12/6/10

so ij ust spent an hour getting caught up on all the blogs sincei kinda fell over the face of the planet in blog world this wkd so ihad some catching up to do and yes i read and commetned on the blogs i missed well most of them i think i might of missed a few and if i missed urs in so sorry

so this is my 300th post wow thats alot damn ive been blogging for what a year and half now but wow i cant beleive ithat i have that many post and 210 followers ilove u all u area ll thebest and i hope that i dont bore u guys to much

i want to apologize to u guys for disappearing this wkd my depression has gotten really bad and iddint know y at first and then i realized its decemeber its december ugh me and december dont get along at all.

c my grandmother passed way 7 years ago in decemeber well december 2nd to b exact i knew there had to b a reason y i was so depressed and binging so much and it hit me this wkd about my grandmother me and her were very close and i miss her so much. the boyfriend never got to meet her we were only together a few months b4 she passed and she owuld of loved him go she would of and she would of insisted on being called gram i miss her so much

my mom keeps talking about her(it was her mom) she keeps telling all the flower that are on the grave and the grave balnkets and pillows they got her and this poem my uncle wrote her. now shes telling me this cause i cant go to her grave i just cant me and my one cousin are the only ones who just cant go its to hard for me i cant go and everyone undertands that so they tell me what they got her. and on the off chance that my mom wanst to go while im in the car i stay in the car with my head turned the other way music on trying to distract myself. i know its not healthy that i cant go but ijust cant accepted it i dont wanna she her grave ij ust dont wanna.

and i dont wanna hear about what they got her either its just to hard but they telll me neway and its no tlike i can just tell thema ll to shut the ufckup that would b rude so i listena nd i get depressed and i cry. now i kno wy my emotions were all over theplace.

but now that i know i can work onmy depression i know its gonna b bad all month but mayb i can fianlly get my binging under contorl and i can lose the weight i gained.

yes i gained weight i amnow 105 lbs ugh i weighed this morning.
i binged alot this wkd way to mucha nd we wont go into all the details but it was lot f bread and a can od cake icing and way more stuff as well.
my heart didnt like me at all for that it had to work so much harder cause of all the food and god it was scarying me after i ate i had to lay down for i woudlnt get up and purge all the food i ate i refused to purge i didnt wannag et in that cycel so i wouldjust have to lay there for like 10 minutes not moving until i didnt feela s sick and i coudl get up and move.

this wkd was blah tom uch food but i did get to workout since i had off of work last week
friday nite was date nite we went to tgifridays i got my nomral dragonfire chicken and the boy made me eat most of it i told him i have bene eating way to much lately hes like y im like cause i tried to b normal again i cant hes like i just eat on a scheudle and im like i hate food that was the nd of the convo we really didnt go into nething he knows that i hate my stomach like relaly hate it idk mayb he thinks that im jsut like going thru something or idk that since im eating he wont bug me until i lose the weight again idk does that make ne sense it doesnt really make sense to me but yeah

we went and say due date after dinner it was funny our 2 friends were with us at dinner and the movie

saturday i started xmas shopping and went to the gym
sunday went to the gyma s well
so last week i went tot he gym sunday, monday, tuesday, friday, saturday and sunday
so yes good workout week
this week wont b a good workout week at all.

i gotta work alot so iw ll prob only b able to go to the gym friday but iw ill burn enough being at work.

so started my xmas shopping i got a few ppl done. got all 3 ofm y cousins done the 3 lil ones that i watch and i got my other 2 cousins done as well so thas a good start for me

i sitll have to figure out what ima get the boy he got me 2 things and hes nervous for some reason he keeps saying ihope that u like it and look i will like nething he got me he doesnt have to get me nething id b happy just hanging with himi dont need gifts to knmow that he loves me.

buti gotta figure out what to get him im thinking flyers tickets and mayb broadway tickets he keeps mentioning that he would love to see a show so i gotta look not that.

during my shopping trips i did buy a heart monitor watch my pedometer watch broke so i got a new one this one comes with a strap that u wear rigth under ur chest like right under ur bra and then u wear ur watch and it tracks ur heart rate and also give u cal burns and a hole lot of other stuff its good liets me keep track of my heart the lowest it dropped today was 64 the highest it wnt was 240 bpm

yeah the high is really high but i had soda today and im not suppose to b drinkng ne sort of caffeine so yeah that would do it.

i wate to much again today not as much as i have been eating but still to much so im workingo ut it

im hoping i can get it under control soon for i can get this weight i gained off
i worked 10-2pm today and i was gonna go tot eh gym after but i just deicded that i didnt want to i had enough of ppl and ijust wanted to go home so i stopped filled my car up with gas and bought myself something to eat
a nice size grilled chicken chicken salad(lettuce, hot chicken, hot peppers, pickle chips, cucumbers, oregaon) and a small chicken noodle soup

ti was yummy filled me up
so alli ate today is
*bowl of oatmeal
*rest of my cake icicng
*grilled chicken salald
*small chicken noodle soup
*vending machine pack of twizzlers
*1 choc cihp cookie

ima try and not eat nemore today cause i think thats more then enough cals well its way more then enough cals

and its so cold so so so cold
we finally got the snow they wre calling for today so we have a nice dusting ont he ground crazy weather
i gotta work tomm 12-5pm nice 5 hour shift :) it was freezing in there today like iw as shivering the hole time
my watch said i burend 631 cals today to yay me

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lov2laff-its hard to tell a cutter not to cut cause they dont listen ha but dont worry im ok i need stitches but im ok

mich-yeah i cant find ne of those bandiase i looked for them at the store the other day and couldnt find them damn ugh cause i reopened it yesterday so it looks even grosser but im taking care of it

desesperee- we jsut got our snow now we didnt have it in the monring got it later but we hav ea nice dusting on the ground