12/31/09

holy fuck its been while since i updated sorry about that but my boss has been makinme ea cookies and choc and i feel like a fucking failure and to top it all off the boyfriend has noticed that ive been restricitng alot again. he was on my case for while and he thought i was doing better so he backed off but now he realized that i was restricting and is now bakc on my case ugh fuck me. he noticed cause i was getting really bad stomach aches again when ever he made me eat cause my boyd wasnt use to that amount of ood of curse he noticed on xmas eve srsly we can never have a nice holiday together cause i always fuck it up ugh wtf so hes beenmaking me eat but lettin gme pick out what i want to thats a good thing :)

tuesday nite i had a veggie sandwhich (280) and grapes(60) with him he made me stop somewhere and buy it ugh

yeaterday i had hot choc(25) and dry cereal(125) and then he said i had to have dinner b4 i picked him up so i had a salad(60) and a non fat yogurt(60)

today i was gonna go to the gym and work out for ahwile since i acutally dot have to go to work for oncein my life i went downstairs to leave and its fucing snowing so that fucked up my plans up. s i drank a slim fast shake in choc (190) an di guess today is going to b a crunches cleaning room not eatingmuch day

i will prob stay in for new years the boy might go out but if he wants to go out he can im not muchinto parting nemore id rather stay home and read and watch movies i wish he would stay home with me but i cant force him

well stay strong everyone and have a happy new years

12/21/09

ok so today wasnt the best eating day and i have no idea how many cals i ate today ugh i suck. my sis's bday was over the wkd they had a party at my aunts house and i couldnt go cause of work and then it snowed a fuck of a lot well tey end up staying over and bought the rest of the cake home with them. so today i had 2 pieces of cake, 3 small xmas cookies, triscuits, 2 grapes, cup of popcorn, 2 snack size candy bars, green beans, and a non fat yogurt. i knw i suck horrible and my acid relfexs is killing me at the moment ugh i hate it if i knew it was gonna comei would o fnever stopped purging goi really suck

i did get some good exercise in though at least thats something
65 mins bike- 416
35 mins elly- 281
over 10,000 steps taken- 278

so thats something but god i really gotta start doing better i keep playing musical eating disorders its like my head and body just cant stay with one nope its gotta have ana mia bingy its like really ugh and it jumps around i never know what one im gonna have on ne given day

recent pics of me

heres 4 pics that i took of myself this morning. i know im fat and gross but i will get the weight off. i have 2 of my back and 2 of my side/ stomach

oo and i gave in to the urge to purge i feel so much better trying not to purge for 3 weeks was hell

12/16/09

wow look who hasnt updated in awhile my bad sorry but ive been on my period an dive been eating more then i want cause im a fat fuckng failure but ive had enough of being fat. so ive decided im not gong over 600 cals nemore nope 600 cals a day thats it nuttin more but less is great :). the only excpetiong is that every friday the boyfriend takes me out for a high cal meal its hes way of making sure im eating and not dieing agaon so that day will b a lil high. i try to get healthy grilled chicken with veggies and salad but he usually makes me eat like cheese fries or something greasy an high cal and gross and it makes me wanna puke

breakfast
*6 tablespoons egg whites- 50 cals
*apple w/cinnamon- 25 cals
* 1 choc chip cookie- 50 cals

lunch
*triscuits- 200 cals

dinner
*salad(lettuce, tomato, kosher pickles, wine vingar)- 60 cals

after work snack(having now)
* hot choc- 25 cals
* jello- 40 cals( idk if im acutally gonna have the full 40 cals but im adding it in as ifi am just in case)

drinks
* 3 bottles of water- 0 cals
* 2 cups yogi green tea blueberry slim life- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 450

exercise
* 65 min bike- 400 cals burned
* 45 min elly- 350 cals burned
* 8,704 steps taken- 227 cals burned

total cals burned- 977

well ima finsh my snack then read and do crunches stay strong everyone

rant

hey guys so this is just gonna b a rant cause im pissed the fuck off and i just need to vent to get it off my fucking chest ugh

ok here it goes so i have this ana friend, im not gonna mention names, but neway i met this friend on pt and we really hit it off we even exchanged numbers and we use to txt all the time. and i mean all the time everyday all day so that was fine for a while. and then a few months ago she decided that she wanted to recover and i supported her i told her it would b hard but i would support her no matter what but i always told her that if would prob b better if she didnt talk to me cause i wasnt gonna recover and i didnt wanna hinder hers. but she decided that she still wanted to talk to me and still b friends so i was like ok and that was going well for while but then she was getting all pissy and bossy saying that i should recover that icant do it that i just wasnt trying hard enough. i told her that i had no intention what so ever to recover netime soon ana is m life and will always b my life. well then she goes well im dont with this fucking selfish lifestyle dont talk to me ever again. so im like fine good luck and i let it go at that. well we didnt alk for mayb a month or so idk im just gueesin here but she txted me said that she was relasping well i wasnt having ne of that so i told her off cause theres no way she was gonna fucking talk to me like that and get away wit me so she didnt relapse but then she txted me a few weeks that and said that she was sorry and she didnt wanna get better nemore so i took her back and we went back to the way we use to b talking all the time but things were still weird so then i wasnt here from here for awhile and she wasnt answeing my txts i txted her on thanksgiving and nuttin so i txted her 2 days later and her sis answered saying what she died 2 days ago that her haeart exploded. i was fucking devasted and then i was thinking wait things dont add up cause she was on pt the day b4 and the mutal friend of ours said she was on facebook well long story short i found out last nite that she really isnt dead that she faked the hole fucking thing. needless to say im fucking pissed off how selfish can u fucking me to fake ur own death like really are u that much of a fucking attention whore that u need to fake ur own death to feel better about urself im fuckng down with her im down i cant fucking deal it fucking ridc so i ended up having mini binge last nite cause i was pissed but the plan was to go to the gym thismorning and work it off but the fucking weather had different opinion and it snowed an di couldnt go but i had so much built up frustration that need out. so i ended cutting yes i self harm and no i dont plan on stopping so dont tell me its bad i know that but i like the release so im not gonna stop but neway i cut my arms sat so i coudlnt do it there again cause there werent healed yet so i decided to do my ribs i felt so better after. the hurt now cause everytime i move it pulls at the cuts but it was worth it

well thanks for listening to my rant and sorry it was long and i swear alot dont mean to offend neone but i needed to get that out ugh srslywouldnt u guys b pissed as all fuck as well

well tomm im planning on a gym visit i need a work out and im on my period which sucks so i feel even more fat then normal ugh

ima go do crunches and watch tv love u all and thanx for listening

12/7/09

breakfast
special k choc delight cereal- 160 cals
apple wit cinnamon- 30 cals

lunch
green beans- 60 cals
dry cereal- 60 cals

dinner
chicken noodle soup- 200 cals

after work snack(gonna eat it soon)
speical k choc delight cereal- 160 cals

drinks
3 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 670

exercise
40 min elly- 303 cals burned
65 min bike- 410 cals burned
8,428 steps taken- 212 cals burned

total cals burned- 925

so im trying my hardest to b 100 lbs by xmas im 106 now yeah i know i gained alot and i suck u can tell me i suck i went form 94 lbs over the summer to 106 lbs now ew gross ugh so i need to get back to 100 lbs by xmas at least only downfall is that i get my period this week so i gotta try my heardest not to give in to my cravings i cant get fatter i gotta get smaller

well im off to finish watching one tree hill love that show, then i gotta look up blue ray players cause thats what the boy wants for xmas and i know nutting about them so research and then finally crunches lots of crunches

12/3/09

breakfast
special k vanilla almond- 15o cals
cake- 100 cals

lunch
green beans- 60 cals
cantalope- 50 cals

snack
cup of popcorn- 25 cals

dinner
salad- 80 cals( i didnt eat it all but id rather over estimate then under estiamte)
banana- 75 cals
6 grapes- 24 cals

drinks
4 bottles of water- 0 cals

total cals consumed- 534

exercise
8,421 steps taken- 212 cals burned
35 min elly- 270 cals burned
65 min tready- 491 cals burned

total cals burned- 973

i also had to carry around my bosses 52 lb dughter for like 20 minutes cause she was being clingy and wouldnt let me put her down im sure i will have bruises on my stomach and hip bones form her damn squirmy lil 7 year old ugh

well i gotta paint my nails to hide that they are really discolored then its crunches time

12/2/09

as i set here ruining my nice 220 cal day by eating cake and ben and jerrys froyo half baked i realize that im a fucking fat ass mother fucking failure and thats just not aceptable i cant keep on this cycle of binge/purge/starve/eat normal repeat i cant keep doing that i just gotta starve from now on i gotta get this weight off this is fucking ridc i hate it im up to fucking 108 lbs ew thats just gross thats 2 lbs away from my starting weight. god i went from 94 lbs over the summer to 108 lbs now that just unnacceptable damn force feeding which led to me binging. so this is the end of it after this binge i am done binging i need the weight off. im tired of ppl telling me that i look better now healthier not sick nemore truth i wanna look sick i wana b skin and bones i want my hip bones to stick out so much i need my ribs out more i wanna c every bone in my back thats what i want and thats what ima get.

so new plan starting tomm its a bowl of special k cereal fro breakfast another bowl for lunch then dinner is salad with either a bowl of fruit, veggies or soup i might change the plan a lil cause i get bored easily lol but thats the jist of it i need to get out of the triple digits by xmas then hopefully between 90-95 lbs by my bday in january

today was going good til now i had

breakfast
1/2 cup blueberries- 40 cals
vanilla yogurt- 60 cals

lunch
9 tablespoons egg beaters egg whites- 75 cals
1 peice whole wheat toast- 45 cals
12 grapes- 48 cals

at the gym i did the treadmill and burned 511 cals ive also taken 9,500 steps and burned 246 cals

today would of been a very good day if i didnt ruin it right now ugh god i hate myself i just wana cut so bad i wanna c the blood i want to let the badness out but sadly i cant cause i gotta lifeguard on sat and the cuts wouldn't b healed my then ugh


oooo a good note i get to c my 3 yr old and 3 month old cousin tomm they brighten up my day im so happy andi cant wait to c them

well girlies ima finsih this food then do crunches all nite till i get to tired and sleep