Tuesday, November 15, 2011


96 lbs naked 98 lbs in clohtes at doc appt(yoga pants, cami, thin but baggy zip up hoodie, moccasins)

doc said i dont have much more to lose to not lose nemore to try and sleep on a schedule u know he upped my dosage of anitdepressants 40 mg now instead of 20mg he said if they arent working yet in a month hes gonna take them of them completely and started treating my fibromylagia instead

idk what to think i just wish some1 would help me to notice that im not ok idk what else i have to do i told him im barely sleeing im tired i hurt so bad im not hungry i dont eat much and everytime i eat it still hurts so bad all he did was jsut up my antidepressants. he doesnt wanan give me any sleeping pills yet cuase there arent many generic versions of that out yet and i need generic cause of my fucked up insurance

i just ugh im so confused idk what to think i cant stand being in my head nemore i wnat all the thoughts to b gone ijust wanna b alone in my head i want to b content i want to b able to eat and not freak out about every lil bite i take i just want to b normal thats all i want is that to much to ask for

well app it is cuase i cant handle like my head is a jumbled mess i freak that fuck out bout water i have to do curnches i have to keep moving i have to go to the gym i have to take antacaids i have to lay there and feel my bones i have to eat less and less and less ijust have to ugh i cant deal with this i told the boy i wouldnt go to the gym nemore this week i went sat sun and mon so no more these week and thats freaking me otu i need the gym i need to burn off what im eating and then more im just not handling nething right now

can some1 help me pelase i cant go on like this nemore i want some1 to help me i want the doc to notice i reached the point u know the point where u know that u just cant do it nemore that u dont know how much more ur body can take ur mind ur everything idk how to beat this disease.


  1. I don't know if your doctor has mentioned melatonin, or if you've ever taken it, but I know a lot of people that use that to help them sleep. The other thing that my mom takes is benadryl, since it isn't addictive and knocks most people out pretty well. I know sleep aids aren't ideal, but you're having so much trouble... and that's odd about the antidepressants and fibromyalgia, because that's how they treat fibromyalgia a lot of the time, with antidepressants, since fibromyalgia is basically neurons misfiring and creating pain for no reason.

    I also keep trying to think if there is anywhere nearby where you could get free or low cost therapy. I think all of these negative and overwhelming thoughts need to be addressed by a professional, not your GP. I'm just not sure of where you might be able to go. I'm going to do some googling and look into it...

  2. I'm sorry hun, I know how overwhelming everything is for you right now. Have you tried telling your doctor how you feel? I think the best advice my mother ever gave me growing up was that there's no point in sitting around waiting for someone to help me--if something is wrong or I need help, I can only get it by either helping myself of telling someone I need help.

    Obviously that's a hell of a lot easier said than done, but it might be worth a try to see what your options are for therapy or something.


  3. ...then again, if you're in the same situ as me with your health insurance, I can see why you have trouble getting the help you need. It's BS!!!! Like we don't matter, and our pre-existing conditions don't matter until they kill us. It makes me INSANE with rage.

  4. I'm so sad to hear about how intense your pain is. I've been in the situation where I say I'm not okay but don't feel heard. I also think you should see someone more than your GP. He can give you antidepressants, but not help you with your thoughts as well as a therapist could. There are counselors/social workers too and many have a sliding scale. There is www.psychologytoday.com, go to link 'find a therapist/therapy group', and you can see who's in your area and what they charge and whether they accept insurance. You deserve to feel better, in body and mind. You deserve your health and happiness. I wish you the best.

  5. If you are unable to see someone to talk to in person, have you ever considered calling a hotline? At least then you can get some advice from a trained professional and still remain anonymous, and I think the calls are free. This blog that I found has so many numbers... Please take a look at it. If you are at that breaking point, know that there are still options. It's never too late.



  6. Sorry you are feeling down. I don't know what to say as everyone has said it all ^^^. Except try to hang there. it will get better. xxx

  7. My Dear,
    I really want hug you and say that in the end everything gonna be alright. I know it's hard to beleive but hope is everythin we have.
    Stay Strong,

  8. I'm so sorry you're not well. I just want to let you know that I think about you often and you're part of the reason I stay on blogger...I hope you feel better. xx

  9. I hate that you are feeling like this :( I hate that I havent been there for you at all. I miss you and i want to make the bad things all go away for you. i started cutting again and I can't stop.. the only person i thought about was you. you understand all that bullshit

    get better love, feel well.

    i miss you

  10. Unisom is the best sleeping pill I've ever taken