4/29/11

sorry no outfit pic today as u can tell since im blogging right now im not out witht he boy im not with him at all he went out with hes friends tonite and we are hanging out tomm instead but tomm ihave to work 1-930pm so we wont get to spend much time together and i miss himl ike crazy i havent talked to him since last friday i jsut wanna hear hes voice and i wan thimt o hole me for i can finally sleep and for my crazy head would give me a break but nope i wont its ok though he needs friend time i dont mind being by myself i hate being around alot of people id rather b in my room all by myself but i still miss him and wish that he was here with me

i had to work today 10-6 yes it was a long day and my voice isnt back yet and after awhile of talk in start to squek and whisper its bad at one point my managers just said stop just stop talking and they took me off the register and let me just b on the floor and when i would try to talk they would just say enough shut up ur not allowed to talk i have been this way since sat so its going on a week now i just wish my voice was back already

they make fun of me cause i sound so bad its just ugh and they are like ur alwasy sick how r u alwasy sick everytime the weather changes ur sick and ur alwasy cold its cause ur too tiny

idk where they get the too tiny from im far from that i stepped ont eh scale this moring back up to 107 ugh wtf y the fuck did that happen how the fuck did that happen

i had a chance to not eat dinner tontie since i didnt have to but i fucked that up and ate to much ugh fuck me

well im int he process of redoing one section of my lil wall. yes i have posters and drawings and everyhing all over my walls so i decided that i would redo one section of it this is what i got so far




it says "never give up" at the top and then the quote "it is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light" at the bottom

im stil not completely done with it yet but thats whati got so far

and i also bought some stuff at work its buy one get one half off thre right now so i got 2 pairs of flip flops adn 2 clearance shirts here are teh shirts




i know i owe u guys a bunch of thinpso posts since im behind there an di gotta answer the comments on my last couple postings as well i promse i will get to that

love u all

4/27/11

im in love with this weather spring has finally hit new jersey and i cant b happier spring ismy fav season followed closley by summer
i love srping its warm but not to warm its just like perfect today it was in the 70's and i was perfectly fine and content in my jeans long seelve thermal and flip flops thats the perfect weather for me when i can go outside in that outfit and just b perfect not hot or cold just content and happy

ppl at work looked at me like i was crazy to wear that since it was so hot out but thats just perfect for me they dont understand that i am colder then most ppl i was even in a long sleeve shirt yesterday in 80 degree weather i had shorts on though but god i was just so happy that spring has finally got here it really helps brighten my moods

im tired of ppl making fun of me i can barely talk my voice is so raspy and i squick its bad u should hear me if i sotp talking for awhile its not to bad but once i start talking and the more i talk the worse it gets

i had customers at work tell me today how horrible i sound i had one coworker tell me to go home yeah i might sound bad but i dont feel bad i kicked the first part of the sickness i just cant talk nomral yet and from talking all day at work my throat is sore but im not in pain im on 3 aleve a day instead of 6 thats grosss there yeah i still feel the stuff dripping down my throat but o well

but i dont understand y ppl have to make fun of me for it my family laughs at me my one manager at work coudlnt even recognize me on the phone and said i need a new doc since im always sick hes like it seems like whenever the weather changed even the slightest ur sick

yeah that might b true but the turht i smy immune system is shot from my eating disorder and there is nuttin i can do about it i just deal with it yeah it sucks but u kinda get use to being sick all the time like i dont now how it is to feel healthy i just dont know and i prob will never know o well

i had my lil cousins yesterday and since i didnt have to work i spent 7 striaght hours with thme and it was the best 7 hours ever yeah i was completely ehxhasted after wards and ate to much but it was so so worth it

i got a shrot nap in with N he acutally fell alseep on me and i was missing my lil cuddle bug so i left him there while i layed down he slept over an hour i only slept like 30 mins but i kept waking up to make sure he was ok u know what i mean and yeah i didnt cathc him fast enough when he fell one time hes all over the place so he has a bruise on hes face from falling into the rocking chair that kid is just to damn fast

i spent alot of time outside with them we most of took like 3 walks we spent idk how many hours outside it was really fun ihave them tomm as well but i have to go into work at 2 so i will have them prob from liek 930-130 then my mom will have them fomr 130-300 then they get picked up

i havent gotten to c water for elephants yet my sis was home for easter but she has so much school work to do that we didnt get a hcance to go b4 she had to go back and then eysterday i had teh kids and im working the rest of the week so blah i really wanna c it though

but bright side iw as out with my sister and she was lookingin jcpenny i was browsing the clearnace racks and found long sleeve thermals witht he thumb holes for $1.97 i so bought 3 of them yay me :)

also go tmy self 4 more bags of jelly beans i really gotta kick that habit a box of tricsuit(idk y i eat them they fucking wreck my stomach) gum and a cute dress form target yay go me

i really think im a fucking maschostic or soemthing like damn i cause myself pain so many times cause i think i deserve it i eat food that i know will make me sick and in pain and i do it on purpose cause i fucking deserve it cause im a fat ass gors smothering elephant and i desrve to b in pain

food log for today got it was o much food hate myself

*mango
*5 mayb 7 handufl jellybeans
*lipton cup of soup srping veggie
*frui bowl(cup cantalope, banana, apple)- ididnt eat it all thers was still a few pieces of banans and some apple in there but my tummy statted to hurt
*3 pieces choc
*bowl of my speical macroni salad
*2 many triscuits

yup c fat ass and im scared to step on the scale fuck me

4/25/11

do u guys think im a fake? that my recovery was all just a made up scheme that i was just fooling myself into it or sometihng?

thats nt really making sense but my head is a mess but im starting to think that i was fooling myself thati m just a fraud that i dont really have an ed cause really no1 cares no1 notices the doctors could care less about my weight so really im not sick that the recovery was all just a haux of something mayb im just normal mayb all that i do to myself is normal i dont have a problem im perfectly normal

al the thoughts the voices the cutting and the pills the binging and the purging the over exercising the fasting and the restricting is all just normal cause there is no way that im sick cause if i was sick ppl would notice ppl would care ppl would wanna help me

but nope i dont get help cause im not sick im 5'5 and 106 lbs im not sick im not 25 percent under my weight now even close i would have to b 93 lbs for that i still get my period even though its fucked up even ont he pill my doc never says nething i have high cholestrol and high blood pressure i have dehyradtion and IBS my bloood work always comes out fine i guess idk he doesnt say enthing when he checked my cholestorl i knw it shows all the other stuff

my sickness and my chest pains my dizziness and my passing out my tiredness and fatique is all just for nuttin cause im healthy and fine and a happy person who doesnt have depression or anxiety who doesnt cut ur pain away or who use to drown it away with alcohol and pills

so am ij ust a fake a wannabe? i hate the wannabes but what if i am one of them ive never been diangnoed never been hospitalized never been sick enough to warrant that attention i guess

even if the boy does say hes gonna take me to the hosptial at times but u know what he doesnt cause he knows there isnt nething they can do cause im not sick

*****************************************************************

ok no for how my day is going
im sick again i can barely talk at least my throat isnt hurting as bad as it was but i can still barely talk my nose si stuffy and everytime i sniffle or try to breathe too hard i can feel the stuff dripping into my thorat i know what that is i have post nasal drip again an di need yet anotuh nasal spray but yeah im not going ive already had 2 this year i can deal with the nasal sprays nemore obv they arent helping so whats the point of going to the doc

i trie dto go for a walk yesterday but i was jsut so tired i was lagging behind my sis and mom and they keep saying come on dani u can do it like i was a 5 yr old im not a 5yr old i just wasnt feeling well but i did manage to make it thru the walk

easter wasok it wasj ust like a normal day in my house expcept my mom cooked we didnt go out to visit family fuck we didnt even eat as a family i ate in my room i had boiled potatoes and half spoonfuls of corn, 2 sppoonfuls of green beans and lil piece of turky. i snacke don a lil choc thru the day which made me run tot he bathroom but hey i was feeling bloated enway so it worked in my favor think i snackedon some nature valley bars and jelly beans as well idk i dont remmeber

i wanna go to the gym but idk what my body can handle so i have been laying in bed all day reading ive read like 3 fanfics in 2 days yes i read alot

i wen tot the store yesterday got capri suns, 2 mango, 2 cantalopes, and lipton cup of soups spring veggie flavor

i still have to get apples and bananas yes and ingredients to make my glutne dairy free macaroni salad. i spent alot of time online yesterday tyring to figure out what i wanted to amek and coudlnt decide on what to make and since its finally starting to get warmer out here i decided on the macroni salad

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unbeautiful-thanx hun and coloring eggs was fun

struggle to b thin- i am lukcy to have hium ur right

stfusarah- i knew that shirt was from there i work there i stare at all the clothes all day long

sarah-thanx hun

a-i am so following u again what happend that u got found out?

zette-yes i do burn alot of cals running after those 3 lil monsters but i love them its all worht it in the end and i will def let u know whant i get around to reading them

danea- nah no daycare for me i love kids but i feel weird watching other ppls kids those 3 monster are my cousins i feel so ocmfortable around them

acka11- so u know hwo i feel at the end of the day then

4/23/11

outfit




this is what i wore last nite out with the boy i weighed 106 that moring yes the scale keeps going up and down and its driving me nuts i wish it would just go down not down then up then down again and then up again ugh wtf is up with that idk

but i worked 10-6 yesterday and it was a crazy day cause the company was doing like 5 different specials at one time and now could b combined it was a nightmare and ppl kept getting mad at me liek fuck what do u wnat me to do about it but thats the life of retail ugh but it made the day go buy realy quickly but i talked so much that my throat hurts ugh

but the boy came over at like 730pm and we watched the flyer i fell alsssp for like 10 miuntes ive just been so exhausted lately manely cuase i havent been sleeping but the lfyers lost in overtime like fuck thats just fucked up ugh they have to win tomm

the boy said i have to sleep mor ei know i have to sleep more but i told him icoudlnt help it it was my stomach he though it was cuase iwasnt eating againb ut its cause i am eating and im in pain so he backed off a lil after that but i knwo that istill need to sleep more im barely getting by

but he said he was really thinking about taking me to the hosital last wkd cause i lookekd so cik im like there nuttin they could of done for me he said that he knew that thats y he didnt take me

but i think im getting sick again idk im hot like hot hot an dits cold out my throat hurts my hole body hurts when istand up i feel like ima fall down my head is cloudy my nose si stuffy fuck this like im alwasy sick cause i fucked up my immune system so bad

well this was just a quick post i work 430-930 today then i have 3 days off and the boy says i should enjoy them relax go to the gym i really need those days off

well ima color eggs with my sis love u all

4/21/11

so i rememebered today y i dont take laxatives nemore my body jsut cant take it nemore after abusing them for so long then stopping and then my health going done yea i cant do it nemore
i took 8 of them last nite 8 was sually nuttin for me but i took 8 and then i was up at 5am which isnt unusual for me nemore but i was acutally sleepign the cramping woke me up it was so bad and iw as so nasouses like really bad nasoues i wound up getting up tiwce to run tot he bathroom but then i just felt so sick i coudlnt do it so i took some pepto that only worked for a lil i think i went like 4 more times after that til they fianlly stopped working and my chest wasnt on fire yeah not taking them for awhile again

i guess theo combo of my ibs and then the laxs was not the best idea in the world
but neway i was 107 lbs yesterday wheni weighed myself this moring i was back to 105.4 c laxs are good for soemthing at least now ij ust gotta keep my weight going down

i had the kids today and let me tell u i am exhasuted u have no idea how much of a handle they are N crawls all ver the place now and he pulls himself up when hes holding on to things he tries to standon hes own but we gotta catch him cause he alwasy falls so he never sit stills nope never

B is just always all over the place he ahs to do what everyone else is doing and then P just likes to tire me out thats the first thing she alwasy says is ima tire dani out today and turst me she alwasy does andshe loves to jump on me too she calls it attacking me and her newest thing is jumping on the legs and then standing up on them and after awhile it really does start to hurt but its so worth it

we did so much today after it warmed up i took P and B out for a walk it was still a lil too windy to take N out but we took a nice slow walk around the block i was a lil cold but i would do nething for those kids

and then it eventually did get warmer and we all went outside we but N in the stroller and he was so tired cause he was fighting sleep so he had to keep moving i must ofpushed him around the yard like idk 5-10 times and then ma took over

me and P palyed tag at first and then she wanted to do gymnastics she takes classes has since she was lil she can do a cartwell a back bend a forward roll and a handtand so we had to do that together and we had to copy each other it got dizzy but it was nice to do that again i cant do ne of the hard stuff ne more but i still got my cartwheel, roundoff, handstand, handstand forward roll, front walk over, back walkover, and front handspring. i didnt even attempt to do my backhandpring or roundoff handrping or tuck i use to b able to tumble so good i had a full and an arabian at one point back in high school god i miss being able to do that

ok back tot he kid we also had to paly on the slide which mean running up it yes we teach the kids bad habits o well we run up slides its fun so we had to run up tehm and slide down them i got a pretty good workout outside id have to say

we palyed more games inside as well an di cant tell u how many times i had to walk up and down the hall today trying to get N to go to sleep i cant even guess
but we did watch tv mostly spongebob that show dirves me nuts but the kids like it so we watched that and icarly some clifford and curios george we drew pictures on the computer and did races and a shit ton of other stuff as well

i just got done cleaning up my room al il it was a disaster and i work 8 hours tomm i wont have time to clean it b4 the boy comes over so i had to do it now and i also hhave to find the concentration to llok for jobs i need a real full time big girl job one with set hours and wont run me down so eaisly so i will have to do that today

heres my foodlog so far today

breakfast
*mango
*lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*mint hot green tea
*water

with kids
*capri sun
*bottle of water
*bowl of chips
*5 pieces of home made easter candy

im dirnknig water right now idk what ima have for dinner yet if i eat it idk im still thinking i gotta wake up a lil first though

but yay my books that i ordered off of amazon came in today that made me happy




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unbeautiful- the top and bottoms are seperate they dont go together they had bottoms that matched the top but i dont like to b matchy matchy so i went with the black bottoms and i dont like string bottoms either and the matchy ones were string so

A- yeah i was down that low its been a long time years since i have seen those 80 numbers

kitkat- thanx hun i just dont see it

acka11-yeah ih ave to workout it keeps me i=sane i would go completely crazy if i coudlnt

anna- thanx hun and yeah i like my tat as well

danae-thanx hun i wish i coud c what u guys c

anoyomous- thanx huunny

needlesedge-thanx

4/20/11

guess who finally broke done and bought a bathing suit today i havent owned one in years an dimean years they scare they everliving fuck out of me but i bought one 2day just cause the boy said i should get one for when we go on vacation

so im taking a huge step here and showing u guys my suit and yes im wearing it and i was 107 lbs this morning this is what recovery did to my body im just so fat and gross an dmy stoamch needs a shit ton of work doen on it i need my stomach to b conccaved instead of blugging out at the lower part like it is now ijust need to lose like idk how much weight i would love double digits

but neway time to face the music here it is im sorry if my gross body revolts ppl




i worked 12-7 2day and ij ust kpet moving i had 3 fitting room shifts and normaly i spend my time standing there just u know doing nuttin taking a break from the ringing and talked to ppl and just all that retain entails but i decided that i would keep moving while i was in there i was so tired by the time i got outof there

my chest is starting to hurt again and i kept rubbing it al day i know the rubbing doesnt help it much but it makes me feel better well myhead feel better at least
andmy lungs are starting to hurt again i getting thta pain again n my back right were my ribs are o my lovely body is really drivving me nuts y can tit just stopped hruting for alil while

they asked me to work tomm but i told them it was my only day off this week so they said it was fine that i should enjoy my day off

i had the kids al il in the morning well ihad them for 2 hours and they completley tired me out P kept jumping on me she likes to beat up crazy girl N is all over teh place he is crawling now and he pulls himself up and B is hes just typical self

i have them tomm as well and i dont work so its me and the 3 of them well my mom will b there too but i get o sepnd hours with themand i just cant wait

so i kinda thought of a new plan its not like concrete or enthing but i was thinking that i could do half a protein shake for one meal and then another half of a protein shake for another meal and then a semi normal meal for the other idk if i will do that all the time but its something at least

________________________________________________________________

thin is everything- yeah i work alot and its retail so im constanly on mmy geet so i have to eat a li lmore just for i dont pass out in the store

anoyomous- i know i work alot but i have to in order to pay the bills

A- i do what i have to to get by u alwasy dow hat u have to no matter what

mich-yes my luandry is clean but its still not folded lol

4/19/11

i really have to stop eating so much weight this morning 106.6

food log for today
*mango
*lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*5 handful jelly beans
*protein shake(3 tbps mix, cup almond milk, banana)
*snack size bag of lays chips
*2 servings mashed potatoes
*2 servings cold pees
*cake icicng

i know way way way tomuch food
i try to restrcit i try to eat less but then i just get so weak and nasoues and dizzy and mmy heart starts to go crazy and i almost pass out no i woulndt mind the passing out part but i work so much and normally the dizzy and alomst passing out spells have been happening at work and i cant afford to pass out there

u wanna know my work schedule for the week
*sunday-11:30am-6:30pm
*monday-5pm-930pm(covered for a coworker)
*tuesday-11am-6pm
*wednesday-12pm-7pm
*thursday- only day off but im babysitting
*friday-10am-6pm
*saturday-5pm-930pm

yes i work alot and its very exhausting and very tirirng buti need the money i am barely getting by as it is

and i thinkmy body is trying to say my something cuase look at me im alwasy sick and the doc keeps running test and it all comes back clear so idk maybe my body is trying to warn me that if i dotn stop what im doing something really bad is going to happen idk is that a werid or bad way to think but fuck guys im alwaasy sick and naosues dizzy chest pains heart palpitations stomach pain and cramps and just ugh everything so mayb it is trying to tell me something

now i should of went to the store after work and got more lipton cup of soups but instead i got 3 pairs of flip flops from work a black pair, a pale yellow pair and a bright green pair

ima have to ry on bathing suits from there soon b4 all my sizes are gone i thin i will do thaton my break tomm i found a cut one i like u can mix and match the tops and bottoms soim thinkng a black bottom and abright top the top i like has a birght pink flower on it kinda likea hawaiian style its really cute and bright

god i really gotta flod my laundry i did it yesterday and its still in my basket waiting too b folded at least i put my sheets on my bed last nite b4 i went to bed

and god i am bruising so bad again i have a huge bruse on my knee caseu ihit it against my bed and its 2 seperate bruises and theni have one of my arm as well its healing a lil though like a yellowish color but that one i walked into a tstand at work u think i woudlnt know it waas there nope walked right into it

ok its time to watch the new one trell hill yay and then 16 and pregnant at 10
love u all

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anna-sorry i didnt mean to disappear for that long the cardies are acutally purple and orange i love ur art its so good

anonoymous- i wish my stomach would sort itself out as well

desepree-i try to do that but then my almost passing out happens more i say almost cause im always on the verge of passing out but i stop myself and yeah i gotta make better choices im just always on the run or always working i hate being rushed

pixiestix-thanx hun my legs could b smaller though

kitkat- thats the life of a retail worker ugh i feel like i owe u guys the response cause u guys are always there for me

mona- ur welcome hun im always here for u :) and thanx so much for the award

mich-ha ur so funny u know i love me my flyers

bella- my stupid bmi wentup hate myself

sarah- yay for purple

4/17/11

hey guys sorry that i disappeared for a few days there i really didtn mean to life can just b really hetic and ima have alo t of blogs to catch up on idk if i will b able to get caught up on all of them but i will try its like what 3 days wroth damn thats alot

but ive been sick my stomach just hasnt been my friend at all lately not one bit ive been nasouses for 3 days straight then u add in the pain and the cramping the bloating and the gas and the acid coming up and just all of it its not good at all the boy says i look sick cuase im so nasoues but i really cant do nething about it i just cant there nuttin really the docs can do for it theres no cure fo r it so i jsut deal i was so close to throwing up at work today everytime i bent over it was torture 3 days of nasoueness its not a fun ordeal and its bad too like so bad u think ur gonna puke but u cant thats how bad it is

well friday i worked 11-7pm then i came home and showered and got dressed real wucik then wne tand picked up the boy and we met our friends at the bowling alley our friends brothers girlfriend works there so we got to bowl for free all we had to pay for was the shoes adn our drinks so that was good expcet i suck at bowling and my lil amrs are weak im not as storng as i use to b i was using the lightest ball and it still hurt my writst i started out good and then it just hurt to bad and i sucke di came in last everytime after that we went to applebees for dinner and then back to my house were we feel asleep ive been exhausted latley

saturday i worked 10-3 pm and it was reallly busy cause they had a 4 hour swim suit sale in teh morinng so it was crazy after tah ti just went over to my aunts house to c my aunts i havnet seen them in awhile so it was nice to c them. my cousin as ulcerative colitis and he kept saying that my stomach pain isnt the same as hes so it cant b that or ibs he kept saying i was pregnant im not pregnant but whateve3r saturday was a very nausouses day i ate a li too much and since the boy usually goes out i ate dinner but he didnt go out and he wanted food so i wnet with him and jsut got water and a milk shake the milkshake was a very bad decision so bad i was even more sick after that and he kept saying thati gotta get this stomach issues figured out cuase he doesnt want me sick all the time espcieally if we want to go on vacation over the summer but fuck thers nuttin i can do about it

today i worked 11-630 adn then went to target after were i got more pepto a 3 oack of extra dessert mint choc chip gum, 4 bags of jelly beans and cake icicng the vanilla kind ause thats made with soy not milk

i also wnet on amazon and order the first 3 morganville vampire books int eh series and also the complete twilight saga offical guide yay me

my eating has been al over the palce latey some days i eat barely nething adn others i eat way to much and thenothers its a lill less then nomral so idk whats going on nemore my head is just all over the place so ijsut take it day by day and c how it all turns out

im working alot this week i dont have off til thursday and its only one day off this week it would of been 2 but im covering for the one girl tomm she has a college rehearasl for her play and school is more important so im covering for her but its not till 5pm so i can go to the gym and get some stuff done during the day

ok pic time

outfit from friday( i look gross)




2 cardies ( i got them at work had a one day wonder other day)

4/13/11

so im gettinr eady to pain my nails im thinking black this time its time for something dark but i wanted to do a quick post real quick b4 i do it i odnt have much to say but i watned to respond to the comments on my last few blog spost sinci havent done them yet

but i worked 10-6pm today and my mom had my lil cousins i only got to c them for like 10 minutes b4 work makes me sad but those 10 minutes were the happiest minutes they make me smile

so im off to philly tomm flyers game yay

food log for today ugh i ate to much
*5 mini gluten dairy free choc chip pancakes
*handful skittles
*handful m&ms
*protein shake(3 tbps soy ptoein powder, cup almond milk 1 and half bananas)
*tricsuits- how may couldnt yell ya
* 5 handufl jelly beans

ok blog responding comments

* A- u have the voices too im sorry i know how much they suck recovery its been almost 2 months and i guess its not really full recovery cuase imnot getting help and i still purge and restrict but im trying

* kitkat-thanx hun im not good at relaxing but i try

* eggy123- r u getting help for ur recovery or r u just going at it alone like me?

* onmyway-ur lucky u only have one and thanx for always being there for me hun

* sarah- yeah im still here hun will alwasy b here and alwasy there for u too no idont hink its that woudlnt i know if it was that and yeah the voices are mean

* anoyonmous- im trying to not give up but its so hard to fight it everyday yes that qupte is right

* monika- its hard to not drown in the ed its alwasy there its been ther emy hole life its hard to fight thatno heard the canadian side is just spectaular so i hope we do go some year

* thin is everything- its all in my head hun its all there teh voces and the self laothing its alway there how do u fight soemthing thats alwasy there. i dont feel good in my clohtes though even fi i look thin

* anna-yeah i know thats theres never a solid answer and thers not need to wonder bout the what ifs but i alwasy do

* danae- yeah he really is the best guy ever alwasy there for me

* unbeautiful- thanx hun i know the qquote is right

* CE- thanx hun and i will i just dont wanna bug u allt he time hope ur well

* pixiestix- i know i wish some1 woudl jsut sacve me and make it all go away

* bella-thanx hun and im 5'5

* dying to be pretty- i alwasy get up ealry i have problesm sleeping so i dont sleep but or sleep in u get use to it after awhile

* skinny_el- iv ealwasy gotten up early so its nuttin new to me i have to watch it yet im so far behind in everything

* mich- i just love kids and im use to the vomit and gettign hrwon up on its nuttin new to me and yeah im alwasy up early ppl think im werid too i hate credit cards i feel like im never gonna b able to apy bthem off

4/12/11

i wish all the voices in my head would just shut up for 2 seconds and let me have a moment to myself in my own head
yes i have voices in there and yes they are real voices im not making it up i know that not everyone hears the voices but trust me they are there and they are real and they are driving me fucking insane at the moment and its not just one its mulitple ones just constatnly going and chatting away in there god shut up just for 2 seconds but yeah that will never ever happen but cant they at least just quiet down alil

sorry i dont have much to say my life isnt that intersting nemore i worekd 11-6 today came home ate tom uch now my tummy hurts and they voices are even more annoying
work annoys me cause im alwasy doing so much and most of the other employees dont do enthing they jsut stand around adn talk yes its retail but fuck y dont they get in trouble as soon as i stop its like danielle this and danielle that like give mea fucking break for fucks sake ugh

i found some1 tocover for me on thrusday yay for that i feel bad i hate haveing ppl cover for me thats y i even go to work when imsick cuase i dont wanna bug or put out other ppl u know what i mean

well i guessi shoudl post my food intake ugh not good
*lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*mango
*7 handful jelly beans
*bag of frozen green beans( i cooked them of course)
*handufl of skittles
*can of progresso light chicken vegetable rotini soup
*way to man triscuits

yes i know i suck and thats way way to much foood fucking recovery sucks can i just give up i hate it

4/11/11

do u ever just wonder y we do this to ourselfs? like i think about that all the time y do i do this to myslef y do i like the pain and the hurt so much. y do i eat food that i know is gonna just wreck my stomach y do i eat dairy when i do it makes me puke and y do i eat so much that im so nasouses and i have no other choice but to purge

yeah as u can tell my head is just a mess at the moment sorry
i purged yesterday woke up today with a heal of a sore throat a stuffy nose and i alil but of a bloody nose
i wanna purge now but my chest still hurts fromt yesterdays purge so im trying not too just laying here trying to distract myself

i went to the gym today burned 455 on elly and i cleaned my car a lil as well it was my nomral 3 hour car washing session its suppose to rain all week so ididnt wanna spend that much time on it just to have it rain but i got the inside all clean and all the dirt off of the outside and then i fucked it all up by eating

i rly dont have much to say my head is all confused
and i gotta try and find some1 2 work from me on thrusday the boy got tickets to the flyers game so now i gotta get some1 to cover for me and i was a stupid ass and said i coudlnt come in today when the one girl wanted me to cover for her but fuck its my first day off in days and i wanted to enjoy it i so should of went in god im such a stupid ass a stupid huge as hell fucking ass god dmanit hate myself

4/9/11

outfit



so thats the outift that i wore last nite i weighe din at 105.4 yesterday ugh the numbers all over the place and they are dirving me nuts

but neway he came over and we watched teh flyers game yes i like hockey ha :) and damn that but they lost in overtime
and they we went out the eat ended up going to tgi fridays and since stupid me mentined that i almost passed out the day b4 he said i should get something else to drink besides water to get some sugar in me so i got a strawberry lemonade an di drank too of them and im not suppose to have strawberries the acid in my tummy doesnt like them so yeah the acid kept coming up but yeah o well

he got these sesame chicken bites for appetizer cause he knows taht i like them so much he usually gets mozzy sticks or potato skins but since im dairy intolerance he tries to get soemthing that i can eat too hes nice like that love him so much

my meal waas the chicken piccata pasta its so good but god did it hurt so bad i only got a few bites in before ijust couldnt do it nemore i was so nasouses i really thoughi was gonna throw up i was just sitting there willing it not to come up and i coudl of easily went to the bathroom to throw up and he would never b the wiser casue he knew i wasnt feeling well but nopurging for me but i really though it was gonna come up on its own i hate my stomach i really so

and idk how he does it but he knows when my ed is really bothering me or has he puts it my head which is correct since it is mental health disease thing he kept asking all nite if i was ok and then when we got home he just pulled me to him and said ur head is bothering u alot again isnt it did u eat and sleep this week im like i eat i eat for u cuase it makes u happy hes like u shoudlnt eat for me u should want to eat for u fo ru can feel better and we can go away this summer and b ok so yeah we did have more of alil talk there i think hes starting to understand more

we are still trying to figure out what to do this summer we keep thrwoing around washington dc we wanna go somewehre but not somewehre that is more then like a 6 hour drive
and next year we are even talking about going to niagra falls like getting our passports and al and going into the canadian side as well

ok that was just a quicky update sinc emy head is all swirling around with thoughts and idk what im trying to say but thats what i got out love u all

couldnt be more true

that quote coudlnt b more true well in my opinon at least
sorry that im posing so much today itsj ustmy head is driving me crazy and im trying to distract myself for i dont do some thng stupid

4/7/11

so for once in godidk how many years i acutally slept thru my alarm as u knwo that rarely rarley happens since i barely sleep or never sleep and im alwasy up b4 my alarm but nope today i slept thru it

it wasnt that big of a deal considering that i didnt have to wo rk today but still i like to start my day off early yes i know im werid like that but neway i set my alarm for 5:45am for i could get up stretch relax a lil and read then make my protein shake and b out the door by 7 for the gym it also gives my tummy time to stop being an ass mornings arent good for me usually waking up running to the bathroom then downing some pepto

but neway yeah i set my alarm for 5:45 am and it went off i turned it off and layed there for a 2nd like i always do and then b4 i know it im jumping up cuasei knew soemthing was wrong an dits 6:45am fuck me so i jump outo fbed get to the bathroom down my pepto ha and run downstairs to make my protein sahke i did 3 tbsp soy protein mix(110) cup almond milk(35) half a mango(65) total= 210 not bad i coudl of dealt with then til i saw some of the cake my mom made still sittin gon the table its my fav italain like its a marble chiffon cake i had a peice of it last nite and it fucking wrecked my stomach but i coudlnt not have a another piece so i had a small piece this morning cals idk and im scared to look it up cause im sure its high as fuck and it will send me into a tailspin of a freak out but neway yeah i had that then ran to the bathroom again more pepto then got dressed to the gym wore long sleeve shirt soffe shorts and my knee hihg socks grapped my bag that had everyhing in it and then remeberedm y ipod ran downstaris thru water in my bag and grabbedmy shake and was ou the door at 7:30 am

i drink my shake on the way to the gym and i never finishit all cause it makes me feel so full so im still trying to drink it as i walk into the gym then i have to sit in the locker room and finish it but i do eventually get it done and then off to workout yay i really needed a work out i just did my normla 65mins on elly at level 5 and burned 452 cals so at least i burned something off this morining and i also tanned after as well for 8 mins so im feeling a lil better the stomach doesn hurt as mcuh cause the exercise does help it

but i just paid y credit card bills and realized that i really ahve no extra money til i get paid again and i just got paid this week so it means i wont get paid for another weeks god damnit it was just the miniumum payment on each of them but still my cards are high wichi makes the miniumum payment high so yeah and then i need gas in my car ugh fucking gas is so expensive and then money for when we go out to eat this wkd since we split everything which means i have no extra money i will have alil in my account but not much and my car insurance and car payment is do in 2 weeks so once i get paid again i will have to pay that so no food shopping for me next week and im almost out of fruit so i guess i will b eating the canned soup that i have but it just hurts my tummy so much but hey what am i gonna do i dont have the extra money so we do what we have to do im getting really tired of living paychecek to paycheck i wish ididnt have to worry about money so much but that and food is alwasy on my mind ofjust fucking lovley

but i had my cousins yesterday well not all 3 of them P had preschool and i had to work at 2 so ididnt get to c her at all and imiss my lil munchin so much but i got to c the 2 lil boys wow they got big N is starting to crawl alil and he sits up on hes own and rolls around on the floor its the cutest thing ever and B well hes still the same not talking much but we are working out it.

i was sitting on the floor with N rolling a ball well sorta rolling a ball back and forth best the lil guy could too but B was getting jealous cause i wasnt palying with him too so he kept throwing balls at my head and those fuckers hurt cause it would hit my glasses but it was cute and i love him neway and hes use to me playingwith him too so i understand were he came from so i palyed with both of them at the same time. of course i got thrown up on like firhg tb4 work so i had to run upstairs to get changed didnt have time for a 2nd shoer though but i got changed and B came upstairs with me netime i go upstairs he wants to come so i bring him with mei dont mind at all and hes so cute climibing up the stpes but damn its so hard trying to get ready when u got a 15month old getting into everything but he cracks me up i had to sithimon the counter when i was brushing my teeth and he ended up standing up so imholidng on to him and burhsing my teeth at the same time its all good though i love them andi would do nething for them he didnt want me to go and i wish that ididnt have to go but i did hopeuflly i will get to c them next week all 3 of them

i worked from 2-930 yesterday then called and wanted me to come in at 1230 yeah i said no i have a long enough day as it was and trust me i was exharusted by the time i got out of work and i ate way to much and i hatemyself for it ugh fuck meim never gonna get my weight down if i keep eating so much yes i know im suppsoe to b recovering but as u can tell my head doesnt like that to much i just go with the flow most of them time c how the day feels if i dont feel like eating much i dont if im having an ok day andmy head is leaving me alone then i will eat a lil more usually freak out after but hey imworking on it

i sitll have to watch black swan yet i keep meaning too but im jsut so tired all the time an dijust dont like it im use to being tired but this is like exhaustion not my thing but neway i gotta shower causse i havent yet since my workout
love u all stay strong and safe

____________________________________________________________-

dying to be pretty-yes imiss them big time yeah its still all trial and error but im working on it

anonoymous-u kinda get use to the pain after awhile it still sucks if u know wha ti mean. i hope that u do get to go to new york some day

skiiny_el-thanx hun it will never b competley sorted out IBS doesnt work like that it will alwasy b there and there will alwasy b pain but im trying

mich-omgi know the pretzels hurt so damn bad i dont go into hottopic much i never really did but they did have good twiligh saga posters so yeah but i jsut went in to c what they have yes i do like hummus and i have bought it b4 but i can never eat the hole conatainer b4 it goes moldy. dam nsorry i didnt tell u lol but we are gonna go again when it gets warmer fo rthe day just to walk around and shop and i will def tell u when ha i love me some skeeball :) and i feel alseeo so i only saw the first hour of the killing the first hour was good at least i just gotta find it online fori can watch all of it

desepree-yes im trying everyhting hurts its just certain things hurt more omg yes u def have to c wicked it was so good i def recommend it

danae- yeah that would b a long drive there for u im lukcy its only like hour and half depending on traffic

c2-thanx for that but im trying to stop my diet pill use

mandagin- omg yesh ur right ther about the m&ms and the skittles ha i took alot of medicne on that trip to keep me ok

4/5/11

so my tummy hurts but what else is new there but i found out that mornings and nites are bad for me during th eday im ok caues i dont eat much and what i do it doesnt help but nites are bad cause im still experinmenting with foods to see what i can eat so i end up with a huge stomach ache and then the morning comes and im running to the bathroom and drinking my pepto likes its nuttin but im starting to get a better handle on it but i do have pain every day and some pains are so bad im keeled over grabbing my stomach o the life of living with IBS istn it just lovely

well i have a stoamch ache right now becuae the boy saidi should try and pretzel form auntie annes a soft pretzel and since i had a gift card he says thats all the better ri know i coudl of lied to him bought it and threw it away but i dont want to lie to him so i did get it and i did eat it and yes it gavem y a stomach ache and i feel the bloating getting worse and wrose it did taste good though but i felt quilty eating it ugh my head needs to shut up already

i also went into hottopic as well now no i nomrally dont go in there but its closing and it was like 50-75% off so i went in to look but i coudlnt find nething i liked even the twilight saga shirts wenret cathcing my ey well one did but all they had was teh big sizes no dani apportiate sizes o sad face

but i worked today 12-7pm and yes im tired it was a boring day with just spurts of bussyness i hate when work is so slow cause i get so bored and the annoying girl was there today i swear she just lies to hear her slef talk cause thats all she does and every other word out of her mouth is a damn lie and i just wanna say shut the fuck up already i dont give a fuck bout ur life or nething like fuck ugh

but i mad emyself happy yesterday i went grocery shopping an di hate grocery shopping its so over whelming with allthef ood and the ppl but i foud some soy protein powder no dairy or whey in it so score ys for me and then also found gluten and dairy free cookie dough ice cream score 2 :) cookie dought ice cream was alwasy my fav and im just so happy that i foudn an option that i can eat and not get sick. i did try the ice cream the other day it is was good the cookie dough in it was a li chalky but hey i can get past that

i have to work tomm ugh and its not even my normal shift its 2-930pm i usually work the morning or middle shift so when i work nites its really werid to me

but i have been going to the gym again lately ive been getting up and leaving gthe house at 7am and going well expect for today casue i was running about 30 mins behind my tummy wasnt lisnteing today but i went today and yesterday
burnt
today-65 mins on elly level 5- 461 cals burnt
yesterday- 65 mins on elly level 5- 440 cals burnt

i wont b able to get there tomm well i could but i would really wear myself out tomm cause i hav emy lil munchinsmy cousins tomm and i cant wait to c them misss them an dthen i have work at 2 so if i went to the gym then ran after teh kids then worked i would just b dead to the world so im not gonna go tomm ims realx and just paly with the kids but i will go to the gym thursday mornring casue iw ill need the wrokout

food log for today
*protein shake(3 tbsp protein mix, cup almond milk, banana)-243
*mango-100
*5 celery stalks
*sf jello-10
*fritos-320
*aunite annes pretzel
*salad(4 roman leaves, 5 cherry tomatos, 3 pickles bell peppers)

love u all

4/3/11

hi guys im sure u are alla nxious to hear about my trip to new york and all that and i am so going to tell u even got 2 pics for u stupid me forgot her camera at home so no pics of the city sadly ugh

but neay b4 we go on about the trip i have to touch on my weight yes i know that i should b tryiing to recover but my weight is going down i was 107.6 last week and as of this morning i am 104.2 i am happy that the weight went down and no im not outright restricting its just with my ibs i would rather avoid foods and not b in pain but i do have sotmach aches all the time so ijust eat foods that dont hurt and have alil stomach ache ive been taking so many tums and pepto its crazy i have to go to target tomm to restock and ive been drinking so much ginger ale as well ibs has one good thing the weight loss everything else just fucking blows

ok neway here is the outfit that i wore yesterday on my trip i was 105lbs that morning




so i left my house around 820am that day and picked up the boy and our 2 firends that went with use and we drove up 2 the place to catch the bus now small town so it didnt take long at all forus to get there we were literally parked int eh lot at 830am and our bus wasnt picking us up til 850am so we just sat around awhile then went and stood outside to ge the bus

when the bus came we were the last stop of course so we had to walk pass all the ppl to get to the back of the bus yes we are back of the bus ppl i think i hit a few ppl with my bag buti didnt like walking past them its like they are all looking and staring at u and its just ugh so unnerving and ihad my big blue bag with me i was gonna bring my lil bag but there was no way i could fit allmy tummy stuf fin my lil one so i had my big back with a book, my cholestrol meds, my walet, my day planned, 2 bottles of water, bottle of giner ale, tums, pepto, aleve and a few other things and yes i did carry it around the hole time in the city.

but the bus took about hour and half to get there there wasnt much traffic in the moniring since we left so early but the bus ride so did not do my stomach ne justice all the bumps and ups and downs ugh my the time we got to the city i already drank half my ginger ale and took 5 tums and 4 peptos i was trying to settle my stoamch i didnt wanna have to b runnning tothe bathroom thehole time we were there wasi ook extras.

but we got dropped off and decided to walk about since we got there at 1030am and the hsow didnt start til 2pm we had some time to kill. now i htough that my anxiety would b thru the roof but i was ok well in the monring at least since it wasnt that busy but as the day went out and it got busier i was ali anxioius and panciky but i tried to keep myself calm and i just constanly held onto the boy i was ok as long as i wasn holdingon to him to i just helpo on to his arm whenever we were walking around my apnci got really bad when i had to like go to the bathroom and had to walk away from him but i managed it was really bad after the show in the bathroom on elil space to many ppl = a very anxious and bouncing up and down on her feet dani.

but neway we did walk around we saw times square and went into m&m world but fuck did they have the heat up high in the laces its like a sauan and then u walk outside and the cold air hits ya but it wasnt that cold yesterday it waas in the 50's and it was very nice in the sun but taht change of temperatre was just to much it could explain y i have a sore throat today.

we walked along broadway we did walk alot idk how many blocks but it def was good exercise and my legs hurt when we finally got home

but we had lunch at dave and busters we dont have one by me so they wanted to try it i didnt eat breakfast that monring so i was still empty by the time they wanted to eat lunch i didnt even eat much there i had like 5 of the boys sweet potato fries and 3 bites of my small apple salad(lettuce apples, pecans dressing ont he side) they all got burgers and fries yes even our friends girlfriend she likes to eat and she not fat either but shes not really skinny she has thegood medium going and i wish i coudl b happy like that but iw ill never b so no dwelling n that.

but we did paly games after int he game room i palyed skeeball only game i can really play love that game love skeeball the ball tried to win me a prize out of the claw machine and this was the huge claw he tried to get the wicked witch of the west but the claw just wouldnt grab it right. me and the girl raced on motorcycles now im sure that was a site to c cause me and her just ocudlnt do it i didknt even now how to get it to start and when i fianlly did i was all over the place off the road into rocks and bushes ha not fun well it was funny to do but u know what i mean. and we did play deal or no deal as well those games are so fucking fixed let me tell u the highest cases alwasy go away first no matter what fucking rip offs ha.

but we gave awa the tickets that we wont to one of the kids in there kids desrve prizes and we werent gonna donething with them so we gave them away

after lunch i had more tums and pepto yes i had more my sotmahc just wanst agreeing with me an dididnt wanna have to run tot he bathroom all the time and plus i dont like having to go to the bathroom in public places i can deal with peeing in them but i dont wanna like shit in there idk im werid i know u can say it.

but we do fiannly get to the show and since this is our first broadway show and we prob wont go back to one again i got a shirt c its cute(i wore it at work today too)



that shirt cost me $39 yes it was alot i was expecting it to b expensive but i didnt think it would b over $30 but it was but i wanted it and i liked it so i got it its good to splurge every once in awhile

the boy then got me a ginger ale cause my tummy really wanst liking me and he got himself peanut m&ms and me skittles i ate about half the bag of skittles now question here guys the bag of skittles is 250 cals but the bag of the peanut m&ms are 240 cals now how does that make sense how does the choc and nuts b less then the skittles idk yeahi know its only a 10 cal difference but still 10 cals is 10 cals if u ask me

but omfg the show was amazing we saw "wicked" and holy fuck def great the talent that those acotors have the sinigng the acting the dancing it was just all amzing and they have to memorize all that stuff its just amzing what they do cause they would b so much better thent he hollywood actors they dont get o cut adn start over if they mess up they just gotta keep going and have to remembering all of it its just wow guys u have no idea i was blown away the stage sets wer amzing with tthe ligths and the smoke and the flying monkeys i wish i could explain it more but its so hard to put it into words liek so hard to explain. but they have so much talent and the show had like comedy put into it so i was laughing alot as well and the acotress who played glenda was so good as well here comdey releift she hit it dead one. but the story went allt he way thru but when they first meet to how the tin man and scarecrow and cowardly lion were made how alpahba was turned into the wicke dwithc of the west what happened to her to make her become that way. the friendship that the 2 of them had it was all just great it was in 2 acts. so the first act alsted about an hour and half and then there was a 10 min break and then act 2 lasted about an hour. the music in it fit so well i relaly do have to get the soundtrack and i want to get the play as well and read it prob will get that tomm. if ne of u guys ever get to c a broadway show i so recommend it and def see "wicked" but a boradway show is a must u get a hole new look on what those ppl can do and how dedicated they are to there work u c them doing what makes them happy and what they really wanna do and u can tell with there prefomramcnes so def if u ever have the chance do it do it def go c a broadway show.

after the show we had to catch the bus home right away cause they bus picsk us up right after the show it drops u off early for u have time to walk around the city.

but when we got home i wanted a shower all i wanted so bad was a hot shower but guess the fuck waht my dad turned the heat down in the shower so i got in and it was like luke warm i though that it would heat up fuck was i wrong it went completley ice cold so i just rinsed off real quick and jumped out of there no1 was home when i got home and ilike havign thehouse to my self im one of those loners who would rather isolate herself then b around alot of ppl

but the boy came over again that nite after we both shwered and rested alil he wanted to go out to eat again but he fell alswwp so i had to stay up even though for once i was auctally exhausted but i kept waking him up and imlike im not gonna keep waking u up u wanna eat i dont so get up so after like the 10th time he finally moved cause he was hungry we ended up jsut going to applebees i just go tthe sweet and spicy boneless wings and ate like 4 of them he got wings as well adn these potato tiwster thingys i had a few but i relaly wasnt feel well and iw as so so tired and absoluty freezing by the tiem we got home from dinner which gratned we didnt leave my house til 11pm i was ready to just curl up in a ball and sleep and he let me get under my covers of course im restless and hes like just relax and sleep and i eveuntlly did curled up casue my sotmach hurt but at least he was there next to me.

it was good day though yesterday and i relly did enjoy myself we are planning on goingback to the city some time when it gets warmer to just spend the day there to walk around and shop and i know weird coming from me but imkinda excited about that i liked walking around the city i didnt like the ppl our the croweds or the constan beeping of the cars but walking part is good ha i know m weird u guys can say it.

the boy is still on my case about my dehradation and i know my IBS isnt helping that much eitehr but i am drinking more but with me drinkng more and peeing more he says i am peeing out all the salt in my body which is y i sitll get dizzy and weak at times so he is trying to get me to eat more salt which really guys im not suppose to b eating ne extra salt at all but hes likes u have to eat alil extra ur body needs it and i have been eating a lil more even though i dont like it the potato twisters he order at applebess are so salty but he said i needed it and really i know it is helping alil but i still dont like it

and he also says that i shodultn b eating so many potatos since they arent good for me and i know that i shodulnt b eating that many carbs its jsut soemtimes i really watn a potato
and he works at a chip place u know were they make chips and other snacks and i mentioned that i was on a fritos kick and he said that i shoudnt b eating that casue of all the oil that the fritos is cooked in cause they are fried in the grease but he said totostio are better so i will just have those from now on

wow this post is getting long im sorry and u guys dont have to read it all
but today i had to wirk 11-630 i was still exhausted from our trip yestrday i acutally slept al il when the boy left int eh morning now if u know me i usally dont sleep much and inevergo to sleep after he leaves i only sleep when he is here with me cause i feel so much safer so so so much safer when he is here like nuttin can hrut me when he is sleep ing next to me

but neway work was tirng and busy and since im gooa on the register they kep tme up there all day usually iget like afitting room shift but nope didnt i spent the hole time on the register unless i was on a break but theni was in the back room and then when i cam backright back on register again i was talking so much that my throat was hurting even more and idid get a lil dizzy today as well. but i relaly hate ppl its like 5 mins b4 we close and they walk in and then take there dam time like just get out of the store alreayd like so of us would really like to go home some of us have been working all day and want to go home we aere all getting frustrated with them i was still rining at like 610 and the mall closes at 6 but we finally did get out of there and god did we all run out. my eaitng was ok today it coudl of been better i had
*2 mangos
*few hanful jelly beans
*unsweetened apple sauce cup
*left over boneless wings(from last nite
*few fries and tator tots
* 1 cup of tea
*2 liters of water

im wathicn "the killing" now on amc the preview looked good and i wanted to check it out
well im donw talking now guys sorry that i wrote so much u know me once i get talking i jst keep going it keeps my head calm
tomm i have off of work so ima get up early have a mango then go to the gym do 65 mins on elly and then tan hopeuflly then ima do my grocery shopping and go to target and stock up on all the supplies i need for my tummy

love u all

__________________________________________________________

violet- uyeah my cousin as ulcerative colitos so i know how it is yeah idk if mine is ana realted or not stomach issues run in my family andmy immune system is shot but iw ill try those chews

onmyway-ysy for laundry i hate laundry but it has to b down

dying to be pretty-yes melt downs do help sometimes dont they

kitkat-thank u hunny

anna- glad im not the only one who gets that

scaredblogger-love u ais