Sunday, June 5, 2011


heres the outfit that i wore last nite out with the boy. i was feeling really puffy from all th puring i have been doing lately so i tired to dress cute but also hide how fat i am and how fat i am feeling.

we went to tgifridays last nite for dinner and we had a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert and he codultn find an appetizer under $8(yes the coupon stated under $8) so he said i should use it get soem dessert he hasnt been pressuring dessert much lately cause he knows that my stomach just cant handle it nemore he knows how sick it makes me but i got some dessert last nite eating dinner with him was so hard cause all i wanted to do was purge but i dont do that not with him around i dont wanna hurt him nemore then i already am with my anorexia. but instead of getting an appy helikes with cheese and stuff he got one that i like my fav acutally its seseame chicken bites so good its like an asain taste he doesnt like it much but he got it for me. he didnt make me get a big meal either hes like just get ur chciken figners and fries and u can have dessert and thats ok he usually makes me or encourages me to get a good meal when im with him but he didnt this time idk mayb he say in my eyes how freake dout i was and tired he kepts asking if i was ok and everything but yeah o and they have a new dessert ice cream strawberry shortcake so i got that fo rmy free dessert and hes friend was there shared it with me theres no way i coulf of eaten it all idk y restraurnts have their servines so big its like fuck cant they make a singe serving like healthy single serving ugh

k here my hair i finfally got it right it took me idk how long but ha here it is

yay finally go me it looks right the ppl at work said it looked good too the one manager is like if u color ur hair to much doesn tit like fuck u up like get in ur brain or skin or soemthing im like idk but dw im done coloirng it for awhle i just had to get it right

so i worked 8 hours yesterday and 8 hours the day b4 and both days inearly passed out mulitple times each day ughidk what is up with that fuck im eating yeah ive been purging but ive still been eating i hate how fucke dup my body has been altely

but i managed to not purged yesterday i kept allm y food in and thats amiracle all on its own sinc eihavent been able to to that in a few days i didnt like it ididnt like it one bit having the food in me having my stomach gurgle so much cause it didnt want the food in me either it was so loud and then having the acid coming up and teh taste of food and me knwoing that it woudlnt take me long to get it all back up but im determined to get out of this cycle im getting pufffy my throat hurts all the time i keep scratching it with my nails and it keeps bleeding my chest is hurting alot again my knuckles are red and gross and dry u can totally tell the 2 fingers are drier then the rest my face is never clear its breaking otu and blotchy ugh i gotta stop this and im gaining weight i dont like gaining weight i need to lose it all

i go tot he docs on wed 2 different doc appts and i wanted to b way smaller by then adn its sunday already and i ate to much this monring an di didnt pruge it i know im going for day 2 purge free i did take diuretics though adn the acid is coming up i taste the food my stomach hurts so bad but i need out of this cycle and i need out of it now its messing up everything

but neway wed is my doc appts at 9am i go to my nomral doc to get the results for my blood work ti was just cholestrol but can they tell that ive been purging and taking diurettics from that cause i was doing that for days leading up to the blood work and event he day of the blood work well after th ey took my blood but still can they tell? does neone know?

and thena t 1230 i go to planned parenthood for yearly check up im usually there for while they like to run behind so it looks like no lunch of brekafast for me that day buti m thinking about switiching my birth control ive been ont eh pill orhto cyclen sincei was 18 im 25 now an di think ive become immune to it my period use to come same time every month tuesday nite no fail yeah nope not nemore not for the past couple months it comes newhere form tuesday nite to friday nite its still gone by monday nomatter what day it comes but most months its so painful that i just wanna curl up in a ball and die soemtimes i even pass out fromt he pain so i was thinking of switching to seasonique its the one were u only get 4 periods a year one every 3 motnhs and sincim alwasy on the go constanly moivng and doing something i think that one will b the best for me hopefully they agree

so today is day 2 pruge free well monring of day 2 i work 1-6 today yeah my scheudled is all fucke dup today and then ima come home and workout while watching mtv movie awards have to watch those of course i wastch them every year no fail and trailer for breaking dawn 1 is being premiered there have to c that and c what k stew is wearing i love her style shes jsut so down to earth shes not a stuck up star she does what she wants says what she wants adn wears what she wants she stays true to her self

i know this may be to muchin fomration for u guys but i share everything on her so o well if u dotn like it fuck u then idc im in a rare mood can u tell but neway
me and the boy had sex last nite yes we have sex yes we've been together for 8 years yes we have been ahving sx the hole time fuck i fucke dhim b4 we were even together sorry tmi there i was fucked up even worse when i was a teenager but neway last nite was teh first time we deicded that he wasnt going to pull out nemore we were just gonna relay on my birth control and i was alil scared cause ive never done that b4 he alwasy pulled out and the guy i was wiht b4 did the same so it was all new to me and him as far as i know but wow i shoudlnt of been scared it was so wroth it my heart is still all funny from it it was beating so fast last nite i got it calmed down enough tosleep but i woke up and it was still a lil funny but damn guys so worth it i love him som uch adn im glad that we are closer and taking that risk together and i do feel closer to him

ok my stmoach hurts and teh food in thretening to come up so ima go lay down for a lil b4 i have to get up and get a shower b4 work love u all hope u all have a great day


  1. The bc shoulsUfficient enough to protect againat pregnancy. As long as you take it correctly, its extremely effective. Hope ur doing good! Usually w bloodwork, the check what they r looking for. If they check ur electrolyte balance, they could see a deficiency. My dr checks mine.

  2. Hey I'm glad you had a good time on your night out :D your outfit is really pretty and your hair looks gorgeous! It's so thick! How do you get it like that?! :D
    Stay strong, stay skinny, stay beautiful <3 xx

  3. You look very cute and no where close to fat in that outfit dear! I'm glad you had a good time out with your boyfriend. I actually find it strange that you haven't trusted the pill, considering you've been on it/sexually active for so long/pulling out is not effective (didn't you take sex ed in high school haha??) Anyway, I was on Seasonique and now I'm on Junel, which is a normal pill, but I take it just like Seasonique - I just skip the placebo weeks and give myself 3-4 periods a year. I LOVE IT.

    You know, I was also thinking, you should look into drinking coconut water - it's sort of like nature's Gatorade. It's a little pricey, but the next time you're in a health food store, you should look for it. It is great for when you're exercising/feeling faint/throwing up because it helps replenish the vitamins and minerals you're losing. Just a thought :)

  4. he dear okay so I wanted to tell you to stop purging at all costs I used to be anorexic until I started purging the one meal I ate everyday but then I ate more cause I knew I could puke it up and now I eat alot and puke alot and I am HUGE. puking is not good for you if you do it alot and I am trying so hard to stop just don't get yourself in the cycle :) have a good evening

  5. aww you look so cute with your new hairstyle! and the headband is gorgeous!

  6. Your hair looks great! But your hair always looks great, just like your outfits. :D

    Yay for 2 days purge free! You can make it 3, and then 4, 5, 6, until you get yo infinity. I know you can. <3

    I asked a friend about the blood tests--he said your like sugar levels stuff might be off, but that you could pass it off as you just getting over a stomach bug or something like that.