6/9/11

i just need to say that my lil couisn broke my heart today nearly had me in tears see i watch her and her brothers ive been watching them all since they were born shes 4yrs old her brothers are 18 months and 8 months so it was just her for awhile and today she just broke down in tears saying how she got bigger and she cant do the things that she use to do nemore that shes not lil and her brothers are alwasy around it broke me shes sitting there bawlin gher eyes out and it broke me it really did no lil girl should feel like should b crying cause of that so i made it my day to make her happy to spend my hole day with her and to not c her cry like that. i wanted to cry with her she was so upset and so sad and she coudlnt even get her thoguhts out thats how bad she was crying an di never want to c her like that again.

so me and her spent all day upstairs in my room im usually downstaris helping out my mom wit the 2 boys as well but today i had to spend time with her it was dani and munchin day it had to b i cant c her that broken againi just cant. so we made osme bracletes together, drew pictures, she drew on my white board. played barbies, did a puzzle, colored in coloring books, watched phinus and ferb, spongebob, mickeymouse, big time rush and victiouris. we even jumped on my bed yeah i know no jumping on the bed but i need to made her happy we played jump on dani and bite dani and tickle munchin nething to hear that lil girl laugh

im not gonna talk abou tmy eating cause it wasnt great today i snacked to much and shared alot of food with her but i did take 3 diet pills and im bout to do a major room clean cause its gross and my dada put my ac in last nite thank godi can workout in my room now.

still havent heard from the dealership yet bout my car but they will call when its ready

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ivy-yes is wat nice cause me and him have butt heads for year so it was a good visit. dp u still not wear ur braclets? i was only able to go that one day with out them my anxiety has been too bad to do it again.

lou-yeah i hate how things are just so much money nemore its like really america really and thanx hun im ok i hop eur doing well i know ur in a tought spot right now im hear if u wanna talk

scared blogger- ha my blog is just a way to make sense of my life pretty much and i have to take them sereioulsy its my health adn u dont get that back and i knowmine isnt good neway but at least i can help it not get worse planned parenthood is a womens health clinic u get ur yearly guno visits, u can buy borth contorl get condoms pregency test but its lower price like its more afforable and its relaly great for ppl who dont have insurance. ha that post took me awhiel to write b4 i kept taking breaks and i got pills cause i need them they are like a safety net for me yeah i havent been otu with out the bracelets since it was jsut that one day i havent been able to do it sicne

bones- i know it was teh first good one i had it was surprising u know. thanx hunny ur a great person too u konw that right

coffee-yes im glad too

mich-i know i was jsut as surprised as u prob are bout the doc appt it was wow just crazy for once and yay shopping spree at kohls. yeah i dont have an office job yet im just in retail but ur write there is a time and place to show them adn it was liberating that first day it was great but ive been way to anxious to do it again im too scared to take them of fi managed taht one day and it was great but makes me evenmore scared. yes im on day idk purge free lost count but im proud of myself nwo id i could just get off the pills it would b better but that will take time yeah my doc didnt apy attention to the other numbers so o well

emma- yeahi havent been brave enoughi only went out with out them that one day adn that was it i havent been able to do it since i know teh kittnes are cute they are still scared and they wont come to use but we are tyring to make nice witht hem for we can find them a home. i dont do nehting speical to my hair it is acutallyr eally damamged adn it falls out alot but i guess it looks healthy to u guys

kitkat-thanx hun i feel like i make progress bu then take a few steps back so idk

CE- yeahi know the bc is really effective we were just being extra cautios b4 but not nemore my visits when fine he doesnt apy attetnion to the other numbers just the choestrol numbers

desesperee- ha yeah ihad sex ed u crazy girl idk we were just being extra careful i guess and i was always on bc and i know pull out isnt effective and trust me ive had my fair sahre of scares wheni wasnt on the pill even had some on the pill but we are ok does ur supply run out quikcer cause io nly get a years worth since i sue planned parenthood and i dont wanna fuck nething up by u know skipping things but mayb i wll try it like if my period falls on week he has vacation time cause that would just suck i will def look into that water we dont have many healthy food stores heare just big chain grocery stores small town remember but i will look for it

skinnygirl- not to b mean but i know purging is bad fuck ne eating disorder is bad and i now purgign fucks up everything im not stupid ive had eating problems my hole life but take care of urself hun

aly-thanx hun im a headband whore ihave so many of them

6/8/11

ok so i had my doctors appts 2day yes i said appts ihad 2 seperate ones today and surpisingly they went good adn thats saying something sinceme docs never seem to get alone and alwasy argue and butt heads cause i feel like they juts never listen to a word a say it goes in one ear out the other and they dont help me neway just criticize and tell me im doing things wrong when im doing things the way they told me to the last time i was there yeah so i was anxious going in my heart was crazy and i was ready for a fight but u know what it didnt come and i was so happy for that

my first appt was at 9am for my general doctor i butt heads with him the most this check up was to go over the blood work i had down for my cholestrol an di was excpeting him to yell at me telling me i did something wrong again but he came in smiling he said do u want the good news or the bad news first im like surprise me so hes like i will the good news is there is no bad news and im just staring at him with this wtf are u talking about face on then go wait that never happens it turned out my cholestrol went down alot and the one wen t down to much so i have to back off the meds a lil it was shcoked i have the numbers hwere i will type them out he was very happy so now instead of taking my simvastatin everyday i take one pill every other day or if thats to hard to remember i can do 1/2 pill everyday i mon the lowest dosagle 10mg so u guys not have to worry about the fda warning thing he asked about the side effect cause he was scared about those but i didnt get the muslce pain im just constantly nasoues and thats to b expected on them and then he asked how i was doing sicne he know smy stomach is a mess and i said im still having alot of problems with it he cant do neting else for me since the tests and ultrasounds came back clear so he said my best bet would to c a specialist. my uncle is going to help me find a good one hes a paramedic and like the best uncle ever so he said once i find a list of specialist that take my insurance he will help me find the best one and go with me as well yay for that. they didnt weigh me i think they have just given up on that front so whatver. and my blood pressure at that appt was 122/72. i go back in 4 motnhs but hes not gonna b there so i asked teh recepetonist lady if i should find a new one she acutally said that they have some1 who is going to b replacing him and he was a doc at St. Lukes so yeah ims stay there and try him out cuase st lukes is a good palce and if he worked there then he has to b good. o he also listend to my heart and lungs he does that every time i go since im alwasy sick hes use to my racin gheart and jut ignores that now but my heart even though racing is fun no missed beats or nething and my lungs despite having trouble breathing somtimes are clear. so score 1 point to me for that doc visit i was so happy i calle dmy mom after and said he didnt yell at me trust me when i say thats a first so yay that went good

here are the numbers
*total cholestrol- 192- was 258
*triglycerides-105- was 61
*hdl cholestrol-80- was 91
*ldl cholestrol-91- was 155
*glucose-85- was 114

here are the other numbers they are either low or borderline low but my doc doesnt care about those some of them are on the higher side

*BUN-6
*creatinine,serum-1.13
*bun/creatinine ratio-5
*sodium serum-141
*potassium serum-4.1
*chloride serum- 105
*carbpn dixode total-22
*ca;cium serum-9.6
*protein total serum-7.1
*albumin serum-4.4
*globulin total-2.7
*a/gratio-1.6
*bilirubin total-0.4
*alkaline phosphatase s-58
*ast(sgot)-24
*alt(sgpt)-16



ok 2nd appt was at 12:30pm at planned parenthood i use them as my gyno since i never acutally ever have insurancea nd theya re cheaper and i was expecting to be there for awhle sicne i alwasy am but i wasnt for once. i declined the std test cause raelly i dont need it the only persont hat i have slept with in the past 8 years is my boyfriend so no need for that. they did pap adn normal exam my pap was abnomral last year so lets hope its ok this year it was a quick visit the doc was cold and short and like clipped talking like ok there. i wasnted to swtich pills casue my cramps have gotten worse and it got heavier and it doesnt come on that tuesday like nomral it comes newhere from tues to fri and the nurse says that is nomral that if the pill is owrking i should stick to it. the doc asked me about switchiing and im like well the nurse said ti wouldnt b a good idea so she said that if ur getting cramps u should switch so she swtiched me to "modicon" i was on ortho cyclen and she said the modicon is like the one i was on different hormones though. my blood pressure there was 138/88 yeah so it went up mine changes alot i cant help it i really cant they didnt weigh me there either just asked so i sadi 105 im 103.8 naked i weighed dressed today and it said 105 so i went with 105 no lecture from them either on that i swear they have all given up on me. the nurses kept calling me kiddo yes i know ive been going there since i was 18 and its all the same nurses they know me but kiddo really im 25. but neway i tried to use insurance and the nurse said if i do that it would b more expensive the insurance company would charge me $38 a pack whwere pph is only charging me $17 so yeah just wnet with that. i got a eyars worth cause really the less ting si have to do the better i only have to go there once a year now cost me $214 yeah so im officaly broke my card is nearly amxed im stressed but its done withat least

i have heard of modicon has neone or has neone been onit or know some1 who is i would love to here about ti idid some research and its suppose to b diesgined toh elp with heavy periods cramps and pmdd so i hope it works out for me u know

i spent the other parts of my day palying with my lil couisns we had them today and we have them tomm as well i got them each a lil shirt from work the middle one put hes on right away but dman as soon as i walked int he door after my frist appt it was all dani dani dani dani dani like for 5 minutes straight everyone was calling me and i was like going crazy my head coudlnt take it but it calmed doewn and i got to paly with them until my 2nd appt then i came back and played with them after as well they are somthing let me tell u crazy and too smart for their own goods but i love them regardless the 4 yr old painted my nails she did a pretty good job i will leav eit the way she did it til she leaves tomm then redo it. the 8 month old is walking well walking a lil then falling then standng back up adn doing it again is so cute though and we had him laughing up a storm today it was the most precious thing ever adn then teh 18 month olf well he just never sits sill alwasy going and alwasy laughgin love them so much and i have off of work tomm so gonna play with them all day :)

so update on the car they called meyesterday saying it was a cracked head gasket that thye ordered a part and thy found aloaner car for me and i could pick it up at 1 now i had to b at work at 2 adn my car dealership is in nazareth so i was really pushing it i did make it in time barely though but i know if i called and said i was gonna b late they would understand my car is a 2009 ford focus barley 15,000 miles on it they said they should have it by like friday for me my rental is 2011 ford fusion i so fell in love with it its black on black its a lil bigger then my car but fuck moms like r u gonnatrade ur car in now im lik eno i cant afford it but damn i like the car i dont have to pay for the loaner ijust have to make sure the tank is full when i bring it back i better not have to pay for the loaner i bought my car brand new the head gasket should not have broken already

so heres my food long for today
*harvest veggie meldy-180
*chips-150
*carpi sun-60
*2 gerkin pickles-0
*fries-200 ish not sure
*piece of marable italin cake-?

also wnet to kohls today just cause had 30 percent off i swear im done spending money after this mom said shes even buy me some fruit next week tanx for being nice for once but i got a pair of workout shoes, 3 pairs of size 0 shorts, a small top then at work i got an xs dress here are the pics






o and one last thing my mom goes today do the docs ever say enthing cause ur so tiny uve been underweight ur hole lif eim like no ma they dont care they dotn even weigh me nemore

6/6/11

so i have some exciting news and very scary but exicitng and liberating i did it guys i did i went out in a tshirt and none of my bracelets on it was scary at frist but fuck was it great i caught myself tryiing to hid emy scars a few times like using my left hand to pay for things instead of my nomral right hand keeping my right arm pushing into me but evenutally i just gave up i did it i let my scars so to the world wow i never thought i would do that i went to target, shoprite and the car dealership my scars were showing the hole time i went tot he gym too but i alwasy wear a long sleeve shirt at the gym for i sweat more but wow guys i have no idea how good it feels to not hide myself to just let the world know yeah ih ave scars and idc if u c or what u think or if u judge me i did get a werid look from the cashier at target casue at that point i just handing the money with my right hand scars showing to the hole world she looked at me funny but fuck her idc she can look at me funny.

its not like they are fresh cuts nope i havent had a fresh cut in about a month mayb alil longer they are all healed but as u guys know fromt he pics they arent pretty either they stick out so much just from the size and the color

but i dont have to hide msyelf nemore u have no idea how good that feels i will still hide them from the boy i never told him i cut i know he has seen them and im sure he suspects but i havent flat out shown him and i alwasy have my bracelets on and i will tell him evenutally i just dont want to clutter hes head nemore then it already is

im still deciding if i should show them at work i work retail at old navy as most of u know now idk if i should wear my bracelts or not tomm idk what u do help me decide guys would it b unprofessinoal for me to have them showing or no. what do u guys think should i show them or hide them?

i bought new diet pills yesterday here they are




they are new i wanted to get OEP but walmart didnt have them and if i went on amazon i would of spent more moeny on books plus the pills and i just dont have the money for that. it says dont take them if u have anxiety issues o well im taking them neway. i was looking at other ones and the other ones all said dont take if u have stomach porblmes so i stayed way from those i have enough stomach issues already so got those. k directions are take 1 serivng in morniing with water and food and then take a 2nd dosage 6 hours later with snack and water. days 1-3 take 1 pill twice a day days 4-7 take 2 pills twice a day then from then on taek 3 pills twice a day. no since i never teak things constantly its gonna b hard for me cause i dont take pills on the days i work or nething like that so i will just take one pill when i can for now and if im ok i will up it to 2 then.

we also have a kitty family living under our deck its the mom and then her 3 babies they are teh cutest lil things ever i love them we are tyring to find homes for the lil ones we cant just leave themoutside my aunt said she would take one and we are trying to convince our dad to let us taek one in my sis picked out the one she wanted there is a black one, black adn white one, anda tan and white one. my sis wants the black and white one so so so so cute o i have a pic of the family mommy included





so who watched teh mtv movie awards last nite i did of course cause really ive watched them religiously for years adn im hoping RK will finally just kiss already we all know they are together they dont hide it will theyve won best kiss 3 years straight and still no kiss but i most admit rob running into the audience and kissing taylor was fucking hilerious then kristen running away from him and then hes ramblings and him dropping fuck and the sensros missing it pricless ha hes ramblings with presenting reese her award was the best i was in tears and kristen telling natalie the popcorn was hers and omg the trailer for BD part 1 fuck i need to c that movie now the trailer was epic i loved it holy fuck yes im a twilight junkie but ive read the books way b4 the moives were made so i didnt go laong with the crowd i was laready int he crowed when the moives were announced fuck yeah. the rest of the awards were great as well i wa lauhging the hole time it was good yeah iiknow most ppl hate those awards but god i love themi just a junkie for an award shows so o well

so my car is at the dealership yup fuck me not my day the roms were jumping around like fucking happy midget ppl there like all over the place when i am idiling like stlopped at stop sign red light or in traffic adn my bro and dad noticed that there was white exhaust coming out as well so i called them today well iw as gonna call neway about the rpms but then they tol dme about that so neway i called them adn explained and they are like u really shoudlnt b driving it they are concerned aboutt he white smoke so they said to bring up as soon as i could and im like i have to work tomm will it be down they are like prob we dont know we will try to get it done for u tonite but if not it will b tomm like ugh fuck them the boy said if its not done tonite and when i call tomm about it and its still not done to demand a loaner car for free casue fuck i need a car its the only one i had my bro had to follow me up there to bring me back home and ma said they coudln get me to work somewayt omm and then i have my doc appts on wednesday ma said i could use her car but it stales alot and yeah im use to driving cars that do that fuck my old car did it consntaly but i knew how to keep it running idk how to do that nemore ive had my new car for nearly 2 years now so yeah but when i dropped it off the mechanci was right there as well and they guy said that there were gonna look at it right away and he would do my best to have it done for me tonite and i know he meant it so lets hope

my bro took me to shoprite after i had a craving for mashed potoats but we didnt have ne of the flakes and i was out of my vegan brother so i offered to buy him a donut if he took me so while we were there decided to get a few things as well got:
*3 mangos
*6 nectarines
*5 different blends of frozen mixed veggies
*vegan butter
*garlic mashed potoato flakes

i made the mashed pototes there were 80 cals for the flakes 4 servings in one pouch so one pouch of flakes is 30 cals then called for cup of milk i used my almond milk so 35 and then called for 2 tbsp butter i only used one so 70(or is mine 80 we will go with 70) but neway the box had 2 packettes and 1 pakcette made 4 servings so ijust made the packettes so 1 serving is 106.25 fat me ate 2 servings and then had 2 servings of southerwestern corn(180, 90 cals per serving) it sitll tasted good but damn i shouldnt of eaten that i just took one o fmy diet pills and im drinking lax tea o yeah i went to target today got box of lax tea and box of detox tea its suupose to fgive u energy and supress ur appettie

so today i have eaten 3 small nectarines, 2 servings of garlic mashed potatos and servings of southwestern corn. as of right now that is prob all im going to eat might have some more fruit later mayb some cherries or another nectarine we will c

i went to teh gym today i did 65 mins on elly and guess what twilight saga new moon was on so i go tto watch that as well i burnt 468 cals there idk how many cals i burned ding my running around today at least that covers some of the food that i ate today. i need to work out more as well i def need to do some crunches my tummy is huge i need my abs more defined way more defined so yeah def crunches later gotta turn my fan on and do those

its getting hot here again and another heat wave in teh 90's is starting soon and my ac isnt in yet wai ti dont ahve an ac i have to go buy one i think me and dad might go out and get me one today when i say get me oneit means dani buys her own while her dad doesnt help yup my family loves me when we graduate high school we get a laptop for college that what my dad did yeah i had to pay for half of mine causei had a job but my sis and bor didnt have to pay for those he bought theres im like thanx thats really fair

but neway what was i saying idk but yeah guess i should clarify some things im not bulimic yes i purge but im not bulimic i dont consider myself bulimic nor does the medical world sicen i dont mmet the requirements so no im not bulimic idck what ppl think im not bulimic i am an anoreixc no i have never been diangoesd adn rigth nw i know i fall mor einto the EDNOS catergory sincmy weight is up a lil more and no i cant pin point when my ed started i know a good part of u can say this is when it started this is when i started the voices this is when it sucked me in but i cant do that i cant caseu it didnt just start i was alwasy this way alwasy u have no idea how it is to b this way ur hole life to alwasy have food issues but lil girl do u know wont eat certain tihngs cause u just cant i have a really bad texture issue as well i cant eat certain texutres certain colors certain things i have had my voices my hole life i have kep tmyself underwegith my hole life i have hated the way i looked my hole life i have alwasy thought i was fat i am alwasy working out always i am alwasy cutting things out i am such a fuckedup person even as a lil girl i was fucked up so dont judge me ppl and dont tell me it has to start at a certain point it can just b there i beleive i was born this way i was born 3 months ealry weeigh in at 1 lb 13 oz i was in the hospital for 3 months i never gained enough according to the doctors they let me go home neway i was hiooked up to breathing and heart monitors at home as well i forfot to breathe my family as pics of me and u cant even c me all the tubes and wires hide my they still talk about ho wmuch of a miralce i am that i shoudlnt b there and they are right i shoudlnt of srivied that but i did

and now im 25 yes old and everyting is catching up to me i still have troulbe breathing but i dont have asthma my lungs just hurt sometimes my heart races and my chest hearts but according to the doc my heart is healthy my stomach is a mess ic ant eat nething with otu being in pain my bowels are fucking fucked up my bones are weak and a slew of other problems my file at the doctors office is prob so big i was alwasy there as a kid alwasy sick alwsy hurt alwasy breaking something i dont have an immune system

o car update they just called some gasket cracked in my engine and its leaking collent or something which is causing the white exhaust to come out and he said that it is a problem and thats y they wanted to c it rigth away cause i shoudlnt b driving it they needed my permission to contorl to take it apart and look farther into it hes like it should b covere dunder warranty i asked again im like r u sure its going to b covered he said i dont c ne problem of y it shodulnt b the miles on ur car match the oil changes u have gotten u have kept it up to date so i gave him premsiion to work on it cuse realy ima say no and i cant drive it neway id rather have professinal look at it then my dad im like well how long is it going to take thes like idk we have to get into it adn take it aprt get a better look at it i will call u tomm with and update and then i mentioned loaner car im like thats the only car i have hes like rigth now i dont have ne loaner cars availabe they are loanded out or reserved but tomm i will call u with an update and if its going to take longer then tomm we will figure soemthing out about a loaner car

just my luck ugh

outfit/hair/update

heres the outfit that i wore last nite out with the boy. i was feeling really puffy from all th puring i have been doing lately so i tired to dress cute but also hide how fat i am and how fat i am feeling.




we went to tgifridays last nite for dinner and we had a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert and he codultn find an appetizer under $8(yes the coupon stated under $8) so he said i should use it get soem dessert he hasnt been pressuring dessert much lately cause he knows that my stomach just cant handle it nemore he knows how sick it makes me but i got some dessert last nite eating dinner with him was so hard cause all i wanted to do was purge but i dont do that not with him around i dont wanna hurt him nemore then i already am with my anorexia. but instead of getting an appy helikes with cheese and stuff he got one that i like my fav acutally its seseame chicken bites so good its like an asain taste he doesnt like it much but he got it for me. he didnt make me get a big meal either hes like just get ur chciken figners and fries and u can have dessert and thats ok he usually makes me or encourages me to get a good meal when im with him but he didnt this time idk mayb he say in my eyes how freake dout i was and tired he kepts asking if i was ok and everything but yeah o and they have a new dessert ice cream strawberry shortcake so i got that fo rmy free dessert and hes friend was there shared it with me theres no way i coulf of eaten it all idk y restraurnts have their servines so big its like fuck cant they make a singe serving like healthy single serving ugh


k here my hair i finfally got it right it took me idk how long but ha here it is




yay finally go me it looks right the ppl at work said it looked good too the one manager is like if u color ur hair to much doesn tit like fuck u up like get in ur brain or skin or soemthing im like idk but dw im done coloirng it for awhle i just had to get it right

so i worked 8 hours yesterday and 8 hours the day b4 and both days inearly passed out mulitple times each day ughidk what is up with that fuck im eating yeah ive been purging but ive still been eating i hate how fucke dup my body has been altely

but i managed to not purged yesterday i kept allm y food in and thats amiracle all on its own sinc eihavent been able to to that in a few days i didnt like it ididnt like it one bit having the food in me having my stomach gurgle so much cause it didnt want the food in me either it was so loud and then having the acid coming up and teh taste of food and me knwoing that it woudlnt take me long to get it all back up but im determined to get out of this cycle im getting pufffy my throat hurts all the time i keep scratching it with my nails and it keeps bleeding my chest is hurting alot again my knuckles are red and gross and dry u can totally tell the 2 fingers are drier then the rest my face is never clear its breaking otu and blotchy ugh i gotta stop this and im gaining weight i dont like gaining weight i need to lose it all

i go tot he docs on wed 2 different doc appts and i wanted to b way smaller by then adn its sunday already and i ate to much this monring an di didnt pruge it i know im going for day 2 purge free i did take diuretics though adn the acid is coming up i taste the food my stomach hurts so bad but i need out of this cycle and i need out of it now its messing up everything

but neway wed is my doc appts at 9am i go to my nomral doc to get the results for my blood work ti was just cholestrol but can they tell that ive been purging and taking diurettics from that cause i was doing that for days leading up to the blood work and event he day of the blood work well after th ey took my blood but still can they tell? does neone know?

and thena t 1230 i go to planned parenthood for yearly check up im usually there for while they like to run behind so it looks like no lunch of brekafast for me that day buti m thinking about switiching my birth control ive been ont eh pill orhto cyclen sincei was 18 im 25 now an di think ive become immune to it my period use to come same time every month tuesday nite no fail yeah nope not nemore not for the past couple months it comes newhere form tuesday nite to friday nite its still gone by monday nomatter what day it comes but most months its so painful that i just wanna curl up in a ball and die soemtimes i even pass out fromt he pain so i was thinking of switching to seasonique its the one were u only get 4 periods a year one every 3 motnhs and sincim alwasy on the go constanly moivng and doing something i think that one will b the best for me hopefully they agree

so today is day 2 pruge free well monring of day 2 i work 1-6 today yeah my scheudled is all fucke dup today and then ima come home and workout while watching mtv movie awards have to watch those of course i wastch them every year no fail and trailer for breaking dawn 1 is being premiered there have to c that and c what k stew is wearing i love her style shes jsut so down to earth shes not a stuck up star she does what she wants says what she wants adn wears what she wants she stays true to her self

i know this may be to muchin fomration for u guys but i share everything on her so o well if u dotn like it fuck u then idc im in a rare mood can u tell but neway
me and the boy had sex last nite yes we have sex yes we've been together for 8 years yes we have been ahving sx the hole time fuck i fucke dhim b4 we were even together sorry tmi there i was fucked up even worse when i was a teenager but neway last nite was teh first time we deicded that he wasnt going to pull out nemore we were just gonna relay on my birth control and i was alil scared cause ive never done that b4 he alwasy pulled out and the guy i was wiht b4 did the same so it was all new to me and him as far as i know but wow i shoudlnt of been scared it was so wroth it my heart is still all funny from it it was beating so fast last nite i got it calmed down enough tosleep but i woke up and it was still a lil funny but damn guys so worth it i love him som uch adn im glad that we are closer and taking that risk together and i do feel closer to him

ok my stmoach hurts and teh food in thretening to come up so ima go lay down for a lil b4 i have to get up and get a shower b4 work love u all hope u all have a great day

thankyous/commentreplies/miniupdate

first off thank u all for ur replies on my scar/selfharm/hide urself post it really did mean alot and to hear all ur stories really did help alot made me realize that i just have to fuck everyone else and do what i want that i shouldnt listen to what other ppl say that i shouldnt care what theythink and i shouldj ust ignore their stares and judging glances

so today i went to work for the first time with out my bracelets on yes i still had a long sleeve shirt on but i didnt put my braceles on under like i alwasy do adn my sleeves kept riding up and my scars kept shwoing yeah i kept pulling my sleeves back down but its a step in the right direction mayb some day i will b able to not wear long sleeve shirts or my bracelets and jsut let my scars show and say fuck everyone

*unbeautiful-well we are both crazy then ha thanx for ur psot hun and i know alot ppl do what we do its just still hard to cope though

*scared blogger-im not leaving you or going newhere hun so dont worry

*gianni-trust me they didnt taste good at all coming up im glad that u are cut free now hun wow 5 years that is just amaazing an dim so proud of u hun that is just amazing c i cut to feel numb to make my head stop yelling at me id rathr not c blood itmakes me nasouess. the pics dnt really make me feel better but i think that they just show a side of an ed that not many ppl see or know u know what imean

*lissa- i think ppl will judge u no matter waht cause its just how ppl are they judge u to make them feel better about themselves. its not the first time ive purged spicy food u think i would leanr my lesson yeah nope

*coffeexandxcigarettes-wow thats great that ppl dont bring it up see i feel that the ppl im around are nosey fuck they dont go a day with out commenting on how skinny i am so how am i suppose to let my scars show and have thema sk questiosn about them. glad that u agree about the pics

*adrianne-def let u know how the books are i got piles and piles of them in my room and piles of them that i havent read yet im an addcit i cant help it and yeah i stop from time to time too for a few months and then things just get to crazy and im back to it again it never ends

*lyz-yeahi hate that i cut i wish inever started but i cant regret that cause i dont regret things cuase whats the point of regrets when u cant go back and change them nemway u know

*bones-yeah i have a pile of bracelets tah i wear on my right arm to hid emy scars i just find it funny im a righty but i dont use my right hand to cut i could never hold it right i alwasy used my left god im fucked up.m glad that u dont find the pics offensive

*danielle-thanx hun i will def have to check that out sometimes

*desesperee-idk if i want to fade themc asue they are a part of who i am a part of the struggle that ive been thru and when i looked at them i reemmber allt he pain i went thru and how the cutting made me feel yeah i hate sseeing the scars but they are a reminder of what ive been thru and what i survived

*always striving-wow hun thanx for that comment i iwsh that i was that strong to acutally go thru with what u said and to ignore what otherp pl say and think bu tim not im a coward and it just scars me to bare my soul that much to let them show to let ppl know that i struggle with so many things and that i cant cope with things and that that is how i deal with things that i dont deal with things the way society would wnat me too but good for u for not caring and letting ur scars show

*mich-yeahi just feellike ppl judge wrist scars more then the judge other scars cause when they c scars on ur wrists they automatically assume that u have tried to kill urself that ur suicidal that u dont wanan live and my scars arent that they are a way to know that im still alive that i can still feel

*skinny girl- i am follwoing u now hun

*miss obession- im sorry if they made u feel bad or offened wasnt my intention ijust wanted to show the real side of an ed well one of the real sides and i thought those pics did that

*ally-glad that u liked it hun

*brittany- taht was th epoint to make ppl open their eyes to c that ed's are perfect or fun they are messy and fucked up

*emma- i dotn mean to b rude or nething but there is no fucking way in hell that i am going to give out tips or tricks or make u sicker or nething like that im fuckedup this blog is suppose to show the struggles tha ti have with my ed how fucked up i am how its ruining my life so sorry nope i cant help u i will never help ne1 get as sick as i am

*shrinking violet-im glad that u like the blog it helps me stay sane helps me make snese ofmyhead adn the thoguhts even if most of my posts dont make ne sense at least i got the noise out of my head and ontot he screen yes no more purging for u i dont want nething to happen to u


mini update

so i should just b locked away ina padded room and never let out i purged again today again that makes 2 times yesterday and one time today im fat gross huge elephant i dont deserve nething nemore i need to b watched i cant b left alone cause when im alone i purge fuck i purge when im not alone too casue no1 seems to care so fucking hell i need to get out of this purging cycle i hate it i hate it so much

6/2/11

i know some ppl might find these pictures offensive or that im glamourizing them trust me im not ive spend more time with my head in the toilet then most ppl i have bulimic tendencies i purged today but i find these picures artistic and it shows the truth about eating disorders as well in their own artistic way. i like to find beauty in my fuck ups and if u dont agree thats fine u dont have too but i wanted to share these neway







and i just wanted to thank uguys for ur comments and stories on my post yesterday i will t hank u all indivually prob tomm my head is just a mess today and its hard to even think straight but i just wanted to say that ur words really meant alot to me

6/1/11

y do i have to hide who i am what i struggle with just cause ppl dont understand or would freak out and automatically jump to conclusions y doi have to wear bracelets over these....(yes its my arm yes those are my scars they go all the way up to my elbow u just cant c all of them since they are white but my arm lookslike a checkered board)




i struggle with self harm bad i have depressiona nd anxiety no imnot trying to kill myself yes i have thought about it but no the cutting is not to kill myself it is to make me feel alive its too calm my head its to make the voices stop for alil bit its to make my breatihng slow the pain make me feel alive pain brings numb numb means that i dont have to feel for one fucking minute of my life i feel everything im a total nut case i know ppl think im crazy sure i am a lil crazy but y do ppl judge y do i have to hide who i am my self harming depressed snaxiety ridden anorexic pill popping purging self. its me all that is is me it makes me who i am but if i let that all out if ididnt wear my bracalets for one day how would ppl react? if u saw that on soem1 some1s arm all cut up what would uthink would u automatically think that they are crazy that they need to b locked up or would u understand them relate to their pain cause really its just a way to deal with stuff everyone deals with everything different thats how i deal i deal in a self destructive way do i hatemyself yes every day every fucking day but can i stop it no can i change who i am no will i keep going down the same path im going yes will it evneutally prob more the likely kill me yes theres a chance for that.

i freaked out yesterday i was looking at my arm thinkng y should i have to hide myself just cause society doesnt agree with what im doing i cant change me so y cant society just accept it just realize that its more common then they know but u know what they prob wont ever accept it and i will b shunned and pushed away cause of who i am cause of how i was born cause i am me fucked up and all

weight as of today- 103.4 lbs
food log for today
*mango
*1 packette lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*1 packette lipton cup of soup spring veggies
*22 cherries
*few to many handful chips
*2 servings of unsalted energizer nut mix
*1 banana

no i start my 12 hour will prob b more closer to 15 hour fast no more food or tea(after i finish this cup) just water til sometime tomm
blood work tomm and they better do it this time
also stopping at targer after the new produce section of it opened today and tomm ima go check that out if i can get by fruit there and avoid the crazy grocery store then i am all for it

last random though my books came today yup i ordered more




o and fyi purging jalapeno poppers = bad bad idea they burn like fuck someting back up o and 6 diuretics on top of that also equals a very shaky weak and barely can stand dani yeah work wasnt very fun today cause of that but hey i made it thru it

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gianni- yeah i ate to amny of those and purged them bad bad bad idea they burn like fuck coming back up fukcers ugh no more buying those

adrianne- thanx hun yeah im not going to the gym tomm give it a breakima clean my car instead yes i have a bad leg i had knee surgry few years back and it never healed right and everyfew months it starts giving out again and hurting and frinding and it feels like its just gonna tear but ti never does

abbey roads-i dont mind hun and yes im 25 i met my current boy when i was 17