12/7/11

I really hate having my period I don't deal well with having it at all my mind goes nuts its been pretty much calm for 3 weeks few freaks out here and there but now it's just a mess I'm bloated it hurts I'm eating choc which I'm beating myself up over ugh this is ridiculous

My medication are working little better I think I did ok the other day went to Barnes and nobles and apple store had my music on at Barnes and nobles but that store keeps me calm neway I was lil anxious at apple store but not as bad as I would of been I'm better at work I can focus and drive my mangers nuts cause my head is clearer which is good but they think I'm on something I'm not I'm just doing ok for once in my life

My doc appt is next week nervous cause I don't want to know my weight and it's 430 in the afternoon so I will have eaten probably come straight from work so I'll have heavier clothes on which scares me and I don't want him to take me off my medication cause he said he would if it wasn't helping the pain yeah it's not helping the pain I get bad headaches everyday and my body just aches but hello I have fibromyalgia it's gonna hurt and there's no generics out there for that yet so yeah I can't afford brand names

I'm just happy my head is a lil calmer and clearer I don't want to lose that I don't want to go back to the way I was before the medication I was a complete mess panic attacks everyday freakouts all the time crying hating myself hurting myself it's not worth it

I've been cut free since the summer I haven't gone that long with out cutting in years I'm proud of myself yes I still get urges but they are getting less and less and I have to look at the scars everyday since my one inner arm is covered from wrist to elbow

I'm trying to recover its hard as fuck trust me I try eating a different food once a week I end up freaking out last week it was a breakfast sandwich it took all my effort to not throw it up I had to keep myself on my bed or I would of run to the bathroom and got rid of it so needless to say noire breakfast sandwiches for a long time I'm just not ready to deal with that it was to much for me

I hope u are all doing well let me know how u are doing in my comments since I can't get to a computer to read ur blogs I've been updating from my phone love ya