9/19/11

so its another waiting game guys y do socs alwasy make u wait in suspense and worry and ugh it sucks but neway i have to wait 48 hours to get the results of my disida scan with cck i had today.

the test went good it sucked laying down for 2 hours and not really moving my body started to hurt and my shoulder blades hurt from being pushed onto the table from laying down but all in all it wasnt a bad test i had it done at the hosptial in town and the nurses were relaly nice y cant all my docs b as nice as some of the nurses i have had like realy cuase ive had some great really nice nurses friendly they talk to me make sure im ok and comfortable.

but for the test u lay on a table and the have a cameral over top of ur stomach and undereneth u as well most of the test was laying there with th ecamera until all the images got clear and they could find the galballder in the stomach i did have an iv put in to for i coudl get the meds she had to stick me tiwce and she apoligzed alot for it i kept telling her it was ok but she said so nit wasnt cause i bleed realy good as well. i had on alot of layers: yoga pants, knee high socks, fake ugg boots. tank top, long sleeve shirt, and a hoodie. and she was like wow ur dressed as if its winter im like yeah sorry im alwasy so cold shes like its ok she even got me blankets as well one warm one and then a nomral one on top of that to keep me warm cause the camera and stuff can go thru that. at one point in the middle of the test she came in and asked my weight i said about 100 lbs(cause thats what it was last i knew it) and shes like yeah if that so im guessing i look alot smaller thenw hat i though i was but idk i dont have ascale so i have no idea what my weight is.

the 2nd part of the test is when they give u the cck thru the iv it takes 30 mins for that and she told me to yell if im in pain and she came in and aske dim like its nuttin that imnot used to my stomahc alsways hurts i did get a few sharp pains but i alwasy get those buti didnt get nasouses like some ppl do with the meds so i guess that is a good thing

but all in all the test was 2 hours now i have to wait 48 hours for the results of it
i wore my ring like i alwasy do the promise ring the boy got me years ago for xmas i wear is on my left hand with a simple plain slive one as well and shes like o o let me see omg thats so pretty its gorg whens the date and i just said not for a long time thats what i say to everyone but i also told her its a promise ring but we've been together 8 years neway so we are pratcitally married u know what i mean.


i went to target after i just went for hair clips and starburst but guess what i forget the hair clips lol ha but i did get starburst they were 2 for $4 so got 2 of those and 6 sobe pure waters as well as a 3 pack of gum and to different lean pockets adn ice for my mom.

i went ofr a walk today aobut hour mayb hour and 15 mins and i swang for 5 mins as well i love going ot the park and swining it makes everything better for that lil time the flying thru the air the weightlessness i love it i might go for another walk later after my ipod gets all charged up its a lil chilly but i can handle it well its chilly for me at least u know.

i read and commented on some of ur blogs if i missed some im sorry but im walking avery verythin line right now thats could go either bad or good i could either lose everything or try harder

last week was avery very very rough week for me mentally wise and u have no idea how much i wanted to hurt myself and i had to tell the boy that too cause he told me to tell him when i want to he jsut said i have to b stronger to try and fight it and not do nething stupid but we had a long talk after as well i didnt c him much this weekend and he apologized for that and said hed make it up to me next week were i just kept saying thats its ok he can go out b with hes friends i know u get sick of me and u need a break

and he said that that isnt try at all he could never get sick of me of fed up with dealing with my issues he loves me and he only wants me no matter what that he hates seeing me like this so sad so defeated i had to tell him im tired of life im tired of me and that freaked him out cause he knew what i was saying he knows that if he wasnt there i wouldnt b here my ed would iether kill me or i would do it myself but sincei have him im not gonna kill myself and he knows that and i tell him that

we had a long talk a long talk and some things are personal an di want to keep it that way some tihngs just have to stay between me and him u know what i mean but i told ihm what if i gain weight waht if udont want me nemore and he said i will alasy want me and u dont have to gain weight u dont have to gain 50 lbs 5-10 lbs yes but u dont have to gain alot and not right away and if i can jsut gain it in my ass he would like that very much hes like more for me to hold on too yes hes a typical guy but i love him more then life so yesah but ive never had an ass so im not gonna get one hahahaha

but i dont see the point in everyone having to tell me how skinny i am how im like a twig how i should gain weight i get the gain weight thing at home i hear nurses say how tiny i am i got customers at work just lloking at me and saying omg look how tiny she is how is that righti cant say omg look how fat u are but they can say how skinny i am its so fucke dup and im not that skinny im just not i know my mental health isnt well and i might b small and i just might not c it ijust ug i want it all to stop all of it please just make it all stop

so i either have a choice here i can do what the boy says tyr and be stronger fight it or i can hit rock bottom(which hes scared is gonna happen he asked me if i was) and i said fuck hope i dotn hit rock bottom cause if i do it means i lose everything everything i ever worked for my job my car my boy and i will b hopsitalized

so what do i do here guys we talked bout hoptial and therapy but we both know that wasof right now i cant afford it and both me and him agree what if i go to the hsoptail if i get admitted i will leave more fucked up theni went in so no hosptail

i would do therapy i really would just as of right now i cant affrod it im lookng hard for a new job with better insurance and even if its not better nsurance i would at least b making more money for i can afford the therapy

so right now i guess i just have to hang in there and just try not to lose my mind which im not doing good at right now i really am losing it if im at work im ok cause im busyand not worrying but once im home everything is just a fucking mess

so guys can u help me please neone who has been in recovery or in therapy or in hopsital residental or ip or even op cause u please give me some points and tips on how i can do this on my own how i can try and not compeltely lsoe my mind