i struggle with self harm bad i have depressiona nd anxiety no imnot trying to kill myself yes i have thought about it but no the cutting is not to kill myself it is to make me feel alive its too calm my head its to make the voices stop for alil bit its to make my breatihng slow the pain make me feel alive pain brings numb numb means that i dont have to feel for one fucking minute of my life i feel everything im a total nut case i know ppl think im crazy sure i am a lil crazy but y do ppl judge y do i have to hide who i am my self harming depressed snaxiety ridden anorexic pill popping purging self. its me all that is is me it makes me who i am but if i let that all out if ididnt wear my bracalets for one day how would ppl react? if u saw that on soem1 some1s arm all cut up what would uthink would u automatically think that they are crazy that they need to b locked up or would u understand them relate to their pain cause really its just a way to deal with stuff everyone deals with everything different thats how i deal i deal in a self destructive way do i hatemyself yes every day every fucking day but can i stop it no can i change who i am no will i keep going down the same path im going yes will it evneutally prob more the likely kill me yes theres a chance for that.
i freaked out yesterday i was looking at my arm thinkng y should i have to hide myself just cause society doesnt agree with what im doing i cant change me so y cant society just accept it just realize that its more common then they know but u know what they prob wont ever accept it and i will b shunned and pushed away cause of who i am cause of how i was born cause i am me fucked up and all
weight as of today- 103.4 lbs
food log for today
*mango
*1 packette lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*1 packette lipton cup of soup spring veggies
*22 cherries
*few to many handful chips
*2 servings of unsalted energizer nut mix
*1 banana
no i start my 12 hour will prob b more closer to 15 hour fast no more food or tea(after i finish this cup) just water til sometime tomm
blood work tomm and they better do it this time
also stopping at targer after the new produce section of it opened today and tomm ima go check that out if i can get by fruit there and avoid the crazy grocery store then i am all for it
last random though my books came today yup i ordered more
o and fyi purging jalapeno poppers = bad bad idea they burn like fuck someting back up o and 6 diuretics on top of that also equals a very shaky weak and barely can stand dani yeah work wasnt very fun today cause of that but hey i made it thru it
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gianni- yeah i ate to amny of those and purged them bad bad bad idea they burn like fuck coming back up fukcers ugh no more buying those
adrianne- thanx hun yeah im not going to the gym tomm give it a breakima clean my car instead yes i have a bad leg i had knee surgry few years back and it never healed right and everyfew months it starts giving out again and hurting and frinding and it feels like its just gonna tear but ti never does
abbey roads-i dont mind hun and yes im 25 i met my current boy when i was 17
My arms are scarred up too. Makes me sad when I see other people's scars because I know the pain that goes on behind them. I don't think you are crazy. If you are, then I am because I do the same things. Feel better Dani.
ReplyDeleteLove you, Hope you are ok,
ReplyDeletePlease take care, I dont know what I'd do without you,
xx
lol, I bet the poppers burned coming back up. I would never purge spicy food. Sorry you had to go through that.
ReplyDeleteAs for your cutting... I've been there. I cut all the way through high school. Been to the ER because of it... took too many pills and almost died (another ER visit and stomach pump later...). Just remember that this too will pass. It's not easy, but I remember I didn't cut for the pain or to feel alive. I cut to see the blood. It calmed me... soothed me. But I haven't cut in almost five years now. You can barely see my scars, but it doesn't mean I don't regret doing it.
Good luck. If you ever need someone to talk to please email me. The link is under one of my tabs on my blog. :) Stay strong.
I'm the same way with cutting, my arm looks like that too. It drives me crazy how when people see scars, they automatically judge you /:
ReplyDeleteI hate spicy food, I haven't eaten in god knows how long for the reason that it's such a nightmare to purge...
Hope you feel better soon doll, I love your blog
xx
my arms are scarred and my legs are horrible. I used to hide them, and dread having anyone see them, and slowly I've allowed myself to stop hiding. I'll occasionally wear skirts, and I don't hide my arms. I was shocked by how few people actually ask questions. I'm not sure if it's because I'm older, but people just don't feel a need to bring it up if they notice, which makes me feel a lot less shame about my past
ReplyDeleteYou basically just desribed how I feel (in a much better way than I can!) I struggle with cutting too, I don't hide my scars anymore, they are part of who I am. but I also haven't cut in a couple months. if (and when...it's kind of inevitable) I do start again I know I'll start covering them up again, because yes people think we're crazy...Let us know how the books are! I am a crazy reader and love trying new books!
ReplyDeleteSo sad you once found your way to cutting. Unfortunately me too, I found that way, I currently am tryping to fina a better way to express muyself instead of cutting. It's hard, believe me, but it's possible... So one day, if you're thinking about stopping, know it's possible! As for the shockelement to other people, I have scars and I do tend to hide them, just because other ppl make me feel uncomfortable when they look at them...
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, do tell about the books in the future! I'm curious!!
I've got the scars as well... and ten bracelets on my left arm to cover them. I've toyed with the idea of taking them off, but in the end I'm always too afraid.
ReplyDeleteSpicy food is the worst! It burns usssssss (LOTR reference)!
http://siajanewords.blogspot.com/2011/06/thursday-020611-thankful-thursdays.html
ReplyDeletecheck out this blog. Rachel shares her story of finally going out without covering her arms. It is an inspiring story . Also ironic that you both posted about this topic on the same day.
I wish you didn't have scars dear, you're a beautiful girl. I know you don't hurt yourself to have scars but it's just really sad. I've never been a cutter so I have a hard time relating, but do you want to try and make them fade? Cocoa butter is really great for scars and makes you smell lovely and your skin super soft. You shouldn't have to be ashamed. Hopefully a day of green tea will give you enough energy to get around and then a workout will clear your head a bit.
ReplyDeleteI have scars too and I no longer try to hide them. Fuck what people think, who are they to judge? We have a right to be free and comfortable in our own skin...whether we have scars or not...and those that would dare judge you for your own body, your own private struggles, are not worth the care, time, or effort you would put into hiding them. Your scars show that you have endured pain and struggles and you have survived. Hold your head high and walk with pride and confidence and let the reactions of the ignorant and judgmental breeze right off of your shoulders if you can. I hope you feel better soon and good luck on your fast <3
ReplyDeleteMy scars are really bad on my legs. I can cover a lot of them up with that spray on stocking stuff, but there's still loads that are visible because they're so big. I just stopped caring, though. :/ People never comment, although I catch stares sometimes. But I figure screw them if they want to stare and judge us! I think of them as battle scars, because we've gone through serious internal battles to get them. Makes us stronger in the end. <3
ReplyDeleteI have looked and read a lot in your blog. Do you have the mind to be a penpal? I mean oldschool penpal.
ReplyDeleteIf you could be interested, you can mail me here: essentricmindscape@gmail.com
Im female. 27 years old. And we do have some things in common.
I hope you are openminded....