4/29/10

ok so i lamost blacked out like 3 times today it was crazy i shouldnt b blacking out ive been eating enough to keep me from doing that so idk mayb it was form the blood loss form cutting last nite or form the fact that my body is just weak as fuck and that im always sick who the fuck knows

well the first time was on the treadmill at the gym i just went to walk on it at a slight incline for an hour and readm y book caus i know that my body coudlnt handle much more then that aobut half way thru i got dizzy and almost feel off but i stayed on and was fine the rest of the time

the second time was when i was parking at the store after the gym i had to run to walmart to pick something up well i was parking my car and i swear i had my foot on the break and was pressing it and it felt like the car was stsill moving but i guess in all it was me that was moving it was my body that was moving forward and blacking out

the third time was when igot to work to dorp the stuff off b4 i went home to shower b4 my shift i was getting out of my car i got really dizzy and had to grab on i walked into work and sat down right on the floor my coworker(she knwos about my ed) is like so im guessing u arent feeling well

food:

breakfast
* dry bran flakes
* yogurt

lunch
*rice and veggie soup
* robin eggs( damn candy so fucking addciting)

dinner

* nature valley bars dark choc and nuts( had the pack 2 bars in a pack)
* 100 cal pakc of almonds with w light dark choc dusting

i drank a liter water bottle 2day and always 1 normal water bottle, had a bottle of vitamin water 0 the acai-blueberry- promgranate flavor, and bottle of coke zero cherry

4/27/10

sop i didnt sleep at all last ntie i was having the worst stomach pains ever it was the front of my stomach and the right side it was bad and it has to b bad for me to say its bad cause i have the highest pain tolerance ever trust me. im the girl who walked on a borken ankle for months til it healed so yeah last nite was bad as fuck. at about 4 am i was srsly thinking about going to the er but that thought came and went cause i coudlnt drive myself the pain was so bad and ididnt wanna wake ne 1 up so yeah i didnt go

breakfast
*hot promgrante green tea


lunch
* 2 serving chicken noodle soup
* home made choc chip cookies(just a few my mom was bugging me all day to eat them)
* lil ice cream


dinner
* small chicken pot pie soup
* saltines


drank a liter of water today well a lil more acutally casue i have a liter water bottle and i drank thats plus one and half of the normal size bottles


i also haveing a coke zero sitting next to me thats ima drink after im done eating my dinner


gonna try and do crunches tonite if my stomach will let me i didnt get to the gym this monring cause i was so sick ugh i need a work out

4/24/10

ok so gorup is now down to once a month thats what me and the boy have agreed on he doesnt really want me going at all but we agreed on once a week

so i wake up this moringj ust planning on having a banana and granola bar then go tot he gym yeah well my heart was just a mess this morning like it was freaking out so bad so i had the banana and granola bar and also a lil brownie and 3 small cookies ugh i hate myself right now even though it was the right thing to do for my heart


i still went to the gym did elly for 45 mins on a hill workout level 5 and burnt 330 cals i know it prob didnt burn all of my breakfast i dk howmany cals the cooloes or the brownie was but i hope i at least burnt a good part of what i ate

my cousins wedding is today and im still fat as hell ugh 109 lbs taht is just gross and fat and disgusting and ive never been much of a dancer so its not like i will burn cals doing that but my meal is the vegetarian option so it shouldnt b to many cals i hope not at least

i'll let u guys know how it goes tomm though

my legs are killing me an dmim so tired im drinking a skinny water the orange kind its acutally really good and not cals so even better

4/21/10

ok so ima keep going to group not every week but prob every other

i just feel like i have to prove myself though that since all these girls have been in treatment i feel like i have to get smaller and msaller and sicker and sicker

but the girls were nice an di got to meet my friend love u friend u really have been the best

and hopefully eventually i want get lost going there or back nemore lol im horrible with directions even with a gps

food:
* strawberry and cream oatmeal
* yogurt
* grean beans
* veggie burger no roll
* animal crakcers
* ice cream(ugh shouldnt of had that)

exercise
* 65 min on elly- 483
* over 10,000 steps taken- 262

4/20/10

so i went to the support group and idk if i reallly belong there i feel like so out of place its crazy like they are all talking about their recovery and the treatment they went through and how everything is holding up for them and i have none of that ive never been in treatment ive never had ne of that and i have no deisre to recover what so ever


like i meet some really nice girls there and i would love to go again just to c them but idk ifi should i dont know if i belong im so confused right now

like it was nice meeting ppl who have been thru the simialr stuff that i have been thru but i still dont feel like i belong there at all i feel like im not sick enough to go there to sit there with those ppl

idk what to do

4/19/10

so tomm is the support group i was all telling u about im nervous but excited at the same time im scared shitless that no1 is gonna like me and that im gonna b the fatest one there but im also happy aobut meeting ppl lik eme that understand everything that i dont have to explain nething too

i ended up cutting last nite i tried to figth off the urge but ti didnt work to well so i have 3 lines on my inner arm one is deep and idk how ima hide them at the wedding i have to go to on sat mayb i can get away with a long sleeve shrit under my dress or a long sleeve shirt and a skirt

today was going well food wise until my sugar started dropping at work and i was sahking for hours so when i got home i ended up eating some ice cream and a granola bar i know i need like a candy bar bu ti cant eat a candy bar theres no fucking way im eating a candy bar

ive been going tot he gym alot lately i went sat sun and also today i cant go tomm working all day then got the group but ima go again wed and prob thrusday

i want all this weight off and i want it off now i hate being this fat self of a person i wanna b fragile and delicate and breakable

4/17/10

so im just a jumble fucke dup mess at the moment the talk last nite with the boy didnt go well i tol dhim about the support group thinking that he will b happy thati m going and yeah n o he wasnt he didnt understand y i had to go when im fine casue im eating im like im not fine and i dont eat enough hes like but ur eating so u cant b sick im like anorexics eat hesl ike i know u have an eating disorder but still y do u need to go to a group ur fine hesl ike ur not fat like u think u are ur skinny and i know ur worried about ur stomach just go tot he gym more u dont go enough neway so go more and eat healthy dont eat ne junk unless ur with me casue thats fine then but just wrok out more it will make ur head feel better im like i ma fat do u not see it im 110 i tried to get btter for u i did it foru and i dont like it i hate the way i look hes like u can go 2 105 103 at the lowest but u arent allowed to go lower then that and then he said if u wanna go to the group then go but thaose girls are gonna drag u down they have problems im like i have a problem and heslike well they will b worse but if its gonna make u better then go but i didnt know u were slipping again u are eating so ur fine im like i the group is all i can do right now i cant afford treatment hes like treatment u dont need treatment ur fine ur not that sick


o god that comment pissed me off ima show him sick o am i ever gonna show him i try to explain it to him but he doesnt listen he never fucking listens like i just want him to try and understand but he wont casue he thiks he knows it all and he thinks that i can contorl it when really i can its fucking impossible to contorl it so ima get sick so sick ima show him

4/13/10

so i havvent had a chance to write my rules yet work was so damn busy but ima try and do them later tonite or at least tomm

food:
*3/4 cup dry bran flakes
*blackberry yogurt
*small apple w/cinnamon
*handful of jeally beans
*homemade pizza(toritilla, sauce, vegan cheese, peppers, vegan pepproni)
*honey wheat pretzels(havent had yet but prob will so writng it down just in case)

i took over 12,000 steps today so that burnt 326 cals so yay yay

4/12/10

yeah so me and 2468 diet doesnt work very well together i cant follow diets at all id rather have my own rules and plans and have complete contorl of everything so wjhen i get some time ima write my own rules and exercise plans and just everything

and also acid refluz and diet coke dont mix very well at all i drank 2cans today and it just made me so so sick and it made my acid refluz 100 times worse then it already was. so ima do some reserch and write down all the acidic foods and drinks and avoid them like a plaque

food:
*pear
*asain style sitr fry microwavable veggies
* 5 pickles
* 2 cups celery
* lil cake icing
*honey wheat pretzels

exercise:
*65 ming walking on tready random workout level 10 speed between 3.0-3.2- 274
*4.928 miles walked(over 11,000 steps-281

4/11/10

so tomm i decided that ima start the 2468 diet my one ana buddy convinced me to do it thanx meghan ur the best and then i got my other buddy meg to do it as well

im sitting here trying to plan out the 200 cals its so hard i know i can do it im going thruthe food that we have around the house and its just hard cause everything is so high cal but i will so figure it out

today i walked 6.6 miles i really wanted to go to the mall so i decided that walking thre would b better then driving there so 2.7 miles there then 2.7 back and then also walking around the mall. i got a dragonfly necklace from h&m and 4 tshirt from this new store that opended there called strawberry all size small. ive fallen in love with that store all ready its just so different and amazing

so i gotta go do more crunches and try and figure out my plan for tomm and also hope tha tmy heart doesnt go all nuts on me again tonite

love u all

4/8/10

so i spent all day being bugged by my mim she drove me fuckng nuts u have no fucking idea god she just wouldnt shut up dani eat this dani eat that dani u need sugar dani have a candy bar dani u need meat

news flash mother fuck off leave me alone its like fuck already u normally dont give a shit about me fuck i coudlnt compeltey stop eating and u wouldnt notice(yes that has happend 7 days no food and she didnt even notice) god she needs to fuck off idk y she is caring all of a sudden im not use to it ugh fucking hell

so i checke dmy blood sugar this morning(its what caused the hole dani this and that rant thing ihad to deal with formmy mother) u all know that i havent been feleing well and my bor has diabetis so the stuff is all here so i checked it and my sugar was 84 which is low it could explain the holw almost passing out a million times yesterday

i still feel blah but moatly tired and my stomach hurts but o well im hanging in there my heart has freaked out a lil today drives menuts but i gotta deal with it cause im not going to the docs to b judged my then idk if im having organ failure or what ever the fuck is wrong with me im not going i can keep myself alive

food log:
* 2 teddy grahams
* 2 jelly beans
* 5 chunks of peaches
* few lil pieces of cheese
* 2 crakcers
* green beans
* ice cream(shared with my lil cousin)

yeah so i babysitted today soi m sure i burned off most of that if not all of it cause me and the 3 yr olf just ran around play ing tag and trying to cathcing butterflies then playing hide and seek wiht bean bags yeah we make up our own games then taking care of a 5 month old enough said

4/7/10

so im just getting worse sick wise my heart and chest are getting funny feelings all thet ime my sotmach pains are coming back ugh this just sucks ass ugh

i almost passed out twice 2day once while i was dying my hair and once at work. i got really really hot all of a sudden and i started shaking and my heart went all weird and i got chest pains idk how i managed to not pass out but i did it yay me but it wasnt fun at all

i forced myself to go for a walk today i swear i almost feel 10 times cause i got dizzy and then i coudlnt concentrate so i almost walked in to things as well ima mess i swear but i got my walk in i even got to swing on the swings for a lil love the swings

food:
*strawberry yogurt-60
*mixed veggies- 240
*jelly beans-?
*2 cups green tea with promgrante-0
*1 cup green tea with blueberry-0
* 2 bottles ofwater-0

exercise
*8.418 miles walked(over 18,000 steps)-539 cals burned

4/6/10

ok so today i was nasuous the hole time i just wanted to stick my finger down my throat and throw up just to get the feeling to go away but i didnt casue then i would relapse with my mia an di dont want that so i dealt with the nausousa(sp) the best that i could

then i had stomach pains yup again all day and it wasnt constant it was like shaprt pains every so often it would b in the middle one time they the left side next to my rubs then my right side by my hip godi m a mess

and i got dizzy earlier as well and got really hot then really cold ugh

food log:

*apple
*blueberry yogurt
*cup of cantalope
*raspberry yogurt
*1/4 cup granonla
*vegan chicken patty
*cup fo green beans
*tortiallo
*jelly beans


had like 3 cups of tea so far today and one bottle of water

im so tired and exhausted all i wanna do it lay down but i gotta make my stomach hurt mmore by diong curnches casue im a fat fuck and my stomach is huge ugfh

4/5/10

height weight and measurments
i guess i should post those again since its been awhle and i have gained some

heaight- 5'5

weight-109 lbs

measurements

waist- 24.5 in
hips- 30 in
ankle- 7 in
calf 11.5 in
thigh- 16.5 in
wrist- 5.5 in
upper arm- 9-5 in
neck-12 in


so far today i have eaten tangerine with strawberry yogurt and granola and then ihad some choc covered peanuts and i know i should of had them
as soon as i finish my tea im go to the gym and try to work some of i t off even though i still feel really sick ugh

4/3/10

so yesterday i did good eating wise i had peach yogurt some granola and a banana for breakfast then i skipped lunch went to a hockey game with the boyfriend and hes 2 freinds he made me sahre some fries with him then have a snack i had a choc dipped ice cream and thats all i ate yesterday

im still feeling really sick and weak and its hard to move most of the time but i have to pforce myself to the hcest pains hurt but are that freguent so i can deal and i still get bad stomach pains but its not constant soi guess thats that

me and the boyfriend had a nice talk last nite about my ed he says as long as i eating he will pretty much leave me alone that ih ave to eat everyday and it cant just b fruit whish is fine i have this low cal pizza recipe thati got from dollparts and i make them sometimes and i have vegan burgers and chicken patties. is aid that i did wanna eat as many cals as ihave been he said to eat what i feel comfortable with but i have to b eating he wants me to try and eat on a scheudle i told him i would try but at least he will b off my back for a lil its just on fridays i still have to eat with him and an said i can eat what ever i want when im with him so ima try and not let my ana completley take over on fridays when i an with him
i did tell him i was sorry that he had to deal with all my issues he said it was ok that we woiuld get thru it together

at least now i can lose some weight thank god ive been at 109lbs for way to long i need to get it off