11/13/11

so i owe u guys a long explanation as to y i havent been on hi everyone im ok i hope that u havent been worrying much im ok for the mose part everything has just been so hard lately hard for me to concentrate hard for me to work fuck just hard but i do what i have to do an di alwasy will i go to the work when i am schedule i even pick up extra shifts even though its hard to get out of bed everyday

but im sorry that ihavent been on its been a really bad time in my head and everything just got so jumbled and messed up i needed to distance myself a lil and its not cause u guys dont care or nething i know thatu guys care about me i just needed a break from the hole eating disorder world i didnt go on ne of the support sites i just went to work read my books worked our and came home curled up in a ball at time and ahted myself just laid there so down and out i havent been sleeping much at all and u can tell by the bags under my eyes i was sick as well and it took a week to get my voice fully back it prob would of came back sooner if i didnt talk but i had to talk at work and i sounded like minnie mouse by the end of the day and everyone would tell me to shut up to not talk but then they would but me on register it hurt so back but after work friday i didnt talk till 2am when i went tot he diner with the boy but he told me not to ttalk and then i didnt talk all day yesterday untill i had my breakdonw but good news my voice is almost nearly back thank good and i still ahve the next 2 d ays off as well

yeah work sucks i need money bad but i only got scheduled 3 days next week the store isnt dong well and teh company isnt giving us many hours so i have off saturday-tuesday then i work wednesday adn thursday 10-6 then have off friday work sat 11-7 it sucks major ass my credit cards r like $5 away from being maxed out my medical bills are just ugh piss me off then ih ave gas and my car and my car insurance and food its ugh its all to much to handle on a part time pay check im tired of living paycheck to paycheck but it is what it is and i will deal with it im still looking for a new job and im jsut hoping one will come my way but i know the economy sucks so i shoudl just b happy that i have a job in the first place u know what i mean

so yeah so my breakdown it was just bad but its being hidden for awhile and it just came out and it was ugh i was crying and all the boy did was hold me and we talk and i talked and its hard cause we have a good relationship he does so much for me i love him so much our relationship is strong even if ppl dont think so but i just wanna b perfect for him the perfect girlfriend i feel like i never do enough for him which he called me stupid over but u know it was just a bad breakdown i just want everything to b aight u know but we talked how he knew i wasnt doing well even though i tried to hide it cause i dont wanna put my problems on him i kept telling him i was ok and hes like no no ur not ok ur just not and hes rightim not ok and i will never b fully ok even though he wants me to b i tired to explain that to him and i think he gets its he udnerstandits a disease that its mental that is not my fault that i have it and hes starting to understand that it will alwasy b there in my head it never completely goes away he says i have to go at it head first and fight it b stronger but right now im not strong at all not even in the slightest but im trying im eating i see that as trying but i know im not eating enough hes trying to understand how im eating and not gaining weight he accused me of doing other things i didnt say i wasnt puking i just said im eating not enough but im eating and eating is hard enough for me as it is hes like all the girls i know like to eat its hard for them to stop eating and then u i cant get u to eat and hes right i cant eat i just eat i freak out so much i cant handle dinner ijust cant its so hard explaining that all to him hes like just eat it and lay down take a nap let it stick to u and im like no no no i cant do that ijust cant i dont like feeling full i dont like the food in me i just cant handle that and plus if i nap i wont sleep at nite and he knows that i barely sleep i look like shit hes not a fan of meds at all but he admitted last nite that i need them and in a higher dose cause really im worse now im getting worse i need more i need sleep aides i need add ones i cant concentrate on enthing at all even writign this is hard i have to have music on just to write it but he said he doesnt want anorexi girlfriend im liek u already ahve one im just not that small hes liek dont lose nemore weight u cant lsoe nemore i need something to hold onto ur boobs are like half the size and that bought us into the hole boob talk that was werid hes like u dont want them do u im like no i dont i dont want them big i just dont and hes looking at me like im nuts but we already established that i am nuts so thats nuttin new hes like i jsut want them back were they were i dont want them big just back and imjust starting at him as hes grabbing my waist and it hurts when he does that it hurts hes like i didnt mean to hurt me and he didnt he was just grabbing me like ne boyfriend would but me being me it hurts theres more i just cant remeber or concentrate nemore but he said i shoudl gain 10 lbs and with that i freaked the fuck out hes like its just 10 lbs u wont get fat u wont i dont want u so small i dont understand how u think i want u that small i will tell u if u get to big but he knows i will never ever allow myself to get big 10 lbs idk if i can do that i really dont u know how skinny 10 lbs is to me that means back to double digits which i dont want to go back we talked i said i woudl try more to eat more i would try hes like 3 meals a day im like what do u mean by meals hes like idk hes like what do u eat and i dont eat much i pretty much live off of veggies fruit cereal and soup some yogurt its not much at all hes like u cant live off of that u need real food and im just looking at him like real food hes liek chicken u like chicken and that bought on the hoel i cant touch raw meat talk im really crazy with that i cant touch it its all slimy and gooey and u have to cut off the fat i cant do it i cant even pick it up in the package hes like what bout me would u cook for me and i said yeah i would cook for u and hesl iek i like meat and im like i know i woudl do it for u hes like it doesnt make snese how u would do it for me but not for urself but it makes sense head whcih i know makes no snese to neone else but o well but i guess we said i woiuld eat chicken at least once during the week and its not including the day i eat with him but im not gonna do that right away cause a) i dont have money and 2) i cant fucking touch the stuff and he doesnt want me to buy the frozen stuff not good for u well thats at least the break down i scared him though cause i was crying and im like it hurts everything hurts i dont wanna b in my head nemore and he just laid down but hes head on my chest and just let me cry y does this disease have to suck so much y cant i just b ok y cant i b normal and happy and confident and be one of those girls who can eat with out freaking out who doesnt have to exercise so much how can acutally eat and not freak out about every fucking morsel of food that goes in there mouth its ridc im losing it completely and utterly lsoing it

o and if u were wondering 97 lbs thats me no i dont have a scale yet but im going oby the gym scale i went to the gym today did my workout burnt 686 cals then weighed myself had on knee high scoks, soffee shorts, sports bar, cami and long sleeve shit drank about 1/4 of my liter of water while working out and b4 workout had some candy corn and sweettarts and the scale read 98 lbs so i subtracted a lb so i subtract more do u think?

and i ordered my new phone today boy offered to get me a new phone as early xmas present since im due for an upgrade and my phone is ready to die i have verizon and i got the iphone 4s in white 16gb we tried to order it online but couldnt cause its undermy moms name so they canceled the order and we and mom went to the store today he gave me money but it wasnt in so they ordered it for me and have to pay when i pick it up i wasnt gonna get insurance on it cause i dont have the extra money but for some reason mom is being nice and she said she would pay the $10 insurance every month for me and i would just give her the data plan money so now i just have to wait for it to come in hopefully soon :)

and shes still being nice when i walked in from work on friday she was making her shopping list and she called me over and acutally said she would get me food first she just said my unsweetend lamond milk and then she said what else do u need so she got me milk my gluten free bread. canned peas, bags of frozen veggies, apples, honey bunches of oats vanilla and even soy yogurt i didnt ask for that but she got it and its like $1 for one yeah expesnivce but she was nice and bought it for me so now i dont have to go food shopping thank god i hate it i might make my soup again so i will have to go and get those ingreadients

wow this is prob getting long isnt it im sorry im jsut typing getting it out i have to workout i feel gross acutally ate some today yesterday all i ad was an apple some chips and candy corn i know not much at all but it happens i dont do it on purpose like alot of ppl think im not activily not eating i jsut forget to eat i acutally hate eating cause it hurts so bad u have no idea how much antacids i take on a daily basis to deal with the pain

ok i shoudl prob wrap this up but first my lil cousin turned 2 the other day i love those kids i got ot play with them 2 days last week it really helps i miss my lil munchkin though shes in preschool

ok pick time real quick sorry i dont have a pic for this week cause of my breakdown i looked like shit and we didnt do nething

but i have a pic of my outfit from last week and apic of my spine which needs to b out alot more god i need to lose weight