5/13/11

i was soupset that blogger was down yesterday th eone day i was really freaking out and needed to type everything out it was down buthey it happens sometimes and things need to b updated so i cant fault them for that

im still kinda freaking out and im wondering what other ppl think of me lik ei know how i think of myself not pretty enough not smart enought not perfect enough not skinny enough just not enough of nething

i just wonder what other ppl c what complete stangers think when they c me walking around do they thinkm im too skinny or do theythink like me and c the fat cow that i really am

idk what to think nemore im so confused ijust wanna give up on everything i dont wanna eat nemore i wanna b so skinny so fragile so breakable

i gotta go crunch away the food i ate right now sicne i nearly passed out while i was out running errands

i will post a pic of my outfit either later today or tomm

yes more backgrounds

myhead was going crazy while i was making these and im not happy with them they arent my best work but i figured u guys would want to c neway. the lyrics are by linkin park all taken from the same song

5/11/11

this yoyoing of my weight has just got to sotp already up and down up and down fucking hate the up and down cycle i hate the up part like fuck that ijust want it to go down

i week i will lose 3 lbs next week gain those 3 lbs back week after lose them and the cycle goes on and on
i was 103 last week weighed today 106 fuck me and granted i did have af ew bad days int here but fuck ugh idk y my body likes the 106 number so much itw a fucking bad number ihate it but my body likes that number and it stays there it plateuas there idk if thats my natural weight or what but fuck do i hate it

i start restrciting and it goes really well for a few days and then bam que in the chest pains the racing hert the dizziness the nealry passing out yes iknow my body is beat to hell from years and years of starving it seems like as soon as i go under 105 lbs the chest pains start and they are bad so achey and tight sometimes stabbing i will just stand there and rub my chest and ppl look at me funny im just like what my chest hurts the rubbing doesnt make it feel ne better so idk y i do it idk mayb its just my fucked up head thinking that its working

i really have to get my head back in teh gym ignore all the bad signals and symptoms and jsut fuckign lose the weigth already i havent seen double digits in 2 years
i go back to the docs shorlty in june and i need the scale to say lower then it did lastti me i was there is said 108 with clohtes and shoes on it needs to b lower he needs to knwo mnot ok

my sotmach is still a mess im nasoues a good part of the time i had stabbing pains in it today

while on my break i was flipping thru the womens health that was in the break room and i found this recipe in there i wanna try its 356 cals but i will have to change it cause some things i cant have so it will makeit lower in cals

ok iima go back to my pity party and getlost in my head i need my control back i need to b scared of food again i need to not eat over 500 cals ijust need to do all the crazy stuff i use to do god if ne of u read my blog from the beginning u knowhow bad i use to be i need that back

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starving forperfection -u can save them tahts fine if u want one made let meknow

kitkat-thanx hunny

dilur-u can use it if u want

more computer backgrounds

nowi gotta go do crunches and work off the jelly beans i ate that my mom said i shouldnt b eaten and u shoudl keep my hand out of the bag thanx mom

comment replies

*starving for perfection- i do feel quilty but o well its just the way my brain works my kindeys are ok at the moment ijust get werid shapr pains all over my body they will last a few days then go away nuttin to b worreid about my body is just a mess yes i love donating clothes the words in the background that u like are " when things are bad we take comfort in the thought they could always be worse and when they are we find hope inthe thought that things are so bad they have to get better"

*lil jo-yes i pushed thru the workoutim not a quitter so i had to keep going and i so bought my sis sour patch kids at the movies andi did love it such a good movie

*becasue i love who i can become-yeah life is alwasy buys for me

*alick-k-i dont hate u crazy uve been dealing with ur own life and im so proud of u for sticking to recovery

*liesel-u better go c it and dont listen to all the reviews bashing it is really was a good movie

*bones-yay im glad that i made u wanna c itmore

*sarah-ur welcome hun glad u like them

*dark6_fairy-thanx hun u can use them if u want

computer backgrounds

like i promised here are the backgrounds im posting them here instead of my creative blog cause more ppl follow this one and i figured u guys would want to c them if u guys have ne request let me know

water for elephants

ok so i just got home from seeing the movie and i promised u guys that i would blog about it as soon as i got home

so me and sis went to the 4:05pm showing we wanted to go to a ealier show for it would b cheaper but the early one was closed captions an dyeah we didnt wantt hat so we went tot he later one and i spent $21.50 on 2 tickets and since it was mondy they have $2 candy and it was sour patch kids so i got that for her and i only ate 4 of the yellow ones my head was pounding and i was gettign dizzy so yeah and we were the only ones int he theater it was in theater 9 out of 12 so that means its not gonna b out in my stupid ass town long such a fucked up thing but mayb i can get it on bootleg till its out on dvd the boy knows a guy so hmmm mayb he can get it for me

ok so now on to the movie i absolutly loved it it was great amazing ugh just so so so good and if u havent seen it u have to c it i order u too so ha dani says to go c it so go c it

idk y ppl were bashing it i read a few reviews and they wwere like bashing the acting and i dont agree with them at all on it all the actors did a great job they really got into character adn they palyed them good rob was great in teh movie i think ppl just bash him cause of the twiligh movies(which i think he is great in) but he really did act good in the movie and reese was amzing as well

they def stuck to the book and i was happy about that of course they cut out a few things but hey they alwasy do that and they did change a few things but not alot i so a sthi ton of scenes pulled straight from the book and i love when they do that i love when they keep scenes exactly the same and it comes to life ont he screen i hate ho some books they cahnge things and its just not the same like dear john they totally fucked that up how do u fucking change the ending like really u cant do that

but rest assured guys they didnt change the ending in water for elephants and im happy about that my sis also loved it as well she was like bouncing in her seat on certain parts and im like u have to read the book it goes into more detail

so yes i know i suck at reviews but i really did love the book they did a great job brining it to life from paper to screen im reallly critcal when if comes to books being made into movies casue i feel like they have everything right therein there hand they can reference nething cause they have the book and the author to turn too and when they fuck them up it just doesnt make sense like how can u change things how can u change teh authors vision of it but they didnt do that here

so go out and c it i mean it go c it and let me know what u guys think but i adored it
and i know some ppl wont like it cause everyones taste is different but at least give it a try and read the book too cause the book is one of those where u just cant put down u have to keep reading and reading to find out what happens next to find out the end and the end ties it all together i usually hate enedings of books but i liked this ending

so i made 2 computer backgrounds ima work on more tonite so i will post them later as well