outfit

just a quick post to show u my outfit that i wore too work yesterday and with the boy after then i have to work today again so no big post but i have off tomm so i will update u guys on the the days that u missed

4/29/11

sorry no outfit pic today as u can tell since im blogging right now im not out witht he boy im not with him at all he went out with hes friends tonite and we are hanging out tomm instead but tomm ihave to work 1-930pm so we wont get to spend much time together and i miss himl ike crazy i havent talked to him since last friday i jsut wanna hear hes voice and i wan thimt o hole me for i can finally sleep and for my crazy head would give me a break but nope i wont its ok though he needs friend time i dont mind being by myself i hate being around alot of people id rather b in my room all by myself but i still miss him and wish that he was here with me

i had to work today 10-6 yes it was a long day and my voice isnt back yet and after awhile of talk in start to squek and whisper its bad at one point my managers just said stop just stop talking and they took me off the register and let me just b on the floor and when i would try to talk they would just say enough shut up ur not allowed to talk i have been this way since sat so its going on a week now i just wish my voice was back already

they make fun of me cause i sound so bad its just ugh and they are like ur alwasy sick how r u alwasy sick everytime the weather changes ur sick and ur alwasy cold its cause ur too tiny

idk where they get the too tiny from im far from that i stepped ont eh scale this moring back up to 107 ugh wtf y the fuck did that happen how the fuck did that happen

i had a chance to not eat dinner tontie since i didnt have to but i fucked that up and ate to much ugh fuck me

well im int he process of redoing one section of my lil wall. yes i have posters and drawings and everyhing all over my walls so i decided that i would redo one section of it this is what i got so far




it says "never give up" at the top and then the quote "it is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light" at the bottom

im stil not completely done with it yet but thats whati got so far

and i also bought some stuff at work its buy one get one half off thre right now so i got 2 pairs of flip flops adn 2 clearance shirts here are teh shirts




i know i owe u guys a bunch of thinpso posts since im behind there an di gotta answer the comments on my last couple postings as well i promse i will get to that

love u all

4/27/11

im in love with this weather spring has finally hit new jersey and i cant b happier spring ismy fav season followed closley by summer
i love srping its warm but not to warm its just like perfect today it was in the 70's and i was perfectly fine and content in my jeans long seelve thermal and flip flops thats the perfect weather for me when i can go outside in that outfit and just b perfect not hot or cold just content and happy

ppl at work looked at me like i was crazy to wear that since it was so hot out but thats just perfect for me they dont understand that i am colder then most ppl i was even in a long sleeve shirt yesterday in 80 degree weather i had shorts on though but god i was just so happy that spring has finally got here it really helps brighten my moods

im tired of ppl making fun of me i can barely talk my voice is so raspy and i squick its bad u should hear me if i sotp talking for awhile its not to bad but once i start talking and the more i talk the worse it gets

i had customers at work tell me today how horrible i sound i had one coworker tell me to go home yeah i might sound bad but i dont feel bad i kicked the first part of the sickness i just cant talk nomral yet and from talking all day at work my throat is sore but im not in pain im on 3 aleve a day instead of 6 thats grosss there yeah i still feel the stuff dripping down my throat but o well

but i dont understand y ppl have to make fun of me for it my family laughs at me my one manager at work coudlnt even recognize me on the phone and said i need a new doc since im always sick hes like it seems like whenever the weather changed even the slightest ur sick

yeah that might b true but the turht i smy immune system is shot from my eating disorder and there is nuttin i can do about it i just deal with it yeah it sucks but u kinda get use to being sick all the time like i dont now how it is to feel healthy i just dont know and i prob will never know o well

i had my lil cousins yesterday and since i didnt have to work i spent 7 striaght hours with thme and it was the best 7 hours ever yeah i was completely ehxhasted after wards and ate to much but it was so so worth it

i got a shrot nap in with N he acutally fell alseep on me and i was missing my lil cuddle bug so i left him there while i layed down he slept over an hour i only slept like 30 mins but i kept waking up to make sure he was ok u know what i mean and yeah i didnt cathc him fast enough when he fell one time hes all over the place so he has a bruise on hes face from falling into the rocking chair that kid is just to damn fast

i spent alot of time outside with them we most of took like 3 walks we spent idk how many hours outside it was really fun ihave them tomm as well but i have to go into work at 2 so i will have them prob from liek 930-130 then my mom will have them fomr 130-300 then they get picked up

i havent gotten to c water for elephants yet my sis was home for easter but she has so much school work to do that we didnt get a hcance to go b4 she had to go back and then eysterday i had teh kids and im working the rest of the week so blah i really wanna c it though

but bright side iw as out with my sister and she was lookingin jcpenny i was browsing the clearnace racks and found long sleeve thermals witht he thumb holes for $1.97 i so bought 3 of them yay me :)

also go tmy self 4 more bags of jelly beans i really gotta kick that habit a box of tricsuit(idk y i eat them they fucking wreck my stomach) gum and a cute dress form target yay go me

i really think im a fucking maschostic or soemthing like damn i cause myself pain so many times cause i think i deserve it i eat food that i know will make me sick and in pain and i do it on purpose cause i fucking deserve it cause im a fat ass gors smothering elephant and i desrve to b in pain

food log for today got it was o much food hate myself

*mango
*5 mayb 7 handufl jellybeans
*lipton cup of soup srping veggie
*frui bowl(cup cantalope, banana, apple)- ididnt eat it all thers was still a few pieces of banans and some apple in there but my tummy statted to hurt
*3 pieces choc
*bowl of my speical macroni salad
*2 many triscuits

yup c fat ass and im scared to step on the scale fuck me

4/25/11

do u guys think im a fake? that my recovery was all just a made up scheme that i was just fooling myself into it or sometihng?

thats nt really making sense but my head is a mess but im starting to think that i was fooling myself thati m just a fraud that i dont really have an ed cause really no1 cares no1 notices the doctors could care less about my weight so really im not sick that the recovery was all just a haux of something mayb im just normal mayb all that i do to myself is normal i dont have a problem im perfectly normal

al the thoughts the voices the cutting and the pills the binging and the purging the over exercising the fasting and the restricting is all just normal cause there is no way that im sick cause if i was sick ppl would notice ppl would care ppl would wanna help me

but nope i dont get help cause im not sick im 5'5 and 106 lbs im not sick im not 25 percent under my weight now even close i would have to b 93 lbs for that i still get my period even though its fucked up even ont he pill my doc never says nething i have high cholestrol and high blood pressure i have dehyradtion and IBS my bloood work always comes out fine i guess idk he doesnt say enthing when he checked my cholestorl i knw it shows all the other stuff

my sickness and my chest pains my dizziness and my passing out my tiredness and fatique is all just for nuttin cause im healthy and fine and a happy person who doesnt have depression or anxiety who doesnt cut ur pain away or who use to drown it away with alcohol and pills

so am ij ust a fake a wannabe? i hate the wannabes but what if i am one of them ive never been diangnoed never been hospitalized never been sick enough to warrant that attention i guess

even if the boy does say hes gonna take me to the hosptial at times but u know what he doesnt cause he knows there isnt nething they can do cause im not sick

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ok no for how my day is going
im sick again i can barely talk at least my throat isnt hurting as bad as it was but i can still barely talk my nose si stuffy and everytime i sniffle or try to breathe too hard i can feel the stuff dripping into my thorat i know what that is i have post nasal drip again an di need yet anotuh nasal spray but yeah im not going ive already had 2 this year i can deal with the nasal sprays nemore obv they arent helping so whats the point of going to the doc

i trie dto go for a walk yesterday but i was jsut so tired i was lagging behind my sis and mom and they keep saying come on dani u can do it like i was a 5 yr old im not a 5yr old i just wasnt feeling well but i did manage to make it thru the walk

easter wasok it wasj ust like a normal day in my house expcept my mom cooked we didnt go out to visit family fuck we didnt even eat as a family i ate in my room i had boiled potatoes and half spoonfuls of corn, 2 sppoonfuls of green beans and lil piece of turky. i snacke don a lil choc thru the day which made me run tot he bathroom but hey i was feeling bloated enway so it worked in my favor think i snackedon some nature valley bars and jelly beans as well idk i dont remmeber

i wanna go to the gym but idk what my body can handle so i have been laying in bed all day reading ive read like 3 fanfics in 2 days yes i read alot

i wen tot the store yesterday got capri suns, 2 mango, 2 cantalopes, and lipton cup of soups spring veggie flavor

i still have to get apples and bananas yes and ingredients to make my glutne dairy free macaroni salad. i spent alot of time online yesterday tyring to figure out what i wanted to amek and coudlnt decide on what to make and since its finally starting to get warmer out here i decided on the macroni salad

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unbeautiful-thanx hun and coloring eggs was fun

struggle to b thin- i am lukcy to have hium ur right

stfusarah- i knew that shirt was from there i work there i stare at all the clothes all day long

sarah-thanx hun

a-i am so following u again what happend that u got found out?

zette-yes i do burn alot of cals running after those 3 lil monsters but i love them its all worht it in the end and i will def let u know whant i get around to reading them

danea- nah no daycare for me i love kids but i feel weird watching other ppls kids those 3 monster are my cousins i feel so ocmfortable around them

acka11- so u know hwo i feel at the end of the day then

4/23/11

outfit




this is what i wore last nite out with the boy i weighed 106 that moring yes the scale keeps going up and down and its driving me nuts i wish it would just go down not down then up then down again and then up again ugh wtf is up with that idk

but i worked 10-6 yesterday and it was a crazy day cause the company was doing like 5 different specials at one time and now could b combined it was a nightmare and ppl kept getting mad at me liek fuck what do u wnat me to do about it but thats the life of retail ugh but it made the day go buy realy quickly but i talked so much that my throat hurts ugh

but the boy came over at like 730pm and we watched the flyer i fell alsssp for like 10 miuntes ive just been so exhausted lately manely cuase i havent been sleeping but the lfyers lost in overtime like fuck thats just fucked up ugh they have to win tomm

the boy said i have to sleep mor ei know i have to sleep more but i told him icoudlnt help it it was my stomach he though it was cuase iwasnt eating againb ut its cause i am eating and im in pain so he backed off a lil after that but i knwo that istill need to sleep more im barely getting by

but he said he was really thinking about taking me to the hosital last wkd cause i lookekd so cik im like there nuttin they could of done for me he said that he knew that thats y he didnt take me

but i think im getting sick again idk im hot like hot hot an dits cold out my throat hurts my hole body hurts when istand up i feel like ima fall down my head is cloudy my nose si stuffy fuck this like im alwasy sick cause i fucked up my immune system so bad

well this was just a quick post i work 430-930 today then i have 3 days off and the boy says i should enjoy them relax go to the gym i really need those days off

well ima color eggs with my sis love u all

4/21/11

so i rememebered today y i dont take laxatives nemore my body jsut cant take it nemore after abusing them for so long then stopping and then my health going done yea i cant do it nemore
i took 8 of them last nite 8 was sually nuttin for me but i took 8 and then i was up at 5am which isnt unusual for me nemore but i was acutally sleepign the cramping woke me up it was so bad and iw as so nasouses like really bad nasoues i wound up getting up tiwce to run tot he bathroom but then i just felt so sick i coudlnt do it so i took some pepto that only worked for a lil i think i went like 4 more times after that til they fianlly stopped working and my chest wasnt on fire yeah not taking them for awhile again

i guess theo combo of my ibs and then the laxs was not the best idea in the world
but neway i was 107 lbs yesterday wheni weighed myself this moring i was back to 105.4 c laxs are good for soemthing at least now ij ust gotta keep my weight going down

i had the kids today and let me tell u i am exhasuted u have no idea how much of a handle they are N crawls all ver the place now and he pulls himself up when hes holding on to things he tries to standon hes own but we gotta catch him cause he alwasy falls so he never sit stills nope never

B is just always all over the place he ahs to do what everyone else is doing and then P just likes to tire me out thats the first thing she alwasy says is ima tire dani out today and turst me she alwasy does andshe loves to jump on me too she calls it attacking me and her newest thing is jumping on the legs and then standing up on them and after awhile it really does start to hurt but its so worth it

we did so much today after it warmed up i took P and B out for a walk it was still a lil too windy to take N out but we took a nice slow walk around the block i was a lil cold but i would do nething for those kids

and then it eventually did get warmer and we all went outside we but N in the stroller and he was so tired cause he was fighting sleep so he had to keep moving i must ofpushed him around the yard like idk 5-10 times and then ma took over

me and P palyed tag at first and then she wanted to do gymnastics she takes classes has since she was lil she can do a cartwell a back bend a forward roll and a handtand so we had to do that together and we had to copy each other it got dizzy but it was nice to do that again i cant do ne of the hard stuff ne more but i still got my cartwheel, roundoff, handstand, handstand forward roll, front walk over, back walkover, and front handspring. i didnt even attempt to do my backhandpring or roundoff handrping or tuck i use to b able to tumble so good i had a full and an arabian at one point back in high school god i miss being able to do that

ok back tot he kid we also had to paly on the slide which mean running up it yes we teach the kids bad habits o well we run up slides its fun so we had to run up tehm and slide down them i got a pretty good workout outside id have to say

we palyed more games inside as well an di cant tell u how many times i had to walk up and down the hall today trying to get N to go to sleep i cant even guess
but we did watch tv mostly spongebob that show dirves me nuts but the kids like it so we watched that and icarly some clifford and curios george we drew pictures on the computer and did races and a shit ton of other stuff as well

i just got done cleaning up my room al il it was a disaster and i work 8 hours tomm i wont have time to clean it b4 the boy comes over so i had to do it now and i also hhave to find the concentration to llok for jobs i need a real full time big girl job one with set hours and wont run me down so eaisly so i will have to do that today

heres my foodlog so far today

breakfast
*mango
*lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*mint hot green tea
*water

with kids
*capri sun
*bottle of water
*bowl of chips
*5 pieces of home made easter candy

im dirnknig water right now idk what ima have for dinner yet if i eat it idk im still thinking i gotta wake up a lil first though

but yay my books that i ordered off of amazon came in today that made me happy




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unbeautiful- the top and bottoms are seperate they dont go together they had bottoms that matched the top but i dont like to b matchy matchy so i went with the black bottoms and i dont like string bottoms either and the matchy ones were string so

A- yeah i was down that low its been a long time years since i have seen those 80 numbers

kitkat- thanx hun i just dont see it

acka11-yeah ih ave to workout it keeps me i=sane i would go completely crazy if i coudlnt

anna- thanx hun and yeah i like my tat as well

danae-thanx hun i wish i coud c what u guys c

anoyomous- thanx huunny

needlesedge-thanx

4/20/11

guess who finally broke done and bought a bathing suit today i havent owned one in years an dimean years they scare they everliving fuck out of me but i bought one 2day just cause the boy said i should get one for when we go on vacation

so im taking a huge step here and showing u guys my suit and yes im wearing it and i was 107 lbs this morning this is what recovery did to my body im just so fat and gross an dmy stoamch needs a shit ton of work doen on it i need my stomach to b conccaved instead of blugging out at the lower part like it is now ijust need to lose like idk how much weight i would love double digits

but neway time to face the music here it is im sorry if my gross body revolts ppl




i worked 12-7 2day and ij ust kpet moving i had 3 fitting room shifts and normaly i spend my time standing there just u know doing nuttin taking a break from the ringing and talked to ppl and just all that retain entails but i decided that i would keep moving while i was in there i was so tired by the time i got outof there

my chest is starting to hurt again and i kept rubbing it al day i know the rubbing doesnt help it much but it makes me feel better well myhead feel better at least
andmy lungs are starting to hurt again i getting thta pain again n my back right were my ribs are o my lovely body is really drivving me nuts y can tit just stopped hruting for alil while

they asked me to work tomm but i told them it was my only day off this week so they said it was fine that i should enjoy my day off

i had the kids al il in the morning well ihad them for 2 hours and they completley tired me out P kept jumping on me she likes to beat up crazy girl N is all over teh place he is crawling now and he pulls himself up and B is hes just typical self

i have them tomm as well and i dont work so its me and the 3 of them well my mom will b there too but i get o sepnd hours with themand i just cant wait

so i kinda thought of a new plan its not like concrete or enthing but i was thinking that i could do half a protein shake for one meal and then another half of a protein shake for another meal and then a semi normal meal for the other idk if i will do that all the time but its something at least

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thin is everything- yeah i work alot and its retail so im constanly on mmy geet so i have to eat a li lmore just for i dont pass out in the store

anoyomous- i know i work alot but i have to in order to pay the bills

A- i do what i have to to get by u alwasy dow hat u have to no matter what

mich-yes my luandry is clean but its still not folded lol