6/6/11

so i have some exciting news and very scary but exicitng and liberating i did it guys i did i went out in a tshirt and none of my bracelets on it was scary at frist but fuck was it great i caught myself tryiing to hid emy scars a few times like using my left hand to pay for things instead of my nomral right hand keeping my right arm pushing into me but evenutally i just gave up i did it i let my scars so to the world wow i never thought i would do that i went to target, shoprite and the car dealership my scars were showing the hole time i went tot he gym too but i alwasy wear a long sleeve shirt at the gym for i sweat more but wow guys i have no idea how good it feels to not hide myself to just let the world know yeah ih ave scars and idc if u c or what u think or if u judge me i did get a werid look from the cashier at target casue at that point i just handing the money with my right hand scars showing to the hole world she looked at me funny but fuck her idc she can look at me funny.

its not like they are fresh cuts nope i havent had a fresh cut in about a month mayb alil longer they are all healed but as u guys know fromt he pics they arent pretty either they stick out so much just from the size and the color

but i dont have to hide msyelf nemore u have no idea how good that feels i will still hide them from the boy i never told him i cut i know he has seen them and im sure he suspects but i havent flat out shown him and i alwasy have my bracelets on and i will tell him evenutally i just dont want to clutter hes head nemore then it already is

im still deciding if i should show them at work i work retail at old navy as most of u know now idk if i should wear my bracelts or not tomm idk what u do help me decide guys would it b unprofessinoal for me to have them showing or no. what do u guys think should i show them or hide them?

i bought new diet pills yesterday here they are




they are new i wanted to get OEP but walmart didnt have them and if i went on amazon i would of spent more moeny on books plus the pills and i just dont have the money for that. it says dont take them if u have anxiety issues o well im taking them neway. i was looking at other ones and the other ones all said dont take if u have stomach porblmes so i stayed way from those i have enough stomach issues already so got those. k directions are take 1 serivng in morniing with water and food and then take a 2nd dosage 6 hours later with snack and water. days 1-3 take 1 pill twice a day days 4-7 take 2 pills twice a day then from then on taek 3 pills twice a day. no since i never teak things constantly its gonna b hard for me cause i dont take pills on the days i work or nething like that so i will just take one pill when i can for now and if im ok i will up it to 2 then.

we also have a kitty family living under our deck its the mom and then her 3 babies they are teh cutest lil things ever i love them we are tyring to find homes for the lil ones we cant just leave themoutside my aunt said she would take one and we are trying to convince our dad to let us taek one in my sis picked out the one she wanted there is a black one, black adn white one, anda tan and white one. my sis wants the black and white one so so so so cute o i have a pic of the family mommy included





so who watched teh mtv movie awards last nite i did of course cause really ive watched them religiously for years adn im hoping RK will finally just kiss already we all know they are together they dont hide it will theyve won best kiss 3 years straight and still no kiss but i most admit rob running into the audience and kissing taylor was fucking hilerious then kristen running away from him and then hes ramblings and him dropping fuck and the sensros missing it pricless ha hes ramblings with presenting reese her award was the best i was in tears and kristen telling natalie the popcorn was hers and omg the trailer for BD part 1 fuck i need to c that movie now the trailer was epic i loved it holy fuck yes im a twilight junkie but ive read the books way b4 the moives were made so i didnt go laong with the crowd i was laready int he crowed when the moives were announced fuck yeah. the rest of the awards were great as well i wa lauhging the hole time it was good yeah iiknow most ppl hate those awards but god i love themi just a junkie for an award shows so o well

so my car is at the dealership yup fuck me not my day the roms were jumping around like fucking happy midget ppl there like all over the place when i am idiling like stlopped at stop sign red light or in traffic adn my bro and dad noticed that there was white exhaust coming out as well so i called them today well iw as gonna call neway about the rpms but then they tol dme about that so neway i called them adn explained and they are like u really shoudlnt b driving it they are concerned aboutt he white smoke so they said to bring up as soon as i could and im like i have to work tomm will it be down they are like prob we dont know we will try to get it done for u tonite but if not it will b tomm like ugh fuck them the boy said if its not done tonite and when i call tomm about it and its still not done to demand a loaner car for free casue fuck i need a car its the only one i had my bro had to follow me up there to bring me back home and ma said they coudln get me to work somewayt omm and then i have my doc appts on wednesday ma said i could use her car but it stales alot and yeah im use to driving cars that do that fuck my old car did it consntaly but i knew how to keep it running idk how to do that nemore ive had my new car for nearly 2 years now so yeah but when i dropped it off the mechanci was right there as well and they guy said that there were gonna look at it right away and he would do my best to have it done for me tonite and i know he meant it so lets hope

my bro took me to shoprite after i had a craving for mashed potoats but we didnt have ne of the flakes and i was out of my vegan brother so i offered to buy him a donut if he took me so while we were there decided to get a few things as well got:
*3 mangos
*6 nectarines
*5 different blends of frozen mixed veggies
*vegan butter
*garlic mashed potoato flakes

i made the mashed pototes there were 80 cals for the flakes 4 servings in one pouch so one pouch of flakes is 30 cals then called for cup of milk i used my almond milk so 35 and then called for 2 tbsp butter i only used one so 70(or is mine 80 we will go with 70) but neway the box had 2 packettes and 1 pakcette made 4 servings so ijust made the packettes so 1 serving is 106.25 fat me ate 2 servings and then had 2 servings of southerwestern corn(180, 90 cals per serving) it sitll tasted good but damn i shouldnt of eaten that i just took one o fmy diet pills and im drinking lax tea o yeah i went to target today got box of lax tea and box of detox tea its suupose to fgive u energy and supress ur appettie

so today i have eaten 3 small nectarines, 2 servings of garlic mashed potatos and servings of southwestern corn. as of right now that is prob all im going to eat might have some more fruit later mayb some cherries or another nectarine we will c

i went to teh gym today i did 65 mins on elly and guess what twilight saga new moon was on so i go tto watch that as well i burnt 468 cals there idk how many cals i burned ding my running around today at least that covers some of the food that i ate today. i need to work out more as well i def need to do some crunches my tummy is huge i need my abs more defined way more defined so yeah def crunches later gotta turn my fan on and do those

its getting hot here again and another heat wave in teh 90's is starting soon and my ac isnt in yet wai ti dont ahve an ac i have to go buy one i think me and dad might go out and get me one today when i say get me oneit means dani buys her own while her dad doesnt help yup my family loves me when we graduate high school we get a laptop for college that what my dad did yeah i had to pay for half of mine causei had a job but my sis and bor didnt have to pay for those he bought theres im like thanx thats really fair

but neway what was i saying idk but yeah guess i should clarify some things im not bulimic yes i purge but im not bulimic i dont consider myself bulimic nor does the medical world sicen i dont mmet the requirements so no im not bulimic idck what ppl think im not bulimic i am an anoreixc no i have never been diangoesd adn rigth nw i know i fall mor einto the EDNOS catergory sincmy weight is up a lil more and no i cant pin point when my ed started i know a good part of u can say this is when it started this is when i started the voices this is when it sucked me in but i cant do that i cant caseu it didnt just start i was alwasy this way alwasy u have no idea how it is to b this way ur hole life to alwasy have food issues but lil girl do u know wont eat certain tihngs cause u just cant i have a really bad texture issue as well i cant eat certain texutres certain colors certain things i have had my voices my hole life i have kep tmyself underwegith my hole life i have hated the way i looked my hole life i have alwasy thought i was fat i am alwasy working out always i am alwasy cutting things out i am such a fuckedup person even as a lil girl i was fucked up so dont judge me ppl and dont tell me it has to start at a certain point it can just b there i beleive i was born this way i was born 3 months ealry weeigh in at 1 lb 13 oz i was in the hospital for 3 months i never gained enough according to the doctors they let me go home neway i was hiooked up to breathing and heart monitors at home as well i forfot to breathe my family as pics of me and u cant even c me all the tubes and wires hide my they still talk about ho wmuch of a miralce i am that i shoudlnt b there and they are right i shoudlnt of srivied that but i did

and now im 25 yes old and everyting is catching up to me i still have troulbe breathing but i dont have asthma my lungs just hurt sometimes my heart races and my chest hearts but according to the doc my heart is healthy my stomach is a mess ic ant eat nething with otu being in pain my bowels are fucking fucked up my bones are weak and a slew of other problems my file at the doctors office is prob so big i was alwasy there as a kid alwasy sick alwsy hurt alwasy breaking something i dont have an immune system

o car update they just called some gasket cracked in my engine and its leaking collent or something which is causing the white exhaust to come out and he said that it is a problem and thats y they wanted to c it rigth away cause i shoudlnt b driving it they needed my permission to contorl to take it apart and look farther into it hes like it should b covere dunder warranty i asked again im like r u sure its going to b covered he said i dont c ne problem of y it shodulnt b the miles on ur car match the oil changes u have gotten u have kept it up to date so i gave him premsiion to work on it cuse realy ima say no and i cant drive it neway id rather have professinal look at it then my dad im like well how long is it going to take thes like idk we have to get into it adn take it aprt get a better look at it i will call u tomm with and update and then i mentioned loaner car im like thats the only car i have hes like rigth now i dont have ne loaner cars availabe they are loanded out or reserved but tomm i will call u with an update and if its going to take longer then tomm we will figure soemthing out about a loaner car

just my luck ugh