5/9/11

so am i a bad person for thinking this my mom toldme this morning that my sis wants to t the special k diet and i immediatily though i cant let her b smaller then me im like 103 now shes prob around 115-120ish and hes an inch shorter then me

i need to lose more weight i cant let her lose more then me i kow i shoudlnt b thinking like that but its the first thing that stuck in my head and she got the good special k too the chocolate delight one thats my fav but due to my dairy allergy i cant have it nemore

ive been ahving problem with my kidneys as well for the past 3 days they have just hurt so bad i cant lay down casue of the pain i cant lean against nething even the lsighest pressure jsut kills me idk y though idk y they are hurting

i have off of work today i did manage to make it to the gym this mornng i did 65 mins on elly and burnt 438 cals it was hard to push myself thru it cause it was hard to breathe an dmy chest hurt an dmy legs weree just fighting me the hole way but i went slower so i didnt burn as much as i wanted but hey at least i still burnt something

ive had a headache for days i take 3 aleve it goes away for awhile and then it just comes back and my chest pains are back o just lovely

but me and my sis might go c water for elephants today so if we do u know i will blog about it later casue i cant wait to c that movie

i went to the grocery store yesterday got 6 apples, bunch of small bananas, 6 cans diet ginger ale, tostitos and salsa(i was in the mood for something crunchy) and theni was bad and walk by the prepackaged food section well it was hot food but the store prepackages more and sets it aside for u to buy so stupid me got some fries and jalapona poppers shoudlnt of got the poppers since they have dairy in them and now im once again nasouses again

i should know better then to eat dairy sicne i cant have it it makes me nasouses if i eat to much i puke or sometimes i get diaharra but i ate it nemore it did make me go tot he bathroom which i havent been in a few dasy gotta love IBS u can go days runnign to the bathroom 3-4 times a day living off of peptop jsut to make it thru the day and then bam ur on the other end of the spectrum and u just cant go for days and ur so uncomfortalbe and gross and fat and just ew

im planning on sometime this week cleaning out my closet and donating the clothes i dont wear nemore i do that at least once a year it makes me feel good and better about myself and knowing that im helping some1 else i love it iput it in the bins that they have at the grocery store

and ive also realzed that i crash on sundays now it seems i can go all week with barely ne sleep cause thats just how my insomnia works but by the time sunday comes and im exhausted from my week of working so much and runnign around and exercising and reistrciting or binging im just fucking dead i amke it thru my 7and hlaf hour work shit on sundays come home eat something and then just crash i dont sleep thru the nite i still wake up many times but i get more sleep then i do all week and then the cycle starts again ugh gotta love it

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aly-yeah i wanna yell so many times i want ppl to just understand but i know theywill never fully understand cause u cant understand until u have it urself and i woudlnt wish this on my worst enemy

mich-yes i would do nething too to have that innocnece back

starving for perfection-only 2 ppl in my life know bout my ed i cant have more ppl knwing the one person just leaves me b the other in the boy and it kills me to c me like this

unbeautiful-yes it was very scary and the boy was with me too an di had to tell me and it scared him too he told me to not take it again im glad ur allergies are a lil better

americaneaglelove- u can rant all u want hun trust me on that and they are already suspicious as it is so yelling would of made it even worse

bones-yes we cant help what we have its a mental disorder that we just have ti live with with no cure or nuttin its just who we are

ignorant people

ok i just need to post something that happened at work yesterday im just so tired of ignorant paople and their way of thinking and joking and commenting on eating disorders like they know what they are talking about when really they have no clue cause they dont know how it is to live with one the torture and hell it is to have the voices in ur head fuckers

but neway it was after closing and me and 2 other girls were just standing around talking while we were waiting for the managers to finish for we could go home

well yeah the one girl goes "im not anorexic or nething i love food but i have like these anorexic phases were im just not hungry so i dont eat but then i get hungry and eat"

and im standing there trying to not like blow up on them cause being anorexic isnt about eating or not eating and its not like we arent hungry in all intent and purposses wer are hungry we fight that hungry daily we fight everything daily

i wish i could just yell and just set thema ll straight cuase its driving me nuts mayb they would stop with allt he omg ur skinny omg ur clothes never fight i would kill to b ur size if they only knew that i really am dying for being this skinny that my health is dropping quickly they might joke that im alwasy sick but if they only knew the truth ugh

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acka11-thanx hun it is rough and i cant help it but i eat event hough im nasouses i should take it to my advantage though adn just not eat and lose weight and then when i go to docs next month they will c im not ok

starvingforperfection-yeah i will follow ur blog hun

unbeaitulf-did u get over ur allergies orno are u still dealing with them? ive treid lactaid b4 it made me throw up blood scared the boy so i dont take it nemore

scaredblogger-ive alwasy called hium the boy i dont even think about it nemore. im alwasy here if u need me hun

kodiak- heknows aobut my ed hun trust me he knows hes seen me at my 2 lowest and has almost hospitalized me a few times so yes he knows i just dont think he understand the docs diagnosis of IBS

thin_thighs-thanx hun

mich-yeah they are meant to b messy but i cant find nething so its now do for a good cleaning when it gets like that its time i just dont know what to do nemore my stomach is gettign wrose its hard

littlejo-thanx hun ur doing well too

diet coke please- the funny thing is i do wanna go to my lowest even if it did wreck my body

sarah- i will never b 100 percent ijust gotta deal with that

outfit

outfit




the boy liked it said i looked reall ynice i try to look nice when i c him cause i dont get to c him much

but we got in a kinda arguement not really b ut my stomach issues is driving me crazy hes like itsnot right that everything makes u sick that ur in so much main and that u cant eat it means soemthing is srsly wrong im like theres nuttin they can do for it thers no cure for itjust meds to help but tis alwasy gonna b there but he thinks its more serious thenw hat the doc says it is

hes like u dont c urself try to eatur make werid faces its painful its like theres sometihng wrong with the food well if thats how i atei guess that explains y some1 came up to b 3 times last nite asking if i was aight if the food was aight the first was the manager after she took my side salad away i only at a few bites of it manly cause me adn lettuce dont get alone but she came up and asked if everything was aight if there was sometihng wrong with it i said no and then waitress came up 2 times wheni was trying toeat my plain grilled chicken and fries

like iu nderstand they are doing their job but y do they have to bug me yeshi have aneating disorder yes i have stomach issues but is it really their place to comment on it not everyone eats everything that is on their plate

but if wha the boy said is true i guess they were thinking that osemthing was wrong withmy food

i cant eat nemore not cause of my eating disorder well tahts alwasy there but i cant eat cause i just phycailly cant i feel so sick and in such much painits horrid
i ate a few ofmy leftover fries this morning cold of course cuse i hate walking downstairs with food and every bite ijust wanted to throw it back up an dnot on purpose its like my body wanted it out too

what is wrong with me do ihave osmethingmore serious then IBS did i fuck up my body so much that i just cant eat nemore like wtf if im still sick hes not gonna wanna spend time with me we arent gonna b able to go onvacation he said that we shoudlnt go out ot eat nemore since theres nuttini can eat which cuts our tiem together in half cause he would prob go out with hes friends and then come over whenever i miss him enough as it is

5/6/11

103 lbs 103 lbs i know im not suppose to b weighing but i did and im donw to 103 lbs now i just have to keep it there and go lower and not fuck it up like i normally do

lets c what idid at my lowest weights

when i was around 80lbs i tihnk it was high 80's dont remember but i was eating one meal a deay witha bowl of ice cream running at least 8 miles a day. jump roping, tumbling, adn crucnhes and i was also dependent on alcohol

when i waas 94 lbs or 93 idk some where around there i was eating no more then 500 cals a day i was exericsing as much as my tired body coudl handle and i also completely stopped eating and nearly landed my self in the hospital

i have had many close hospital calls lately the boy says hes gonna take me all the time but then he realizes that they cant do nething fo rme neway and that he doesnt wanna c me in a hospital bed

when i was in the 80's it was great iloved it then i recoverd semi after that and kept my weight around 110ish for a good 4 years then i relpased bad cue the 93 lbs and almost dying and alomst hopsitalization ive been bouncing between 93 lbs and 110 lbs for nearly 3 years now i wont let myself get back to my high weight off 115 lbs it just wont happen

i wanna b 95 lbs again so bad

i cant resort back to my lowest weight plan cause i cant run nemore fucked up right knee and right ankle and i cant have ice cream cuase i am now lactose intolerant

i cant do the 93 lbs plan cause they boy would literally kill me if i stopped eating again he wouldnt hestitate at dragging me to the hosital

so ig uess i need a new plan but i can use my health to my advantage since i am now lactose intolerant i cant have ne caffeien cause ofmy heart and high blood pressure and i also have IBS which serverly reistrtics what i can eat

i wind up in pain everytime i eat but somtimes its worse i know what makes my IBS act up i know what makes me sick but somtimes i still eat it cuase i promised the oby i would try and i feel guilty cause alli wanna do is just not eat so i eat more to counteract it i know stupid decision but im done with that

i havent eaten yet today im still extremly naouses from my pill issue last nite but im feeling ok slept liek 3 hours no more headache or shakiness just nasouses and my legs hurt like hell from dehyradtion im drinking some ginger ale right now to settle my stomach also had cup of peppermint tea, a capri sun, lil water, and lipton cup of soup packet(nope i dont consider that food)

i never acutally finished cleaning my cloest i just trew everything back in there and let it be me and my sis might go out soon to get ma something for mothers day
i will post a pic of my outfit that i will wear tonite either tonite or tomm
love u all

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americaneaglelove-thanx hun im ok i knew i would react badly but i took them neway i swear i love paini dont get it im kinda failing the hole not weighiing thing but at least im not doing it everyday right now

thin_thighs-im ok hun nuttin is gonnahappen to me trust me

bones-thanx hun im ok hope ur feeling well too yeah not weighing is so hard

darkfairy6-im feeling better still nasoues though

aly-sorry that they took ur scale away hun thats not fun howlong have u been in recovery?

danea-imfailing the not weighing thing ha i try but its hard ive beent old to get anew doc for awhle nowi just havent done it

mich-scales just drive me completely crazy iplan out my days adn thing alwasy come out and set me off course it drives me crazy i avoid the doc at all possivle cost i hate it so much

dietcokeplease-wow 6 days thats graet proud of u

unbeaitufl- 2 weeks in impressive

scaredblogger-love u too how u doing hun?

sarah-im glad u understand what i mean bout babysitting since there were lill it really is a great accomplishment

5/5/11

"Crawling in my skin These wounds, they will not heal Fear is how I fall Confusing what is real There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface Consuming, confusing This lack of self control I fear is never ending Controlling I can't seem To find myself again My walls are closing in (Without a sense of confidence I’m convinced that there’s just too much pressure to take) I've felt this way before So insecure" - Linkin Park

i am such an idiot y do i do this to myself y take pills that i know will react badly with my cholestrol meds and make me feel like shit i took 1 stacker 3 and 2 diuretics over an hour ago i knew they dont reaact well with the other meds im on but i do it neway now im shaking like a leaf im so cold i cant get warm im dizzy i cant concentrate i think ima puke i get up all the time to go to the bathroom thinking its gonna come up it doesnt ive been trying to get caught up on ur blogs for over an hour i had to keep layiing down cause i got to dizzy i really am an idiot like y do i do this to myself

ive also started to clean my clest i currently have half my clothes on my bed waiting to get hung but i cant do it cause everytime i stand up i feel like ima just fall over my hands are shaking so bad i can barely type this srsly no more pills i gotta stop that no more pills no more if i keep telling myself that then mayb i will acutally stop

i ate way to much today and nuttin healthy at all i had the kids today all 3 of them and all i ate all day with them was junk they kept sharing their food food that i nrormally dont eat or havent eaten in a long time but i would do nehting for them but i feel like such a fat ass

i didnt weight today since im not supoose to b weighing for a month i might just hide my scale in my closet for im not tempted to step on it every moring

i weight yesterday though 106.8
ok i gotta lay down again

5/3/11

so ive decided to to sometihng kinda crazy and insane and idk ifi can do it but ima try
so ive decided that im not gonna weigh myself at all this month i weighed myself this month and im not gonna weight myself again til im at the doc office in june then i will know my weight i have to go to 2 docs in june my normal one to c how my cholestrol meds are working and to hopefully get meds for my ibs and then the gyno fo rmyyearly check up and hopefully get new pills casue ive been onthe same one for years and now imjust in so much pain when ihave it and its so much heavier i need a new pill

so im 5'5 my weight this moring was 107.6 which brings my BMI to 17.9
ew im above anorexic bmi that has to change so i guess in amonth i will c where my weight is

5/2/11

so i had this hole lists of things that i have to do and i was hoping that i woiuld get most but hopeuflly all done today since it was my day off yeah that didnt go as pallned i try to plan out my days off for my head doesnt go crazy palnning keeps my calm but it never seems to work out that way

but todays plans changed and i really didnt mind my mom called me while i was at shoprtie asking if i was gonna b home soon cause my cousin called and asked us to watch P after she got out of preschool and i never turn that offer down it was just here not her 2 brothers as well it was like the good old days i remember when it was just here ive been watching her since a few months after she was born it so funt o watch them grow up and to know that u had a hand in molding them into the person they are now.

she totally tired me out today like im exhasted and beat and i have no idea how many times i ran around the yard it was nuts. we went on a walk, drew with sidwalk chalked, played tag adn hide and seek did gymnastics climbed up the lady and down the slide more times then i can count like i was constanly running around for pretty much the hole 6 and half hours that i had her too we did take a 30 min break to watch spongebob i hate that show but fuck if it gets her to sit down for a lil then im all for it cuase i was beat and i ate way more then i wanted too just to have enough energy to run after her

just one game she wanted to play was this. ok c we have my old car my subby in the yard it doesnt work nemore me my bro and sid beat that thing to hell it doesnt turn on at all so we ahve that and then my bro parked hes car right in front of it so there was this lil space between the fron of subby and back of bros car were u could jumg between them like over teh bumbers so this is what munchin would do we would start out by the slide run to the cars jump over the bumpers or climb in her place then run around the sheds go up the old play house ladder then down the slide adn repeat and then repeat repeat repeat i was getting so dizzy doing that i dont know how many times we did that but yeah it was ok ih ad tons of fun with her i have all 3 of them on tursday that will b extra tiring but so worth it

so this is the list of things i wanted to try and accomplish today:
*clean out food bin
*gym
*tan
*shoprite
*shower
*laundry-jeans, hamper and sheets
*watch black swan
*pain nails
*crunches and stretching
*relax and read
*fix my microsoft word
*look for jobs
*apply for jobs

this is what i got done today:
*gym-65 mins elly level 5- 442 cals burnt
*tan- 8 minutes stand up
*shoprite- 4 mangos, unsweetend alond milk, 3 boxes lipton cup of soup chicken noodle flavor, peppermint tea, 2 boxes speical k(orignal and honey and oats), mini canned no salt added veggies(2 peas and corns)
*shower
*laundry- jeans and hamper butof course its not folded yet

tomm i plan to work well i dont plan tooi h ave too i dont have a choice form 10-5 then def fold my laundry and watch new OTH idk when i will get to the rest of my list but i will get i done eveutnally

im scarede to admit all i ate today cause u guys will think im a fat pig but here it goes
*protein shake- banana, cup almond milk, 3 scoops soy protein powder
*5 handful jelly beans
*2 bites turkey sandwhich with cheese on white bread- munchin shared killed my stomach
*2 sips cookies and cream milkshare- she shared again also hurt tummy
*5 bites choc chip cookie- once again shared and my tummy didnt like it
*half and airhead and 2 shared mini gummie hamburgers- munchin shared again
*ice cream-shared with her really killed my stomach wanted to puke
*handful mini m&ms-shared with munch my tumy really hated me today
*chips shared once again
*2 pieces garlic texas toast-my own stupid decision
*fries with bbq sauce- i know i suck


i think thats all i ate today im trying to remmber ugh i really do suck im never gonna get skinny enough and nmy docwill never give me meds for my ibs and iwill never get help fuck me

o and im sick again my voice is finally all the way back but now i have a head cold and a earache and my chest hurts from time to time i coudlnt get mty heart to calm down today got my body is a wreck

o and one more thing my corworkers are dirivng me nuts always on my case about my eating asking what i can eat since i have alot of issues with that or commetning on my eating ro saying how lil i am im not lil im not ksinny or tiny they are just fucked up one girl acutally said to another girl u know she doesnt acutally eat just just picks are her food and moves it around she doesnt eat

like ugh enough is wnough already and they they were talking about how i dont look 25 and they arel ike just look at her like really look she looks like hes 15 im guess that was about my weight ugh im tired of it all
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dark6_fairy, danea andbones- thank u guys o much for the comment on my outfit it means alot

bones-thanx i love the wall as well its the first thing i c when i walk into my room ppl are always gettin gon my case it drives me nuts i guestion everythng though so its hard

aly- ilove the twilight saga and ive always loved kstew as an actress as well since teh beginning

sarah- i try to get better but i end up just getting sick again neway

anonymous-i kinow the weather really does help my mood as well i have to buy summmer clohtes that i acutally feel comfortabel in

just jessica-the world is always on my case and alwasy getting me down nuttin new there

unbeautiful-i cant ask for help trust me i have tired int he past and failed miserablly cause i cant ge teh help i need insurance doesnt cover it or they wont help unless ive been hospitalized so whatsthe point

little jo- my doc is alwasy an ass

despree-nope no wehre to go for help so i will just deal live in my own torutred hell of a world that my head controls and drives me fucking crazy o well

violet- i think ive just given up on caring nemore i will just have to hit rock bottom again even though it nearly killed me last time but i guess ihave to do t again

kitkat-thanx hun for always being there fo rme

danea-i know i gotta start thinking about me and focusing on me not everyone else

mich- i do the same thng i will want help i will want it s bad but when its time for a check up i will water load and lie my way thru it when im sick i dont go god me adn u arej ust fucked up majorily when it comes to docs u kjnow that right ha i just laugh at it sometimes