8/21/11

so here is the outfit i wore on friday



i cant believe im 100 lbs i dont look 100 lbs well nto to me at least do i look 100 lbs to u guys do i actaully look that small cause i dont c it but please be honest with me ok just please.

so me and the boy talked alot bou tmy heart and everything he told me to not to worry bout it that things are getting done now and that its good that some1 in noticing and is helping me that there is no need to worry cause i cant change it. that if seomthing is wrong it wont matter neway i will take meds change my life or diet or do whatever i have to and me and him will b ok. he told me to just focus on the docs and work and not to worry bout not having extra money he will take care of that. hes scared to do nething that will affect my heart though he doesnt want me working out til we get it figured out and hes scared to have sex too i understand y he is scared but i just wanna b with him too and my not owrking out is the hardest thing in the world

but i tried to do crunches last nite and then my heart started to beat really fast and i laid sown next thing i know its liek 2 hours later and yup passed out once again i told him that i did crunches and it went to fast and i feel asleep i didtn say passout u can only scare the person that loves u so much he told me to stop i dont need to do it im 100 lbs its ok to just not work out and i said that i ate to much he looked at me and i changed the statement saying for me i ate to much it felt like to much it was to much for my head and he gets that then he really does ij ust want it all to end already im tired of being sick and i told him that he told me to just hang on a lil longer to fight it a lil longer and things will b ok

and im really trying to do that idk how i lost the weight i just dk how it just happpened and i told him that and hes ok with that cuase i told himi was eating granted not enough but im eating and he said yeah u eat but u dont eat enough ot fatty food u eat fruit ur not gonna gain weight fromt hat but we kinda have a plan once we get my heart and sotmach all figured out then we will work on my eatin gmore and if i can get myself better or at least a lil better were im not so weak and in pain all the time next summer we can go on a real vcation like a real one no 1 day trips or 2 day trips a real honest to god vacation and i want that so much he even said if i have a ggod job and no vacation time we willl still go and figure it out somehow cause that is just what we need time away away from it all

he asked me if i knew or had ne idea of what was going on with my heart and idk i just dont know it could b nething it could b seriou or just an irregualt heart beat so who knows

so heres my week

8/21- work 11-630 then sis's going back to college party ima miss most o fit cause of work
8/22- blood work in the morning mayb gym after but since im not allowed to work out prob just walk on the treadmill then mayb wash my car
8/23- work 10-6
8/24- stress test at 8pm and ifi dont wash my car on mondy i will wash it that day
8/25-work 11-7
8/26-work 11-7
8/27- idk i never knwo what to do when i have a satruday off cause i dont get those much but we will c

my ekg test in 8/30 at 1145 am we planned a trip tot he philly zoo on 8/29 and hes trying to cnacel it but i told himi still wanted to go hes like ur sure u'll b ok u heart and eveything im likeyeah please i wanna go

i dont want neone to treat me different just cause im sick u know and work is starting the one girl asked howmy staomch appt went and the one manger was there and she heard me say i have to go to the cardiologist she doesnt treat me ne different but idk if she told the other maanger cause yesterday i was carrying a bin full of denim(im so done with this denim sale its crazy) and the one guy manager said u sure ur ok with that and im like yeah i got it. i dont want pity or ppl to treat me different i knwo my limits well not really but u know what i mean

and my friend tried to kill himself last week well not really my friend hes the boys friend but since me and boy beent ogether for 8 years hes my friend too but it was caseu hes girlfriend broke up with him took pills and alcohol but he called 911 himself but he was in state hospital for a week and is now on bipolar meds and 2 antidepressants he drank last nite whick i told teh oby he should and he said he just looks so tired im like yeah thats what the meds too they kind just suck the life out of u they calm ur head and everything but im just tired of all the drama

the boy goes i hate drama with relastionships hes like im glad we dont have drama im like no we dont im just crazy but we are fine hes like i know but ur working on that and u will b ok

so yeah i gotta get a shower soon and go to work ugh hate retail