question for u guys an d b honest here please i already know how i feel but what if u had an oppurtunity to get help to b hopsitlaized and get all the help u need but it went against what u believe in how u feel and just the person that u are would u still do it?
my answer to that is no yes i know im stubborn and im playing with my life here i know that i know my health is bad i know my stomach is a complete disaster but i just cant go against how i think no matter what.
if i did go against what i think i would have to b catorgiazed as disabled that means going on disablilty and not working to accept the fact that im crazy enough and not strong enough or stable enough to work. but in all hoineslty i work now yeah its hard to function on some days but i stillw ork i go in when im suppose to go in i do the best i cant and i make it threw my day so y should i admit to everyone that im not capable of working just to get help. i wont do it im not knocking neone who has done it or is thinking about it buti ts just not who i am its just not
i could also go about getting medicaid as well but that also involves making alot less money and also b classified as disabeled again not me and then thers also charity care im not a charity case imnot helpless i can take care of myself
yes i have a disease iknow that a deadly disease but imnot some1 charity case for them to look down one me and pity me fotr my shortcomings yes imnot rich i work very hard just to sruvive and i get pride in that
i cant just drop everything to check myself into a hsoital or residental i know there are ppl wo have quit their jobs, dropped out of school, cancalled shit just to do that but its just not the way i am ijust cant walk away from everything that i worked hard far im not gonna cancel my credit cards while they arent paid off that will fucking kill my credit i have a brand new car car insurance and a job granted its not the best job in the world but i cant just drop everything walk away from everything fro this disease its like me saying ha u one eating disorder i give up u when i will go get help but throw away everything that i worked for not happeneing
u guys can call me crazy u can not support me call me stupid for this but its just how i believe
i will b ok on my own yes im not stable i know that i knwo imlsoing my mind that my ed is getting worse and that i cant fight it on my own but iw ill not let other ppl pay for my treatment iw ill get a good job i will get better insurance and i will pay for it myself.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
7/29/11
i scared him last nite stupid me feel asleep and my phone was on vibrate didnt here it he freaked out got scared and walked down to my house my dad let him in i didnt mean to scare him i really didnt
he thought something happened to me cause i wasnt answering he thought it was soemthing bad he said he was happy i was sleeping but i have to have my phone on teh loudest setting for he can get in touch of me
he said what if u got in accident? what if soemthing happened? what if i(he) was far away and coudlnt get in touch with me
i feel bad for scaring him so much
im still a manaic mess idk what to think or what to do i cant wrap my head around nething i feel like im crawling out of my skin i feel myself gettign fatter and fatter and all i want i smy pills back and my scale i wanna cut to make it all stop what do i do how do i beat this on my own how do i not throw away everything i love im so confused
he thought something happened to me cause i wasnt answering he thought it was soemthing bad he said he was happy i was sleeping but i have to have my phone on teh loudest setting for he can get in touch of me
he said what if u got in accident? what if soemthing happened? what if i(he) was far away and coudlnt get in touch with me
i feel bad for scaring him so much
im still a manaic mess idk what to think or what to do i cant wrap my head around nething i feel like im crawling out of my skin i feel myself gettign fatter and fatter and all i want i smy pills back and my scale i wanna cut to make it all stop what do i do how do i beat this on my own how do i not throw away everything i love im so confused
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
rock bottom
i hopei really do hope that none u ever have to hit rock bottom to know what it feels like to know that if u dont change ur gonna lose everything the one person that cares that ur crying so hard u cant breathe and u cant stop the pain the pain from ur heart breaking the pain cause ur hyeprventialting and cant get enough air into ur lungs and the scariness of it all to have ur heart beating for fast out of fear and confusiong to have ur head so jumbled up that u cant even think a clear thoguth none the less say it to not even comprehend what is being said to u i hope htat u guys never have to go thru that i dont want ne of my friends going thru that
im sorry that i have been gone for so long ive been a maniac mental case for over a week ive wanted to write i have i just havent had a clear thought in my head that hole time i couldnt make sense of nething nuttin at alll
the only reason y im here now is cause ij ust almost lost the one person i love who loves me my reason for breathing and everything i almost lost htim cause of this disease cuase im crazy cause i cut i almost lost everything and it was the scareist thing ever then throwing all my shit away was right there
he gave me one chance one chance to turn all this around one fuck up one and hes walking away cause he cant deal withi tnemore
he knows i cut now and i didnt tell him i know i should of told him a long time ago but how do u tell some1 that we were out witho ut one freind my bracelets rode up he saw and asked me what was that i just said marks and when we said down to eat he wanted to c my arm he said those arent marks but hes friend was there then at the mall he saw it again hes like ur willing to risk everything to cut ur skin open all i said what it numbs everything but hes friend was still with us so he said we would talk about it later and we did inmy car parked behind hes house while he decided if he wanted to get out of the car and walk away forever or walk out of the car and come back
it was so hard to try and explain what is goingon in my head and idk if i can go thru everything cause im still weak im still nasoues my chest still hurts an di keep playing everything back in my head in a loop and trust me its not a fun thing
he fianlly realized how much i have lost it how crazy i really am how unstable i am he didnt know how he didnt realize it b4 but he realized it know and he told me i need help he cant help me nemore ineed to b in the hospital i need to get better cause he wasnt gonna b with soem1 that was killing themselves that i would do something so stupid as to cut myself and risk losing him how i could scar up my beautiful self for that everything is a mess
he said that what ifi hit a vein what if i took myself away from him that he needs me as much as i need him thats y he hasnt walked away yet i told him i wasnt trying to kill myself hes like but thats what the voices were saying i hate myself i hate everything about myself and try explaing that i couldnt i coudlnt explain y i hate myself cuase idk i just cant look in the mirror i just cant and he coudlnt understand that he just coudlnt hes like u have nuttin to hate urself for u have me u have abrand new car yes u work retail right now butu will find better and dont call urself not smart u have alot more then even my friends do u have no reason to b sad for urself
he said that he thought the new car would help that he thought it would pick me up a lil and in all honesty it did ir really did and then my neighbor killed himself and i got fucked up he realized that i cant handle life im just one of those persons who cant handle life im not strong enough for it buti have to b stronger ijust have too
he said my parents love me they just dont know how to show it but they would miss me if i wasnt here i told him im the only reason y im still here is him an dhe didnt like that cause it meant i thought about it more then he thought i did but i dont wanna die im scared out of my fucking mind
idk alot more stuff was sadi but we diecded that i cant get help now that all really the hospital will do is help my body get healthier but not my head that wheni get some better insurance i will get help but for now i have to do it myself cause really i would b int eh shoital for months and i cant afford that not with my bills im 25 i have bills that need to b paid icant just neglect that to check myself in
i cant fuck up nemore not nemore not even one bit he made me take off my bracelets and he just stared at me hes like how much does it bleed and i coudlnt answer that i asked him how did i look cause i cant c it he didnt get how i couldnt c it but he said to him im perfect i dont need to change nething yeah i coudl gain a few lbs casue my legs and arms are really tiny an dmy bones are out alot butim perfect to him i wish i could c what everyone else sees and i do get glimpses soemtimes u know when ur head gives u a break for a 2nd and u c and u get one of those omfg moments were u cant believe that ur doing this to urself yeah those moments and it doesnt help that hes one friend has been sayign stuff how how he thought i didnt eat but hes gonna talk to him about it he said he woudlnt c me ne different he would still c me the same way but he needs to know for he will stop the comments
i just cant beleive how unstable i really am and i said that to him how do u tell ur boyfriend that ur losing ur mind hes like idk but u really are ur worse then i though u were but he doesnt think im biopolar idk what to say nemore im trying so hard to explain this to u guys but im stilla jumbled mess
but at the end he yelled at me and he never yells at me never he doesnt like to do it in th e8 years we have been together he has never yelled at me yeah weve had our issues but he has never yelled but he yelled and he had to repeat it in a calm voice after cause i was hyperventialting to much to get it all but this is my last chance if he sees one more fresh cut hes out, if i look too bad hes out if i stop eating hes out its basically a forced recovery with out the help of medical attetnion hes said he was gonna go in the house but come back i lost it right there it hurt so bad i coudlnt breathe he had to calm me down he had to keep saying that he was gonna come back cause the hole talk i just kept saying ur gonna leave and im never gonna c u again thats all my mind could process at that time and he asked if he walked out of this car right now and never came back what wold happen and i said i would lose it i woudlnt kill myself not on purpose at least. he said he cant have that on him he would blame himself even though i kept saying none of it was hes fault and none of it was i never blamed him for ne of it and i never will its all me its all on me he was fighting was hard to stay with me or to give up on me i hurt him so much i did and i hate myself even more for it but in the end he decided to stay with me but i had to go upstairs get all myself and throw it out he woudl wait in the car
u know how hard that was i had to throw out myscale my tape measure my razors and all my pills an di had to explain the pills cause he didnt know i had them i found like 10 razors scattered in my i had to 2 half filled bottles of different green tea pills hald a bottle of diuretcis like 3 hard core diet pills and a hit ton of just empty bottle and i had to throw them all out i had to put them in a bag and he drove me to a dumpster and i had to put them in there and i cant get them nemore if i do he will leave me he let me keep my fiber pills though cuase he knows i need them for my stomach cause thats all fucked up and i told him i keptm y books he didnt know what books buti told him the memiors and stuff hes like those wont trigger u i said know i just like reading how other ppl suffer to knwo that im not alone he said i coudl keep them but couldnt buy nemore of them
i really did scare him though cause he never saw me that bad i coudlnt sit still at all i had to keep moving my head was going amile a minute i kepts scaratching msyelf casue i was crawling out o fmy skin hes like please calm down ur scaring me here ur making me nervous im here im not going newhere ur gonna b ok it hurt so bad everything hurt and hes sitting there rubbign my chest for me saying i cant beleive i fucked my body up this much but i had to promise him that whenever things got to bad i had to come to him i had to talk to him b4 i did nething stupid i have to get on a scahduel eating sleeping exercise
i told him i didnt know how ot eat and that confused him even more cause idk how to eat lidk what is nomral what to eat at breakfast and lunch adn dinner hehs like 2000 cals a day and i freaked otuicant do that ijust cant he sliek if u cant do that no1 is gonna help u but he realized after awhile that ppl would help me if ihad teh insurancea dn the money to pay for it
sorry if im not making ne sense cause im sure im not but i have to get ready for worknow he doesn tknow how i work when my head si so bad but u do what u ahve to do and we are now taking it one day at a time but if i can get myself ok at least stable we can have a great life together its jsut all so scary
im sorry that i have been gone for so long ive been a maniac mental case for over a week ive wanted to write i have i just havent had a clear thought in my head that hole time i couldnt make sense of nething nuttin at alll
the only reason y im here now is cause ij ust almost lost the one person i love who loves me my reason for breathing and everything i almost lost htim cause of this disease cuase im crazy cause i cut i almost lost everything and it was the scareist thing ever then throwing all my shit away was right there
he gave me one chance one chance to turn all this around one fuck up one and hes walking away cause he cant deal withi tnemore
he knows i cut now and i didnt tell him i know i should of told him a long time ago but how do u tell some1 that we were out witho ut one freind my bracelets rode up he saw and asked me what was that i just said marks and when we said down to eat he wanted to c my arm he said those arent marks but hes friend was there then at the mall he saw it again hes like ur willing to risk everything to cut ur skin open all i said what it numbs everything but hes friend was still with us so he said we would talk about it later and we did inmy car parked behind hes house while he decided if he wanted to get out of the car and walk away forever or walk out of the car and come back
it was so hard to try and explain what is goingon in my head and idk if i can go thru everything cause im still weak im still nasoues my chest still hurts an di keep playing everything back in my head in a loop and trust me its not a fun thing
he fianlly realized how much i have lost it how crazy i really am how unstable i am he didnt know how he didnt realize it b4 but he realized it know and he told me i need help he cant help me nemore ineed to b in the hospital i need to get better cause he wasnt gonna b with soem1 that was killing themselves that i would do something so stupid as to cut myself and risk losing him how i could scar up my beautiful self for that everything is a mess
he said that what ifi hit a vein what if i took myself away from him that he needs me as much as i need him thats y he hasnt walked away yet i told him i wasnt trying to kill myself hes like but thats what the voices were saying i hate myself i hate everything about myself and try explaing that i couldnt i coudlnt explain y i hate myself cuase idk i just cant look in the mirror i just cant and he coudlnt understand that he just coudlnt hes like u have nuttin to hate urself for u have me u have abrand new car yes u work retail right now butu will find better and dont call urself not smart u have alot more then even my friends do u have no reason to b sad for urself
he said that he thought the new car would help that he thought it would pick me up a lil and in all honesty it did ir really did and then my neighbor killed himself and i got fucked up he realized that i cant handle life im just one of those persons who cant handle life im not strong enough for it buti have to b stronger ijust have too
he said my parents love me they just dont know how to show it but they would miss me if i wasnt here i told him im the only reason y im still here is him an dhe didnt like that cause it meant i thought about it more then he thought i did but i dont wanna die im scared out of my fucking mind
idk alot more stuff was sadi but we diecded that i cant get help now that all really the hospital will do is help my body get healthier but not my head that wheni get some better insurance i will get help but for now i have to do it myself cause really i would b int eh shoital for months and i cant afford that not with my bills im 25 i have bills that need to b paid icant just neglect that to check myself in
i cant fuck up nemore not nemore not even one bit he made me take off my bracelets and he just stared at me hes like how much does it bleed and i coudlnt answer that i asked him how did i look cause i cant c it he didnt get how i couldnt c it but he said to him im perfect i dont need to change nething yeah i coudl gain a few lbs casue my legs and arms are really tiny an dmy bones are out alot butim perfect to him i wish i could c what everyone else sees and i do get glimpses soemtimes u know when ur head gives u a break for a 2nd and u c and u get one of those omfg moments were u cant believe that ur doing this to urself yeah those moments and it doesnt help that hes one friend has been sayign stuff how how he thought i didnt eat but hes gonna talk to him about it he said he woudlnt c me ne different he would still c me the same way but he needs to know for he will stop the comments
i just cant beleive how unstable i really am and i said that to him how do u tell ur boyfriend that ur losing ur mind hes like idk but u really are ur worse then i though u were but he doesnt think im biopolar idk what to say nemore im trying so hard to explain this to u guys but im stilla jumbled mess
but at the end he yelled at me and he never yells at me never he doesnt like to do it in th e8 years we have been together he has never yelled at me yeah weve had our issues but he has never yelled but he yelled and he had to repeat it in a calm voice after cause i was hyperventialting to much to get it all but this is my last chance if he sees one more fresh cut hes out, if i look too bad hes out if i stop eating hes out its basically a forced recovery with out the help of medical attetnion hes said he was gonna go in the house but come back i lost it right there it hurt so bad i coudlnt breathe he had to calm me down he had to keep saying that he was gonna come back cause the hole talk i just kept saying ur gonna leave and im never gonna c u again thats all my mind could process at that time and he asked if he walked out of this car right now and never came back what wold happen and i said i would lose it i woudlnt kill myself not on purpose at least. he said he cant have that on him he would blame himself even though i kept saying none of it was hes fault and none of it was i never blamed him for ne of it and i never will its all me its all on me he was fighting was hard to stay with me or to give up on me i hurt him so much i did and i hate myself even more for it but in the end he decided to stay with me but i had to go upstairs get all myself and throw it out he woudl wait in the car
u know how hard that was i had to throw out myscale my tape measure my razors and all my pills an di had to explain the pills cause he didnt know i had them i found like 10 razors scattered in my i had to 2 half filled bottles of different green tea pills hald a bottle of diuretcis like 3 hard core diet pills and a hit ton of just empty bottle and i had to throw them all out i had to put them in a bag and he drove me to a dumpster and i had to put them in there and i cant get them nemore if i do he will leave me he let me keep my fiber pills though cuase he knows i need them for my stomach cause thats all fucked up and i told him i keptm y books he didnt know what books buti told him the memiors and stuff hes like those wont trigger u i said know i just like reading how other ppl suffer to knwo that im not alone he said i coudl keep them but couldnt buy nemore of them
i really did scare him though cause he never saw me that bad i coudlnt sit still at all i had to keep moving my head was going amile a minute i kepts scaratching msyelf casue i was crawling out o fmy skin hes like please calm down ur scaring me here ur making me nervous im here im not going newhere ur gonna b ok it hurt so bad everything hurt and hes sitting there rubbign my chest for me saying i cant beleive i fucked my body up this much but i had to promise him that whenever things got to bad i had to come to him i had to talk to him b4 i did nething stupid i have to get on a scahduel eating sleeping exercise
i told him i didnt know how ot eat and that confused him even more cause idk how to eat lidk what is nomral what to eat at breakfast and lunch adn dinner hehs like 2000 cals a day and i freaked otuicant do that ijust cant he sliek if u cant do that no1 is gonna help u but he realized after awhile that ppl would help me if ihad teh insurancea dn the money to pay for it
sorry if im not making ne sense cause im sure im not but i have to get ready for worknow he doesn tknow how i work when my head si so bad but u do what u ahve to do and we are now taking it one day at a time but if i can get myself ok at least stable we can have a great life together its jsut all so scary
Sunday, July 17, 2011
7/17/11
fridays outfit
we just went to texa roadhouse on friday i just got the country veg plate u get to pick 4 sides so yeah might b awerid combo but igot apple saugh, fries, seasond rice, and seasonal veggies. theonly thingi ate all of was teh fries ha. the rice portion was like overflowing out of the cup but i like it i can just nibble at 4 differentt hings and it keeps teh boy happy o yeah and also worked 10-7 that day crazy i know
saturdays outift
so i had off of work on saturday i know its a miracle so i cleaned my car hour and 45mins later yup i do it all washi t dry it windows tires but app i didnt do it good enough caus ei missed spots and the boy pointedit out i cant help it it was hot as hell out and it dried to quickly an di cant reach the middle of the roof try to do better next time. i relaxed alil and then went tot he gym first time in like 2 weeks but i did 65mins on elly and burnt 470 cals my legs are hurting today thats what i get for not going for awhile but work got in the way.
we went mini golfing at nite and of course i camin last what else is new but im alwasy offiical score keeper but i dont cheat im a very fair person :) and then we went to applebees after for half price appetizers my tummy didnt like me for that but we did was insidious after i dont get that movie i made it all the way to the end when the dad like astroprojected then i gave in to tmy droopy eyes and slept ali but really id ont get the movie whats so scary bout iti didnt jump or neting i just dont get it mayb someone can explain it to me ugh
so my uncle txte dmy yestertday about the job hes been trying to get me for nearly a year now well not a year mayb 6 months but whatever im just aobut ot giv eup hope cause if he hasnt been able to get me in yet then whats teh point but he txted me said some1 in th billing dept got fired and he reminded his boss about me i just nee da jobout of retail i will wait this week out ifi dont hear nething i will apply to more jobs i here hunterdon medical center is hiring so i will apply there yeahits a lil bit of a drive for me but theres nuttin around me so what am i gonna do
we planned out 2 days of boys vacation hes off for a week again the last week of july so i took 2 days off one day we are going to hersehy we arent trying to get all our friends to go well hes friends mine by default but u know and then the other day its me and him day gonna go to the one bigger mall he wants to look around since our mall sucks and this one is like 3 stories it will prob b crowded and i will go nuts but when i withhimits ok
my eating idk what to think about it nemore i really dont its just all over th eplace and i jsut dk i wanna lose some weigth by thetime we go to the park im 106 lbs right now so i need to lose soemthing at least cause ijust hate that number
on a sad note my neighboy well across the street neighbor hung himself on friday u know how hard it is to walk out the my hose to c hes truck sitting there to look at hes house and to knowu arent going to c him again he was a nice guy he would do nething for neone he had alive in girlfriend a daughter as well and a daughter in florida that he just was getting in connect witha gain he had palns to move done to florida to hes parenst house they were redoing above teh garage for him for an appt yeah him and the liv ein girlfriend we having issues but dont we all but know hes not here and we just found out he has mental issues nuttin wrong with that he stopped taking hes meds its just ugh so hard to think about and then it starts all this other questions adn doubts and my head is just going a mile a minute yeah ive htough bout suicide i willl never ever go thru with it though no matter how low my lows are i would never ever take myself away from the boyand causemy family that pain i cause them enough pain just my living and my eating disorder
so yeah i just rambled there relax time for alil then work 12-630 thers this cute dress iw ant at work and i was waiting for it to go on sale but we jsut got it and its selling quickly so the boy ssaid i should just get it for i have so today iw ll go in and c if they have my size in the color i want hopefullyt hey do if nto i will get a different color
we just went to texa roadhouse on friday i just got the country veg plate u get to pick 4 sides so yeah might b awerid combo but igot apple saugh, fries, seasond rice, and seasonal veggies. theonly thingi ate all of was teh fries ha. the rice portion was like overflowing out of the cup but i like it i can just nibble at 4 differentt hings and it keeps teh boy happy o yeah and also worked 10-7 that day crazy i know
saturdays outift
so i had off of work on saturday i know its a miracle so i cleaned my car hour and 45mins later yup i do it all washi t dry it windows tires but app i didnt do it good enough caus ei missed spots and the boy pointedit out i cant help it it was hot as hell out and it dried to quickly an di cant reach the middle of the roof try to do better next time. i relaxed alil and then went tot he gym first time in like 2 weeks but i did 65mins on elly and burnt 470 cals my legs are hurting today thats what i get for not going for awhile but work got in the way.
we went mini golfing at nite and of course i camin last what else is new but im alwasy offiical score keeper but i dont cheat im a very fair person :) and then we went to applebees after for half price appetizers my tummy didnt like me for that but we did was insidious after i dont get that movie i made it all the way to the end when the dad like astroprojected then i gave in to tmy droopy eyes and slept ali but really id ont get the movie whats so scary bout iti didnt jump or neting i just dont get it mayb someone can explain it to me ugh
so my uncle txte dmy yestertday about the job hes been trying to get me for nearly a year now well not a year mayb 6 months but whatever im just aobut ot giv eup hope cause if he hasnt been able to get me in yet then whats teh point but he txted me said some1 in th billing dept got fired and he reminded his boss about me i just nee da jobout of retail i will wait this week out ifi dont hear nething i will apply to more jobs i here hunterdon medical center is hiring so i will apply there yeahits a lil bit of a drive for me but theres nuttin around me so what am i gonna do
we planned out 2 days of boys vacation hes off for a week again the last week of july so i took 2 days off one day we are going to hersehy we arent trying to get all our friends to go well hes friends mine by default but u know and then the other day its me and him day gonna go to the one bigger mall he wants to look around since our mall sucks and this one is like 3 stories it will prob b crowded and i will go nuts but when i withhimits ok
my eating idk what to think about it nemore i really dont its just all over th eplace and i jsut dk i wanna lose some weigth by thetime we go to the park im 106 lbs right now so i need to lose soemthing at least cause ijust hate that number
on a sad note my neighboy well across the street neighbor hung himself on friday u know how hard it is to walk out the my hose to c hes truck sitting there to look at hes house and to knowu arent going to c him again he was a nice guy he would do nething for neone he had alive in girlfriend a daughter as well and a daughter in florida that he just was getting in connect witha gain he had palns to move done to florida to hes parenst house they were redoing above teh garage for him for an appt yeah him and the liv ein girlfriend we having issues but dont we all but know hes not here and we just found out he has mental issues nuttin wrong with that he stopped taking hes meds its just ugh so hard to think about and then it starts all this other questions adn doubts and my head is just going a mile a minute yeah ive htough bout suicide i willl never ever go thru with it though no matter how low my lows are i would never ever take myself away from the boyand causemy family that pain i cause them enough pain just my living and my eating disorder
so yeah i just rambled there relax time for alil then work 12-630 thers this cute dress iw ant at work and i was waiting for it to go on sale but we jsut got it and its selling quickly so the boy ssaid i should just get it for i have so today iw ll go in and c if they have my size in the color i want hopefullyt hey do if nto i will get a different color
Thursday, July 14, 2011
7/14/11
my 5 yr old couisn painted my nails for me today each of t hem is adifferent color my toes are teh same i have to clean them up a lil bit but ima keep it that way ihad a fun time with my 3 lil munchins today palying and running around and jsut being with them they really do make me forget about things
thers a good chance ima relapse i wen to put on a pair of my size 0 shorts today and the button popped off that has never hapopened to me allm y size 0 jeans fit fine even a lil big and its jsut my shorts aht dont fit but ive never been higher then i size 0 i made myself a promsie a long time ago that i would never buy higher and i will keep that promise
thers a good chance ima relapse i wen to put on a pair of my size 0 shorts today and the button popped off that has never hapopened to me allm y size 0 jeans fit fine even a lil big and its jsut my shorts aht dont fit but ive never been higher then i size 0 i made myself a promsie a long time ago that i would never buy higher and i will keep that promise
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
7/13/11
i need a life i go to work come home ihavent been to the gym in over a week cuase ijust dont have time isince im working allthe time today i work430-930 i was gonna go to the gym in the moirnng but then i realized if i do an hour of elly then go to work and b on my feet for 5 hours im more then likely gonna pass out or get really dizzy that i do pass out so yeah gonna realz b4 work and hopeuflly get my head all figured out for i can stop eating like a pig
so im back to taking clease pills it wasnt a hole bottle it was just wha ti have left since my bowels are being a bitch and not working on there own nemore an di mean not at all they are barley working with the cleanse pills i really have to get to the stomach specialsit ive been putting it off cause i dont like docs but i know i have to go i will have to research them and find one that takes my insurance and isnt too far away and then sav eup $50 for my copay ugh i hate america and there way with insruance and expensivness its fucking bullshit
sorry i really dont have much to say since all i do is work then go home i did havea few manic moments yesterday at work idk if i just got so bored since the mall is dead and u stand around pretty much doing nuttin for 9 hours that i just went crazy but i got all hyper and spazzy and idk it was werid crashed though and i was back to my depressive just trying to make it thru the day self
i need a new eating plan im eatin gwayt o much junk and food i shoudlnt being eating an dim all bloathed and huge and ew
______________________________________________________________________________-
bones-thanx hun i have off tomm but im babysitting so its not really a day off but its my cousins that i love so much so it will b ok yeah 8 years is a long time worth it though
pixiestix14- its a 2012 ford focus i love it
aly-my sotmach isnt dong better at all it sucks but i deal
black angel-thanx hun i just look at all the clohtes all day at work and just wish i wcouldown themi only get them when they are on sale
anyonous-yeah i know is a long time an diknow my cousins are insane the webiste is all down now well moslty still gotsome things to do yet
mich-lol its nice to know that person is alwasy b there for u and he now smore about me then i do so he calls me out on stuff that i dont realize im d0ing nemore. i have no idea were my meldas are nemore they are prob packed away somewhere and yeah docs are asshats arent they yeah idont have the money top go back to school ugh
americaneagle- i like forever 21 i dont go in there much manly cause thereisnt one at my mall and the closest one is liek 20 mins away so yeah ur so rigth with ur post on my story time post everything is worth fighitn gfor even if ur not sure it is but u have to fight neway just to prove urself u can do it
so im back to taking clease pills it wasnt a hole bottle it was just wha ti have left since my bowels are being a bitch and not working on there own nemore an di mean not at all they are barley working with the cleanse pills i really have to get to the stomach specialsit ive been putting it off cause i dont like docs but i know i have to go i will have to research them and find one that takes my insurance and isnt too far away and then sav eup $50 for my copay ugh i hate america and there way with insruance and expensivness its fucking bullshit
sorry i really dont have much to say since all i do is work then go home i did havea few manic moments yesterday at work idk if i just got so bored since the mall is dead and u stand around pretty much doing nuttin for 9 hours that i just went crazy but i got all hyper and spazzy and idk it was werid crashed though and i was back to my depressive just trying to make it thru the day self
i need a new eating plan im eatin gwayt o much junk and food i shoudlnt being eating an dim all bloathed and huge and ew
______________________________________________________________________________-
bones-thanx hun i have off tomm but im babysitting so its not really a day off but its my cousins that i love so much so it will b ok yeah 8 years is a long time worth it though
pixiestix14- its a 2012 ford focus i love it
aly-my sotmach isnt dong better at all it sucks but i deal
black angel-thanx hun i just look at all the clohtes all day at work and just wish i wcouldown themi only get them when they are on sale
anyonous-yeah i know is a long time an diknow my cousins are insane the webiste is all down now well moslty still gotsome things to do yet
mich-lol its nice to know that person is alwasy b there for u and he now smore about me then i do so he calls me out on stuff that i dont realize im d0ing nemore. i have no idea were my meldas are nemore they are prob packed away somewhere and yeah docs are asshats arent they yeah idont have the money top go back to school ugh
americaneagle- i like forever 21 i dont go in there much manly cause thereisnt one at my mall and the closest one is liek 20 mins away so yeah ur so rigth with ur post on my story time post everything is worth fighitn gfor even if ur not sure it is but u have to fight neway just to prove urself u can do it
Monday, July 11, 2011
pic tour of the new car
so like i promised here is the pic tour of it
front of car
side view of car
back of car(sorry cropped it a lil i didnt want license plate shwoing even though its still on temporary an di cropped out part of my street cause im being paranoid)
center console, radio/sirius center thing, and dashboard with steering wheel
view from back seat, then side views of front seats and back seats
front of car
side view of car
back of car(sorry cropped it a lil i didnt want license plate shwoing even though its still on temporary an di cropped out part of my street cause im being paranoid)
center console, radio/sirius center thing, and dashboard with steering wheel
view from back seat, then side views of front seats and back seats
Sunday, July 10, 2011
7/10/11
sorry taht i havent posted much i really didnt mean to im just working so much and it just slips my mind an di really dont have much to say since my life is spent at work ugh hate retail here is was and ismy schedule
7/7-thur-10-6pm
7/8-fri-10-5pm
7/9-sat-10-6pm
7/10-sun-12-630pm
7/11-mon-1-930pm
7/12-tues-10-7pm
7/13-wed-430-930pm
7/15-fri-10-7pm
so u seey i havent been around much ive beenat work aloti dk whats going on with my eating so day si eat so lil others i eat almost normally idk what is up with it but i havent had a bowel movemnt in days i hate how fucke dup they are and i wanna take laxs but i cant since im working somuch so ive been eatinmore dairy and food that i cant handle hoping that it will kick in and get all this shit no pun inteneded out of me im gorss and fat and huge an dbloated and so damn uncomfrtale
i do have my new car though yay u ugys are no idea how nice it is istill have to take pics of it for i cant take u guyson a pic tour of it i will do it soon i promise
ok heres the outfit i wore on date nite friday nite iwore ti to get my car and then we wernt o red robin
and here is waht i bought at work today since had an extra 10 bucks its a shurken cardie and a li gauze skirt the ban is rainbow striped just cant c on the pic
7/7-thur-10-6pm
7/8-fri-10-5pm
7/9-sat-10-6pm
7/10-sun-12-630pm
7/11-mon-1-930pm
7/12-tues-10-7pm
7/13-wed-430-930pm
7/15-fri-10-7pm
so u seey i havent been around much ive beenat work aloti dk whats going on with my eating so day si eat so lil others i eat almost normally idk what is up with it but i havent had a bowel movemnt in days i hate how fucke dup they are and i wanna take laxs but i cant since im working somuch so ive been eatinmore dairy and food that i cant handle hoping that it will kick in and get all this shit no pun inteneded out of me im gorss and fat and huge an dbloated and so damn uncomfrtale
i do have my new car though yay u ugys are no idea how nice it is istill have to take pics of it for i cant take u guyson a pic tour of it i will do it soon i promise
ok heres the outfit i wore on date nite friday nite iwore ti to get my car and then we wernt o red robin
and here is waht i bought at work today since had an extra 10 bucks its a shurken cardie and a li gauze skirt the ban is rainbow striped just cant c on the pic
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
7/6/11
so guess who is finally getting her car yes me its me and i cant b more excitedi cant wait ive been waiting nearly 2 weeks for it :) the place were the dealership got it from app sold it or soemthing idk what happend but soemthing happend i didnt ask questions but the salesmen said he waas gonna look and find me a new one that was yesterday well the boy called him cause i was at work so he told me that scott(salesman) was gonna find me another in a different color or soemthing but scott called me today he found the exact and i mean exact same car that i was oringally suppose to get fuck yes baby cause i really liked that one :) so hes getting it delivered and cleaned tomm i pick it up friday h e aksed waht time i said i work til 6 its really 5 but gives me time to shower and that me and boy would b there around 7-8ish if that was ok he said it doesnt matter he made me wait long enough for the car so he would c us friday nite so yes come friday nite i will have my car and i cant fucking wait yay yay ayay i like jumped up and down when i heard that it instantly brigthened my day u have no idea and wheni get it and have time i will post pics for u guys can c them.
so today is me and the boy 8 years anniversary yes we have been together 8 years it totally slipped my mind til i say the date on the corner of my computer screen and im like holy fuck its been 8 years we arent doing nething we normally dont celebrate csue really whats the point we know we are going to b together for awhile :) we even kinda discussed living together well not in all those words i was just complaining abou tmy mom always on mycase bout the stupidest stuff ever and he said soon u wont have to deal with her and hes liek i dont mean her dieing im like i know what u meant and i cant wait to move out of here. i get to c him twice this wkd since shit happened and he had to cancel on me last wkd so he said that he wasnt going to go out next wkd which is this wkd and we would hang out he told me tolook forward to it cause he know sim really struggle withmy eating right now i told him i didnt wanna look forward to nething just in case it doesnt work out but he said that nuttin is coming in out way this wkd.
he noticed me sturggling and he told me that i had to fight harder that im strong that ima fighter and i just have to fight it harder cause he lost so much already he cant lose me too that was after himt elling me not to do this shit again that he wasnt dealing with it and made me eat cause i didnt eat all day but then i thnk he realized that it was harsh and that he doesnt udnerstnad what i got thru but its ok we are ok and im still sturggling but im eating i went one day with out eating and he freaked so im eating i have like barely ne food cause i dont wanna go grocery shopping so what im eating is junk cause tthats all that my family has ugh its ok i thinmk ima get a bag of apples tomm i have lke $10 right now so i can get some apples
today i had off of work and instead of laying around all day like i want to i decided to b productive and clean my closest and when i say clean i mean it i really cleaned it i sitll have to color code it yet but i got to tired to do it today. i have 2 garabge bags of clothes and shoes that ima donate ima take them to one of those doantion boxes they have at like the super markets and shit and put them in there bu ti took everything out flodled it all hung what i could and putit back in and i had to move osme bins around too i didnt time myself cuase i kept taking breaks to relax and stuff but its all done now
idr if i told u about myu family picnic on the 4th ive been lacking at blogger but i are more then iwanted it i didnt wanna eat at all but as soon as i walked up yes i walking the thepark its not that far form my house and i wanted to get some exercise in well neway once i walked up they all started on how small and tiny ia m and gushing over how tiny my legs are and mom inerjects how i still go tot he gym wer i say i like the gym itkeeps me sane and blah blah blah so to stop the fucking chatter i ate more then iw anted to and it gave me a huge stomach ache ugh and it didnt help that ive barely slept in like a week and everyone kept sayng how tired i was liek fuck just leave me alone already im not that small im 103 lbs that is not small at all
i had my cousins yesterday they tired me out so much u have no idea i took the youngest one for along walk like 4 blocks or more idk we took like 2 laps trying to get him to sleep and then i palyed with all of them
the 5 yr old slept over the nite b4 since we were all at the park and iwas palying with them on thepalyground thats tring as well sicne the 19 or 20 month old likes to b thrown around yeah my arms got a workout but neway my 5 yr old asked my mom if she could sleep over since we had them the next day neway well i wasnt htere nemore so ma called me making sure it was ok sicne she was gonna sleep in my room well of ocurse i said yes i would do nething for that lil girl so she slept over we tired to catch lightening bugs outside we sould get one and then she would scream cause she didnt wanna touch it but wanted to catch them shes so funny and then we watch family guy i hate that show i dont think its right for her but there was nuttin else on at all that a 5 yr old could watch i tihnk she just liked the cartoon aspect of it all and didnt really understand it all and for once ina week i was acutally sleeping and ma kept waking meup to check on us like ma enough already i can take care of her im not uncapable of doing that i can take care of ur i do itall the time since u never do enthing neway ugh. but munchin is a lil bed hog for a tiny girl she ended up like sidways on my side of the bed i have a queen size bed u think m eand her could fit but yeah i ended up witha lil sectin she had the rest of the bed
but i was a funtime and today went well no work no babysitting duties i coudl hide in my room
working 10-5 tomm
love uguys how ur all doing well
and heres my site link again in case neone wants to join
http://darkestbeforedawn.webs.com
i acutally updated it too so in like 24-48 hours it will have its own domain name which will b darkest-before-dawn.com
oo and work is having some major good sales and i know i shoudlnt go bought nething but hey soem of the stuff was 75 percent off cant pass up that. so i got 2 tanks and a button up cardi sweater. the sweater is a light tan color. one tank as thikcers straps and ahs orange and white diagnoal strips and the other is spagetti strapped with like fringe stuff on it heres the pic of them
so today is me and the boy 8 years anniversary yes we have been together 8 years it totally slipped my mind til i say the date on the corner of my computer screen and im like holy fuck its been 8 years we arent doing nething we normally dont celebrate csue really whats the point we know we are going to b together for awhile :) we even kinda discussed living together well not in all those words i was just complaining abou tmy mom always on mycase bout the stupidest stuff ever and he said soon u wont have to deal with her and hes liek i dont mean her dieing im like i know what u meant and i cant wait to move out of here. i get to c him twice this wkd since shit happened and he had to cancel on me last wkd so he said that he wasnt going to go out next wkd which is this wkd and we would hang out he told me tolook forward to it cause he know sim really struggle withmy eating right now i told him i didnt wanna look forward to nething just in case it doesnt work out but he said that nuttin is coming in out way this wkd.
he noticed me sturggling and he told me that i had to fight harder that im strong that ima fighter and i just have to fight it harder cause he lost so much already he cant lose me too that was after himt elling me not to do this shit again that he wasnt dealing with it and made me eat cause i didnt eat all day but then i thnk he realized that it was harsh and that he doesnt udnerstnad what i got thru but its ok we are ok and im still sturggling but im eating i went one day with out eating and he freaked so im eating i have like barely ne food cause i dont wanna go grocery shopping so what im eating is junk cause tthats all that my family has ugh its ok i thinmk ima get a bag of apples tomm i have lke $10 right now so i can get some apples
today i had off of work and instead of laying around all day like i want to i decided to b productive and clean my closest and when i say clean i mean it i really cleaned it i sitll have to color code it yet but i got to tired to do it today. i have 2 garabge bags of clothes and shoes that ima donate ima take them to one of those doantion boxes they have at like the super markets and shit and put them in there bu ti took everything out flodled it all hung what i could and putit back in and i had to move osme bins around too i didnt time myself cuase i kept taking breaks to relax and stuff but its all done now
idr if i told u about myu family picnic on the 4th ive been lacking at blogger but i are more then iwanted it i didnt wanna eat at all but as soon as i walked up yes i walking the thepark its not that far form my house and i wanted to get some exercise in well neway once i walked up they all started on how small and tiny ia m and gushing over how tiny my legs are and mom inerjects how i still go tot he gym wer i say i like the gym itkeeps me sane and blah blah blah so to stop the fucking chatter i ate more then iw anted to and it gave me a huge stomach ache ugh and it didnt help that ive barely slept in like a week and everyone kept sayng how tired i was liek fuck just leave me alone already im not that small im 103 lbs that is not small at all
i had my cousins yesterday they tired me out so much u have no idea i took the youngest one for along walk like 4 blocks or more idk we took like 2 laps trying to get him to sleep and then i palyed with all of them
the 5 yr old slept over the nite b4 since we were all at the park and iwas palying with them on thepalyground thats tring as well sicne the 19 or 20 month old likes to b thrown around yeah my arms got a workout but neway my 5 yr old asked my mom if she could sleep over since we had them the next day neway well i wasnt htere nemore so ma called me making sure it was ok sicne she was gonna sleep in my room well of ocurse i said yes i would do nething for that lil girl so she slept over we tired to catch lightening bugs outside we sould get one and then she would scream cause she didnt wanna touch it but wanted to catch them shes so funny and then we watch family guy i hate that show i dont think its right for her but there was nuttin else on at all that a 5 yr old could watch i tihnk she just liked the cartoon aspect of it all and didnt really understand it all and for once ina week i was acutally sleeping and ma kept waking meup to check on us like ma enough already i can take care of her im not uncapable of doing that i can take care of ur i do itall the time since u never do enthing neway ugh. but munchin is a lil bed hog for a tiny girl she ended up like sidways on my side of the bed i have a queen size bed u think m eand her could fit but yeah i ended up witha lil sectin she had the rest of the bed
but i was a funtime and today went well no work no babysitting duties i coudl hide in my room
working 10-5 tomm
love uguys how ur all doing well
and heres my site link again in case neone wants to join
http://darkestbeforedawn.webs.com
i acutally updated it too so in like 24-48 hours it will have its own domain name which will b darkest-before-dawn.com
oo and work is having some major good sales and i know i shoudlnt go bought nething but hey soem of the stuff was 75 percent off cant pass up that. so i got 2 tanks and a button up cardi sweater. the sweater is a light tan color. one tank as thikcers straps and ahs orange and white diagnoal strips and the other is spagetti strapped with like fringe stuff on it heres the pic of them
Monday, July 4, 2011
7/4/11
well first off happy 4th to all us americans
and 2nd i made a website its an eating disorder one its not proana its more like a supooritve site were u know u can go and b understood but ifu guys wanna check it out heres the link
http://darkestbeforedawn.webs.com
andmy friend J made her own one too so check that out as well
http://disorderedfamily.webs.com
and 2nd i made a website its an eating disorder one its not proana its more like a supooritve site were u know u can go and b understood but ifu guys wanna check it out heres the link
http://darkestbeforedawn.webs.com
andmy friend J made her own one too so check that out as well
http://disorderedfamily.webs.com
Sunday, July 3, 2011
story time
so mich gave me this lovely award thank u so much for it.
so i have to tell a stroy and it took me awhile to figure about what i want to write since most of u already know my eating disorder story but i made up my mind we are gonna talk about chasing ur dreams.
all of us have dreams goals that we wanna acheive hope to achieve and mayb even some of use have acheived them. i have had 3 major ones but i havent ahceived them they all failed but i dont regret them or trying to achieve them.
my first dream was to b in the olypmics. i know it prob seems far fetched to some of u but really it wasnt that far off for me and i prob could of done it too if my body didnt fail on me. see i was a gymansts and i was damn good at it too i did it for 8 years idk where i got my drive orpassion for it since none of my family did it but it was my passion it still is and i loved evey minute of it. i had to quit in middle school though and i will tell u y. i started young after i figured out i wanted to do it my parents signed me up and i moved up quickly from once a week to twice a week to 3 times a week and then b4 i had to stop i was about to go more and for longer hours as well. i loved it the flying th efree falling the rush u get the scariness of learning a new trick the exercise all of it its hard to explain. but gymnastics si so hard on ur body the constant pounding on ur joints is just crazy. i loved floor and bars the best the were alwasy myfav i loved tumbling and flying thru the air. beam and vault were ok i wasn tbest at them but hey i alwasy trie dmy hardest as well. my coaches alwasy pushe dme well thats their job to push and push and to make u the best u can. i have ribbons and medals and trophies from it and i miss it everyday adn i wish i coudl still do it and im sure if ididnt get hurt i would of made it to the olympics and that kills me everyday. but neway gymanstis get hurt alot and the moto is usually tape it up and keep going and trust me i did that alot. adnd ive spen more time on cruthces then neone i know im a pro at them. u just push thru the pain til u cant nemore. i hurt my ankle one to many times though and had to do phycial therapy on it it was the last straw either stop or risk permanat damage. and ur talking to the girl who sprained her achilles heel and kept going. and if u have ever hrut ur achilles heel u know how painful it is trust me it hur tlike a bitch but the coaches alwasy tell u to keep goign so thats waht i did i taped it up well douple tape it and off tot he workout i go i remember that day taped it up and its was off to running they would take us outside and ahve us run up and down the hill. the conditiong for a gymanstics is crazy running, rope climbing, crunches, situps, leg lifts, push ups and so on. ims orry im getting off topic but yeah that was my one dreamt o go to the olypmics but my injuries prevented that.
so next dream was in high school and it wasnt just my dream it was my hole cheering team dream. we wanted to with the national championship. and not just ne championship the uca national cheering championship in orlando florida. its not like it is now now they have all different catergories and different sections when my team was htere it was jsut my division. like high school was small varsity, medium varisy, large varsity and super varsity. tahts it now the divsions are broken up even more but every year the team alwasy dreamed of winning an dits a hard thing to do caue if u know nehting bout cheering u know the southern teams are amazing like beyond amazing. one year we didnt make it out of prelimes one year we didnt make it out of semis but then one year we made it all the way to finals and thats an accomplishment fuck just getting a bid is a good thing. but makign it to finals is amazing its scary and thrilling and jsut everythig u can think off. that year we got 7th 7th in the nation and u wanna know something the school hasnt beaten that record yeat they have gotten close but t he yearh we got 7th is still the highest my school has ever gotten and i am proud of that and so is the school. that year we also one 2 state championships for cheering and also a bunch of othe awards it was a good year.
third dream i never even came close to i wanted to desgin rollercoasters. it took me awhile to figure out what i really wanted to too but hen one day it hit me well we were in florida for the championships and i was on this haunted ride thing and it hit me that this is what i wanna do i wanna design them cause i love rollercoasters. i was taking physcis at the time yes i hated high school yes i barely went yes i barely graduated yes i suck at adding and subrtracting but give my physics and i can do that iknow its werid bu ti loved it and i could do it. but unforutnally i fucked up to much all the other years and that year as well and i realized that there was no way i coudl get into a good college and plus my ed was getting bad again so it was even harder. inever even applied to college for it i just realized that my dream no matter how much i wanted it i coudlnt accomplish it.
so i guess what im trying to say is keep dreaming no matter what u keep dreaming and u try to reach ur dreams cause if u just giv eup u will regret it u do nething that u can u put ur mind too it and jump too feet in and go for it with ur hole heart and never have regrets i dont beleive in regrets u cant go back and change the past so u might as well accept it.
ok passing this on then to 8 ppl i will pass it on to the 8 ppl who commented last:
*barbies and bones
*camille
*skinnygirl
*scaredblogger
*bones
*black angel
*desesperee
*sarah
so i have to tell a stroy and it took me awhile to figure about what i want to write since most of u already know my eating disorder story but i made up my mind we are gonna talk about chasing ur dreams.
all of us have dreams goals that we wanna acheive hope to achieve and mayb even some of use have acheived them. i have had 3 major ones but i havent ahceived them they all failed but i dont regret them or trying to achieve them.
my first dream was to b in the olypmics. i know it prob seems far fetched to some of u but really it wasnt that far off for me and i prob could of done it too if my body didnt fail on me. see i was a gymansts and i was damn good at it too i did it for 8 years idk where i got my drive orpassion for it since none of my family did it but it was my passion it still is and i loved evey minute of it. i had to quit in middle school though and i will tell u y. i started young after i figured out i wanted to do it my parents signed me up and i moved up quickly from once a week to twice a week to 3 times a week and then b4 i had to stop i was about to go more and for longer hours as well. i loved it the flying th efree falling the rush u get the scariness of learning a new trick the exercise all of it its hard to explain. but gymnastics si so hard on ur body the constant pounding on ur joints is just crazy. i loved floor and bars the best the were alwasy myfav i loved tumbling and flying thru the air. beam and vault were ok i wasn tbest at them but hey i alwasy trie dmy hardest as well. my coaches alwasy pushe dme well thats their job to push and push and to make u the best u can. i have ribbons and medals and trophies from it and i miss it everyday adn i wish i coudl still do it and im sure if ididnt get hurt i would of made it to the olympics and that kills me everyday. but neway gymanstis get hurt alot and the moto is usually tape it up and keep going and trust me i did that alot. adnd ive spen more time on cruthces then neone i know im a pro at them. u just push thru the pain til u cant nemore. i hurt my ankle one to many times though and had to do phycial therapy on it it was the last straw either stop or risk permanat damage. and ur talking to the girl who sprained her achilles heel and kept going. and if u have ever hrut ur achilles heel u know how painful it is trust me it hur tlike a bitch but the coaches alwasy tell u to keep goign so thats waht i did i taped it up well douple tape it and off tot he workout i go i remember that day taped it up and its was off to running they would take us outside and ahve us run up and down the hill. the conditiong for a gymanstics is crazy running, rope climbing, crunches, situps, leg lifts, push ups and so on. ims orry im getting off topic but yeah that was my one dreamt o go to the olypmics but my injuries prevented that.
so next dream was in high school and it wasnt just my dream it was my hole cheering team dream. we wanted to with the national championship. and not just ne championship the uca national cheering championship in orlando florida. its not like it is now now they have all different catergories and different sections when my team was htere it was jsut my division. like high school was small varsity, medium varisy, large varsity and super varsity. tahts it now the divsions are broken up even more but every year the team alwasy dreamed of winning an dits a hard thing to do caue if u know nehting bout cheering u know the southern teams are amazing like beyond amazing. one year we didnt make it out of prelimes one year we didnt make it out of semis but then one year we made it all the way to finals and thats an accomplishment fuck just getting a bid is a good thing. but makign it to finals is amazing its scary and thrilling and jsut everythig u can think off. that year we got 7th 7th in the nation and u wanna know something the school hasnt beaten that record yeat they have gotten close but t he yearh we got 7th is still the highest my school has ever gotten and i am proud of that and so is the school. that year we also one 2 state championships for cheering and also a bunch of othe awards it was a good year.
third dream i never even came close to i wanted to desgin rollercoasters. it took me awhile to figure out what i really wanted to too but hen one day it hit me well we were in florida for the championships and i was on this haunted ride thing and it hit me that this is what i wanna do i wanna design them cause i love rollercoasters. i was taking physcis at the time yes i hated high school yes i barely went yes i barely graduated yes i suck at adding and subrtracting but give my physics and i can do that iknow its werid bu ti loved it and i could do it. but unforutnally i fucked up to much all the other years and that year as well and i realized that there was no way i coudl get into a good college and plus my ed was getting bad again so it was even harder. inever even applied to college for it i just realized that my dream no matter how much i wanted it i coudlnt accomplish it.
so i guess what im trying to say is keep dreaming no matter what u keep dreaming and u try to reach ur dreams cause if u just giv eup u will regret it u do nething that u can u put ur mind too it and jump too feet in and go for it with ur hole heart and never have regrets i dont beleive in regrets u cant go back and change the past so u might as well accept it.
ok passing this on then to 8 ppl i will pass it on to the 8 ppl who commented last:
*barbies and bones
*camille
*skinnygirl
*scaredblogger
*bones
*black angel
*desesperee
*sarah
Saturday, July 2, 2011
outfit for today
ok heres the full length look
close up of the shirt
hair style i have a braid on each side it was jsut easier to get a good pic of one side but its on both side and my bangs are down the rest of my hair is down and straight and got a purple headband in as well
close up of the shirt
hair style i have a braid on each side it was jsut easier to get a good pic of one side but its on both side and my bangs are down the rest of my hair is down and straight and got a purple headband in as well
7/2/11
so its 7:34 am an dive been up for 7 hours and 34 minutes yup u got that right ive been up since midnite i tried to sleep from 8pm-midnite id sleep for like an hour thenmy body would jumpa wake like literally out of bed i stay up for awhile then try again and repeat so needless to say by midnite ive just given up. so ive watched the first 2 episodes of season one of trueblood and yeah im in love wiht it already, did crunches, painted my nails, caught up on some fanifc updates. the boy came over around 2am after the bar gothim mcdonalds i just ate a few fries then me him and hes friend sat outside til like 3:30am then they went home i tried to lay down had my ipod on to try and sleep and yeah as soon as my eyes closed my body jerked me awake gotta love insomnia and sleep depreviation ughit sucks and i gotta work today atleast its only a 4 hour shit i can get thru that.
but neway i still dont have my new car yet ugh frustrated i want it already. but i called the sales perrson yesterday since he was off friday he wasnt at hes desk but he calledme back and let me avoicemail since i was working but the dealership they are getting it from doesnt have it yet its still in shipment he should hav emore info for me on tuesday or even have it for me on tuesday so i want it but since its still in shipment it means its new new and hasnt been sitting on a lot.
o and i got stung by a bee on thursday i was outside wiht my 5 yr old cousin we were doing cartwheels and of course i was the one thatlandedon the bee better me then her thoughi dont want her in pain but the hole stinger was in my hand my aunt was over picking up my 10 year old cousin so she tweezed itout for me but its still irrated and swollen soi keep it covered and since its on my plam its hard so i put a bandaide then wrap water proof mediacl tape aroundmy hand to keep it secure.
me andmy mom are bumping heads alot its like ma im 25 i can take care of myself dont get mad cause i park my car in front of the house and making my bro park somewhere else i got home be him, dont get mad about how i spendmy money, dont get mad and say my boyfriend cant stay over nemore cuase im tired hello im alwasy tired i get my insomnia from u ugh and and ont tell me i cant take my 2 li cousins on
a walk saying i cant handle them im mroe then capable of takign care of them i have been i take care of them more then u do and ur even there with me so shut the fuck up already and leave me alone
ok outfit update have yesterdays and the days b4 todays will b later and i know i still owe u a story for michs award im trying to think about what to write u guys already know my ed story so
7/1/11
6/30/11
_________________________________________________________________
camille- no no vitamins ihave a habit of forgetting to take them ihave my flinestone gummies ones i havent taken them in awhile though
calichica- i do explode soemtimes ijust try not to so much
skinnygirl-sleeping pills dont work for me they keep me awake instead of knocking me out
scaredblogger-thanx ais and yeah i'll go tot he doc evenutally when it gets to bad but i hate docs so
bones-idk if im amenic my doc never tested for that me relax now that is just funny lol an dyeah i get anxiety wheni drive im fine around town but once out of town i freak the fuck out
mich- thanx for the award is till have to do a story yet and i will ijuts have to think about what to write about and yes we need an adventure a good one im tired of owkring i need a break
but neway i still dont have my new car yet ugh frustrated i want it already. but i called the sales perrson yesterday since he was off friday he wasnt at hes desk but he calledme back and let me avoicemail since i was working but the dealership they are getting it from doesnt have it yet its still in shipment he should hav emore info for me on tuesday or even have it for me on tuesday so i want it but since its still in shipment it means its new new and hasnt been sitting on a lot.
o and i got stung by a bee on thursday i was outside wiht my 5 yr old cousin we were doing cartwheels and of course i was the one thatlandedon the bee better me then her thoughi dont want her in pain but the hole stinger was in my hand my aunt was over picking up my 10 year old cousin so she tweezed itout for me but its still irrated and swollen soi keep it covered and since its on my plam its hard so i put a bandaide then wrap water proof mediacl tape aroundmy hand to keep it secure.
me andmy mom are bumping heads alot its like ma im 25 i can take care of myself dont get mad cause i park my car in front of the house and making my bro park somewhere else i got home be him, dont get mad about how i spendmy money, dont get mad and say my boyfriend cant stay over nemore cuase im tired hello im alwasy tired i get my insomnia from u ugh and and ont tell me i cant take my 2 li cousins on
a walk saying i cant handle them im mroe then capable of takign care of them i have been i take care of them more then u do and ur even there with me so shut the fuck up already and leave me alone
ok outfit update have yesterdays and the days b4 todays will b later and i know i still owe u a story for michs award im trying to think about what to write u guys already know my ed story so
7/1/11
6/30/11
_________________________________________________________________
camille- no no vitamins ihave a habit of forgetting to take them ihave my flinestone gummies ones i havent taken them in awhile though
calichica- i do explode soemtimes ijust try not to so much
skinnygirl-sleeping pills dont work for me they keep me awake instead of knocking me out
scaredblogger-thanx ais and yeah i'll go tot he doc evenutally when it gets to bad but i hate docs so
bones-idk if im amenic my doc never tested for that me relax now that is just funny lol an dyeah i get anxiety wheni drive im fine around town but once out of town i freak the fuck out
mich- thanx for the award is till have to do a story yet and i will ijuts have to think about what to write about and yes we need an adventure a good one im tired of owkring i need a break
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