visible scar but im temtped to reopen it an dmake it a visival scar

__________________________________________________________

gem-thanx hunny

scarlet-the thing is and dont take this the wrong way but this sint a diet im not on a diet i have a disease and ive had this disease for along time i wish it was just as easy as a diet but life fuckign sucks and its not

undesribale number 1- ima have to get that book and trust me if i could get an ekg i would buti have no health insurance an di work in retail not realy swimming in cash

sarah and needlesedge- thanx both of u

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

1/4/11

ugh god im such a fat ass failure of a fat gross slob ugh im never gonna get skinny if i keep eating like a fucking whale the food just makes me sick im constnaly nasouses and dizzy then add in the chest pains and the headaches idk wtf is wrong iwht me but ugh

im slrsy getting my fat ass back on track tomm nomatter waht i have to im not gonna b fat for my bday on the 18th so its lose weight time

ive been up since 5am cause of my chest pains fucked up 2 times already today once was at breakfast had 4 italain cookies half a bowl of oatmeal and some ice cream

then second fuck up was 2 italian cookies 1 choc chip cookie and a sandwhich(3 slices gluten free bread 7 slices turkey lunchmeat and 2 pickles)

none fuck ups banana, cup of my veggie soup, and green tea, and a few pickles

i dont even wanna think about how many cals i ate today ugh fat ass gross ass mother fucker ugh fucking hate my fat ass self ugh

i did get to the gym at least i did 35 mins on the bike and 35 mins on elly according to heart rate monitor 676 cals burnt but still ugh all the fucking food i ate today ugh fat

i went to the grocery store today 2 get me some food that hopeiflly i wont binge on got
*carrots
*celery
*bananas
*gluten free bread
*reduced sodium turely lunchmeat
*pickles
*brown spicy mustard
*3 cans reduced sodium chciken noodle soup
*2 boxs cup of soup veggie

i also went to the mall with my sis well not the mall by me the one that is 20 mins away and has a barnes and noble were i got




its a vegan cookbook and the next book in the house of night series

ok im off to feel even more fat and sorry for myself my head is fucking pounding ugh

Monday, January 3, 2011

thinspo

do u ever wish while ur searching for thinspo that uw ill c ur self among it i always do but of course im too fat to b considered thinspo

not feeling goof at the moment so here is a thinspo post hope u like i will try and do a real update later


















____________________________________________________
*undesirable number 1-thanx hun

*S- they are good surprisnly

*skinnypeach-im following ur blog now

*broken-hate intesintal issues they are so painful

*desepree-i cant eat tofu i get really sick and my heart starts beating so fast that i think im having a heart attack and then i throw up so yeah no tofu for me