Monday, May 9, 2011


so am i a bad person for thinking this my mom toldme this morning that my sis wants to t the special k diet and i immediatily though i cant let her b smaller then me im like 103 now shes prob around 115-120ish and hes an inch shorter then me

i need to lose more weight i cant let her lose more then me i kow i shoudlnt b thinking like that but its the first thing that stuck in my head and she got the good special k too the chocolate delight one thats my fav but due to my dairy allergy i cant have it nemore

ive been ahving problem with my kidneys as well for the past 3 days they have just hurt so bad i cant lay down casue of the pain i cant lean against nething even the lsighest pressure jsut kills me idk y though idk y they are hurting

i have off of work today i did manage to make it to the gym this mornng i did 65 mins on elly and burnt 438 cals it was hard to push myself thru it cause it was hard to breathe an dmy chest hurt an dmy legs weree just fighting me the hole way but i went slower so i didnt burn as much as i wanted but hey at least i still burnt something

ive had a headache for days i take 3 aleve it goes away for awhile and then it just comes back and my chest pains are back o just lovely

but me and my sis might go c water for elephants today so if we do u know i will blog about it later casue i cant wait to c that movie

i went to the grocery store yesterday got 6 apples, bunch of small bananas, 6 cans diet ginger ale, tostitos and salsa(i was in the mood for something crunchy) and theni was bad and walk by the prepackaged food section well it was hot food but the store prepackages more and sets it aside for u to buy so stupid me got some fries and jalapona poppers shoudlnt of got the poppers since they have dairy in them and now im once again nasouses again

i should know better then to eat dairy sicne i cant have it it makes me nasouses if i eat to much i puke or sometimes i get diaharra but i ate it nemore it did make me go tot he bathroom which i havent been in a few dasy gotta love IBS u can go days runnign to the bathroom 3-4 times a day living off of peptop jsut to make it thru the day and then bam ur on the other end of the spectrum and u just cant go for days and ur so uncomfortalbe and gross and fat and just ew

im planning on sometime this week cleaning out my closet and donating the clothes i dont wear nemore i do that at least once a year it makes me feel good and better about myself and knowing that im helping some1 else i love it iput it in the bins that they have at the grocery store

and ive also realzed that i crash on sundays now it seems i can go all week with barely ne sleep cause thats just how my insomnia works but by the time sunday comes and im exhausted from my week of working so much and runnign around and exercising and reistrciting or binging im just fucking dead i amke it thru my 7and hlaf hour work shit on sundays come home eat something and then just crash i dont sleep thru the nite i still wake up many times but i get more sleep then i do all week and then the cycle starts again ugh gotta love it


aly-yeah i wanna yell so many times i want ppl to just understand but i know theywill never fully understand cause u cant understand until u have it urself and i woudlnt wish this on my worst enemy

mich-yes i would do nething too to have that innocnece back

starving for perfection-only 2 ppl in my life know bout my ed i cant have more ppl knwing the one person just leaves me b the other in the boy and it kills me to c me like this

unbeautiful-yes it was very scary and the boy was with me too an di had to tell me and it scared him too he told me to not take it again im glad ur allergies are a lil better

americaneaglelove- u can rant all u want hun trust me on that and they are already suspicious as it is so yelling would of made it even worse

bones-yes we cant help what we have its a mental disorder that we just have ti live with with no cure or nuttin its just who we are


  1. i dont think you are a bad person for thinking what you thought. i do the same thing sometimes i know i feel guilty(you probably do too) but dont its just one of those habits that are irritating.

    as foryou kidneys ahve you thought you might have kidney stones? those are very pain full i havent them but i know people who have and what you describing kind of sounds like them.

    i hate it when you eat something you know you shouldnt and then you get sick it truly sucks.

    i really want to see that movie so if you write about it i am definatly going to read it! haha

    thats a really good idea the donating clothes thing..i think i might try it.
    anyways stay strong you can do it!(:
    <3 brittney xoxo

  2. I do the same - if i know a friend wants to diet i always try to put them off it.

    Well done for carrying on at the gym, every little bit will help you. Hope your kidneys get sorted.

    You'll love water for elephants - i saw it with my mum yesterday :)

    Hang in there x x

  3. sounds like everything very hectic in your life at the moment...i know what you mean about competition....i dont have a sis but i have the same thing with my cuz....

    i hope you stop feeling all this pain sweetie...maybe you should see the doc..

  4. Hey, been so long since I commented huh...I'm so sorry that I don't comment anymore I feel so rotten for it. Please don't hate me hun...
    I don't think it is wrong of you at all to think the way you did, it's not your fault one bit. It happens. I assume we all think that sort of thought don't we. We all want to be the smallest; smaller than anyone we meet or pass on the street. I hope you will be okay with all your pains. They sound so awful! Take care of yourself okay hun?

  5. Don't worry about feeling bad. We all are guilty of that. Even for people who don't have EDs. No one likes it when people are smarter, faster, prettier, skinnier than them. It's human nature. Hope your stomach is doing better! Now that my semester is over I definitely have more time to talk if you need to!

  6. Get the kidney thing checked out, perhaps? I know how much we hate the doctors, but you kind of need your kidneys...
    Hope you're feeling better. <3