Saturday, October 30, 2010

10/30/10

ok can some1 please just lock me up in an ed wing in a hosptial or in a residentail place cause im fucking losing my mind and and im gong fucking crazy idk what i want i dk what to do but im fucking going crazy.

what bought this on is the purging ive been waht thrwoing up 3 times a week or more for over 2 weeks now yeah sometimes its not intentional sometimes it is sometimes the food just gets stick and im choking and gotta get it out but i feel lie im drowning like im sinking and idk what to do.

i purged 2day 2 seperate times but mutliple times for each time at least 3 toilet flushes each and i mean the toilet was full when i flused it so yeah tahs alot of vomit if u ask me. and yes i did it on purpose these times. the first itme was this morning i made myself my breakfast hot choc(65) and soup(22.5) and iw as fine and then soemthimg snapped and i ate my 5 airheads(300) that i had left i was freaking out but then iheard my mom leave so i went downstairs had like 4 or so spoons of ice cream grabbed a water bottle and went to the bathroom and purged til i was dizzy and i mean i was dizzy i thought i was gonna pass out so i grabbed some powerade and an apple and had that and yes i ketp that down. i then proceeded to cut open my cut that idid yesterday yes ihave ahabit of cutting open cuts til they get as deep asi want them i think this one i need stitches but i wont go and get that.

my mom comes in at one point and ask waht iwas doing today im like going tot he gym shes like its not to bad out and u can saveurself some gas y dont u just go for a walk and she gave me $4. shes like i know u get drinks on ur walk so take the money. she keeps giving me money since i dont have ne. i thanked her so much and theni went and got a fuck hot shower god i love hot showers. so yeah did that thew on some jeans high socks my running shoes a sprots bra long sleve baggy shirt and a sweat shirt. its jersy the high is only in the 50's now so yeah gotta layer. i bangaged up my cut made some sterile strips and then put a bandaide over that. i put my pedometer watch on grab my phone ipod and money and off i go.

now when i walk i have this certain way that i always go i know its crazy well not its not crazy its just a behaivor a habit and ocd thing that keeps me sane gotta go this certain way when i walk. i live in downtoan in my town so everything in volves hills and this one hill is just so steep and im always out of breathe when i walk it but i make it up neway. now im a lil out of it from the purging this morning soi keep zongin out more then normal on my walks and trip more then normal but hey that is me. so i walk up the hill and take the exact roods that i know i have to take to get to dunkin donuts. i order my large unsweetened iced tea(10) love it so good and it take me forever to drink it so it last all day :) and then i save the cup and just drink water out of it forwhile id rather dirnk my water of a a straw its werid idk where iget ir from but hey im werid. now walking in 50 degree weather with a cold drink wasnt my smartest idea and add in the wind yea i was cold. i ended up just like holding it i my arms agaistn my chest casue my hands were to cold to hold it. so i get my drink and walk back a a diffrent way to the park do noe lap around like always then walk down a different hill and make my way back home. all together that was 4.260 miles or 9,637 steps which burned 291 cals :)

i get home get changed out of my clothes in comfier ones. i got on garnet sweat pants from my cheering days in high school, a pink long sleeve shirt, my twilight tee over top it and my twilight zip up hoodie over top of that. so comfy i love it. i gather up allmy laundry to carry ti downstairst to wash it. my mom bought my bro a new hamper for school so i got hes old one so i got that suttle hint that i gotta do my own lunadry form now on. c i always did my own jeans but mom did everything else well yeah not nemore. so ig et downstaris and put everything in the washer use the laundry detergent that doesnt make me break out and grab a snack.
i had my ever popular pretzels with my chicago fire mustart love those an di dont freak out when i eat that.

but my moms choc candy is tuanting me so i end up having a few pieces and i freak out but it turns out my bor is getting ready to leave and when no one is home i purge thats how i alsy have beeni will eat osmethinmg just knowing that ima pruge so he leaves i grab abowl of ice creama nd abottle of water. i shovel the ice cream in and feel sick as im doing it since im not suppose to b eating ice cream and drink 3/4 of hte water then iff the the bathroom again god i hate pruging ice cold water mixed with ice cold ice cream it comes up cold its not pleasant. it take me a lil longer to get it up then nomral but thats cause i already purged this morning and ive been pruging recently so yeah my throat is raw but i get it up alot up idt i even ate to much but i swear my stomach just like magically makes food appear in it so yeah i pruge 3 toilet flusehs again i clea up wash my face rinse out mouth then freak out and i start running steps

now u can c im clearing losing my mind who pruges then goes run steps when her heart is already not great from years of this ed on yeah me tahts who so i run steps for awhile idk how long but i do it til my legs jstu cant nemore an dmy heart is just beating out of my chest so hard that it hurts so i just lay on the floor for a lil.

i calm myself down and come into my room to lay down and just read for alil and thats what ive been doing reading this fuck awesome fic.

im lsing my mind though iknow that i cant pruge nemor ei dont want topurge nemore i want this to b the last day my fingers ever go down my throat ever and i know that i need help but i cant get help im one of those ppl who wants help but wont seek it out herself. and i will never ever walk into a hospital or my own accord and say admit me i have an ed i want help. u waould have to b wheeled in on a stretcher cause i was so sick that i just collapsed and my body cant so it nemore id have to b fuck skinny like so skinny it scares ppl.

so thats the plan im try and not pruge nemore cause i really cant do it and my head is just driving me nuts to many voices not enough room. but ima lose weight and ima get skinny really skinny im get really sick were ppl cant turn me away nemore an di can get help cause i cant live like this forever but icant give it up yet.

i was looking for atherapist like 3 months ago im sure that u guys remmber that well one emialed me yesterday finally she said that my turn is up i was on waiting list that she had u know a sliding scale spot open to call her.
so i email her back saying "thank you for keep me in mind but i lose my job in september and i now longer have the resources to afford therapy at this time and in all truth i talked myself out of it. but when i do have the resources and when im ready for therapy again i will contact you"
she hasnt written me back yet

if some1 was wiling to help me 3 months ago when iwas ready for help thatim sure this psot would b competley diferent but some therapist just ignored one said that i had to many issues that id ahve to admit msyelf into hospilta first untils he wouldhelp me and this one didnt have ne openings for 3 months

so yeah thanks for ur help not helping therapist but ima go sprial downward and hit rock bottom i'll c u later when im on deaths door ugh.

the plan for the rest of the day is to relax, read, watch food network, exercse and try to keep my dinner down.
imthinking about make some rice and veggies an djstu mix them up in a bolw and just have that ima try my hardest to keep it downa nd i jsut prob drink something jsut i purged up everything that has been in my system today

______________________________________________________________________

last nite on date nite it was good. he came over early to wathc the flyers yes go flyers im a hockey fan and yes u guys can yell at me for not rooting for the jersey teams but yeah no flyers all the way.
i acutaly got a kiss right away when he came over and he said he missed me so thats agood thing. we just watched the game and just hung out with each other i was being good not making him mad in ne way i was keep my depression in check.
after the game he wanted to eat but didnt wanna go far sicne it was already late so we decided on friendly. now i love that friendlys has gotten more salads on their menu but in all honeslty they took taste food or look good at all so i got a grilled chicken deluxe sandwhcih meal it came with fries. the sandhwich was grilled chicken lettuce tomatos and red pepper sauce on a roll with a side of fries. he got hse pick 3 thing and i stop hes honey mustard im wwerid i have to dip my friesn in something nething but i have to dip themw ell not everything i hate ketchup. the meal was 1000 cals and i ate almot all of it for he wouldnt get made atme it hurt so bad.

so another weird thing i cant eat a sandwhcih together i never have been able to ihave to take it apart and eat it in parts and he hates that he does that so he was tyring to make me eat it hole like as an acutall sandwhcih i took 3 bites befor i coudlnt do it nemore.s i took off the top roll set it aside pull off my chiken and thats how i eat it. i will cut up a piece of chicken have that and then i will pull off a piece of my top roll dip it in the honey mustard thena nother bit of chicken then apiece of the bottom roll that ahs the lettuce tomato and sauce on it and keep repeating yes im werid u can say it so i ate most of my fries, my hole top roll and allbut a few bites ofmy chicken and bottom roll.

my stomahc hurts so bad form that but i keep the food when we get home im laying with him curled up in hes side under a blanket shaking fromt he food he told me thati did good thoguh that i ate good that he was happy imlike it was tomuch food hes like not it wasnt it was normal ijust snort at that but hey hes happy so thats a good thing.

we endup falling alseep early though but me being me cant sleep thru the nite wakes up a few times etiheri m freezing or im covered in sweat or a need a drink im a mess bu they that was date nite

____________________________________________________________-

anorexic medic-thanx hun im trying to b careful

campaignforslim- thanx hunny andi know ne kind of cnady is evil isnt it

dolcecaramel-thand hunny and i hate the 102 number its way to high

mich-yeah me and her have werid relationsip and shen she tries to act likea mom im wtf thats not fuckng right but it looks like u and ur mom have the kind of relationsip me an dmy mom have thanx hun stay strong

lucy- thanx hun and im damn im sorry about that but im am following now an di will look forward to reading ur new blog and everything

Friday, October 29, 2010

10/29/10

outfit



my weight is still stuck at 102 lbs ew grossness that needs to change i wanna try and b 100 lbs by next friday its a lil goal hopefully i can make it

i went grocery shopping with my mom again today it just gives me something to do and gets me out of the house. me and my mom get along well sorta idk she acts more lik emy best friedn thena mom so she really doesnt care what i do or enthing she never cared. she was all on my bro the other day cause he turned 21 and shes like no drinking and driving and she was all worried and shit. this coming form the mother who was buying me alochol at 16 she knew i drank at home by myself she knew i went to pary she has known that ive been in a car where ppl have been drinknig fuck ive drank and drove myself not a proud moment but still. i got al il issue with alochol.

but neway went tot he store with her today. she bought me more food even though i only asked for more hot choc and a fruit bowl but she offered to buy me a few more things so i got:
*3 pears
*bag of apples
*ghiradelli hot choc white mocha
*2 boxes v8 soup
*6 pack of airheads
*box of triscuits
*fruit cup(pinapple, grapes, strawberries)

she also got bags of candy for halloween she got the house choc and she got the trick or treaters smarties, tootise roll, dum dums, and mixed bag of twizzlers and jolly ranchers.

no as u now i cant eat the choc so i opened the dum dum and the mixed bag and made myself a lil bag of stuff to keep in my food bin up stairs. thats the lil bag of treats i made for myself.




now im guessing u guys want an explanation for my freak out yesterday. well idk its hard to explain i suffer from depression undiagnosed of course since i aboid doctors like the plaque. and i was doing well for while it was always there just not bad and last nite it got really bad. i was talking tot he boy on the phone and she pretty much accused me of making myself throw up thats y i have been so sick yeah so i throw up buti mnot doing it on purpose the food makes me sick and it starts to come outon its own neway ijust mak eit come out quicker well neway. he told me i was being stupid htat i have to take better care of myself that he knows im not stupid but i cant just eat pretzels cashews and soup which i said that i dont wanna throw up nemore and that stuff doesnt hurt mystomach which then he accused me of shit and then he said that hes had a bad week and that i bettern ot b in one of my moods when he sees me or he will get up and leave. so i gotta b happy and not make him mad and all that shit cuase i dont want him to leavei only c him once a week its so hard. its like ugh last week he didnt even kiss me sohe hasnt kissed me in like 2 weeks like i konw that he is just scared that im sick and i know that he loves me but when he says stuff like that it sets me off and it makes me wanna cry and just disapeasr.

its like was i such a bad person in my previous lives that i deserve this that i deserve this fucking disease that is killing me ijust want my head to shut up for once like fuck well last nite i barely slept i just layed there with my ipod blasting in my ears trying to calm down yeah didnt work i was anxous as all fucking hell i tossed and turend and cried and i even cut for the fist time in god idk almost 2 monnths and then i cut over the same cut mutlipe times today i just wanted it deep and it wouldnt go deep so ugh whatever

food log

food
*airhead-60
*2 dum dums-45
*1 jolly rancher
*1 snack size twizzler
*pinapple-75
*grapes- 85
*triscuits

drinks
*2 and half liters water
*2 bottles of water with crystal light cherry promgrante mix-10

so ima go do my makeup and then pace around my lil room for a whiel try to burn off the cals i ate ugh fucker i shoudlnt of eaten that much im so fat and gross and just ugh ew

Thursday, October 28, 2010

never good enough

whats the point in even trying nemore im never gonna b good enough nuttin will ever b good enough for anyone. everything will alwasy b my fault, i will always make ppl mad, i will never make them happy

food log
*cashews
*cup of carrots-50
*sugar free jello-30
*3 cups chicken broth-40

drinks
*calm tazo tea
*speical k protein water-30
*vitamin water0
*2 bottles water w crystal light cherry promgrante mix-10
*2 liters water

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

10/27/10

so i startred off my day by eating 6 ounces worth on apples and then another 10 min dry heaving into the toliet so just a lovely way to start off my day

last nite i didnt feel good at all as u all know from my scary experince i just layed there after in my own lil world watch oth, life unexpected, 16 and pregnant and then ace of cakes. i felt off all nite but i though sleep would help well of ocurse sincei never acutally sleep much it didnt help to much apparently. i ended up evenutally just alying there with my ipod on drifting in and out of sleep which is normal for me.

when i woke up i was acutally feeling ok my heart was ist noraml 60 bpm self and i didnt feel like i was dying so i go downstairs with my tea bags and apples. i cut up my apples while my tea is making come back upstaris weigh them to c exaclty how many cals they are and check my email and read blogs while im eating them. im all fine while im eating well a lil off but fine. after i finsihed i lay down to read a fanfic for ra lil b4 i go to the gym i got my tea mug in my hand and im half way thru when i get the horrible naousa feeling i run to the bathroom and just dry heave and spit nuttin acutally came out. but it made me feel so bad.

i was planning on going to the gym early for i could spend 2 hours straight walking on the treadmill and reading my book. well that didnt happen after the dry heaving stops i still dont feel well so i decide to just lay down and relax for a lil while dirnking some water it helped i didnt feel great but i felt good enough to go to the gym. so i spend an hour on the treadmill walking i need random hill workout level 7 for 65 mins. which burned 213 cals. but hey i got an hour of reading in and the book is good love it.

i decided b4 the gymt hat i was gonna go to target and get some water and soup sinc emy body isnt handing solids well so might as well jsut cut them out while we are at it. so at target i got
*12 pack poland springs
*2 boxes crystal light mix boxes- 1 normal 5 cal one and the other fitness electrolyte one 15 cals
*2 boxes of generic reduced sodium chicken broth
*3 reduced sodium soup at hand tomato
*2 light cans of southwestern veggies(for when im better with solids)
*container of sea salt cashews(got a really bad craving for them yesterday)
*1 bottle powerade 0
*2 three pakcs of the new extra dessert gum(had a coupon)

i wanted some more hot choc but target doesnt have ghiradelli hot choc but im going with my mom grocery shopping on friday so mayb i can convince her to buy me some hehe lets hope :)

so the food that didnt bother me today: cup chicken broth, cup of powerade 0, cup of carrot and red pepper soup, cup of tomato salsa soup.

food that made me just wanna puke or hurt to bad: cashews, pretzels and apples

so the plan for tommm is liquids water, soup, chicken broth, hot choc u know sutff like that. im tired of getting sick and i dont know how much more my body can take so i hope i dont throw up nemore. i might say i will die young but im not ready to die right now.

i weighed myself today it wasnt right in the moring it was after my apples, half cup of tea and some water. and also after my target trip, gym and shower it said 102 lbs. im i guess im between 100-102 lbs ugh can i just get to double digits all ready damn.

i decided tha tim also gonna get back on my board and get the damn thing all updated and everything damn i havent been on it since march bad bad board owner. and no guys its not an ana board its a kristen stewart board.

god im so hot right now like sweating ugh if im getting afever ima hurt some1

mich-thanx hun it was scary and thats saying sometihng coming from me

the next best thing- do u know what cased it or y it happened i would love some insight on it

pixistix014-its tencally not new new its sjust replcemtn so its the same phone i had but new i guess idk ha i love havin gmy phone back though i was hating my bros. yay for u getting a new phone what kind u gonna get?

skinny_el-u will love tormetn rust me im only a few chapters in and im hooked already uhave to let me know what u think when u fianlly do read it and happy early bday

believe-god i hope its nuttin serious either

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

10/26/10

i just had the most scariest and painful moment in awhile. im use to scary moments and stuff but this one was really bad.

i was sitting here it was about 530pm and i started getting like really anxious and i felt really off and my chest was bothering but not to bad so i took my pulse 64 bpm ok nomral for me so i just deicded i needed to relax so i put my ipod on and i grabbed my new book and read for half hour i still felt off so i though that ijust needed to eat.

so i went downstairs and cooked my tofu noodles like it said to added garlic powder and a tablesoon of chopped red peppers. i heated up a small pieceo f chicken and then cut them up and put it in with my noodles as well. i go back upstairs with my bowl and i start to eat i get like 3 bites in and then the pain starts and its bad my chest is so tight and so painful it went down to my ribs and my stomach the worse pain in my stomach was on teh right side my heart was beating so fast and the pain just wouldnt stop so i stop eating that and go downstairs to get some toast i put 2 slices of white bread in toaster(im not suppose to have white bread but we wre out of wheat and white every once in awhile is ok). i i have a bite of my noodles and some toast and the pain just intensifies so i stop eating the noodls and chicken mix. and kneel on the floor and eat my toast the toast isnt helping at all and im like bent over in pain so i have some water and walk to the bathroom and just throw up and throw up. got it was gross to look at it i know all of it didnt come up cuase it was getting stuck but afterthe pain calms down i clean up and go back to my room i lay down and realize that i still have to throw so i go downstairs throw my food away and grabed a liter of water i drink about 3/4 of it and then go tot he bathroom again and more of it comes up.

the pain has stopped well except for the chest tightness but tahts always there but the pain in my stomach stopped as well. also after throwing up a nice BM as well. so i guess the tofu didnt agree with me or the chicken or the red peppers idk what it was i had the chicekna nd red peppers b4 but not the tofu so im guessing it is that

im just sitting here in a daze my head is poudning and its so cloudy. om just really glad the pain stopped i have a high tolerance for pain and that pain was just so unbearable i thought i was having a heartattch but i didnt have ne of the other symtpoms but it stopped after i threw up so i have no idea what it was.

on a good note my new phone came today. thank fucking god i hated my bros old phone so yay i got my phone back well not my numbers or nething or my pics or my memory card but at least i got a phone. the damn thing wouldnt program though so i had to call and talk to them but he was nice and since its a family plan my mom had to give him premission but hey its all owrking now. mom gave me some of the numbers he had and i foudn the list of numbers i had and put them in and then some of my lovely ana friends txte dme as well for i cuold have their numbers again.

i went on a long walk today as well. i walked almost 2 miles to the library to return wasted and then i went to dunkin donuts and got my medium unsweetened iced tead mom gave me 2 bucks for i could get it. i then walked tot he park walked once around there and then made my trek back home. al together that was 4.2 miles 9,341 steps taken 281 cals burned. my watch did turn it off alil and i didnt realize it so i did lose a lil.

this moring i also ran in place for 45 minutes well not run in place technically i stood with my feet planted and jsut kept my legs moving. i read wasted while i did that so i could finish it and return it to the library.

alos applied to one job today it was at the gap
and i started a new book torment by lauren kate its the sequeal to fallen

miss alisha-they didnt agree with me as u can tell from the above post but mayb u will like them

CE- i had a run in with the toilet today

mich-ima have to look for some aloe and yeah the feeling better didnt last im sorry about ur tummy though

alice-good luck on ur job search as well i hope u have better luck then me

sarah-thanx hunny u really are the best

anorexicmedic-thanx hunny but app this dumb ass town only likes scum bags ugh

believe-i know right ugh

Monday, October 25, 2010

10/25/10

guess who wasnt running back and forth to the bathroom today yup me fuck yes thank fucking god my head wsnt stuck in the toilet and i wasnt shitting my brains out either thank fucking god. can this please keep going cuase im likeing it.

i felt a lil nasouses today and i did have lil stomach pains but that wasnt nuttin to waht i have been feeling.
my chest has been bothering me alot today my sternum and my acutal heart but im dealing with it when my heart hurt to bad or botherd me too badi ate soemthing and it acutally helped so thats a good thing there. i just got over my last heart bothering almost passing out spell so im all good now.

i wanna know y im so damn itchy all the fucking time im fine in the morning i dont start getting itchy til at nite like it cant b dry skin cause i put lotion on everyday but it seemsl ike every ntie im just itchy as fuck its annoying. rightnow its my back thats driivng menuts i was just laying down so idk if thats y or not o well i will deal with it.

i applied to 3 jobs today 2 for macys and one for old navy. im starting to freak out idk how ima pay my november bills so im going crazy and stressing its like y cant some1 just give me a job already im a good person a hard worker and a fast learner im like the ideal employee so y doesnt neone want me ugh.

got an email today my new phone comes tomm thank fucking god i miss that fucker so yay i get it tomm i cant wait i hate this razor phone so damn annoying.

i was planning on going to target sometime this week to get a shit ton of drinks but idk if i should i ahve no money and my credit cards are just going higher a higher so i shoudlnt use them so i use i will just dealw ith the stuff i have idk or mayb i will go alwways need drinks.

i went to the gym today i did 65 min on elly just the manual one level 5 :) i made it to 50 minutes b4 my chest started really hurting the nasoua hit but i finished up the workout had some water and a stick of gym and i was ok then i ate a lil sometihng when i got home it dulled the pain :)

food log
breakfast
*maple and brown sugar oatmeal
*handful bran flakes

lunch
*cup tomato salsa soup
*6 asparagus spears

dinner
*salald(lettuce, peppers, pickle, cucumber)
*baked potato

snacks thru out the day
*3 handful pretzels
*jelly beans

drinks
*huge mug of cal tazo tea
*vitamin water 0
*3 liters of water

i just finished my 3rd liter so ima about to go grab antoher bottle
im planning on having an apple and some hot choc for an snack b4 bed if i dont fall asleep

tomm im finally goign to try those tofu noodles they look good so hopefullly they are good
im also wokring on a new soup recipe the 2 that i have psoted b4 i found online but im working on make my own

acka11- ha ur righti didnt think about the fiber thing b4

because i love who i can become- nope no tablet or pill ornething just sick app my stomach just cant handle much nemore susprislngly imnot losing i think im just too dehyradted and retaining water and stuff

pixiestix014- omg play dough i havent played with playdough in awhile i so need to get msyelf some of that

campaign for slim-im not acutally pruging per say my body isj ust rejecting things yay for coloring in the lines

skinny_el- yeah see i cant draw or paint or nething like that but i love to color and i love me some photoshop im working on getting better

mich-well aoo both our stomachs suck huh i hope that ur feeling better today o i wanna do paint by number

Sunday, October 24, 2010

10/24/10

so i spend way to much time in the bathroom i either got my head in the toilet puking my brains out or im on the toilet shitting them out. go di hate my stomach idk what is wrong with its lik bam all of a sudden im sicker then i have been ina while.

i didnt vomit today mainly cause i didnt have ne dairy i found out that when i throw up its usually from dairy.

well well since i didnt vomit i shit everything out. idk what caused that i still havent figured that out. at least when i do it that way i have nice flat stomach vomiting makes me so bloated.
so my stomach is nice and flat at the moment thank god. bu tim tired of running tothe bathroom so can itjust stop already

today wasnt very interesting at all sundays i never do much. i spent most of my day coloring in my coloring books. yes im 5 years old and i love to color. it calms me my head is clear and its just nice. after i finsih a pic i rip it outof the book and hang it on my wall yeah my wall is getting nice and covered between today and last nite. i colored alot last nite while i was waiting for the boy to come over at ther bar needless to say he didnt and i didnt hear from him either.

im guessing he just went home and went to sleep he had a bad week so mayb he just drank to much. idk im not gonna say nething i dont need him mad at me hes laready not happy that im so sick all the time.

so today i just colored and read fanfics online. i tried to job search but my head just wasnt in it at all so yeah that didnt work i will work out that tomm. also got a shit ton of crunches in as well

no news on my phone its gone ugh fucker can they just give me my damn memory card back for i can have my pics. but i looked online tracking when my replacemtn phone will b here an di should have it by tuesdays. got i hope so i hate the phone i have now. im so use to txtingon a full keyboard that txting normnally is just so werid and it takes me longer but my new phone will b here soon.

o i also got bored today and gave myself a haircut yes i know u can all call me crazy cutting my own hair and shit but it acutally turned out good and even. i just shortened it cause all my ends were dead and i added some layers. i would but a pic up but really i dont wanna put my face here. like i trust all my followers i just dont trust neone else so yeah no face pic and plus im ugly ne way so it would prob scare u all.

my lists are going good. coming along nicely. this is what i got so far. the safe list is food that dont make me sick at all well really just a lil sick the inbetween list is ones that hurt like hell but i dont throw up and then the unsafe list is the foods that i will def with out a doubt throw up ok enough babbling list times

safe
*apples
*mangos
*jelly beans
*oatmeal
*broccolli
*pretzles
*lettuce
*cucumber
*pickles
*asparagus
*carrott red pepper blended soup
*red wine vinager dressing
*chicago fire mustard

inbetween
*tomato salsa soup
*salso
*keebler crackers
*tuna-white albacore
*bananas
*baked potato
*chiken broth
*burger king fries
*burger king side salad no cheese
*chips
*tomatos
*italian dressing

unsafe
*choc chip cookies
*brownines
*paramessan cheese
*v8 broccolli soup
*banana nut muffin
*ice cream
*cheese
*butter margarine

so yeah there are my lists they will keep growing though as i figure things out
tomm im thinking ima try and go to the gym maybe i will just walk on the treamdill again just to b on safe side

beskinny-thanx hun b grateful it didnt happen to u today i just pretty much hid in my room

ce-thanx for giving me ur number again and it suck that ppl steal phones like are they that cheap that they cant buy their own

sarah-thanx hun im thinking karma isjust kickin my ass at the moment

pixiestix014-wait u srsly lost 8 phones wow damn sorry. righ tnow im partail to the mixed berry one

mich-yeah i know im crazy but i have issues with sitting still so even when im sick i wanna keep moving even if its hard to move im crazy like that o and dinner stayed down thnk god

Saturday, October 23, 2010

10/23/10

ugh today was just insane not a good day at all and it sucks.

it didnt start out good at all i threw up and threw up alot i didnt think i had that much food in my damn body to throw up the amount that i did.
firist time it was just white foamy stuff but it could also been the banana i ate a few hours earlier yes a few hours my body doesnt disguist fast so yeah.
i ate my banana nut muffin and i knew after the first bite that it was gonna come back up caus ei just felt so bad but it acutally taste good so i ate it all and since ima glutton for punishment i had like 2 spoons of ice cream
yeah that came up too alot came up i swear it was 4 toilet flushes thats how much came up .

u know that whe u throw up alot u gotta flush it in between yeah thats what happened 4 times it just kept coming andc oming it was crazy and im like wtf enough already and it didnt help that at one point the muffin got stuck so i had to use my fingers so now my knuckles are even wrose then there were that are very very red like obvious red and its been hours.

when my body finally decided that it was done i went to get up for i coul clean the toilet andmyself up yeah i went to stand and just feel like right down back tot he ground. i just layed there for a minute and finally deicded that i had to get myself up and cleaned. so i picked myself and cleaned everything and sprayed the bathroom for it didnt smell like vomit. now granted my parents now that certain things just dont sit with me do they know that it makes me throw up or that there are times were i force food up nope they are oblivious to that and to evertyhing

i got myself in to my room and just layed there. b4 the second season of vomiting i aksed my mom to get me some more powerade 0 since she was going out. she got me 2 bottles one strawberry and one mixed berry. so i knew that was on the way so i just layed there for awhle shaking like a leaf and jsut waited.

i konw something is really wrong with me that im vomiting all the time but i cant help it and i dont have the resources to go tot he doctor so ima just deal with it and the foods that come up are never to b eaten again.

im still alil shaky from this morning but im ok i didnt fall down again after that one time well had a few clsoe calls but i caught myself b4 i went completely down.

when mom got home i had a cup of powerade 0 and an apple and just relaxed for an hour until i got up to go wash my car. i know u guys prob think im crazy for washing my car after throwing up so much in the morning but i twas acutally nice today well chilly but i wanted to get one last car wash in b4 it got really cold and i coudlnt do it nemore.

i spent about and hour and half washing the outside and iw as gonna go start on the inside after i trew some things away. yeah so i come back outside an dmy phone is gone it like fucking disappeared like poof into thin air. the funny thing is i always havem y phone on the proch whiel im cleaning andi never had aproblem with it b4. but this time app some ass fuck of a mother fucking sucm bag decided to take it. like y take the phone when my car keys were sitting right there. but hey im gald they didnt take my keys that would b bad

im just so pissed i had so much on my phone. all my numbers htank god i had most of them written down though but not all so i lost some which sucks hey Em if u read this i need ur number again i emailed u too. but i also lost all my pics taht were on there and my memory card that was in there i didnt get around to tranfsermy pics onto my computer so i lost everything. and im just freaking out cause i had self harm pics on there i dont want ppl seeing those they arent meant to b seen there wre for me only hence y they were on my phone. also lost all my pics of my new lil baby cousin and the pics i had of my other cousins. i had all my outfits on there and pics of my body not like naked ones but like progress ones. and its like y the fuck did some1 have to take it. i also had allm y exericse logs on there as well ugh ass fucks.

i fucking hate this fucking town and the fucking scum asshats that live here. .ikke ugh my phone barely worked neway but it was my phone but those fuckers are in for a treat ha. i have the env touch and it has its issues. 1) it randomly turns off for no reason b) i dropped it and the casing isnt all on so the buttons are all screwy like i will push the msg button on the touch screen and the volume thing will come up 3) the front screen doesnt work all the time likeit will go black or blue or green and d) the insdie screen does that as well

so its not like its gonna auctally owrk for them but i lost alot of shit and ugh it sill makes me pissed u have no fucking idea.

me and my bro went on line and suspened the service then he found hes old razor and we tranfered my number to that phone. also filed a claim on the webiste for my lost phone so i will getmy replacemtn phone in about 2 days. i had to pay $90 for it though ugh well that was my 2nd replacemtn so its understandable. and i do get a brand new env touch out of the deal that phone is like $400 online so yeah i am getting a good deal on it and i get a new battery and charger as well.

but im not use to this phone i have now and its old and my bros front screen is broken doesnt work at all so i pretty much just leave it flipped open fori know how is calling or txting. but its a phone and its good neough for now idk what i would do if my bro didnt have taht cause i cant b witho ut a phone no1 knows my house number all my applications have my cell number and my boyfriend or anan friends wouldnt b able to get ahole of me either but crisis averted yay for that.

oo also today got aletter aobutmy unemplyoment benefits i applied there decision so now they send me another letter saying i will b having a phone hearing on november first to talk about the appeal and to make a decsion like fuck just give me the money its my money i earend it stop giving it to scum bags who never worked. ive been working since i was 18 i earned it. and its not like im just sitting here doing nuttin im applying to jobs a shit fuck ton load of jobs and im just not getting called back. i need a job mom said that they would help me wit my november bills but i dont want their help cause then i owe them and oweing them is not something i want. so i guess we will c.

i pained my nails bright yellow and i had a pic of them toshow u guys but yeah they are on the stolen phone so no pics im so sorry they arelike bright bright yellp though :) and its a change for me cause i usually wear dark colors like black or dark dark blue thats its almots blue

so yeah the food that i acutally kept down so far today was apple, 3 pretzles, and fewjelly beans.

dont ask me what was thrown up cause theres no way a muffin and alil ice cream produced that much vomit so i guess it ws the food form yesterday as well but who knows.

dinner im planning a huge salad(lettuce, apple, pickle, cucumber) and thena cup of my carrot red pepper soup(53 cals for that)

so that will b dinner i will prob munch on some pretzels later caus eyeahi just love pretzels and they are good on my sotmach.

im all alone tonite its saturday so im in for the nite sicne the boy si going out so i will prob just read either fanfics or wasted prob combo of both an di will watch tv watching food network right now its the cake challange so its a good one

love ua ll and stay strong u are all amzing

last nite

so last nite we went to our old high school football game. it was so cold i mean really cold like 30 degrees and windy cold. an dim always cold to 2 began with so i was extra cold and i wasall bundled up as well but my the end of the game i coudlnt feel my legs or my feet at all. we were sitting outside from 6pm-10pm 4 hours of coldness. i went tot he bathroom at halftime and i coudlnt gert my fingers to work my belt and there was a line i guess ppl were talking cause when i came out the lady be hind went shut up we are girls we are allowed to take longer so i guess she was standing up for me.

but i got a few lectures last nite yup lecture time. he had a back week and it gets taken out on me which is fine if he wants to take it out on me im fine with it ijust sat there and jsut nooded my head shut myself off.

i almost passed out which didnt help the situation at all. it was right b4 i had to go pick him up. i got so hot like sweating hot and it was like in the 40's then so its not sweating weater but i was hot i was sweating so shaky like i coudlnt even stand it was so bad adn then my head and my heart it was scary i hate passing out. i didnt have time to do nething cause i had to go get him so ijust tooke a sip of water and packed some pretzels that i woiuld eat on the way there. i put the windo down and just let the cold air hit me it didnt help but when i got him and he got in the drivers seat(we takem y car everywhere) i grabbed my pretezels and started breaking them up an dmunching on them.

now that kinda tipped him off he knows i dont eat unless i have to hes like u hungry im like now ima pass out. hes like what thats not good for u for ur blood pressure ur blood pressure and especially ur heart. im like im sorry hes like did u eat today im like yeah i had pretzels he didnt liek that answer. im like i knwo i can keep pretzels down they are good on my stomach and i didnt wanna b sick on u and he understood that but said i had to start taking care of myself more.

then he asked the alst time ithrew up was which was wednesday hes like y are u thrwoing up all of a sudden r u throwing up cause ur not eating im like no im throwin gup cause i am eating and it makes me not want to eat even more. i toldhim all the stuff im thrwoing up is dairy or things with dairy in it. hes like so that just got wrose no more dairy for u.

and hes right the dairy thing did get bad and i wasnt lieing when i said i dont want to eat cause i really dont want to i hate being sick all the tiem i hate not kwnoing if iwhat ima eat is gonna come right back up in a matter of minutes its horrid.

the one thing he did say was that all my years of not eating is finally catching up to me. that over the past year my health has declined to so much that ih ave to take better care of myself.

the thing is idk how to take better care of myself idk how to leave with outthis ed so its so hard for me. and its not lie i can get help i dont have a job to pay for it or insurance. no therapist will help me cause im either to fucked up or i wont admit myself. im not sickenough for help i dont meet all the requirments for it. so i iwll just keep doing what im doing and hope it doesnt kill me b4 i get the help i need.

well so yesterday i ate pretzles(idk how many but i had a plate of them at lunch and then a sandwhich bag of them them when i almost passed out)
then for dinner since we didnt leave the game til late we just stopped at burger king he got me a side salad and medium fry. it took me so long to eat it cause i was scared it was gonna make me sick and it was starting to. he ketp asking if i was ok that i dont have to eat it if it was making me sick but i wanted him to not b mad at me so i ate it. i pulled off as much of the cheese as i could off the salad but there was still some left so that didnt help at all. well i ate almost the hole salad its just a lil thing i love it but i left a few bites cause thats just how i am an di did eat the fries.

i felt so bad afterwards but i didnt wan thim to c me puke so i managed to keep it in. i just layed there cureld up in a ball under the covers and just curled up with him while he held me and kept asking if i was ok. i did eventaully fall asleep but he kept waking me up to make sure i was ok i guess i was still sahking and stuff in my sleep.
i coiudlnt sleep after he left so i had a banana that is threatenign to come up with the food form last nite an di got a huge mug of decaf black chai tea in front of me.
its freezing out right now but its suppose to warm up like almost 70's so i might wash my car today get one last good wash in b4 its really to cold to do it.

iw ill prob update later on how my day went
and ima make a tab now for my recipes for u guys can c them. i only got 2 right now but hey its something and they are both soup so i will do that now
love u all

bellana-ha sure u can have my legs if u really want them and thank u for everything ur always there for me

skinny_el-thanx hunny

acka11- i know ur righthtere i would rather vomit then b dizzy

ana- i know right u are right there i did burn cals and didnt pass out so good thing it jus wasnt the workout im use to

anorexicmedic-yeah do sii out no money no job no insurance so no doc im just to the pain and everything but thanx hun

mich-yeah it sucks the alwasy recal the stuff that works best and then su ppl who really need it cant get it and then ahve to suffer well im glad im not the only one who gets them but ims orry u get themt oo

Friday, October 22, 2010

10/22/10

outfit



im still 102 lbs ew yes i weighed myself today ugh
i got so many layers on in that pic a tank top then a sweater thena tshirt over top of that and then the hoodie and then there will b ajoacker as well im b outside today so i need to b bundled up its suppose to drop in the 30's today cold im cold already and it didnt even drop yet

i went shopping wiht my mom today and she bought me things she acutally bought me more then i asked for yesterday and then complained about the bill but then when she got home said it was ok i needed it so i got
*bag of apples
*bag of celery
*bag of carrots
*1 red bell pepper
*bundle of asparagus
*can tomato soup
*can of chicken noodle soup
*box sodium free chicken buillion packetts
*box of special k cinnaomon pecan cereal
*box of bran flakes
*lettuce
*2 bags of the tofu shirataki noodles
*1 onion
*chicago fire mustard
*bannana nut muffin

some of those things are used for the soup i made so yeah but she offered to get me the extra things so yeah i said ok she always bought me the muffin but i didnt eat it i havent throw up today and i wanted to keep it taht way so i kept it for tomm.

today all i had was some pretzels dipped in chicago mustart and cup of chicken broth sodium free. also had half liter of water and vitamin water 0

im going witht he boy tonite to a high school football game an then we are going out to eat so.
but love u all
o and i'll post the recipe for my new soup tomm

Thursday, October 21, 2010

10/21/10

i woke up today nasouses and dizzy that was a nice change ha not really. srsly id rather just throw up then wake up nasouses its not a good feeling at all. i hate waking up like that but good news i kept everything down today score one for me. now usually when i have agood day the next day will b bad please don tlet that happen idk how much more my body can take chestpains everyday suck.

but neway i was really nasouses and dizzy had to keep blinking just to keep for getting too dizzy and fall over dont need to b passing out or nething. i had my brakfast and waited a good 2 hours b4 i did nething just to make sure it was acutally gonna stay in and it did so i deicded to go tot he gym i was still extremely dizzy so i decided to just walk on the treadmill. i set it for the random hill workout level 7 speed 3.0 and just read wasted the hole time. i made sure i had one hand holding one to the bar in front just in case i got 2 dizzy and decided to fall. but i stayed upright. after i finsihed my workout i went to go walk downstairs. yes my gym as 2 levels i alwasy go upstairs to the treadmills and elliptiacls. but neway when to go walk downstairs and alwasy fell i had to hold on to the wall for dear life but i made it down and to the locker room to get my stuff. i ate 3 tictacs when i got to the car i needed soemthing to b able to drive home.

the nasousness left after lunch but i still had the dizziness in some form all day.
i spent 2 hours standing in place and just moving my legs. it was like running in place but i kept my feet on the floor the hole time ijust kept my legs moving and bending. yes 2 hours straight my feet hurt so bad after that and my back was so tight but it was so worth it and i got to read more of waster.

i had to lay down after that though cause my heart decided to do the hole werid skippy beat thing that makes me feel like shit.

i convinced my mom to buy me soup ingredients though i foudn this new soup recipe i want to try so im going with her tomm to get the ingredients and she also said she would buy me more apples and those tofu asian noodles thingys. i hope that i can find them cause no glutton nocholestrol no dairy so they shoudl acutally not make my stomach hurt or make me throw up.

my chest has been bothering me all day if its not my sternum hurting its right under my ribs im tired of that pain everyday andim tired of being tired everyday but i guess that i just have to deal with it. im sure my heart isnt in the best condition with the throwing up ive been doing my excessive purging int he past and my always starvingmyself but hey its still hanging inthere so thats a good thing

food log
breakfast
*low sugar maple and brown sugar oatmeal-120

lunch
*cup tomato salsa soup-57
*pretzels w mustard-150(im over estimating not sure so thought 150 was a good number)

snack
*jelly beans-it was a handful so dk cals

dinner
*baked potato no skin with garlic powder and red peppers-110
*2 cups broccoli-60

snack
*apple-60

drinks
*2 liters water
*32 fl oz powderade - strawberry
*vitamin water 0 mega c
*huge mug tazo calm tea
*half liter water with green tea promgrante mix

exercise
*65 min tready level 7 random hill workout speed 3.0-215 cals burned
*then whatever i burned doing the sorta runningin palce for 2 hours

the baked potaot hurt like a bitch so that went on the inbetween list everything else was ont eh safe list

bellana-yeah im not really losing cause im vomiting so much im dehryadted and retaining water so the scale isnt being nice to me i acutally hide it on myself today ha

ce-oatmeal went good

mich-yeah no tums dont work the only thing that worked was rolaids but they recalled them and dont make them nemore sucks.yeah idk what she was thinking either ireland looked so pretty

lou-thanx hun and i take mutlivitamin everday i hope u feel better too

ana-yeah they really are teh wrose and i did bring my powerade 0 with me to the gym thanx for everything hun u really have been the best

beskinny- on u were on dp really thats cool and yeah this blog has been going on for awhle now its my escape. yeah the boy is the best and puts up with alot from me. i will never like the way i look though its inevitable thanx hun

marsh.sara- yeahi think we all hate dizzy spells im getting use to thtem though and ive drank so much powerade 0 lately i hate it i hate the taste of it i really dont wanna drink it nemore it does help but i hate the taste i was never much of a sports drink person thanx hun im always here for u too

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

10/20/10

i had every intention of going to the gym today and just walking on the treadmill reading my book for like 2 hours but yeah that didnt work out as ihad planned.

i woke up and as soon as i moved got chest pains lovely i just love those so fucking much u have no idea ugh its always something with me. so yeah the chest pains werent fun and it took awhle for them to completely go away.

o and yeah i threw up the morning lovely i knew yesterday was too good to b true of course. it was my own fault this morning i had a few of my moms cookies she made i prob wouldnt of thrown up if i didnt eat those but i did. and the bad thing was they got stuck in my throat when they were coming up so i had to help it come up. so im guessing it was a half purge idk what to call it. i swear my knuckles are never gonna heal this way they are getting worse and u can clearly c how discolored they are from the other ones.

i relaxed for awhile and just read then had some lunch which i actually managed to keep down it hurt my stomach but it stayed in and it didnt come back up.

i was feeling better so i decided to go for a long walk i bought some change withme just in case u know i needed to get soemthing well good thing that i did. i got really dizzy like 3 times on my walk like so dizzy i had to stop andjust stand there to make sure i was gonna b ok. im really fucking up my electrolytes with this throwing up and if i coudl stop it i would but i cant its my bodies doing not me. but at the first dizzy spell i was standing waiting to cross the street and there wa sa telephone pole so i just leaned against that til i could cross. i went int ot he store and bought a 32 fl oz bottle of powerade zero mixed berry. i took a sip of it and it did help a lil. only bad thing was i had to talk and carry the damn thing. i walked around town for a whle and endedup at the park. yay for swings i love to sing :) i swang for about 15 minutes got off and almost feel over dizzy spell number 2 i just stood there til i was ok an di continued my walk. i decided at that point it was time for me to go home so i started walking i had one other lile dizzy spell but i was ok. i had a few chest pains as well but nuttin that im not use too.

i managed to apply to some jobs today everytime i look its the same thing over and over and most of them i applied to already but i found 4 of them at that i didnt so i applied to those. one was recepontist work another was accoutning work and then the other 2 were for retail work. one was at gnc that would b nice discount on diet pills :) and the other was a lil kids clothing store.

i made my safe, inbetween, and unsafe lists well started them at lease. i glues white lined paper on bright construstion paper. safe is bright pink, inbetween is blue and unsafe is yellow. i have the unsafe list becasue there are foods that hurt my stomach and make my acid reflux act up a lil but ti doesnt make me throw up. the unsafe list is the food that makes me throw up an dof course u know what the safe list is. so those are started and i will keep adding to them as the time goes on.

also started my recipe book. its just a notebookt aht i found that ima write my recipes in so far there is only 2 ha. i got my tomato salsa soup. and this new soup that i foudn today moms gonna buy me th eingredients on friday for i can amke it but its carrot and red pepper soup it sounds yummy

food log
breakfast(this was thrown up stupid body)
*5 ouonces mango
*3 choc chip cookies
*huge mug of black chai tea

now let me tell u mango coming back up hurts and it burns just a warning

lunch
*cup tomato salsa soup-57
*apple-60

having the soup wasnt the best idea it burned my throat like crazy

snack
*jelly beans

dinner
*keebler club crackers-not sure how maany i had
*can white alabacore tuna-120

drinks(that i acutally kept down)
*huge mugh green tea with progrante
*liter of water
*32 fl oz powerade zero mixed berry

exercise
*9,584 steps taken- 296 cals burned

idk if ima try and go to gym tomm or just go for another walk it depends on how i feel in the morning

mich- i show now what u mean i explain it to my grandfather everytime i c him and its like fuck how many times do i have to say it. damn ur mom but i know how u feel about the grease grease gets me too but im a sucker for garlic i can acutally eat that i put garlic powder on everything

rozy- i know i just wanna stop eating for i can stop throwing up and feeling shitty like fuck

skinny_el-its was a very nice campus smaller then normal but still very nice
and i love that soup i can keep it down but it makes my acid reflux flare up but at least it stays down an dit was a great epi last ntie wasnt it

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

10/19/10

so im sitting here with half liter of water, huge mug of decaf black chai tea, club crackers and cup of my homemade tomato salsa soup an dmy god that good is gonna stay down
i know ppl might think im crazy for wanting the food to stay down but just wait til u get tot he point were ur body rejects pretty much everything and it gets ride of it all on it own trust me its not fun to have to becareful with what u eat and when u are going newhere jut in case ur body decided its time to throw up th efood u ate.
yesterdays 3 throw ups waasnt fun at all
but im doing better today havent thrown up yet thank god but thats prob cause i have only eaten 2 apples so far.

i know the soup might b hard cause its so acidic and me and that stuff dont get along either but i hope it stays in my head and body cant take much more of this im sure my electrlyets are all fucked up now from almost a week of this.

ima start a list of good foods and bad food im sure the bad food list will b lng as fuck the bad food will b all the food that i either throw up my stomach cant handle or just make me completely sick

good food will b all the stuff that i can eat safely so far the only thing on there is apples cause me and apples got along really well today.

im really tired my day just kept going and going.
in the morning i went with my sister to do some last minute running around she had to do that involvev: michaels, target, riteaide, payless and old navy.

after we fianllly got all that down we had to stop at my grandfathers of course for she can say bye and its never a short visit hi fulll blown italian grandfather there. they aske dmy sis if she gained weght yet referring tot he freshman 15 and their comment was to me that im still as small as ever and could stand to put on some lbs. since it was lunch time they tried to make us eat.

so we had to have the hole i cant have nething acidic dairy and pelase no meat conversaion that lasted awhile like its not hard to understand that i cant eat those things eventually i got away with just eating an apple and the gave me a banana to take with me. my sis ate some chicken and they gave her a bag of choc to take.

me and dad took her back to school today which involved adn hour and half car ride ugh im sore. but we coudlnt find ne parking right in front of her dorm so we had to park acorss the street and amke 2 trips. first trip i had a bin full of her clothes an ihad to stop a few times it was heavy but i made it and carreid it to her room. then the second trip i had her blankets and her big ass heavy duffel bag. i will prob have a nice bruise on my leg and shoulder from it but o well i burned cals doing that.

we got her all settled in and we walked around campus a lil for she coudlnt show it to me ive never seen it its a nice li cmapus its cute
so i burned 259 cals just walking around with her
idk how many cals i burned carrying the stuff cause im to itred to figure it out

ima just relax now and watch one tree hill :) and then the teen mom reunion special. my body is sore from just evertyhign but tomm ima try to go to the gym prob just walk on tready there idk if imy body can handle nething else yet

ash-thanx hun i just think gettign sick is gonna b a permanent thing now ugh not lokking forward to it

rozy-ur not weird either hun some ppl just dont want kids there is nuttin wrong with that. and omg i love er and house as well and thats what im diong fruits and soups and stuff gotta take it easy on my stomach

sarah-thanx hunny

acka11-o that sounds yummy

skinny_el-thanx hun yeah me and here are really close so its nice to spend time with her

mich-yeah i knwo i will c her on thankgsiving it will all work out and b ok and yeah i know i should prob just go on treadmill tomm and just walk

Monday, October 18, 2010

10/18/10

so today i just spent alot of time with my sister. me and my dad are taking her back to school tomm and she wont b back til thanksgiving so siter time was in need. my mom was suppose to go with us but app her priotierites arent in check cause she wants to stay home and watch the phillies instead yeah ok mom.

well neway me and my sis spent time together today :) the first thing we did was this morning go to the mall mom cam with us this time. she need some "teacher" clothes for school as she put it. shes going to going for teaching and she has to do field work/study and stuff so she needs dressy clothes for when she goes and do that. and then we went to 2 diffrent grocery stores for she can get more food to bring with her to school. i managed to get my mom to buy me 6 apples and a shirt.

o the shirt is so cute its a blue graphic tee. i love it it has a pic of peeps on it and says "chillin with my peeps" so cute i love graphic tees and i have a werid sens eof humor so yeah.

but i got her to get me 6 apples 2 the green kind of course and i almost got her to buy me soyjoy bars but coudlnt find them so none of those.

god u should c allt he food my sis is brining back with her to school
*choc chip cookies
*choc peanut butter cookies
*brownines
*2 boxes tasty cake cupcakes
*boxes dunaroos
*like 6 things of gold fish crackers
*mike and ikes and peeps(my aunt)
and a shit ton of other stuff too i even gave her my granola bars popcorn and choc mouse so yeah i was bad i gave her food too but i didnt want it nemore

but she wants to lose weight too she did gain a lil while being away not alot just alil but her cheering uniform is tight and its a 2 piece so she wants to lose a lil weight to look better in it. shes like ima just starve myself for 2 weeks i just looked at her shes like yeah i know but i wanna lose weight. so i told her toj ust cut back on the soda and drink water. she decided to go with gatorade instead which is fine. breakfast she said she wasj ust gonna have whatever isin her room b4 class and lunch and diiner either salad or sandwhcih or wrap. i told her to get grillled chicken on turky for the protein. like i know she said she was gonna starve but i know my sister she loves food she is nuttin like me or u guys she doesn thave it in her to have a full blown ed i know her trust me. but i told her those things u know water and that shit for she would know but yeah was i stupid for that or seomthing like i didnt tell her to starve i just told her to b healthier.

we baked the cookies and the brownies shes taking back well really mom did iti just sat down there with them and hung otu with my sis. my autn came over as well and while i was throwing up the cookie yup i threw up and not on purpose she was like u got stomach issues too im like yeah. so i found out my grandmother their mother had a shit ton of stomach issues as well. so on my moms side i got stomach issues and on my dad sie i got high blood pressure and cholestrol. so add in my ed an dim pretty much just fucked so yay for that lets just embrace my fuckedup life that i cant do nething about lovely.

i tried applyging for jobs today while my sis whent to go visit her frieds at cheering practice but yeah idk if it was my computer or the fucking sites but i didnt get ne applications in like fuck i would start them and then the site just wouldnt budge so ugh fml again.

we went tot he mall a second time as well today after dinner she wanted to get a few more things. we went in to strawberry(go di love that store) but i told her that i wasnt allowed to buy nething and she wouldnt let me. she got 3 pairs of jeans and this really cute top thati ma have to borrow when she comes home again. she also got this mocassin things that she loves so much at a different store.

we had to stop at myaunts house for she could get the cookies she baked and to say buy so yeah sis left with even more food god my aunts are crazy and yeah i left with a box of crackers the keebler club ones i like those and they are no milk so im ok with that its just i tend to eat way to many crackers but yeah o well i will not bingeon them im saying that right now.

tomm i think we are leaving to take her back around 230pm she said so that gives us the morning together and more running around. she wants to go to target and muchales still so we will do that tomm.

but i threw up 3 times today 3 sepearte times. there was no blood and it wasnt alot of throw up just u know alil of the milk sutff i had.
throw up number1-raw cookie dough
throw up number2-cooked cookie
throw up number3-salad

when we were baking i had like 2 lil finger scoops of the raw cookie dough that kida came up right away and when there were done i had a few cookies ijust love them right out of the oven dont worry they didnt stay in long either. like im not doing it on prupsoe my stomach just cant handle them and it gets rid of themall on its own
the thrid time was a lil bit of my salad c i boughtthe grilled chicken cease salad no dressing a few days ago and just havent eaten it but i ate it today an dyeah part o fit stayed down parto f it didnt c ceasers have a lil paramessan cheese on them.

but my plan for tomm is to have oatmeal and some mango for breakfast i had that today an dit didnt make me sick or throw up or nething
lunch b4 we go ima have a cup of my tomato salsa soup that prob wont stay down cause of all the acid from the tomatoes
dinner ima do some veggies
ima bring a fruit bar with me just in case i need it and im hoping and praying that my dad doesnt wanna stop for food or nething cause yeah i really dont need grease or nething like that

im feeling ok today just really tired im not as sore my chest still bothers me but im doing better. but i cant do much like i was starting to get really weak and light headed an ddizzy while we were out shopping the first time i though i was gonna throw up and pass out but i didnt i made it home and had biscuit and some grapes and it helped but app i cant do much yet cause my body is so weak from just everything
im hoping that i can go to the gym on wednesday i havent been in a few days and its killing me

loveu all

ash-o i bet it meant alot to her for u to spend time with her

acka11-whats turkish delight if u dont mind me asking. c idont mind the crying and everything they are just so precious and cute when they are that small

ana-omg i know im weak with candy id rather have sweets then enthing else so yeah but i gave soem of the food away i kept the jelly beans though and yeah halloween candy is a bitch

sarah-i love them too

mich- iknow they just smell the greatest and they reallydo but in a good way

skinny rose-yeah c im one of those weridos who loves kids and i want kids of my own eventaully and it helps that they are my cousins so it is a lil diffrent and of couse i was thinking about u crazy and ur new plan doesn sound good keep me updated on it all. yeah idk if it was the dairy or a combo of the dairy and the pills i took and the purging i did the day b4 but i know the vomiting jus the food is from the dairy cause as soon as i eat it it just comes right back up. ima avoid it as best ican from now on though

Sunday, October 17, 2010

10/17/10

well ij ust got home from my aunts house well really i got home an hour ago but i was talking to my mom and then reading all the updates for the blogs i follow so yeah but im updating now.

i got to my aunts house at 11am and left at 430pm so i was there for a good amount of time. and god the kids so cute so tiring but so cute and adorable an dilove them somuch u have no idea :). and its a good workout taking care of a 10 month old and 1month old at the same time. my aunts like idk what i would of done without u. im like im use to this im always taking care of at least 2 kids at a time its nuttin for me. it really is i can have one kid on my hip another walkiing beisdes me and getting food ready for them at the same time. u learn to mutli task when u have 2 young ones to watch.

i spent most of the time on the couch holding the 1 month old god new born babies to just smell so damn good i love the smell and no its not weird they really to smell good. another part of my time was spent chasing after the 10 month old that lil bugger can run and run good so its alway back and forth up and doen the hall then up and down in my arms. he likes to cuddle alot so some of the times he just wants to b held and nuttin else.

nuttin like significant happened or nething it was just me and teh kids taking care of them jsut hanging out and playing with them. iim really sore and tired and its making my body hurt even worse but i knew that was gonna happen.

my aunt insisted on buying me lunch of course she was just gonna get us a pizza but i had to remind her that i cant do pizza so i just got a small grilled chicken ceaser salald dressing on the side. i took care of the kids myself while my aunt and her son (my cousin hes 13) ate and then he took like new born and the 10 month old pretty much sat by me while i ate my salad slowly an di mean slowly. my stomach and still all skittish from friday so i have to b ecareful i did the fork dipping trick for my dressing ad even just that lil bit of food made my stomach hurt so bad bu ti didnt say nething to my aunt cause i dont want ppl worrying about me. i know hot to b in pain butnot show it so thats what i did.

she also slwasy has candy out like mike and ikes jelly beans u know that knd of stuff so i had a small handful of jelly beans and a small handful of candy corn. then i tried these 2 lil pieces fo choc bad i dea though my sotmach is in nots right now from it.

but i did have a nice talk with my uncles hes having issues with milk as well and there iscertain things he can eat i cant like he can have bread with milk in it i cant cause it hurs but he said the only ice cream he can eat is mint choc chip. and thats one of my fav so i think i might try that sometime just to c how it goes u know like i hope to god i dont puke blood again but hey we will never know until u try.

b4 i went i had a biscuit my mom made for dinner yesterday i just grabbed it real quick b4 i walked out of the door. and when i got home i didnt feel like making enthing so i just grbbed another biscuit and jsut heated up a lil bit of potates and some garlic noodles. my stomach hurts from it cause the noodles were cooked in butter and the potates were fried i should of just took the time to make something ugh learned my leasson though.

i got a huge cup o decaf chai hot tea sittingin front of me it taste so good and yummy

oo yeah on another note my aunt works for just born and she gets all this sutff at discounted rates so shes alwasy has a shitload of shit at her house and evertime u visist she sned u home with alot of stuff and today was no differeent.
for my mom she got a huge bag of peanut chews
my sis got a fuck ton of mike and ikes
and i got these




* ahuge ass bag of jelly beans(she knows i am powerless when it comes to jelly beans
*3 snack size bagsof wheat pretzels(theya rent form just born but she had them so gave them to me
*then peeps(she read the labels no milk so fuck me)

im prob spending soem time with my sis tomm she goes back to school on tuesday mom mentioned that she wanted to ask me to go tot he mall with her to go to strawberry i abs love taht store and ihave no money but knowing me i will use my credit card and get a few things they have great stylish things for not that expensive which i love :)

ima spend the rest of the nite just relaxing my body hruts so bad from lifting the kids up and down my chest my ribs my back im still in alot of pain from friday and i didnt lseep much alst nite cuase when i layed down it made the pain worse at one point i coudlnt even lay on my bed i had to lay on top of my pillows on top of my bed and that only gave some relief so yeah it fucking sucks but nuttin i can do about it til my body deicded it wants to stop hurting

ash- hey hun dont worry about me im fine im still alive and i know i should go to the docs but i dont have the money ims ure if i vomit blood againt he boy will drag me to the hospital so no worries there

mich-ha ur nuts and it makes me love u even more im the same way i will tell ppl to go tot he doctors all the time but i will never go myself so dont worry im a hyprocrtie as well. and i am im drinking alot and taking it easy yesterday i drank 3 liters of water and 32 fl oz bottle of powerade 0 so yeah an dima stop the dairy as much as i can to avoid the blood from happening

Saturday, October 16, 2010

realization

u know when something happens and it just hits u like a ton of bricks its like bam holy fuck i really am sicker then i thought i was or i cant keep doing this cause i really am going to die. its like realization time and it always hits at the weirdest time well it does for me at least.

it hit me when i was leaned over the toilet puking up blood no food barely ne water just blood and i dont mean like just spit and hi there is a lil blood there i mean fingers covered toilet covered in blood it was not fun and it was acutally really scary. im scaring myself now im scaring the boy even more.

we went to tgi fridays last nite i love their dragnonfire chicken its so yummy and good and the hole plate is like 400 and some calories an di never eatmore then half my food but yeah thats not the point.

my mom got me those lactaid pills yesterday to help with my hole dairy issue. i took them for the first time with the mcflurry that my sis made me eat. i got the worst and i mean wrost stmach pains ever and my chest was killing me even more.
then i took them for a secodn time with dinner cause the boy got potato skins for appy and i alwasy have to eat at least 1 of hes appy i felt really sick after that as well. then my food came an di was eating it and ijust kept feeling sicker an dsicker and sicker.

he noticed i wasnt looking good and he asked if i was ok im like yeah im just gonna puke hes like u sure im like yeah but i wanna wait til we get home. hes like will u make it home the bathroom is right there if u wont. im like yeah i dont wanna throw up here its to public i wanna wait til we get home. so we go home and he wants to stop at hes house real quick but he says that i cfan just drop him off go home do what i have to and thens ome get him again so that is what happens.

i walk up stairs drink some water and go to the bathroom and yes blood just blood he says i was gone for like 20 minutes so i guess i was throwing up blood for a lil while then. im so sore everything just hurts i cant breathe to deep cause it hurts my ribs, i cant cough or laugh casue it feels like my sternum is just gonna crack open, i cant lay in one postion for 2 long cause all my bones just hurt so bad.

he just held me last nite while im shaking like a leaf and trying to not throw up more he kept saying that everything was gonna b ok that i was gonna b ok that i wasnt gonna take those pills nemore and i was gonna eat ne diary nemore when we go out u can get a dessert with out ne dairy u can just eat ur salads and fruits and it will b ok.

i think im really starting to scare him with this cause throwing up blood isnt normal at all an didk y it happened or what caused it to happen. he had to practically like carry me out of the restraruant he just put hes arm around me and helpd me up for i barely had to walk.

no gym today even though i want to but i hurt so bad just sitting here is hard so i cant imagine working out at all.
i am gonna shower evenutally an di need to go get gas my gas light is about to turn on. then even though i have no money ima take my credit card and go to target. i need more tea, flavored water. i also need to find some drinks with electrolytes in them since i threw up 2 days in a row an di still feel like im gonan now my electrolytes are prob all fucked up so i need to get like gatorade or powerade soemthing like that. and since i cant eat my granola bars nemore since they have dairy in them gonna try and find some soy bars. and then i will look at the books and the moives see if i find soemthing that catches my eye and isnt expensive at all.

tomm im going over my aunts house to help her take care of 3 o fmy lil cousins the littlest ones. my cousin wants to take P to dorney for the halloween thing at the kids section so my aunt offered to watch the other 2 my cousin was like u sureu want both at one day and my aunts like yeah i will b fine danis coming over too to help so i will get to c the 2 kids tomm and they will help me fele way better i love them so much.

so ima relax for alil evenutally shower and start my day i might update later u knowme i always have more to say

Friday, October 15, 2010

10/15/10

outfit



weight-102 lbs bmi-17 ew gross that was got to change and change quickly if u ask me

i feel so fat and gross adn bloated right now my sis came home for the wkd from college and everytime she comes home she makes me eat something and today it was mcdonlads m&m mcflurry i nearly puked just eating it me and dairy dont mix me and grease dont mix so yeah im not feeling to great right now and it took me 4ever to pick out an outfit cause everything i put on just made me look fat but im running out of time so i decided on that.

so yeah lik ei said my sis is home an divemissed her so much im glad she is home but damn can that girl its shes been home for aboit 3hours now and she has already eaten a plate of baked ziti, 2 hamburgers(mcdonalds), small fry(mcdonalds) and oreo mcflurry(mcdonalds).

i didnt want to eatmuch today ididnt wanna eat nething at all io never wanna eat the day after i purge an di was doing good and yup then sis comes home and that all goes out the window.
today had
*2 cups sodium free chicken broth-20
*peppermint tea
*half liter of water
*apple-65
*strawberry banana non dairy smoothie
*m&m mcflurry(ugh damn sister)

im not hungry at all an di really dotn wanna eat out tonite but i have no choice i will just have to make the best of it

my throat is sore my hole body hurts my one knuckle is still nice and red and my chest is killing me everytime i breathe to hard to laugh or cough i get the worse pain in it ever
and the broken blood vessesl on my face are still broken i was hoping they would b faded by now

i gotta go though finish getting ready i will read all ur blogs tomm and i will tell u about date nite as well
love ua ll

Thursday, October 14, 2010

10/14/10

so i just disappointed alot of u i just disapointed myself but if had to b done there was no ifs ands or buts about it they food had to come out and i had to make it come out so i did and its gone now and i feel like idk tired and weak my head is pounding and cloudy but i feel better that the food is out

id on tremember how long its been since i last purged which is a good thing since then that means its been awhile yeah well li just broke that. i know i said i wasnt gonna go down that road again but u girls know how it is sometimes that urge is this there and its to much i knew it was gonna happen i was just putting it off but i didnt put it off nemore i purged and i feel better about it.

i wanna do it again and again which is how i nomrally feel but i dont wanna hit rock bottom with bulimia it was never my go to my anorexia has alwasy been my thing and im not gonna get locked up for purging ima get myself locked up for my starving.

u girls can tell me im stupid u can yell at me all u want but really it wont makea difference i will prob purge again not tonite prob not even tomm but it will happen again it always does.

im just sitting here not able to concentrate. my ribs hurt more then they did yesterday. my throat burns and its on fire like bad. my heart is beating fast. im a lil dizzy but not to bad. eyes are blood shot. popped some blood vessesl thank god its not my hole face this time just around my eyes. knuckles are nice and red again just when they were starting to heal o well nuttin i can do about that. but after i did it the scale went down 2 lbs so yay for that but im sure ive gained after a week of binging im a fat ass.

i guess i should tell u how today went. o it started out with a panic attack so i knew from the beginning the day wasnt gonna b good i didn tknow it was gonna end in me purging i thought the razor would come out first but nope that didnt ocme out yet but it will and very shortly too i need a lil bit more of a release.

but i decided that imnot eating bread nemore im done with bread a) it makes u fat 2) it sucks to purge and c) way to many carbs and shit
so im done with bread completely done i dont wanna c it or taste it for a long long time.

went to the grocery store today in the mist of my panic attack i decided tha ti was gonna get ingredients and make my tomato salsa soup. now granted i dont have money but hey thats what credit cards are for.

i went tot he gym first even though my leg has been majorily killing me but i went neway. did 65 min on elly the cascades hill workout burnt 487 cals :) and the movie of the day was new moon score :)

went tot he store after that now that was torture i swear it was national shopping day and everyone was there which made me freak out even more i cant do crowds but i did have my ipod which kept me relativly calm.
so i got the ingredients i needed for my soup.
also got bananas, strawberries adn 3 mangos for i can make smoothies every morning.
of course since i fucke dup in the monring i decided that since i already messed up i will get a muffin got a banana nut one god it tasted good it really did and i didnt feel bad about it either which is werid idk i feel bad about it now cause it really didnt taste good coming up.
i lingered in the organic glutton free section for awhile trying to deicde on what crackers i wanted it srsly took me forever but i eventually did decide. at one point i just endedup pushing my basket with my foot cause it was heavy no granted it wasnt much in there but hey weakling here it was heavy for me.
i also get a premade salad while im there and today didnt change that its still inmy fridge though for tomm or mayb not tomm mayb saturday instead(once i purge i nomrally dont eat the next day or 2 days but i do have to eat dinner tomm damn date nite ugh)
and sincei keep seeing the damn commerical for those mouse jello things and i like to torture myself i gotn myself some the choc mint ones and yes i tired one yes they are good and yes it kills my stomach.

i spent a good 2 hours making my soup by the time i got it all prepared and chopped and measured and cooked and then cooled and put away it was about 2 hours.
and srsly i can live off of that stuff so now im set for a lil while the soup hurts like hell cause its very acidic but id rather take the pain for that then from dairy

i rly dont know what im ding right now im just sitting here got manvfood on so i guess in watching that mayb i will read or soemtihng idk i cant concentrate at all

so who watched that new show on e last nite "what eats you" i turend it off after 15 min i coudlnt take it nemore it was pissing me off. but if u guys watched it i woudl love ur opinons on it. is it just me that pissed off it just seemed so fact and scripted itj ust didnt seem real. but let meknow what u guys think

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

10/13/10

so i ate even more after i posted my binge 3 more granola bars after iposted ugh i suck i know
i did manage to drink liter and half of water b4 bed but as i was laying there in be di was having a hard time breathing and i thought i was gonna puke and my heart kept skipping beats and shit and it got me really scared so i had some pretzels and a fruit bar i felt better after that
so after my binge yesterday im up a good 4 lbs yup u read that rigth 4 lbs i was 104 lbs this morning that is just gross and unaccetalbe if u ask me ugh how coul di let that happen im so gross and fat and huge now ugh

so inorder to fix that i was gonna liquid fast today with the option of soup if i needed it.yeah it didnt work out to well it started out good i made a dairy free smoothie this morning and then around noon it just all went to hell th eacid in my stomach was getting into my throat it was somuch acid an di have stomach issues so yeah u coudl imagine it wasnt fun and the only way to get it ot settle down is to eat bread i didnt have crackers or rice cakes. i gotta find something else to eat to settle down the acid cause i cant keep eating the amount of bread that i am eating cause its way way way to fucking much ugh wtf me an dmy sotmach body issues stomach heart just everything im so fucked up and i hate it
all u girls that can fast and b fine are so lucky im so enviousof u guys i use to b able to do that but i cant nemore i cant i fucked myself up to much to do that nemore and i hate it u have no idea.

so now i just gotta find soemthiing to deal with my stomach issues and bread just isnt it yeah it helps absorbs the acid but it hurts my stomach i cant eat heavy things nemore either so yeah lose lose situation here. i think ima try rice cakes next time though mayb those will help and they will b better less cals and less carbs hopefully.

idk if i feel asleep on my ipod or what last nite but my ribs on my left side r killing me so bad and then add in the whole body pain cause of the storm that is coming tomm yeah im sore and achey and in a bad mood.

my cousin bought her 3 kids down with her today for we can c them. well really munchin asked to ocme down cause she missed us so much. but i got to play with her (4yrsold) benny(10months) and i gott o c the newest additon nate(2 months).
they are al adorabvle and the loves of my life
i got to hold nate for a while i love justholding babies it makes me want one so bad eventually
me and munchin and benny did go outside for a lil. we played tag now running after a 4 yr old while holding a 10 month old isnt the easiest thiing in the world but we did it we also played on the slide and the beam and just planned played.
eventually i took benny inside and just palyed with munchin we spent at least 15 minutes straight climbing up our club house ladder and the going down the slide and repeat 15 mins straight u have no idea how bad my leg hurt after that.
the kids were here for about hour and 40 minutes and i spent that hole time playing with them idk how many cals i burned but i hope i bunred off at least so of the way to many cals i ate today.

no gym today causei wasnt sure when there were coming over so theonlywork out i got was playing with them i will do crunches later though.

the plan for tomm is to get to the gym b4 the storm starts idc how much pain i am in i am going to do at least an hour on elly.
got my plan for tomm food wise sorta figured out
b-banana pear non dairy smoothie
l-veggies
d-soup

no i will prob have to have nsakc inbetween depending on hoe my stomach is dealing witht he acid and all the shit but ima try and stay away from the bread tomm though i will try some animal crackers or something.

my mom is gonna try and find that lacataid stuff for my milk issues i need to find soemthing to deal with at least one of my issues b4 i go insane

so food wise bad bad day i ate
*banana grape smoothie-95
*6 slices bread/toast peppreidge farm light- 240
*pretzels-100
*soup campbells low sodium chiken noodle-160
*grapes-not sure how many i jsut munched

ima try my hardest not to eat nething else tonite i really am but hopefully if i do fuck up its not as big as yesterday fuck up

i did manage to drink a lil more today
*2 liters water
*hot choc-65
*oraange tea-0
*sodium free chicken broth-0

skinny-el and bellana-im a oth junkie its horrible ive been addcited to the show since the very beginning

ash-wasted is amzing isnt it i read alil bit each day and yes gotta use fuckmore hah love u and yeah i know it could of been alot worse an di know god as soon as i stopped purging b4 myacid refulx got even worse like if i knew that was gonna happen i would of never stopped but i did and now i cant go back to that

bellana(again)- yeah i didnt purge i wouldnt too but i have aproblem witht hat too so i resisited i didnt take laxies cause im taking these cleansing pills but of course then didnt work this morning ugh figures

beleive- i will have to look for those pills thanx

ana-yeah purging is extrmeemly hard on me i throw up blood everytime an di also pop numderous amounts of blood vessles on my face like my face will b one big purple blob its just ugh and my eyes are blood shot for like a day so yeah no more purging for me i didnt get to exercise today but i am going to go tomm

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

fail

so yeah i just fucking binged failure on my part what the fuck i wanna hit rock bottom so hard that it hurts but then i go and fucking binge yeah that makes a fuck load of sense like fuck ugh
i wanna purge so bad u have no idea but like i saidi m sticking to the no puring rule ugh
yeah so after i posted i ate 6 slices of peppredige farm light fiber bread, 1 granola bar, and 2 non dairy 90 cal ice cream bars
followed by a handful of biotin yeah i have a habit of taking to many pills so yeah fuck me
i really hate myself my stomach hurts so bad its so bloated and stuck out and just ew like fuck
so yeah today is the last day i binge im done with binging im done with it alla nd if i binge again please feel the need to fucking yell at me and scream and call me useless cause thats what i am

so tomm banana and liter of water in the morning water thru out the day try and not snack much while im playing witht he kids and then soup for dinner
lots and lots of water tomm fuck me i need this food out curnches time and i got 2 liters of water in front of me that i have to drink b4 bed hopefully i can pee alot of the fat out

10/12/10

thank you ash, mich, ana, acka11, sarah, and skinny_el. u guys really are teh best and i appreciated all the comments. u guys dont have to worry about me though i will b ok. im not gonna take it to teh extreme or nething i know my limits now. im not gonna completely stop eating again, imnot gonna stop drinking again. im not gonna almost die again. ijust need to hit rock bottom and i knwo u guys understand that. but ima b smart about it well as smart as an overexercising anorexic can b. i will tell u one thing i will not go back to mia idc if im force feed again i will not purge i cant go back to that. and ima try my hardest to keep my cutting to a minimum ive been dong really well with that lately so we will try and keep that up.

my head is cloudy today and im tired and my heart was just bugging me a lil but it could b cause i was stupid and barely drank much but ima fix that like i said i gotta keep drinking i forget to drink so i gotta force it down most of the time.

i went to the library today i hate the library i know weird i love to read i love books but i hate the library its just way to quite in there for me idk but i had to go. i really wanted "wasted" and since my friend has my copy i had to borrow the libraries one. i was reading it online but i like to feel the book in my hand i know its werid but i like the way books feel call me crazy its ok.

i went tot he gym today cause it was raining this moring the rain explained y my body was in so much pain last nite. i have alot of old injuries that never healed right so when its gonna rain or snow or b cold or hot or just plain changes seasons i can feel it and last nite i just hurt so bad tot he point were i coudlnt lay still i had to keep moving and finding a werid positon to lay in. the werid postions look uncomfrtable but they help.

my mom told me today that my cousin is gonna bring the kids down tomm yay. i havent seen them since she had her 3rd lil one. and munchin said she missed us so they are all coming down tomm im so excited i cant wait to c them imiss them somuch its crazy.

i did air bike today fora bout hour and half i tired to find the cals burned online the closest think i came up with was stationary bike very light burns 204 cals for the hour and half so ima go with that id rather under estimate cals burned then over estimate them.

so my aunt made us dinner today i hate when other ppl cook me food cause idk the cals of nehting like that. but she made us broccoli, garlic noodles, and chicken in like sauce that im guess was red wine vinager. this is what she made im guessing 200 cals what do u guys think



one tree hill tonite i cant wait i love the new season ijust love that show in general so yay i get to watch oth and then i get to watch season finale on teen mom i love that show maci is my fav she just seems liek the best mom she does everything for her son and takes him everywhere. iknow im mean but it seems like every epi catleynn gets bigger i know throw the daggers but yeah

o and tomm at 10pm on E that food show is on the what eats u or whatever its called but im guessing its aobut disorded eating and stuff idk i dont know much about it but im sure gonna watch it

food log
breakfast
*pear-75

snack
*pretzels-100

lunch
*asparagus-20
*salad-lettuce(20), pickle(0), tomato(15), peppers(20)

snack
*dried papaya-140

dinner
*the pic of what aunt made

drinks
*cup of peppermint tea
*liter of water
*fuze-20

exercise
*hour and half air bike-204 cals burned
*65 min elly lever 5- 478 cals burned

Monday, October 11, 2010

rambling

so major major major freak out today i completely lost it

i cant do this nemore i cant keep trying to get better when i know that the only way i can get better is if i hit rock bottom first cause that is just how i work

is rock bottom gonna suck yes am i gonna get extrememly sick yes am i gonna hurt the love of my life yes is it worth it no but i have to do it an di hope that everyone understands that this spiral downward is what i have to do.

how can i make other ppl happy if im not happy myself i know that i will never b truley happy and iknow that this disease will always always b with me and i know that there is nuttin i can do about it

but i cant keep going the way thatim going i cant keep trying to get better on my own i cant keep eating close to 1500 calories a day just to freak out and then workout alot and only eat 600 calories the enxt day so its all or nuttin so im diving head first into my ed again i have to try and not let it get completely out of contorl again though cause i will not let the boy c me practically on deaths door again so i have to eat something everyday even if its juts a piece of fruit and ihave to keep drinking my water this time as well.


i know im prob confusing u all but i will try to make sense of it all

c i keep jumping back and forth between trying to get better for the boy and then realizing that i really cant do it the jumping back and forth is in fact making me worse.

my body is rebelling against me in so many ways its crazy my acid reflux my stomach issues just everything its like its yelling at me to just let it take over for a lil for i can hit rock bottom and get the help that i need but cant get cause im not sick enough or that i have to many issues yes a hterapist i emailed said i had to many issues but neway


idk i just totaally lost it today i was sitting in my room after my walk and i just snapped i realized that im a fat ass mother fucker who cant keep going the way that i am. i cant make the boy happy ifim not happy myself

all this food that i have been eating the scale being stuck at 100 is just all wrong its killing me

i know that im sick i know that my heart should b the way it is i know that my stomach got fucked up way to quickly that the constant urge to throw up isnt normal but what am i to do about it.


i just mindlessly eat now cause i think thats what normal ppl do but in all reality i have no idea what normal ppl do so im doing what i think they do i think that they much thru out the day that the make this big meals and eat them all but when i do that i get sick like physcally sick

like today after my dinner that i coudlnt even finish cause my heart started beating so fast that i got so hot that i had to take off some layers that i just put on cause i was cold that i had to lay down and not move for 10 minutes inthe fear that i was acutally gonna throw up my tongue felt swollen i kept constantly swolling thats normal at all

so th eplan is to downward spiral an du might all think thatim crazy for palnning that but hey its just something that is happening the time has come ive been fighting the downward spiral for to long now and ijust cant fight it nemore so ima let it go ima downward spiral ima hit rock bottom an dima get the help that i need then ima try like hell to not relapse i cant keep relasping nemore. if i want the wedding and the kids and everything then i gotta try u know eventually my body is going to just give out and its gonna fail me but lets hope that i get the helpi need first b4 that happens.

i wanna spend the rest of my life with the boy i want to live together and get marrie have a kid or 2 i want to grow old with him i dont want to die young i dont want to hurt nemore

but right now i got to hurt an di have to hurt bad

today was just t he last straw and everything.so hello down ward spiral nice to meet u i will b with u for awhile.

at least my freakout didnt involve cutting today ive acutally been doing pretty well with that recently my freak o ut involved spending an hour andhalf trying to find "wasted" online then going tot he library and realizing that its fucking closed for whatever the damn holiday it is today. i own the book its just loaned out to my friend at the moment. after freaking out for that long the lovely J came online and she emailed me her downloaded copy thank god i lov eu so much J ur the best most amzing person ever. so now im reading that and tomm ima go to the library and get the book i like holding a book an dreading from it the internet will do today though

so i guess im done rambling idk idk what i even said or if it makes sense but alli know is im letting it take over and ima hit rock bottom