Friday, February 18, 2011


so here it is the outfit for tonite ignore the fatness that is me ugh

i didnt lose the lbs that i wanted to this week so im sitting in between the range of 106-107 i know its so fuckng gross an dfat an di had a panic attack today i havent had one of those in awhile but yeah it hit me today i was doing my hair and all of a sudden i hated what i say in the mirror like literally hated it i was clawing at my stomach i threw my comb and my tv tunner across the room hit the wall i wanted to throw my phone too but i kneow enough to not do that i wanted to punch the mirror so ba di watned the image to just go away im so gross and ugly idk y neone would like me or y the boy is wit me cause im so hideious i wanted to cry so bad adn i coudlnjt breathe well mylungs are bad as it is but i coudlnt breathe even less and my chest hurt even more nuttin i did would stop it i tired crunches i tried taking 2 more diuretcis on top of the 3 i already took today i tried drinking water nuttin made it stop the voices were just yelling and screaming at me i gave in a cut and it slowed my thoughts a lil but not compltely and im still panicking alil cause i know that i look gross in my outfit and all i wanted was to look great for the boy and yeah that obv didnt happen i gotta lose all this weight i gotta get to double digits again i gotta stop tryingt o fight it and stop trying to get better cause it obv doesnt work for me theres no in between for me its either restircitng/ starving or binging and hating myself nad im tired of hating myself i wanna feel empty and weeka nd fragile and broken and thats the onlything that calmed my head a li was to knowthat i made up mymind im done fighting agaist my eating disorder im done ima give in and jsut let it take over cause thats the onlything that works for me yes i knwo im being stupid and i know tletting it take over isnt the best tihng but its the only thing tha i have right now its the only thing that calms that thoughts and ovices in my head i knwo i need help but i cant get it not yet at least cause no 1 belives i have a problem so i will show them i know that i dont want to b like this forever but right now its all i got


  1. thank you so much for what you said. it really helped. when i look at it as a battle between me and my body its easier.

    i know how you feel. it makes no sense why a person would want what we want but there it is and we can't make it stop.

    we can do this.

  2. Sorry about the panic attack; those are awful. And hardly anyone understands how cutting makes it feel better.

    I sympathize with the starving vs bingeing, like there's never any in between.

    Love your outfit, especially your stockings. <3

  3. Wow u are so perfectly beautiful looking here,
    I know, panick attacks are the most heart distroying thing,

    Love u,

  4. Hello girls I have returned to blogger after trying to lose weight the healthy way and developing a better mental health I gave up I threw it all away to become "Delicate!!" Threw all my hard work away so I could eat from one extreme to another, to get to my goals quicker!! As many of us do we give up and think it will be easier and quicker to try a stupid diet which you only end up binging and back to square one!!

    I am ashamed of my choices and want to continue down my path of being healthy!! I can not believe I nearly threw it all away!! I have decided to give it my all 100% and nothing less!! I will reach my GOALS but in a HEALTHY way!!

    I too want to look great in a Bikini, in that Little Party Dress, in those CK Jeans but I want to ROCK them without feeling GUILTY, without LYING to all those around me and to not be KILLING MYSELF in the process!! I want to look HOT in ULTIMATE HEALTH and HAPPINESS, I want to have AWESOME SELF ESTEEM and I want to ROCK CONFIDENCE!! I want to earn the JOY of achieving HEALTH - HAPPINESS - SELF ESTEEM and CONFIDENCE the right way not the wrong way!! I want this more than anything in LIFE and I am going to get it !! It is now or never, there is no looking back!! Please support me and I will return the favor!! I choose to follow girls with distorted eating as I feel they understand what I am going through compared to "normal eating" girls they just think I am crazy!!

    I am putting this every where because I know I will influence at least one person out in this great big world to never give up and to keep trying!!

  5. you are so skinny! I want your legs. Keep up the good work, sorry about the hard times you've been going through but don't worry things will get better just stay strong! xo A