Thursday, May 6, 2010


do u ever feel like ur never gonna b good enough like ever? i get like that all the time like im never gonna b good enough to have friends casue aka i dont have ne i just lost 2 of them acutally. i feel like im never gonna b good enough for my boyfriend even though he tells me he loves me regardless. im never ever gonna b good enough for nething im always gonna b this fat worthless shell of a person.

so the 2 friends i lost were my ana friends that i meet online one i acutally meet in person and u would think that they would understand my struggles and my ed and just everything. well fuck was i wrong. c with me i refer to ana as a person casue to me she is a person she has been with me forever and idk who i am with out her. well these 2 friends that i lose said that im to stubborn and that i never listen to a word they say and that im killing myself. its like fuck u dont htink i know that im dieing that everyday i get closer to death fuck i know this and they should know it too but no since they are ont he recovery road well sorta one keeps going back and worth between recovery and ana. they think that i should recover as well that just cause they are i should but i cant i dont want to and i wont ppl cant force me to do nething thats not how i work cause if im forced i will rebel treatment wont work unless im ready for it unless i do it on my own and im not ready at all. fo rme i have to hit rock bottom first and i have to hit it hard b4 i can even think about getting better. adn they said that they cant support me killingmyself so we arent friends nemore

so far today:
* 2 small choc ship cookies
*blueberry yogurt
* apple slices with lil caramel
* few sour patch kids

* 65 min on tready random hill workout level 13(i think) speed 3.0- 338 cals burned
* 35 min elly hill workout(cascades)- 253 cals burned

plan for the rest of the day:
* bag of frozen veggies(what kind dk yet

* 2 60 cals yogurts
* mango

gotta work form 3-8 today so i will burn even more cals cause im always running aorund like a crazy person then i should do crunches at some point today

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