2/26/11

so i mieant to update the other day but not much as happanaed and im sure u guys didnt wanna keep reaind my dperessed ramblings about how im a fat failure and i cant do nething right so ijust didntupdate fo ra few days i kept up with all ur blogs though and commented so im not behind or nething

but have soem things to say now
well yesterday at work it was really slow and teh nice manager was there the one who really doesnt give a fuck as long as the works get done she doesnt care if u stand around and talk or try on clothes shes not like bosey or mean like that other ones
so she was trying on clothes with this other girl and they sucked me in as well so yeah i pciked out 2 dressed to try on cause i know that i cant fit into the jeans at old navy they just make them to big and the shirts i know are an xs so i picked out dressses one was one that i really wanted and one was my second choice

the one i really wanted was cute i liked it but it was just so damn clingy like it clung to my ass like no tomm so i didnt get thatone but i loved the 2nd dress its like a plaid but with browns and corals and its a v neck int he front in back so i really gotta lose some weight its a great dress for some great spine showage

yeah but neway they didnt have an xs in that so i got a small it was only a lil big in the boob area but might just wear a cami or tank top under u know for im not like hanging out but i came out to show the girls cause they wanted to c and the one was like omg dani ur so small ur like nuttin look at u ur legs are so tiny ur skin and bone and she was like so shocked and im thinking in my head wtf is she seeing cause im not skinny at all the other gilr loved the dress so ended up getting that dress and 3 shirts that were on sale i only buy things that are onsale there and then plus my discount so its not that bad

work has been boring thrusday the other cashier was talking and shit shes the one girl that no1 likes she lies about everyhing and i mean everything well shes an exotic dancer not a full out stripper casue they keep like bathing suits on but neway shes still a dancer and app she fell off her pole on monday lol i almost died when she said that i know its not funny o fuck no its fuckin ghilerious but shelike goes in depth to her tricks and im trying so hard not tolaugh i dont wanna b mean but shes not the prettiest girl in the work and when u think of like strippers u think of shape in fit skinny girls u know they dont have to b too skinny but at least ins hape and shes not at all she has a nice size somatch on her and then she treid to get me to do it with her hes like its not bad or hard or scary and u make good moeny im like yeah no i cant do that sheslike u still wear a bathing suit im like i hate bathing suits im not doing it

i told the boy what she said and he was like u dont do that u have me im like no shit i was gonna do it and u know mei cant do that an dim like she has a husbsnd and 2 kids and hes like wow i guess he doesnt care if she strips lik ei understand some ppl have no choice what so ever but to do that caus ethey need the money an di dont c nething wrong with it but for me its like a last resort thing like a total last resrot thing id have to hit rock bottom first in order to do that

if i get approved i should have myinsurance by march 1st but it scares me so much to go to the doc i dont want them to weight me im trying tomanitain my weight and not weigh all the time but i know once i c that number i will downward sprial neway so imthink of just stkipping the spiral and starting to restrict again try to lose a lil b4 my doc appt soemtim ein the next next 2 weeks and my doc never believes a word i tell him all he does is yell atl me he has no diea about my ed and i dont tell him he doesnt comment onmy weight or my scars or nething all he cares about is my choelstrol and he yells at me saying i dont follow the diet he put me on and all i wanna do is yell at him and say i hate food food scares me y the fuck do u think im not following the diet i dont eat half the food ont here neway so just stop yelling at me

i hope he doesnt yell at me again cause i really need himt o listen to me about my lungs and myu chest and heart pains theya rent good signs and i wanna get my stomach checked and c what excalty is wrong with me u kno wmy gluten and dairy in tolerance like i wanna c ifim acutally allergic to those things but if he doesntlisent he wont care that my chest hruts or about my heart he will just blow it off and go back to my cholestrol ugh i fucking hate him somuch but ive been going to him for years and he gives me alil break on the prices

so i was telling the boy about what the coworker said about how im so small and hes like ppl just need to stop there are girls out there way skinnier then u dopnt listen to them ur not to skinny which got me thinking and it makes me want to lose even more weight for i can b considered to skinny in hes eyes

we went to tgifridays last nite and it turned out my parents were there as well with there friends so of course they came over and ahd to b annpying but i ate
*2 and half potato skins
*my meal was peacn crusted chicken salad no cheese dressing on side ate aobut 1/4 of that
*had some of te boys fries
*half brownie obsession dessert no caramel

my stoamch hurt so so so bad after that i was in so much pain an di wanted to purge so bad i acutally got up to go to teh bathroom but there were to many ppl in there so i just peed and when we got home i layed down and slept alil im taking the acia cleanse pills and they kicke din for the first time last nite so i guess that helped a lil as well

i have off today and tomm and my sis is home for the wkd idk if we are doing nething today the oby wants me to relax sinceim still not feeling good he said i can go tot he gym after i get to the docs and gets ome meds and i start feeling better
so tomm im thinking ima just spend time in bed watching the oscars the preshoer the shower after show all of it i love the fashion of it

hes already talking about waht to do on vacatin this year i cant wait to spen dtime with him idk what we are gonna do it all depends on waht we decide and when hes vacations are

i fianlly go tmy bday card from my nano and my aunt and i got $40 score boy is like just act like u dont have it go get urself soemthing i relaly want titanic on dvd or bluray love that move so he told me to go out and get it for msyelf so i prob will

oo here is the outfit that i wore last nite with the boyi tired to look cute and i was freezing cause for some reason NJ was all windy and really cold yesterday ugh stupid northeast weather




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ash-omg i could too trust me an di have a kindle as well and i still buy nomral books and then i download other books i have like a system i buy series in print and then download other books unless i really want them in print idk my thinkn is werid

a- how far in PA i live right on the border of PA and NJ like hour and half outside of phillly and 2 horus outside of nyc

ayden-thanx hun idk what my natural color is nemore ma thinks is some shade of light brown

mich-thanx hun

needlesedge- ha so u love everything

manadagin-yeah aths teh big thing to figure out my stoamch issues adn thenmy chest paini know chest pain isnt good and iknwo my heart is damaaged rom teh ed ijust dk how damaged

notso cholorine-aw thanx hun