theres no point nemore

srlsy what is th epoint in trying in goign to all these doctors for my issues and then just to have them say ur fine i cant help u there is no point i give up y shoudl i try so hard to beat this disease when its not acutally affecting me neway y fight it just y cause its obviously not affecting my health or making me sick according to tests. my echo came back normal my stress test was normal my stool sample was normal my blood work is in the range its suppose to b

how much sicker do i have to get for them to notice for things to show hmm mayb i should jsut test that theory out cause im not gonna get help now since accdoring to docs im not sick even though as we speak/type i have a pounding headache and an ache in my chest

today i had a nectarine, 3 tostitos, and ike like 4 or 5 handful of crackers dinner ima make rice and veggies im done trying to eat more theres no point in it nemore none waht so ever no if things acutally showed then yeah things would b different but according to th emedical world im not sick

time to go wash my car and try to calm and clear my head

8/30/11

so we went out to dinner last nite me the boy and hes one friend well out friend we went to tgi fridays cause i alwasy have coupons for that place since we have the stripes reward card and i tried i really did try to eat but it just wasnt working at all my acid reflux was so bad like so bad and u know how when it gets bad u can hear it at one point im just like i cant do it i cant eat nemore and he was fine with it but ihad one chicken nacho 1 and 1/2 grilled chicken stipes and few bites of my pasta thats it i had the bruschetta chicken pasta if u saw my plate it looked like i didnt eat nething and i didnt even take it home with me ijust coudlnt do iti eat fo rhim im trying to get better i really am but i just coudlnt do it the acid was coming up so much and the food was trying to ocme up as well and it was loud and gross an di have a sore throat today from all the acid coming up and no i wasnt throwing up if u guys know or suffer from acid reflux u know how much it sucks im on 40 mg of nexium a day and its not helping at all idk what to do nemore u know

i have my echocardiogram today at 11:45am and i still have to call and schedule my egd my scope of my stomach

its all so hard i c the boy and the hurt in him and hes like theres something wrong there has to b and the docs have to find it if they dont ima call them and give them apiece of my mind hes dad and bro both died of heart attacks unexpected sudden heart attacks they saw docs all kinds of docs and they never found nething kept saying everything was clear that they were fine and then bam they arent here nemore and i dont want that to happen to me he doesnt want that to happen so eyah i need answers and i need ppl to stop telling me im fine that that cant help me

and im tiredof the skinny comments i knwo ppl woudl love them but trust me they are annoying after awhile i got like 3 this morning all b4 730am just what i want in the morning i was downstairs talkign to my sis cause shes going back to colllege today(she was suppsoe to move in saturday but due tot he hurricane they coudlnt move in til today) so neway i was done half laying half sitting on the couch and idk what she saw but shes like dani ur too skinny and thenmy mom goes u want some of my fat and im like um n o shes like well u coudl use some of it and then my sis was talking bout how she was talkign to her friend yesterday her friends baby shower is the end of september and my sis told her not to worry bout food for me i will jsut bring my own and her friends like damn i forgot she cant eat nething well we are havin ga veggie plate ijust want ppl to stop already im tyring i really am but havign all these stoamch issues on top of it its not a piece of cake or a walk in the park it makes everything harder

well i shoudl go shower b4 my test
heres my outfit from last nite what dou guys think? too skinny not skinny enough i cant c myself clearly and idk my weight scale got taken away a while ago

outfit

so thats the outfit that i wore on satruday nite out with the boy we just went to dinner b4 the storm got to bad we went to red robin and it was dead se got our food so quickly it was nuts but neway yes back to the strom the hurricane that wasnt as bad for use as it was predicated to me. my room was a mees cause the roof leaks it wasl eaking and u just heard water like gushing in like a waterfall at one point. i move dmy luandry basket in front of my closet door my computer was well. i moved my books that are on that one self(i have books all over my room) but i moved those off and under my bed i put a garbage bag over my self and over the food bin andu know what it was all we tand my phone managed to get soaked as well i had it sittin go my fridge were it leaks isnt even right overmy fridge but yeah my phonw got soaked it and was plugged it so the battery is like shot at the moment. for the longest time it woudnt work at all it was so wet i put the battery in rice i blow dried the batter i got my phone all dry and it still woudlnt turnon i was freaking out cause i cant afford to by a new cell atm and i was gonna lose all my numbers and my pics but evenutally after playing iwht it mand squeezing it igotit to turn on and as the day went on i got it to work more and more at first the frist screen woudlnt work at all (i have an env touch) and the inseide was flickering and stuff but evneutally it all started to work well almost it turns itself off randomly and my end button doesnt work and afew keys onthe inside of my keyborad dont ligth up but hey it works thats all that matter right now

so back tot he strom my town is still in a state of emergecny cause of the delaware river and i had to work yesterday we were all hoping that we didnt ahve to but nope my mall opened illegallyand we had to come in to work and i was getting so tired of answering the phone just for ppl to ask if we were open i wanted to say nope im just answering the phone for the hell of it i get that alotof places are out of power i get that but y even come out in it yeah the rain was down but it was still windy as fuck outside the lights were flickering at work and i got yelled at by a cusotmer as well trying to tell me about a sale that weh ad that we didnt acutally have i was like so close to losing it 7 years in retail u learn to deal with ppl like that but my manager said i handle that well so yeah

we dont ahve much damamge in my town a few trees down a few wires down some ppl without power and a few sinkholes that are bad skinholes and a bunch of roads were closed but ithink they are open today they were cloesd yesterday so had to tak ea different way to work and from work and some of the ppl that lived in pa had to take a diffferent way home cause they sloced cemetery curve on 22 both ways

but neway me and the boy were suppsoe to go to philly today to the zoo but we arent nemore philly is amess an we dont know what roads are closed or open so we just arent going i love the zoo but we dont know if we can even get ther eu know the river flooded there and its right by the zoo so yeah o well

8/27/11

i have so many of ur blogs to catch up on im sorry i will get to that evneutally when i have time but thisis my work/life scheudle for the next week

*8/27-11-5pm
*8/28-11-630pm
*8/29-philly zoo as long as the hurricane doesnt fuck things up
*8/30-echo(ultrasound of my heart) 11:45am
*8/31-10-6pm
*9/1-430-930pm
*9/2-10-6pm
*9/3-11-7pm

all my bloodwokr is come back in the nomral range she was gonna say just nomral but then she changed hermind and said nomral range so idk if my numbers are a lil funky but in the range so they cant do nething about it. my stool sample came back clear of blood and my stress test came back clear so i have to call and schedule my egd- scope of the stomach and stuff. there is stomething worng but nuttin is showing up u know how hard it is to b in this much pain to b dizzy all the time and do me told nuttin is wrong i drank 4 cups of powerade 0 yesterday cause i was so dizzy and im eatign a shit ton of shaltim not suppose to have salt at all and its not good to drink that much powerade but im do dizzy and it hlep and th elonger im on my feet the worse i get buti dont have a choice i have to work

my head is a completel and total disaster but this is me took pics laying donw flat just laying the same 3 slightly diffrent angles im gross sorry guys to subject u to this






the boy is on vacation this week so i get to c him everday but he told me no to ruin hes week cause he just wants to spend it with me so i have to some how get m head in control an dmy moods stablizabed god y is everything so hard?

8/24/11

i give up i give up i just give up whats teh point nemore of trying of going to all thiese docs of having all these test if i know that nuttin is gonna show up neway cause nttin ever does i feel like shit every day my health isnt good but nuttin ever shows the chest pains are there not everyday but they get so bad at times i nearly puke but u now what my stress test today came back clear it was a min test how can they tell from a 2 min test everything i read on line said u do it til u cant nemore nope not my doc 2 mins done nutti happen ur fine but i still dont feel fine echo test is tuesday but uncle says that since stress test is clear that prob will b too

i should jsut accept that fact that no matter what im alwasy gonna b in pain and thers nuttin i can do about it

i will update more when my head is more clear mayb onsat when i have off of work and iw ill check out ur updates as well

8/21/11

so here is the outfit i wore on friday



i cant believe im 100 lbs i dont look 100 lbs well nto to me at least do i look 100 lbs to u guys do i actaully look that small cause i dont c it but please be honest with me ok just please.

so me and the boy talked alot bou tmy heart and everything he told me to not to worry bout it that things are getting done now and that its good that some1 in noticing and is helping me that there is no need to worry cause i cant change it. that if seomthing is wrong it wont matter neway i will take meds change my life or diet or do whatever i have to and me and him will b ok. he told me to just focus on the docs and work and not to worry bout not having extra money he will take care of that. hes scared to do nething that will affect my heart though he doesnt want me working out til we get it figured out and hes scared to have sex too i understand y he is scared but i just wanna b with him too and my not owrking out is the hardest thing in the world

but i tried to do crunches last nite and then my heart started to beat really fast and i laid sown next thing i know its liek 2 hours later and yup passed out once again i told him that i did crunches and it went to fast and i feel asleep i didtn say passout u can only scare the person that loves u so much he told me to stop i dont need to do it im 100 lbs its ok to just not work out and i said that i ate to much he looked at me and i changed the statement saying for me i ate to much it felt like to much it was to much for my head and he gets that then he really does ij ust want it all to end already im tired of being sick and i told him that he told me to just hang on a lil longer to fight it a lil longer and things will b ok

and im really trying to do that idk how i lost the weight i just dk how it just happpened and i told him that and hes ok with that cuase i told himi was eating granted not enough but im eating and he said yeah u eat but u dont eat enough ot fatty food u eat fruit ur not gonna gain weight fromt hat but we kinda have a plan once we get my heart and sotmach all figured out then we will work on my eatin gmore and if i can get myself better or at least a lil better were im not so weak and in pain all the time next summer we can go on a real vcation like a real one no 1 day trips or 2 day trips a real honest to god vacation and i want that so much he even said if i have a ggod job and no vacation time we willl still go and figure it out somehow cause that is just what we need time away away from it all

he asked me if i knew or had ne idea of what was going on with my heart and idk i just dont know it could b nething it could b seriou or just an irregualt heart beat so who knows

so heres my week

8/21- work 11-630 then sis's going back to college party ima miss most o fit cause of work
8/22- blood work in the morning mayb gym after but since im not allowed to work out prob just walk on the treadmill then mayb wash my car
8/23- work 10-6
8/24- stress test at 8pm and ifi dont wash my car on mondy i will wash it that day
8/25-work 11-7
8/26-work 11-7
8/27- idk i never knwo what to do when i have a satruday off cause i dont get those much but we will c

my ekg test in 8/30 at 1145 am we planned a trip tot he philly zoo on 8/29 and hes trying to cnacel it but i told himi still wanted to go hes like ur sure u'll b ok u heart and eveything im likeyeah please i wanna go

i dont want neone to treat me different just cause im sick u know and work is starting the one girl asked howmy staomch appt went and the one manger was there and she heard me say i have to go to the cardiologist she doesnt treat me ne different but idk if she told the other maanger cause yesterday i was carrying a bin full of denim(im so done with this denim sale its crazy) and the one guy manager said u sure ur ok with that and im like yeah i got it. i dont want pity or ppl to treat me different i knwo my limits well not really but u know what i mean

and my friend tried to kill himself last week well not really my friend hes the boys friend but since me and boy beent ogether for 8 years hes my friend too but it was caseu hes girlfriend broke up with him took pills and alcohol but he called 911 himself but he was in state hospital for a week and is now on bipolar meds and 2 antidepressants he drank last nite whick i told teh oby he should and he said he just looks so tired im like yeah thats what the meds too they kind just suck the life out of u they calm ur head and everything but im just tired of all the drama

the boy goes i hate drama with relastionships hes like im glad we dont have drama im like no we dont im just crazy but we are fine hes like i know but ur working on that and u will b ok

so yeah i gotta get a shower soon and go to work ugh hate retail

doctor appt

sorry but im freaking out right now i went to gastro doctor today and jsut is how it went first and for most they are scared about my heart

i have to go c a cardiologist cause of my heart palpitations and chest pain and dizziness and fainting. cause of my blood pressure an dmy pulse rate the look the doc and nurses were giving me was just wow. im just so scared he wants a stress test ekg like a hole clearance all of it we spent more time talking about my heart then nething else

but i have to call them tomm the nurse tried to call for me but the office was closed so i have to call tomm but i just talked to my uncle and he doenst trust the guy at all that they want me to go to so he told me to go to some1 else like i hope thats ok with the doctor and everything my uncle is a paramedic and i trust him with my life so i will go with the guy that he suggest

imjsut scred right now u know my uncle is gonna go with me wheni get it done and the boy is just like get it done as soon as possible

what if there is something wrong im so scared

its like no1 could believe the nurse at the desk when the other nurse told her looked at me and said ur dani but ur only 25 wow ur young its like they are really scared for me and i guess its not nomral for young ppl to have heart issues.

hes not really concerend with my stomach that much he ordered alot of blood work : basic metabolic panel, cbc w/ diff, hepatic function panel, amylase, lipase, free t4, and tsh and slway 2 different stoll samples and test as well.

he wants to do a scope but he cant do that until i have my heart cleared.

criteria for diagnosis

these are the criteria's ppl most meet to b diagnosed what do u guys think"

Eating Disorder Diagnostic Criteria from DSM IV-TR
307.1 Anorexia Nervosa

* Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and
height, for example, weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight less than 85%
of that expected or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth,
leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected.
* Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though underweight.
* Disturbance in the way one's body weight or shape is experienced, undue influence
of body weight or shape on self evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current
low body weight.
* In postmenarcheal females, amenorrhea, i.e., the absence of at least 3 consecutive
menstrual cycles. A woman having periods only while on hormone medication (e.g.
estrogen) still qualifies as having amenorrhea.

Type

Restricting Type: During the current episode of Anorexia Nervosa, the person has not
regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior (self-induced vomiting or misuse
of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas).

Binge Eating/Purging Type: During the current episode of Anorexia Nervosa, the
person has regularly engaged in binge-eating or purging behavior.



307.51 Bulimia Nervosa

* Recurrent episodes of binge eating characterized by both
1. Eating, in a discrete period of time (e.g., within any 2-hour period), an amount
of food that is definitely larger than most people would eat during a similar period of
time and under similar circumstances.
2. A sense of lack of control over eating during the episode, (such as a feeling that
one cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating).
* Recurrent inappropriate compensatory behavior to prevent weight gain, such as selfinduced
vomiting, misuse of laxatives, diuretics, enemas, or other medications, fasting,
or excessive exercise.
* The binge eating and inappropriate compensatory behavior both occur, on average, at
least twice a week for 3 months.
* Self evaluation is unduly influenced by body shape and weight.
* The disturbance does not occur exclusively during episodes of Anorexia Nervosa.

Type
Purging Type: During the current episode of Bulimia Nervosa, the person has regularly
engaged in self-induced vomiting or the misuse of laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.

Nonpurging Type: During the current episode of Bulimia Nervosa, the person has used
other inappropriate compensatory behavior but has not regularly engaged in selfinduced
vomiting or misused laxatives, diuretics, or enemas.

307.50 Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified

1. For female patients, all of the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa are met except that the
patient has regular menses.
2. All of the criteria for Anorexia Nervosa are met except that, despite significant
weight loss, the patient's current weight is in the normal range.
3. All of the criteria for Bulimia Nervosa are met except that the binge eating and
inappropriate compensatory mechanisms occur less than twice a week or for less than 3
months.
4. The patient has normal body weight and regularly uses inappropriate compensatory
behavior after eating small amounts of food (e.g., self-induced vomiting after
consuming two cookies).
5. The patient engages in repeatedly chewing and spitting out, but not swallowing,
large amounts of food.
6. Binge-eating disorder: recurrent episodes of binge eating in the absence if regular
inappropriate compensatory behavior characteristic of Bulimia Nervos

8/16/11

question for u guys it has been going thru my head for awhile now an di want to knwo how u guys think

do u guys think that weight has nething to do with ur health in ur ed? like do u think underweightppl are more likely to b sicker say then over weight or nomral weight ppl do u think that the over weight ppl can fast longer with out ne side effects and do u think that they should b allowed to fast and do things and then tell say an underweigth person not to do the same thing they are doing?



im just wondering cause ive been getting alot of shit cause im underweight my weight has nuttint o do with my health i have been underweight my hole life yes my health sucks i knw tat i accept that an di know its causeo f my ed buti feel like no matter what ur weight or what stage of ur ed u are in beginng middle or been doing it for years ur health can go at ne time no matter what it coudl go qucily ori t could take a while to go or mayb it will never go but i would never tell some1 not to fast and then go and do it mysel fthat is just hypricatal if u ask me if u tell some1 its not safe and then go do it urself ur lieing if thatmakes ne sense to neone? i just wanna know ur thoughts how u feel about ed's do u think some1 cant have one just cause of their weight? do u think its fair that hospitals and ppl only take say anorexia seriously if the said person is dangerouly underweight? dou think the criteria for being diagnosed with ne ed needs to be changed or is it fine the way it is?

computer backgrounds

so i made 3 today cause my head started to go crazy and i needed to distract myself here they are let me know what u think

outfit

front view




back view





i havent had a good mental week at all and im juts amess soim trying the hole look cute mayb feel better about urself thing adn this dress in just reall comfy

u know how sometimes u just have to do something completely reckless completely stupid something that could get u in alot of toruble if u got caught something that is thrilling and keeps u on the edge of ur toes something that makes u heart race and ur mind go crazy just cuase it makes u feel alive just cause u want to feel alive

8/12/11

so i went to barnes and nobles today even though i shoudlnt of but i did i was having a bad mental week and i needed the pick me up and trust me book sotres can do that i could spend hours and hours in there and there are so many books i want so so so many but i walked out with 5 new ones




*the gluten free bible- new cook book yay
*the black swan the impact of the highly improbable- nassim nicholas taleb
*fragile- lisa unger
*not my daughter- barbara delinksy
*passion- lauren kate

i really ahve to update my books page iwill get to that evenutally when idk cause i have so many new books to add to it i have an addiction i know

while at the mall also got a bracelet for charlotte ruse




it wa sa crazy day today i didnt go tot hegym cause i though me and my sis were gonna leave earlier to go on our adventure but we didnt we left at 1pm so at first we took the bout 25 min or so drive to Washington to the inspection station for i can get eh PA stickers off and the 1 new jersey one put on its not hard to get thru but i hate driving thru that town its a cute lil town but busy as fuck especailly the main road which i needed but we got that done and went back on to route 57 whcih lead uss to 22 and the tollbridge whichi had to borrow a dollar from sis cuase i didnt have cash and then back on 22 were we almost get runn over my a fucking truck he kept switching back and forth between lanes it was nuts c this is y i hate going into PA cause trucks can b in left lane there they cant here in jersey but neway i spent some time trying to not get run over by the truck but thank god he finally got off and me and my sis coiuld realx ugh mother fucker but we took 22 to whitehall and the lehigh valley mall at that point we were in the the car for over an hour between the both about 30 mins to station then from statin to mall another 40ish and of course the mall is bigger and bigger so its hard to find parking c thats y i like my lil mall u can park easily adn i mean easily cause half the sotres in the fucking place are closed but whatever. we fianlly do get a parking spot and we hit barnes and nobles first of course have to hit that i got my 5 books and she got the harry potter stuff she wanted yes i still have to read those books itsont eh list i know that but yeah but then we go to the starbucks in the barnes and nobles cause i have gift cards and we dont have one by us but yeah after she makes out drinks find out that its not an acutal starbucks but the sell and make everything starbucks does so fuck me had to use my deibt card fo drinks which i really dont have the extra money for but neway i got a venti tazo passion iced tea lemonade unsweetened and sis got strwberry banana smoothie. we just walk aroudn the mall for alil its 2 stores whick we arent use to got stpes are tiring but hey exercise is execise right but we went into a few stores looked around wanting to buy stuff but didnt we were good :) go us we did break down in charlotte ruse though i got the bracelet and she got earrings is was 2 for $8 so yeah. that was our day left at one got to left inpection station 135pm at the mall 210-215is then home a lil after 4ish mayb 430pm not sure but we got stuff down and it got me out of the house it was nice but i hate ppl so many damn ppl and ppl cant drive either i damit im prob not the best driving in the world but ive been driving sicnei was 17 im 25 now no accidents only hit a curb onces damn snow and only been pulle dover once got out of it but fuck ppl liek drive liek ur nt driving to kill everyone else ont he road already ugh ok rant over

o and yeah im even biggger klutz its getting worse spiilled tea on me twice today, spilled coco puffs ont he floor and wacked my already banged up knee yup im in good shape ugh

8/9/11

sp i go c the gastroennterolist on august 18th at 4pm and its kinda verve wracking u konw cause what is he gonna tellm e am i to fucke dup or am i just fine and all mypains and issues are just null and void

but ugh im looking at the paperwork an di have to fill it on one page is alist of all medication im taking so of course iw ill put done my birth control, mychoelstrol meds and my vitamins(i fianlly started taking them again) im not gonna put down the b12 and biotin that i have a hbit of taking way to many of but im not doing it everyday so yeah im and im trying to stop it and now onto the fiber pills i take like up to 8 a day almost everyday and i dont want him to yell at me for that so would it b bad to just put like i take 4.

it also ask if ive lost weight and yeah im alwasy lsoing and gaining weight so i guess i shoudl but yes on there but they wanna know how much idk how much sincei dont have my scale so shoudl i guess or just put like a question mark for that?

i will answer allt he stomach issues truthfully no matter how embarrasing they are buti have to since it is the stomach doctor

and then on the on page it has al ist of things to chekc if u experience here is the list

*headache-yes
*chestpain-yes
*wheezing
*easy bruising-yes
*weakness/paralysis-yes
*fever-yes
*palpitation-yes
*shortness of breathe-yes
*arthritis
*dizzy/ light headed-yes
*chills-yes
*fainting-yes
*burning on urination
*rashes/ sking problems
*seizures or tremors
*night sweats-yes
*cough-yes
*vaginal bleeding-idk what they mean but this yeah i bleed when hav emy period
*swelling
*eye problmes-yes

like how fucked up does it make me that i have to chekc almost all of them like i said ima b as honest as i can and if he does come out and ask if i have an eating disorder theni will say yes but i wont out myself

and ygh i hate america and the job market i cant find a job ive applied to 6 jobs int he last 2 weeks and no call from ne of them i apply even if i dont meet lal the reguiremtns cause realy how am i gonna have th eexperince if no1 will give me a chance int eh first place u know ugh the only experience i have is in retail and i will not work in retail the rest of my life i just refuse too im better then that i cant get a better job if someone will just give me a damn chance like fuck

_____________________________________________________________________
acka11-thanx i try and amtch the pics witht he lyrics it makes it more real i knwo u woudl never call me stupid its just alot of ppl have and its ahrd

skinnygirl- i will never ge tmy scale back its prob in a landfill by now and c i dont use typical thinspo sincei dont look at it like that i look at it as art. im use to things being bad

zoe-ur more then welcome to use it if u want

ayden- dont feel bad hun its better then having the boyworry about me even more

desesperee-o hunu really dont have to amke me nething its ok u have ur life to worrybout u shoudlnt have to worry about me

rachel b nutt-always here for u hun and i dont think ur fat so dont think that either im so proud of u for tyrign to b healthier its great i wish i coiudl but im so fucked up

bones-sometimes ijust dont feel strong though i awlasy eat now when im feeling weak but sometimes it just doesnt u know my body is just so messed up i hav emy good days and my bad days

sarah- alwasy htere for u hun

scared blogger- thanx ais for alwasy being there for me it means alot

CE- love u too hun

brittney- im trying to stay safe its just hard

americaneagle- thanx hun i wish i coudl c what u guys c but nope sadly i dont. lol it wasnt creepy just do some crucnhes everyday and ur abs will start coming too and yeah my scale isnt coming back he made me throw i tout so its in a landfill somewhwere ugh

thingueen1- i feel allt he jelly though

samzi-im only5'5 hun im not tall or nething

black angel- thanx hun

zoe- yeah idk my conversions nemore i really gotta learn them again

loseit- thanx for ur guess hun i kinda knwo my weight now

more then me- i love my tattoo too yeah i know he loves me and hes just trying to make sure im ok but its still hard u know

aly-yeah c i didnt do that chunk on purpose it was an accident

meghann-c i got my tape measure taken away too so i cant even measure at all but thank u for th eparagraph and u can write as much as u want no matter what and when ok thanx for it though an didk how long i was alwasy into sports so i guess its just nautral to have abs im not a face book person but u can email me at danirkt@hotmail.com if u want thats my msn too

mich yes i have alwasy been a clutz its horrible and yeah mines take for ever to heal and bleed and juiced out for like 2 days disgusitng i know im so going to have to look into the smelling salts it woudl b better thene ating so much. what even is nomral like really what is eating normal caus i have no idea yeah chrons is the worst thats what my grandmother had i know meds will help if there even is nething wrong with me who knows

lilah lee- yeah its hard to want to do it on ur own an dim not doing well with it either but i dont have a choice right now so o well

needlesedge- yes u shoudl take teh plunge too anad get urself checked out

8/7/11

well i sorta know my weight i have an idea of it atleast i went tot he gym yesterday and i weighed myself there in my cheering shirts soffee shorts and socks i took my shoes off its said 106.5 so i subtracted the clohtes the liter of water i drank and the too much food i ate b4 hand so i figured im still around the range of 102-103 lbs that i was in when i got busted and everythign got taken away

one of these days next weekim gon tot he gym with out eating or drinking nething b4 hand and weigh myself and try and get a more accurate reading i will bring a granola bar and eat it b4 my workout for i dont pass out

i nearly passed outyesterday after ym workout my head was co couldy i was so dizzy my vision was blurry and going in and out i was gonna call the boy to come and get me have some1 drive him there for he can drive my car home but i decided that i didnt wanna bug him or worry him so i just sat in the locker room for a lil drank some water till it calmed down a lil bit for i coud drive home

i made 2 computer backgrounds yesterday here they are

fridays outfit

food log for friday 8/6/11

breakfast
*6 half spoons of choc cake icing
*nectarine

at work 10-6pm
*6 cherry tomatos
*23 cherries
*1 triple stuffed oreo

dinner-longhorn- out with the boy
*1 small slice honey wheat bread with a lil butter
*appetizer- he got cheese fries came with jalapona peppers on them. i ate the peppers and just picked the outside of the fries that didnt have cheese on them
*my meal- serria chicken- came with 2 peices grilled chicken topped with chopped tomatos and 2 sides- veggies and rice. i ate half a piece of one chicken half of the rice and half of the veggies.


i promise iw ill answer all ur comments soon

no food in 12 hours....

and im still a fat ass gross disguisitng huge elephant an di have to eat today cuase im working 8 hours on my feet so i f i dont iwill surely pass out and i dont need that recovery sucks being forced into it is even harder and teh funny thing is i know i need the help i know it but i have a life and ajob and im 25 i spent way to long gettingmyselfwere i am now and i cant just drop everything to go to hospital ugh

more pics took this morning im still gross

please tell me my weight

i dont have my scale nemore and im freaking out i need to know my weight i just need it i got my scale take way awell as my tape measure pills and razors so i have pics i took them today its after a day of eating since its nearly 8pm now an di just took them but please please please b brutuallly honest with me i know i need to do major damage control

o and if neone wants to talk u can email me here danirkt@hotmail.com that is also my msn as well so add if u wanna

front view




side views







and if neone was wondering and wont b grossed out this is the chunk i took outo f my knee earlier

self esteem test

i jsut toook a self esteem i scored a 5 out of a 100 whihc si really bad if u ask me

u can take teh test here- self esteem test


this is what the results said about me

"Your results indicate that you seem to have a very low opinion of yourself. You tend to put yourself down a lot, falling victim to your own self-depreciating statements. Essentially, you are suffering from a lack of self-worth, an issue that many people encounter at some point in their lives. A weakened sense of self-worth can result from a wide range of factors: perhaps you've recently gone through a particularly difficult period in your life, or you didn't get the support you needed from others when you were growing up. The important thing however, is not to figure out who/what is to blame; it is to recognize that it's now up to you to boost your self-image. There are certain attitudes and beliefs that have been found to contribute to and "feed" a negative self-image, and you appear to have a lot of them. Examples would be believing that you don't deserve to be loved or respected, believing that you're not good enough for someone, and focusing only on your perceived faults rather than good qualities. While you may not necessarily feel all of these things all of the time, they are ingrained in your mindset to the point that they are surely affecting your life. You may not even realize it, but these beliefs can discourage you from pursuing your goals, cause you unnecessary stress, and even become self-fulfilling prophecies. A change in mindset could make all the difference in the world."

8/4/11

i think im like unintentionally hurting myself now i dont have my razors nemore soi cant do that but i think that my head is so lost an dim so confused that i dont even realize what im doing nemore that im not paying enough attention in everyday life to function so i keep hurting myself and idk evenknow it


on monday i wacke dmy elbow hard at work on a drawer a fucking drawer that has been there the nearly year that i have worked there but what do i do i wakced it so hard i got a shooting pain going up it tears in my eyes and its stilll alil sore now


and then i have bruises all over my leg just cause i keep walking into my bed uthink i woudl know my bed is htere sicne its been in the same spot for years but nope i keep walking into it the bruises just never go away


and then today my stupid ass took a chunk outof my leg iw as drying off after my shower like i alawys do i put my leg up on the counter dry it off then take it down and repeat yeah well app i wasnt paying attention or idk lost in my head once again but i guess i didnt move my leg enough cause i hit it hard on the corner u coudl c my skin on the edge and now i have a huge chunk misssing an di have to clip ogg the extra hanging skin and im limping alil causei thinki knocked my knee cap out a lil damnit and thats my good leg too

8/3/11

i spent a good portion of my day today just trying to keep myself upright to keep myself from falling down and to keep me vertical it was hard

idk what was wrong but i felt like i was just gonna pass out most of the day and ht elil bit i can handle its when u start getting really dizzy and ur heart goes nuts and ur shakign so bad that i cant handle and that badness happened 3 times 2day twice at work and once at walmart while i was standing in line

i felt lik ei was gonna do down most of the day but htat was jsut general weakness i can handle im usually pretty weak and exhasuted i can handle that just cause i think my body isuse to it but when that bad ones come those are scary

i tried to wait it out but at one point i had to go to the backa nd have a lil choc just to help a lil and also drank more water

idk y im so out o fit lately im eating way to much way more then im comfrotable with and i ahte it i hate ita ll make it all stop please

8/2/11

how fucked up is this how fucked up does it make me

i was boiling water for mashed potoates 2day yeah u have to boil 1 1/2 cups water and a lil butter i use vegan butter and it was down at a full boil and all i wanted to do was dumb the hole thing on my arm i wanted to so bad i wanted the pain and the burning i wanted it all and im pretty sure if no1 washole i would of done it.

imnot coping well with life at all i just cant handle it everyhting is crazy and out of control i can feel the fat just growing on me somuch i c myself getting fatter and fatter and fatter iw ant my scale back i need to know the damage i need to know how fat i have gotten ijust need to know

and i know that im gonna get wrose b4 i get better i know that ima get way wrose b4 i can get all the help i need sincei am stubborn and i cant accept help form others ineed to pay for it on myown

i was looking at eating disorder recovery workbooks all the good ones are really expensive ima have to save up for a good one casue aonly the best will work if ima do this im doing it 100 percent and all in on my own time at my own pace when im ready

i ate way to much today cause idk how to eat nomral not even in teh slightest and i had the 3 munchkins/monsters known as my cousins today they tired me out so much but i love them so much so its all worth it no matter what

i took 7 biotin pills and 7 fiber gummies today i know i shoudltn b taking nething but i jsut cant help it

o and im alwasy exhasuted alwasy no matter what i do im exhausted if i eat or if i dont eat if i sleep or if i dont sleep im alwasy exhasuted and idk y.

8/1/11

so im finally gonna contact a specialist today for all my stomach issuesi ahve been putting it off casue well for 1) i hate doctors i just never had good experinces with them and b) im afriad of what they are gonna tell me u know

i went on my isnurance website and just searched for gastroenolgy ppl and it came up with alist in my town i txted my uncle since hes a paramedic c if ne of those he knew had a good reputation and it turns out the one he knows very well and he even took care of my grandmother when she was still alive so i will contact him later today she he has 2 offices one in my town and then another in the next state(c i live rigth ont he border of PA and NJ so i spend alot of time in PA as well so its nto that much of a drive) but imat ry and get into my towns office hes only there monday -thursday 2-5pm so i will call around 3pm today and make sure then still take my insurance and that i dont need a referral cuase my doc never gave me one.

im just scared like stomach issues runin my family my grandmother had crohns disease my cousin has ulcerative colitis and now im just a mess so idk if my sotmach issues is do to genetics or my eating disorder. my uncle said he would go with me and i kinda want him to buti dont as well cuse idk if my eating disorder will come out or no u know what i mean

so i have aplan though first ima get my stomach issues figured get tht all sorted and all that whiel i look for a better job that hopefully pays more and has better insurance then once i get that and have extra money iw ll start therapy and then possible treamtent i know hopsital isnt for everyone and idk if it will for me just being around all the ppl and being judged idk but we will c when that times come u know

i applied to 3 jobs yesterday a recetptonist at a trade school, an accouting person at a business and then an medical accounts coordiantor at a hospital.

the hopsital one has a behavorial wing as well and on their website it said that ne employee can get free shortterm therapy while working there so we will ci dont have the best luck int he world finding jobs.

o and yes those pictures i posted the other day are me i wouldnt lie and post pics that are me and claim them to be me its just not who i am so dont dont that they are 100 percent me.

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mark-thanx that means alot it really does cause most ppl dont support me. lol yes it is goofy has alwasy been my fav disney cahracter :)

run-yeah i guess we are stubborn but idk like i kwno what i want and i will do it the way i want to do it

thin_thighs- i alwasy said i woudl have to b forced into to go or go on my own accord at my own time at my own pace

bones-c idk if it will help me or not right nwoi just cant go and have other ppl pay for it its just not how i am i wanna b able to knwo i paid for it myself im just paranoid cause u know all theopther girls will b judging u and sizing u up and it just seems hositle. thanx hun im sorry H doesnt care hwo does he find it intersting i dont get it its still hard hun really hard

aly-yeah u have to want it in order to go. dont envy me hun my health sucks im it took some time but ijust layed fald and help my arm out with my phone and took the pic u have to keep ur arm steady or it shakes

calichica- yeah it really is me

megan- wow hun thanx for that i didnt think mywords helped ppl but tis clear that they do ijsut speak the truth and what im feeling at the time hang in ther hun ur strong too

more then me- it kills me that i hurt him so much u knwo i c the hurt in hes eyes all the time and i put it htere i scare him and make him worry i just wanna bhappy thats all i want

acka11- i dont wanna b in ne more debt then i aleady am i will getm y help when i can pay for it myselfu can call me stupid but thats just how it has to be

americaneagle- i have nsurance im on my parents but its not good i cant get my own insurance it cost to much money i can only get insurance that i cn afford thru a job and im working ont hat right now im tyring to find a better full time job