3/31/10

im hanging in there today im getting better at this balanced eating thing i still hate it and id rather starve then eat but i have to at least for another week or sometihng god i cant wait to just restrict an d fast again i miss it so much


i went out today and bought a red journal to start writing done what food i ate again it fells good to have it

and i made it to the gymt oday did 45 mins on elly burnt 321 cals then i went and sepnt 8 min vaccumming my car, i took over 10,000 steps today burnt 279 cals and i always spent sometime outside with my 9 year old cousing shooting hoops and just playing so im sure i burnt a good amout of cals doing that

so i cut yesterday bad like bad andugh the scars ugh well they havent bleed nemore at least but they are extermely red right now and they hurt but o well they will heal eventaully i guess i dont regret doing it i never regret the cut or the scars but i do wish i never started cutting but its to late for that obviously

i try and not regret things cuase whats the pint in regreting things if u cant go back and change them neway

3/30/10

i never feel good enough im never skinny enough or smart enough or perfect enough i dont get things done they way i should my boy hates me casue im not perfect i try so hard to b perfect buti cant if hes forcing me to eat

and wtf am i doing eating when hes just gonna suspect me of not eating neway and he doesnt beleive fuck ive been eating so much as it is god im fat as fucking hell like fat fat i hate it and if hes just gonna keep saying im not eating i might as well just not eat at least he would b right then


god this all just fucking sucks i want to b thin so tihn that im fragile and that im breakable that i just diseaper y cant i just diseaper its not lik neone would miss me neway i dont have ne friends all i have is the boyfreind who im not good enough for neway srsly y has he stayed around these past 7 years if im not good enough he coudl go ut and find a girl that is perfect ath isnt so fucked up in the head that can eat with out flipping the fuck out who doesnt purge and cut alot ugh god fuck this


i need to get thin really thin and like now give ppl someting to worry about

3/28/10

so i went shopping today i got rice(surpise there), tangerianes, apples, fruit cups (mixed and peaches), green tea with blueberry, green tea with promgrante, fuze slenderize, tortiallo(sp), pizza sauce, vegan shredded mozarrlla, hot peppers, yogurt, granola, frozen fruits( berry meldly, and tropical)and soy light choc milk

wokr was crazy i literally was on my feet the hole time i was working and then there was the bday party i had to lifegurad and they were 5 year olds so i ended up going in the pool with them i just hung on a noodle in the deep end and treaded water and laways swam back and forth with them for like hour and 15 minutes straight i was so tired after and so so so cold it sucked i swear my boss keeps in water temp down on purpsoe ugh i hate it

and yes im working on my blog i keep chaning the template and colors i cant find one i like

im hoping to get to the gym tomm i could use some elly time

3/27/10

so yesterday went ok i guess i went off my plan for during the day i had a banana and yogurt for breakfast lunch was celery and about 2 cups of popcorn after work i had 2 el fudge cookies dinner with the boy was at 9 at ntie after working 10 hour shift
he tried to get me to drink a beer with him and i refused and then he said well u cant just get water u gotta get soemthing else so i got a strawberry coco frost smoothie it was acutally really good. my meal was a paradise caribean salad(lettuce blackend chicken apples and oranges with vingar dressing) i ate all the apples oranges and a lil of the chicken. of course he made me get desert so i got a lil order of choc mouse it was ok i guess ugh idk.

but hes friends dont know bout my ed he doesnt want them to know or to judge me but i think hes one is catching on cause at dinner hes like what u dont eat ne of ur salad but u have dessert and i just looked at him. the boy goes she likes her dessert better then acutal meals he saved me. then hes friend islike staring at me while im trying to eat my dessert and im like no stop u cant look at me y im eating i dont like it and hes like what and im like icant eat if ustare at me. the boy saved me again and heslike really ucant look at her while she eats and then he started talking to him so i got to eat in privacy well sorta sicne we were at a restraurant.

so i havent been feeling well and u guys all know that they boy sees me and goes u dont look good and i tell him i havent been feeling well and my sytoms and hes like well whats wrong with u and i tell him idk but it sucks ugh o well

i just ate way tom uch and i hate myself i swear after easter is a new start and im getting all this fat ass weight thati was forced to gain off

love u all

3/25/10

so as u knwo every firday the boy takes me out to eat for a normal meal as he calls it andi have to eat what he says i know it sucks but i try and make the most of it i usually fast all day to make up for it then i eat with him and it makes me happy i usually doont eat tomuch but he always makes me get dessert and he knows i have a sweet tooth and cant resist

so tom i was all planning to fast all day til dinner theni relaxed im working a 10 hour shift tomm and part of that shift is lifeguarding a bday party so i have to b alert u know so im thinkin i will have a yogurt b4 work then bring 2 more yogurts and some cerely sticks with me that should b enoguh to hold me over and give me enough energy to do what i have to do

ugh i ate way to much today its bad prob like 2000 cals im scared to add them up cause then i will freak out and pruge and cut and im tyring to stop both of those so i cant give in now

i did make it to the gym again today i walked on the treadmill at about a speed of 3.2 for hour and 40 min read my book while i has walking as well

i just hate myself for eating so much tis crazy andi knwo ive been sick and i should b eating to get my body healthy for wheni starve myself again i wont get sick right away ugh its a constant batttle with everything

3/24/10

so i got my lazy ass weak not feeling well self up this morning and went to the gym first time since last week i wanted to do like a 2 hour intense workout buti know that my body couldnt handle that so i just did 65 min on the bike slowly and read my book while i was on there. i burnt 385 cals doing that. then i went to kohls after casue i had a 30% off coupon to use got a small long sleeve shirt an xs dress and a pari of black flats all for 30 bucks i know not bad gotta love sales. i took over 11,000 steps today and burnt 287 cals so whati burnt 600ish cals today not bad not bad im proud of myself for that. now i just have to get my cal intake down i know i havent been posting what i have been eating but i have been ashamed casue im eating way to much ugh srsly 1000 cals a day that just insane im slowly drop it down to 600 cals a day i think though causei cant stay that high espeically if i wanna lose weight gotta get the weight i gained off ugh i cant believe im so damn fat

3/23/10

can someone please explain to me y i keep eating rice i eat 2 cups a day and i never use to like it now its all im eating and it has so many carbs ugh wtf but i cant stop eating it and i cant get this lightheaded dizziness head cloudness feel like ima puke feeling to go away. o and also my acid reflux is worse then it ever has been which is fucking weird as well ugh srsly fml and im always tired and so weak and i shouldnt b weak since ive been eating close to 1000 cals a day latley i shouldnt b weak at all but i am ihave to sturggle to get thru everyday. and being at work and on my feet all the time doestn help im always dragging its like i can balrey move some day it doesnt make nesense to me what so ever

3/22/10

so i broek my 3 month long no pruge streak on sat ugh i made it 3 months and then i fucked it up ugh i admit it felt good to do it again the high and the releif i felt after was just great i felt light and skinnier after but i know i cant keep doing that so i havent pruged since sat back on the no pruge streak thing i knwo i felt god wwhile i was doing it but the after affects arent worth it i swear i broke every blood vessesl in my face it was like one big ass bruise my coworker said it looked like i had freckles all over my face i even had some broken blood vessesl on my nekc as well
well they are healing but my face is still really red which i cant wati for that to go down

3/20/10

so now my boyfriend is gnna b watching me even closer caus eima stupid ass and told him i though iwas fat well i didnt say that pre say but u knw and heknows about my ed and he does make me eat every friday but he was letting me pick out my own food now cause he though i was getting better well now i guess i wont b picking out my own food life sucks

well last nite we ere talking and i havent seen him in 2 weeks cause he got hes wisdom teeth out and he asked me if i have been eating and what ive been eating

*so i go yeah ive been eating cant u tell and ive been eating rice and fruit and yogurt mostly
*and hes like what u u mean cant i tell and u have to eat nurtirtional stuff
*im like i dont want nurtiritonal stuff i just dnot want it
*hes like u think ur big dont u
*i nod my head yes im like im up tpo the weioght u wanted 109
*hes like ur not bug ur not and my opinion is the only one that matters so just stop dont pull this not eating shit again ur not big ur fine

ugh fml i gotta get this weight off last nite he made me heat some cheese fries, half my turkey club melt snadwhich, the fries that went with it, a mint cookie curnch blizzard, and some of hes brownies from hes sundea

ugh i know its alot of foood and it sucks and im fat and gross and jsut ew god i need to b in double digits asap

2/17/10

i take benadrly but it just stops the tihcing for a lil and it makes me really tired and im always tired as it is since i barely sleep

andi i know i have to stop scratchign cause i prob already gave myself a bacterial infection from scratching the damn bites open



so i went out yesterday to targer and bought 3 bins thinking that that would b enojugh for my books and clothes and dvds andmags man was i wrong i cant even get all my books in one bin so i have to go out today and buy more and bigger ones and then wash all my clothes and fold and but them in the bins and store them some where ihate this it fucking sucks balls ugh like wtf its gonna take me days to get everything outof there

on a brighter note while i was at target yesterday i found this cutest dress its plaid and light and airy and has a bow in the back ima wear it over along lseeve shirt and jeans cause even though its in the 60's outside its still to cold for me to wear just a dress

and i have my 2 lil cousins today as well i think we might go to thepark that will b fun and very tiring


food log ffrom yesterda:

* 2 eggs-140
* 1 piece wheat toast-90
* 2 cups popcorn-50
*cup of pinapple-75
* cajun rice- 420
*ice cream-150


drinks

*cup of tea-0
*liter of water-0
*2 diet cokes-0
*hazelnut coffee drink mix thing-5

3/15/10

ugh u guys have no idea what i have been going thru and i dont really feel like explaining it all cause rly i dont even fucking now but there could b a reason y i have been eating so much andm y no matter how much i dirnk im still dehryadtred and how im light headed adn dizzy even after i eat my 1000 cals a day or y my head is always cloudy and if what i have is whati have then ima get very sick and its scary but i cant go to the docs cause i dont have insurance and i cant afford to go to the er even when ppl beg i still cant go godi fucking hate this im tired of it im tired off all the red marks and the bumps and the itching and swelling adn the pain its not fun and idk what to do nemore and no its ed related just for u know

3/11/10

food log:
*blueberry oatmeal-130
*vanilla yogurt-60
*mixed veggies-240
*blackberry yogurt-60
*can of progresso light chicken noodle soup- 140
*strawberry yogurt-60

drinks:
*cranberry raspberry fuze-10
*one 1 liter bottle of water-0
*2 bottles of plain water-0
*2 bottls of water with wildcerry promgrante mix-0
*cup of tea-0
*32 oz foutnain diet coke(drinking now)-0

total cals consumed- 700

exercise:
* 65 min elly- 510
* over 10,000 steps taken- 252

total cals burned- 762

3/9/10

so i i was gonna update yesterday butmy computer completly crashed so i went out today and bought a new one i cant b without my computer for too long and i abs love my new one its smaller then my other one but thats ok i still love it its just so me and so perfect

and good news im on day 2 without cutting yay for that im just taking it one day at a time

food log:

*3/4 cup bran flakes-90
* strawberry banana yogurt-60
* blueberry yogurt-60
* 4 cups popcorn-100
* peppermint patty-70
* chips-100
* green beans-90
* italian chicken-100

drinks
* 3 liter of water-0
* cup of tea-0
* diet snapple peach tea-0

total- 670 cals

exercise
* over 14,000 steps taken- 372

total cals burned- 372

net cals- 298