Wednesday, July 27, 2011

rock bottom

i hopei really do hope that none u ever have to hit rock bottom to know what it feels like to know that if u dont change ur gonna lose everything the one person that cares that ur crying so hard u cant breathe and u cant stop the pain the pain from ur heart breaking the pain cause ur hyeprventialting and cant get enough air into ur lungs and the scariness of it all to have ur heart beating for fast out of fear and confusiong to have ur head so jumbled up that u cant even think a clear thoguth none the less say it to not even comprehend what is being said to u i hope htat u guys never have to go thru that i dont want ne of my friends going thru that

im sorry that i have been gone for so long ive been a maniac mental case for over a week ive wanted to write i have i just havent had a clear thought in my head that hole time i couldnt make sense of nething nuttin at alll

the only reason y im here now is cause ij ust almost lost the one person i love who loves me my reason for breathing and everything i almost lost htim cause of this disease cuase im crazy cause i cut i almost lost everything and it was the scareist thing ever then throwing all my shit away was right there

he gave me one chance one chance to turn all this around one fuck up one and hes walking away cause he cant deal withi tnemore

he knows i cut now and i didnt tell him i know i should of told him a long time ago but how do u tell some1 that we were out witho ut one freind my bracelets rode up he saw and asked me what was that i just said marks and when we said down to eat he wanted to c my arm he said those arent marks but hes friend was there then at the mall he saw it again hes like ur willing to risk everything to cut ur skin open all i said what it numbs everything but hes friend was still with us so he said we would talk about it later and we did inmy car parked behind hes house while he decided if he wanted to get out of the car and walk away forever or walk out of the car and come back

it was so hard to try and explain what is goingon in my head and idk if i can go thru everything cause im still weak im still nasoues my chest still hurts an di keep playing everything back in my head in a loop and trust me its not a fun thing

he fianlly realized how much i have lost it how crazy i really am how unstable i am he didnt know how he didnt realize it b4 but he realized it know and he told me i need help he cant help me nemore ineed to b in the hospital i need to get better cause he wasnt gonna b with soem1 that was killing themselves that i would do something so stupid as to cut myself and risk losing him how i could scar up my beautiful self for that everything is a mess

he said that what ifi hit a vein what if i took myself away from him that he needs me as much as i need him thats y he hasnt walked away yet i told him i wasnt trying to kill myself hes like but thats what the voices were saying i hate myself i hate everything about myself and try explaing that i couldnt i coudlnt explain y i hate myself cuase idk i just cant look in the mirror i just cant and he coudlnt understand that he just coudlnt hes like u have nuttin to hate urself for u have me u have abrand new car yes u work retail right now butu will find better and dont call urself not smart u have alot more then even my friends do u have no reason to b sad for urself

he said that he thought the new car would help that he thought it would pick me up a lil and in all honesty it did ir really did and then my neighbor killed himself and i got fucked up he realized that i cant handle life im just one of those persons who cant handle life im not strong enough for it buti have to b stronger ijust have too

he said my parents love me they just dont know how to show it but they would miss me if i wasnt here i told him im the only reason y im still here is him an dhe didnt like that cause it meant i thought about it more then he thought i did but i dont wanna die im scared out of my fucking mind

idk alot more stuff was sadi but we diecded that i cant get help now that all really the hospital will do is help my body get healthier but not my head that wheni get some better insurance i will get help but for now i have to do it myself cause really i would b int eh shoital for months and i cant afford that not with my bills im 25 i have bills that need to b paid icant just neglect that to check myself in

i cant fuck up nemore not nemore not even one bit he made me take off my bracelets and he just stared at me hes like how much does it bleed and i coudlnt answer that i asked him how did i look cause i cant c it he didnt get how i couldnt c it but he said to him im perfect i dont need to change nething yeah i coudl gain a few lbs casue my legs and arms are really tiny an dmy bones are out alot butim perfect to him i wish i could c what everyone else sees and i do get glimpses soemtimes u know when ur head gives u a break for a 2nd and u c and u get one of those omfg moments were u cant believe that ur doing this to urself yeah those moments and it doesnt help that hes one friend has been sayign stuff how how he thought i didnt eat but hes gonna talk to him about it he said he woudlnt c me ne different he would still c me the same way but he needs to know for he will stop the comments

i just cant beleive how unstable i really am and i said that to him how do u tell ur boyfriend that ur losing ur mind hes like idk but u really are ur worse then i though u were but he doesnt think im biopolar idk what to say nemore im trying so hard to explain this to u guys but im stilla jumbled mess

but at the end he yelled at me and he never yells at me never he doesnt like to do it in th e8 years we have been together he has never yelled at me yeah weve had our issues but he has never yelled but he yelled and he had to repeat it in a calm voice after cause i was hyperventialting to much to get it all but this is my last chance if he sees one more fresh cut hes out, if i look too bad hes out if i stop eating hes out its basically a forced recovery with out the help of medical attetnion hes said he was gonna go in the house but come back i lost it right there it hurt so bad i coudlnt breathe he had to calm me down he had to keep saying that he was gonna come back cause the hole talk i just kept saying ur gonna leave and im never gonna c u again thats all my mind could process at that time and he asked if he walked out of this car right now and never came back what wold happen and i said i would lose it i woudlnt kill myself not on purpose at least. he said he cant have that on him he would blame himself even though i kept saying none of it was hes fault and none of it was i never blamed him for ne of it and i never will its all me its all on me he was fighting was hard to stay with me or to give up on me i hurt him so much i did and i hate myself even more for it but in the end he decided to stay with me but i had to go upstairs get all myself and throw it out he woudl wait in the car

u know how hard that was i had to throw out myscale my tape measure my razors and all my pills an di had to explain the pills cause he didnt know i had them i found like 10 razors scattered in my i had to 2 half filled bottles of different green tea pills hald a bottle of diuretcis like 3 hard core diet pills and a hit ton of just empty bottle and i had to throw them all out i had to put them in a bag and he drove me to a dumpster and i had to put them in there and i cant get them nemore if i do he will leave me he let me keep my fiber pills though cuase he knows i need them for my stomach cause thats all fucked up and i told him i keptm y books he didnt know what books buti told him the memiors and stuff hes like those wont trigger u i said know i just like reading how other ppl suffer to knwo that im not alone he said i coudl keep them but couldnt buy nemore of them

i really did scare him though cause he never saw me that bad i coudlnt sit still at all i had to keep moving my head was going amile a minute i kepts scaratching msyelf casue i was crawling out o fmy skin hes like please calm down ur scaring me here ur making me nervous im here im not going newhere ur gonna b ok it hurt so bad everything hurt and hes sitting there rubbign my chest for me saying i cant beleive i fucked my body up this much but i had to promise him that whenever things got to bad i had to come to him i had to talk to him b4 i did nething stupid i have to get on a scahduel eating sleeping exercise

i told him i didnt know how ot eat and that confused him even more cause idk how to eat lidk what is nomral what to eat at breakfast and lunch adn dinner hehs like 2000 cals a day and i freaked otuicant do that ijust cant he sliek if u cant do that no1 is gonna help u but he realized after awhile that ppl would help me if ihad teh insurancea dn the money to pay for it

sorry if im not making ne sense cause im sure im not but i have to get ready for worknow he doesn tknow how i work when my head si so bad but u do what u ahve to do and we are now taking it one day at a time but if i can get myself ok at least stable we can have a great life together its jsut all so scary


  1. It may be rock bottom, but it's clear he loves you. I envy you that. H knows my disorders and finds them interesting, but doesn't encourage me to change. your rock bottom is bittersweet, because you have to make some major, difficult changes, but it's all for someone who loves you deeply. That makes all the difference.

  2. You CAN handle life. I know I only know you as words on a screen but it's amazing how much those words can convey. You are beautiful and strong and special and you DESERVE life. Not for your boyfriend or your parents or anyone else but just because you are you. Even when you don't feel it, just know it deep inside. You have something to offer the world, I honestly believe that. I know personally you've helped me so much just with your words and the way you write so honestly. And I don't even know you. My heart just goes out to you. I will be praying for you. xx

  3. sounds like he really loves you babe. your very lucky. its much easier to change for someone you love, even if its just the fear of losing them that is making you do it. Hes risking breaking his own heart to save you, its beautiful. <3 much love xxx

  4. *hugs* you deserve to be happy. your boyfriend obviously cares a lot about you. you have to be strong and get help. i would get treatment asap if i were you. and i know you have bills but your health is way more important. u maybe should consider getting a loan or explaining your situation to your parents to see if they might help. please be safe and keep us updated so we know you are ok. xo

  5. Your boyfriend definitely loves and cares about you incredibly. You DO have the strength to get through this, it'll be a tough struggle, but I am positive you can do this. He wants what he thinks is best for your health and your happiness, maybe treatment would be helpful if you found the right treatment center. Is there any way you could get your insurance sooner to help with the bills? This must be a really rough time for you, I'm not exactly sure what to say as I have never been in that situation, but I want you to know that you have all my support and love. <3