8/2/11

how fucked up is this how fucked up does it make me

i was boiling water for mashed potoates 2day yeah u have to boil 1 1/2 cups water and a lil butter i use vegan butter and it was down at a full boil and all i wanted to do was dumb the hole thing on my arm i wanted to so bad i wanted the pain and the burning i wanted it all and im pretty sure if no1 washole i would of done it.

imnot coping well with life at all i just cant handle it everyhting is crazy and out of control i can feel the fat just growing on me somuch i c myself getting fatter and fatter and fatter iw ant my scale back i need to know the damage i need to know how fat i have gotten ijust need to know

and i know that im gonna get wrose b4 i get better i know that ima get way wrose b4 i can get all the help i need sincei am stubborn and i cant accept help form others ineed to pay for it on myown

i was looking at eating disorder recovery workbooks all the good ones are really expensive ima have to save up for a good one casue aonly the best will work if ima do this im doing it 100 percent and all in on my own time at my own pace when im ready

i ate way to much today cause idk how to eat nomral not even in teh slightest and i had the 3 munchkins/monsters known as my cousins today they tired me out so much but i love them so much so its all worth it no matter what

i took 7 biotin pills and 7 fiber gummies today i know i shoudltn b taking nething but i jsut cant help it

o and im alwasy exhasuted alwasy no matter what i do im exhausted if i eat or if i dont eat if i sleep or if i dont sleep im alwasy exhasuted and idk y.