6/30/11

i wishmy mom would just stop already its getting ridc she doesnt care if i eat or not i know uw ill all says shes cares but trust me she doesnt and she doesnt care about the scars on my arm but fuck does she care hwo i spend my money and where i park my car

so i park my car outfron i have alwasy have and everyone else parks in the back lately my bro has been parking hes car outfront which is fine its a beat up old thing that is like falling apart i usually park right behind him a lil way back frm teh house but lately ive been getting home b4 him so ive been parking right in front of the house an dmy bro parks infront of the scumbags neighbors house

so yesterday moms like ur parking closer anc loser tot eh hosue and ur brother has to park in front of the neighbors im like whats the difference mom hes car is old falling apart what does it matter if he parks it in front of the scumbags neighbors house moms like well u dont wanna park ur car there in case something happens to it so y does he have to park it ther ugh and more bullshit its like fuck ma y lawasy defend him y alwasy give him money y not make him gat a job lie u made me do when i took a year off of college

so now to avoid another fight im parking lil farther down the street so my brother can park right in front of the house ugh its fuckign ridc and i just cant wait fo r the fight when i come home with my new car(nope havent called yet) cause i know my mom will get on my case about that sayign a bunch of bullshit about getting a new one and the money and allt hat shit and how i should of kept the car i had cause its only 2 years old blah blah blah ugh

so neway im exhausted i have been for while now i have insomnia and i can usually fucntion just fine on like 3 hours of sleep a nite ive been dong that for years but this last 2 weeks imnot dong well at all im sleepling ali more mayb like 5 hours a nite never straight ever im still up at like 5 am but whatever but i jsut cant fucntion my noon im beat my 3 i wanna fall overi ts horrid espaically when working an 8 hour sihft and ur on ur feet(love retail not) and its just ugh

the boy thinks that my iron is low well that combined with the fact that i just dont slepp but ive never reallyselpt so y is it hitting me hard nwo

im babystting the kids today gonna b so tired
and mich gave me award yay thank u so much iw ill do a story later i promise thinking maby one about chasing ur dreams an dno giving up i have had so many drams inmy life never accomplished ne of them but i;ll tell u about them

o yeah heres what i wore yesterday i go talot of compliments on it at work the custoemrs thought it was oso cute and they were gonna start layerin stuff too i alwasy layer my clohtes its just who i am

6/28/11

im sorry that i dont have much to say lately idk ive just been surviving i guess and just getting thru my days
my emotions have been all over the place wrose then they have been in the past and it drives me nuts

went mini golfing with the boy and fried last nite i came in 2nd the winner gets free small italian ice the boy one soi got the italian ice it was tiedye it was yummy i like italian ice i can eat it with out getting a tummy ache i hate driving with him though cause i get nervous and anxious and it was nite time an di reallly dont like driving at nite either cause the headlights bother my eyes so i made a mistake and hit a bump lil to hard and he said i had to b more careful i had to pay more attenion whenim dirivn gi know imnot the best driver int he world but fuck ive never had a ticket or been in an accident tahts saying osemthing

had the kids today wow im beat those 3 just never slow down i nearly feel over halfway thru the day between the playing tag and hide and seek the walks the coloirng the just taking care of them i was beat love them though so its ok but the 5 yr old is starting to get an attitude and i dont like it where is the sweet girl that ive been babysitting since she was only a few months old i wont her back but i would still do nething for her and her brothers so but im trying to teach her patiance and sharing cause its ahrd she has 2 younger brothers so close in agei know its hard for her but still

but neway work tomm 10-6 thats gonna b tiring hopueflly i hear back about my car then as well i cant wait to have it

outfit and hair for the day the hair is just twistd back like a french bradi but instead of 3 strands its 2 the top half is pulled back rest is down and curly i hate my curly hair





_________________________________________________________________

black angel- thanx huin it means alot and yeah it is pretty isnt it

bones-i know i needed soemthing to work out for once. i alwasy underestmamte myself an di alwasy think i will fail so im like setting myself up for failure right from the beginning its hard to change that way of thinking

skinnygirl-yeah ur right im not proana yes i suffer from an ed but i woudlnt wish it on my wrost enemy thanx for ur number hun i will have to remember it when im having a really bad day

scared blogger-i missed u too u have to tell me all about france

barbies and bones- thanx hun i keep hearing the itny comment alot more lately but i dont c it i dont think im that small i sitll need to lose like 10-15 lbs

mich- yeah ur blonde i was blonde in high school my hair is dark now yay for adventure unfortunally i work all wkd gotta love retail ugh but thanx we will ahve to get together at some point if u want that is o i alwasy wanna bash other ppls head into a wall cause they drive me fucking nuts. i think we are just both slightly crazy then mich mayb next year i can get my vacation if i don tlose it by then. c at least u have a slight clue as of when urs started i dont i never like the mirrors i never like whati c its so fucking ridc i just wanna b happy but that will never happen

needlesedge-thanx mark

samzi- thanx hun just waitng for the call

desesperee- lol thanx hun u really dont have to send me nething im not wroth the time and effort but thanx

aly- sorry that u had a mini relpase there hun take care of urself ok

sarah-thanx hun i wish i woudl feel better too but i doubt i ever will

amy marie-my mind is constanly going just never stops alwasy racing with all the thoughts its draining

ivy- i sitll dk what normal is and like i said how can i know when all i know isnt normal at all guess we just have to keep fighting for what we want and hope it all works out in the end

happy happy news

i am now a proud owner of a 2012 ford focus even thoughi dont have it in my possession right now :) something finally worked out for me something finally went right wow i though everything was just going to downward spiral and just keeping going down and down but today yay.

c right now i have a 2009 ford focus wich yes i bought that new 2 years ago as well but we traded that one in cause really it just wasnt running right we didnt know if it was going to b possibble cause i cant afford more then what im paying now and that car is much nicer then mine and has way more features but after one failed attempt at a diffrent dealer we went back tot he one were we orignally bought mine and we had the same sale person which was nice and it went good and smoothly and the boy knows tehfinance guy as well we were there like hour hour and half at most they didnt have ne on the lot so they ahd to find one for me but they did and it was different pacakges on it which makes it even alil more expensive but the fiance guy said i can still do the same payments i am making now thank god but i should have it my wed or thursday they are thinking but its so pretty u have no i dea its sterling grey black interior its just ugh so nice i cant beleive it so yeah i was all sad cause we couldnt go on vacation and we still cant cause i cant take off of work but i got a brand new car :)

heres the link to my car it wont let me save the pic but theres teh link just change teh clolr to sterling grey and yay

http://www.ford.com/cars/focus/gallery/colors-and-360-views

o and heres teh outfit i wore there and am wearing today

6/27/11

have u everjust wanted to hit ur head against a wall just cuase the voices are to loud and to annoying an du just want them and the racing thoughts to just shut up for like 2 seconds and give u a braek let me b in my own head for once just me not all of u yeah thats how i have been feeling lately i wanna hit my head again a wall and make everything just shut the fuck up and leave me alone

but nway just a quick post cause i have to finish getting ready to leave to meet the boy at the car dealership we are looking into trading my 2009 focus in for the new 2012 focuses omg they are so nice went and test drove one the other day damn its nice i hope it all works out but if it doesnt then it just wasnt meant to b

been to the gym already today butn 471 cals yay me my stomach isnt liking me i ate soem bads tuff yesterday so yeah my bowels are letting meknow that i shodlnt do that gotta take more pepto to make it thru the rest of the day gotts love IBS not really

saw bad teacher last nite it was betting then i thought it was gonna b i though it was gonna suck but it was ok almost good not great but lots of swearing

this is what i wore out

love and thank u e

i just had to do a quick post for my friend E love her shes ones o fmy ana friends but shes not just that shes an acutal friend and if i had friends in real life(aka my town) like her i woudlnt b as miserable as i am everday. but she treid to cheer me up by sending me a package which i told her she didnt have too but of coruse she didnt listen thats y i love u E and she sent it neway even with an extra which i didnt know about but she sent me 2 things of my fav bath and body works lotion twilight woods and sleep body mist suppose to help u sleep and since i dont sleep she thought it would help. i love u e thank u so much for dealing with me and putting up with me my ups and downs and everything in between u really did brighten my day up a lil cause really its not going good at all but thank u so much for it i love u crazy

6/25/11

outfit





bullet point quick update list yup im lazy quick update on life

*recovery or replase give in or fight
*what is normal? what do nomral ppl eat?
*am i crazy? am i bipolar like everyone seems to think
*y bother to fight somthing thats been ingranined in my head for my hole fucking life?
*y am i alwasy broke?
*im losing my mind
*am i a good person?
*cant find a good job
*no vacation nemore i cant afford it so no 3 days alone with the boy
*im spiraling everyingting is sprialling
*i wanna cut
*i wanna starve
*i wanna purge

y canti just b happy?

6/22/11

so i wrote this on a site that i mod on its an eating disorder site we dont think of oruself proana we are just there for support but neway i posted it so im posting it here its just copy and pasted hope it makes sense to u guys

ok ima try and get this all out and hopefully not confuse alot of u in the process im acutally kinda scared to write it cause i dont want ne of u to treat me differenty or pity me or judge me or nething if that makes sense i was talking to J yesterday thanx J for being there for me and talkign to me and calming me down and convincing me that its ok to vent on here that everyone here will b there for me regardless so love u J u really are the best

ok so to start off ive been fighting all my behaviors and thoughts and just everything and u guys have no idea how hard it is to do that i didnt tell neone i was trying to get better casue i didnt wanna dissapoint everyone when i failed or have u guys treat me ne different cause im not in the jaws of my ed like idk how to explain it i think it kinda just happend on its own as well. like most o f u know my ed is who i am i cant pinpoint when it started like most ppl can i was alwasy just this way i alwasy had my food issues my body issues my everything issues alwasy hated myselfthe way i looked just everything so its hard to change everything u know the only way of thinking and to change it all to try and idk b different to try and b happy and healthy and not let this disease contorl ur every waking moment its the hardest thing int he world and im really going crazy

like i think im crazy i know alot of u hear the voices and i do to but its not just me my voice yelling at me its acuatally voices and i dont want u guys to thik im crazy thatim losing my mind well i guess i kinda am but the voices are there and they drive me nut i know the boy believes me even ifhe doesnt understand it he believes that the voices are there that im not crazy its just who i am but when u got different voices yelling at u and ur trying to fight all of them its the hardest thing in the world bu tim trying im trying so hard

and it scares me cause alli wanna go is stop eating i dont wanna eat nemore at all i wanna jsut b tiny an dperfect and fragile i dotn want food i dont want it in me or aroun dme or nething and i have to fight the urge to not purge it back up every single day cuase since i dont know how to eat normal i over eat well my version of overeating at least cuase i guess my eating i smore on the nomral side if a nomral healthy likes them self person looks at it but to me its overeating and overeating in the extreme i dont wanna replace one ed with another i dont wanna replace my anorexia with bulimia just like i dont wanan replace it withe over eating or binge eatinng and do u have ne idea how hard it is to tryand b normal when u have no idea what nomral is neway like really what is normal what is the definition of it what do ppl think is normal and how come some ppl can b ok witht he way they look and not have a care int he world they can eat witho tu freaking out and then me i cant do ne of that i cant even get thru one day with out those thoughts or an houra minute my head is constantly going around and around and around

i know im not healthy i know im sick i know my body is fighing hence y i spent 2 weeks straigth naouses and a week straight with horrid chest pains and heartburn that i nearlytook myself tot he hospital every singe nite of the pain between teh sholder blades get so bad thatits ahrd to breathe. that at least once aweek nomatter how much ieat i still get dizzy and nealry pass out at work

but it seems like i just dont care causei wanna give upagain i wanna go back tot he only thing that i know i wanna go back to myeating disorder no matter how much it beats me up and kncoks me down i still wanna go bacck to that cuase its the only thing that i know how do i rewire everything how do i rethink everything how do i learn to love myself and not hate everything about me how can i look in teh mirror an dnot b completely disguisted by what i c i hate it i hate everything. i hate that ppl can eat what they want and not care they are happy and content and they dont have their minds constanly going about food and caloires and weight to not think bout what i eat wht can i eat how many calories is this or that ugh im sorry am i even making sense

my sotmach is worse the never and idk is all my issues due to my ed if i just learned to b healthier to get healtheir will my body like me better will all my issues just go away or r my issues duet o the fact that i was born 3 months eearly and im just predtermined to end up this way?

comment replies

*bones- thanx hun its ok he has a week off next week so iwill get to see him alot more then my lil cousin just makes everything better she alwasy has an dim feeling alil better i take alot of tums and stuff but it helps. ha yeah dotn eat the hole batch right away that wodlnt b good at all. i know i cant beleive how much progrss i have made with it in such a short time i just dont care nemore ppl can think what they want

*shrinking violet- thanx hun i realy like that shirt its comfy but flowy and cute

*fat bastard- no offense but stfu u think its just that easy that u can say eat and wow im cured fuck no its not thateasy and eating disorder is a complicated painful loney disease that just doesnt revolve around food there are so many other factors

*ivy-thank u hunny

*needlesedge- thanx M

*sarah- thanx hun

*amy marie ordehi- im glad that u enjoy reading it

*kat not jas- nope no doctor for me i dont like doctors i havne thad good experince with them but im dealing

*pixiestix14- than xhunny im trying ots so hard though i cant just tellmyself its ok to eat cuase its never ok the good thing about nail polish is u can wear ne color u want and its not permanent just try painingt ur nails ne color u wantim sure it iwll look great i jsut cant say no to that lil girl she owns me and she just knows it

*amalie- imw orkingon feeling better finguringout what dulls the pain

*helen- than xhun i gotta get out of this binge cycle its not fun at all

*mich-nope def not the only one who mixes cereal i do ita ll the time i alwasy have pplmake fun of me for it i need to get out of ths cycle im still stuck in it i hate binging ha im so feeding ur shopping addciiton that i snot a good thing at all

*just jessica- thanx hun unforutanlly ikinda broke it when i washed itim sure i can fix it somehow though

*gianni- no i wasnt braless i had on this rube elastic strapless brathingy idk its my sisters i just borrowed it

*brittney-yeah i really dont hid emy scars nemore cause no one ever says nething so if they dont care theni dont care my cousin has been much better lately and hasnt broke nmy heart since we do have out lil dani munchin time justme and her and it helps

*coffeexandxcigrattes- thanx hun

*lou- thanx hun im glad u alwasy like the outifts i try to loook cute once a week lol

*lilah lee- u can look good too u just have to work at it exercise is ur best friend

*americaneagle- have to keep that smile on her li face it sjust not right if shes not smiling u know what ive been ugh ive taken alot of diet pills and i swear they really dont work butim addcited i need to take sometihng the only thing that i know worls are like cleanses but the normal diet pills never really worked for me but yet i still take them

*displayed-wow sorry blogger was being such an asshat to u thats not right but iknow u are alwasy ther for me regardless and yes ive been rocking my scars alot lately and ppl just never say nething so i guess they just dont care or are too scared to say nething idk

*aly- yeah i havent gotten ne updates of u still posting on my dashboard idk thats weird caus ei love readint ur blogs

outfit/ED survey

so i dont have a date nite outfit for u cause we didn thave a date nite this week. i do have the outfit that i wore to work yesterday though and i actually liked it thought it was cute so i will show u that. but we didnt hav ea date nite this week because he went out with hes friends friday nite came over about 2:30am stayed til 5 and we were suppose to spend saturday together then after i got out of work but i cheked my phone had a txt form him saying hes been sick all day cuas he drank to much the nite b4 so he cant hang out tonite. i wish he wouldnt dirnk so much i dont care that he goes out with hes friends i just wish that he didnt dirnk so much that he gets sick all the time i love himi miss him i wanna c him its ok though he can drink if he wants im not that girlfriend who is gonna tell him what to do so neway heres the outfit i wore to work




so update on my pain i kinda figured the pain was do to my stomach and my gallbladdder even though doc said came back normal but yeah all the research points to that so ive been eating alot of tums and what do u know its helping well its helping with the chest pain at least it only dulls the back pain but he i can deal with that trust me i ca

ok ED survery time now


Size: shirts - extra small or small, pants - 0
Age: 25
Highest Weight: 115 lbs
Lowest Weight: 80 somthing lbs 6 years ago 94lbs nearly 3 yrs ago
Goal Weight: 85-95 lbs

Favorite Diet Food?
water, coup fruit

Favorite Binge Food?
ice cream, cheese, bread

Favorite Exercise?
running, crunches, walking, ellipitcal

Thinspo?
real girl mostly

What Makes You Slip Up?
usually when im stressed or aggravated

What Makes You Strong?
knowing that i sruvived this long that i made my body listen and didnt give in

When Did It Start?
ha theres no start date ive been this way for as long as i can remember i swear i was born this way

Does Anyone Know?
boyfriend, one friend, my blogger friends, friends on DP and SD then a few ana txting buddies

Do You Want Help?
it depends ont he day sometimes i want help other days its all like whats the point im not gonna b able to change neway

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
its different everday but it can range from 0-1200 depending

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
i hate mirrors most of the time i see this huge fat person but every once in awhiel i c this tiny fragile gilr but i know that girl isnt the truth im fat

Are You In A Relationship?
yes going on 8 years with the boy

Is It For Attention?
fuck no its who i am i dont do nehting for attetnion

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
i dot have ne real life friends

Are You Depressed?
never been diangosed but i hav emy lows and highs and then really lows

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
no but i have tthought about it

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
no i tired to contact one twice for help though i chickend out

Are You On Any Medication?
yes butnot for my ed

I AM -
[x] anorexic
[x] ednos
[ ] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[ ] eating something
[ ] under 100lbs
[x] starving myself
[ ] participating in a fast
[ ] vegan

PEOPLE -
[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[] say I’m ugly
[] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic
[x] have tried to stop me

I WISH -
[x] I was thin
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was prettier
[x] I could stop being ana/mia
[] I had a boy/girlfriend
[x] I could disappear

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference
[x] shaking
[x] being weak (but strong at the same time)
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

I HATE -
[x] when people stare
[x] being asked questions
[x] having to eat [in front of other people]
[] being single
[] wearing short skirts
[x] being fat
[x] looking ugly
[x] feeling this way
[x] fat people

I NEED -
[x] more support
[x] people to stay out of my business
[x] more friends
[x] someone to know
[x] less food
[x] more water
[] a gym membership
[] to lose 50 lbs
[] to lose 30 lbs
[x] to lose 10lbs

pain

can some1 please make the pain stop already i cant deal with it its getting to much ive been nasoues since friday yes iv ebeen naoseus for a week straigth soemdays are better then others and then are just so bad i wanna curl up in a ball and just die i hate being nausouses i really do

and then bring on the pain my sternum feels like its being ripped out of my chest its achey and it hurts they it spreads like across my boobs and ribs thats not constant it comes and goes thank god

but the back pain is constant and its so bad right between mt shoulder blads and it goes down my spine til its like halfway down i cant sti or stand or walk or bend or nethng with otu being in pain its bad i can barely sleep from it idk what it is i just started a coule days go i have goteen it b4 but never this bad and it never alst this long

i had to work wednesday and it was so bad the mor ei was on my feet the worse it got and the more naosues i go tidk how i made it thru the day i babysat yesterday i have off today an di wanted to go to gym but idk if ima make it but then i work 10-6 sat adn 11-630 sunday idk how ima do it

has neone else had this pain b4 do u knwo what it is> is it serious?
i really cant do nething and theny sotmach hurts as well and the acid is constanly coming up can i just give up on everything already

o side note my cousins birthday is today shes turning 5 so her mom let me borrow her booster seat yesterday and we had a lil dani munchin time i took her into old navy yesi wen tinto work onmy day off but i let her pick out ann outfit and let me tell u she did it all herself its so cute so she got a prink princsess sleeping beauty shirt and the this blue ruffle skirt and this blure print cami sort drest ihng she looks adorable it it and she picked out a stuffed animla as well adn she picked out one for each of her brothrs cause gotta get thems ometihng too.
i then let her ride one of the rides we shared a pretzel and a drink she wanted to get pictures doen in the pictures booth but i didnt have neough money and i felt so bad and it only took dollors and it was $3 and i only had 2 and then a 5 ugh y coudltn it have taken then 5 damnit

6/14/11

i so meant to blog like 2 days ago it just never happend i got caught up with everything and my eating disorder is juts killing me right now im back into my binge cycle except its not my nomral cycle where i purge it up afterwards nopeim juts bining and eating way to much and just letting it sit in there i wanna purge trust me i really want to bad but i cant let myself go back trhu that again ugh fuck me u shouldn c how big and puffy and gross i am im just huge i cant even step ont he scale no wonder the docs didnt weigh me last week i most look like ive gained weight i must look much bigger and healthier for them to just blow me off like that ugh and to top it off ihavent even been to the gym either uknow me and exrcise are like best friends im an exercise addcit i need it its a drug to me but fuck ihavent been there i just cant face it i was gonna so sat sincei had off but i coudtn get out of bed i was so noasues and then sunday i got called into work just as i was gettign upt o get dressed to go monday i had to work today i babysat tomm i work thursday im babystting again firday i have off as of now soi better make myself go then according to my exerise log on my phone i havent been tot he gym since june 6th wtf is that tahts just fucking fuckedup and so fuckign wrwong like fuck what was i thinking fucking hell i gotta stat doign soemthing cuase sincei m not purging my food its in me an dmaking me fat/ im backing to taking my diuretcis and those fat burning pills i have and i also found a bottle of the acai cleanse pills i use to take but had to stop cause of my bowel/stomach issues but now since my ibs is in the im not gonna let u go stage im takign them again ima finsih the bottle of i have then get another and another i need to lose weight at all costs right now ijust cant stay this way nemore i just cant ugh fuck me i need to weighmyself i cant face the scale though

so binged today this is whati ate

*3 choc chip cookies
*bowl of cereal(frosted flakes and special k mix with almond milk)
*8 or 10 twizzlers prob 10
*tositos
*tomato sandwhich(gluten free bread 2 slices miracle whip and 3 slices tomaot)
*1 piece white bread with butter(munchin shared killed my stomach)
*1 orange creamsicle
*plate of fries with bbq sauce
*bag of baby potato veggie mix
*vegan choc mint pudding

see imf at look at all the food i have in me and yes its in me cause i didnt purge and i coudlnt work out cause i had my 3 lil munchins today love them but fuck do i eat even more when they are here fuck im fat i'll try to not eat nemore today i really will

i have a killer headache right now i tookd 4 diuretcis adn 2 acai cleanse pillls so far today i really need to do crunhces or puke or better yet just not eat ever again that sounds so much better

i treid a new recipe i have it here for u guys

vegan choc mint pudding

ingredients
*3 tbsp light brown domino sugar pure cane- 135 cals
*2 1/2 tbsp cornstarch- 75 cals
*2 tbsp nestle toll house pure 100 percent cocoa- 30 cals
*2 cups unsweetned almond milk- 70 cals
*1 tsp pure mint extract- 0 cals

total cals for batch- 310 cals

directions
* in a saucepan combine sugar, cornstarch, and cocoa powder, milk, and mint extract give a qucik stir
*place saucepan overmedium heat and stir until pudding begins to thicken
* dry ingredients will not combine with milk at first but as the liquid heats the solids will mix in as long you keep stirring the thickening can take awhile
*whe liquid has thikcened remove pot from burner and continue to stir as mixture cools or till it froms a skin then refrigrate til it is set

i didnt sitr mine enough i was trying to do other tings as well and u can tell cause it came out clumpy like all the cornstarch didnt mix but i willl remmber that next time

so pics then we got it right off the burner, then after it cools, and then in the containers the recipe said 5 servings but i got 6 out of it so with 6 servings its 51.6 cals per serving. i kept dropping my spoons in it too im a klutz i dropped like 3 spoons in there ugh

pictures(outfit hair nails)

i have pics for u the outfit that i wore last nite and also a back view of the shirt just cause o loved the bacl a pic of how i wore my hair i was hot an di coudlnt figure out what to do with it then i finally painted my nails

my stomach hasnt been my frirnd all wekk its all my fault i ate bad stuff next week will b way better from that the nasouesness has just gotten to much but it will b better i know it will i felt so sick when we ere out o dinner he kept asking me i fi was ok and im lik ei will sruvive its to late for me to throw up neway its been to long he didnt say nething to the comment though. and he usually asked me what i ate that day instead he went did u eat today? idk where that came from im not that small but ok

also go tmy car back yay im so happy to have it back i nearly got ran over by a bus on the way home though see this one road is nazareth merges into one lane from 2 and it was rush hour since i didnt get up there til nearly 6 an di guess i just wasnted payign attention and bam b4 i know it the bus si coming at me and the road is runnign out and my heart is beating even faster so i speed up really quick and got in front of him it was scary though but im alvie yay me

so my scars were out at work yesterday and it wasnt on purpose i never know how to dress for wrk sometimes its freezing others its hot so i compromised i wore shorts witha lonf slece shirt and a thin strapped shirt over top the one manager saw me and just yelled shes lik eno no i cant loook at u its not funny u cant wear that u will die u have to change go buy a tank and put that under ur other shirt then u will b fine. c i work at old navy theres not really a dress code but u know use ur own mind and she was right it was really hot but i didnt have my bracelets on underneath my shirt so when i changed they were just all out and seen. i was nervous at first but then i just forgot about it cause no1 said nethin gor mentioned it or nething idk if they wqill ask when they c me again but they didnt say nething yesterday at least

ok its all rainy and i wanna go tot he gym just cause my sotmach is huge im fat and gross and just ew but at he same time i dotn wanna c neone i dont have to work today for once im alwasy working on saturdasy and all i wanna do is just hide in my room all day away from teh world so idk what to do i will think about it c what my mind decides u know

ok pic times

outfit(strappy silvery sandals, grey skinny jeans, tank top)




back of said tank top(its my fav i need to get more of them got it at kohls)




hair( it was hot and i wanted to show off back of shirt so i endedup just doing 2 sorta lose braids up top then pulled it up in pony tail)




lastly nail color(its red with sparkles)

6/9/11

i just need to say that my lil couisn broke my heart today nearly had me in tears see i watch her and her brothers ive been watching them all since they were born shes 4yrs old her brothers are 18 months and 8 months so it was just her for awhile and today she just broke down in tears saying how she got bigger and she cant do the things that she use to do nemore that shes not lil and her brothers are alwasy around it broke me shes sitting there bawlin gher eyes out and it broke me it really did no lil girl should feel like should b crying cause of that so i made it my day to make her happy to spend my hole day with her and to not c her cry like that. i wanted to cry with her she was so upset and so sad and she coudlnt even get her thoguhts out thats how bad she was crying an di never want to c her like that again.

so me and her spent all day upstairs in my room im usually downstaris helping out my mom wit the 2 boys as well but today i had to spend time with her it was dani and munchin day it had to b i cant c her that broken againi just cant. so we made osme bracletes together, drew pictures, she drew on my white board. played barbies, did a puzzle, colored in coloring books, watched phinus and ferb, spongebob, mickeymouse, big time rush and victiouris. we even jumped on my bed yeah i know no jumping on the bed but i need to made her happy we played jump on dani and bite dani and tickle munchin nething to hear that lil girl laugh

im not gonna talk abou tmy eating cause it wasnt great today i snacked to much and shared alot of food with her but i did take 3 diet pills and im bout to do a major room clean cause its gross and my dada put my ac in last nite thank godi can workout in my room now.

still havent heard from the dealership yet bout my car but they will call when its ready

_________________________________________________________

ivy-yes is wat nice cause me and him have butt heads for year so it was a good visit. dp u still not wear ur braclets? i was only able to go that one day with out them my anxiety has been too bad to do it again.

lou-yeah i hate how things are just so much money nemore its like really america really and thanx hun im ok i hop eur doing well i know ur in a tought spot right now im hear if u wanna talk

scared blogger- ha my blog is just a way to make sense of my life pretty much and i have to take them sereioulsy its my health adn u dont get that back and i knowmine isnt good neway but at least i can help it not get worse planned parenthood is a womens health clinic u get ur yearly guno visits, u can buy borth contorl get condoms pregency test but its lower price like its more afforable and its relaly great for ppl who dont have insurance. ha that post took me awhiel to write b4 i kept taking breaks and i got pills cause i need them they are like a safety net for me yeah i havent been otu with out the bracelets since it was jsut that one day i havent been able to do it sicne

bones- i know it was teh first good one i had it was surprising u know. thanx hunny ur a great person too u konw that right

coffee-yes im glad too

mich-i know i was jsut as surprised as u prob are bout the doc appt it was wow just crazy for once and yay shopping spree at kohls. yeah i dont have an office job yet im just in retail but ur write there is a time and place to show them adn it was liberating that first day it was great but ive been way to anxious to do it again im too scared to take them of fi managed taht one day and it was great but makes me evenmore scared. yes im on day idk purge free lost count but im proud of myself nwo id i could just get off the pills it would b better but that will take time yeah my doc didnt apy attention to the other numbers so o well

emma- yeahi havent been brave enoughi only went out with out them that one day adn that was it i havent been able to do it since i know teh kittnes are cute they are still scared and they wont come to use but we are tyring to make nice witht hem for we can find them a home. i dont do nehting speical to my hair it is acutallyr eally damamged adn it falls out alot but i guess it looks healthy to u guys

kitkat-thanx hun i feel like i make progress bu then take a few steps back so idk

CE- yeahi know the bc is really effective we were just being extra cautios b4 but not nemore my visits when fine he doesnt apy attetnion to the other numbers just the choestrol numbers

desesperee- ha yeah ihad sex ed u crazy girl idk we were just being extra careful i guess and i was always on bc and i know pull out isnt effective and trust me ive had my fair sahre of scares wheni wasnt on the pill even had some on the pill but we are ok does ur supply run out quikcer cause io nly get a years worth since i sue planned parenthood and i dont wanna fuck nething up by u know skipping things but mayb i wll try it like if my period falls on week he has vacation time cause that would just suck i will def look into that water we dont have many healthy food stores heare just big chain grocery stores small town remember but i will look for it

skinnygirl- not to b mean but i know purging is bad fuck ne eating disorder is bad and i now purgign fucks up everything im not stupid ive had eating problems my hole life but take care of urself hun

aly-thanx hun im a headband whore ihave so many of them

6/8/11

ok so i had my doctors appts 2day yes i said appts ihad 2 seperate ones today and surpisingly they went good adn thats saying something sinceme docs never seem to get alone and alwasy argue and butt heads cause i feel like they juts never listen to a word a say it goes in one ear out the other and they dont help me neway just criticize and tell me im doing things wrong when im doing things the way they told me to the last time i was there yeah so i was anxious going in my heart was crazy and i was ready for a fight but u know what it didnt come and i was so happy for that

my first appt was at 9am for my general doctor i butt heads with him the most this check up was to go over the blood work i had down for my cholestrol an di was excpeting him to yell at me telling me i did something wrong again but he came in smiling he said do u want the good news or the bad news first im like surprise me so hes like i will the good news is there is no bad news and im just staring at him with this wtf are u talking about face on then go wait that never happens it turned out my cholestrol went down alot and the one wen t down to much so i have to back off the meds a lil it was shcoked i have the numbers hwere i will type them out he was very happy so now instead of taking my simvastatin everyday i take one pill every other day or if thats to hard to remember i can do 1/2 pill everyday i mon the lowest dosagle 10mg so u guys not have to worry about the fda warning thing he asked about the side effect cause he was scared about those but i didnt get the muslce pain im just constantly nasoues and thats to b expected on them and then he asked how i was doing sicne he know smy stomach is a mess and i said im still having alot of problems with it he cant do neting else for me since the tests and ultrasounds came back clear so he said my best bet would to c a specialist. my uncle is going to help me find a good one hes a paramedic and like the best uncle ever so he said once i find a list of specialist that take my insurance he will help me find the best one and go with me as well yay for that. they didnt weigh me i think they have just given up on that front so whatver. and my blood pressure at that appt was 122/72. i go back in 4 motnhs but hes not gonna b there so i asked teh recepetonist lady if i should find a new one she acutally said that they have some1 who is going to b replacing him and he was a doc at St. Lukes so yeah ims stay there and try him out cuase st lukes is a good palce and if he worked there then he has to b good. o he also listend to my heart and lungs he does that every time i go since im alwasy sick hes use to my racin gheart and jut ignores that now but my heart even though racing is fun no missed beats or nething and my lungs despite having trouble breathing somtimes are clear. so score 1 point to me for that doc visit i was so happy i calle dmy mom after and said he didnt yell at me trust me when i say thats a first so yay that went good

here are the numbers
*total cholestrol- 192- was 258
*triglycerides-105- was 61
*hdl cholestrol-80- was 91
*ldl cholestrol-91- was 155
*glucose-85- was 114

here are the other numbers they are either low or borderline low but my doc doesnt care about those some of them are on the higher side

*BUN-6
*creatinine,serum-1.13
*bun/creatinine ratio-5
*sodium serum-141
*potassium serum-4.1
*chloride serum- 105
*carbpn dixode total-22
*ca;cium serum-9.6
*protein total serum-7.1
*albumin serum-4.4
*globulin total-2.7
*a/gratio-1.6
*bilirubin total-0.4
*alkaline phosphatase s-58
*ast(sgot)-24
*alt(sgpt)-16



ok 2nd appt was at 12:30pm at planned parenthood i use them as my gyno since i never acutally ever have insurancea nd theya re cheaper and i was expecting to be there for awhle sicne i alwasy am but i wasnt for once. i declined the std test cause raelly i dont need it the only persont hat i have slept with in the past 8 years is my boyfriend so no need for that. they did pap adn normal exam my pap was abnomral last year so lets hope its ok this year it was a quick visit the doc was cold and short and like clipped talking like ok there. i wasnted to swtich pills casue my cramps have gotten worse and it got heavier and it doesnt come on that tuesday like nomral it comes newhere from tues to fri and the nurse says that is nomral that if the pill is owrking i should stick to it. the doc asked me about switchiing and im like well the nurse said ti wouldnt b a good idea so she said that if ur getting cramps u should switch so she swtiched me to "modicon" i was on ortho cyclen and she said the modicon is like the one i was on different hormones though. my blood pressure there was 138/88 yeah so it went up mine changes alot i cant help it i really cant they didnt weigh me there either just asked so i sadi 105 im 103.8 naked i weighed dressed today and it said 105 so i went with 105 no lecture from them either on that i swear they have all given up on me. the nurses kept calling me kiddo yes i know ive been going there since i was 18 and its all the same nurses they know me but kiddo really im 25. but neway i tried to use insurance and the nurse said if i do that it would b more expensive the insurance company would charge me $38 a pack whwere pph is only charging me $17 so yeah just wnet with that. i got a eyars worth cause really the less ting si have to do the better i only have to go there once a year now cost me $214 yeah so im officaly broke my card is nearly amxed im stressed but its done withat least

i have heard of modicon has neone or has neone been onit or know some1 who is i would love to here about ti idid some research and its suppose to b diesgined toh elp with heavy periods cramps and pmdd so i hope it works out for me u know

i spent the other parts of my day palying with my lil couisns we had them today and we have them tomm as well i got them each a lil shirt from work the middle one put hes on right away but dman as soon as i walked int he door after my frist appt it was all dani dani dani dani dani like for 5 minutes straight everyone was calling me and i was like going crazy my head coudlnt take it but it calmed doewn and i got to paly with them until my 2nd appt then i came back and played with them after as well they are somthing let me tell u crazy and too smart for their own goods but i love them regardless the 4 yr old painted my nails she did a pretty good job i will leav eit the way she did it til she leaves tomm then redo it. the 8 month old is walking well walking a lil then falling then standng back up adn doing it again is so cute though and we had him laughing up a storm today it was the most precious thing ever adn then teh 18 month olf well he just never sits sill alwasy going and alwasy laughgin love them so much and i have off of work tomm so gonna play with them all day :)

so update on the car they called meyesterday saying it was a cracked head gasket that thye ordered a part and thy found aloaner car for me and i could pick it up at 1 now i had to b at work at 2 adn my car dealership is in nazareth so i was really pushing it i did make it in time barely though but i know if i called and said i was gonna b late they would understand my car is a 2009 ford focus barley 15,000 miles on it they said they should have it by like friday for me my rental is 2011 ford fusion i so fell in love with it its black on black its a lil bigger then my car but fuck moms like r u gonnatrade ur car in now im lik eno i cant afford it but damn i like the car i dont have to pay for the loaner ijust have to make sure the tank is full when i bring it back i better not have to pay for the loaner i bought my car brand new the head gasket should not have broken already

so heres my food long for today
*harvest veggie meldy-180
*chips-150
*carpi sun-60
*2 gerkin pickles-0
*fries-200 ish not sure
*piece of marable italin cake-?

also wnet to kohls today just cause had 30 percent off i swear im done spending money after this mom said shes even buy me some fruit next week tanx for being nice for once but i got a pair of workout shoes, 3 pairs of size 0 shorts, a small top then at work i got an xs dress here are the pics






o and one last thing my mom goes today do the docs ever say enthing cause ur so tiny uve been underweight ur hole lif eim like no ma they dont care they dotn even weigh me nemore

6/6/11

so i have some exciting news and very scary but exicitng and liberating i did it guys i did i went out in a tshirt and none of my bracelets on it was scary at frist but fuck was it great i caught myself tryiing to hid emy scars a few times like using my left hand to pay for things instead of my nomral right hand keeping my right arm pushing into me but evenutally i just gave up i did it i let my scars so to the world wow i never thought i would do that i went to target, shoprite and the car dealership my scars were showing the hole time i went tot he gym too but i alwasy wear a long sleeve shirt at the gym for i sweat more but wow guys i have no idea how good it feels to not hide myself to just let the world know yeah ih ave scars and idc if u c or what u think or if u judge me i did get a werid look from the cashier at target casue at that point i just handing the money with my right hand scars showing to the hole world she looked at me funny but fuck her idc she can look at me funny.

its not like they are fresh cuts nope i havent had a fresh cut in about a month mayb alil longer they are all healed but as u guys know fromt he pics they arent pretty either they stick out so much just from the size and the color

but i dont have to hide msyelf nemore u have no idea how good that feels i will still hide them from the boy i never told him i cut i know he has seen them and im sure he suspects but i havent flat out shown him and i alwasy have my bracelets on and i will tell him evenutally i just dont want to clutter hes head nemore then it already is

im still deciding if i should show them at work i work retail at old navy as most of u know now idk if i should wear my bracelts or not tomm idk what u do help me decide guys would it b unprofessinoal for me to have them showing or no. what do u guys think should i show them or hide them?

i bought new diet pills yesterday here they are




they are new i wanted to get OEP but walmart didnt have them and if i went on amazon i would of spent more moeny on books plus the pills and i just dont have the money for that. it says dont take them if u have anxiety issues o well im taking them neway. i was looking at other ones and the other ones all said dont take if u have stomach porblmes so i stayed way from those i have enough stomach issues already so got those. k directions are take 1 serivng in morniing with water and food and then take a 2nd dosage 6 hours later with snack and water. days 1-3 take 1 pill twice a day days 4-7 take 2 pills twice a day then from then on taek 3 pills twice a day. no since i never teak things constantly its gonna b hard for me cause i dont take pills on the days i work or nething like that so i will just take one pill when i can for now and if im ok i will up it to 2 then.

we also have a kitty family living under our deck its the mom and then her 3 babies they are teh cutest lil things ever i love them we are tyring to find homes for the lil ones we cant just leave themoutside my aunt said she would take one and we are trying to convince our dad to let us taek one in my sis picked out the one she wanted there is a black one, black adn white one, anda tan and white one. my sis wants the black and white one so so so so cute o i have a pic of the family mommy included





so who watched teh mtv movie awards last nite i did of course cause really ive watched them religiously for years adn im hoping RK will finally just kiss already we all know they are together they dont hide it will theyve won best kiss 3 years straight and still no kiss but i most admit rob running into the audience and kissing taylor was fucking hilerious then kristen running away from him and then hes ramblings and him dropping fuck and the sensros missing it pricless ha hes ramblings with presenting reese her award was the best i was in tears and kristen telling natalie the popcorn was hers and omg the trailer for BD part 1 fuck i need to c that movie now the trailer was epic i loved it holy fuck yes im a twilight junkie but ive read the books way b4 the moives were made so i didnt go laong with the crowd i was laready int he crowed when the moives were announced fuck yeah. the rest of the awards were great as well i wa lauhging the hole time it was good yeah iiknow most ppl hate those awards but god i love themi just a junkie for an award shows so o well

so my car is at the dealership yup fuck me not my day the roms were jumping around like fucking happy midget ppl there like all over the place when i am idiling like stlopped at stop sign red light or in traffic adn my bro and dad noticed that there was white exhaust coming out as well so i called them today well iw as gonna call neway about the rpms but then they tol dme about that so neway i called them adn explained and they are like u really shoudlnt b driving it they are concerned aboutt he white smoke so they said to bring up as soon as i could and im like i have to work tomm will it be down they are like prob we dont know we will try to get it done for u tonite but if not it will b tomm like ugh fuck them the boy said if its not done tonite and when i call tomm about it and its still not done to demand a loaner car for free casue fuck i need a car its the only one i had my bro had to follow me up there to bring me back home and ma said they coudln get me to work somewayt omm and then i have my doc appts on wednesday ma said i could use her car but it stales alot and yeah im use to driving cars that do that fuck my old car did it consntaly but i knew how to keep it running idk how to do that nemore ive had my new car for nearly 2 years now so yeah but when i dropped it off the mechanci was right there as well and they guy said that there were gonna look at it right away and he would do my best to have it done for me tonite and i know he meant it so lets hope

my bro took me to shoprite after i had a craving for mashed potoats but we didnt have ne of the flakes and i was out of my vegan brother so i offered to buy him a donut if he took me so while we were there decided to get a few things as well got:
*3 mangos
*6 nectarines
*5 different blends of frozen mixed veggies
*vegan butter
*garlic mashed potoato flakes

i made the mashed pototes there were 80 cals for the flakes 4 servings in one pouch so one pouch of flakes is 30 cals then called for cup of milk i used my almond milk so 35 and then called for 2 tbsp butter i only used one so 70(or is mine 80 we will go with 70) but neway the box had 2 packettes and 1 pakcette made 4 servings so ijust made the packettes so 1 serving is 106.25 fat me ate 2 servings and then had 2 servings of southerwestern corn(180, 90 cals per serving) it sitll tasted good but damn i shouldnt of eaten that i just took one o fmy diet pills and im drinking lax tea o yeah i went to target today got box of lax tea and box of detox tea its suupose to fgive u energy and supress ur appettie

so today i have eaten 3 small nectarines, 2 servings of garlic mashed potatos and servings of southwestern corn. as of right now that is prob all im going to eat might have some more fruit later mayb some cherries or another nectarine we will c

i went to teh gym today i did 65 mins on elly and guess what twilight saga new moon was on so i go tto watch that as well i burnt 468 cals there idk how many cals i burned ding my running around today at least that covers some of the food that i ate today. i need to work out more as well i def need to do some crunches my tummy is huge i need my abs more defined way more defined so yeah def crunches later gotta turn my fan on and do those

its getting hot here again and another heat wave in teh 90's is starting soon and my ac isnt in yet wai ti dont ahve an ac i have to go buy one i think me and dad might go out and get me one today when i say get me oneit means dani buys her own while her dad doesnt help yup my family loves me when we graduate high school we get a laptop for college that what my dad did yeah i had to pay for half of mine causei had a job but my sis and bor didnt have to pay for those he bought theres im like thanx thats really fair

but neway what was i saying idk but yeah guess i should clarify some things im not bulimic yes i purge but im not bulimic i dont consider myself bulimic nor does the medical world sicen i dont mmet the requirements so no im not bulimic idck what ppl think im not bulimic i am an anoreixc no i have never been diangoesd adn rigth nw i know i fall mor einto the EDNOS catergory sincmy weight is up a lil more and no i cant pin point when my ed started i know a good part of u can say this is when it started this is when i started the voices this is when it sucked me in but i cant do that i cant caseu it didnt just start i was alwasy this way alwasy u have no idea how it is to b this way ur hole life to alwasy have food issues but lil girl do u know wont eat certain tihngs cause u just cant i have a really bad texture issue as well i cant eat certain texutres certain colors certain things i have had my voices my hole life i have kep tmyself underwegith my hole life i have hated the way i looked my hole life i have alwasy thought i was fat i am alwasy working out always i am alwasy cutting things out i am such a fuckedup person even as a lil girl i was fucked up so dont judge me ppl and dont tell me it has to start at a certain point it can just b there i beleive i was born this way i was born 3 months ealry weeigh in at 1 lb 13 oz i was in the hospital for 3 months i never gained enough according to the doctors they let me go home neway i was hiooked up to breathing and heart monitors at home as well i forfot to breathe my family as pics of me and u cant even c me all the tubes and wires hide my they still talk about ho wmuch of a miralce i am that i shoudlnt b there and they are right i shoudlnt of srivied that but i did

and now im 25 yes old and everyting is catching up to me i still have troulbe breathing but i dont have asthma my lungs just hurt sometimes my heart races and my chest hearts but according to the doc my heart is healthy my stomach is a mess ic ant eat nething with otu being in pain my bowels are fucking fucked up my bones are weak and a slew of other problems my file at the doctors office is prob so big i was alwasy there as a kid alwasy sick alwsy hurt alwasy breaking something i dont have an immune system

o car update they just called some gasket cracked in my engine and its leaking collent or something which is causing the white exhaust to come out and he said that it is a problem and thats y they wanted to c it rigth away cause i shoudlnt b driving it they needed my permission to contorl to take it apart and look farther into it hes like it should b covere dunder warranty i asked again im like r u sure its going to b covered he said i dont c ne problem of y it shodulnt b the miles on ur car match the oil changes u have gotten u have kept it up to date so i gave him premsiion to work on it cuse realy ima say no and i cant drive it neway id rather have professinal look at it then my dad im like well how long is it going to take thes like idk we have to get into it adn take it aprt get a better look at it i will call u tomm with and update and then i mentioned loaner car im like thats the only car i have hes like rigth now i dont have ne loaner cars availabe they are loanded out or reserved but tomm i will call u with an update and if its going to take longer then tomm we will figure soemthing out about a loaner car

just my luck ugh

outfit/hair/update

heres the outfit that i wore last nite out with the boy. i was feeling really puffy from all th puring i have been doing lately so i tired to dress cute but also hide how fat i am and how fat i am feeling.




we went to tgifridays last nite for dinner and we had a coupon for a free appetizer or dessert and he codultn find an appetizer under $8(yes the coupon stated under $8) so he said i should use it get soem dessert he hasnt been pressuring dessert much lately cause he knows that my stomach just cant handle it nemore he knows how sick it makes me but i got some dessert last nite eating dinner with him was so hard cause all i wanted to do was purge but i dont do that not with him around i dont wanna hurt him nemore then i already am with my anorexia. but instead of getting an appy helikes with cheese and stuff he got one that i like my fav acutally its seseame chicken bites so good its like an asain taste he doesnt like it much but he got it for me. he didnt make me get a big meal either hes like just get ur chciken figners and fries and u can have dessert and thats ok he usually makes me or encourages me to get a good meal when im with him but he didnt this time idk mayb he say in my eyes how freake dout i was and tired he kepts asking if i was ok and everything but yeah o and they have a new dessert ice cream strawberry shortcake so i got that fo rmy free dessert and hes friend was there shared it with me theres no way i coulf of eaten it all idk y restraurnts have their servines so big its like fuck cant they make a singe serving like healthy single serving ugh


k here my hair i finfally got it right it took me idk how long but ha here it is




yay finally go me it looks right the ppl at work said it looked good too the one manager is like if u color ur hair to much doesn tit like fuck u up like get in ur brain or skin or soemthing im like idk but dw im done coloirng it for awhle i just had to get it right

so i worked 8 hours yesterday and 8 hours the day b4 and both days inearly passed out mulitple times each day ughidk what is up with that fuck im eating yeah ive been purging but ive still been eating i hate how fucke dup my body has been altely

but i managed to not purged yesterday i kept allm y food in and thats amiracle all on its own sinc eihavent been able to to that in a few days i didnt like it ididnt like it one bit having the food in me having my stomach gurgle so much cause it didnt want the food in me either it was so loud and then having the acid coming up and teh taste of food and me knwoing that it woudlnt take me long to get it all back up but im determined to get out of this cycle im getting pufffy my throat hurts all the time i keep scratching it with my nails and it keeps bleeding my chest is hurting alot again my knuckles are red and gross and dry u can totally tell the 2 fingers are drier then the rest my face is never clear its breaking otu and blotchy ugh i gotta stop this and im gaining weight i dont like gaining weight i need to lose it all

i go tot he docs on wed 2 different doc appts and i wanted to b way smaller by then adn its sunday already and i ate to much this monring an di didnt pruge it i know im going for day 2 purge free i did take diuretics though adn the acid is coming up i taste the food my stomach hurts so bad but i need out of this cycle and i need out of it now its messing up everything

but neway wed is my doc appts at 9am i go to my nomral doc to get the results for my blood work ti was just cholestrol but can they tell that ive been purging and taking diurettics from that cause i was doing that for days leading up to the blood work and event he day of the blood work well after th ey took my blood but still can they tell? does neone know?

and thena t 1230 i go to planned parenthood for yearly check up im usually there for while they like to run behind so it looks like no lunch of brekafast for me that day buti m thinking about switiching my birth control ive been ont eh pill orhto cyclen sincei was 18 im 25 now an di think ive become immune to it my period use to come same time every month tuesday nite no fail yeah nope not nemore not for the past couple months it comes newhere form tuesday nite to friday nite its still gone by monday nomatter what day it comes but most months its so painful that i just wanna curl up in a ball and die soemtimes i even pass out fromt he pain so i was thinking of switching to seasonique its the one were u only get 4 periods a year one every 3 motnhs and sincim alwasy on the go constanly moivng and doing something i think that one will b the best for me hopefully they agree

so today is day 2 pruge free well monring of day 2 i work 1-6 today yeah my scheudled is all fucke dup today and then ima come home and workout while watching mtv movie awards have to watch those of course i wastch them every year no fail and trailer for breaking dawn 1 is being premiered there have to c that and c what k stew is wearing i love her style shes jsut so down to earth shes not a stuck up star she does what she wants says what she wants adn wears what she wants she stays true to her self

i know this may be to muchin fomration for u guys but i share everything on her so o well if u dotn like it fuck u then idc im in a rare mood can u tell but neway
me and the boy had sex last nite yes we have sex yes we've been together for 8 years yes we have been ahving sx the hole time fuck i fucke dhim b4 we were even together sorry tmi there i was fucked up even worse when i was a teenager but neway last nite was teh first time we deicded that he wasnt going to pull out nemore we were just gonna relay on my birth control and i was alil scared cause ive never done that b4 he alwasy pulled out and the guy i was wiht b4 did the same so it was all new to me and him as far as i know but wow i shoudlnt of been scared it was so wroth it my heart is still all funny from it it was beating so fast last nite i got it calmed down enough tosleep but i woke up and it was still a lil funny but damn guys so worth it i love him som uch adn im glad that we are closer and taking that risk together and i do feel closer to him

ok my stmoach hurts and teh food in thretening to come up so ima go lay down for a lil b4 i have to get up and get a shower b4 work love u all hope u all have a great day

thankyous/commentreplies/miniupdate

first off thank u all for ur replies on my scar/selfharm/hide urself post it really did mean alot and to hear all ur stories really did help alot made me realize that i just have to fuck everyone else and do what i want that i shouldnt listen to what other ppl say that i shouldnt care what theythink and i shouldj ust ignore their stares and judging glances

so today i went to work for the first time with out my bracelets on yes i still had a long sleeve shirt on but i didnt put my braceles on under like i alwasy do adn my sleeves kept riding up and my scars kept shwoing yeah i kept pulling my sleeves back down but its a step in the right direction mayb some day i will b able to not wear long sleeve shirts or my bracelets and jsut let my scars show and say fuck everyone

*unbeautiful-well we are both crazy then ha thanx for ur psot hun and i know alot ppl do what we do its just still hard to cope though

*scared blogger-im not leaving you or going newhere hun so dont worry

*gianni-trust me they didnt taste good at all coming up im glad that u are cut free now hun wow 5 years that is just amaazing an dim so proud of u hun that is just amazing c i cut to feel numb to make my head stop yelling at me id rathr not c blood itmakes me nasouess. the pics dnt really make me feel better but i think that they just show a side of an ed that not many ppl see or know u know what imean

*lissa- i think ppl will judge u no matter waht cause its just how ppl are they judge u to make them feel better about themselves. its not the first time ive purged spicy food u think i would leanr my lesson yeah nope

*coffeexandxcigarettes-wow thats great that ppl dont bring it up see i feel that the ppl im around are nosey fuck they dont go a day with out commenting on how skinny i am so how am i suppose to let my scars show and have thema sk questiosn about them. glad that u agree about the pics

*adrianne-def let u know how the books are i got piles and piles of them in my room and piles of them that i havent read yet im an addcit i cant help it and yeah i stop from time to time too for a few months and then things just get to crazy and im back to it again it never ends

*lyz-yeahi hate that i cut i wish inever started but i cant regret that cause i dont regret things cuase whats the point of regrets when u cant go back and change them nemway u know

*bones-yeah i have a pile of bracelets tah i wear on my right arm to hid emy scars i just find it funny im a righty but i dont use my right hand to cut i could never hold it right i alwasy used my left god im fucked up.m glad that u dont find the pics offensive

*danielle-thanx hun i will def have to check that out sometimes

*desesperee-idk if i want to fade themc asue they are a part of who i am a part of the struggle that ive been thru and when i looked at them i reemmber allt he pain i went thru and how the cutting made me feel yeah i hate sseeing the scars but they are a reminder of what ive been thru and what i survived

*always striving-wow hun thanx for that comment i iwsh that i was that strong to acutally go thru with what u said and to ignore what otherp pl say and think bu tim not im a coward and it just scars me to bare my soul that much to let them show to let ppl know that i struggle with so many things and that i cant cope with things and that that is how i deal with things that i dont deal with things the way society would wnat me too but good for u for not caring and letting ur scars show

*mich-yeahi just feellike ppl judge wrist scars more then the judge other scars cause when they c scars on ur wrists they automatically assume that u have tried to kill urself that ur suicidal that u dont wanan live and my scars arent that they are a way to know that im still alive that i can still feel

*skinny girl- i am follwoing u now hun

*miss obession- im sorry if they made u feel bad or offened wasnt my intention ijust wanted to show the real side of an ed well one of the real sides and i thought those pics did that

*ally-glad that u liked it hun

*brittany- taht was th epoint to make ppl open their eyes to c that ed's are perfect or fun they are messy and fucked up

*emma- i dotn mean to b rude or nething but there is no fucking way in hell that i am going to give out tips or tricks or make u sicker or nething like that im fuckedup this blog is suppose to show the struggles tha ti have with my ed how fucked up i am how its ruining my life so sorry nope i cant help u i will never help ne1 get as sick as i am

*shrinking violet-im glad that u like the blog it helps me stay sane helps me make snese ofmyhead adn the thoguhts even if most of my posts dont make ne sense at least i got the noise out of my head and ontot he screen yes no more purging for u i dont want nething to happen to u


mini update

so i should just b locked away ina padded room and never let out i purged again today again that makes 2 times yesterday and one time today im fat gross huge elephant i dont deserve nething nemore i need to b watched i cant b left alone cause when im alone i purge fuck i purge when im not alone too casue no1 seems to care so fucking hell i need to get out of this purging cycle i hate it i hate it so much

6/2/11

i know some ppl might find these pictures offensive or that im glamourizing them trust me im not ive spend more time with my head in the toilet then most ppl i have bulimic tendencies i purged today but i find these picures artistic and it shows the truth about eating disorders as well in their own artistic way. i like to find beauty in my fuck ups and if u dont agree thats fine u dont have too but i wanted to share these neway







and i just wanted to thank uguys for ur comments and stories on my post yesterday i will t hank u all indivually prob tomm my head is just a mess today and its hard to even think straight but i just wanted to say that ur words really meant alot to me

6/1/11

y do i have to hide who i am what i struggle with just cause ppl dont understand or would freak out and automatically jump to conclusions y doi have to wear bracelets over these....(yes its my arm yes those are my scars they go all the way up to my elbow u just cant c all of them since they are white but my arm lookslike a checkered board)




i struggle with self harm bad i have depressiona nd anxiety no imnot trying to kill myself yes i have thought about it but no the cutting is not to kill myself it is to make me feel alive its too calm my head its to make the voices stop for alil bit its to make my breatihng slow the pain make me feel alive pain brings numb numb means that i dont have to feel for one fucking minute of my life i feel everything im a total nut case i know ppl think im crazy sure i am a lil crazy but y do ppl judge y do i have to hide who i am my self harming depressed snaxiety ridden anorexic pill popping purging self. its me all that is is me it makes me who i am but if i let that all out if ididnt wear my bracalets for one day how would ppl react? if u saw that on soem1 some1s arm all cut up what would uthink would u automatically think that they are crazy that they need to b locked up or would u understand them relate to their pain cause really its just a way to deal with stuff everyone deals with everything different thats how i deal i deal in a self destructive way do i hatemyself yes every day every fucking day but can i stop it no can i change who i am no will i keep going down the same path im going yes will it evneutally prob more the likely kill me yes theres a chance for that.

i freaked out yesterday i was looking at my arm thinkng y should i have to hide myself just cause society doesnt agree with what im doing i cant change me so y cant society just accept it just realize that its more common then they know but u know what they prob wont ever accept it and i will b shunned and pushed away cause of who i am cause of how i was born cause i am me fucked up and all

weight as of today- 103.4 lbs
food log for today
*mango
*1 packette lipton cup of soup chicken noodle
*1 packette lipton cup of soup spring veggies
*22 cherries
*few to many handful chips
*2 servings of unsalted energizer nut mix
*1 banana

no i start my 12 hour will prob b more closer to 15 hour fast no more food or tea(after i finish this cup) just water til sometime tomm
blood work tomm and they better do it this time
also stopping at targer after the new produce section of it opened today and tomm ima go check that out if i can get by fruit there and avoid the crazy grocery store then i am all for it

last random though my books came today yup i ordered more




o and fyi purging jalapeno poppers = bad bad idea they burn like fuck someting back up o and 6 diuretics on top of that also equals a very shaky weak and barely can stand dani yeah work wasnt very fun today cause of that but hey i made it thru it

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gianni- yeah i ate to amny of those and purged them bad bad bad idea they burn like fuck coming back up fukcers ugh no more buying those

adrianne- thanx hun yeah im not going to the gym tomm give it a breakima clean my car instead yes i have a bad leg i had knee surgry few years back and it never healed right and everyfew months it starts giving out again and hurting and frinding and it feels like its just gonna tear but ti never does

abbey roads-i dont mind hun and yes im 25 i met my current boy when i was 17