2/3/10

do u ever have those days were u wonder if all of this is worth it if all the pain and suffering is worth it. well that day was today for me i was so depressed but i had my 2 lil cousins and they make me so happy so that helped me get thru the day. but i wasjust sitting there playing with them and wondering y am i doing this, y am i in so much pain, y do i let food run my life, y do i listen to the voices in my head, is all of this worth it. u know what i came up with yes of course it is wroth it u know y cause when th enumber on the scale goes down its the best feeling in the world. 2 c the weight come off and the bones come out more. i have to stop listening to my body and listen to my head cause the voices are always right fuck my body it doesnt need all that food it doesnt and ima stop giving in and iving it to it. i have to stop binging. i cant b nomral its either starve or binge there is no in between for me never has been never will b. so from now on its starve and exercise. i cant ocmpletley stop eating again cause fml my boyfreind is watching me an d knows all my tricks and shit so i gotta still eat. i ahve to start following that plan as well that i made up i cant just keep eating watever the fuck i want cause that is just not right and its making ana mad trust me i know my kindeys hurt my hand is swollen y idk but she is punishing me and i need to make her happy from now on.

i know today just sucked i ate like 1000 cals and i dont even wanna list what i ate so im not gonna im to ashamed but trust me tomm ima do way better and make myself and ana proud and im kicking mia out mr. razor can stay but mia ur out im tired of u

love u all stay strong and sorry for the rant