so i wrote this on a site that i mod on its an eating disorder site we dont think of oruself proana we are just there for support but neway i posted it so im posting it here its just copy and pasted hope it makes sense to u guys
ok ima try and get this all out and hopefully not confuse alot of u in the process im acutally kinda scared to write it cause i dont want ne of u to treat me differenty or pity me or judge me or nething if that makes sense i was talking to J yesterday thanx J for being there for me and talkign to me and calming me down and convincing me that its ok to vent on here that everyone here will b there for me regardless so love u J u really are the best
ok so to start off ive been fighting all my behaviors and thoughts and just everything and u guys have no idea how hard it is to do that i didnt tell neone i was trying to get better casue i didnt wanna dissapoint everyone when i failed or have u guys treat me ne different cause im not in the jaws of my ed like idk how to explain it i think it kinda just happend on its own as well. like most o f u know my ed is who i am i cant pinpoint when it started like most ppl can i was alwasy just this way i alwasy had my food issues my body issues my everything issues alwasy hated myselfthe way i looked just everything so its hard to change everything u know the only way of thinking and to change it all to try and idk b different to try and b happy and healthy and not let this disease contorl ur every waking moment its the hardest thing int he world and im really going crazy
like i think im crazy i know alot of u hear the voices and i do to but its not just me my voice yelling at me its acuatally voices and i dont want u guys to thik im crazy thatim losing my mind well i guess i kinda am but the voices are there and they drive me nut i know the boy believes me even ifhe doesnt understand it he believes that the voices are there that im not crazy its just who i am but when u got different voices yelling at u and ur trying to fight all of them its the hardest thing in the world bu tim trying im trying so hard
and it scares me cause alli wanna go is stop eating i dont wanna eat nemore at all i wanna jsut b tiny an dperfect and fragile i dotn want food i dont want it in me or aroun dme or nething and i have to fight the urge to not purge it back up every single day cuase since i dont know how to eat normal i over eat well my version of overeating at least cuase i guess my eating i smore on the nomral side if a nomral healthy likes them self person looks at it but to me its overeating and overeating in the extreme i dont wanna replace one ed with another i dont wanna replace my anorexia with bulimia just like i dont wanan replace it withe over eating or binge eatinng and do u have ne idea how hard it is to tryand b normal when u have no idea what nomral is neway like really what is normal what is the definition of it what do ppl think is normal and how come some ppl can b ok witht he way they look and not have a care int he world they can eat witho tu freaking out and then me i cant do ne of that i cant even get thru one day with out those thoughts or an houra minute my head is constantly going around and around and around
i know im not healthy i know im sick i know my body is fighing hence y i spent 2 weeks straigth naouses and a week straight with horrid chest pains and heartburn that i nearlytook myself tot he hospital every singe nite of the pain between teh sholder blades get so bad thatits ahrd to breathe. that at least once aweek nomatter how much ieat i still get dizzy and nealry pass out at work
but it seems like i just dont care causei wanna give upagain i wanna go back tot he only thing that i know i wanna go back to myeating disorder no matter how much it beats me up and kncoks me down i still wanna go bacck to that cuase its the only thing that i know how do i rewire everything how do i rethink everything how do i learn to love myself and not hate everything about me how can i look in teh mirror an dnot b completely disguisted by what i c i hate it i hate everything. i hate that ppl can eat what they want and not care they are happy and content and they dont have their minds constanly going about food and caloires and weight to not think bout what i eat wht can i eat how many calories is this or that ugh im sorry am i even making sense
my sotmach is worse the never and idk is all my issues due to my ed if i just learned to b healthier to get healtheir will my body like me better will all my issues just go away or r my issues duet o the fact that i was born 3 months eearly and im just predtermined to end up this way?
I understand exactly what you feel.. I only think about calories and that I'm going to be fat if I eat.
ReplyDeleteI look myself in the mirror and i don't like what i see at all :(
Food is 24/7 in my mind.. Sometimes i think i'm crazy too..
Hope you get well soon !!!
I understand how you feel, the constant preoccupation is inescapable... but I also know that you are strong enough to achieve whatever it is that you decide you want. Giving up looks easy, but you have the strength to choose an outcome and follow it through. Don't go back just because you think you're going to fail, and never underestimate yourself!
ReplyDeleteI can't really pinpoint exactly when it started for me either. I think it just gradually built up from when I was in high school until I actually realized it was a "problem" a few years ago. What tortures me the most is that I remember that I used to like the way I looked--at 15 pounds heavier than my current weight, I could look in the mirror and love what I saw. And now I hate mirrors. I wish more than anything that I could go back the way I was.
ReplyDeleteI hope we can learn to be better, and be healthier. All we can do is keep trying. It's worth the struggle if we can come out on top, and overcome our eating issues.
xoxo
thanks so much for sharing that with us. I don't think people will or should treat you any differently for wanting to take control of your life and your disorder and go in a different direction. It's great that you don't want to replace one problem with another-I think a lot of people don't recognize the danger of that.
ReplyDelete"u have ne idea how hard it is to tryand b normal when u have no idea what nomral is neway"
Totally feel this way!